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Talkin' With The Turd Report

The Turd Report (527733) writes | more than 11 years ago

Transmeta 7

I will be following this up with a real Turd Report, so be patient.

Many of my fans and friends have asked me various questions during my stint as The Turd Report. I would like to take some time and answer those questions. The fisrt qusetion I would like to answer is: "What is the correct way to wipe?"

Wiping is a critical part of the excremeditation ritual that is performed every day. Having the correct wiping style helps you to have a clean and odor-free butt.

I will be following this up with a real Turd Report, so be patient.

Many of my fans and friends have asked me various questions during my stint as The Turd Report. I would like to take some time and answer those questions. The fisrt qusetion I would like to answer is: "What is the correct way to wipe?"

Wiping is a critical part of the excremeditation ritual that is performed every day. Having the correct wiping style helps you to have a clean and odor-free butt.

First, make sure you have the supplies that you will need. namesly, you will need toilet paper and wet wipes. I don't have any recomendations for wet wipes, but I do have some suggestions for buying toilet paper. I prefer the cheap 2-ply paper. No lotions, no quilting, no prints. I recomend the cheap paper due to it producing almost no lint when rubbed against your butt. Excessive lint in your butt can cause irritation as the day goes on.

Now, after you have dumped you load, as it were. You are going to need to clean up. First off, determine how messy your turd was. If it was diarhea, or very loose stool, you will need to start off with a large wad of paper. The paper should cover your hand and be thick enough so stop liquid from soaking thru to your hand. This large wad of paper will be used to get the big and messy stuff off of your butt. Once you are starting to get deep into your ass crack, you will want to start using smaller and smaller wads of paper. But, be sure that it is still covering your hand. (You don't want to get a piece of poo on your hand and throw everything off.) Once I have actually wiped my anus with the paper a couple of times, I will break out the wet wipes. Take out one wet wipe and wipe around you anus. You can either use a new one for each pass, or you can fold it over and use the other (clean) side. After 2-3 wipes, the wet wipe should come out clean. At this point, I like to take a small wad of paper and dry off and do a quick spot check.

Now, all that is left ot do is to flush and make a journal entry.

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Requests For Next Question Here (1)

The Turd Report (527733) | more than 11 years ago | (#4931583)

Just reply to this post with requests.

Re:Requests For Next Question Here (-1)

The_Fire_Horse (552422) | more than 11 years ago | (#4935156)

First of all, let me thank you for your very informative reports - you provide a valuable community service.

My question is this:
Do you use air freshener after a particularly nasty turd, or do you let others in the household 'experiance' the odour as you have.

Thanks!

Re:Requests For Next Question Here (2)

FortKnox (169099) | more than 11 years ago | (#4940135)

But do you wipe from front to back, back to front, or both (and it which order)?

Re:Requests For Next Question Here (1)

zbuffered (125292) | more than 11 years ago | (#4949523)

Always wipe towards the anus.

Next caller: From Em in Atlanta (2)

Em Emalb (452530) | more than 11 years ago | (#4931802)

Hi TTR, long time listener.

My question for you is:

Have you ever had a 10? I know a while back you had two 9s, but never a 10.

Also, could you break down your scale? It would help.

thanks,
Em in Atlanta.

Re:Next caller: From Em in Atlanta (1)

The-Perl-CD-Bookshel (631252) | more than 11 years ago | (#4973554)

I believe that a 9 done in upper-decker style would be a 10.

3 wiping questions (-1)

neal n bob (531011) | more than 11 years ago | (#4961048)

1. Do you go around or down between the legs to wipe? 2. Toilet paper - fold or crumple? 3. Standing or sitting?
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