Mulletproof's Journal: The 'Free' Phenomenom Phobia

It doesn't take a genius to see that spam is evolving into a higher lifeform. Sure, it may have started out as "Free Viagra Now!" in your mail box, but over the past Millenia, spam has mutated. After all, we're talking survival of the fittest here. We pruned it, blocked it and outright rejected it, so it was only a matter of time before spam built up a resistance to our pathetic efforts. Some of us even invite it in willingly now if you can believe it.

How did this travesty occure? How could we, once masters of our own destiny allow this incidious presence into our very households at the drop of a hat? It's quite simple. Free Stuff. This new Super Spam turned our darkest internet desires in upon our themselves, dangling attractive lures in exchange for aiding and inbedding the enemy.

I'm such a weak little man.

It wasn't just free stuff, mind you. It was FREE STUFF, writ all capital letters no less. Gone are the days of inmaterial promises like "Discount prices!" and "Free samples!" This new strain of spam eats at the very fiber of your being with tangiable offers of substance. I remember my fall quite well as rumors of a website that offered a Free iPod circulated around the internet. I resisted until my friend asked a favor... He need help BANISHING HIS SOUL INTO THE DARKEST NETHER-REGION OF SPAM HELL in order to get a free iPod. But that minor technicality was almost beside the point. It was a free iPod, right? What was one measily little soul compared to such a prize? Of course we took precautions. We placed holy wards around his PC. Set up disposable email accounts. One-shot credit cards. And of course, a stake and garlic should he happen to turn during The Summoning.

Sadly, it wasn't enough.

Not nearly enough. What he hadn't told me was that this ritual required the sacrifice of no less than FIVE of his closest friends. I didn't even have a chance to grab a stake, let alone the garlic. Before I knew what hit me, I was slobbering over the prospect of my very own iPod, since my own damnation had qualitfied me for this very special offer. What was expect of this newly recruited iPod zombie minion? Why, just to sign up for any number of "free" trial offers and corrupt five of MY closest friends. Enough sanity remained within my hollow, spamming shell to be very afraid. One mistep during the execution of this offer could result in my eternal damnation or worse... A year's supply of ink jet printer cartriges for nominal monthly fee. But I was a glutton for punishment; I went for the AOL trial offer.

My daring paid off and I escaped with my soul intact. That was, until today. That demonic strain of spam continues to evolve like some rabid hellspawned dog, gnawing at my ankles until I finally give into it: A Free Sony PSP. Is it worth my soul? That of my family and friends? We just have to be careful. It's a good deal. So what if others don't think so. "But it's a scam!" and "You spammer!" were the predicted reponses. So what if they didn't know the joys of earning free stuff from the devil himeslf, then sticking it back to him by closing down that email account and deactivating the defiled one-shot credit card. Unwittingly, I had become some sort of Free Stuff Spam demon slayer, dedeicated to not only gambling my soul for low cost, hi-tech merchandise, but being clever enough to live and tell the tale. Those people who turn their nose up at such activities just don't know until they put their lives and email accounts on the line in a high-stakes gamble between good an evil. The Winner ended up with a Free __________ (insert cool tech device here). The loser, a life time subscription to AOL Premium 5 Billion hour special offer service. A fate worse than death, no doubt. So horrible, that one could see why these timid souls would back away from such activities.

But not us. We few, proud, demonic free stuff spam slayers.