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I wonder...

thelasttemptation (703311) writes | more than 10 years ago

User Journal 9

I wonder at times if I'm the only one that thinks about death. I even have a prefect way to die. I sometimes daydream bout it.

I wonder at times if I'm the only one that thinks about death. I even have a prefect way to die. I sometimes daydream bout it.

You see, I have a will written out. I update it every time that I feel down, and after I'm done with that, I usually zone out and think about what to do next. I always see myself taking a long long hot shower, enjoying every second. I then put on my best clothes. I don't have any really nice clothes, so it's a pair of black dress pants and a button down short sleeved shirt. I put on some soft music, something relaxing. I then put down a pile of towels on my bed and I lay down and cover up in my nice warm and soft green blanket. I then take a nice sharp razor blade out of the box and cut my wrists in a cross. The normal accross the wrist and then one down the center of the wrist to about half way up the forearm. I would put the razor down and just relax and wait for death.

Damn it, I'm not scared of death. Most people are, but I am not. Maybe that's because I just don't care about my life.

Anyway, back to my story.

I always think that I'll just stop breathing. I'll just stop, no wimper of pain, a look of happyness on my face. Just the transaction from live to dead would go as well as it could.

I figure it would be a few days to a few months before someone would bother to look for me. I don't think I'd be looking too good, but I wouldn't care. I want to be creamated and thrown away. I don't want a service because none of the people I'd actually want to show, would.

You see, that's the one thing I wish, more then anything else, that someone who really knows me, someone that I cared about, that someone out there would cry or at least miss me. The sad thing is the people who would cry for me wouldn't cry for *me* but cause they see their own morality or failings. I often wonder then, cause noone crys for me, am I even worth of tears? What have I done for anyone that makes me worthy of any care? I certainly never helped anyone out in need. I make new friends who abandon me. I've done nothing to be proud of, I've done nothing to help out anyone. I don't deserve human contact, which is why I keep failing at it I think. I figure after I'm found, the next two weeks will be full of 'family and friends' fighting over my stuff, cause whenever a family member dies, my family will just fight for more money out of the death, they don't care bout the person in the least. They take the life of a person and throw it all away for a few extra dollars. Fuck them.

And so after a few months, after everything I've owned has been split up and sold, and the only thing I leave behind is this journal and for some reason, I think that you guys would remember me longer then anyone I know in real life, when my memory is gone, and I'm gone. What then? I don't know, but I'd be doing something new at least. Something that hopefully isn't so... painful.

You see, I think that's my problem, I won't give up. Everything I do, I continue on and get hurt and hurt again, but I keep trucking on. I do get ever so tired of continueing on. When does it end? When should I call it quits? There comes a time when people just get tired and quit their jobs, why can't I quit my life? What is the difference?

I know, I know, I bet you guys think I should go find something to give my life meaning, but I ask you, what? To be very honest, I don't give a damn about politics. Volenterring in homeless shelters and all that havn't done anything for me. helping out the 'less fortunat' doesn't do anything to me, they seem to be a lot happier then myself, a lot more whole. How am I helping them? There doesn't seem to be anything that gives me any meaning and without meaning, how can I go on? I'm 22 fuckin years old and nothing. Why should I take the chance that in another 22 more years, everything will change? Infact, I think of myself as a drain on the world. the longer I live, the more money I waste, the more resourse I waste, the more I am waste.

I don't know why I wrote all of this. Maybe it's cause I want to know if you have any ideas, any thing that I missed? Am I wrong about anything?


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hmm (1)

BokLM (550487) | more than 10 years ago | (#9092529)

I hope you will change your mind.
There are a lot of fun things you can do in life.
And you don't know the future, maybe it will be good (or at least you can try to make it good).
Sometimes I can think the same things you wrote, but most of the times a few days/week latter I think differently.

Re:hmm (1)

thelasttemptation (703311) | more than 10 years ago | (#9110845)

Well, this was just ponderings more then a plan...

As to the fun things, like what? If you have any ideas feel free to let me know.

Yeah, sometimes I feel different later on, but other times it just seems to go on and on...

I read about this kid (1)

SamTheButcher (574069) | more than 10 years ago | (#9092912)

here [] and it almost seemed similar, sort of. Like, I wonder if his thoughts were like yours. I don't know. You would look at him pre-suicide and think "wow, he's got everything going for him". He was only 24.

I might've said it before, but if things are that bad where you are, you might want to go somewhere else. Start over. Easier said than done, but it's an idea. When life gives you lemons, get the hell outta Dodge. ;)

Re:I read about this kid (1)

thelasttemptation (703311) | more than 10 years ago | (#9110903)

maybe... I shall have to think about it...

I don't know. 14 hour days like that would get to anyone I'd think...

Re:I read about this kid (1)

SamTheButcher (574069) | more than 10 years ago | (#9111135)

14 hour days like that would get to anyone I'd think...

See, you're already looking on the bright side. ;)

please don't kill yourself, drew (1)

subgeek (263292) | more than 10 years ago | (#9095045)

i guarantee you that you are not the only one who thinks about death. proof is that suicides keep happening.

You see, that's the one thing I wish, more then anything else, that someone who really knows me, someone that I cared about, that someone out there would cry or at least miss me.

i used to feel this way when i'd think about dying. i think it is largely this feeling that drives you to contemplate taking your own life. the problem with this fantasy is that it is most likely very different from how it would play out. and someone missing you after you're gone doesn't do you any good if you're gone. if there is an afterlife, you're in a new place where you might be separated from anyone who ever cared about you. if there isn't, you're not around to appreciate the fact that people wish you were still around. either way you would have let them down by not being there. there is no romance in suicide, no matter how you imagine it. the real world almost always turns out to be different than the fantasy world. if even your fantasy world is bad, why not try to change your real life circumstances?

what you desire and simultaneously deny yourself is human contact. or at least meaningful human contact. you feel hurt by people, so you try to avoid that hurt by closing yourself off. but that isolation becomes more painful than rejection. people can heal from rejection if they allow themselves to. being willing to take that risk is sometimes necessary to find something really worthwhile. an important thing to remember about rejection is that it's often most difficult because you see yourself losing something that you imagine could have happened in the future. if there has been a big rejection, it's likely that vision of the future is flawed. it's not too hard to believe that the concept of right now could be flawed as well, meaning it's probably not as bad as it feels. i would wager you that there are people who care about you in ways you can't imagine. they are probably not the people you would expect.

a lot of times people care but don't express it exactly how you would like them to. feeling unloved and unwanted is often self-inflicted. if you don't let people in to care, they can't. if you don't like yourself, it often doesn't matter how someone else expresses their love and friendship, you won't see it.

can you think of anything you enjoy or would enjoy that you don't do right now? it could be a sport or a craft or appreciation of something. it's a great way to branch out. there are clubs and classes for all sorts of different activities. maybe you could start one of those things. there would be a bunch of people there that you don't know. you would all have at least that activity in common. you would have good reason to interact with them, comparing notes and helping each other through whatever it is you do in that club. it would be something that you do away from the friends you don't think care about you. it would give you new roots. perhaps you could start building a network away from your current network.
maybe you could start shopping for a new job. keep the one you have now, but start looking. imagine what job you'd most like to have. think about what you'd have to do to make it happen. it may be something outside your comfort level, but that's not all bad. like joe banks said in joe vs the volcano, "if you have to choose between killing yourself and doing the thing you're afraid of doing, why not take the leap and do the thing you're afraid of doing?"

please don't kill yourself. if you're willing to look for it, you can find meaning for yourself. it may not come on its own, but it can be found.

Re:please don't kill yourself, drew (1)

thelasttemptation (703311) | more than 10 years ago | (#9111015)

I didn't think about that, but you are right, at least some. I guess I wonder if it's normal to think and almost plan it all out.

I guess my main problem is that... nothing changes, no matter how hard I try it's like it just loops back around again. Maybe I need to do something big, maybe not. I don't know...

maybe my vision of what would happen is all screwy, I don't know. Maybe that's my real problem, I just don't know so much and it bugs me a lot. I don't know. I'm confused and scared, and lost.

Everything that I enjoy, well, I lose intrest after awhile and I'm looking for more things to enjoy, but I'm running out of things I guess.

I'm not planning to kill myself, but like, sometimes I wonder if I will... I don't know. I don't know a lot...

Re:please don't kill yourself, drew (1)

subgeek (263292) | more than 10 years ago | (#9113472)

it sounds like you're stuck in a cycle. anything you can do to break the cycle is a chance to start something new. if you don't have interest in anything, that's probably just part of the cycle. you're obviously an intelligent person. (first off, stupid people don't think about these things. second, i've seen your creative side. you're not stupid.)

since you're a smart person, there are probably many things that could hold your interest. sometimes it's scary to break the cycle because whatever that new thing is will be completely unknown. we all have that.

i don't know many things. i did work through the whole killing myself thing and realized it wouldn't solve any of my problems. things have gotten progressively better for me since.

don't look for the new thing to solve your problems. all it can do is provide a new environment for you. you need to find your answers. a new environment can make the search easier.

things get better.

Re:please don't kill yourself, drew (1)

1nsane0ne (607735) | more than 10 years ago | (#9117802)

I totally agree. There have been points in my life where i've felt exactly how your feeling now. It can be a very tough spot to get out of but you can do it. Eventually you just have to realize that feeling like you do sucks and it needs to change.

I think that once you realize you really could kill yourself if you wanted, that's when life gets better. Because then you know that you are in control.

When life sucks you have to appreciate the little stuff. Sunsets, mountains, etc. Stuff that we take for granted everyday. Realize how lucky you are to wake up every day and be able to live. That's what worked for me at least. Your obviously a very bright person and I'm sure you could do great things with your life. You just need to get out and figure out what it is you want to do.

Good luck.

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