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no freaking clue

aebd (742461) writes | more than 9 years ago

User Journal 5

things just kinda suck. I have no clue why she keeps talking to me despite the proclaimed love for her, and her unacceptance of it. Despite the comments, despite the jealousy. Yet she still is there, she still wants to do things with me. Doesn't she know it's killing me? There are only two solutions, either I find someone else ( not likely any time soon ), or we not do stuff together. Out of sight, out of mind.

things just kinda suck. I have no clue why she keeps talking to me despite the proclaimed love for her, and her unacceptance of it. Despite the comments, despite the jealousy. Yet she still is there, she still wants to do things with me. Doesn't she know it's killing me? There are only two solutions, either I find someone else ( not likely any time soon ), or we not do stuff together. Out of sight, out of mind.

It seems that most people would have choosen to go away at this point, to drop the weirdness. I don't understand it. It doesn't mean she secretly wants me, she's said it wouldn't work. yet I proclaim my love on accident again and it doesn't seem to really change anything. Isn't that messed up somehow?

Or maybe it's worse that I know all this, I know the solution, yet am unable to actually go through with it. How do you cut someone out of your life when it's because of your own weakness? How can i simply ignore all the signs that this isn't good for me in some completely foolish blind hope or desire??? it makes no fucking sense, and yet I love the time we're together, but inevitably dread the time apart, because that just starts the problems all over again.

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Be upfront and honest (1)

Safety Cap (253500) | more than 9 years ago | (#11447690)

Tell her what you've told us and ask her why she still wants to hang out.

That will clear up your question, and possibly raise additional ones. :)

Re:Be upfront and honest (1)

aebd (742461) | more than 9 years ago | (#11474661)

HaHa. Very funny.

I think that geoswan may have it right. The problem with asking is that it'll just make her uncomfortable, it always does, but it always seems to go back to normal. I would hope that she isn't secretly harbouring feelings that such questions would bring out. Cause man that would just be trajic.

You are lucky (1)

geoswan (316494) | more than 9 years ago | (#11448186)

It may not seem this way, but you are a lucky guy.

Do you know how many guys have the opposite complaint?

We were friends,

I fell in love with her,

I told her so,

and now she won't even want to talk to me anymore !

Maybe your friend has more trust and faith in you, your intelligence, and your overall integrity than the friends those other guys complain about? Or maybe she is just a selfish person who doesn't care how what she does affects other people?

I suspect the former.

Frankly, if the former holds true, then I agree with her.

In the ideal world no one would ever freak out when they learned that someone held more feelings for them than they felt in return. No one would freak out because no one would ever become a stalker. No one would hang around, and make a nuisance of themselves when we were trying to attract the interest of someone we really liked. No one would embarrass us by lobbying our parents, or our friends.

But all these things happen, which is why all those other girls freak out when they learn a guy feels something for them that they don't return. But your friend hasn't freaked out. Good for her.

Seriously, you are a lucky guy.

Friendly companionship is a gift. It is not something to be discounted lightly. Your friend continues to offer you her friendly companionship. This is something of value!

You think it would be easier for you to get over her if she avoided you? The experiences of some correspondents suggest the opposite.

Re:You are lucky (1)

aebd (742461) | more than 9 years ago | (#11474730)

You know, and it makes me feel stupid, but I hadn't thought of that. It does put a different perspective on it.

The problem is though, is that I'm becoming a little bi polar in regaurds to this. Sometimes I feel like just dumping it all now and just making what will happen in 3 months come earlier. We will both be moving away then, and well we all know what happens with friends when you move away.

The other side is that I keep wondering if there is something and she's just too afraid or whatever. Or maybe she is just waiting for me to make a move. She's confessed shyness, so.... So there's this side that says I should just kiss her and see... I seriously doubt I ever would, but it's still there.

This is mainly only when we are apart. When we're together having fun things settle down and we're just friends, though the want is always there.

It does make me wonder if people who say they've taken the step back actually have or they just pretend really well that it's all gone.

Wishful thinking,& gals who send mixed message (1)

geoswan (316494) | more than 9 years ago | (#11476038)

Can I give you some more advice?

Wishful thinking can be an extremely powerful thing.

I had a young housemate. I'll call him J. He was 21 years old. Wishful thinking had a stranglehold on him. He liked a young woman -- P I will call her. It was pretty obvious to all of us that P didn't reciprocate J's feelings. He'd come home from work. He rode his motorcycle for one hour to get home. And I guess he must have been thinking about girls in general, and P in particular. Because he would often get home, and announce things to us. "I have been thinking about it. I realize I am not really interested in dating P. In fact I realized I am not really interested in girls at all right now (*)."

We would nod, and say, "That's nice J."

But he was very predictable. 30 seconds, 60 seconds, 90 seconds later, he would be on the phone, asking for a date.

It seemed pretty obvious to us that she wasn't interested. She would tell him that she couldn't see him, because she wasn't feeling well. And he would saym "don't worry, I will be over in half an hour, with some chicken soup."

So, we were amazed when J announced to us that P was going to be staying with us for two weeks. She had a two week interregnum, between when her old lease ended, and her new lease began.

Sure enough, she showed up, J made us all a nice dinner, and, at bedtime, he helped P make up the fold-out bed-couch in the living room.

After this two week stay she started hanging out at our place all the time. We didn't lock our door. And I would come home to learn she had let herself in. This provided quite a lot of scope for J's wishful thinking. So, What was going on?

Well, P was in a "Woman's Group". And she had told them she was sick of men, that she wanted to totally give up on men. The older gals in this group urged caution. They suggested to her that before she take this drastic step she pick that best, most attractive, most mature, most desirable guy she knew, and then make a determined effort to seduce him. She had decided that S, another of my room-mates, was that guy.

About six weeks after she started hanging out at our place all the time I was the first of our household to learn of her attempts to seduce S. It wasn't that pleasant for me.

Anyhow, about yout thought about whether you should just go up and kiss her anyhow, in case she couldn't say what she really wanted. Well P told me that J did that too. She said she thought that it was clear, right up front, that the offer of hospitality was just that, friendly hospitality, not a sexual invitation. When it came time for the fold-out couch to be made into a bed, J double-checked, was she sure she didn't want to sleep with him, after all. So, she was really pissed off with him, when an hour or so afterwards, after everyone had gone to bed, she found that he was trying to slip into her bed.

I'd already decided to keep a firm grasp on my own wishful thinking. But hearing about this situation really reinforced this.

I decided that I would be oblivious to gals who send mixed messages. They were going to be out of luck.

I'll tell you another story. A few years later there was a friend of P's who I found really desirable. She was artistic, and volatile, and emotional.

Well, she asked me for a favour. She knew I was coming from Toronto to Kitchener on a certain weekend. She knew I would normally drive back on Sunday night. But, would I consider having dinner at her place Sunday night, say over at her place Sunday, and then giving her a lift to Toronto International Airport so she could catch a 7am flight?

I told her it would be no problem, that I would love to, and that it wouldn't be inconvenient. That last bit, the inconvenience part, was a fib. But I really liked her.

Wishful thinking. Was it possible that this was just a ploy, to get me to stay over? I figured that it was very unlikely, but within the realm of possibility. So, what it she really had come to recognize all the virtues that would make me a good partner? Would I just go with the flow, if she crawled into my bed? Exciting though that might have been, I decided that I didn't want that. I liked her too much for that. I wanted actual dating first.

I had a nice dinner with K, and her room-mate. I showed them my new digital watch, that had timezones, phone numbers, and an alarm. I was counting on that alarm waking me up the next morning.

Then K helped me make up the folding bed. We said goodnight. And she went upstairs. Well, about fifteen minutes later, when all the lights were out, I heard someone creep downstairs. I heard someone creep into my room. And I thought to myself. "You already thought this out. You don't want to just start sleeping with this lovely, unpredictable, volatile gal, without knowing what was going on, what I could expect." So, I played dumb. I waited to see if she was going to say something. I pretended to be asleep.

Well, about twenty seconds later, I heard that someone leave the room, and go back upstairs.

For several months I went over this in my mind. Had I blown an opportunity for something nice?


On another visit her room-mate had an apology for me. She hoped she hadn't woken me. After I had gone to bed, she found her brand new, mischevious new kitten had captured my new watch, and had taken it upstairs, to her room. Since she knew I was counting on it, first thing, she slipped downstairs, and since I seemed to be asleep she had put it beside my bed.

So, I didn't miss out on something nice.

And I was glad I hadn't said anything to K about it.

Watch out for that wishful thinking.

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