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squiggleslash (241428) writes | about 9 years ago

The Media 11

CNN: (Shot of Whitehouse lawn) So, we're expecting the President to come out at any moment, yes, here he comes, he's walking up to the podium. A well anticipated speech, but with no clues as to what he's going to say. And, yes, here he is...

Bush: ...a weekend. Gotta hangover. Headache. Gonna get you. Headache aside, no complaints. Now, we're startin' the recovery. Gonna cure that hangover. So you gotta eat a baby. *plucks baby from large stack and begins eating*

CNN: (Shot of Whitehouse lawn) So, we're expecting the President to come out at any moment, yes, here he comes, he's walking up to the podium. A well anticipated speech, but with no clues as to what he's going to say. And, yes, here he is...

Bush: ...a weekend. Gotta hangover. Headache. Gonna get you. Headache aside, no complaints. Now, we're startin' the recovery. Gonna cure that hangover. So you gotta eat a baby. *plucks baby from large stack and begins eating*

(Audience gasps in horror)

CNN: That... I don't believe it... the President is eating a baby. Oh my... oh my...

*click*

Fox: Look, I'm not saying it's right, no let me finish, I'm just saying that your framing this in...

Reporter: He's eating a baby, Sean. How do you expect me to frame this?

Fox: No, no, come on, he's digesting a baby, not eating it, he did swallow it whole after all, but, you know we don't know the reasons, there may be a good reason... it's at times like this I like to give the President the...

Reporter: Oh my god. He's going to eat another one.

Fox: ...no let me finish, I like to give the President the benefit of the doubt. The fact is you and I don't have the facts the President has and...

*click*

MSNBC: What are you trying to say? That the President eats babies? That's proposterous!

Howard Dean: Er, it was just on television. He's eaten two so far.

MSNBC: Ann, Do you think the Democrats have much hope regaining their credibility when they're going to make these kinds of outlandish allegations?

Coulter: Well, they will if they're helped by the Liberal media!

MSNBC: I apologise Ann, on behalf of all of us. Now, Dean, isn't the real story here that you're a third rate extremist leftist who cannot even win a primary?

Howard Dean: What? I'm not le...

Coulter: Now, let me finish.

Dean: You weren't talki...

Coulter: Howard, you've had your say, now let me finish, the fact is it's Democrats, and the Media, who eat babies.

*click*

CSPAN5: ...to look at the blogs, as we do every hour. Now, gunsforjesus59 has this to say:

It's quite obviously the fault of the mothers. They put their babies in Bush's safekeeping, what did they expect?

Meanwhile, billaryclintonsux291 has this to say:

Most of the babies would probably grow up on welfare anyway. Seems like Bush's doing us a favor.

Interesting comments there. Still, LiberalsAreStupidImaLibertarian91 also is commenting on today's top story:

What I want to know is why anyone's surprised by this? Trusting the federal government with childcare? If Bush has any sense, he'll eat all the babies, and all the children that are in state schools.

That's food for thought there. Over on Free Republic, the top story is "Liberals hate babies, would rather Bush left them on welfare." Little reaction from the left right now, although Bartcop.com has something about Haliburton being involved.

*click*

CNN:

Bush: That was delicious. Do we have any chinese?

*click*

Fox: All I'm saying is, look, we have a bunch of problems in this country, we have people on welfare, we just have too many babies. And I don't think it's unreasonable for the government to initiate a baby eating program if that's the only solution to the problem?

Alan: Well, I accept all that, but I'm not sure it's fair to characterize all Liberals as against solutions to these issues.

Fox: There you go again. Look, the truth is the liberals would be the first on the street to whine about global warming and over-population if Bush wasn't eating babies, they're always playing politics.

Alan: Well, I agree with that, but, you know, I, I, I guess I'm just saying that perhaps Bush could have eaten less babies.

Fox: You're saying Bush shouldn't finish the job?

*click*

MSNBC: Ok, we have some reactions on the street. Let's go to Time Square in New York City, and see what people are saying.

Voxpop1: He did WHAT?

Voxpop2: *pukes*

Voxpop3: You've got to be kidding.

MSNBC: Interesting reactions there.

Coulter: It's liberals playing politics.

MSNBC: What do you mean, that was a random sample of Americans?

Coulter: No, it's liberals. You did your interview in New York. If you'd done your interview in a real part of America, they'd have reacted patriotically.

Howard Dean: Now hold on Ann,

Coulter: ...no let me finish...

Dean: Hold on.

(Crosstalk)

MSNBC: Ok, Howard, you've got two seconds.

Dean: Now, I can't agree with you. If you go into the country, into the heartland, the guy with the Confederate flag on his pick-up truck, with the saw, blanket, twine, gas-can and matches in his trunk, the average joe who just wants to listen to bluegrass music and have relations with his brother, and you ask him: do you think the President should eat babies? I'll tell you what he'll say. He'll say "No. No, Howard, I don't want a President that eats babies. And, you know, I'll happily pay an acceptable level of taxes if it brings us better public services, and ensures I never have to worry about the tragedy of unemployment. And I'm going to vote for the Democratic Party, because the Democratic Party will bring me responsible government. Government that doesn't lie, except maybe about blow-jobs."

Coulter: *dumbfounded*

MSNBC: What's your reaction to that Ann?

Coulter: I hate liberals.

*click*

CNN: Ok, we're switching over to a live press conference. Scott McClellan is about to take some questions...

McClellan: Yes sir,

Reporter: Why did the President eat 73 babies on the front lawn of the Whitehouse today?

McClellan: As is usual, the Democrats are playing politics by focussing on trivial issues.

Reporter: But why?

McClellan: I don't think you heard me. I said Democrats. Playing Politics. Focussing on Trivial Issues.

FOX Reporter: Got it

*click*

FOX: ...but, you know, with overpopul...*Sean holds finger to ear*..ulation... Democrats... are... Playing Politics and Focussing on Trivial Issues. Why do you think Democrats are Playing Politics and Focussing on Trivial Issues?

*Bottom of screen changes from "Overpopulation Solutions" to "Democrats: Playing Politics and Focussing on Trivial Issues*

*click*

Rush Limbaugh: ...so why is it? Why are the Dems playing politics and focussing on trivial issues like this?

*click*

MSNBC: But Ann, Why do you think Democrats use these kinds of situations to Play Politics and Focus On Trivial Issues?

*click*

CSPAN5: ...and the Drudge Report has "BREAKING NEWS: Dems play politics, focus on trivial issues". So we have a whole bunch of blog updates. Here's "NYCLiberal91":

Ew.

And Clinton08Yeah2 has this to say:

Oh. My. God.

Meanwhile The_Concerned_Poster is writing this:

What the FUCK is wrong with people? The bastard's EATING BABIES! He's EATING BABIES for fuck's sake!

Some interesting responses to this one, including "The Mislead One" who claims that the President hasn't actually eaten any babies. Still, KillAllLiberals88 has this to say:

I wasn't going to comment on the whole "Baby Eating" thing, out of respect for the mothers and fathers of the babies, but why are liberals blaming this on Bush? If we didn't have Welfare, this wouldn't be necessary. Isn't it obvious that liberals are just Playing Politics and Focussing on Trivial Issues?

Meanwhile, SelfDefenseAndOpenSource writes this:

Trust the liberal idiots to blame this on global warming! They'll be blaming this on Bush next!

....developing...

cancel ×

11 comments

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Waiting for code to compile? (1)

gmhowell (26755) | about 9 years ago | (#13538052)

If so, it read like a good use of time. Kudos.

Brilliant (1)

Philip K Dickhead (906971) | about 9 years ago | (#13538354)

You got this one cold, Mr. Swift.

Fucking brilliant. (1)

BandwidthHog (257320) | about 9 years ago | (#13538517)

*applauds*

right now... (1)

bechthros (714240) | about 9 years ago | (#13539011)

...the dogs are staring at me trying to figure out why my mouth is hanging open and these loud noises are coming from it... seriously, it's good to know i'm not crazy... or at least i'm not the only one who is... i'm linking to this and there's nothing you can do to stop me, hahahahah...

It's not that I think Bush WOULDN'T eat a baby... (1)

the_mad_poster (640772) | about 9 years ago | (#13539679)

It's just that I think he couldn't get away with it, and he knows it.

that is some... (1)

zogger (617870) | about 9 years ago | (#13542136)

...seriously funny stuff. Too bad it's TRUE, heard it on the shortwave last night...

You forgot the part (1)

cyranoVR (518628) | about 9 years ago | (#13543071)

Where blogger "HPI" calls everyone who disagrees with Dear Leader's baby eating policy "a shameful, un-American traitor who shold either be put into a camp or shot."

Also blogger "Crimson Warrior" who writes that people who haven't eaten babies "are missing the point, 'kay ;^)

Don't forget blogger "Puggy" who deletes comments from anybody who asserts that it is a fact that there is real footage of Dear Leader eating babies.

And finally blogger "BrentM" who indignantly demands an apology from Democrats for being the Party of Baby-Eating for the last 150 years.

Etc...

Otherwise, brilliant.

Re:You forgot the part (1)

iminplaya (723125) | about 9 years ago | (#13567545)

Another blogger "imonthebeach" just jumped to say, "This is perfectly natural. Animals eat their babies all the time. He's merely acting instinctively and insuring the survival of his DNA. Both sides are doing it. Why single him out?"

Later another blogger pointed out, "This is just a fabrication by the multi-natioanl corporations. They want you to think Bush is eating babies, when in fact they are the ones eating babies."

I agree. Great job. Too many good journals are disappearing. I'm saving this one.

Love it (1)

tomhudson (43916) | about 9 years ago | (#13543097)

emailed a linky to a bunch of friends & family.

You sir are a genius!!! (1)

eno2001 (527078) | about 9 years ago | (#13548072)

This is going down in my history books... :) I salute you and your true American spirit!

A perfect example of why Democrats Usually Lose (1)

KarmaOverDogma (681451) | about 9 years ago | (#13553381)

They let Republicans frame the debate, even when Republicans are dead wrong (and I do mean, in the case of Iraq, dead).

This is perfectly demonstrated by the fact that being labled a liberal today finishes you in the national arena.

With any luck the Republican Party will be completely hi-jacked by neo-conservatives and moderate Republicans (like Christine Todd-Whitman, who has alreday expressed her reservations about this trend) will disavow the party. Probably just a pipe dream on my part, though

Great reading nonetheless, Dude.
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