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76 comments

Why Chuck Norris changed his mind (4, Funny)

xmas2003 (739875) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719689)

Per the article, he dropped his lawsuit because:
he has since changed his mind on Spector's musings - including one entry that claims: "Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men."

Does this type of flattery really work with THE Chuck Norris?

Re:Why Chuck Norris changed his mind (1)

jonaskoelker (922170) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719935)

Of course--it shows that he does not discriminate against any gender.

(RTFA first, laugh later)

Re:Why Chuck Norris changed his mind (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720157)

the matter was resolved out of court when chuck round house kicked the student and then proceeded to the publishing firm to "settle" out of court with them as well.

But why? (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720683)

Every country on Earth has made it illegal to mock Chuck Norris. Those that did not are no longer countries.

Re:Why Chuck Norris changed his mind (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23722981)

xmas2003 has come

Re:Why Chuck Norris changed his mind (1)

Jack9 (11421) | more than 6 years ago | (#23727083)

Chuck Norris only dropped the suit because he realized it was a biography.

Oh, great. (0, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23719791)

Cue yet another round of stupid Chuck Norris jokes.

Re:Oh, great. (5, Funny)

corsec67 (627446) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719835)

Chuck Norris's kick is so strong it can strip the CSS from a page.

Re:Oh, great. (4, Funny)

jeiler (1106393) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719909)

Can even Chuck Norris kick the trolls out of /.?

Re:Oh, great. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23721685)

Alas, I do not think even His great roundhouse kicking prowess can save us now.

Re:Oh, great. (1)

billstewart (78916) | more than 6 years ago | (#23729553)

Yes, Chuck Norris can kick trolls out of /., but only one or two at a time.

Re:Oh, great. (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720079)

actually, the idle section is supposed to look this way

Re:Oh, great. (1)

RockWolf (806901) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720811)

What, to discourage from browsing /. at work?

Re:Oh, great. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23723877)

What, to discourage from browsing /. at work?
It's discouraging me from browsing it, and I'm at home!! :-/

Re:Oh, great. (3, Funny)

tepples (727027) | more than 6 years ago | (#23723103)

That's not a kick; that's just DeCSS [pigdog.org] .

Re:Oh, great. (0)

despe666 (802244) | more than 6 years ago | (#23724025)

Whoooooosh!

Re:Oh, great. (2, Funny)

pintpusher (854001) | more than 6 years ago | (#23728791)

Chuck Norris actually touches the asymptote.

LIES ALL LIES (5, Funny)

renegadesx (977007) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720791)

The Lawsuit backed down on Chuck Norris!

Re:Oh, great. (3, Funny)

DrLov3 (1025033) | more than 6 years ago | (#23725293)

Chuck Norris and Mr. T. both walked into a building, and the building immediatly exploded because it could not contain the sheer awesomeness of both of them.

Re:Oh, great. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23726749)

The fact this guy was modded Troll for having standards makes me weep for the old Slashdot. This place has been overrun by teenagers and rednecks.

Re:Oh, great. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23727497)

Yeah, that's what she said.

Christ, I love Libraries! (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23719845)

A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown, I had to take a piss. As I entered the john a big beautiful all-American football hero type, about twenty five, came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was "straight" and married -- and in any case I was sure I wouldn't have a chance with him.

As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured. The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist. I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself.

Of course I'd had jerkoff fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but I had never done it. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud. Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with boh hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose.

It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract? I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. I've found since then that shit nearly almost does..

I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss.

I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit. Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer.

But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my hankercheif, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom.

I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours.. I must have had six orgasms in the process. I often think of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.

Re:Christ, I love Libraries! (0, Offtopic)

nawcom (941663) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720041)

I only assume Chuck Norris is the narrator. Fuck, it seems like he can do anything!

/. really needs a report button! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720083)

So fags like this can be reported. Digg has it, why not /.?

Re:/. really needs a report button! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23725237)

Because sometimes its entertaining to read the trolls. Always cooking up something worse than before.

No Idle on the Front Page, please. (0, Offtopic)

lightversusdark (922292) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719923)

I'll chip in to buy it a whole new URL, in fact.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (2, Funny)

cleatsupkeep (1132585) | more than 6 years ago | (#23719983)

And we'll call it Digg. And there will be blackjack, and hookers.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (1)

MaXiMiUS (923393) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720455)

You can keep your "Digg," I'll take the other two.

00110001001001111010000110110111001.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (1)

plover (150551) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720643)

In fact, forget the Digg and the blackjack. Eh, screw the whole thing.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (1)

MaXiMiUS (923393) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720465)

You can keep your "Digg," I'll take the other two.

00110001001001111010000110110111001.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720593)

In fact, forget the blackjack.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (1)

Ultra64 (318705) | more than 6 years ago | (#23723865)

Or you could just not click on stories you don't want to see.
But I guess that would make too much sense.

Re:No Idle on the Front Page, please. (1)

HTH NE1 (675604) | more than 6 years ago | (#23733841)

"Idle: Chuck Norris Backs Down On Lawsuit "

Fairly warned be ye, says I.

Chuck Norris doesn't sue. (1)

Spy der Mann (805235) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720135)

He uses guns. (I can't believe I said that)

Re:Chuck Norris doesn't sue. (1)

Lord Kano (13027) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720509)

And by guns, I mean his fists!

Re:Chuck Norris doesn't sue. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23724627)

Guns? Are you kidding me? Chuck Norris is going to roundhouse-kick you so hard it'll cause the next big bang for even the mere thought that He would need to resort to such primitive weaponry.

Chuck Norris didn't back down from the lawsuit... (2, Funny)

Xelios (822510) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720161)

the lawsuit backed down from... ahh never mind.

Re:Chuck Norris didn't back down from the lawsuit. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720231)

... the lawsuit backed up on Chuck Norris ... eww... click anon...

Chuck Norris doesn't back down from lawsuits... (1)

Zarf (5735) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720245)

... Chuck Norris throws-down on lawsuits!

Chuck Norris backs down on lawsuit... (3, Insightful)

RuBLed (995686) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720263)

then unleashes a roundhouse kick!...

the only thing Chuck Norris backs down from (2)

BlueshiftVFX (1158033) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720325)

is his own kickass reputation.

Order of events... (1)

nog_lorp (896553) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720421)

I wonder what happened first, Chuck Norris changed his mind about Spector's musings, or a lawyer told him about The People vs. Larry Flynt.

Did his lawyers only just realise (4, Insightful)

imneverwrong (1303895) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720507)

...that parody is protected speech [wikipedia.org] ?

But -is- this parody? (1)

Animaether (411575) | more than 6 years ago | (#23722847)

I thought a parody would have to include, largely, parts of the original which are then distorted in one way or another so as to poke fun at it, society, or whatever.

Not the dictionary definition, so here's the dictionary one:
-----
      1.
                  1. A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule. See synonyms at caricature.
                  2. The genre of literature comprising such works.
      2. Something so bad as to be equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty: The trial was a parody of justice.
      3. Music. The practice of reworking an already established composition, especially the incorporation into the Mass of material borrowed from other works, such as motets or madrigals.
-----

I don't believe it qualifies under any of the above; though I'm guessing the case might have decided on that.

To me it looks like an original work (or a compilation of original works) that all unclude one thing: the name of an individual.

I'm going to guess that he would have gone with the 'Misappropriation' angle. That is: the authors are using Chuck Norris' name without his consent for commercial gain. Obviously.

This is different from using his name in sections of, say, a novel (where time and again it has been upheld that using real names is a-ok), as here the 'Chuck Norris' angle is practically the selling point*, whereas with a novel that is not likely to be the case.

* Then again, these jokes pre-existed as Hasselhoff jokes as well, I think? But if they were to have the book's 'Chuck Norris' replaced with 'David Hasselhoff' or 'John Doe', then it would very likely not sell nearly as well; thus the misappropriation angle.

Re:But -is- this parody? (1)

Zaphod The 42nd (1205578) | more than 6 years ago | (#23728285)

I agree, it is an original work that merely happens to capitalize on a name. Since Norris himself didn't write these quotes (unless he did, lol that would be nice) this is just a character in the public domain.

Re:Did his lawyers only just realise (1)

blair1q (305137) | more than 6 years ago | (#23750491)

No, they realized Chuck isn't the author.

Obviously... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23720605)

The lawsuit was dropped because it was determined that no lawyer could defend against from Chuck Norris.

Chuck: the IT Edition (4, Funny)

tigersha (151319) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720709)

OpenBSD was created when Chuck Norris ripped the BSD kernel apart

Chuck Norris runs UNICOS on his wristwatch

The FIN bit in an IP packet is used to indicate that Chuck is coming over the Ethernet to get you

The first terabit switch blew up when Chuck connected his computer to it

Chuck Norris measures the speed of his CPU in BogoTips, not BogoMips /proc/uptime overflowed on Chucks 128 bit machine.

82.4% of the liquid helium produced on earth is used to cool Chuck's superconductive CPUs

The IPV6 Address space was exhausted when Chuck assigned an address to each of the CPU's in his Beowulf cluster

Chuck Norris won the Turing award 4 times. Last time was for an algorithm to factor primes

Chuck Norris scans his own PC for Mail Viruses by smell. And God bless you if you spam him

Chuck Norris uses cat and echo instead of UPDATE and SELECT

Chuck Norris's LISP machine does not use a Garbage collector. It does not need one.

Half-life 2 was based on Chucks day off last week

For Chucks computer P=NP is irrelevant. Everything runs in one clock cycle.

Chuck Norris does not have CD Burner. He has a CD Blaster. And all CD's are rewritable on his machine.

Oracle is named after Chucks CPU branch prediction unit

Each of the CPUs in Chucks Beowulf cluster can crack any AES block in a picosecond

The PowerPC chip was pulled from the market when IBM realized that no processor is as powerful as Chucks brain

When Chucks computer crashes the lights dim all over town

Choogle Earth can zoom down to the level of quarks and leptons and is updated every femtosecond

Chuck Norris' chains down his mouse with Kevlar ropes ever since it ate his pet tiger

Chucks's house is wired with Cat100 quantum optical cable that carries terabit ethernet with ease

Steve Jobs's reality distortion field is generated by Chuck

The last time Chuck Norris had a core dump 15 people died

--

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (5, Insightful)

m_frankie_h (240122) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720943)

That would be Bruce Schneier.

Chuck Norris (1)

teh1337striker (1029924) | more than 6 years ago | (#23721039)

Chuck Norris never backs down. Ever.

Re:Chuck Norris (3, Funny)

Dr_Barnowl (709838) | more than 6 years ago | (#23722549)

Chuck Norris never backs up ; if his data and the universe disagree, the universe is wrong, not the data.

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (1)

famebait (450028) | more than 6 years ago | (#23723203)

Chuck Norris can mount a man-in-the-middle attack by chewing the fibre in two and aiming one end into each eye.

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23724661)

Last time was for an algorithm to factor primes

/* Chuck's winning submission; no this isn't C++. It's Chuck++. */
vector<int> factorPrime(int prime) {
  return new vector<int> (1, prime);
}

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23725571)

Vista's so good Chuck Norris must have coded it, himself.

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23730717)

No need for an algorithm to factor primes; primes can't be nontrivially factored.

Re:Chuck: the IT Edition (2, Funny)

eugene ts wong (231154) | more than 6 years ago | (#23735579)

The punch card was invented and named after Chuck's preferred method of typing.

Strange... (2, Interesting)

Rui del-Negro (531098) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720883)

This is odd, because I have the book (my girlfriend got it for me a couple of months ago), and in it the author says that he met with Chuck Norris and got his OK.

Is this really old news (from before the book's latest edition), or did Carlos Ray give the OK and then decide to sue?

Re:Strange... (2, Insightful)

Fluffeh (1273756) | more than 6 years ago | (#23721201)

Well, look, prior to getting my kit off, I tell potential sex partners that I have a huge willy. My point is that not everything you hear is true and it's just as easy to be told a lie via print.

Re:Strange... (1)

Rui del-Negro (531098) | more than 6 years ago | (#23736035)

I doubt the book's author would lie (in print, too) about a meeting with Chuck Norris and his laywer. I mean, why bother? He could simply not mention any of that and, if he ever got sued, claim the book was satire (which it obviously is), and therefore fell under free speech (which it obviously does).

My guess is that Norris was fine with the original website but, when it was published, decided he wanted a share of the profits. Which I agree he should be entitled to... if he can prove the "facts" are actually based on him and his real abilities.

Re:Strange... (1)

cloudmaster (10662) | more than 6 years ago | (#23726349)

I just bought a copy of the book last weekend, and the lawsuit's mentioned in the foreword. It's right after the part where the author mentions CN showing approval.

Re:Strange... (1)

Rui del-Negro (531098) | more than 6 years ago | (#23736083)

Which I guess gives us another fact about Chuck Norris: he can have two completely contrary opinions on the same matter at the same time. Or maybe his brain gets flipped with each roundhouse kick.

Is this really "news for nerds"? (-1, Troll)

RLiegh (247921) | more than 6 years ago | (#23720921)

Hell, is this even really news?

Re:Is this really "news for nerds"? (2, Funny)

Aeternitas827 (1256210) | more than 6 years ago | (#23721803)

*glances at title...(Is this really "news for nerds"?)..* *examines the fact that this phenomenon occurred on the intarwebs...* *considers that the intarwebs are mostly frequented and posted upon by said nerds...* Yes, this is news for nerds. And news for nerds = news, as the 'for nerds' is merely a narrowing qualifier, essentially irrelevant to the nature of 'news'...kinda like: X+0=X, where X="news", etc, etc, yatta, yatta, yatta.

Re:Is this really "news for nerds"? (2, Informative)

Aeternitas827 (1256210) | more than 6 years ago | (#23721813)

Ignore the lack of line breaks above, for I am an idiot.

Re:Is this really "news for nerds"? (3, Funny)

JCSoRocks (1142053) | more than 6 years ago | (#23725635)

rofl. The person that modded this "informative" is brilliant. That's awesome.

Chuck Norris cares about us (5, Funny)

TempeTerra (83076) | more than 6 years ago | (#23721797)

This is clearly a benevolent act by Mr Norris, as a single one of his roundhouse kicks would have destroyed the entire legal system.

Resorting to a lawsuit? (1)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#23723939)

Not a roundhouse kick? What a pussy. Chuck Norris is going to have to go and kick Chuck Norris' ass now.

He didn't back down... (1)

elrous0 (869638) | more than 6 years ago | (#23725139)

...He lifted the rest of world up.

Norris was already here (1)

benhattman (1258918) | more than 6 years ago | (#23727223)

I was going to make up some really great exploit about Chuck Norris and post it as a comment. But then I realized that Chuck Norris had already spoofed the accounts of many /. regulars and had wittily added all appropriate Chuck Norris exploits as comments. What is unclear, is whether or not Chuck Norris created this topic and all comments with a roundhouse kick, or if he only anticipated when it would be created.

Chuck Norris doesn't back down... (1)

D Ninja (825055) | more than 6 years ago | (#23729477)

...he waits.

Err...something like that.

He ain't all that tough (1)

dacarr (562277) | more than 6 years ago | (#23730813)

Chuck Norris never enlisted with the United States Marine Corps [usmc.mil] - they had to make him an "honorary marine".

Then again, I ain't all that tough either. =)

Re:He ain't all that tough (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#23735263)

Dude, the Marine Corps is where the weaklings go who aren't tough enough to be in the Chuck Norris Corps.

Re:He ain't all that tough (1)

DeathElk (883654) | more than 6 years ago | (#23743567)

In breaking news, a nerd named Dennis Carr who often posts to tech site "Slashdot", spontaneously combusted just after 6PM last night. Police are at a loss to explain the occurrence...

In other news, Houston police are unable to explain a series of horizontal lightning bolts, accompanied by rumblings that occurred just after 6PM last night...

Re:He ain't all that tough (1)

dacarr (562277) | more than 6 years ago | (#23747977)

OK, that one wins the internet. =) MOD PARENT UP!

Delta Force (1)

johosaphats (1082929) | more than 6 years ago | (#23742381)

In Soviet Russia, government backs down to Chuck Norris after watching Delta Force marathon on cable.

Chuck Norris (1)

grey580 (941471) | more than 6 years ago | (#23750189)

Chuck Norris only dropped the lawsuit because Chuck Norris didn't want to waste his time round house kicking endless waves of laywers. smart move in my opinion. Chuck life isn't a video game.
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