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Fear & Truth

sillypixie (696077) writes | more than 7 years ago

User Journal 17

I need to just put down the bare truth.

I've talked before about how my life changed, the epiphanies that I went through that, among other things, started me in posting here on the dot. These epiphanies were the start of the end of my relationship - but I never ever could say why. We would get in fights and he would ask what was wrong, and all I could say was, "I don't know". And I really didn't. I just knew I was miserable, and I clung to my online world like a lifeline.

I need to just put down the bare truth.

I've talked before about how my life changed, the epiphanies that I went through that, among other things, started me in posting here on the dot. These epiphanies were the start of the end of my relationship - but I never ever could say why. We would get in fights and he would ask what was wrong, and all I could say was, "I don't know". And I really didn't. I just knew I was miserable, and I clung to my online world like a lifeline.

I'm at a point now where I need to make a choice. I have his attention now. He has said he is willing to make a clean start. He honestly didn't believe I wasn't going to come home again. I'm not sure I won't either.

Here is the crux of the problem. I know it now, I suppose I always knew it, but I don't know how I'm going to say it. When I started to change, I started to crave and lust for intellectual stimulation. I had been missing it, and when I suddenly found a source, I was like a starving person at an oasis. I gorged myself, and I neglected my hubby, but I didn't analyse the nature of what was happening. I hurt him terribly at that time, and although I've become better able to control my urges, he never recovered from that hurt.

My whole system of values changed. I used to idolize my hubby, to never question what he said. But then I started to challenge him, I looked around my life and found nothing for my brain to feed on. And I became very dissatisfied with a lot of my surroundings. I had, in my infatuation, happily accepted a change of lifestyle that suited my husbands needs, and when I woke up, I was in very deep. Every effort I made to introduce intelligence into my non-work life was met with resistance -- because for my hubby, thinking was a 9-5 occupation. He is brilliant, but never when I was around. No conversation, no shared intelligent activities, no discussions of books or movies or politics or anything. His idea of relaxation turns out to be my idea of sensory deprivation. Add into this, the fact that my husband is afraid to be alone. He hates it. So his relaxation has to be my relaxation, anything else is not what he feels happy with.

To try and deal with it, to find myself, in that first 6 months of marriage, I turned away from him. I couldn't explain it then, and I can barely now -- but my wiring changed -- I had found that my mind and my body were suddenly knit together in a way I hadn't known before -- no mental stimulation meant no physical stimulation, and my poor hubby suffered as a result - and yet, when he asked, I had no answer.

And as time went on, instead of fixing the problem, I retreated into the one area in which I was in control of, and which gave me the feeling of progress and mental improvement that I wanted so badly. Is it any wonder he hated my career?

And so now, I have to meet him tonight. And I have to decide whether to go home or not. And I have to tell him the truth about my thoughts and my needs for my life. I don't think I can live with someone who doesn't challenge my intellect. He is going to take this as a mortal insult, I have never said this to him because I know it will wound him forever. But the only way I can explain my needs is to say it.

The worst part is - he never did anything wrong. And I don't think there is anything he can do to fix this either. He is one way, and there is nothing wrong with the way he is - but I can't possibly fully contribute in a relationship with him, as much as I love him and want him to be happy -- I *can't* be the person he needs. And he can't be the person I need. And I am going to kill him when I point that out.

I don't want to do it. I've been lying to myself for a long time in order to avoid it. I don't know if I'm strong enough now. But after 3 years of trying very hard not to admit it, the logic seems inescapable.

I wish I could just fly away. Get on a plane and freeze this life here, leave it the way it is and just have it as a part of my past without having to admit to myself all of my own folly and culpability. Tonight I am going to deal a hurt to the person I love most on this planet that I'm not sure he will ever recover from. What he will hear is that I'm smarter than him (not true) and that I want to be with someone smarter, and that he's not good enough for me, and that all this time, I never loved him. I know this is how he will take the truth, and I know that it will haunt him forever. This is why I've never said it, I never wanted to hurt him like this but this false reality doesn't work either, and now there is no choice. I never said it because deep down I never thought there was a possible way to fix it, and I still don't.

This is going to kill him. I'm going to ruin his life tonight -- except I think that the real truth is that I already have. I ruined things 3 years ago when I changed. Now all I can do is try to make things as right as they can be under the circumstances. It turns out though, that I can't worry about him any more. I'm not really hurting him today - all I'm doing is revealing it, not creating it. He will have to deal with this one way or the other, whether I cave in or not, whether I drag this out for another year or for 10. He's been dealing with it for the last 3 years - he just never had all the information.

Am I brave enough to tell the truth, regardless of the cost? We'll see.

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Sodium (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#18145502)

I know what you're going through, and I certainly don't envy the position you're in nor the decisions you'll have to make. A soulmate should fill your soul through and through and mesh with your life on so many levels. You'll have your differences and little quirks, but underlying all that should be a common core of beliefs and values. I had that once with a woman and lost it when she married another... and that pain runs really deep for me. I won't pretend to know you well enough to even guess as to whether or not that potential is there in your relationship and waiting to be rekindled, but whatever the situation all I can offer is: be true to yourself. Whether or not you spend your life with someone else is a choice, but you'll always have to spend the rest of your life with you. However it turns out, time will heal the pain you feel now.

Re:Sodium (1)

metalcup (897029) | more than 7 years ago | (#18145926)

Hey, I hope things work out for you - I suppose the only thing I can say, from the experience I have, is that if you are honest (and completely - bare your soul), then the other person will understand, even if it will still be difficult. I don't know why you submitted this journal entry to the ./ article submission - I voted no for it in firehose, since, while it might be a great idea to have other people pitch in with their suggestions, I am afraid that the many morons who troll /. will only poke fun at you.. What ever happens, I believe it takes great courage to face up to your situation. For what it's worth, you'll be in my thoughts - I hope things turn out better than you hope/expect them to! :)

Re:Sodium (1)

sillypixie (696077) | more than 7 years ago | (#18146374)

I don't know how I managed to screw up the radio buttons and submit this -- I meant this for my little circle, not for general circulation. I can't imagine anyone else would ever want to read it... I don't think there is anything I can do about the submission now, but thank you for voting no, and thank you for the kind thoughts.

Egads, of all the JE's to accidentally submit...

If you aren't reading your mail on gmail (1)

Engineer-Poet (795260) | more than 7 years ago | (#18147124)

Then drop me a line through the blog link (the personal one may be out of date).

Re:Sodium (1)

Creepy Crawler (680178) | more than 7 years ago | (#18162424)


Weird. I posted a response last night, but slashdot ate it or someone deleted it. Oh well.
I saw this on the 'hose, and always read the links. This is just way too personal. Voted as no.


I know, who am I to pass judgment from afar, but anybody (including you, a self-proclaimed intellectual) should know that there's NEVER two solutions to any given problem.

So what you've been together for three years. Do you love him? Does he return it back? Is just skipping out of town the best solution for both of you?

Also, are there children present? If there are, would you abandon them, or make them live with a person you deign to live with? Just realize that children make the answer so much more complicated, as you're looking at 18+ years of interacting with your husband.

No matter how you solve this problem, it solely rests on your shoulders now.

Good luck. May you choose the best choice.

Re:Sodium (1)

sillypixie (696077) | more than 7 years ago | (#18162818)

I'm really glad you voted it down (posting this as a submission was a total accident). But at the same time, I'm so gladd that you took the time to read it, and to give your thoughts.

There are no kids, and I figure the dog will survive no matter what :)

Part of me wants to skip town so bad it hurts. At least then I can build whatever comes next, based on what I am now. But the other part sees who he is, and loves his soul, and can't desert, without an honest, no-bullshit effort at fixing things.

No matter what happens, I'm not going to deceive myself or him any longer. It does none of us any good.

Thanks again.


At a certain point (1)

HBI (604924) | more than 7 years ago | (#18145886)

You're only responsible for you. If it isn't working, it isn't working, and no amount of torturing yourself will make it different. And I fall back on Machiavelli about hurts delivered. Do it fast, do it clean, speak your mind. This is merciful, not evil.

I *will* say that your quest for intellectualism at home...listen, I don't want to pass judgement from a gazillion miles away, but I remember feeling this way about my ex-wife. Exactly like that. And I found the stimulating people didn't love me like she did. They had other problems - sexual, emotional, whatever. So while I could get a good conversation from Y, they couldn't cuddle, or ...well, i'll avoid crassness. But you get the idea.

My point is that you will probably do what you are going to do no matter what. But you probably should remember the things you like about him before you do, and make sure you took stock of them before you cast this aside. At least then you can't blame yourself for not thinking about that.

My conclusion was that having someone who will understand my random remarks is vital for me. However, it turned out i'd trained my ex-wife into being pretty close to what I needed after 5 years. I think this is one of the things that you can actually change about someone. Drawn directly from personal experience.

Re:At a certain point (1)

elmegil (12001) | more than 7 years ago | (#18148170)

I had a snuggle bunny girlfriend once upon a time. Not stupid, but not smart, and she admired my own smarts and was up for whatever, whenever. After 2 1/2 years I was done. Too damn much work, and no challenge at home, always responsible for driving nearly everything we did together.

My wife, she and I have had sparks just about from the get go, not just chemistry, also conflict. But she's smart, she holds her own, and whatever other issues we may have had off and on, I would not trade her smarts for the other woman's charms any time.

There has to be a balance. If Pixie ends up trying again, she may not find what she wants with a complete 24x7 brainiac (rather doubtful if you ask me :) ), but it seems reasonable to try to find a better balance.

Pix: good luck. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like there's a middle ground between the two of you. I've gotten the impression that you've been trying to work this out for quite a while, so it's not like you just up and ran at the first sign of trouble. I think you owe both of you honesty; of course you won't be jabbing him with it though. But dodging and avoiding and trying to get around it won't make anything any better for either of you.

Name the demon, and it loses power over you (1)

Engineer-Poet (795260) | more than 7 years ago | (#18146146)

That's what you've just done. Once you've crystallized the issue into words, its power to jerk you around by your emotions bleeds away. The consequences remain to play out, but failing to understand them won't make them go away any more than ignorance of an impending hurricane or avalanche will keep you safe.

It's a hard road. I was hurt once (by broken trust) and spent years unable to talk about it. I didn't shake myself loose from the emotional ties until I could bring myself to name exactly what had hurt me. Once I could, the knots were cut and I could pull myself loose from the constricting coils.

You're there already. The road ahead may have thirsty deserts, spooky woods and lashing, painful storms, but it goes upward.

Re:Name the demon, and it loses power over you (1)

HBI (604924) | more than 7 years ago | (#18146414)

I'm not sure naming the demon removes the emotional problems, particularly when you feel responsibility for someone.

It might make it easier to get to the next step in your thought process, but it does not make it any easier to end a relationship.

It makes it possible, not easy (1)

Engineer-Poet (795260) | more than 7 years ago | (#18147032)

Knowing the problem tells you what you can and cannot do. We may regret what is past, but we cannot undo it.

Knowing the problem is essential to understanding what can be done. Part of this is how much of a relationship can be salvaged or even repaired.

For what is lost, it makes it possible to grieve instead of trying to re-animate a corpse.

Be brave... (1)

johndiii (229824) | more than 7 years ago | (#18146396)

It looks like you have gotten to the point where staying together will damage each of you more than being apart. Yes, it's hard. And yes, it hurts - particularly when you do still love the other person. But you can't just pretend that things are wll right when they are not. Yes, you could suppress yourself and pretend that things are fine and that you are happy. But things would not be all right. You would not be all right. And neither would he. It's kinder in the long run, and better for him, for you to tell the hard truth now.

Of course, some people do not see the truth when it is presented to them. That's what you seem to be saying at the end - he will hear what you are saying in ways that to not correspond to what you are trying to communicate. But that is not your responsibility. From what I can gather, you have put a lot of effort into trying to communicate over this. But if he will not hear the truth from you, then staying together will not help (and will probably be even worse). If you are going to be married, you have to bring the very best of who you are to that partnership.

Whatever happens, I hope for the best for you, and for him. Sometimes that is not achieved without pain.

You may not see it now (2, Insightful)

SamTheButcher (574069) | more than 7 years ago | (#18148760)

and neither may he, but by liberating yourself, you liberate him as well.

You may not kill him, as you say. You may set him free to find his life as well.

The dark, the light. The rough, the smooth. Black. White.

The end. The beginning.

Christoper Robin (1)

Red Warrior (637634) | more than 7 years ago | (#18149324)

Now all I can do is try to make things as right as they can be under the circumstances.

Which is all anyone can ever do.

I don't know if I'm strong enough now. ... Am I brave enough to tell the truth, regardless of the cost? We'll see.

I don't do the tell people how to run their personal lives thing as a matter of course. (especially having bollixed mine on more than one occasion)
BUT....speaking as a guy...
I will offer a strong opinion on this one, having been the guy who asked what was wrong and didn't get a real answer. Follow HBI's Machiavelli advice. Tell him. Clearly. Cleanly. It will hurt him. A lot. He will probably be angry. He will probably take it poorly. Very poorly. Especially after all this time. He'll probably hit denial on the road, and maybe some other unpleasantness. But... It will make the healing quicker and cleaner when he is ready for it. Whether the two of you stay together or go your own ways. Few things, even unpleasant truths, suck more than not understanding WHY in such situations. Especially if the two of you don't get back together.

Oh, and to quote Christoper Robin, "you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."

It's after 9 my time, so you will have already seen him by the time you read this.
I hope it went as well as possible. I hope the two of your either get happily back together or separate on good terms. Be of good cheer. Keep a stiff upper lip, and all that rot. Unless, of course, you'd rather not.

If it goes the direction of a separation and/or divorce, feel free to drop me a line. Civil relations with X's DOES happen to be one of my fortes. Currents, not so much. :-/
redwarrior is at gmail.

Act on what you know. (1)

rdewald (229443) | more than 7 years ago | (#18160930)

You know what the truth is. He deserves to know too.

As for the costs, (a) you don't know what the costs really will be, and (b) these things are not for sale.

My heart goes out to you, this is a big deal.

Re:Act on what you know. (1)

FortKnox (169099) | more than 7 years ago | (#18162510)

I'm surprised bethanie didn't come in. Fresh off her divorce, she's happy, and sees divorce as the best option due to her experience. I guess I'm just biased the other way.

But I really just came in here to say thanks to Richard. I don't know what else I could add to the small but significant things he said.

Be truthful, first and foremost. You think he may be ruined, but, if it were me, I'd be relieved... relieved that there was a way for me to make things better.

Chin up, and good luck.

Re:Act on what you know. (1)

sillypixie (696077) | more than 7 years ago | (#18162858)

Thanks Richard. I really really needed to hear that, it is sympathetic but realistic, and I'm only bawling a little bit as a result :)

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