YourMissionForToday's Journal: Ask Dr. Fuck: week of January 31, 2003

Dear readers,

Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response. This first question was so good, that Dr. Fuck and the other Dr. Fuck had a miscommunication, and they both answered it!

Nevertheless, both questions are very relevant to today's teens, so they are both printed in their entirety.

-Dr. Fuck
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Dear Sir:

I'd like know what the red, pus-engorged streaks on my balls are. They rose up after I had sex with a plate of Thai food. Do you think the curry might be having a reaction with my equipment? I do have allergies to peanuts.

Thanks a bunch,
Red Stained in Rockford

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

The red streaks on what we in the medical field call your "ballzack", are typical of allergic reactions to sex with food containing peanuts. However, the pus-engorgment is not. I suspect you probably let your dog or cat nibble the curry sauce off your equipment (as I usually do), and he or she probably accidently nipped you in the buds, as it were.

I suggest you take about 20 benadryls and soak your scrotum in hydrogen peroxide (use a 6% solution, not the usual pussy 3%). And since you do have allergies to peanuts, try to go with Mexican food instead of southeast Asian food, for future reference.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fuck

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Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

While at first I assumed as you did, that this was an allergic reaction, I did a little research and found it that this is probably not the case.

From David Kelley's excellent book, It's a Small Fuck After All: Sexual Depravities Around the Globe:

As the Scandinavians invented the erotic art of having sex with furniture, so did the Thai with food.

Traditionally, when they feel the urge to copulate with their food, the Thai will offer up a devotional to Ba Gnong , Thai god of sexual frustration. Without such a devotional, Ba Gnong may become angry and smite you. The red, pus-engorged steaks on your balls (known as "chun ow" to the Thai) are a fairly regular occurance among horny, teenage Thai.

The traditional Thai folk remedy is a little difficult; you must "ballwalk" (walk with the testicles exposed) through a crowded marketplace, flogging your scrotum and shouting "Kehi kohla miqili!" ("You don't have to go to India, to see the Taj-Mahballs!"). However, it is possible to get rid of the disease more simply by sleeping with your dick in a cooked salmon filet.

Well, Mr. Red Stained, and all of my readers, I hope that clears it up (no pun intended!) And remember, before you put your dick in a plate of fine Thai cuisine, think of Ba Gnong first and your scrotum won't suffer. Until next week!

-Dr. Fuck