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477 comments

For once ... (4, Funny)

ScrewMaster (602015) | about 5 years ago | (#28698065)

we don't have to ask if it runs Linux.

Re:For once ... (4, Funny)

More_Cowbell (957742) | about 5 years ago | (#28698133)

Has that *ever* stopped anyone before?

Re:For once ... (2, Funny)

ScrewMaster (602015) | about 5 years ago | (#28698193)

Has that *ever* stopped anyone before?

No, and I'm sure there will be some people wanting to know if their mail is going to be delivered by Beowulf Cluster.

Re:For once ... (5, Funny)

snl2587 (1177409) | about 5 years ago | (#28698233)

No, and I'm sure there will be some people wanting to know if their mail is going to be delivered by Beowulf Cluster.

I, for one, welcome our mail-delivering, Beowulf Cluster overlords.

Re:For once ... (-1, Flamebait)

ocularDeathRay (760450) | about 5 years ago | (#28698533)

Has that *ever* stopped anyone before?

idk egghead... you tell me, and while your at it... tell me if it runs linux

Mail server (5, Funny)

Abreu (173023) | about 5 years ago | (#28698465)

Well, look on the bright side...

Now we can say, with all confidence, that the world's largest mail server runs Linux

Re:For once ... (4, Informative)

the_humeister (922869) | about 5 years ago | (#28698587)

Really? GNU/Linux? How do we know it's not really Ruby/Apache/X.org/KDE/GNU/Linux? The article just says "Linux environment." It could very well be BSD/Linux instead of GNU/Linux.

But I digress. HP generally uses Red Hat Linux. To be semantically correct the summary should have read "Postal Service moves to Red Hat Enterprise Linux on HP Hardware"

homosex is sinful (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698073)

It has come to my attention that the entire Linux community is a hotbed of so called 'alternative sexuality,' which includes anything from hedonistic orgies to homosexuality to pedophilia.

What better way of demonstrating this than by looking at the hidden messages contained within the names of some of Linux's most outspoken advocates:

  • Linus Torvalds [microsoft.com] [microsoft.com] is an anagram of slit anus or VD 'L,' clearly referring to himself by the first initial.
  • Richard M. Stallman [geocities.com] [geocities.com], spokespervert for the Gaysex's Not Unusual 'movement' is an anagram of mans cram thrill ad.
  • Alan Cox [microsoft.com] [microsoft.com] is barely an anagram of anal cox which is just so filthy and unchristian it unnerves me.

I'm sure that Eric S. Raymond, composer of the satanic homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] propaganda diatribe The Cathedral and the Bizarre, is probably an anagram of something queer, but we don't need to look that far as we know he's always shoving a gun up some poor little boy's rectum. Update: Eric S. Raymond is actually an anagram for secondary rim and cord in my arse. It just goes to show you that he is indeed queer.

Update the Second: It is also documented that Evil Sicko Gaymond is responsible for a nauseating piece of code called Fetchmail [microsoft.com] [microsoft.com], which is obviously sinister sodomite slang for 'Felch Male' -- a disgusting practise. For those not in the know, 'felching' is the act performed by two perverts wherein one sucks their own post-coital ejaculate out of the other's rectum. In fact, it appears that the dirty Linux faggots set out to undermine the good Republican institution of e-mail, turning it into 'e-male.'

As far as Richard 'Master' Stallman goes, that filthy fudge-packer was actually quoted [salon.com] [salon.com] on leftist commie propaganda site Salon.com as saying the following: 'I've been resistant to the pressure to conform in any circumstance,' he says. 'It's about being able to question conventional wisdom,' he asserts. 'I believe in love, but not monogamy,' he says plainly.

And this isn't a made up troll bullshit either! He actually stated this tripe, which makes it obvious that he is trying to politely say that he's a flaming homo [comp-u-geek.net] [comp-u-geek.net] slut [rotten.com] [rotten.com]!

Speaking about 'flaming,' who better to point out as a filthy chutney ferret than Slashdot's very own self-confessed pederast Jon Katz. Although an obvious deviant anagram cannot be found from his name, he has already confessed, nay boasted of the homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] perversion of corrupting the innocence of young children [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org]. To quote from the article linked:

'I've got a rare kidney disease,' I told her. 'I have to go to the bathroom a lot. You can come with me if you want, but it takes a while. Is that okay with you? Do you want a note from my doctor?'

Is this why you were touching your penis [rotten.com] [rotten.com] in the cinema, Jon? And letting the other boys touch it too?

We should also point out that Jon Katz refers to himself as 'Slashdot's resident Gasbag.' Is there any more doubt? For those fortunate few who aren't aware of the list of homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] terminology found inside the Linux 'Sauce Code,' a 'Gasbag' is a pervert who gains sexual gratification from having a thin straw inserted into his urethra (or to use the common parlance, 'piss-pipe'), then his homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] lover blows firmly down the straw to inflate his scrotum. This is, of course, when he's not busy violating the dignity and copyright of posters to Slashdot by gathering together their postings and publishing them en masse to further his twisted and manipulative journalistic agenda.

Sick, disgusting antichristian perverts, the lot of them.

In addition, many of the Linux distributions (a 'distribution' is the most common way to spread the faggots' wares) are run by faggot groups. The Slackware [redhat.com] [redhat.com] distro is named after the 'Slack-wear' fags wear to allow easy access to the anus for sexual purposes. Furthermore, Slackware is a close anagram of claw arse, a reference to the homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] practise of anal fisting. The Mandrake [slackware.com] [slackware.com] product is run by a group of French faggot satanists, and is named after the faggot nickname for the vibrator. It was also chosen because it is an anagram for dark amen and ram naked, which is what they do.

Another 'distro,' (abbrieviated as such because it sounds a bit like 'Disco,' which is where homosexuals [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] preyed on young boys in the 1970s), is Debian, [mandrake.com] [mandrake.com] an anagram of in a bed, which could be considered innocent enough (after all, a bed is both where we sleep and pray), until we realise what other names Debian uses to describe their foul wares. 'Woody' is obvious enough, being a term for the erect male penis [rotten.com] [rotten.com], glistening with pre-cum. But far sicker is the phrase 'Frozen Potato' that they use. This filthy term, again found in the secret homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] 'Sauce Code,' refers to the solo homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] practice of defecating into a clear polythene bag, shaping the turd into a crude approximation of the male phallus, then leaving it in the freezer overnight until it becomes solid. The practitioner then proceeds to push the frozen 'potato' up his own rectum, squeezing it in and out until his tight young balls erupt in a screaming orgasm.

And Red Hat [debian.org] [debian.org] is secret homo [comp-u-geek.net] [comp-u-geek.net] slang for the tip of a penis [rotten.com] [rotten.com] that is soaked in blood from a freshly violated underage ringpiece.

The fags have even invented special tools to aid their faggotry! For example, the 'supermount' tool was devised to allow deeper penetration, which is good for fags because it gives more pressure on the prostate gland. 'Automount' is used, on the other hand, because Linux users are all fat and gay, and need to mount each other [comp-u-geek.net] [comp-u-geek.net] automatically.

The depths of their depravity can be seen in their use of 'mount points.' These are, plainly speaking, the different points of penetration. The main one is obviously/anus, but there are others. Militant fags even say 'there is no/opt mount point' because for these dirty perverts faggotry is not optional but a way of life.

More evidence is in the fact that Linux users say how much they love `man`, even going so far as to say that all new Linux users (who are in fact just innocent heterosexuals indoctrinated by the gay propaganda) should try out `man`. In no other system do users boast of their frequent recourse to a man.

Other areas of the system also show Linux's inherit gayness. For example, people are often told of the 'FAQ,' but how many innocent heterosexual Windows [amiga.com] [amiga.com] users know what this actually means. The answer is shocking: Faggot Anal Quest: the voyage of discovery for newly converted fags!

Even the title 'Slashdot [geekizoid.com] [geekizoid.com]' originally referred to a homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] practice. Slashdot [kuro5hin.org] [kuro5hin.org] of course refers to the popular gay practice of blood-letting. The Slashbots, of course are those super-zealous homosexuals [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] who take this perversion to its extreme by ripping open their anuses, as seen on the site most popular with Slashdot users, the depraved work of Satan, http://www.eff.org/ [eff.org] [eff.org].

The editors of Slashdot [slashduh.org] [slashduh.org] also have homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] names: 'Hemos' is obvious in itself, being one vowel away from 'Homos.' But even more sickening is 'Commander Taco' which sounds a bit like 'Commode in Taco,' filthy gay slang for a pair of spreadeagled buttocks that are caked with excrement [pboy.com] [pboy.com]. (The best form of lubrication, they insist.) Sometimes, these 'Taco Commodes' have special 'Salsa Sauce' (blood from a ruptured rectum) and 'Cheese' (rancid flakes of penis [rotten.com] [rotten.com] discharge) toppings. And to make it even worse, Slashdot [notslashdot.org] [notslashdot.org] runs on Apache!

The Apache [microsoft.com] [microsoft.com] server, whose use among fags is as prevalent as AIDS, is named after homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] activity -- as everyone knows, popular faggot band, the Village People, featured an Apache Indian, and it is for him that this gay program is named.

And that's not forgetting the use of patches in the Linux fag world -- patches are used to make the anus accessible for repeated anal sex even after its rupture by a session of fisting.

To summarise: Linux is gay. 'Slash -- Dot' is the graphical description of the space between a young boy's scrotum and anus. And BeOS [apple.com] [apple.com] is for hermaphrodites and disabled 'stumpers.'

FEEDBACK

What worries me is how much you know about what gay people do. I'm scared I actually read this whole thing. I think this post is a good example of the negative effects of Internet usage on people. This person obviously has no social life anymore and had to result to writing something as stupid as this. And actually take the time to do it too. Although... I think it was satire.. blah.. it's early. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

Well, the only reason I know all about this is because I had the misfortune to read the Linux 'Sauce code' once. Although publicised as the computer code needed to get Linux up and running on a computer (and haven't you always been worried about the phrase 'Monolithic Kernel'?), this foul document is actually a detailed and graphic description of every conceivable degrading perversion known to the human race, as well as a few of the major animal species. It has shocked and disturbed me, to the point of needing to shock and disturb the common man to warn them of the impending homo [comp-u-geek.net] [comp-u-geek.net]-calypse which threatens to engulf our planet.

You must work for the government. Trying to post the most obscene stuff in hopes that slashdot won't be able to continue or something, due to legal woes. If i ever see your ugly face, i'm going to stick my fireplace poker up your ass, after it's nice and hot, to weld shut that nasty gaping hole of yours. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

Doesn't it give you a hard-on to imagine your thick strong poker ramming it's way up my most sacred of sphincters? You're beyond help, my friend, as the only thing you can imagine is the foul penetrative violation of another man. Are you sure you're not Eric Raymond? The government, being populated by limp-wristed liberals, could never stem the sickening tide of homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] child molesting Linux advocacy. Hell, they've given NAMBLA free reign for years!

you really should post this logged in. i wish i could remember jebus's password, cuz i'd give it to you. -- mighty jebus [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org], Slashdot

Thank you for your kind words of support. However, this document shall only ever be posted anonymously. This is because the 'Open Sauce' movement is a sham, proposing homoerotic cults of hero worshipping in the name of freedom. I speak for the common man. For any man who prefers the warm, enveloping velvet folds of a woman's vagina [bodysnatchers.co.uk] [bodysnatchers.co.uk] to the tight puckered ringpiece of a child. These men, being common, decent folk, don't have a say in the political hypocrisy that is Slashdot culture. I am the unknown liberator [hitler.org] [hitler.org].

ROLF LAMO i hate linux FAGGOTS -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

We shouldn't hate them, we should pity them for the misguided fools they are... Fanatical Linux zeal-outs need to be herded into camps for re-education and subsequent rehabilitation into normal heterosexual society. This re-education shall be achieved by forcing them to watch repeats of Baywatch until the very mention of Pamela Anderson [rotten.com] [rotten.com] causes them to fill their pants with healthy heterosexual jism [zillabunny.com] [zillabunny.com].

Actually, that's not at all how scrotal inflation works. I understand it involves injecting sterile saline solution into the scrotum. I've never tried this, but you can read how to do it safely in case you're interested. (Before you moderate this down, ask yourself honestly -- who are the real crazies -- people who do scrotal inflation, or people who pay $1000+ for a game console?) -- double_h [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org], Slashdot

Well, it just goes to show that even the holy Linux 'sauce code' is riddled with bugs that need fixing. (The irony of Jon Katz not even being able to inflate his scrotum correctly has not been lost on me.) The Linux pervert elite already acknowledge this, with their queer slogan: 'Given enough arms, all rectums are shallow.' And anyway, the PS2 [xbox.com] [xbox.com] sucks major cock and isn't worth the money. Intellivision forever!

dude did u used to post on msnbc's nt bulletin board now that u are doing anti-gay posts u also need to start in with anti-black stuff too c u in church -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

For one thing, whilst Linux is a cavalcade of queer propaganda masquerading as the future of computing, NT [linux.com] [linux.com] is used by people who think nothing better of encasing their genitals in quick setting plaster then going to see a really dirty porno film, enjoying the restriction enforced onto them. Remember, a wasted arousal is a sin in the eyes of the Catholic church [atheism.org] [atheism.org]. Clearly, the only god-fearing Christian operating system in existence is CP/M -- The Christian Program Monitor. All computer users should immediately ask their local pastor to install this fine OS onto their systems. It is the only route to salvation.

Secondly, this message is for every man. Computers know no colour. Not only that, but one of the finest websites in the world is maintained by a Black Man [stileproject.com] [stileproject.com] . Now fuck off you racist donkey felcher.

And don't forget that slashdot was written in Perl, which is just too close to 'Pearl Necklace' for comfort.... oh wait; that's something all you heterosexuals do.... I can't help but wonder how much faster the trolls could do First-Posts on this site if it were redone in PHP... I could hand-type dynamic HTML pages faster than Perl can do them. -- phee [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org], Slashdot

Although there is nothing unholy about the fine heterosexual act of ejaculating between a woman's breasts, squirting one's load up towards her neck and chin area, it should be noted that Perl [python.org] [python.org] (standing for Pansies Entering Rectums Locally) is also close to 'Pearl Monocle,' 'Pearl Nosering,' and the ubiquitous 'Pearl Enema.'

One scary thing about Perl [sun.com] [sun.com] is that it contains hidden homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] messages. Take the following code: LWP::Simple -- It looks innocuous enough, doesn't it? But look at the line closely: There are two colons next to each other! As Larry 'Balls to the' Wall would openly admit in the Perl Documentation, Perl was designed from the ground up to indoctrinate it's programmers into performing unnatural sexual acts -- having two colons so closely together is clearly a reference to the perverse sickening act of 'colon kissing,' whereby two homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] queers spread their buttocks wide, pressing their filthy torn sphincters together. They then share small round objects like marbles or golfballs by passing them from one rectum to another using muscle contraction alone. This is also referred to in programming 'circles' as 'Parameter Passing.'

And PHP [perl.org] [perl.org] stands for Perverted Homosexual Penetration. Didn't you know?

Thank you for your valuable input on this. I am sure you will be never forgotten. BTW: Did I mention that this could be useful in terraforming Mars? Mars rulaa. -- Eimernase [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org], Slashdot

Well, I don't know about terraforming Mars, but I do know that homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] Linux Advocates have been probing Uranus for years.

That's inspiring. Keep up the good work, AC. May God in his wisdom grant you the strength to bring the plain honest truth to this community, and make it pure again. Yours, Cerberus. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

*sniff* That brings a tear to my eye. Thank you once more for your kind support. I have taken faith in the knowledge that I am doing the Good Lord [atheism.org] [atheism.org]'s work, but it is encouraging to know that I am helping out the common man here.

However, I should be cautious about revealing your name 'Cerberus' on such a filthy den of depravity as Slashdot. It is a well known fact that the 'Kerberos' documentation from Microsoft is a detailed manual describing, in intimate, exacting detail, how to sexually penetrate a variety of unwilling canine animals; be they domesticated, wild, or mythical. Slashdot posters have taken great pleasure in illegally spreading this documentation far and wide, treating it as an 'extension' to the Linux 'Sauce Code,' for the sake of 'interoperability.' (The slang term they use for nonconsensual intercourse -- their favourite kind.)

In fact, sick twisted Linux deviants are known to have LAN parties, (Love of Anal Naughtiness, needless to say.), wherein they entice a stray dog, known as the 'Samba Mount,' into their homes. Up to four of these filth-sodden blasphemers against nature take turns to plunge their erect, throbbing, uncircumcised members, conkers-deep, into the rectum, mouth, and other fleshy orifices of the poor animal. Eventually, the 'Samba Mount' collapses due to 'overload,' and needs to be 'rebooted.' (i.e., kicked out into the street, and left to fend for itself.) Many Linux users boast about their 'uptime' in such situations.

Inspiring stuff! If only all trolls were this quality! -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

If only indeed. You can help our brave cause by moderating this message up as often as possible. I recommend '+1, Underrated,' as that will protect your precious Karma in Metamoderation [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org]. Only then can we break through the glass ceiling of Homosexual Slashdot Culture. Is it any wonder that the new version of Slashcode has been christened 'Bender'???

If we can get just one of these postings up to at least '+1,' then it will be archived forever! Others will learn of our struggle, and join with us in our battle for freedom!

It's pathetic you've spent so much time writing this. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

I am compelled to document the foulness and carnal depravity [catholic.net] [catholic.net] that is Linux, in order that we may prepare ourselves for the great holy war that is to follow. It is my solemn duty to peel back the foreskin of ignorance and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.

As with any great open-source project, you need someone asking this question, so I'll do it. When the hell is version 2.0 going to be ready?!?! -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

I could make an arrogant, childish comment along the lines of 'Every time someone asks for 2.0, I won't release it for another 24 hours,' but the truth of the matter is that I'm quite nervous of releasing a 'number two,' as I can guarantee some filthy shit-slurping Linux pervert would want to suck it straight out of my anus before I've even had chance to wipe.

I desperately want to suck your monolithic kernel, you sexy hunk, you. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

I sincerely hope you're Natalie Portman [geocities.com] [geocities.com].

Dude, nothing on slashdot larger than 3 paragraphs is worth reading. Try to distill the message, whatever it was, and maybe I'll read it. As it is, I have to much open source software to write to waste even 10 seconds of precious time. 10 seconds is all its gonna take M$ to whoop Linux's ass. Vigilence is the price of Free (as in libre -- from the fine, frou frou French language) Software. Hack on fellow geeks, and remember: Friday is Bouillabaisse day except for heathens who do not believe that Jesus died for their sins. Those godless, oil drench, bearded sexist clowns can pull grits from their pantaloons (another fine, fine French word) and eat that. Anyway, try to keep your message focused and concise. For concision is the soul of derision. Way. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

What the fuck?

I've read your gay conspiracy post version 1.3.0 and I must say I'm impressed. In particular, I appreciate how you have managed to squeeze in a healthy dose of the latent homosexuality you gay-bashing homos [comp-u-geek.net] [comp-u-geek.net] tend to be full of. Thank you again. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

Well bugger me!

ooooh honey. how insecure are you!!! wann a little massage from deare bruci. love you -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot

Fuck right off!

IMPORTANT: This message needs to be heard (Not HURD [linux.org] [linux.org], which is an acronym for 'Huge Unclean Rectal Dilator') across the whole community, so it has been released into the Public Domain [icopyright.com] [icopyright.com]. You know, that licence that we all had before those homoerotic crypto-fascists came out with the GPL [apple.com] [apple.com] (Gay Penetration License) that is no more than an excuse to see who's got the biggest feces-encrusted [rotten.com] [rotten.com] cock. I would have put this up on Freshmeat [adultmember.com] [adultmember.com], but that name is known to be a euphemism for the tight rump of a young boy.

Come to think of it, the whole concept of 'Source Control' unnerves me, because it sounds a bit like 'Sauce Control,' which is a description of the homosexual [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr] practice of holding the base of the cock shaft tightly upon the point of ejaculation, thus causing a build up of semenal fluid that is only released upon entry into an incision made into the base of the receiver's scrotum. And 'Open Sauce' is the act of ejaculating into another mans face or perhaps a biscuit to be shared later. Obviously, 'Closed Sauce' is the only Christian thing to do, as evidenced by the fact that it is what Cathedrals are all about.

Contributors: (although not to the eternal game of 'soggy biscuit' that open 'sauce' development has become) Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, phee, Anonymous Coward, mighty jebus, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, double_h, Anonymous Coward, Eimernase, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward. Further contributions are welcome.

Current changes: This version sent to FreeWIPO [slashdot.org] [slashdot.org] by 'Bring BackATV' as plain text. Reformatted everything, added all links back in (that we could match from the previous version), many new ones (Slashbot bait links). Even more spelling fixed. Who wrote this thing, CmdrTaco himself?

Previous changes: Yet more changes added. Spelling fixed. Feedback added. Explanation of 'distro' system. 'Mount Point' syntax described. More filth regarding `man` and Slashdot. Yet more fucking spelling fixed. 'Fetchmail' uncovered further. More Slashbot baiting. Apache exposed. Distribution licence at foot of document.

ANUX -- A full Linux distribution... Up your ass!

I do it wrong!

I do it wrong

Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....

WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!

Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass [goatse.fr] [goatse.fr].

"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"

"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"

I DO IT WRONG!

I continue to hump her alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as I tear her ass open with my engorged dick.

"Queen Amidala!!" I shreik as I near climax.

She looks up at me and screams, "You are so alive in me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"

"For me you are calling, hhhmmm?"

"YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you see I am using the force here?"

He savagely kicks my Natalie aside, he pulls out his large green penis and impales me...

I DO IT WRONG!

All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!

A couple weeks ago, while (browsing around the library downtown|working late in the computer labs), I had to take a piss. As I entered the john, Barack Obama -- the messiah himself -- came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was busy and in any case I was sure the secret service wouldn't even let me shake his hand.

As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured. The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as his cock -- or at least as I imagined it!

I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a liberal democrat and had been on the Obama train since last year. Of course I'd had fantasies of meeting him, sucking his cock and balls, not to mention sucking his asshole clean, but I never imagined I would have the chance. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of Barack Obama, the chosen one.

Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract?

I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled.

I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big half nigger cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was that Barack Obama wasn't there to see my loyalty and wash it down with his piss.

I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit. It's even better than listening to an Obama speech!

Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer. But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my handkerchief, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom.

I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. I must have had six orgasms in the process.

I often think of Barack Obama dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful democrat.

I sat naked on the bench in the health club locker room, staring at the tiles on the floor between my feet, but really looking at nothing. I was waiting for Barack to decide to come up and talk to me. He was this muscular teenage nigger who frequented the club and had ruined my life in the last few weeks. I was ordered to sit naked on the bench without a towel or anything to cover my nakedness. I had to keep my legs spread and my cock and balls visible for the anyone in the locker room who wanted a look. I knew instantly that it had been a mistake to sign up at the inner city health club which was eighty percent black, but it was near my house and cheap which was even more important.

The harassment had started on my first visit. Dark skinned, muscular black boys bouncing around the locker room with their huge dicks and pendulous sacks of balls swinging, high fiving each other and laughing and rapping, and there I was, this moderately built white guy of thirty two.

I will never forget coming back from the shower and one chocolate skinned thug of about eighteen let out a "weeeeeeeow" kind of sound and then said very loudly to me, loudly enough for all his pals to hear, "White man, how the hell can you fuck wit such a small dick?" They all roared with laughter and I turned bright red. Before I left that first time, I met Barack. He eased up to me while I was packing my gym bag. He is one good looking darkie, I will say that for him. He flashed me a big white toothed smile and said he hoped I wasn't thinking of quitting the club. He said he was friends with the manager and they had my address and shit, and it would be really unfortunate if I decided to quit. Then he laid one large basketball player sized hand on my shoulder and said that he would see me at the same time the next day.

Well, that's how it started. It got worse each time I went to the club. Barack and the other niggers got me to get towels for them, had me scrub their backs in the shower, even made me pick their dirty stinking jock straps up off the floor. They sent their filthy jocks and socks home with me to wash for them.

Now let me state here once and for all, that I am in no way at all gay. I don't think I ever even had a gay thought. So all of this really repulsed me. They would brush up against me so their big fat black dicks rubbed my body. They would make constant jokes about me being a faggot.

So I had it out with Barack. I told him I was a single parent with a thirteen year old daughter and in no way gay, and I wanted to quit the club. That mention of my daughter was the biggest mistake of my life. Barack demanded to see a photo of her. Her name is Crissy. After that, all they talked about was "Crissy the Cunt" in the locker room.

"Some fourteen year old school boy probably shoving his dick in her right now while you is at da club." They would say things like that. Barack would ask, "Do you suppose she had ever sucked black dick?" I told them she was totally innocent, and they should keep their foul mouths to themselves. They beat the shit out of me.

I didn't go to the club for a week. All the windows were broken on my car, and my newspaper was stolen, and somebody pissed all over our door. I received a package at work, and when I opened it, there was a pile of shit in a box. I was going nuts with anguish. I thought of going to the police, but I knew I would face even worse if I did. So I went back to the club. That was two months ago. A lot had happened in those two months.

Now I sat waiting for Barack to speak with me. He walked up, stark naked. The first thing I saw were his huge brown feet next to me. I looked up at his long muscular legs. How could I miss the seven inch flaccid dick, thick as a flashlight and the ball sack that looked like it had oranges in it. It was fucking obscene. His stomach was hard and tight. His ass was one of those round tight nigger bubble butts. His chest well defined with large nipples. He had a killer smile, thick nigger lips, and dark flashing eyes that often looked drugged. He had only recently gotten out of reform school for molesting a girl on the playground.

"So, my man, how's that little dick of yours hangin'?"

I spread my legs wider so he could see my pathetic shriveled white prick and small ball sack. If I didn't keep myself on display for them at all times, they would have a wet towel snapping session where my scrotum was the target. It hurt like hell and was totally humiliating.

"So, bro, is everything set up for tomorrow?" He stood close to me...so close that his huge flaccid hunk of fuck meat brushed my shoulder. His dick was so huge, it was just fucking obscene, and that was in its flaccid state. He had not showered yet, and his body reeked of the nigger stink of his workout.

"Please. Please don't do this. I know I agreed, but that was after you had beaten me almost senseless. Please, isn't there some other way?"

He lifted one leg and put his foot on the bench next to me. His gigantic balls swung back and forth in their fleshy sack.

"Dere is no other fucking way, man. You don't wanna even think of what we gonna do to you next time you disobeys us. Dere is no other way. Now it so happens dat I needs me a new girlfriend, and your pretty little daughter fills da bill."

I felt my stomach turn over. I tried to relax, to breath deeply, but I felt like I was choking. This teenage nigger thug was talking about my daughter. My little Crissy. My thirteen year old angel. He had announced to me that he wanted her to become his girlfriend! Jesus Christ!

At first I had bluntly refused, letting my anger and disgust show. All the niggers in the club gathered around me, about fifteen of them, and Barack announced that I was racially prejudiced and didn't want him dating his white daughter. They started to slap and punch me.

"It's not that. Honest to God, I swear, it's not that you are black. It's that she is only thirteen. She's my innocent baby!"

Barack roared with laughter. "Any bitch of thirteen is totally ready for dick! She probably sucking da boys at school every day anyway by now." He looked at the photo of her which he had taken from me. "Yeah, she got real cocksucker lips, she shore do!"

"Oh God no, she's just a baby." I was crying in front of all of them.

"No, daddy, you gots it wrong. She is a babe...not a baby. Dat pretty little pussy is ready for some nigger popping!" Half the niggers surrounding me were getting hard ons, and I don't there there was one under eight and a half inches.

For weeks I had argued, begged, pleaded, tried to bargain with Barack, but he only wanted one thing. My daughter's virgin pussy. Once I stood up to them and told them I would go to the police. They had dragged me naked and screaming into the health club bathroom and forced me to eat turds out of the toilet bowl. I was sick for two days. The next time I went to the club, Barack had made me suck his dick. That was the first time I saw it erect. Over twelve inches of throbbing leaking nigger cock. I had a panic attack and literally tried to run out of the club. They held me down on a bench and Barack fed me his black fuck meat. His balls almost suffocated me. His dick choked me. He even made me suck his ass. What could I do? I agreed to let them have my daughter. I know, I am an awful man. A sinner. It is unforgivable, but I am scared out of my wits.

"So, tomorrow, I comes over to yo house dressed up real good. You introduce me to yo bitch daughter. Now when I sees her, dis is how I wants her dressed. A very tight tee shirt dat says printed on it, "I Love Nigga Dick!" She will wear no bra under it so I can see the tips of her budding little titties through the material. Den she is to wear her nice pleated cheer leader skirt like in da photo, only I don want her to wear no panties under it. From now on, yo daughter is forbidden to ever wear any panties. We want dat fresh young cunt and ass ready and available at all times. I want you to have some really top drawer booze at yo house ready for me. I am not sure what I will want, so you better have enough to satisfy me, whatever my taste might be. Who da fuck knows, I may want a cosmo, or maybe some of dat Louis XIII Brandy dat costs three hundred dollars. You better have it all. After I has a drink, you pretty little bitch and I gonna sit on da couch and get acquainted. Dat means you as da daddy get to watch me finger her cunt and play wit her titties. You gets to see her meet my big fat old dick and even lick and suck it a little. I always insists on sex on da first date, cause how else you know how a bitch perform, right? Shit, I insist on sex on every date. I mean dat is da only reason for da fucking date..to plow some pussy! Right? Otherwise I'd rather hang wit da home boys. Now she gonna be a little uptight and scared at firs...right? Specially when she see my dick and she know dat huge motherfucker is gonna plow her virgin twat! Oh yea, if she got any hair on her cunt yet, you make sure she shave it all off before tomorrow. I wanna see bald thirteen year old pussy."

While he said all of this to me at the health club, his dick got thicker and thicker and long strings of pre-fuck started to hang from the fat pisshole.

"Please don't hurt her...please." I was shaking in my naked agony.

"Hurt her? No why the fuck would I hurt my new girlfriend? I gonna love her. I gonna show her da pleasures of lovemaking. Shore, it gonna hurt a little da first time I ram my twelve and a half inch motherfucking dick balls deep into her tight little teenage pussy. Shore it gonna hurt when I pounds her as hard as I can, and den pull out and shove it as hard as I can up her little asshole. Shore dat gonna hurt a little, but dat is jus' part of growin' up. A her daddy, you understand dat. Right? Better to hab some nice boy like me who wants her for his girlfriend fucking her, den every boy at school who don't give a shit about her.

"Now don't you worry, I gonna take her into the bedroom to fuck her cunt and ass. I think dat is private. I mean, you can watch da first time she suck my balls and lick my dick and such. But fucking is between a guy and his girlfriend. I wants you dere at the start...at the sucking part, cause she is gonna be scared like I say, and you can calm her. Tell her it is a natural part of life, and she just gotta learn to please a man. She, she shoulda learned dat couple of years ago already. She is a late bloomer.

Now I am gonna want to use her bedroom for da first fuck,cause I wants to fuck her little bitch body in her teenage bed, wit all her teenage shit around. It will be so hot. But den, I is moving into your master bedroom. You can sleep on da couch. I wants a nice big bed and luxury for future fucks. I gotta fuck at least three times a day, usually more. Now of course I still going to be bangin' other cunt, but I will fuck your daughter regularly cause she is my number one girlfriend. My special bitch. I ain't gonna introduce her to my bros until after I fuck her for a week or so. Den when she broken in, I gonna share her with all da boys from dis here health club. Dere about twenty of us here as you know, so she gonna be pretty busy sucking nigga dick and getting ass and cunt fucked. We gonna do mos' of it over at yo house. You have lots of food dere at all times fo my brothers when dey comes over to fuck your daughter. Since she be fucking most every day all day and night from now on, I suggest you apply to home school her. Dat way, she don't even need to think about school and she can concentrate on nigga cock all da time."

"Please, please use condoms...." I had tears running down my face.

Barack roared with laughter. "Condoms? Shit...no. We never use condoms. It ruins da fuck. Dat little bitch gonna be pregnant in a couple of weeks at mos'. You gonna be da grand daddy of a nigga chile! And who knows. She young. If she stay tight enough and cute enough, maybe we fuck her for three or four years, you know, pass her around, pimp her out. Shit, she still young enough. She could hab five or six nigga babies! We don' allow no abortions. She gonna breed. Now my brothers and daddy be comin' over lots to fuck her too, so you better have lots of keys to yo house made, or jus' leave the fucking place unlocked. She don't leave da house without permission. I would hate it for both of you if some black bro comes over for a good hard fuck, and she not dere! Now I know you worried about her. Don' be. After a few days of getting nigga dick, she gonna love it so much, dat all she gonna live for. I seen it in young white bitches lots of times. Someday she gonna thank you for all dis. I mean how many girls her age so lucky to get ten to fifteen black cocks a day? Long as her pussy and asshole hold up, she be happy. One thing, she gonna hab to be a really good cocksucker, cause One thig is dat when da boys in my hood meet up wit guys from other gangs...we got dis thing. We hab our girlfriends suck da cocks of all da members of the other gangs, as kind of a peace signal, you know, a sign dat we is kewl and everything is okay. So she gonna pretty much hab a dick in her mouth twenty-four seven for da next few months. She gonna be sucking on nigga dick even when she getting fucked by my bros. Dis house gonna be pretty packed full of black boys! Now, after a bitch has sucked fifteen to twenty dicks a day, she often get a real tired jaw and swollen lips and a sore tongue, so you gonna have to tell her no matter how tired she get, da last dick of da day she suck, gets jus' as good a suck as da first one in da morning. You gotta make sue she understand that. I can't have no bad reports from rival gangs dat my bitch can't suck!

Now we gots one more problem. Da little bitch gonna be so busy getting fucked and sucking dick, she ain't gonna hab no proper time to clean up da dicks after dey fuck her cunt and ass! You know it da bitch's job to clean a dick wit her mouth after a brother fuck her. I mean, you can't expect a brother to walk around wit pussy slime or ass juice on his dick. But she gonna be so busy, she ain't always gonna hab time to clean up, so you my friend is going to have to step up to da plate to help her. You gonna be the official dick cleaner. You gonna lick and suck da dicks clean after dey fuck yo bitch of a daughter. I want you naked on you hands and knees at all times around da house, ready to lick and suck dick clean. And you gonna do a fine job too, I just know it. You get all dat stink off da cock. Maybe you can entertain da brothers waiting next in line to fuck yo daughter too by lickig dere balls and assholes. I never thought of dat until just now. Hot damn, dat is a good idea, ain't it? So dey don't get bored while dey waitin. And den, to keep your daughter fresh and tight, after every three or four fucks, you gonna crawl in and suck the nigga cum right outta her pussy and asshole. Think how great dat is. You gonna get to suck some thirteen year old pussy and asshole! How lucky is dat? You gonna clean out her cunt real good with yo tongue so it is ready for da next nigga.

We gonna be da happiest family you ever seen! Now come on, white boy, suck my dick, can't you see it dripping all over da floor?"

I put my mouth over the head of the huge leaking hunk of fuckmeat, and resigned myself and my daughter to our new destiny.

Re:homosex is sinful (-1, Flamebait)

jpate (1356395) | about 5 years ago | (#28698093)

tldr

Re:homosex is sinful (1)

timberwolf753 (1064802) | about 5 years ago | (#28698459)

Wow you took an awful lot of time to write this and demonstrate the power of fail on the internet. Lets give a round of apploses fellow slashdotters with the Slashdot Award of Troll.

Re:homosex is sinful (1)

ocularDeathRay (760450) | about 5 years ago | (#28698557)

"Sauce code" FTW!

A year? (3, Insightful)

geekoid (135745) | about 5 years ago | (#28698077)

that's pretty damn good time to move a system.

Now f they could drop tues, thurs and sat mail service they would save a bundle.

Re:A year? (1)

MrEricSir (398214) | about 5 years ago | (#28698205)

Or they could just keep jacking up the rates every year like they always do.

Re:A year? (4, Informative)

rnaiguy (1304181) | about 5 years ago | (#28698297)

rates are pegged to rise no faster than inflation, so not really: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_United_States_postage_rates [wikipedia.org]

Re:A year? (1)

jedidiah (1196) | about 5 years ago | (#28698389)

Is that actual inflation or the bogus inflation numbers the feds like to publish?

Re:A year? (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698571)

or like how I inflated your mom last night?

Only one year? (2, Interesting)

shadowbearer (554144) | about 5 years ago | (#28698315)

  That was my thought, too. That's pretty impressive. If it's true, whoever coordinated the move really knew what they were doing. Maybe we should elect them to the highest office in 2012 ;)

  I don't think they should drop any service, tho. But then I've never understood why Sundays were considered a "day off", even. It's just another day, no matter what religious people or anyone else consider it to be. The sun rises, the sun sets, there's nothing to differentiate it from any other day, outside of some superstitious people who happen to have had influence.

  Hey, it's a capitalistic society we live in, right? We should all be working 24/7/365+1/4, right? For the greater good?

  Pardon my sarcasm. Or don't. I do my penance on my days off. Like today. Penance being doing laundry, housework, cleaning out the cat boxes, working on the peace treaty with my SO, fixing odds and ends, etc. It's enough. Tomorrow will be another twelve hours of busting my ass saving people from the errors of their ways*. ;)

  *I speak literally, there. I make most of my money being a maintenance person for apartment buildings.

  SB

Re:Only one year? (2, Interesting)

Cowmonaut (989226) | about 5 years ago | (#28698461)

Remember, in less then a century ago atheism was a big taboo. Like it or not the idea of a single God has been part of the majority of American's religious beliefs since the founding. Recently the principals that were set down before that are being shaped into an "america for everybody" have been making it less of a pain in the ass to not believe in a Christian God so maybe in time we'll get mail on Sundays as well.

Re:Only one year? (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698503)

Why would you get mail on Sunday you dumb dork? Mail volume is declining because your fukin generation text messages everyone. Taking a shit? Send them a message on Twitter. Just stubbed your toe? Send a tweet. Scratched your ass? Tell the few losers that follow you on Twitter.
When you start using the USPS for that type of information, then there will be Sunday deliveries.

Re:Only one year? (1)

shadowbearer (554144) | about 5 years ago | (#28698589)

  Believe me, I know. I couldn't have formed the sarcasm I did if I wasn't aware of the last couple centuries worth of history ;)

  Anyone who lacks a sense of humor can take from my post what they wanted to....

SB

FIRST SOCK PUPPET (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698079)

ME TOO!

Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (0, Flamebait)

HTH NE1 (675604) | about 5 years ago | (#28698085)

Except it's GNU/Linux running COBOL code.

I'm sure I could get a dramatic speed improvement running Apple II 6502 code on an emulator on a Mac Pro simply because the emulator can run faster than the original hardware.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (5, Insightful)

geekoid (135745) | about 5 years ago | (#28698107)

Your point?
There isn't anything wrong with COBOL for these kind of transactions.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (0)

HTH NE1 (675604) | about 5 years ago | (#28698243)

Your point?
There isn't anything wrong with COBOL for these kind of transactions.

Sure, so long as you never need to make any changes to the code. The surviving COBOL coders have gone back into comfortable retirement with the money they made fixing Y2K. So they've moved from old iron to a modern operating system; they could still reap even more benefits by recoding for modern languages and coding practices.

But then, this is the US Postal Service. COBOL's probably fast enough for the task.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1)

Nimey (114278) | about 5 years ago | (#28698301)

Believe it or not, my alma mater teaches a 1-semester COBOL class. Nothing terribly modern (Cobol-85 when I took the course in '01), no object-oriented stuff, but apparently we're in demand from certain companies.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (5, Interesting)

erroneus (253617) | about 5 years ago | (#28698335)

Have you ever coded in COBOL? I have. It is EXTREMELY easy. It is quite close to English and is not at all cryptic. I believe nearly any coder with any experience and a language reference guide can read through code and make changes were needed. It has been almost 10 years since I last wrote a PIC statement, but I am quite confident that not only I, but just about anyone could do it. While I think the stories about pulling old programmers out of mothballs (retirement) is rather heartening, I think they are blowing the problem out of proportion. What these companies should be doing is hiring experienced and mature coders who can learn COBOL then send them to school.

What I find disheartening is the fact that businesses are no longer able to see education and training of employees as a worthwhile investment. (I know why they probably don't see it as worthwhile and it has a lot to do with employee loyalty, but I have to insist that the problem of loyalty didn't really happen until employers started treating their employees as disposable... they have no qualms with firing and laying off people at-will and yet they expect employees to be loyal? Get real!)

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1)

ioshhdflwuegfh (1067182) | about 5 years ago | (#28698489)

I believe nearly any coder with any experience and a language reference guide can read through code and make changes w[h]ere needed.

And any coder with no knowledge of any other programming language would find COBOL enjoyable to code in.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1)

WindowlessView (703773) | about 5 years ago | (#28698623)

Don't be so sure. Back in the day it looked pretty good coming from assembler, especially when you realized they were going to pay you the same amount of money. And most people today don't realize what a pain in the ass pre-ANSI C was.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (4, Interesting)

WindowlessView (703773) | about 5 years ago | (#28698341)

they could still reap even more benefits by recoding for modern languages and coding practices

Maybe. The fact is it appears they successfully migrated the system to a new platform within a year. I have seen many "modern" systems still jerking around with UML after a year and I can't count how many were never brought fruition.

But then, this is the US Postal Service. COBOL's probably fast enough for the task.

COBOL has a lot of issues but speed isn't a big one. I'm willing to bet that on tasks that are appropriate to COBOL it would kick most "modern" scripting languages asses in terms of speed.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698443)

Given that cobol compilers don't have to worry about complicated things like types, dynamic binding, variable length arrays or recursion....

I could write a fast compiler to if it didn't have to do anything but loops and linear subroutines...

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1)

WindowlessView (703773) | about 5 years ago | (#28698541)

Sounds to me like you are arguing my side of the case, whether you realize it or not. COBOL is not meant for all kinds of problems but it is very good at what it does, particularly things like transaction processing.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698505)

Having run personally comparisons of Cobol to Modern coding languages on the same box, Cobol kicks but due to the much lower overhead per transaction. And Assembler is even faster.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (5, Insightful)

Abcd1234 (188840) | about 5 years ago | (#28698277)

I'm sure I could get a dramatic speed improvement running Apple II 6502 code on an emulator on a Mac Pro simply because the emulator can run faster than the original hardware.

Given that it took 1400 Linux boxes to handle the load, I'd say your post is, at best ignorant, at worst, a blatant troll.

a) Just because it's COBOL, doesn't mean it was running on crappy hardware.

b) COBOL is far from dead, in that many applications running today are written in it. Believe it or not, it makes more sense to continue to run that old code than to rewrite from scratch in the latest shiny because they already know *it works*.

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (1)

shadowbearer (554144) | about 5 years ago | (#28698455)

b) COBOL is far from dead, in that many applications running today are written in it. Believe it or not, it makes more sense to continue to run that old code than to rewrite from scratch in the latest shiny because they already know *it works*.

  That's because those boxes had thousands of people working on them over the years.

  Don't confuse good codebase with millions of hours of effort. That's comparing fruits to vegetables...

  So says my brother, anyway, who made a fortune off of fixing non-Y2K compliant machines.

  Me, I was fixing windows home boxes at the time, and just laughed. Mostly. ;)

SB

Re:Sure, runs on GNU/Linux (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698547)

Except it's GNU/Linux running COBOL code.

I'm sure I could get a dramatic speed improvement running Apple II 6502 code on an emulator on a Mac Pro simply because the emulator can run faster than the original hardware.

Its only syntax right?

Thats why so many CS grads here say it doesn't matter what language you learn to code in, as long as you know how to think?

Now? (2, Funny)

arizwebfoot (1228544) | about 5 years ago | (#28698101)

With all those "savings" are we going to see a decrease in the cost of postage?

Oh wait...

Re:Now? (5, Insightful)

hedwards (940851) | about 5 years ago | (#28698181)

What are you whining about? The cost of postage has historically risen at a lower rate than inflation. Meaning that stamps do cost less, just not in face value.

Re:Now? (5, Insightful)

je ne sais quoi (987177) | about 5 years ago | (#28698337)

Not only that, I just checked and according to fedex it costs $7.39 to mail that same letter from coast to coast for their cheapest option. That's only what, nearly 17 times more expensive? Travel times are 5 days compared to about 7 for the USPS, not much faster. I'm sure the libertarians will chime in that they could do that much cheaper if the (subsidized) USPS weren't in the way, but I suspect it would be like the way that CD prices went down after the technology became established, or the way that cable and telephone prices went down after the markets were deregulated (i.e., they didn't). Bottom line is that the USPS is an astonishingly inexpensive with a low failure rate for the price. It's a great service that our government provides. While I'm glad that they are saving this money, I'd rather that they put it to work on avoiding reductions in service or balancing their budget rather than reducing the price of postage.

Re:Now? (0)

timmarhy (659436) | about 5 years ago | (#28698401)

"Not only that, I just checked and according to fedex it costs $7.39 to mail that same letter from coast to coast for their cheapest option. That's only what, nearly 17 times more expensive?"

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

Re:Now? (5, Informative)

langedb (518453) | about 5 years ago | (#28698435)

"Not only that, I just checked and according to fedex it costs $7.39 to mail that same letter from coast to coast for their cheapest option. That's only what, nearly 17 times more expensive?"

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

Umm, the USPS is self-funded. None of your tax dollars go towards supporting their operation source [usps.com]

Re:Now? (5, Informative)

Jah-Wren Ryel (80510) | about 5 years ago | (#28698491)

Umm, the USPS is self-funded. None of your tax dollars go towards supporting their operation source

That's a little misleading - it hasn't always been that way, so a lot of the USPS infrastructure is tax-payer funded.
In addition, they come around every once and a while and ask for money from Congress - they are doing it this year [infowars.com] and while I am hazy on the details, I believe they did something similar about a decade ago in order to fix funding problems with their pension system. Plus, they have a monopoly on letter delivery - that's why fedex costs so much more, they have to classify and price it as something other than a letter - so that's an indirect tax by government intervention to prevent a free market.

Re:Now? (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698457)

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

You mean... zero?

http://www.usps.com/communications/newsroom/postalfacts.htm

Re:Now? (3, Informative)

yali (209015) | about 5 years ago | (#28698475)

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

Gee whiz, I don't know whether I can handle the math. Somebody help me out, what's 44 cents minus zero [slate.com] ?

Re:Now? (1)

CrimsonScythe (876496) | about 5 years ago | (#28698499)

None, actually. The USPS, iirc, is financed entirely by the postage paid for letters and packages. For instance, look here [usps.com] :

0: Tax dollars received for operating the Postal Service

Re:Now? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698523)

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

He already did, the USPS doesn't receive any tax money, it's self supporting.

Re:Now? (1)

samkass (174571) | about 5 years ago | (#28698551)

factor in how much of your tax dollars when into that and then get back to us with a valid point....

That's pretty easy to do. The USPS publishes annual reports [usps.com] just like a company. According to the 2008 annual report [usps.com] , the USPS took in about $75B in revenue, had about $78B in operating costs, and had a contribution of about $3B from the US government. That's about 3% of its costs covered by your taxes.

What's your point again?

Re:Now? (1)

TubeSteak (669689) | about 5 years ago | (#28698395)

What are you whining about? The cost of postage has historically risen at a lower rate than inflation. Meaning that stamps do cost less, just not in face value.

The cost of first class mail has gone up while the cost of 2nd & 3rd class mail (junk mail, catalogs, magazines, etc) has gone down.
Not exactly what you'd expect.

Re:Now? (1)

afabbro (33948) | about 5 years ago | (#28698437)

Actually, it's historically risen at a rate equal to the rate of inflation.

The question is...why!?!? Every year the automation is better and more prevalent, the systems better, the methods improved, etc. Postage should be getting cheaper. As it is, paralleling the rate of inflation was true from 1950 to 2000. One would think that computerization, zip codes, etc. would have had some effect.

Re:Now? (1)

wiredlogic (135348) | about 5 years ago | (#28698517)

The last few cost increases have been primarily to cover the 1 billion dollar endowment Congress ordered them to create. There is also the rising cost of the pensions for the retirees who were working in the inefficient stone age of the mail service to take into account.

Re:Now? (1)

Macrat (638047) | about 5 years ago | (#28698203)

The postage costs pay for all those million dollar homes the Post Office buys when relocating managers.

Re:Now? (4, Insightful)

basementman (1475159) | about 5 years ago | (#28698211)

Yeah it's totally insane that we are charged a whole $0.44 to reliably send any piece of paper over 3,000 miles to it's precise recipient in a matter of days. This is the kind of technological marvel that future societies will be looking back in awe of.

Re:Now? (5, Insightful)

MozeeToby (1163751) | about 5 years ago | (#28698317)

You're really complaining about $.50 for the level of service you get from the USPS? For that price, you can send a standard letter anywhere in the US (including the non-continental US) usually arriving in less than 5 days with a loss rate of virtually zero. They deliver mail to (nearly) every address in the US 6 days a week, and will even come to check for outgoing if you don't have any incoming. They even manage to deliver when the roads are absolute shit and no one in their right mind would be out and about.

All for a price that has actually been decreasing over the years if you take into account inflation, let alone the increases in gas prices that have occurred over the last 10 years. Personally, I think that's pretty damn good and wouldn't complain if they raised the price to an even dollar, it would still be under priced for the service they provide.

Re:Now? (0, Troll)

afabbro (33948) | about 5 years ago | (#28698441)

For that price, you can send a standard letter anywhere in the US (including the non-continental US) usually arriving in less than 5 days with a loss rate of virtually zero.

Oh man, you're killing me. Good one.

Re:Now? (5, Interesting)

RyuuzakiTetsuya (195424) | about 5 years ago | (#28698371)

Last week on Top Gear, they raced a standard letter sent via standard post in the UK from the south of the UK to the far north of the UK and the letter won.

Total cost of the stamp? A fraction of a pound.

The US is very similar. A little slower due to the extreme distances mail has to route to, but, i'd wager on mail versus delivering it yourself anyday. Not only that it's *cheap*

Looks like (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698105)

Someone needs to get the facts!

If they switched to Windows instead, they'd probably see twice the savings.

Just ask the London Stock Exchange.

Find It Yourself (5, Funny)

Kenshin (43036) | about 5 years ago | (#28698131)

They moved their package tracking system to Linux? I wonder if, when you ask it where your shipment is, it will tell you to find it yourself in a condescending manner.

Re:Find It Yourself (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698151)

They'll tell you to Read The Fucking Mail.

Re:Find It Yourself (5, Funny)

geekoid (135745) | about 5 years ago | (#28698165)

When you request the location of your package, it just sneers at you and says "Google is your friend."

Re:Find It Yourself (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698275)

your sig: New punctuation: "~" at the end of a line to indicate 'Snarky'. http://harns.blogspot.com/ [blogspot.com]

Snarky isn't a word (yet), it's just something made up by Americans. It's not in any print dictionaries. And generally the definition is not well understood, even dict.org doesn't have it. And askoxford and wikitionary have brief and unclear definitions. Also special punctuation for "added clarity", seems like an excuse for people who can't write with clarity. Use your words!

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

HTH NE1 (675604) | about 5 years ago | (#28698365)

Snarky isn't a word (yet), it's just something made up by Americans. It's not in any print dictionaries. And generally the definition is not well understood, even dict.org doesn't have it. And askoxford and wikitionary have brief and unclear definitions. Also special punctuation for "added clarity", seems like an excuse for people who can't write with clarity. Use your words!

Marshal Biggs: This is hinky, this guy's a college graduate, he went to medical school, he's not gonna come through all the security, go to the county lockup, to find someone his own people say does not exist. Hinky.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Well, what does that mean Biggs, "hinky"?
Marshal Biggs: I don't know. Strange.
Marshal Henry: Weird.
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Well, why don't you say strange or weird? I mean, "hinky", that has no meaning.
Marshal Biggs: Well, we say "hinky".
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: I don't want you guys using words around me that have no meaning. I'm taking the stairs and walking.
Marshal Biggs: [sotto voice] How about "bullshit"? How about "bullshit", Sam?

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

mrsquid0 (1335303) | about 5 years ago | (#28698561)

>Snarky isn't a word (yet), it's just something made up by Americans. It's not in any print dictionaries.

It is in the OED, which is pretty much the gold standard of English language dictionaries.

Re:Find It Yourself (5, Informative)

Jah-Wren Ryel (80510) | about 5 years ago | (#28698445)

When you request the location of your package, it just sneers at you and says "Google is your friend."

That's actually true.

Type/paste a tracking number from any of the major shippers into google and it will automagically figure out that is a tracking number and will show you the current status.

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

LoadWB (592248) | about 5 years ago | (#28698199)

They do not have to rely on Linux for that kind of answer. I believe that was installed a long time ago under the L/GFY license.

But this begs the question, in terms of performance differences, how old was the iron running Solaris?

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

Penguinshit (591885) | about 5 years ago | (#28698273)

So old it was bronze...

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

godrik (1287354) | about 5 years ago | (#28698263)

I wonder if I will receive open source packages.

Re:Find It Yourself (1)

thatkid_2002 (1529917) | about 5 years ago | (#28698267)

Daniel@mgn-ws06:~> where is my package?
bash: where: command not found

I addressed the package to my $HOME, and ls shows nothing here... I checked my pwd and I am at the same place as the $HOME and it does not turn up in any other $PATH

Re:Find It Yourself (5, Insightful)

digitalhermit (113459) | about 5 years ago | (#28698377)

That was uncalled for. A Linux user will ask you very politely if the package bar code was code128 or some other zebra coding technology. Someone will pipe in that back in his day, there were no barcoded ZIPs, just hand written numbers written in brown crayon on a cardboard box. Someone else will chime in that back in his day, you were lucky if it had the country on it, much less a ZIP code. Someone else will tell you that UPS uses a system called PLD and you need to look at the 1Z label code and direct you to ups.com. Someone will call that person an idiot and say that USPS is not UPS. Someone else will ask, "Why are you trying to track your package? Tell us what you really want to accomplish."

(I kid, I kid. I'm a Linux user through and through.)

Blue stamps (-1, Troll)

LeoPercepied (1564829) | about 5 years ago | (#28698139)

Damit.. now I'll never complete my collection of BSOD stamps...

Re:Blue stamps (1)

LeoPercepied (1564829) | about 5 years ago | (#28698303)

Article: "...which was based on a Sun Solaris environment." Me: You should pay attention before posting. Me: Oh, ok.

Score 0: Trite (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698157)

Submitted with the headline "Linux Penguin goes postal."

Re:Score 0: Trite (1)

speedingant (1121329) | about 5 years ago | (#28698405)

Wish I had mod points... made me lol

Hope it wasn't Ubuntu (3, Funny)

blakedev (1397081) | about 5 years ago | (#28698175)

Tracking's going to waste a lot of time playing around with Compiz instead of working.

Re:Hope it wasn't Ubuntu (1)

TENTH SHOW JAM (599239) | about 5 years ago | (#28698473)

You do have a point. The fact that Ubuntu Server doesn't come with XWindows or in fact anything installed shouldn't enter into it. :-)

Although it's nice to see GNU/Linux winning where it was technically the best and cheapest option rather than something mandated by a manager who has just been wined and dined by big business. (Works for public service somewhere. Sees this scenario again and again)

Track your shipment (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698201)

Will shipment tracking still be 4 days behind? Currently, it is a total waste to pay extra for tracking. My package is received with USPS still says it has been scanned but not shipped yet.

Well, not completely open source (2, Interesting)

e9th (652576) | about 5 years ago | (#28698241)

I see they used the Micro Focus [microfocus.com] COBOL compiler, which is not FOSS by a long shot.

You better lose the Jews, whitey (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698249)

With Jews you lose so to win you must lose the Jews.

Postfix! (5, Funny)

Penguinshit (591885) | about 5 years ago | (#28698251)

Now they can run a couple of Postfix servers and put themselves out of business!

Re:Postfix! (1)

godrik (1287354) | about 5 years ago | (#28698409)

just have to put stuff in /var/mail.

Get off my lawn (5, Funny)

jmcbain (1233044) | about 5 years ago | (#28698255)

Only old people use physical mail these days.

If you're 30-something, you rely on email.

If you're in your 20s, you use IM

If you're 13 like me, it's all Twitter, all the time. Bonus: I have no need to receive packages because I shoplift everything.

Re:Get off my lawn (-1, Offtopic)

XPeter (1429763) | about 5 years ago | (#28698345)

Woa, a few tidbits.

-Your not 13. I don't care if you say so, I will not be deprived of my "Youngest Slashdotter" title.
-When you shoplift, your not supposed to admit it.
-Please hand in your junior geek card, twitter is unacceptable.

Cobol? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698307)

Are they going to switch to the new, object oriented Cobol,
Add 1 to Cobol

Why I hate Linux (0, Offtopic)

lymond01 (314120) | about 5 years ago | (#28698319)

I used the USPS online system for creating my own package postage. I overestimated everything and the person who received the package still owed postage. If Linux can't do simple addition, I don't want my tax dollars paying for it. I'll just FedEx everything from now on...at least then I'm not wondering if I'm getting screwed or not. It's a given.

[CLICK] That was the sarcasm filter turning off for those of you who didn't notice.

Re:Why I hate Linux (1)

godrik (1287354) | about 5 years ago | (#28698423)

If you had recompile the arithmetic module of your browser, it would have been ok. Fucking noob can't read the documentations...

i cant stand this shit anymore (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698339)

I am so fucking sick of trying to make other people's shit spaghetti code work.

Fuck this shit. Fuck the Indian currysucker that wrote it. And fuck the people that are telling me to make this shit work.

Are they already using it? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698343)

Hopefully the new system is better than the last but if they're already using it then I don't notice any improvements.

I rank the USPS tracking somewhere between "pointless" and "worthless". Often I get packages before the tracking system ever registers anything at all. Even if it does update it's usually 2 days behind the actual status of the package. Pretty stupid.

With that said, USPS is pretty decent as far as speed versus cost. I rank them just slightly faster than FedEx and way faster than UPS when using the lower-end and economy methods.

Boy, what efficiency... (4, Interesting)

jnaujok (804613) | about 5 years ago | (#28698355)

1300 servers, processing 40 million transactions a day... that's about 30,800 transactions per server. Or one transaction every 2.8 seconds or so. With an entire Linux box dedicated to it.

I work in the scan processing group at FedEx. At peak, we see over 100,000,000 transactions a day. And that's handled on 45 linux boxes, and 12 more for the database, doing upwards of 6000 transactions per second during bursts. That's a peak of about 133 transactions per second, per box. That's a little better than 0.3 TPS for the Post Office. So we have about 400 times the performance with 5% of the hardware. By that margin, I could do their processing with about 25 boxes total. That would mean another 98% savings on hardware alone.

For some reason, I fail to be really impressed that they've gone from "Crappy performance and Expensive" to "Crappy performance and less expensive."

I wonder if I can get the bazillion dollar contract to rewrite their system... No, wait, my name isn't "Boeing" or "Lockheed" or Ken Murtha.

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698403)

yes, but do they run linux?

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (1)

afabbro (33948) | about 5 years ago | (#28698463)

And that's handled on 45 linux boxes, and 12 more for the database, doing upwards of 6000 transactions per second during bursts.

I'm sure they're delighted that you've posted details of their architecture on Slashdot.

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698535)

So what? Idiotic secrecy is a security threat, not a security enhancer, as it downgrades the value of the stuff that should be secret, making it more likely to be compromised.

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (5, Interesting)

BikeHelmet (1437881) | about 5 years ago | (#28698529)

Yeah, but how many post offices are there? Doesn't each post office need one machine to talk to the main cluster?

And do people mail stuff 24 hours per day, or is there a rush hour? Where everything spikes 10x as high?

Do these servers have to do any of that optical character recognition crap to figure out where to mail stuff, or is that handled by whatever company designed that part of the system?

There's plenty of valid reasons for why they *might* need that many servers. It could even be preparations for Christmas. Maybe they keep half of them in reserve for when they're needed?

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698559)

Hardware is cheap in relation to software when it comes to business process optimizations.

Its pretty normal to see not doing a rewrite and just throwing a few more sticks of ram at a problem.

I also assume that those 1300 servers are spread over the entire country and it is not talking about a single location. There would be a lot of overkill on many of the systems.

I also assume those 1300 servers aren't only processing transactions, this was a system wide migration to linux. That would include web servers, intranets, file servers, mail servers (heh), and database servers.

Your ignorance to these points is pretty stupid. Who the hell would need 1300 servers to process that much data. Your math is also way out.

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (5, Funny)

DoofusOfDeath (636671) | about 5 years ago | (#28698599)

o we have about 400 times the performance with 5% of the hardware. By that margin, I could do their processing with about 25 boxes total. That would mean another 98% savings on hardware alone.

Maybe their servers are in the union?

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (5, Interesting)

PsychicX (866028) | about 5 years ago | (#28698615)

The FedEx system doesn't handle hand written letters though, does it? You have to do a shipping label for most (all?) packages, with a digital bar code. USPS runs some very powerful OCR systems; maybe they're making the transactions so expensive. Just a thought.

Re:Boy, what efficiency... (1)

CodeBuster (516420) | about 5 years ago | (#28698619)

I wonder if I can get the bazillion dollar contract to rewrite their system... No, wait, my name isn't "Boeing" or "Lockheed" or Ken Murtha.

Obviously you jest, but it does raise the question: why was this job/service NOT put out for bids? For example in the airline industry American Airlines has such an efficient aircraft maintenance division that other companies, including some of their competitors, pay them to maintain their planes too. If FedEx has such a wonderful scan processing operation then why not offer to do scan processing for external entities on a contract basis? The airline industry is much maligned by the media and the public, but the brutal long-term competition in a business with high costs and razor thin margins has bred some really cost efficient companies with creative money-making strategies (FedEx no doubt shares some of these same qualities due to the similar cutthroat environment in the package delivery business).

COBOL package tracking? (2, Funny)

SEWilco (27983) | about 5 years ago | (#28698419)

This will be helpful the next time I have a COBOL package which I want tracked.

Correction re:twitter (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698431)

"The U$ Po$tal $ervice ha$ moved it$ Cobol package tracking $oftware to HP machine$ running GNU/Linux. 1,300 $erver$ handle 40 million tran$action$ a day and co$t le$$ than the la$t $y$tem, which wa$ ba$ed on a $un $olari$ environment."

Now multiply [slashdot.org] by ~40 or so, and we have a real twitter submi$$ion.

Typical (4, Interesting)

afabbro (33948) | about 5 years ago | (#28698481)

cost less than the last system, which was based on a Sun Solaris environment.

Two thoughts:

  • This seems to be where Linux's strength is - replacing proprietary Unix.
  • How lame does the Sun salesman have to be? He couldn't get the USPS to replace their Sun boxes with Linux Sun boxes (Sun makes a complete line of x86 kit that runs Linux). Instead they went to HP. There's precious little difference between an HP x86 box and a Sun x86 box....all I can think is how lame the Sun salesman must have been.

Distro? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698573)

What I want to know is what distro did they use?

points and laughs (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28698585)

points and laughs at Microsoft :)

Is Linux the Savings or the new package system. (0)

jellomizer (103300) | about 5 years ago | (#28698603)

I would expect the major part of the savings is the fact that they got a new software system which offers more of the savings then what ever license cost windows has to pay for.
Now remember they were using Solaris before so the IT Guys were a bunch of Unix geeks anyways so switching to Linux is a very small learning curve. I think the choice to go to Linux was different then a way to try to directly save money with license costs or even have the availability of Linux source. But more to the fact that...
A. You have a Unionized work force who knows Unix any ways. If you switched to Windows you will need to get windows administrators and keep the Unix guys doing nothing, because Unions make it hard for you to get employees to change.
B. Linux has a wider and more stable drivers and works on more hardware then other Unix venders, so it assures that they are not necessarily stuck with HP.
C. New hires, you have a better chance of Linux Experience then Unix experience nowadays.

That said if a couple of factors had changed they could have run their system off of windows with probably with just as much savings as with Linux. Choosing Linux is mostly an HR issue not a technical one.

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