AsnFkr's Journal: The Great Donut Explosion

I had a cherry filled donut at about 4pm today, while I was at work. At around 4:30 I was tossing Dr. Oink in the air to pass the time and I missed and dropped him on the ground. When I picked him up he was magically covered in red shit. It looked like he was bleeding, and much to my delight his blood tasted fucking awesome! You see, by this point I had forgotten all about the donut. I obviously figured it out pretty quick, but was a little stumped on how the donut's guts had found it's way to my pig. I spent a few minutes cleaning him up with paper towels, and he was as good as new. At about 4:55 I put my hand on my pants and...what's this? Cherry jelly all over my hands! Motherfucker! I clean off my hands and give my pants a decent scrubbing down. All good. I close up the store and head over to the gas station for a sub. While in line a customer asks me why I have blood on my foot. I look down, and there is like a GIGANTIC FUCKING SPLATTER of that GODDAMNED FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING CHERRY FUCKING JIZZ all over my right shoe. I check out the left shoe, he's clean as a whistle. I grab a paper towel and explain the great donut exlosion to the curious customer while I'm cleaning my shoe off. I get home and want to take off the funked shoe before I go inside, careful not to track cherry shit across my carpet. I get the shoe off and go in, one foot barefoot the other still captive to a shoe. I get in the kitchen and put the jacked shoe on the counter as I pull off my left shoe. Yup. Somehow there is now fucking jelly all over my left shoe. Sonofabitch. And now it's all over my hand. I take a glance back to the carpet between the front door and the kitchen. Yea, track of red left behind me. I hop to it and clean the carpet as quick as I can so it doesn't stain. All is well on the carpet, so I focus my attention to my shoes. I get them clean after ten minutes of scrubbing and dry them off, put them with our pile of shoes by the door. I wash my hands off and come to the computer to eat my sub. I sit down and have somehow gotten jelly on my hands on the trip from the fucking sink to the computer room (30 seconds). Of course I sat down and typed before I noticed, so now the shit is all over my keyboard. I jump in the bathroom to retrieve more paper towels to clean the keyboard and wash my hands...again. While I'm in the bathroom I look in the mirror and notice there is FUCKING JELLY IN MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR. Fuck it, I have to go to the dump...I'll take a shower when I get back. How the fuck does this shit move from place to place on it's own? Quantum Jelly Teleportation I guess. I don't even remember any point during the donut consumption that any didn't make it's way to my mouth, so I don't even know how this all started. Fuck jelly donuts.