Journal Jellybob's Journal: Today's Thoughts 1
Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry - especially Sol, for her ever wise comments on the subject... you cleared things up nicely for me
Sooo... the ramblings of today, another swiftly copied posting.
Things seem to be getting better for me the last few months... I now have a job that I love doing, which seems to have brought the ammount of stress in my life right down, since it forces me to have contact with people every day.
But the last few weeks everything seems to have plummeted off the side of a cliff... it suddenly hit me how pointless my life seemed. Sure, I do a job which makes a difference to people, but I don't do anything that makes a difference to me.
I'm still the same lonely, under-confident, useless person I was 6 months ago. It's just that now I get to be lonely, under-confident, and useless against a different backdrop - one where if I screw up, it's not just me that gets screwed over, it's other people as well.
At work today, I was trying to keep track of what 3 different people were doing at the same time, and gave 2 of them the wrong assignment to do for the course their going through... and assignment they hadn't done the work for.
Afterwards, the person I work with on this course had a go at me for not paying enough attention to things, which was probably accurate. Anyone else would have written it off as a mistake, and got on with their lives.
Not me... I've been throwing it around my head all day, convincing myself that I can't do my job, and that I should just give up now.
Except I know that isn't true - I was trying to take 3 people through different stages of a course that we're running for the first time, and having difficulty using because it isn't suited to our clients. If I'm realistic, I can look back, and I can say that I have helped take 14 people from not knowing how to turn on a computer, to being able to use Word to a fairly advanced level, in 4 weeks, without any real training for the job.
The biggest joke in my head is the fact that part of what we do with clients is confidence building. I just feel like a fraud for even being in the room when we do those bits, carefully trying to hide the fact I hate myself.
Back to the point... I know I can get through this, a series of events over the past week or so has convinced me of that now. I just need to survive long enough for that to happen.
Anyway, enough rambling.
Jon
By the way... anyone have any advice on smoothly moving a 600,000 post forum to a new install... we need to do an upgrade from phpBB 2.0.2 to 2.0.6, with a bunch of new hacks, which I figured would be easier to do by moving the database across, than by trying to hack in all the changes around our modified code.
Subject goes in this area somewhere. (Score:2)
Have you seen It's a Wonderful Life? It's a movie they play every year in the US at Christmas time. George Bailey gets shown what the world would be like if he'd never been born.
What would make a difference to you?
I'm still the same lonely, under-confident, usel