The Turd Report's Journal: The Turd Report 10/08/2002

Another multi-day turd. On Sunday, I had a bowl of spaghetti with mushrooms. Monday, I had a 6' Turkey from Subway. Dialysis has given me a small reward by allowing me to lay some massive turds. The downside is there is little or no warning as to when I have to take a shit. Usually, you have 10 minutes or so to start migrating towards the toilet. Now, I just have a sudden urge to purge; maybe a minutes notice.

I am on a call with a customer about a security concern when it hits. I tell him I need to go look something up and that I'll be back in a bit. I rush to the bathroom. Like Sunday, the turd is quick and sudden; it does not feel like it is a big turd. There is a bit of friction, but then it just slides right on out. I wait a few moments for any stragglers, but that is it. The turd is coiled like an angry cobra with it's head sticking above water. Uncoiled it must be a good 2 feet long and is unbroken. It is a generic and uniform brown color. It has a light 'turd' smell to it, but is not overpowering. My implant has healed up, so clean up was easy and pain free. The auto-flush took the turd 10 seconds after I stood up. It struggled against the current; the head almost grabbed on to the side of the drain. But, it went down in one flush. I feel like I have lost 2-3 pounds with just that one turd. I rate this turd as a 9.

Wow!

[grub]

Doesn't that make 2 9-Rated turds this week?

Amazing! I had some horrid FecoSludge on Sunday that stank and required a good half roll of ass-wipe to remove all evidence from my posterior.

Keep on Crappin'!

a faithful fan

Re:Wow!

[The Turd Report]

Doesn't that make 2 9-Rated turds this week?

Yeah, it does. But these are monsters. Not your normal pile of turdletts. I half expect these things to make a run for it.

I had some horrid FecoSludge on Sunday that stank and required a good half roll of ass-wipe to remove all evidence from my posterior.

Part of the ritual I have is to make sure my ass is spread so that the streaking is kept to a minimum. Unless you have outright diareah, you should have a relatively easy wipe. FYI.

Keep on Crappin'!
a faithful fan

Will do! Thanks for stopping by!

Re:Wow!

[grub]

Part of the ritual I have is to make sure my ass is spread so that the streaking is kept to a minimum.

Of course, my name may not have "Turd" in it, but I have 36 years of Fecal Extrusion to my name lad!

What I find helps a lot is to shave my butt crack. Seriously; mine isn't overly hairy but has enough to cause a bi-monthly problem with my AssWipe Quota (self imposed)

This may not be a problem for yourself, but gentile readers may take this knowledge and use it:
A nice tug of the cheek whilst pulling the razor up with gentle pressure is all that is needed.



Switch Hands

Repeat.


Bum is clean, AssWipe use it minimized, Life is good.

all one piece?

[FortKnox]

I heard stories about one massive turd that wraps around the bowl requiring being manually cut up before it will flush... sounds like yours wasn't solid enough for that, though...

Re:all one piece?

[The Turd Report]

They have these jet-assisted water saving toilets here at work. They are activated by IR, so you just stand up and *WOOOOSH!* away it goes. It blows most turds to pieces. The funny thing is that they are designed to conserve water, but will flush 3-4 times w/o provocation. You stand up: *flush*. Turn around: *flush*. Wipe and toss paper: *flush*. Wipe again: *flush*. Again: *flush*. Open the door to leave the stall: *flush*. Waste of $ on all fronts.

Snake

[Safety Cap]

Are you intentionally saving them up so that you get 9s? I mean, what if you just relieved the pressure by splorting out some nuggets from time-to-time before they compact into one long, gigantor snake?

Do you ever get cramps?

Re:Snake

[The Turd Report]

I honestly don't fell the need to take a dump. I guess I could go and force one out, but there is no need. I only eat once a day, so there isn't much there anyway. And, to answer your question, no, I do not get cramps.

Thanks for stopping by!

finest turd ever

[avandesande]

Truly this is one of your finest reports ever. As the drama of the flush unfolded:
It struggled against the current; the head almost grabbed on to the side of the drain.
my heart began to race, for I believed this fecal serpent would be a candidate for the elusive 10 rating. If it had clung to the smooth interior of the bowl this perfect score would have been reached, but alas, it succumbed to the hydrodynamics of modern technology.
Give your bowels my best.