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thoughts o' the day

bluefairee (716814) writes | more than 9 years ago

User Journal 4

i don't know what happened to me to make me crack. i used to be so strong. today is hitting me so hard. it's a gorgeous day out and every thought in my head is the opposite. i keep telling myself this isn't happening to me. this didn't happen. i'm just visiting and i'm going home soon. then i KNOW that this is real. this is my life. these things and thoughts are real.i don't know what happened to me to make me crack. i used to be so strong. today is hitting me so hard. it's a gorgeous day out and every thought in my head is the opposite. i keep telling myself this isn't happening to me. this didn't happen. i'm just visiting and i'm going home soon. then i KNOW that this is real. this is my life. these things and thoughts are real.

today all i see is red. actually all i'm thinking about is red. the color of my blood. if you are reading this then you already know what happened the other night. today is a gazillion times worst. dub. had to go to the doc. today and i went with him. i'm trying to use my 'coping' skills. :( i'm not upset with him or anything. i just feel bad for him. i woke up this morning and the first thought into my mind was to go and get a knife and start the cutting. this time i really do want to paint the house in blood. my blood. keep in mind this is NOT a past tense thought. it's been there since 9am. i want to bleed so badly i can taste it. feel the blood running down my arms. all of it. just to let it be everywhere and then lay down and let it bath me so i'm soaked to the bone. the horrible part (as if that's not bad enough) is i'm not afraid. not nervous. just wanting it sooooooooo badly i've had to spend the whole day so far outside to stay away from them.

dub.s b-day is on sat. he shouldn't have to deal with me. he shouldn't have to wonder if i'm 'feeling' oke. that makes me even more upset. i don't want this for my life. i don't want these for my thoughts, but this is what i have and i hate it. in a sick way i also want it. i want to hurt, i want the pain, i want the rage. i just want it all to finally come up and get out of me. in the mean time i've got to figure out how to do it without killing myself or seriously injuring myself. there is so much of it i can't believe that it's possible.

the rest of my thoughts are focused on a certain someone dub's been IMing with. he finally met her. today i've been waiting to her to IM him and for me to be there instead. the things i want to say to her and tell her what i think of her or beyond horrible. i don't want to be here and yet i am. i don't want to share him with anyone and yet i don't want much of his attention. everything in me is at conflict with each other. it makes me feel insane. is this what drives people insane? if so, then i'm not too far from being totally gone. i'm mad. i'm completly and utterly going mad.

dub. keeps telling me he's holding on to me because he knows this is not me. that the true blue wants to live and loves life. if that's true then where the hell is she. who am i and where the fuck did i come from? how do i get back there? how do i get back home? maybe this is home. my new home. my new home where there is no blue. a home where blue did die that monday night almost 4 weeks ago. that's what it feels like. blue is dead and i'm the shell of crap that's been left behind to learn how to fend for myself. the ugliness that blue would never let others see, because she knew what i could do. what i would do.

yes, insanity. that's what this all is. a waking nighmare of going slowy and painfully insane. a nightmare. my new life. my new home. insanity with all the gools and goblins from my life eating me alive. forever. forever.

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hi blue (1)

subgeek (263292) | more than 9 years ago | (#10528452)

just letting you know i'm still checking in.

the fact that you can speak about your "bad" thoughts without acting on them shows that the bad feelings do not have complete control of you.

i agree with dave that the real you is well and wants to be well. she's inside you. you may not be able to hear her because all of the extra stuff is being so loud right now. but i think if you could quiet the rage and other "bad" feelings down a bit, you'd find you're still there, right where you always were.

please consider trying to take care of yourself. i'm hoping to see your updates here some more.

Once more, into the breach (2, Insightful)

HBI (604924) | more than 9 years ago | (#10528488)

I've put off offering opinions about this matter for selfish reasons. I didn't want the responsiblity of saying things that may not be appropriate. I don't see too much other response that goes to the point of the matter. I'm compelled to reply.

don't know what happened to me to make me crack. i used to be so strong. today is hitting me so hard. it's a gorgeous day out and every thought in my head is the opposite. i keep telling myself this isn't happening to me. this didn't happen. i'm just visiting and i'm going home soon. then i KNOW that this is real. this is my life. these things and thoughts are real.

Of course it is real. You gave up hope in life. Looking at why and how aren't very useful at the moment. Focusing on the good inside of you is vital now. The past happened, but it isn't what makes you worth something. It is what you are now that does. Look at yourself in the mirror and stare into your own eyes. Is what you see hateful? I don't think anyone else would agree with you, if you think so.

There is so much for you to be and to do. The ghosts never go away, I can tell you that much. The bad things that happened in my youth never disappear and I never forget them. What I do is put them behind me. They are no longer important to what I am today. The toxic people and toxic events are long gone. I never spoke to them again once they were gone.

today all i see is red. actually all i'm thinking about is red. the color of my blood. if you are reading this then you already know what happened the other night. today is a gazillion times worst. dub. had to go to the doc. today and i went with him. i'm trying to use my 'coping' skills. :( i'm not upset with him or anything. i just feel bad for him. i woke up this morning and the first thought into my mind was to go and get a knife and start the cutting. this time i really do want to paint the house in blood. my blood. keep in mind this is NOT a past tense thought. it's been there since 9am. i want to bleed so badly i can taste it. feel the blood running down my arms. all of it. just to let it be everywhere and then lay down and let it bath me so i'm soaked to the bone. the horrible part (as if that's not bad enough) is i'm not afraid. not nervous. just wanting it sooooooooo badly i've had to spend the whole day so far outside to stay away from them.

Have you sublimated your own feelings so deeply that you have to cut and slice to feel anything at all? Or, do you think this is the only way to get a reaction out of others, perhaps? I have known people who felt both ways and felt the need to cut. Both ways are self-destructive thinking. So which do you believe in?

dub.s b-day is on sat. he shouldn't have to deal with me. he shouldn't have to wonder if i'm 'feeling' oke. that makes me even more upset. i don't want this for my life. i don't want these for my thoughts, but this is what i have and i hate it. in a sick way i also want it. i want to hurt, i want the pain, i want the rage. i just want it all to finally come up and get out of me. in the mean time i've got to figure out how to do it without killing myself or seriously injuring myself. there is so much of it i can't believe that it's possible.

You might feel sorry for him for having to worry about you, but you obviously aren't worrying much about yourself at the moment. Someone has to be there and care for you until you are ready to care for yourself. If all the love that is in your life is Dubiousdave, then he must be the one. You can't be on your own, yet.

I'm actually torn on whether it should be him or a professional. He's likely to mentor to your feelings better, but by the same token you are going to see things with him that are going to set you off. More on this below.

the rest of my thoughts are focused on a certain someone dub's been IMing with. he finally met her. today i've been waiting to her to IM him and for me to be there instead. the things i want to say to her and tell her what i think of her or beyond horrible. i don't want to be here and yet i am. i don't want to share him with anyone and yet i don't want much of his attention. everything in me is at conflict with each other. it makes me feel insane. is this what drives people insane? if so, then i'm not too far from being totally gone. i'm mad. i'm completly and utterly going mad.

You're being quite sane actually. Jealousy is a logical reaction - he's the man around you now, he's caring for you. It's logical to have those kind of feelings for him. You must be prepared to consider that he might have guilt of his own for reciprocating in any way. He might feel like he's taking advantage of you. He also might not feel that way. He might be caring for you like I care for my daughters. In these cases, he would want to have a girlfriend particularly strongly, and it's logical that you would be upset with her. There is nothing wrong with any of those feelings or actions. What would be bad is for you to take it negatively and feel like you are less of a person, less of a woman, for it. You need to remember it isn't anything about you. It is just the wrong time and place for romance.

This is why I say it might be more troublesome for you to be in that environment right now because you are going to have these feelings and you are going to be thinking about yourself, and yourself only for the near future. You don't have room for concern for others or being empathetic to others. I hope you can come to terms with this.

dub. keeps telling me he's holding on to me because he knows this is not me. that the true blue wants to live and loves life. if that's true then where the hell is she. who am i and where the fuck did i come from? how do i get back there? how do i get back home? maybe this is home. my new home. my new home where there is no blue. a home where blue did die that monday night almost 4 weeks ago. that's what it feels like. blue is dead and i'm the shell of crap that's been left behind to learn how to fend for myself. the ugliness that blue would never let others see, because she knew what i could do. what i would do.

yes, insanity. that's what this all is. a waking nighmare of going slowy and painfully insane. a nightmare. my new life. my new home. insanity with all the gools and goblins from my life eating me alive. forever. forever.


You need to look in the mirror and decide you want to live, and that there is hope in life. Once you do that, everything else will happen. You can't just say it, you have to mean it.

Try to focus on something you like. It is the only thing that worked for me.

Re:Once more, into the breach (1)

andr0meda (167375) | more than 9 years ago | (#10530309)


Good stuff, HBI. Couldn't put it better myself.

Blue, have you ever wondered if you are a person requiring more attention than others? I don't mean this negatively, but as a genuine question. Because in that case, what you like is attention, and you can turn that to your advantage. I'm thinking theater.. speeches... that sort of thing.

I understand you're far from feeling up to that sort of stuff a.t.m., but it may be another handle you can use to pull out the sparkling little girl inside that loves life.

You didn't die... (1)

TechnoLust (528463) | more than 9 years ago | (#10528748)

because I met the real blue. The blue that hugged me on her first day out of the house and wanted to make sure I was having a good time. I also met the other blue. The blue that sat in the corner and rocked back and forth when Johndiii got out his camera. Right now, you are struggling to find yourself and find reasons to live. You don't want to give up, because you aren't at a place to make an educated decision about that. What you want to avoid is finding someONE to live for. You need to live for you, for your own reasons, not for someone else.
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