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Researchers Discover How To Make the Perfect Phone Call

samzenpus posted more than 5 years ago | from the thanks-guys dept.

Science 85

Having made amazing discoveries such as how to make the perfect cheese sandwich, linking heavy caffeine use to sleeplessness, and figuring out where all the teaspoons have gone, science has made the greatest breakthrough yet. They have uncovered the secrets of making the perfect phone call. The perfect phone call clocks in at a mere 9 minutes and 36 seconds, easily 11 minutes shorter than any conversation I've ever had with my mom. Unlike a call to mom, the perfect phone call is almost devoid of any gossip about her divorced neighbor and her heavily tattooed daughter. Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex. What's left of your 9 mins 36 secs is a free for all.

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WTF samzenpus? (5, Insightful)

Somegeek (624100) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821787)

This is not science.
This is not "stuff that matters"
This is not "news for nerds"

Why the hell are you posting this crap?

Re:WTF samzenpus? (1)

danieltdp (1287734) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821841)

I can't tell you why, but it is by far the most useless news I've seen posted around here. Its not good enough even to idle session!

Re:WTF samzenpus? (1)

pjotrb123 (685993) | more than 5 years ago | (#25827277)

The perfect phone call would tell me my salary has been doubled, or my work hours have been cut in half. Or both

Re:WTF samzenpus? (5, Funny)

TheLazySci-FiAuthor (1089561) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821855)

This is not science.
This is not "stuff that matters"
This is not "news for nerds"

Why the hell are you posting this crap?

You should call samzenpus up and have a good 9 minute 36 second disucssion about this.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (4, Funny)

DaveV1.0 (203135) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822271)

I doubt it would be a perfect phone call due to the 9 minutes of reaming.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822795)

mod parent up :)

Re:WTF samzenpus? (1)

DigiShaman (671371) | more than 5 years ago | (#25842081)

It would be a perfect phone call if we can all listen in on it.

Schadenfreude is the pleasure we all love to hate :)

G4 once had a good Japanese show on this (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25826233)

The goal was to interview someone with an outreached handshake, but only to keep shaking their hand as long possible while asking questions just to continue the unnecessary interview and handshaking. Great shit. Bested the Germans' anal manwhore felching a butch ChzecoSlavakian's strapon dildo. Still, I wonder if it were dropped because the Yen and Yaoi Bukkake began a fierce battle upon the summit of that volcano they are sitting on...what's it's name, Mount Jap I think.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (2, Informative)

zygotic mitosis (833691) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821859)

Yeah. TFA says that the research was done by experts at the British telecom "Post Office". Summary claims 'science'. I disagree.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822169)

You're absolutely right. Why the FUCK is this shit on here?

Slashdot is apparently converting itself into some sort of AOL Welcome! Portal for mothers that think forwarding stupid shit from their Hotmail accounts qualifies as "internetting".

This is only news to people that leading boring fucking lives.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (5, Insightful)

hansamurai (907719) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822361)

Idle was created for this very reason... yet it's polluting science.slashdot.org

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25829909)

Waitaminute, I smell mutual recursion here:

Idle is polluting slashdot.org.
And slashdot.org is polluting idle.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822605)

> Why the hell are you posting this crap?

They needed someplace to show off all of Shampoo's inventions.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822719)

/agree

Re:WTF samzenpus? (2, Funny)

sumdumass (711423) | more than 5 years ago | (#25824807)

Then needed one more excuse to use the Bush with the phone upside down picture before having to switch to the Obama one. [snopes.com]

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25825789)

24 seconds about the opposite sex?
Yup, sounds like it's for nerds.
Some weather, eh?

Re:WTF samzenpus? (2, Informative)

againjj (1132651) | more than 5 years ago | (#25827451)

This [telegraph.co.uk] makes it sound a little less inane. However, it was apparently a survey conducted online. [royalmailgroup.com] So, it is pretty bad.

Re:WTF samzenpus? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25834091)

"Researchers Discover How To Make the Perfect Phone Call" - heh you mean researchers rediscovered making phone calls? Holy shit.

Silly me (3, Funny)

shaitand (626655) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821789)

In my world, a perfect phone call wouldn't involve my mother at all.

Re:Silly me (2, Funny)

danieltdp (1287734) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821853)

I my world, a perfect phone call wouldn't involve a phone at all!

Re:Silly me (1)

SQLGuru (980662) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822301)

In my world, the only reason to have a phone is for accoustic coupling......who needs to talk when you have a TTY terminal.

Layne

Re:Silly me (3, Funny)

Manfre (631065) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821965)

In some one's world, a perfect phone call would involve your mom.

Re:Silly me (3, Funny)

Stewie241 (1035724) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822071)

Would seem silly to use the phone to make a call from the basement to upstairs.

Re:Silly me (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25824055)

Would seem silly to use the phone to make a call from the basement to upstairs.

My son used to email me from his bedroom upstairs.

Also seems silly to put on executive airs by posting sentences without subjects. Are you really so pressed for time in your uber-busy schedule?

Pompous ass.

Re:Silly me (1)

Joe Snipe (224958) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822897)

I had a perfect call with your mom last night.

Re:Silly me (1)

rob1980 (941751) | more than 5 years ago | (#25823167)

The only way it could have been made more perfect would be if you didn't have to dial a 900 number to get to the GP's mom!

Re:Silly me (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25843333)

I had a perfect call with your mom last night.

That would be a booty call, right?

Re:Silly me (1)

jonadab (583620) | more than 5 years ago | (#25830903)

Yeah, well, in my world, the phrase "phone call" usually goes into the same sentence with words like "interruption", "annoyance", and "accursed", and phrases such as "modern work environment", "noise pollution", and "Scott Adams".

Somewhere, in a completely unrelated sentence, which probably takes place in an idyllic setting, one might find the word "perfect", sitting alongside such words as "quiet" and "peaceful" and "relaxing". In this context, one supposes that it's probably snowing gently, a dry powdery snow. Something Bach wrote for violins is playing softly in the background, and I'm reading a good book, or taking a hot bath, or perhaps both.

Trying to combine the two concepts is an exercise in surrealism, as far as I'm concerned.

Re:Silly me (1)

shaitand (626655) | more than 5 years ago | (#25837039)

In my world the perfect phone call would probably involve news about some blow, four playmates, and a large case small unmarked bills. YMMV.

Re:Silly me (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25832845)

As for myself, I wish I could still pick up the phone and talk to my mother. She passed away four years ago.

Rather (1, Funny)

2names (531755) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821823)

Just send an SMS.

Re:Rather (1)

mmu_man (107529) | more than 5 years ago | (#25827523)

SMS are dangerous, just ask the french president ;)

Why doesnt the BBC use slashcode in forums (2, Funny)

coastwalker (307620) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821831)

If only they could discover how to make the perfect first post.

No Phone call is the perfect phone call (1)

andy19 (1250844) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821835)

I'd rather just not be on the phone at all.

Daughter? (4, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25821845)

Is the heavily tattooed daughter single?

Re:Daughter? (4, Insightful)

infonography (566403) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822247)

Is the heavily tattooed daughter single?

that is surprisingly the most relevant post to Slashdot so far.

Re:Daughter? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25824989)

Sure, your translucent skin and cheetos fingers will really seal THAT deal. How could the marital status of a tattooed female person be any *less* relevant to the lives of Slashdotters?

"Perfect?" Standards? (5, Insightful)

philspear (1142299) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821891)

Has "perfect" taken on a new meaning? The summary didn't explain, and neither did the freaking article as to what they mean by "perfect" or "ideal." Is this merely what the researchers themselves prefered? "9:36 is the ideal time, because that's exactly how long it takes me to walk from my lab to my house."

NOT SCIENCE DAMNIT!!

Re:"Perfect?" Standards? (1)

bmin (945466) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822573)

Well doesn't it depend on which path they take to work.

Obligatory XKCD reference!

http://www.xkcd.com/85/ [xkcd.com]

Re:"Perfect?" Standards? (1)

zobier (585066) | more than 5 years ago | (#25828161)

More importantly, can we please get samzenpus's mom's neighbor's daughter's phone number?

Re:"Perfect?" Standards? (1)

Tastecicles (1153671) | more than 5 years ago | (#25840727)

that would bite if "she" turned out to be a four month old "he".

Re:"Perfect?" Standards? (1)

PingPongBoy (303994) | more than 5 years ago | (#25832719)

I would imagine perfect is another word for optimal. There are many things in your life that can be affected by a phone call. Take that impact on average, considering all the phone calls that you are typically making, and the perfect phone call becomes the objective phone call, the kind of call that you want to make every time, the Holy Grail of phone calls.

Even more perfect... (1)

teabag_46 (1106783) | more than 5 years ago | (#25821907)

My idea of the perfect phone call, is the one I miss!

My perfect 9 minute phone call... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25821909)

... is with your mom.

Perfect phone call (3, Funny)

Profane MuthaFucka (574406) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822087)

"Profane Muthafucka, It's for you"

"Tell them I'm on the toilet and if it's important they can send me an email."

My perfect phone call (1)

syousef (465911) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822119)

- 5-8 hours long

- Speaking to a member of the opposite sex who I am romantically interested in

- May or may not be G-rated in parts

- Costs under $2

- (Definitely not a phone sex line - never called one of those)

You know you're sold if it takes that long (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822211)

If a man talks to a woman for that long it is (a) serious and (b) definitely at the START of the relationship. :-)

Re:You know you're sold if it takes that long (1)

syousef (465911) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822863)

You have NO idea what you're missing.

Re:My perfect phone call (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822511)

Hey guys!! Come look at this. There's a girl on /.

http://slashdot.org/~syousef

Re:My perfect phone call (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25824073)

Instead of wasting your time talking 5-8 hours, go over to the person's house and have sex for 5-8 hours.

I highly recommend it, and it also will not be G-rated. If he/she is far away though, it could cost more than $2 in gas, so choose your partner by geographical location for the best sex-to-gas ratio.

Re:My perfect phone call (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25824951)

I think the point of 5-8 hours was to actually have something to do instead of just being together for 5-8 hours while interacting for 5 minutes, 10 if your zipper gets stuck and the fore play is long, then rolling over and going to sleep while she makes some noises behind your back.

You know she really enjoyed it when she keeps making the sexual noises as if your still doing her behind your back as your falling asleep. (think about that one)

The article also forgot to mention... (1)

Firemouth (1360899) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822129)

... the area code for these "perfect calls" all start with 1-900...

And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call (2, Funny)

Joe The Dragon (967727) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822333)

And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call.

Re:And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822735)

From you? Or to you?

Re:And the king of calls is the Prison / jail call (1)

farnsaw (252018) | more than 5 years ago | (#25825315)

Actually, the king of all calls is the FAKE Prison / jail call to your parents... when you are 16... and out with their car!

Now what (3, Funny)

electricbern (1222632) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822451)

Instead three minutes should be spent catching up with news about family and friends, one minute on personal problems, a minute on work/school, 42 seconds on current affairs, 24 seconds on the weather, and 24 seconds talking about the opposite sex

I am currently doing your heavily tattooed daughter, who I've meet at work, under pouring rain. There, covered, family, work, current affairs, weather and opposite sex. Should I hang up or use the 9 minutes 36 seconds on the details?

Lost Teaspoons (3, Funny)

MozeeToby (1163751) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822455)

I just read the lost teaspoons article and I have to admit it was actually kind of interesting and funny. If they had been able to draw any real conclusions it's almost IgNobel worthy. My favorite part came at the end, when they surveyed the people they had been researching. Of the people that responded to the survey, "Thirty six (38%) were male, 57 were female (61%), and one was undecided."

Re: Undecided (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25823547)

Pat?

Re:Lost Teaspoons (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25825015)

I have worked in the institute that published this article (and as you can see the employee-crowd is not only talented but has a great sense of humor). The mention of that "undecided" person is a homage to one of the employees. (Inside joke)

divorced neighbor and heavily tattooed daughter .. (0, Redundant)

Spectre (1685) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822525)

Do you have the phone number for the heavily tattooed daughter?

I might like to give her a perfect phone call ...

Most imperfect phone call? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822803)

When you dial a phone-sex line and talk for 9 minutes and 36 seconds before realizing the person at the other end is actually your mom...

Re:Most imperfect phone call? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25822961)

Not when you factor in the family discount.

Phones = Super Satan (1)

SirusTV (1001138) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822819)

The only perfect phone call is the one that never takes place. I keep my cell phone on me at all times .... strictly for the internet. If someone calls me they better be on fire. There is no other logical reason that someone would make me get on a phone than if they were on fire and I was the last person on earth, and only I could put them out.

for chicks, maybe (5, Insightful)

boristdog (133725) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822859)

That may be a perfect phone call for chicks, but 9:36 is WAY too freaking long for guys.

Perfect guy phone call:
*ring*
Guy 1: Hello.
Guy 2: Hey man, I'll meet you at the *bar/your place/bowling alley/casino/strip club/etc.* in 30 minutes.
Guy 1: Cool.
*click*

Re:for chicks, maybe (0, Offtopic)

2short (466733) | more than 5 years ago | (#25823793)


With the advent of caller ID and a sufficiently consistent agenda, one friend and I went a year or so having the same conversation once a week:

*ring*
Guy 1: Go.
*click*

I had to call him back if I wanted to say anything different.

Re:for chicks, maybe (1)

Russellkhan (570824) | more than 5 years ago | (#25825377)

Why not just text it?

Re:for chicks, maybe (1)

2short (466733) | more than 5 years ago | (#25826975)

This was before "texting"; we thought it was awfully new-fangled that caller id let us drop the "Hello", cutting our word count in half. So yeah, I'm old.

Re:for chicks, maybe (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25827807)

because it is faster to call and say it than to text it, dumbass.

Re:for chicks, maybe (1)

pdboddy (620164) | more than 5 years ago | (#25830883)

Is it? When you take into consideration the time it takes to punch in a ten digit phone number, wait for the phone to be answered, then speak... I've already sent a text saying change of plans... :P The phone conversation is only faster when you're having one of those 9 minute, 36 seconds long conversations..

Re:for chicks, maybe (1)

iastor (302585) | more than 5 years ago | (#25831437)

That's great! I'm learning all of my social skills from GTA 4, too :)

In a similar breakthrough (2, Funny)

Forzan (1132007) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822887)

In a similar breakthrough, scientists discovered the perfect Slashdot post consists of twenty-five words and contains a slight jab at the validity of the article.

Re: Hofstadter would be proud! (1)

TaoPhoenix (980487) | more than 5 years ago | (#25823621)

His post contains 25 words and a slight jab at the article.

Re:In a similar breakthrough (1)

Fnord666 (889225) | more than 5 years ago | (#25828897)

In a similar breakthrough, scientists discovered the perfect Slashdot post consists of twenty-five words and contains a slight jab at the validity of the article.

The perfect post also has to contain two speling errers and a grammatical error. And an unrelated car analogy, which the parent post does not.

Possibly research was involved (1)

Forzan (1132007) | more than 5 years ago | (#25822957)

The research probably involved a large set of subjects volunteering to have their phone calls recorded. After each call, they could fill out a form or send a text message rating how satisfied they were with that call.

It's not too hard to imagine this being actual research, rather than immediately considering it subjective junk science -- but I agree that the article is crap for not giving any details. Is there a newsier, nerdier article available?

no editors today (0, Redundant)

frovingslosh (582462) | more than 5 years ago | (#25823099)

I see the editors took the day off.

The leader of the Free World (1)

mrob1 (833217) | more than 5 years ago | (#25824281)

The president is holding the telephone upside down.

Re:The leader of the Free World (1)

md65536 (670240) | more than 5 years ago | (#25824859)

FAKE!!!!

This is an obvious photoshop job. You can tell its fake because the shadow's are all wrong.

This is from a scene in the movie Never Back Down where the prez calls to give props to Max and Baja.

Perfect call? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25825201)

Is that anything like "the perfect cheer"?

In Soviet Russia, 1-900 Call pays YOU. (1)

tetsu96 (790788) | more than 5 years ago | (#25825691)

Suddenly Soviet Russia sounds nice.

My perfect phone call... (1)

philci52 (673066) | more than 5 years ago | (#25826071)

To person of attractive opposite sex:
Me: How about a movie, some drinks and a game of strip poker
Her: I'll be right over.
Click.

Lay off of Bush (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25827511)

Was the fake photo of him with the upside down phone necessary?

Re:Lay off of Bush (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 5 years ago | (#25828523)

Necessary? No. Hilarious? Yes.

Another BS "formula" story (1)

Daniel Rutter (126873) | more than 5 years ago | (#25829489)

These "scientists have discovered the formula for" sorts of stories make (actual) scientists look like nutty boffins who make no real contribution to the world. (Actually, the word "boffin" is, in the Commonwealth, a pretty good marker for BS science stories.)

Newspaper science reporting is bad enough already. Do we really need this pure liquid crap flowing through Slashdot too?

(Ben "Bad Science" Goldacre has had rather a lot to say [google.com] about these sorts of stories, and the whores who create them, over the years.)

opposite sex? (1)

famebait (450028) | more than 5 years ago | (#25832809)

24 seconds talking about the opposite sex.

I'm gay, you insensitive clod.

Oh, wait.
No I'm not.

Relevance question (1)

Arancaytar (966377) | more than 5 years ago | (#25836799)

Why is this summary illustrated by George W. Bush with a telephone?

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