Chabo's Journal: The evil squirrel story-a tale of horror

Note: This is a continuation of a series of stories written by a central Texas police officer named "Darth Tang", which are being archived by Chabo, with no editing. Read more about this project.

This story was originally posted on November 23, 2003.

In reponse to popular demand (OK, it was just Jeb Hoge), I shall recount the squirrel story; I have posted this before, I believe.

Yea it was many summers past, in the fall of the year, when the bearded unwashed alcoytes of the regional Drug Task force received word from a spy that our burg was graced by the presence of a man both calloused and harsh, come to traffic in meth and automatic arms. He was from the Windy City, where the local constabulary held two warrants for his arrest on charges of murder, and a burning desire to discuss the matter with him. They advised us that he was a bold and desperate gentleman who knew no restraint and had few hopes of a sucessful legal resolution to his problems, as a third person left for dead had not expired.

The spy told us that this man, call him A, was maintaining a very mobile lifestyle, and had arrived with a large quantity of meth (obtained, we believed, by violence from a dealer in San Antonio who was now missing and believed to be deceased) and a goodly quantity of Chinese-made AK-47 assault rifles which he had run across the border. A was heavily armed at all times, and making the arrest was a serious problem. It was suspected that he would not go peacefully.

Plus, the dope and guns were carefully stashed; A would not be cooperative, should he be brought in upright, so it was imperative to locate this before we grabbed him. Otherwise, the guns would fall into local hands, and we would be hunting them down one by one.

A, however, was mobile. He knew a local, and had come here to unload most of the hardware and all the dope in order to raise cash. This Contact (B) had put A in touch with the spy as a man who could locate a buyer. The spy had intro'd a member of the Task Force as a buyer, and the deal was coming into place.

However, A was highly mobile-there was no locateing his whereabouts with enough time to assemble a full entry team raid. It would have to be a mobile hit, after he disclosed the location of the stash. Worse, there was the real possibility that he would decide to aquire the payment and keep his product, as he was believed to have done in San Antonio. So the deal might go down with little or no lead time.

It was decided to use a four-man tactical team, of which your humble author was team leader. The team members would lay down in the back of a siezed pickup the dept had at the time, driven by a narc, which could tail the contact team (spy & buyer) as they met with A. Another narc was driving a City front-loader in the area, to be used as a crash/pin vehicle if needed. If things started to go sour, the pickup could pull alongside A's vehicle, and present him with the view of a row of weapon muzzles. It was decided to be the best of a unhappy situation. One of our sergeants, a private pilot, was circleing overhead in his single-engined plane for added insurance.

So, myself, Sandman, Dumplin, and Arsenal, decked out in tac gear and black BDUS, climbed into the truck. Besides sidearms and flash-bangs, I had my MP-5, Sandman had a LE-only Mini-14 (three round burst or full auto, I think), and Dumplin and Arsenal had shotguns, Mossburgs if I recall correctly, although Dumplin may have been carrying a 14" Benneli.

The truck looked as if it had been set afire and rolled down a cliff to put it out, a early 70s Chevy. It had a intact suspension and a rebuilt engine that could hit 140 without a lot of lead tme; its previous owner had trafficed in unlawful substances, and had planned to outrun the police. Sadly, he was asleep in bed when we had come through the doors. We had ended up with the title, and it was used as a narc ark.

Dumplin, Sandman, and myself laid on the bed with our heads next to the cab; Arsenal, being junior, laid crossways next to the tailgate, which was held on by bailing wire. A tarp was tossed over us to hide under in case anyone walked up on the truck.We laid it over us in the manner of a blanket.

Now, in our area pecan trees are extremely common, both wild and as cash crops. The truck had been parked under one for some time, and the bed had a drift of the nuts in it. We had raked most out, but we had been pressed for time, so as we drove around, we dug out pecans we were laying on and tossed them at Arsenal, or onto the tarp covering us.

The deal was not working out. The spy was terrified, and A was suspicious; the narc 'buyer' was cool, but A was a man on the run with little legal recourse and a healthy dose of parinoia. The three drove around for a while as they tried to work out the details. We were waiting to get the stash's location and the car someplace bystander-free so we could take him down, but the buyer could not close the deal. He had to play it real-if A suspected that he was being worked, the narc and spy were dead. Texas is a death penalty state, and proud of it-after San Antonio A would probably never make it to his home town.

A decided he wanted a hamburger as noon rolled around, so they stopped for a bite. By now the spy was nearly frantic, and the buyer was trying to hold him together and keep the deal moving forward.

Our driver parked us under a stand of trees at the edge of a Tractor Supply parking lot close to the resterant, and we waited. There was about ten pounds of pecans laying atop the tarp over us by this point.

A note should be made here. Dumplin is a large, good-natured man who has exhibited flawless courage on many ocasions, in one instance wadeing through waist-deep flood waters in a rain-filled night to rescue a bed-ridden woman while transformers arced and blew nearby. However, in the line of duty he has been attacked by animals large and small, includeing being badly bitten by a perfectly healthy bunny. On more than one occasion dogs, goats, and one deer have run past other officers to attack him. He has become convinced that anything with fur is out to do him grevious bodily harm, and has evidence to support this theroy. He likes to have me nearby, as my reputation for shooting animals, especialy dogs, while overblown, is a comfort to him.

While we were laying, a hundred feet from A, a squirrel dropped down from a low-hanging branch onto the truck's rail, attracted either by the mass of pecans on the tarp, or the prospect of ripping out Dumplin's throat, take your pick. He was a bright eyed-little bugger, bold as brass (the local tree vermin are bold raiders, encouraged by being hand-fed by the locals. We call them hugger-muggers).

Sandman, aware of Dumplin's fears, and being a maniac in general, started whispering, "C'mon, you little bastard, I'll kick yer ass.'

Dumplin': "Shut up, shut up. Darth, shoot it, its evil!"

And as I was telling Sandman to shut up, and Arsenal was reaching for something to throw at it, the squirrel jumped down onto the tarp.

Dumplin erupted onto his feet in a single smooth motion, screaming, "WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?" and aiming his shotgun, loaded with 3" Magnum 00 buckshot, into the bed of the truck. Sandman and I are screaming for him to hold fire and trying to scramble out of the truck; in the process Sandman accidently catches me on the bridge of my nose with the rim of his kevlar helmet, blinding me with pain-induced tears.

The thrashing feet kicked Arsenal into the tailgate, which gives way, dumping him and the tailgate out onto the aspault.

The narc driver, thinking that A had rushed the truck or something similar, promptly dove out of the truck and raced away.

In a busy parking lot, at noon, a hundred feet from where A is eating his lunch.

When I get my vison clear, I'm looking at an awed group of civilians stareing at four black-clad, heavily-armed police officers explodeing out of a junker truck like a band of complete maniacs.

The only person who didn't notice the disturbance was A, who had his back to the window.

Never underestimate the evil power that squirrels possess.