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I Believe You Have My Stapler

michael posted more than 12 years ago | from the chisel-point dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 583

yack0 writes "After three years of demand and countless calls, emails and letters, you can finally buy a Red Swingline Stapler. Hooray! As noted in this wall street journal article and confirmed by this page at the Swingline Stapler web site you can now pick up a Red Swingline stapler for merely twice the price of a plain black stapler. However, a colleague of mine says that the online order form is reading around $16 for his right now. Now all the cubicle dwelling prairie dogs can get one step closer to burning down the building." The red stapler has become some sort of cult icon at this point.

Sorry! There are no comments related to the filter you selected.

i know where it is (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862065)

Nonono, the stapler is up your ass

FP (-1, Offtopic)

Loman (545971) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862066)

F I R S T P O S T ! ! ! ! !

Re:FP (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862073)

Eat shit- I beat you to the FP, monkey boy. Maybe instead, the stapler is up your ass?

Re:FP (-1)

Fecal Troll Matter (445929) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862115)

One day soon, a CVS shopper may win $100,000!

MOD PARENT DOWN -1 VIRGIN (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862148)

You're not having much luck with those first posts are you? Only got one out of several attempts. Try harder grasshopper. And don't be such a pussy.

DOD version... (5, Funny)

paiute (550198) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862070)

is black and shows up on radar smaller than a pelican. Only $56,000 each.

Re:DOD version... (1)

Geccoman (18319) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862099)

56k is the sale price. Wait till you see MSRP.

Re:DOD version... (-1)

Sexual Asspussy (453406) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862105)

tonight was your first anal, wasn't it?

everyone says the same thing the first time. you'll get used to it.

Re:DOD version... (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862120)

Christ, I love Greek! Women just don't seem to understand that a man can find just as much pleasure in the warm confines of a well-muscled ass as they can in the satin embrace of a well-wetted cunt. Maybe we men have conditioned them too well to ignoring one hole for the other: nonetheless, every man I've talked to about it loves Greek and every woman who I've talked to about it has been less than enthusiastic. So imagine my surprise last weekend when Kathleen treated me to the joys of anal sex in what must be the first time in five or six hours

The night started our strangely. Kathleen had just finished re-arranging her large library of "Perl Programming for Dummies" books (too bad they weren't around when I was writing SLASH!) and was exhausted. As suits my biological clock, I was just coming awake at 10 PM when she was turning in. She invited me to bed and I politely declined: I was horny as usual and told her I'd keep her awake. (Besides, Hemos had invited me over for a suck-n-fuck). After a couple of more requests from her, I stripped and crawled in beside her. Kathleen loves to snuggle and wasted no time in curling her fat body up next to mine. I turned and kissed her buck teeth. She was oddly responsive for her tired state, and teased me with a hint of tongue in her kisses. I reached down to feel her muff and found it just beginnin' to revv as her right hand slipped down her belly to her clit.

I took up what has become my customary position between her legs - kneeling and using my cock as a sex toy to tickle her lower labia and the entrance to her cunt. But this time I let my aim wander lower to the wonderful curve where ass, crotch, and leg meet. I rubbed my cock against this soft crescent and expanded the stroke to brush against the entrance to her ass. I noticed that every time that my prick touched her rosebud, her strokes on her clit quickened. It wasn't long before I was pressing the tip of my cock against her asshole.

Surprise! My cock slipped easily into her ass until the entire head was buried inside, and just as I was about to pull out and apoligize, she handed me a bottle of sex lubricant and said "What the fuck? Why not?". I pulled back and poured the lubricant on my hard cock and noticed her pussy was swollen and very wet. I worked my cock back into her tight asshole. It was so easy. I could feel her ass muscles relaxing and opening for me. I eased ever so slowly deeper. Such heaven! Like a warm, wet hand gripping all around my prick - so much tighter than pussy, and delightful in an entirely different way. I could feel her hips grind against me as I worked the last of my seven-plus inches into her tight ass. Realizing where I was and how long it had been since I'd known this pleasure, I had to fight to pull the reigns in on my orgasm.

It seemed like forever - my slow rocking pulling my cock almost full-length out of her ass before easing it back in until my balls rested against her firm buns. Her right hand furiously massaged her clit and her left hand played at the entrance of her cunt, pressing on the full length of her labia. And all the while my cock was enveloped in a firm net of gripping muscles that wrestled to bring the cum from me. "It's so weird," she said as she searched for the grip on her own orgasm. Suddenly, it was upon her. I felt her ass open up like a mouth that was just to blow up a ballon. "Are you close?" she hissed. "No," I grunted. She was close, tho'. Too close to stop. I felt her stiffen and lurch under me. "Uuhhhh! Come on you bastard! Fill my ass!" she yelled as she dug her nails into my back. Amazing what a little dirty talk will do - from that special nowhere where good men hide their orgasms until their lovers are ready, my load bolted from my crotch to my brain and back to my flushed balls. I gripped the pillow with my teeth and jerked my neck back and forth and tried not to deafen Kathleen when my cum blasted out of my cock like red ink from Va Software. The rush of jism racing up my tube seemed to last for stroke after stroke until sweaty Kathleen gasped, grunted, and pushed me from on top of her. Since I have a lot anal experience myself (You try living with Hemos for 3 years!), I knew the sudden discomfort of having something in your ass after you've orgasmed. I considerately slipped out of her despite not having finsihed my own orgasm to my complete satisfaction.

I kissed her and thanked her for her special gift, but she pushed me away. "Go wash off and fuck my pussy," she said " I feel like something's undone." So after a quick and thourough shower, I returned to the futon where her dripping, swollen twat waited for my not-quite-recovered cock.

And that's another story...

Rob is SO dead. (-1)

Kathleen Malda (566054) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862137)

I can't believe he leaked this story out. I'm going to kill him. He fucks me for the first time in WEEKS, I have to let him fuck me in the ASS to get him to do anything, and then he turns around and puts the story where someone can post it.

I'm sorry guys. This was between me and my Rob.

My cube-mate had a case of Office Space (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862075)

Yesterday he had 4 bosses/managers/etc come tell him the exact same thing --- that he didn't correctly stow away his oscilloscope in the proper location; but he didn't cause he wasn't finished working with it yet! Truly an Office Space moment.

Re:My cube-mate had a case of Office Space (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862129)

We had been seeing each other for a few weeks when he invited me to come and stay at his place for a few days. I had some time off from work, so I took him up on it. We didn't see each other often because of the distance between us, so this was a great opportunity to be together and get to know each other.

I arrived at the airport and he was there waiting. We quickly got my luggage and went "home". The first night we made love the usual ways, sucking and fucking each other until we fell asleep. The next morning I awoke with him staring down at me as I slept. I knew that there was something going on behind that sheepish grin and it was shortly thereafter that I found out just what it was.

After taking a shower, I came out of the bathroom wearing just a towel. He came over to me and pulled me close to him. His hands ran down my back and rested on my ass. "Tonight, I want to take you in there", he said. I had never had anal sex before and told him that. "I know," he said, "so I will have to prepare you to accept me." He took me into the bedroom and told me to bend over. He spread my cheeks and I could feel something entering my hole. It was, he explained, a butt plug and would help to loosen me for later. I was to wear it all day and only take it out to use the bathroom, after which I was to call him and he would put it back where it belonged. It felt strange at first. I wasn't used to having something back there. But, since I wanted to please him, I did not object.

We spent the day doing normal type things, only every time I took a step I could feel the plug in my ass. Even at dinner, when I sat down, it was obviously there. When we returned home, he told me to undress and wait for him on the bed. I undressed and waited. He came in shortly and told me that our relationship was in trouble. He said that I was a spoiled brat (which is true) and that I needed some discipline.

Before I knew what was happening he had turned me over his knee and was stroking my ass. "Now you will get what all spoiled brats deserve" he said. And with that, his large hand came down on my ass....

Ahhh office space, will you ever learn? (5, Funny)

Timmeh (555676) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862076)

Slydell: So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch.
Lumbergh: Great.
Portwood: So um, Milton has been let go?
Slydell: Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally.
Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end.

Re:Ahhh office space, will you ever learn? (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862141)

Christ, I love Greek! Women just don't seem to understand that a
man can find just as much pleasure in the warm confines of a
well-muscled ass as they can in the satin embrace of a well-wetted
cunt. Maybe we men have conditioned them too well to ignoring one
hole for the other: nonetheless, every man I've talked to about it
loves Greek and every woman who I've talked to about it has been
less than enthusiastic. So imagine my surprise last weekend when
Jenifer treated me to the joys of anal sex in what must be the
first time in five or six years.

The night started our strangely. Jenifer had just finished re-
arranging her large library and was exhausted. As suits my
biological clock, I was just coming awake at 10 PM when she was
turning in. She invited me to bed and I politely declined: I was
horny as usual and told her I'd keep her awake. After a couple of
more requests from her, I stripped and crawled in beside her.
Jenifer loves to snuggle and wasted no time in curling her small body
up next to mine. I turned and kissed her. She was oddly
responsive for her tired state, and teased me with a hint of
tongue in her kisses. I reached down to feel her muff and found it
just beginnin' to revv as her right hand slipped down her belly to
her clit.

I took up what has become my customary position between her legs -
kneeling and using my cock as a sex toy to tickle her lower labia
and the entrance to her cunt. But this time I let my aim wander
lower to the wonderful curve where ass, crotch, and leg meet. I
rubbed my cock against this soft crescent and expanded the stroke
to brush against the entrance to her ass. I noticed that every
time that my prick touched her rosebud, her strokes on her clit
quickened. It wasn't long before I was pressing the tip of my cock
against her asshole.

Surprise! My cock slipped easily into her ass until the entire
head was buried inside, and just as I was about to pull out and
apoligize, she handed me a bottle of sex lubricant and said "What
the fuck? Why not?". I pulled back and poured the lubricant on
my hard cock and noticed her pussy was swollen and very wet. I
worked my cock back into her tight asshole. It was so easy. I
could feel her ass muscles relaxing and opening for me. I eased
ever so slowly deeper. Such heaven! Like a warm, wet hand
gripping all around my prick - so much tighter than pussy, and
delightful in an entirely different way. I could feel her hips
grind against me as I worked the last of my seven-plus inches into
her tight ass. Realizing where I was and how long it had been
since I'd known this pleasure, I had to fight to pull the reigns in
on my orgasm.

It seemed like forever - my slow rocking pulling my cock almost
full-length out of her ass before easing it back in until my balls
rested against her firm buns. Her right hand furiously massaged
her clit and her left hand played at the entrance of her cunt,
pressing on the full length of her labia. And all the while my
cock was enveloped in a firm net of gripping muscles that wrestled
to bring the cum from me. "It's so weird," she said as she
searched for the grip on her own orgasm. Suddenly, it was upon
her. I felt her ass open up like a mouth that was just to blow up
a ballon. "Are you close?" she hissed. "No," I grunted.
She was close, tho'. Too close to stop. I felt her stiffen and
lurch under me. "Uuhhhh! Come on you bastard! Fill my ass!" she
yelled as she dug her nails into my back. Amazing what a little
dirty talk will do - from that special nowhere where good men hide
their orgasms until their lovers are ready, my load bolted from my
crotch to my brain and back to my flushed balls. I gripped the
pillow with my teeth and jerked my neck back and forth
and tried not to deafen Jenifer when my cum blasted out of my cock
like water from a firehose. The rush of jism racing up my tube
seemed to last for stroke after stroke until sweaty Jenifer
gasped, grunted, and pushed me from on top of her. Since I have a
little anal experience myself, I knew the sudden discomfort of
having something in your ass after you've orgasmed. I
considerately slipped out of her despite not having finsihed my own
orgasm to my complete satisfaction.

I kissed her and thanked her for her special gift, but she pushed
me away. "Go wash off and fuck my pussy," she said " I feel like
something's undone." So after a quick and thourough shower, I
returned to the futon where her dripping, swollen twat waited for
my not-quite-recovered cock.

And that's another story...

greek to me! (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862078)

Christ, I love Greek! Women just don't seem to understand that a
man can find just as much pleasure in the warm confines of a
well-muscled ass as they can in the satin embrace of a well-wetted
cunt. Maybe we men have conditioned them too well to ignoring one
hole for the other: nonetheless, every man I've talked to about it
loves Greek and every woman who I've talked to about it has been
less than enthusiastic. So imagine my surprise last weekend when
Jenifer treated me to the joys of anal sex in what must be the
first time in five or six years.

The night started our strangely. Jenifer had just finished re-
arranging her large library and was exhausted. As suits my
biological clock, I was just coming awake at 10 PM when she was
turning in. She invited me to bed and I politely declined: I was
horny as usual and told her I'd keep her awake. After a couple of
more requests from her, I stripped and crawled in beside her.
Jenifer loves to snuggle and wasted no time in curling her small body
up next to mine. I turned and kissed her. She was oddly
responsive for her tired state, and teased me with a hint of
tongue in her kisses. I reached down to feel her muff and found it
just beginnin' to revv as her right hand slipped down her belly to
her clit.

I took up what has become my customary position between her legs -
kneeling and using my cock as a sex toy to tickle her lower labia
and the entrance to her cunt. But this time I let my aim wander
lower to the wonderful curve where ass, crotch, and leg meet. I
rubbed my cock against this soft crescent and expanded the stroke
to brush against the entrance to her ass. I noticed that every
time that my prick touched her rosebud, her strokes on her clit
quickened. It wasn't long before I was pressing the tip of my cock
against her asshole.

Surprise! My cock slipped easily into her ass until the entire
head was buried inside, and just as I was about to pull out and
apoligize, she handed me a bottle of sex lubricant and said "What
the fuck? Why not?". I pulled back and poured the lubricant on
my hard cock and noticed her pussy was swollen and very wet. I
worked my cock back into her tight asshole. It was so easy. I
could feel her ass muscles relaxing and opening for me. I eased
ever so slowly deeper. Such heaven! Like a warm, wet hand
gripping all around my prick - so much tighter than pussy, and
delightful in an entirely different way. I could feel her hips
grind against me as I worked the last of my seven-plus inches into
her tight ass. Realizing where I was and how long it had been
since I'd known this pleasure, I had to fight to pull the reigns in
on my orgasm.

It seemed like forever - my slow rocking pulling my cock almost
full-length out of her ass before easing it back in until my balls
rested against her firm buns. Her right hand furiously massaged
her clit and her left hand played at the entrance of her cunt,
pressing on the full length of her labia. And all the while my
cock was enveloped in a firm net of gripping muscles that wrestled
to bring the cum from me. "It's so weird," she said as she
searched for the grip on her own orgasm. Suddenly, it was upon
her. I felt her ass open up like a mouth that was just to blow up
a ballon. "Are you close?" she hissed. "No," I grunted.
She was close, tho'. Too close to stop. I felt her stiffen and
lurch under me. "Uuhhhh! Come on you bastard! Fill my ass!" she
yelled as she dug her nails into my back. Amazing what a little
dirty talk will do - from that special nowhere where good men hide
their orgasms until their lovers are ready, my load bolted from my
crotch to my brain and back to my flushed balls. I gripped the
pillow with my teeth and jerked my neck back and forth
and tried not to deafen Jenifer when my cum blasted out of my cock
like water from a firehose. The rush of jism racing up my tube
seemed to last for stroke after stroke until sweaty Jenifer
gasped, grunted, and pushed me from on top of her. Since I have a
little anal experience myself, I knew the sudden discomfort of
having something in your ass after you've orgasmed. I
considerately slipped out of her despite not having finsihed my own
orgasm to my complete satisfaction.

I kissed her and thanked her for her special gift, but she pushed
me away. "Go wash off and fuck my pussy," she said " I feel like
something's undone." So after a quick and thourough shower, I
returned to the futon where her dripping, swollen twat waited for
my not-quite-recovered cock.

And that's another story...

SP (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862079)

second post

3 posts.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862080)

...and the store's page is slashdotted.... and google hadn't cached it yet! ahhhh!

what the hell? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862085)

AM I the only one baffled by this pointless story? What the hell does a red stapler have to do with anything?

Re:what the hell? (1)

WickedChicken (459613) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862104)

Watch office space, a cult movie. Now you know what people mean by "office spacing" something they hate.

Re:what the hell? (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862164)

Christ, I love Greek! Women just don't seem to understand that a
man can find just as much pleasure in the warm confines of a
well-muscled ass as they can in the satin embrace of a well-wetted
cunt. Maybe we men have conditioned them too well to ignoring one
hole for the other: nonetheless, every man I've talked to about it
loves Greek and every woman who I've talked to about it has been
less than enthusiastic. So imagine my surprise last weekend when
Jenifer treated me to the joys of anal sex in what must be the
first time in five or six years.

The night started our strangely. Jenifer had just finished re-
arranging her large library and was exhausted. As suits my
biological clock, I was just coming awake at 10 PM when she was
turning in. She invited me to bed and I politely declined: I was
horny as usual and told her I'd keep her awake. After a couple of
more requests from her, I stripped and crawled in beside her.
Jenifer loves to snuggle and wasted no time in curling her small body
up next to mine. I turned and kissed her. She was oddly
responsive for her tired state, and teased me with a hint of
tongue in her kisses. I reached down to feel her muff and found it
just beginnin' to revv as her right hand slipped down her belly to
her clit.

I took up what has become my customary position between her legs -
kneeling and using my cock as a sex toy to tickle her lower labia
and the entrance to her cunt. But this time I let my aim wander
lower to the wonderful curve where ass, crotch, and leg meet. I
rubbed my cock against this soft crescent and expanded the stroke
to brush against the entrance to her ass. I noticed that every
time that my prick touched her rosebud, her strokes on her clit
quickened. It wasn't long before I was pressing the tip of my cock
against her asshole.

Surprise! My cock slipped easily into her ass until the entire
head was buried inside, and just as I was about to pull out and
apoligize, she handed me a bottle of sex lubricant and said "What
the fuck? Why not?". I pulled back and poured the lubricant on
my hard cock and noticed her pussy was swollen and very wet. I
worked my cock back into her tight asshole. It was so easy. I
could feel her ass muscles relaxing and opening for me. I eased
ever so slowly deeper. Such heaven! Like a warm, wet hand
gripping all around my prick - so much tighter than pussy, and
delightful in an entirely different way. I could feel her hips
grind against me as I worked the last of my seven-plus inches into
her tight ass. Realizing where I was and how long it had been
since I'd known this pleasure, I had to fight to pull the reigns in
on my orgasm.

It seemed like forever - my slow rocking pulling my cock almost
full-length out of her ass before easing it back in until my balls
rested against her firm buns. Her right hand furiously massaged
her clit and her left hand played at the entrance of her cunt,
pressing on the full length of her labia. And all the while my
cock was enveloped in a firm net of gripping muscles that wrestled
to bring the cum from me. "It's so weird," she said as she
searched for the grip on her own orgasm. Suddenly, it was upon
her. I felt her ass open up like a mouth that was just to blow up
a ballon. "Are you close?" she hissed. "No," I grunted.
She was close, tho'. Too close to stop. I felt her stiffen and
lurch under me. "Uuhhhh! Come on you bastard! Fill my ass!" she
yelled as she dug her nails into my back. Amazing what a little
dirty talk will do - from that special nowhere where good men hide
their orgasms until their lovers are ready, my load bolted from my
crotch to my brain and back to my flushed balls. I gripped the
pillow with my teeth and jerked my neck back and forth
and tried not to deafen Jenifer when my cum blasted out of my cock
like water from a firehose. The rush of jism racing up my tube
seemed to last for stroke after stroke until sweaty Jenifer
gasped, grunted, and pushed me from on top of her. Since I have a
little anal experience myself, I knew the sudden discomfort of
having something in your ass after you've orgasmed. I
considerately slipped out of her despite not having finsihed my own
orgasm to my complete satisfaction.

I kissed her and thanked her for her special gift, but she pushed
me away. "Go wash off and fuck my pussy," she said " I feel like
something's undone." So after a quick and thourough shower, I
returned to the futon where her dripping, swollen twat waited for
my not-quite-recovered cock.

And that's another story...

Re:what the hell? (1)

Oculus Habent (562837) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862193)

I believe you have my stapler.

Umm, yeahhhhhh...

I just wanted to... (0, Offtopic)

Squeezer (132342) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862086)

get in on the comments before the million office space movie quotes :)

damned /. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862131)

500 Internal Server Error /b2c/:

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java.lang.NullPointerException
at jrun__util__Errorpage2ejsp13._jspService(jrun__uti l__Errorpage2ejsp13.java:268)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.HttpJSPServlet.service(HttpJSPSer vlet.java:40)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:10 24)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.runServlet(JRunSE.java :936)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunNamedDispatcher.forward(J RunNamedDispatcher.java:34)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.JSPServlet.service(JSPServlet.jav a:177)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:10 24)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.runServlet(JRunSE.java :936)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunRequestDispatcher.forward (JRunRequestDispatcher.java:88)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.JRunPageContext.forward(JRunPageC ontext.java:333)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.JRunPageContext.handlePageExcepti on(JRunPageContext.java:350)
at jrun__index2ejspa._jspService(jrun__index2ejspa.ja va:883)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.HttpJSPServlet.service(HttpJSPSer vlet.java:40)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:10 24)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.runServlet(JRunSE.java :936)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunNamedDispatcher.forward(J RunNamedDispatcher.java:34)
at allaire.jrun.jsp.JSPServlet.service(JSPServlet.jav a:177)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:10 24)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.runServlet(JRunSE.java :936)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunRequestDispatcher.forward (JRunRequestDispatcher.java:88)
at allaire.jrun.file.FileServlet.service(FileServlet. java:179)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunServletPool.service(JRunS ervletPool.java:92)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:10 24)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.runServlet(JRunSE.java :936)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunRequestDispatcher.forward (JRunRequestDispatcher.java:88)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:11 63)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JRunSE.service(JRunSE.java:11 53)
at allaire.jrun.servlet.JvmContext.dispatch(JvmContex t.java:330)
at allaire.jrun.jrpp.ProxyEndpoint.run(ProxyEndpoint. java:382)
at allaire.jrun.ThreadPool.run(ThreadPool.java:272)
at allaire.jrun.WorkerThread.run(WorkerThread.java:75 )

Watch movie while working (1)

acasto (591344) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862088)

The fun thing to do, is watch the movie, while you are working. But I must not, it dose not help productivity!!!

Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862089)

I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
Rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when i feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(but no one ever does)

I'm not sick but i'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell

Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv

Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all i was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, god damn you

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind

Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm going underground with the moles
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me

I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well

My first lyrics post. I hope you dont use linux. [freebsd.org]

I want a sledge hammer (1, Offtopic)

Snowbeam (96416) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862095)

I have a ton of machines to beat the living daylight out of. I also have my Office Space Soundtrack to play along to them. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta....

Re:I want a sledge hammer (2)

scott1853 (194884) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862155)

I got an old HP Laserjet II you can take out to a field if you want. Although you'd probably be too tired to beat the crap out of it after having to lift it out of the trunk of your car.

Re:I want a sledge hammer (1)

Verizon Guy (585358) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862161)

I like to sing along to Scarface's "No Tears" on my drive to work a la Michael Bolton...

I've got my pistol point cocked
Ready to lay shots nonstop until I see your monkey ass drop
And let your homies know who done it
Cause when it comes to this gangsta shit you motherfuckers know who run it
So when you put this motherfucker to the test
You gotta realize somethin' nigga: you fuckin' with the very best

I got this killa up inside of me
I can't talk to my mother so I talk to my diary
I'm goin' off on the deep end
I found myself face to face with myself while I'm sleepin'

Re:I want a sledge hammer (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862170)

Christ, I love Greek! Women just don't seem to understand that a
man can find just as much pleasure in the warm confines of a
well-muscled ass as they can in the satin embrace of a well-wetted
cunt. Maybe we men have conditioned them too well to ignoring one
hole for the other: nonetheless, every man I've talked to about it
loves Greek and every woman who I've talked to about it has been
less than enthusiastic. So imagine my surprise last weekend when
Jenifer treated me to the joys of anal sex in what must be the
first time in five or six years.

The night started our strangely. Jenifer had just finished re-
arranging her large library and was exhausted. As suits my
biological clock, I was just coming awake at 10 PM when she was
turning in. She invited me to bed and I politely declined: I was
horny as usual and told her I'd keep her awake. After a couple of
more requests from her, I stripped and crawled in beside her.
Jenifer loves to snuggle and wasted no time in curling her small body
up next to mine. I turned and kissed her. She was oddly
responsive for her tired state, and teased me with a hint of
tongue in her kisses. I reached down to feel her muff and found it
just beginnin' to revv as her right hand slipped down her belly to
her clit.

I took up what has become my customary position between her legs -
kneeling and using my cock as a sex toy to tickle her lower labia
and the entrance to her cunt. But this time I let my aim wander
lower to the wonderful curve where ass, crotch, and leg meet. I
rubbed my cock against this soft crescent and expanded the stroke
to brush against the entrance to her ass. I noticed that every
time that my prick touched her rosebud, her strokes on her clit
quickened. It wasn't long before I was pressing the tip of my cock
against her asshole.

Surprise! My cock slipped easily into her ass until the entire
head was buried inside, and just as I was about to pull out and
apoligize, she handed me a bottle of sex lubricant and said "What
the fuck? Why not?". I pulled back and poured the lubricant on
my hard cock and noticed her pussy was swollen and very wet. I
worked my cock back into her tight asshole. It was so easy. I
could feel her ass muscles relaxing and opening for me. I eased
ever so slowly deeper. Such heaven! Like a warm, wet hand
gripping all around my prick - so much tighter than pussy, and
delightful in an entirely different way. I could feel her hips
grind against me as I worked the last of my seven-plus inches into
her tight ass. Realizing where I was and how long it had been
since I'd known this pleasure, I had to fight to pull the reigns in
on my orgasm.

It seemed like forever - my slow rocking pulling my cock almost
full-length out of her ass before easing it back in until my balls
rested against her firm buns. Her right hand furiously massaged
her clit and her left hand played at the entrance of her cunt,
pressing on the full length of her labia. And all the while my
cock was enveloped in a firm net of gripping muscles that wrestled
to bring the cum from me. "It's so weird," she said as she
searched for the grip on her own orgasm. Suddenly, it was upon
her. I felt her ass open up like a mouth that was just to blow up
a ballon. "Are you close?" she hissed. "No," I grunted.
She was close, tho'. Too close to stop. I felt her stiffen and
lurch under me. "Uuhhhh! Cum on you bastard! Fill my ass!" she
yelled as she dug her nails into my back. Amazing what a little
dirty talk will do - from that special nowhere where good men hide
their orgasms until their lovers are ready, my load bolted from my
crotch to my brain and back to my flushed balls. I gripped the
pillow with my teeth and jerked my neck back and forth
and tried not to deafen Jenifer when my cum blasted out of my cock
like water from a firehose. The rush of jism racing up my tube
seemed to last for stroke after stroke until sweaty Jenifer
gasped, grunted, and pushed me from on top of her. Since I have a
little anal experience myself, I knew the sudden discomfort of
having something in your ass after you've orgasmed. I
considerately slipped out of her despite not having finsihed my own
orgasm to my complete satisfaction.

I kissed her and thanked her for her special gift, but she pushed
me away. "Go wash off and fuck my pussy," she said " I feel like
something's undone." So after a quick and thourough shower, I
returned to the futon where her dripping, swollen twat waited for
my not-quite-recovered cock.

And that's another story...

it's confirmed: the Internet is dying! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862101)

Can't reach [www.sfu.ca] Canada [mcgill.ca] .
Internet Traffic Report [internettr...report.com] pronounces the internet "dead"!

Regurgitator - Social Disaster (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862107)

social disaster sad young bastard
used to feel alone cos i didn't get plastered
but i'm past it though i still ask it:
how long is this shit going to last?

it doesn't get me down like it used to
cos now i'm used to
hanging with a drugged crew
a select fucked few
that i speak shit to
when i'm in the mood to
mingle at the venue

gotta get fucked up
just to get the guts up
reality shuts up
now you can throw your butts up
i'll be the poor straight fuck in the corner
chewing on his tongue in the cigarette sauna

nothing but a social disaster

damn i feel i should be drinking
this is not the place to be thinking
i'm here for the music cos it sounds wicked
lyric plus melody but i can't pick it

ringing in the ear pain getting belligerent
smelling like a beer stain smoking a cigarette
having a good time is giving me illness
think i'll head outside and soak up some stillness

not that i'm jaded
just unrelated to this inebriated
ego inflated culture
that you love don't ya?
well don't ya? ha?

i'm a tall poppy so you better lop me
held me like a baby then go and drop me
you say i sound like this i sound like that
i sound like whoever at the drop of a hat

i'm sorry i'm generic just grin and bear it
spend it if you can spare it
strap it on and wear it
purchase a credo that doesn't have to last
supplement your ego with this piece of plastic

ethical crisis? here's good advice says:
sell your sorry soul and get a nice price for it
now that it's done let's have some fun
that's the priority a number one

a number one

ALL MODERATORS SMOKE COCK. thankyou.

excuse me... (5, Funny)

edrugtrader (442064) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862108)

i was told i could first post between the hours of 7 and 8 pm... sharon posts while she files, so i don't see any reason why... i'll burn down the building.

Re:excuse me... (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862188)

My wife, Debbie, is a very good card player. We've played strip
poker more times than I can remember, and I can count the number
of times I've won on one hand. When we play, the person with the
winning hand gets to decide what item of clothing the other one
will remove. The game continues until one person is nude. That
person has to do whatever the winner dictates. It was a game of
strip poker that opened the door to our first threesome. Deb and
I had discussed the possibility of a threesome before, but the
wheels had never gotten rolling until one afternoon when we
invited our friend Dan over for a barbecue. Dan had always had
the hots for Debbie, and we thought he would be perfect for our
first threeway. At one point during the late afternoon, when
Debbie was inside the house, I asked Dan point-blank if he'd like
to fuck my wife. He was shocked at first, but then I explained
how Debbie dreamed of having a cock up her pussy and ass at the
same time, and that he was the only guy she'd consider doing it
with. The smile on his face spoke volumes. Debbie got things
moving by suggesting we play a "friendly" game of strip poker.
The game started, and before long Dan and I were practically naked
while Debbie had lost only her blouse and bra. But after a few
more hands, Debbie was down to one shoe and one sock while Dan and
I were stark naked. Debbie has a terrific body which explains why
Dan and I were sporting hard-ons. Dan and I sat there eagerly
anticipating what Debbie would ask us to do. She told us to stand
up, put our hands behind our heads and face each other. I'd never
had a hard-on in front of another man before, so this was a new
experience for me. Then Debbie had us walk forward until our
cocks touched, and she told us to make sure they remained
touching. Feeling my cock pressed against Dan's was turning me on
more than I would have ever imagined. So when Debbie came over
to us, dropped to her knees and began sucking our cocks in turn, I
almost lost it right there. There is nothing like seeing your
friend's cock in your wife's mouth, especially when she gives a
blowjob as voraciously as Debbie does. She slurped on Dan's cock
like there was no tomorrow, taking him deep into her mouth and
then sliding him out, swirling her tongue all around his thick
shaft. Then she repeated this action on me until I was begging
her to let me come. But that was when Debbie said it was time for
the main event. She ordered Dan to lie down on the couch, then
she straddled him and began to lower herself onto his fleshy pole.
When she was fully impaled on him, she began to post slowly up and
down, groaning with pleasure all the while. Dan had his hands on
Debbie's ass and was pulling her down hard on each downstroke,
trying to bury himself deeper inside her. It was time for me to
get in on the action, so I greased up my cock with lubricant, then
moved in behind my wife and smeared some KY jelly all over her
asshole. When Debbie felt my fingers back there she began to
whimper with need, begging me to shove my cock into her rear
passage. I straddled Dan's legs and moved in behind Debbie,
lining my cock up with her beckoning rosebud. As she leaned
forward to accommodate me, the head of my cock easily popped into
her curvy ass. Debbie grunted with the new sensation, and I let
her get used to it for a moment before sliding my cock the rest of
the way inside her. The feeling was absolutely incredible. I
could feel Dan's cock thrusting in and out of my wife, rubbing
against my own cock through the thin membrane separating her pussy
from her rectum. In no time, my wife was grunting and groaning
like a wild woman. I slipped my hand between her and Dan and put
a finger on her clitoris, rubbing it quickly in tiny circles.
This pushed her over the edge, and she had what appeared to be one
of the most intense orgasms of her life. I held still, savoring
the feel of the muscles of her asshole contracting around my
ensconced cock. This sent me spiraling into an incredible climax,
and I began to come, shooting my seed deep into my wife's ass.
Dan must have felt my pulsing cock, for seconds later he started
to come. I felt his cock jerking as he filled my wife's cunt with
a full load of hot semen. I pulled out of Debbie's ass and helped
her off Dan's turgid cock. I asked her how it had felt, and she
said that being plugged in both holes was absolutely amazing.
That's when Dan put his two cents in, offering his services again
anytime we desired. Debbie was all for it, though she also said
that she might like our next threesome to be with a woman. I sure
wish I were a better card player but I'm confident that Debbie,
with her vivid imagination, will make things quite interesting for
all parties.

I, I, I, I.... (1)

Geekboy(Wizard) (87906) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862111)

I used to sit by the window, and there were these squirrels, and they were married.

Re:I, I, I, I.... (1)

TheWickedKingJeremy (578077) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862130)

I used to sit by the window, and there were these squirrels, and they were married.

Im going to go out on a limb here - I think he said the squirrels were "merry" ... "merry" ... you know, with an "erry"

Re:I, I, I, I.... (2)

acoustix (123925) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862253)

you would be very correct!

You leave me no choice (5, Funny)

wcspxyx (120207) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862112)

I'll just post a link on /. and burn down your web server....

Re:You leave me no choice (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862205)

Man, just look at her. That's my sister in law, Carol. Does she know that I have wanted to suck her tits and slip my cock between her lips for all these years? Sometimes I think she knows; she is, of course, far too straight-laced to let it show, or EVER act upon any feelings (which are probably just in my head anyway). Does she know? Carol is about 45, about 13 years older than I am, but I have wanted to fuck her ever since I first saw her about 15 years ago. Sometimes, if I am at home alone when she happens to call looking for her sister, I will jerk off while I am talking to her! Can she hear my heaving breath when I cum? I have fantasies about going to her house, when her pathetic husband Jim is gone, (The stupid prick! Why does he deserve a woman like that?!) to drive her to a school function.

Did I mention that Carol is a teacher? Yeah, physical education...she is in stunning shape. Anyway, when I reach her house the door is open and a note tells me that she will be ready as quickly as possible. As I enter the house I realize that her husband and kids are gone and she is in her bedroom, dressing. Did she know I would be alone? I can't help myself, as I creep down the hallway toward her bedroom, I can see her shadow on the wall and the outline of her breasts tells me that she isn't very far along in getting dressed. I summon all the courage I have and peek around the door frame and into her bedroom. She is facing away from the door, completely naked! She is just beginning to put on her sheer black hose...they only come up to her thigh...God! I love that! Soon, she has both her luscious legs half covered in the silky black nylons, but she continues to look at the opposite side of the room. Did she know I was there? Then, suddenly... "Are you just going to stare at my ass, or are you going to get over here and fuck it?" YES!!

I practically ran across the room to her and wrapped my arms around her waist, but it was fleeting contact; she turned to face me quickly and slide down to sit on the edge of her bed, her legs spread wide as she pulled me toward her and began unzipping my pants. I couldn't wait for her to get to my cock, so I grabbed by pants and jerked them down past my hips so quickly that my cock bounced against her face and swayed in front of her wet, soft lips. She didn't waste any time sucking my rod deep into her throat and I almost came on the spot! I could not believe that Carol was sucking my cock! There was no teasing... just hard head bobbing and I wasn't going to last long! She popped my cock out of her mouth and said, "Jim..." (suck, suck) "will be..." (suck, suck, suck)..."right back!" Then, she sped up the assault on my cock and I had every intention of blowing my load deep in her throat and on her face, before her husband came back!

Then, she stopped sucking my cock as quickly as she had begun, turned away from me, onto the bed and pushed her ass up toward me. "Fuck my ass, now!" she hissed. How could I say no?? I slid my pants the rest of the way off and climbed up onto the bed and toward that puckered piece of heaven I knew was waiting for me. I could see that her ass was already smeared with lubricant. She knew this was going to happen! "Be gentle..." she whispered, "I have never done this." Wow! I was going to pop a virgin ass that just happened to belong to Carol, who I have been drooling over for years! My cock was touching her asshole, but I hadn't started applying any pressure (Carol was tense and I didn't want to hurt her) when, we suddenly heard her husband's truck coming into the driveway. Damn! I had to get out of her bedroom, quick! But, before I could back down off her bed, Carol slammed back against me and my cock slipped completely into her dark, hot tunnel! Carol screamed as my balls slammed against her pussy and my cock buried to the hilt in her ass. "Fuck it! Fuck my ass! Fuck my ass!" I rammed my cock into her ass, over and over until the tight dark hole won and I shot a hot load of cum deep into her bowels! Carol squeezed her ass hard to prevent my cock from sliding out, and grabbed my pants to keep me from backing away from her,but I had to get out of her bedroom quick! I ran back down the hallway, zipping my pants as I went, trying to get to the family room before Jim did, but as I passed a window that looks toward the family garage, I saw Jim in the garage. Did Carol know he wouldn't come right into the house?

I believe (-1, Flamebait)

RTFA Man (578488) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862116)

I just fucked your stepsister.

That little whore knows how to suck a cock, Michael.

Re:I believe (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862212)

You have to be careful in those situations RTFA Man. I sincerely hope you didnt just bludgeon the so called stepsister in the side of the face with a blunt object, and then start fucking the limp corpse. The problem with doing that is that sometimes (fairly often I'm told) michael prances around his house dressed head to toe in girls clothing. You might have unintentionally ass-aulted micheal by mistake. I hope you checked for two tits and a cunt before any penetration occured. The fact that you said 'That little whore knows how to suck a cock' implies that they were concious for at least a bit of the encounter. Fingers crossed you didnt get sucked off by michael.

Unless of course, thats what you wanted (not implying anything of course). To each their own. [goatse.cx] See?

Ahhh Office Space (5, Funny)

Paul E. Loeb (547337) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862117)

I believe my favorite line would have to be:

PC Load Letter! What the fuck does that mean!!

Sad thing is, (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862217)

I believe on HP Laserjet 4 printers, if the paper gets jammed, PC LOAD LETTER comes up on the display.
I of course, responded accordingly.

Now if I could get my damn neighbor to quit yelling through the walls...

Re:Sad thing is, (1)

mabinogi (74033) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862250)

It doesn't mean it got jammed, it means that it needs more paper or that particular size.

Though for us here in Australia...it means you forgot to set the paper size to A4....

Re:Ahhh Office Space (2, Offtopic)

Hollinger (16202) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862218)

The sad part is I know what this means. HP printers do that if you picked the wrong size paper when you printed, e.g. A4 when all the printer has is 8.5x11.

I put. . . (1, Funny)

bplipschitz (265300) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862118)

strychnine in the guacamole.

--bpl

I Believe You Have My Dildo (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862122)

I believe you have my big red buzzing dildo. I left it at your place last night. Return it immediately, or you will be PUNISHED.

michael, you no talent ass-clown... (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862124)

...post a fucking article about Gene Kan, for Christ's sake!

The man is dead by a gunshot wound, Jack Valenti and Hilary Rosen were seen leaving the scene in a hurry, and you posting shit about stupid fucking red staplers?

And you want us to PAY for this?

Who....... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862163)

cares?

I am staying up late tonight (-1)

cmdr_shithead (527909) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862125)

to tell the world that I like poop

Re:I am staying up late tonight (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862225)

Indeed.

If you never saw the movie... (5, Funny)

Bogatyr (69476) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862128)

follow the IMDB link to learn about Office Space [imdb.com] .

PETER GIBBONS
'So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's me on the worst day of my life..'.

Re:If you never saw the movie... (1)

scott1853 (194884) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862168)

Wow, that's really messed up.

Re:If you never saw the movie... (2)

laserjet (170008) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862221)

uh.. i'm sorry. continue please.

Re:If you never saw the movie... (-1)

Horny Smurf (590916) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862241)

In Western North Carolina, the Autumn sets in with rapid change. The leaves begin to redden and the wind becomes cold. It was during the Autumn of my
22nd year I first had actual intercourse, and my first anal intercourse.

I'd moved to NC from the west only a year before I met her. She was a tall dark-haired college student with a typical Southern twang. She wasn't
beautiful, but she was pretty and I fell in love with her after studying Chemistry with her.

By that Autumn we'd been dating for a while and had progressed only somewhat to mutual masterbation. I'd not had actual intercourse and she seemed
anxious to be my first. (I was obviously more than willing.)

I came to her place after work one day, she lived fairly far out in the country and the drive was long. I figured we'd study some and maybe mess
around, but had no clue what was in store for me that day.

I was happy to see that her parents weren't home, her father worked in a furniture factory and her mother was a cook at a local school. Her siblings
were also not home, her sister still in High School and her brother a deadbeat.

We began making out as soon as I got there. I'd hardly kicked off my shoes when she said, "I've got something special for you!" I just smiled.

She quickly went into her room and shut the door. I waited, but not so patiently.

When she opened the door I beheld quite an erotic sight. My girlfriend had changed into a white camisole and NOTHING else. She grabbed me by the hand and took me into the attic.

The attic was quite spacious, a window let in plenty of light, her family had recently cleaned it so it was pretty nice. She took a blanket and lay it on the floor. I took control quickly and began kissing her breasts and sucking her nipples.

I slowly made my way down to her pussy and licked it up. I enjoy cunnilingus and took my time making her squirm.

Suddenly she stopped me. She seemed to be pondering something. I wasn't sure what...

"Um..." she said, "have you ever though about anal sex?"

Stunned, I just hemmed and hawed. I wasn't sure what to say.

"Want to try it?" She said quietly.

"Um... sure!" I was more than enthusiastic.

"Ok, but you're gonna have to get me really wet and make sure it's loose." She warned.

She rolled over onto all fours and I began again to lick and suck her pussy. She always got quite wet so I began to move some of the juices up to her
anus. After about 5 minutes of dousing her nether-hole with pussy juice and saliva, I began pushing fingers into her ass.

She seemed really into it. I'd already stripped nude by this time and she was playing with my cock. I used some of the precum to further lubricate her
ass.

Once I had three fingers in her butt, she told me she thought she was ready. The white camisole had slid up around her neck and she had her ass in the
air.

I mounted her, my heart pounding, (my dick too.) I pushed my penis into her ass really slowly, not sure what would happen. The head popped slowly pass
the muscle ring and I was in.

She let out a gasp of pain/pleasure. I asked if I was hurting her and she said "no... but go real slow."

I agreed and spent quite a while slowly burying my cock in her ass and then pulling out. After a few minutes I couldn't stand it any more and began to
pick up the pace.

She lowered herself to the floor, apparently under too much strain to hold herself up. I continued thrusting. I couldn't believe my first intercourse
was anal!

I fucked her ass for several moments, she'd gotten her legs back and was up on her knees again, fingering her clit. The feeling was incredible and it wasn't too long before I couldn't contain my pleasure.

I told her I was going to cum and she told me to do it in her ass, so it wouldn't make a mess. I blew my load in her and lay atop her. She came
quickly after and we both layed down together, there in the attic.

Only a few moments passed when we heard the sound of a car engine.

"Shit!" She said. Jumping up. She wrapped the camisole around her to keep in my cum and looked out the window. "My fucking brother is here!" She hissed.

We both ran down stairs, she ran to her room and I to the bathroom just as her brother came in. They talked a while through the door as I washed off my
cock and got dressed. They said a few words and he went up... to the attic.

Luckly he didn't suspect anything and we got away with it. She didn't realize that she'd made a monster out of me though, and I begged her for
anal sex all the time after that. My first vaginal intercourse happened just a month later, in an freezing cold old house on her property, but that's
another (and a funny, "do you smoke after sex? YES!") story.

We dated for about three years before our differences really tugged. I met someone else and we broke up badly. I moved back our west and spoke to her once later, she's married to a typical redneck jerk and seeing ~other women~ on the side.

During our relationship we had anal sex on rare occasions, it was clear that it was something she didn't -like-, but that she'd give me if I got her
really horny.

I dated other women, but only had anal once with any of them. Its not something I crave, like I did then. There was something about the taboo-ness
of the whole thing that was a big turn-on.

I'm married now, and haven't discussed it with my wife. She made it clear once that it was something too weird for her, and she's a knockout anyway.

All around the country... (5, Funny)

GriffX (130554) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862134)

Office managers are putting on their O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!

Re:All around the country... (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862234)

Office managers are putting on their O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!

These comments and opinions are mine and mine alone, although they shouldn't be.

They are also smearing semen on their faces too. But you'd know about that already, wouldn't you.

Also, why shouldn't the comments and opinions not be yours, and your alone? Are you part of some giant brain collective? Sounds very communist to me. If you used linux i'd understand, but it sounds like that post came from a windows XP box.

The Troll Polka: UPDATED by poopbot (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862136)

THE TROLL POLKA (ARSCHFICKEN MIT ZIEGEN)
By Serial Troller, 2002-06-25

Is das nicht ein early post? Ja! Das ist mein early post!
Is das nicht ein Goatse ghost? Ja! Das ist mein Goatse ghost!
Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das post at minus one? Ja! Das ist at minus one!
Is das trolling so much fun? Ja! Das trolling is so fun!
Minus one, trolling fun, Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das nicht ein big crapflood? Ja! Das ist mein big crapflood!
Is it worthless Linux FUD? Ja! Das ist mein Linux FUD!
Big crapflood, Linux FUD, Minus one, trolling fun, Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das nicht der CowBoiKneel? Ja! Das ist der CowBoiKneel!
Is dis nicht his manchode meal? Ja! Das ist his manchode meal!
CowBoiKneel, manchode meal, Big crapflood, Linux FUD,
Minus one, trolling fun, Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das nicht ein WIPO Troll? Ja! Das ist der WIPO Troll!
Is das nicht ein Goatse hole? Ja! Das ist der Goatse hole!
WIPO Troll, Goatse hole, CowBoiKneel, manchode meal,
Big crapflood, Linux FUD, Minus one, trolling fun, Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das nicht Jon Katz' slave boys? Ja! Das ist Jon Katz' slave boys!
Und are they not Taco's sex toys? Ja! They are Taco's sex toys!
Katz' slave boys, Rob's sex toys, WIPO Troll, Goatse hole,
CowBoiKneel, manchode meal, Big crapflood, Linux FUD,
Minus one, trolling fun, Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Slashdot sucks!

Is das nicht ein trolltalk thread? Ja! Das ist ein trolltalk thread!
Is it nicht now FUCKING DEAD? Ja! Is really FUCKING DEAD!
Trolltalk thread, FUCKING DEAD! Katz' slave boys, Rob's sex toys,
WIPO Troll, Goatse hole, CowBoiKneel, manchode meal,
Big crapflood, Linux FUD, Minus one, trolling fun,
Early post, Goatse ghost,
Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene, Oh, du schoene,
Slashdot sucks!

____________________

Change Log:

* Subtle changes to most verses. It sounded really gay before.
* Removed all references to Taco's pud. May have been high at time. Will investigate further.
* Finally think I have goat sex written correctly in German. I think. Arschficken?

(C) 2002 Serial Troller. Permission to reproduce this document is granted provided that you send all the bukkake porn you can find to serialtroller@hotmail.com.

- poopbot: because we're all crapflooders at heart

Red stapler (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862138)

Imagine a beowulf cluster of these!

(This post is certified by me, Anonymous Coward, and is guaranteed to be a 100% authentic beowulf troll post. The reader is hereby advised that imaginization of a beowulf cluster, in whole or in part, or in any combination, of the items in the story to which this post pertains, is fully sanctioned and endorsed by me, Anonymous Coward.)

Office Space creates Anarchy (5, Funny)

stewartj (525869) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862142)

I work at motorola. Motorola is undoubtedly a huge source of inspiration for things like Office Space, and *especially* Dilbert. During out "Employee Well-Being" week they showed Office Space in one of the break rooms. It created anarchy when people saw the reality of their office lives!

Re:Office Space creates Anarchy (4, Funny)

Peyna (14792) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862154)

You would be surprised how much the movie Office Space applies to non cubical jobs as well. While working a factory I experienced many similar things to the movie. Such as, if I messed up, I had 5 people telling me about it and reminding me about it. And there was a lady one line over that would talk on her phone and had the most annoying laugh in the world (and this was a pretty loud factory too!). There's more than that, but it was pretty amazing how it paralleled to even a factor job.

Re:Office Space creates Anarchy (5, Funny)

scott1853 (194884) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862181)

I worked at a Xerox factory after high school. I only had one boss tell me I wasn't doing something right. The next day though, there were posters ALL over the clean room with clipart people showing the right and wrong ways of doing it. Talk about overkill.

I hate to tilt at windmills, but (0, Flamebait)

Simon Garlick (104721) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862143)

Come on guys, there was about fifteen, twenty minutes TOPS, of "geek cult movie". The rest of Office Space was just more of the same regurgitated Hollywood "boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy regains girl" schlock.

*watches karma evaporate*

Re:I hate to tilt at windmills, but (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862162)

*watches karma evaporate*

I hope no one bothers.

Re:I hate to tilt at windmills, but (2)

scott1853 (194884) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862201)

When you only see maybe 2 minutes of such content per month watching regular TV & movies, you take what you can get. Personally I'd rather watch Office Space for the 10th time than watch Anti-Trust for the 2nd.

Re:I hate to tilt at windmills, but (4, Funny)

Peyna (14792) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862213)

Seemed the other way around to me. 15 minutes of that boy meets girl crap, except it was better, because his pickup line was "do you like kung fu?".

Re:I hate to tilt at windmills, but (2)

laserjet (170008) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862247)

You may be right, bu do you know of a better, more humorous movie that is similar to office space? I thought it was well done, although I could have used more geek cubical stuff in the movie.

although i accept the fact that the movie was not written for me.

FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (0, Insightful)

RTFA Man (578488) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862144)

What the fuck is this?? A goddamn story about a red fucking stapler?

Gene Kan is dead. Got it? Dead. From a probable self-inflicted, but we're not sure, but we'll probably call it that, even though his employer says otherwise, and his family for some odd fucking reason doesn't want any details released, gunshot wound. A guy who has just about everything a young cali bro could want, a fancy car collection, respect from his peers, a PAYING job (sorry slashdork crew), you name it. Dead.

Oh, but the red stapler story is boss.

Re:FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (0, Offtopic)

acasto (591344) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862167)

Exactly, it seems something is going on here! What's the deal?

Re:FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (-1, Offtopic)

Prop (4645) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862185)

What the fuck is this?? A goddamn story about a red fucking stapler?

Gene Kan is dead. Got it? Dead. From a probable self-inflicted, but we're not sure, but we'll probably call it that, even though his employer says otherwise, and his family for some odd fucking reason doesn't want any details released, gunshot wound. A guy who has just about everything a young cali bro could want, a fancy car collection, respect from his peers, a PAYING job (sorry slashdork crew), you name it. Dead.

Oh, but the red stapler story is boss.

They actually REJECTED my story submission this morning.

New low for Slashdot... if you can believe that!

Re:FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (0, Offtopic)

mansa (94579) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862223)

Yeah,

I sumbitted this story as well, linked from C-net, which has a good write up of Gene's contributions. I though they would've posted somehting.

Re:FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (0, Offtopic)

/dev/trash (182850) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862242)

People die everyday. Those that commit suicide really shouldn't be held up as heroes.

Re:FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS (-1, Troll)

RTFA Man (578488) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862259)

And how are you certain it was suicide? Your id doesn't list you as a SF coroner or detective. Nice of you to right Gene off this quickly.

Cultural Icon (5, Interesting)

HBergeron (71031) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862149)

being an afficionado of dark comedy, I have long been a fan of Office Space. I may be one of five buyers of the (poorly produced) DVD. The performances, particularly Ron Livingstone (hugely underrated actor) and Diedrich Bader (almost unrecognizable) make it a real gem.

On the subject of red staplers, why has the post WWII workplace insisted on mono-color conformity? It seems almost a conspiracy to ensure that office workers be isolated from as much visual stimulation as possible. Is it so important that the occasional visitor/client not see a single clash of colors that offends their sensibility? It would not revolutionize the drudgery of the workplace, but more allowances for individuality and color can't help but improve the condiditon of those who must exist in that environment from day to day.

The whole "flair" concept at the Houlihans type restaurant carries the same theme. Even where modern business allows disorder, it cannot be individually expressive disorder, it must be carefully regimented and designed to communicate the corporate message, not a personal one.

The dot com bust has given added credence to those who actually advocate this kind of enforced conformity - they point to a free form, more open dot com workplaces as a symptom or cause of the crash, and are using it to crush any new proposal to create a more humanized, comfortable workplace. Just my two cents. Great movie if you haven't seen it.

Re:Cultural Icon (2, Insightful)

GriffX (130554) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862244)

The performances, particularly Ron Livingstone (hugely underrated actor)...

No kidding. He was fantastic in "Band of Brothers" [imdb.com] [IMDB link] as Cpt. Lew Nixon. For anyone who may have seen the show, he was the hard-drinking pal of Major Winters, the noble and heroic leader of the company.

It was a great mini-series - hell, it was a great film - and Livingston was equally great in a second-banana role. He could easily have played it as the 'drunk heroe's buddy', but instead filled the role with humanity. He made a character who had comparatively little screen-time seem like a real person. I hope the real Lewis Nixon is toasting him with a tumbler of Vat 69, wherever he is.

Our DBA talks like Milton (1)

oingoboingo (179159) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862150)

Slightly offtopic, but our Indian DB2 administrator speaks with an accept which has an uncanny resemblance to the mumbling, rambling style of Milton (ie: the Swingline stapler guy). I have visited his desk many times, but have never noticed a red Swingline stapler anywhere. This new product may give him all he needs to complete his full transition to Milton (except that he's Indian, doesn't wear glasses, and doesn't have any facial hair).

Re:Our DBA talks like Milton (1)

oingoboingo (179159) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862174)

Bah, I meant 'accent', not 'accept'. Now I'm just as bad as Milton.

**£££'s in eyes moment** (5, Funny)

The_Guv'na (180187) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862157)


...merely twice the price of a plain black stapler...

/me runs off to buy black staplers and red paint.

Whoop-dee-shit. (0, Funny)

Mulletproof (513805) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862165)

Yeah, and my new Martha Stewart Signature Mug has a big cult following too, but somehow i doubt such a worthy item will see the light of slashdot day.

Staplers, people. It's a frickin' story on a STAPLER. I don't care how interesting the design is or how much of a cult following it has. IT'S A STAPLER!!! Oh, that's right... It has wireless LAN access and a 30 Terabyte disk, right? Imagine a beowolf cluster of these!!!

Flame it, troll it, overrate it or mark it redundant, but damn, what a waste of news space.

Re:Whoop-dee-shit. (3, Insightful)

Arctech (538041) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862199)

You were looking for actual news?
Man, has someone ever lost his way...

News is for the weak. (1)

Mulletproof (513805) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862232)

News is such a relative term here. Something interesting would have sufficed, but I guess if we're digging the bottom of the barrel, overpriced staplers will do handily.

manual stapler?! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3862171)

who the hell uses manual staplers? it's 2003 almost morons

How to listen to the stories that cats tell us (-1)

TrollBurger (575126) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862173)

How to listen to the stories that cats tell us

(idea) by mutant (2 mon) (print)
?
6 C!s
Fri Oct 06 2000 at 20:27:43



THE CALICO CAT

Sam adopted me in 1988 or so. At the time she was living in the lot behind the building that I lived in, and I started feeding her.

At the time she was pretty messed up, apparently having been living on the street for an entire New York winter before I met her. After I saw how totally fucked the animal was I snatched her with the idea of first taking her to a vet, and then finding her a home. For some reason I just didn't see myself keeping her.

But it didn't work out that way, and we were together over ten years later. I'm a loner by nature; I really don't like to hang out with lots of people, preferring to write stories, make art, sling code and play my fucking CDs LOUD!

So the cat and I spent a lot of time together, and it was during that time I learned Sam's story. Of course since she could only speak to me by purring, scratching, pissing, biting, meowing, kneading and playing, I had to piece her story together and that took time.

But it soon became very clear to me.

At one time she'd an owner; that's why she didn't resist when I first put a flea collar on her. The owner had been abusive; that's why when I first got her if you moved too fast to pick her up she'd flinch as if you were going to strike her. More evidence of abuse was the permanent limp this young animal had in her right rear leg. It was clear to me her last owner had been a real class act.

And she'd probably just had enough shit from her last owner to get the hell out as soon as she got the chance; I soon learned that this was one stubborn animal, and I easily could see her doing something like that.

She'd been poorly fed while she lived with this idiot; that's why she always wolfed down any and all food put in front of her. Given enough food, she'd eat until she puked and then would eat more. This was a habit she didn't lose until many years later.

Her previous owner didn't care enough for her (and for cats in general, for that matter) to get her fixed. When she adopted me she was very pregnant, and in fact had three healthy kittens a couple of months later.

Sam was great company, I taught her lots of tricks, and her and I got along real well. In fact if it wasn't for my job, her and I would probably still be together.

I work for a German Investment Bank, and began spending a lot of time in London starting in 1996. At first I'd be over for the odd week - no big deal.

But as time went on I got more and more wrapped up in a project over here, and that culminated with the summer of 1997 when I made 27 round trips between New York and London in about five months.

All that transatlantic travel might sound exotic, but when it's a weekly thing it sucks. Big time.

I was always jetlagged, I would wake up at night not knowing where I was, my girlfriend was more than a little put off by my absence, and worst of all Sam would spend a lot of time ignoring me when I was in New York.

The cat - my companion of almost ten years - would sit with her back to me, refusing to acknowledge my existence when I first returned home from a trip. She wanted me to apologise. She didn't like being alone. She was unhappy. And I didn't like that.

I told my boss I'd had enough, and that I wanted to be reassigned to New York based project. He countered with "Well I need someone in London and you're already there - how about this ex-pat offer to relocate?" The wily bastard already had the contract written up.

I looked over the offer, and thinking I was being slick ("I'd make myself too expensive!") bumped the numbers up a fair amount. He took a quick look and said "Ok". Now I had a problem.

I knew enough about the firm and Investment Banking in general to realise that I was in an awkward position. It was either move to London or find another job.

I had three immediate concerns, and in this order; my cat, my girlfriend and my flat.

I could tell the girlfriend and she already knew this was a possibility, and the flat presented no problem at all as the landlady hated my guts anyway. But Sam was a big problem.

There was absolutely no way I was going to be able to tell her, to make her understand. The poor animal already had a rough life before I'd met her, and now she was going to lose her home and companion. So I did the best thing I could for her - I set out to find her the best possible home.

Now as it turns out my girlfriend knew a guy who had relocated from Wisconsin about six months earlier. Growing up on a dairy farm he was accustomed to having cats around, and it just so happened that he was in the market for a pet.

I met with him briefly and Sam interviewed him at length (sniff, sniff, rub, rub). He made his mind up on the spot and I agreed to let him take her when I left New York in early January 1998, roughly eight weeks away.

Perfect! That was a load off my mind!

THE WHITE CAT

About five weeks later I was preparing to leave the United States. The bank gave me time off to take care of personal business, so I spent my days carefully packing stuff away and preparing shipping manifests. My evenings were spent at a family owned restaurant I that I'd frequented over years.

I'd lived on the Lower East Side for about twelve years. I'd owned two art galleries, published a few underground magazines (Hype) and just hung out; I knew lots of folks there. One of my favourite places to eat and drink was a little restaurant owned by a Dominican family on the corner of Ludlow and Stanton, El Sombrero.

I knew the entire extended family and they were wonderful people; they encouraged and corrected my broken Spanish and I'd watched their kids grow up. They called me "Seis seis seis" after the 666 on the front of my cap, and I generally felt at home there.

I spent a lot of time there my last few weeks in New York, drinking margaritas and saying goodbye to friends.

The latter part of December that year was really frigid. I grew up in rural Western New York state, and have a high tolerance for the cold but it was even getting to me. I was even wearing gloves, and that's something I almost never did while living in Manhattan.

One evening I'd been at Sombrero until late and was coming home. It was probably 20F out, with a brisk wind so I was in a hurry to get back to my flat and my cat. We didn't have too many more nights together.

I was passing a parking lot when I saw a flash of white moving against the chicken wire fence. "What the hell was thought?" I thought. I stopped to take a closer look, and didn't see anything so I moved on. I saw it again.

"That can't be a cat?!??" I thought to myself. But it was.

He was a really tiny little white kitten, maybe six months old and he rushed up against the fence and stood up on his hind legs looking right at me

"Wheeeew" he squealed, a very un cat-like sound. "wheewwwww" he was almost yowling. Its hard to describe, but it was a very unsettling sound.

"Hey kitty" I greeted him, approaching the fence. I poked my gloved fingertip through the chicken wire, and he rubbed his cheek against it.

"Wheew" His yellow eyes looked at me intently. "Shit!" I remember thinking to myself. I looked around but all I saw was a parking lot full of folks hurrying to and from cars. It was fucking cold.

All of a sudden he rushed away from me to some other people who stopped to pet him. "I think he's a stray" I shouted over to them.

They stood up and hurried off. The kitty ran back to me and rubbed his face against my finger again. Then he was off to some other folks.

"Get the fuck away cat!" one shouted, as the little kitty stood up on his hind legs, patting desperately at their calf's. One kicked at him roughly, and laughing, they were on their way.

He rushed back to me. This entire situation sucked. I was freezing my ass off, I was leaving the United States permanently in less than three weeks time and I had a cat at home. Fuck! But I knew what had to be done.

Removing my gloves, I took a Leatherman pocket tool from its sheath, and using the pliers I slowly created a small hole through the chicken wire. The little white kitty watched intently, and when I was finished slipped right out without prompting. He instantly began patting my legs as I knelt at the fence. Opening my jacket, I slipped the cat inside, zipped it up and stood up.

He settled back against my chest and I headed home. As I crossed the streets I swear could feel the little guy shaking; as cold as I'd been I guess with his smaller mass he felt it even more.

I got home and all hell broke loose!

I believe that I forgot to mention that Sam, perhaps because of her background as a stray, was insanely jealous of other cats. I deposited the little guy in my bathroom and closed the door. It was pretty small - just a toilet, a heater and a shower, but it would be enough room for him. All this time Sam stayed about ten feet away from the bathroom door, hissing and loudly yowling constantly.

I hoped she would get tired of it soon because it was not pleasant to listen to.

I grabbed some old t-shirts and filled a bowl with water. I went back in the bathroom and dropped the shirts under the heater, making a crude bed for him. I put the water bowl in the shower, and came out to get him some grub.

The household rule for Sam was "dry food all the time, canned food as a treat once a week", and I didn't see any reason to treat him better. So I made him a large bowl of dry food, maybe as much as Sam would eat in one day.

I took food into the bathroom, and by that time he'd finished the water!

He probably smelled what was in the bowl because he began pawing at my calves. I put the food down and he started crunching away. I gave him another bowl of water, brought in a shoe box filled with kitty litter, and sat on the john as I watched him eat and drink.

About five minutes later he came up to me, and pawed at my calves. "What's your story?" I asked him softly as we looked into each others eyes.

He was a beautiful animal, mostly white with a pink little nose and bright yellow eyes. He had a patch of black fur on his chest that caught your attention, but it was those eyes that really captured you.

He would look intently at you, all the time making his high pitched "Wheewww", although over time he relaxed and emitted more cat like noises.

I telephoned my girlfriend, who lived three blocks away. She came over and was simply stunned by this guys beauty. We both resolved to either find this guys owner, or a home for him as soon as possible.

Over the days that followed, in between packing, changing mail addresses, closing bank accounts, on and on and on with the petty bullshit details involved in rebooting an adult American life in Europe I took care of my number one priority: the Little White Cat.

Even though I walked carefully through the neighbourhood, I never saw a missing cat sign for this animal. And since my own time was running out, I immediately changed goals and started trying to find a home for the little guy.

But that wasn't easy.

Bid-A-Wee, Being Kind and all the other humane organisations that my girlfriend and I could think of were full, and couldn't take in another animal. My girlfriend already had two cats, and they were far more territorial than Sam; she couldn't give him a home, even for a short time.

This was beginning to be a problem.

And worse, even though Sam hated my guts now, the Little White Cat was rapidly bonding with me.

He followed me around my flat, and was generally in my way all of the time.

He'd found an old pair of my socks and refused to give them up, carrying them around the flat in his mouth. Even though I took the socks away from him twice, each time he found them again. I finally just gave up and let him keep them.

He slept with me, almost on my head, and if I rose in the middle of the night to use the bathroom would accompany me back and forth. He was quite a nice animal.

Every evening while I wrote he would climb into my lap and demand to be petted. He'd fix those yellow eyes on mine and while he purred I'd ask him "What's your story?".

And being a cat he answered me the only way he could.

This little kitty was bold and brash and really adventurous. He wasn't afraid of anything, and Sam quickly learned not to mess with him. Even though she was three times his size, the first time she swung at him was the last. He jumped right at her, yowling and hissing and she fled in about two seconds.

Poor Sam! I really felt sorry for her but it was an impressive display from the little guy, I laughed out loud!

And one day I left the flat door open too long. Now Sam would NEVER go outside; being a stray, she had a horrendous fear of not being in her space. In fact when people didn't believe me about this, I'd take Sam out in the hallway and set her down. She ALWAYS beat me back to the flat, her nails desperately scratching against the floor as she ran.

But the Little White Cat was different. I left the door open too long once while I swept the flat and quick as a flash he was gone! Out in the hallway. Down the stairs. Moving like a little white blur. Faster and faster.

I couldn't believe how quickly he moved, and it was difficult for me to sprint down the stairs fast enough to catch him. Him and I were both lucky that nobody had come through the street doors into the building, else he probably would have fled outside.

It was then that I knew : he hadn't been mistreated, but he'd unwisely escaped. Unlike Sam, this guy probably had a good owner, someone who cared for him but he'd gotten out somehow. This was his story; as far as I could see, there was no other explanation.

In any case, I was down to about one week left in the US. Time was running out. I had one last hope, Roger, an Arab guy who ran a string of businesses on first avenue, including a Deli (Rogers Gardens) and a Pet Store (Animal Crackers).

I explained the situation to Roger, and he readily agreed to help me find the little guy a home. I returned home and without much trouble got the little guy in my cat carrier. He was alright until I hit the streets and then he started to yowl.

I can't tell you how bad I felt. I sensed that somehow he knew I was removing him from the home he'd made. This sucked.

I took him to the pet store over on the east side corner of first avenue and second street, and we put him in a back room. The little guy desperately tried to follow me when we shut the door, and I heard him wailing. This fucking sucked.

I went back to the front of the shop with Roger, and slowly started picking up cat food and other stuff. I'd promised Sam's new owner a bunch of supplies, and was preparing a package for him. She was leaving me tomorrow.

Roger rang up my order and this older rocker I'd seen around the neighbourhood came in.

"Michael, how are you?" Roger greeted him. The exchanged pleasantries, and as I packed my bag Roger started his pitch.

"You still looking for cat?" Roger asked.

"No, I was thinking about it but I've got the dogs. I'm ok now"

"Nice cat! Beautiful cat! At least you should look!"

"I don't know Roger..." Michael trailed off uncertainly.

"Come! Come!" Roger closed the cash register.

"See `ya Roger" I departed feeling much better. I knew Roger really well.

He had come to New York from Palestine in 1980, almost broke. Eighteen years later he owned several businesses on First Avenue, and three apartment buildings in Brooklyn. I had no doubt that this old boy could sell when he wanted to.

I never saw the Little White Cat again, and although he comes to me in my dreams, I don't worry about him either. I know he'll be ok.

THE TORTISE SHELL CAT

Fast forward almost three years to October 2000, and I'm living in Camden Town, London. I don't own a cat because I've been really busy with work, and I've also been attending University over here, taking a Masters degree in Quanitative Finance.

But I haven't missed owning a cat because it seems lots of folks let their animals roam outside here. And I make it a point to know something about all of them.

For example, there is the Big Black Tom across the road. I see him every morning when I leave for work. An elderly woman lets him out at about 6:30AM, and he climbs up onto the garage roof. A cat can get some sun and rest way up there.

And there is his buddy, an even larger Orange Tom. I'm not sure who owns him, but I see him and the black cat hanging out when I come home from work. They're good friends and clean each other often.

Then there is the White Persian that lives around the corner from me.

She is next door neighbours with a Small Black Kitten, who wears a bright red collar and even has his own cat flap.

Something is going on with those two, since I've seen both of them using the flap. I think he invites her over for a meal. I certainly would if I were lucky enough to be a cat; she's a fine looking animal.

And finally there is the construction site down the road. I think they've run out of money, since they've been working on it as long as I've been here and haven't made much progress. It's a mess.

But about six weeks ago I was out seeing a show, doing a little slam dancing and its maybe one AM, a brilliant full mooned clear night here in London when I see a dark shape moving in the construction site.

I freeze, and I see the tell-tale JUMP of a cat hunting and going in for the kill. I was curious, but didn't want to interfer so I left quietly.

But even though its out of my way, I made it a point to go by every day from then on, and sure enough, there is a beautiful Tortoise Shell coloured cat living there.

I've seen him during the day, and he's definitely a stray. His fur is matted, he doesn't have a collar, and he's more than a little distrustful.

But we're making progress, and now he'll sit about ten feet away from the fence and take in the afternoon sun as I make PSST PSST PSST noises at him.

He relaxes enough to partially close his eyes in the sunlight. I take this as a compliment.

And no, I don't know his story yet.

But I'm going to find out.

Original url is http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=777740 [everything2.com] Props to the author. Cocks to lunix users.

Why not? (-1, Offtopic)

Mulletproof (513805) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862204)

I won't pretend I read all of that, but if they can post stories on the little red stapler that could, you are well within your rights to paste a rant on the various cats of the world... Offtopic, but who cares! /. Obviously doesn't.

Sheeesh (1)

Fear the Clam (230933) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862178)

The site was /.ed when if first came out in the WSJ and now it's /.ed again.

Haven't these poor people suffered enough?

what I want to know is (2, Offtopic)

Dr. Awktagon (233360) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862187)

How come /. still hasn't posted a single article about the passing of Gene Kan [wired.com] , but somehow a red stapler makes it to the front page???

????

those poor web developers... (1)

orion67 (591651) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862189)

Do you suppose that any IT folks at Swingline [swingline.com] ever discussed (maybe in some HA infrastructure meeting) that their site needed to be prepared for the Slashdot effect?

Sheesh, I can't even get their stinkin' site to load so I can order my red stapler....this item is a must-have for any self-respecting office drone.

co-winky-dink (1)

psxndc (105904) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862198)

I just showed Office Space after hours at work on Monday. Refreshments provided by our VP of Client Services.

"no salt, nooo salt"

psxndc

5W1NG71N3 IZ 4 5UXX0RZ!! (5, Funny)

Quarters (18322) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862200)

Bostich makes the l33t paper fastening devices.

"the magic of product placement" (2)

Edmund Blackadder (559735) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862202)

When we talk about this as a succesful example of product placement (as the wsj article does) we should keep in mind that swingline never actually bargained for their product to be placed in the movie in such a way.

Real product placement, ie the one bargained for by marketing execs continues to be really annoying.

That is because marketing people have specific requirements for placing their product which tend to make movies look like commercials.

All Your Staplers (1)

Snoopy77 (229731) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862206)

Milton: Excuse, yeah uh, I believe you have my stapler
Lumbergh: All your staplers are belong to me!

Office space MP3 (1)

Mandelbrot-5 (471417) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862210)

My first, and only attempt at computer made music

RS [mp3.com]

Swingline /.'ed (5, Funny)

idonotexist (450877) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862211)

Great, I can't log onto the server to read/view information concerning the red stapler. You know what this means? Swingline concludes it has discovered the killer stapler > Swingline restates their expectations for earnings > Analysts upgrade Swingline stock > Swingline stock doubles > Swingline earnings do not meet expectations > Analysts downgrade Swingline stock > Swingline stock tumbles > Multiple class action suits are filed against Swingline > Swingline auditor accused of fraud though it went "over and above the, just sort of the normal by-the-books audit arrangement" [cnn.com] ;) > Swingline enters bankruptcy > no more staplers.

google cache (1)

berck (60937) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862220)

Google cache for the cult page [216.239.39.100] though it doesn't really make much sense to me...

alliwantismyredstapler (2)

Emugamer (143719) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862228)

alliwantismyredstaplerwegavenanogaterabeowolfclust erofsgioriginandalliwantismyredstapler....

what I wonder... (1, Redundant)

laserjet (170008) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862230)

What I wonder is where did they get the red stapler in the movie? It was clearly a swingline. Did they paint it, and if so, they sure did a good job.

as a side note, I had a friend actually call swingling and ask them if he could get a red stapler. They said no. It looks like he was one of the many that did contact them, and they got their way!

Re:what I wonder... (2)

wadetemp (217315) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862248)

My family has had a red swingline stapler since the early 80s. It's not like they didn't *used* to make them. I'll sell you it, real cheap.

Obligatory Onion Reference (5, Funny)

tunabomber (259585) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862236)

I remember read an issue of the Onion, circa 1999, which had a news headline:

New Stapler Makes All Other Staplers Look Like Worthless Shit

There was no article, just a headline and a picture of a generic, black stapler.

save money and be more authentic... (4, Informative)

scaramush (472955) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862254)

According to IMDB [imdb.com] the original stapler was just painted anyways:

The red Swingline stapler that Milton was so afraid of having taken away was never actually manufactured by the Swingline company; it was instead painted red by a crew member in the props department. However, following the movie's success on video as a cult film, the demand for red Swingline staplers (apparently as a symbol of quiet rebellion among cubicle-bound employees) was so great that the company began to sell the red Swingline stapler on its website..

---

So break out that red paint and make your own... ;)

Why Milton and Dilbert succeed (5, Interesting)

teetam (584150) | more than 12 years ago | (#3862264)

What I say here might be controversial, but cultural background plays a big role in the office environment.

Ancient cultures (like China and India) tend to emphasize on hierarchy and obedience rather than questioning and innovation. When immigrant bachelor developers stay till midnight everyday and come to work on weekends, they set the same expectations on everyone else. Anyone who leaves at six because he has a life is viewed as being less of a team player. Also, important technical decisions might end up being taken outside the normal working hours.

Things only get worse when, after a few years, these same people become managers.

Some other symptoms are (i) dependence on individual brilliance rather than a good system and (ii) concentration of knowledge within a few individuals.

I am not blaming anyone and certainly not all immigrant developers fit the above pattern, but there is a cultural aspect to work and I am merely pointing it out.

BTW, I came from India three years ago.

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