this isn't the first time i've gone thru times like this. it's the 3rd or 4th. the doctors and drugs have never helped because i never stick to them.this isn't the first time i've gone thru times like this. it's the 3rd or 4th. the doctors and drugs have never helped because i never stick to them.
i've done horrible unthinkable things to the people around me, dave, and his friends. i woke up this morning with nothing, but shame. dave will forgive me. i don't forgive myself. all i can think about is all the pain and trouble i've put him thru. more like trauma, i guess. i don't want to cut. i didn't want to, but i did. my mother is not around to beat me anymore. dave won't even give me a slap on the wrist. he'll just say he loves me and he's really concerned.
so, this morning i cut. i cut for each thing i've done to hurt people. this time i cut because i deserve it. this time i was afraid. this time i cut to hurt and o' lord does it hurt. it's the only befitting punishment i could think of. i cut till my hands shook so badly i couldn't hold the knife anymore.
i know some/most/all will say this is not the way to go, but you have to understand what i've done to them. no one should get away with that without some kind of repercution.
saying i'm sorry is a joke. saying i'll promise to be good is a joke. i've tried. it's either not good enough or i'm not trying enough. for that i deserve the pain of my wounds.
that said i retreat to my room.