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Rhymsical: Outside my cover

Chacham (981) writes | more than 10 years ago

User Journal 10

Most of my Rhymsicals elicited no responses. I guess nobody likes them. Well, i figure i'll try once more.

Most of my Rhymsicals elicited no responses. I guess nobody likes them. Well, i figure i'll try once more.

Outside my cover, I see the sheet,
The snow seems to hover, over the street.
It looks there so soft, like petals of a rose,
To lift you aloft, it seems to propose.
But when I see the white, in the month of December,
It fills me with fright, causes me to remember,
The years that have past, of days not so far,
That left me aghast, their strength was bizarre.
I mean here it's so nice, then all of a sudden,
The wind plays its dice, and snow keep a comin'.
The cold just gets colder, and outside its a haze,
Now nature is older, than her earlier days.
But now there's a sheet, it covers the ground,
I'll savor the sweet, while it's still around.

I wrote that after i once saw such nice snow, and felt these contradictory feelings. I changed a few things for grammar, including "its earlier" to "her earlier" and "agast" to "aghast". Though, i still crings over using the rose-petal simile. Yuk!

What i really like about this poem is the implicit changing of the tempo. It's starts off slowly, and speeds up starting with the word "But". And then, with her second appearance, the tempo slows, finally ending with the original tempo.

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most poetic part (1)

SolemnDragon (593956) | more than 10 years ago | (#8568466)

truthfully, i find that word Rhymsical to be just plain right. I'm not being snarky and you've a flair for imagery that i like. But that word rhymsical sums up thoughts of frozen words, waiting to be tasted.

Re:most poetic part (2, Interesting)

Chacham (981) | more than 10 years ago | (#8569244)

But that word rhymsical sums up thoughts of frozen words, waiting to be tasted.

Heh. Never thought of that. :)

In truth, i coined the word years ago to describe my personal style of poems. The way i see it, rhymes rhyme, but are not serious. Poems are serious, but do not necesarily rhyme. I focus on the rhyme, and also tell a story.

Being i focus very much on the rhyme, the word needed to include "rhyme". I guess i morphed it with "musical". Basically, i am telling the reader "don't worry, everything rhymes, and thus it'll all flow, now you just need to concentrate on the story."

I never meant it for anyone else. I just wrote it on the tab to label that section of the notebook.

i find that word Rhymsical to be just plain right.

Thanx.

and you've a flair for imagery that i like

Now i must ask that you help me. What did you mean by imagery? I was explaining both the beauty of simple snow, and the terror of the snowstorm, yet, the only concrete word i really used picture-wise was "sheet". All the other words are to focus on my reponse.

only the sheet? (1)

SolemnDragon (593956) | more than 10 years ago | (#8571062)

nonsense. Petals, dice, there's lotsa imagery out there! i like wind-dice. Much better than thunder-bowling, if you ask me. Which no one did.

Hm. That reminds me. When i lived in Vermont the thunder would roll off the mountains and echo back, and it sounded for all the world as if someone were shaking sheet metal, causing it to bow in and out. When i first heard it, i didn't even know that it was thunder, it was such a different sound.

Re:only the sheet? (1)

Chacham (981) | more than 10 years ago | (#8571200)

Petals, dice, there's lotsa imagery out there!

Ah. I see. I didn't mean for that to be imagery though. Those are just to evoke a feeling. Unlike the "sheet", which is supposed to draw a picture.

Thunder has always scared me. It simply rattles me inside. The one time i saw the storm with no sound, was that time on the plane. And that made me wonder. Of course i posted that [slashdot.org] rhymsical a few months ago.

imagery (1)

SolemnDragon (593956) | more than 10 years ago | (#8571397)

imagery is not just 'a picture.' it is also pictures used to evoke feeling- adjective-pictures. 'imagery' is not just the words used to make images- it's the images used to make the feelings. it's a subtle distinction but a very important one, and which does not detract from your main image.

Re:imagery (1)

Chacham (981) | more than 10 years ago | (#8572922)

I'd call that similies or metaphors. :)

both of which (1)

SolemnDragon (593956) | more than 10 years ago | (#8577915)

both of which are a kind of imagery.

Re:both of which (1)

Chacham (981) | more than 10 years ago | (#8578886)

OK. I just don't focus on it in that way.

Just so you know (1)

johndiii (229824) | more than 10 years ago | (#8578810)

I have also enjoyed them. Particularly the one with "the pleasure of eating real slow".

Re:Just so you know (1)

Chacham (981) | more than 10 years ago | (#8578919)

Thanx. I appreciate thart. Then maybe i will try. But i really require people to respond. I don't mean to tell people what to do, but these forays requires energy, and that comes from people's comments.

I just want people to comment. If they have nothing to say, just say "interesting", or even "this one is horrible". But the comment in itself means a lot to me.
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