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It is time I came clean...

daniil (775990) writes | more than 8 years ago

User Journal

Err, hi.

I wasn't going to post anything here anymore, but someone asked about this, so I thought I'd better let you all know why I'm leaving -- for this is what I'm about to do. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave this account mostly "as is", though, for I have grown so attached to it -- to this mask -- that I just can't force myself to delete it... Which is kind of funny. It's as if it was a part of me, when in fact, it isn't. It's just a mask. A lie -- it has been all along. But I

Err, hi.

I wasn't going to post anything here anymore, but someone asked about this, so I thought I'd better let you all know why I'm leaving -- for this is what I'm about to do. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave this account mostly "as is", though, for I have grown so attached to it -- to this mask -- that I just can't force myself to delete it... Which is kind of funny. It's as if it was a part of me, when in fact, it isn't. It's just a mask. A lie -- it has been all along. But I can't go on living like this any longer, so I've decided to end this game.

What I'm about to tell you -- and what I've been insinuating at in the previous paragraph -- will come as a shock to most of you. It might be less of a shock to a few, those few who had figured it out a long time ago (I know that at least one person has, and I suspect that a few others have as well). Who figured out that I am, in fact, a girl, and am just pretending to be a boy online...

I've never liked what I am. I've wanted to be a boy as long as I can remember. In this society, the boys were the ones that played all the interesting games. The ones that are allowed to have interesting lives, while girls are just supposed to...look pretty. I don't think I've ever looked pretty (some people might, of course, beg to differ). I cut my hair short. I wear pants. I hang out -- used to hang out -- on Slashdot...

Why here? I discovered this place by accident and subsequently learned how easy it is to be someone else here. Noone will ever actually see the real you, especially if you live in a country everyone confuses with Elbonia (heh). You're an abstraction of yourself, without a voice, a body, a face... Because you can easily lie about these, too. The photo I submitted to the photo contest was my brother's...And you never knew...

All the polls and "memes"... I've had lots of fun answering these the way I would if I were a 22-year old guy. Ironically, these were the moments when I always found out that while I can pretend to be someone else, I still can't change what I am...

Yes, it's been fun, but it wasn't until recently that I realized how unethical it actually was. Lying to you. At first it didn't bug me that much, but I've become more and more aware of this, and now I just can't take it any longer (some troll, huh?). Can't continue like this. Can't keep "living" in this lie -- and neither can I stay here after what I've done. So I bid you all farewell. Please don't be mad at me...

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