BarbaraHudson's Journal: Part of the first chapter ...

Now that I've got 10 or 15 chapters written (sorry, can't be bothered counting) I'm going to follow up on Tuesday's JE, "50 words or less?"

AS you may recall, my premise is as follows:

• 1. Get the reader's attention in 50 words or less (your opening paragraph) with one of your main points. It should pose enough questions that the reader wants to read the rest of the page;
• 2. Make sure there's enough meat on the rest of the page to get them to want to finish off the first chapter;
• 3. If they finish the first chapter, you've got a chance to get them to read the rest.

So here's the first couple of pages of the first chapter. Rather than setting up the scene, I throw the reader into it and only introduce the background facts where they need them. This means that the reader doesn't have to wade through (potentially) tons of stuff that has no immediate relevance before getting to the story proper.

[redacted] and I were standing in the kitchen; he behind his father, who was seated at the table eating a sandwich, and me in front of the table. [redacted] had a dish towel in his hands, and was making motions for me to âoedo itâ â" to kill his father.

I returned to the basement. [redacted] followed, we argued in hushed tones. He told me over and over that I had to hit his father on the back of the head with the pipe, and I kept refusing. I already knew what was in store for me if we went through with his plans â" that he would then kill me, claiming that his father had been the one to attack me, that he had intervened, and that his father and I had both been killed in the ensuing struggle.

I had seen [redacted]s' fantasies becoming more detailed for several months, but didn't have anyone I could turn to. Instead, when I returned from high school on December 6th, 6 weeks previous, I had typed up a description of how the double murder would take place, asking the police not to treat it as an accident. I put this letter in an envelope and hid it in my bedroom, figuring that if I were wrong, no harm done, but that if I were right and [redacted] really was evolving into a killer, he'd at least be caught in the end.

I stood in the kitchen not knowing what to do. I couldn't fight [redacted] â" he was a foot taller and 100 pounds heavier. The pipe I held behind my back would be useless against him. I couldn't run because I had nowhere to run to. The seconds were ticking away, his father sitting there oblivious to the fact that these were probably the last minutes of his life.

Why hadn't I approached my parents with any of this? I was already hiding a huge secret from them â" that I was a transsexual. It's why I stayed on the fringes in high school â" I had learned early in life that any leakage of my true nature was bait for bullies. My father? âoeWhy can't you act like other boys?â My mother? She had enough on her plate between work and taking care of my 5 younger sisters.

Christmas had come and gone and I was still alive. Not having any contact with [redacted] over the holidays, maybe his crisis had passed and I could return to just being a kid with a shameful secret.

So that's how I came to be standing in a dark basement in the middle of January, rapidly losing a face-to-face argument with a killer, struggling to change events that had already been cast in stone. And I was going to die.

We went back upstairs, where the scene repeated itself. [redacted] returned to his place at the kitchen sink behind his father, who was now reading the newspaper, a cup of tea nearby. I stood mute in what had become my place, watching [redacted] making motions behind his father's head for me to get on with it.

I don't know where I found the courage to turn around and go back downstairs again, but I did. I can still see the absolute rage in [redacted]s' face; any second he was going to take the dish towel, which was stretched between his two clenched fists, and throttle me. And still I resisted. But this had been going on for what seemed like hours, even though it had to be less, and when he ordered me back upstairs again I obeyed.

The tableau repeated itself for a third time. [redacted] was again behind his father, motioning at me, his face turning more red with every passing second. His father continued to be oblivious both to the drama taking place around him and his role in it; he sipped from his teacup.

It was time.

NOTES: The reader now knows, without having to first wade through any boring chapters about high school or family, the approximate age of the characters, as well as some of their issues and some of the dynamics between them. The reader also knows, or at least strongly suspects, that someone's going to be killed any second.

Sure, I could have taken 50 pages to set it up, but why bother when there's so much more to tell (this is, after all, only the beginning).

Criticism, as always, welcome. I have my asbestos undies on :-) And no, I'm not saying this is the only way to tell a story - just that it's the way that I think this story can best be told.

Without the stupid smart quotes ....

[BarbaraHudson]

[redacted] and I were standing in the kitchen; he behind his father, who was seated at the table eating a sandwich, and me in front of the table. [redacted] had a dish towel in his hands, and was making motions for me to "do it"” - to kill his father.

I returned to the basement. [redacted] followed, we argued in hushed tones. He told me over and over that I had to hit his father on the back of the head with the pipe, and I kept refusing. I already knew what was in store for me if we went through

Re:

[mcgrew]

Slashdot's lack of smart quotes are one of my banes. Why does the infant Soylent News that uses slashcode not mangle smart quotes like Slashdot does?

Damned Dice...

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Shhhh - you don't want them buying Soylent News now, do you?

I really should find the time to check it out - I bet much of the old gang is hanging there or on reddit.

So, as a reader, would you turn to page 3 and find out what happens next?

Re:

[mcgrew]

Yes, if I enjoyed murder mysteries. It was well written, far better than that best-selling hack James Patterson. Stephen King is a great writer, but I've read few of his books because I'm no fan of dark fiction. I did enjoy The Green Mile, though.

Since you're looking to turn writing into a career, you did in fact choose the best genre. I don't care for them, but murder mysteries sell like crazy.

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Thanks. Actually, I prefer sci-fi for reading. Always have. Even in dystopian futures, there's hope.

But yes, I do have a murder mystery in mind for the future, once I get the factual account out of the way :-)

Re:

[fustakrakich]

I do not understand the angst. If it is simpler to do things without unicode, they don't need unicode. Really, what is it going to add anyway, aside from more glitz? The workarounds are trivial. And we can move on to the more worldly issues, like the dismal state of computer file management that remains in the stone age(even in unix), for instance. Barb, it would be an excellent subject to get on the front page on any given Tuesday...

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Good suggestion - but I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday. And yes, it's related to the story. PTSD and depression suck.

Re:

[mcgrew]

I compose in Open Office. Since what I write will probably wind up in a book, unicode is necessary and removing it is a hassle we should not have to put up with.

What's most maddening is that when previewing a journal or comment, slashdot's garbage generator doesn't shit all over it until you hit "submit". There's simply no excuse for it. Soylent News uses slashdot's code, and they had it fixed within a month or two of opening.

This should be especially embarrassing for what's supposed to be a tech site.

Re:

[fustakrakich]

:-) Well, there ya go.. This is a 'tech site', not a book site. And I always thought techies didn't care for frilly fonts anyway. I am truly sorry about the hassles... but tech people make/use scripts, macros, and the myriad of other ways to get around a problem.....

Re:

[mcgrew]

It's their problem, I'll just link to S/N when I have an entry that might be in a book until they fix it. I'm not going to take extra effort because of someone else's lack of competence.

The problem you or I can't fix is quoting a newspaper in a comment, seeing it's fine in preview, and having /.'s garbage generator shit on it; you can't edit a comment.

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

I did some tests in LibreOffice trying to "Save as ..." in various plain-text formats - the smart quotes remained.

Re:

[fustakrakich]

Find all -> Replace?

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

The problem is it isn't just the smart quotes. There's also how the dash gets replaced with a "real hyphen", and some other stuff, so if you miss one ...

Besides, it really isn't the 20th century any more. And then there's accented characters ...

Re:

[fustakrakich]

Yeah, I know, there are apostrophes and a few other things too. Does LibreOffice do macros? Accented characters take a bit more effort, but you know the routine there also. If you're in a hurry, I don't recommend posting in French or Russian or Chinese on Slashdot just yet :-)

See, I would prefer that people not post ugly shit and then just say 'fuck this place'. It doesn't help. As far as I'm concerned, it reflects on them, a bunch of grumpy old farts who can't find the button on the remote.

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

I found a simpler solution. Under Format -> Autocorrect -> Autocorrect options -> Localized options, just uncheck the replace single quotes and replace double quotes options, and voila, no more smart quotes.

Re:

[fustakrakich]

There ya go... I suspected it would be simpler than I knew how.. The computer is always full of little surprises...

Re:

[mcgrew]

That only works if you're not going to later need the smart quotes. It also doesn't work on a cut and paste from a newspaper.

I tried Lo, its lack of full justification was a show stopper. Have they fixed that yet?

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Just do a save as... your original, with smart quotes, will be unchanged :-)

Re:

[mcgrew]

It doesn't work in Oo. "Save as" only saves as a differently named ODT file. Even copying from Oo and pasting into a text editor doesn't work.

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

I don't know about Oo, but with Libreoffice, you can choose to save as "Text (.txt) (*.txt)" from the dropdown after unchecking the smart quotes boxes, and it works fine (tested it after the last slashdot smartquote fiasco). The original still has the smartquotes.

Re:

[mcgrew]

Well, if Lo gets full justification I'll switch; that feature is critical for printed books. Upgraded Oo yesterday, and they added a maddening "feature" (it tries to guess what you're going to type) that I can't figure out how to shut off.

Re:

[fustakrakich]

'Lack of competence' or conscious choice, who knows? *a minor annoyance on the potholed road we travel* (whoa! that was heavy!) ...you can't edit a comment.

And that is one of the very best things about Slashdot. You can always post another. If that ever changes the place will become truly useless. And, preview seems to work in comments, does here anyway. You can edit your JEs. It's not easy or pleasant, and it's worse than it used to be, but so what? How many other places have faithfully stored 15 years wor

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Why not have it so that you can APPEND to a comment (along with an automatic timestamp) so that people can fix their typos, etc?

By the way, you probably should back up what you are interested in, I suspect it won't last much longer..

You may be right. Pity ...

Re:

[fustakrakich]

No, I'd rather they just post another. It's similar enough to appending to be perfectly acceptable. It may seem wasteful, but it ensures continuity, and keeps people honest. I really like the idea of things being indelible. Comments have to be treated like farts, never taken back. Sometimes the typo tell a story of its own.

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

How would it make anything deniable? Sample:

I think this is a good idea. They should be tarred and feathered.
[edit 2014-11-09@16.41] Sorry, I meant NOT a good idea. And on second thought, tars and feathers isn't enough.

I actually implemented this on a comment system at my last job - it's not all that hard, and if you have 5 replies underneath, they can all get a message saying the comment has been updated, rather than the OP having to post an "Oops, typo" under each response. So the original text is never altered in an edit, just any new text appended.

Re:

[fustakrakich]

Well, if it doesn't slow things down any worse, and as long as the original absolutely remains untouched, you gotta deal.

So, when do we start the tarring and feathering?

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

You got bit by the exact same thing I did ('cept I used Libre Office).

Looks good in preview, sucks when pulled out of the permanent db (as opposed to the scratch db). Looks to me like someone, rather than making modular code, just did a cut-n-paste, and when the preview code got fixed, didn't bother to fix the main code.

[redacted]

[fustakrakich]

It looks like I'm reading an FBI response to a Freedom of Information request :-)

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Okay - the original has the real names of everyone; however, out of respect for the rights of everyone (innocent, guilty, whatever), I will be substituting other names. Just haven't gotten around to picking them yet.

There will be exceptions for famous people and those who are on the public record in a big way, but this is not a hatchet job seeking revenge or anything like that, and I've already had enough crazy people trying (not just threatening) to kill me, so why give them yet another reason to go off

Re:

[fustakrakich]

Just having a bit of fun... Maybe somebody has it as a given name..

Nice cliff hanger... I like it... This is one of those stories to read to the kids on Halloween

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Thanks. For the cliff-hanger part, it just worked out that way. I'm just telling it like it happened (for those of you still wondering if this might be either a work of fiction or a fictionalization, sadly, it's all true, and it gets weirder).

Re:

[fustakrakich]

If I had the money, I'd publish the book, and make a mini-series, kinda like "The Osbournes Tree House of Horror" thing. The best stuff always does seem to come from real life. Make the most of it, right?

Re:

[BarbaraHudson]

Patient: "I'm worried about wearing down my teeth if I use an electric toothbrush."
Dentist: "Nonsense. Tooth is stronger than friction"
-- blame Isaac Asimov's Joke Book.

But yes, might as well make the most of it, especially since it's one of the taboo subjects in my family. I'm only now finding just how many misconceptions there are floating around about those incidents (and that's over and above the whole "Why couldn't you just be gay" thing).

So it's a chance to clear the air about a lot of unh