Journal Ira Sponsible's Journal: Chuck Norris Facts 1
I have one of those mind-numbingly easy jobs that requires nearly no mental effort at all to do. To keep myself sane, I have to keep my mind busy on things other than what I'm actually doing. After perusing the many Chuck Norris Facts online one night, I was annoyed that most of them weren't funny and many of them didn't respect Chuck Norris the Man. I thought the idea of these "facts" was to mock the Chuck Norris Legend, which, apparently, a lot of people are unable to separate from the man himself. I have a pretty deep respect for Chuck, he's a great guy, and has had a pretty damn cool career. I don't really care for any of his movies or his TV show, but that doesn't really matter to me much--It's obvious he had a great time doing it, and he knows how cheesy it is, and that's part of the fun. (Same reason to love Troma.) Anyway, over the course of about a week at work I devised my own list of
Chuck Norris Facts
1. The ongoing pirates vs. ninjas debate is moot because if a pirate and a ninja were to ever actually collide they would fuse into a Chuck Norris that would immediately annihilate all the remaining ninjas and pirates on the planet.
2. Chuck Norris can deliver a kick so fast that the pain will actually travel back in time and make your grandfather say "What the hell hit me?" forty years ago.
3. Scientists have calculated that there should be about 80% more mass in the universe than they're able to account for and have proposed a number of radical theories to resolve the discrepancy such as the existence of dark matter or the influence of parallel universes. The problem was finally solved when Chuck Norris admitted he kicked a hole in the universe and that's where all the missing matter went.
4. The butterfly effect is named after the oft-misquoted observation that Chuck Norris kicking a single butterfly in Asia could cause a whirlwind of pain in North America.
5. NASA's JPL has announced that they've synthesized a Liquefied Chuck Norris Round-House Kick (LCNRHK). While they admit it's not quite as powerful as the real thing, three gallons of LCNRHK would be sufficient to launch the Space Shuttle into orbit.
6. A Chuck Norris kick isn't always fatal. In fact, the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is the world's leading cause of acute amnesia, which is why you don't remember the time he kicked you in the head.
7. Vultures were once on the verge of extinction and then Chuck Norris was born.
8. Chuck Norris rides a pale horse. But Hell doesn't follow with him; he keeps it in his fist.
9. It was recently discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls that the real reason Pharoah let the Israelites go was that Moses threatened to unleash the wrath of Chuck Norris.
10. Mysterious cattle mutilations are not caused by aliens, but by Chuck Norris having a midnight snack.
11. Sunspots are formed when Chuck Norris uses the Sun as a punching bag.
12. Galactus doesn't eat planets, Chuck Norris does. Just be glad he's still full from the one that used to be between Jupiter and Mars.
13. In 1987 Mr. T got tired of shaving his head to maintain his mohawk, so he asked Chuck Norris to kick the sides of his head. The hair has never grown back since.
14. Q- How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a lightbulb? A- Just the threat of one is enough to make it change itself out of fear.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't need to have sex to reproduce. He can simply break himself in half to form two new Chuck Norrises.
This process is known as Chucklear Fission.
16. The Tungusta blast of 1908 happened when a Russian dared Chuck Norris to light one of his farts.
17. Chuck Norris once called Cthulu but Cthulu was too scared to show up.
18. In the movie Alien, no special effects were used to depict the xenomorph. Instead, Ridley Scott just borrowed Chuck Norris' lap dog.
Chuck Norris' other pets include the hellhound that devoured Robert Johnson's soul, two chupacabras, and a yeti.
19. God originally wanted to send the sinners to Chuck Norris, but Jesus told Him that was too cruel, so God created Hell instead.
20. The world really was scheduled to end in the year 2000 as many people believed, but the four horses of the Apocolypse are on Chuck Norris' ranch and the four horsemen are too scared to go get them.
21. Once upon a time there were three bears. Chuck Norris. The End.
22. Chuck Norris was originally cast in the title role in Rocky, but the producers were afraid someone who actually knew how to fight might injure the other actors, so they trained a shaved ape for the part instead.
23. Every cell in Chuck Norris' body is shaped like a fist.
24. Chuck Norris once accidentally frowned at a baby and it cried itself to death, almost making Chuck cry. Ever since then Chuck Norris always smiles at babies.
25. Chuck Norris keeps a black hole in his pocket as a handy place to store all the bodies of his victims.
26. The 1972 Miami Dolphins had a perfect season because someone started a rumor that Chuck Norris was on the team.
27. Chuck Norris once got beat up in a Bruce Lee movie, which just proves how good an actor Chuck is.
28. Chuck Norris dug up the Oak Island treasure with a runcible spoon.
29. Chuck Norris once kicked his own ass just to prove nothing is impossible.
30. To prevent heart disease, Chuck Norris ripped his own heart out of his chest and replaced it with a fist.
31. Chuck Norris donated his still-beating heart to the Make a Wish Foundation. To date, it has saved the lives of seventeen children.
32. Chuck Norris proved transubstantiation is real when he ate a communion wafer and crapped out baby Jesus in a manger, three wise men, Mary, and an angel.
33. In Soviet Russia ass kicks Chuck Norris.
Some of these might be similar to or inspired by other Chuck Norris Facts elsewhere on the web. If there happen to be any that are obvious copies that someone else invented first, go ahead and point it out to me.
Very Nicely Done Sir! (Score:2)
Nothing like linking the Tunguska event [wikipedia.org] to a fart joke ;)