demi's Journal: Humor

When segfault.org was still going, I submitted this story, which was apparently rejected. This is really old, but I thought I would preserve it here.

Vegetarian Mob Plants TVP Horse's Head in Prosecutor's Bed, FBI Says

LOS ANGELES -- Yesterday a federal prosecutor found that a horse's head made from textured vegetable protein (TVP), a meat substitute, had been placed in his bed.

U.S. Attorney Henry Chambers recently empaneled a grand jury to seek indictment of Sammy "The Vegan" Piatti on several counts of extortion and cruelty-free racketeering. Los Angeles-based FBI agent Peter McMurtry described the act of vandalism as a death threat by the Piatti vegetarian crime family.

"We've had threats from this group of criminals before; the audacity of this move just proves we're finally close to shutting them down." said McMurtry at a press conference this morning. In an unguarded moment, the obviously angry McMurtry referred to the mobsters as "f**king neatballs."

In a similar incident a year ago, a strangled Tofurky was left on the front doorstep of area lawman Frank Weller, along with a note that threatened a "falafel necktie" for the officer. The perpetrator of that threat was eventually apprehended and found guilty of peddling brown rice and hummus within 1000 yards of a school and is serving four years at Corcoran State Penitentiary.