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The Turd Report 11/21/2003 (Double Ed.)

The Turd Report (527733) writes | more than 10 years ago

VA 9

I had a ham & cheese sandwich and a salad (again) for lunch yesterday; I had 6 cookies as well. My ass has decided that ~5:30am is pooping time. This morning's poop took some work to get going. This turd was odd in the fact that it wasn't cylinder shaped, but like a ribbon. It was flattened and about 6" long and looked fiberous. The turd was a medium brown and had a healthy earth smell to it. Clean up took a few extra passes and it flushed easily. I rate it an 8.

I had a ham & cheese sandwich and a salad (again) for lunch yesterday; I had 6 cookies as well. My ass has decided that ~5:30am is pooping time. This morning's poop took some work to get going. This turd was odd in the fact that it wasn't cylinder shaped, but like a ribbon. It was flattened and about 6" long and looked fiberous. The turd was a medium brown and had a healthy earth smell to it. Clean up took a few extra passes and it flushed easily. I rate it an 8.

I took a rare second poop today as well. This one was while at work. Nothing worthy of note, except for the actual 'event' and what went on during the poop.

I don't like pooping at work. The bowl is too shallow and sometimes my balls dip down in to the water. So, I have to cup my nads what I shit. This is not comfortable. I also have my cell with me at all times. Naturally, it rings just as I settle in. I *have* to take it:

Me: "Uh...Hello, TTR speaking."
Droid: "Hey, this is Joe Salesdroid. I have DonkeyPunch Networks on the phone and they have a big spam problem. I hear your the guy to solve these types of problems."
Me: "Yeah, but I am in the mid..."
Droid: "Great, this is a big customer, I'll bring them on."
Me: "But, I am taking a..."
*beep*
At the point the customer comes on. I am sitting in a toilet, with my balls in one hand and my cell in the other. I am just gonna have to wing it and try to hold on.
*fast forward a few moments*
Customer: "...and most of what we are seeing there is coming from..."
Me (no longer able to hold on): "Uuuuunnnggggghhhh...*Faaaarrrrrtttt!*...*plop*...Oy..."
Customer: "...asia and we can't determine where..."
Me: *faaaarrrrrrtttt*...oh...jeez...
Droid: Um, TTR, what is that noise?
Me: "Oh, I am in the crapper."
Droid: "...."
Customer: "....."
Me: "I have to wipe here, guys, can I call back in a few minutes?"
Customer: "....."
Droid: "....um...ah...ok..."

I can't rate this turd, because the auto-flush took it away before inspection. I do rate the fact that a customer had got to hear me take a shit as a '10'.

9 comments

Bwahahahah!!! (1)

FortKnox (169099) | more than 10 years ago | (#7531300)

Did you really tell them you were on the crapper? What did they say after you got finished?

Now -that- is a story to tell your grandkids! :-D

Re:Bwahahahah!!! (1)

The Turd Report (527733) | more than 10 years ago | (#7531412)

Yeah. I told them. The sales-droid asked why I didn't mention that I was in the bathroom and I told him I tried to tell him, but he just dropped the customer on me.

Lovely (1)

grub (11606) | more than 10 years ago | (#7531306)


Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing that. It brought a tear to my eye.

+5, Belly-Laugh (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7531772)

great stuff

That was excellent (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7531774)

Me and my brother are big fans of your Turd Reports. In fact, he has started writing some of his own. He is but a novice in log logging, but let me share one with you anyway:

The "poo" in question was born on November 20th at 9:11 pm, emerging approximately two hours later than first planned. It was a non-painful birth as the "poo" seemed to be lubricated. Easy clean up! It was light brown with small carrot-like lumps.

This "poo" did not float!

Once again, thank you for your beautiful dump stories.

mute button... (1)

mekkab (133181) | more than 10 years ago | (#7531897)

My phone has a mute button, but now I wish it didn't ;)

That was some classic (pardon the pun) shit.

u r teh roxxor ! (-1)

Adolf Hitroll (562418) | more than 10 years ago | (#7546511)

I guess if I were a better script k1dd13, I'd then added some funny figures instead of the vowels but I have to admit this report validate my assiduity : best turd report ever, you should submit this story to Slashdot.
BTW,I hope this won't get you into trouble, it's somehow easy to get flushed from a job, nowadays.

the turd report always brings a smile to my face (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7618733)

and makes me want to poop.

I had to get my "pipes cleaned" before getting some x-rays for a kidney stone once. I took the pill they gave me and an hour later had to run to the toilet - I held it and called 4 friends before one answered, just so I could force soemone to hear the event. It was literally like my butt opened up and half of my insides were projectile launched into the toilet. That was a horrible cleanup.
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