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Navigating a Geek Marriage?

kdawson posted about 5 years ago | from the waiting-for-taco-to-weigh-in dept.

Communications 1146

JoeLinux writes "I am soon to marry my true love (a girl! yes! they do exist!). She is a literary geek, whereas I am a gaming/Linux geek. Being the RTFM-style geeks that we are, we have been reading up on marriage, making things work, etc. Unfortunately, all of the references seem to be based around an alpha-male jock and a submissive cheerleader-style wife. A lot of the references to incompatibility in the books don't apply to us (neglect due to interest in sports, etc.). What are some of the pitfalls and successes learned in the course of a more geek-oriented marriage?"

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August (0, Offtopic)

ubersoldat2k7 (1557119) | about 5 years ago | (#28953599)

Starting lousy news summer in 3, 2, 1... GO!

Re:August (4, Funny)

worip (1463581) | about 5 years ago | (#28953911)

Someone asking marriage advice on Slashdot (of all places) -> who else can we ask something important? Mmm, probably asking George Bush about achieving world peace!

Re:August (4, Insightful)

Jurily (900488) | about 5 years ago | (#28953961)

Dear OP,

clearly you are not the target audience of those books, throw them out. You two are the only ones who know enough about your relationship to suggest anything, but if your mindset is having fun walking through life together, you'll be better off than thinking about all the things that go wrong. You mostly find what you're looking for, you know.

And if you let it get boring, it will be boring, and probably short, too.

Re:August (2, Interesting)

sopssa (1498795) | about 5 years ago | (#28954143)

Yep, and if nothing else, trying to understand the other one and talk about stuff, without getting mad, is important. And yeah it takes a lot work sometimes.

Also dont let it get boring, even if it easily goes into that. Do stuff together, even if it doesn't interest you. My gf likes it when I do stuff I dont really like with her (those damn freaking clothing stores argh), and I love it when she tries stuff I like. For example she sometimes play games I like and I drink beer and watch her. She didn't like GTA IV, but Vice City was fun. From FPS games she tried left4dead and liked being infected in versus mode, cos you hided and then suddenly attacked the other team. And for me it was nice watching her play and drink a few beers while on it.

I'm not married but in an years long relationship with her, and I've kinda noticed I've let stuff like that slip and more starting to take it for granted. Pretty much forgot lots of presents and happenings too, or was too busy with other stuff and the relationship has gone a bit down. Luckily not too much tho. But its good to keep things like that around. Stuff you did when you had just met and fell in love, and not just take it granted and start being boring :)

Perhaps you can ask your girl (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953617)

A lot of the references to incompatibility in the books don't apply to us (neglect due to interest in sports, etc.).

Sports is an example, not the only cause of neglect. If your girl is a literary geek, she can probably explain this concept to you. Ask her about it when you've finished a gaming or Linux debugging session which prevented you from installing the bookshelf that you promised her 2 weeks ago.

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl (5, Informative)

SerpentMage (13390) | about 5 years ago | (#28953759)

No I think what he is getting at not bookshelf, but self-absorbed.

Here is an example. My wife loves books above everything. Me I work on my computer all the time. On the weekends she is ready ALL THE TIME. Normally this would bother somebody. It did bother her family quite a bit. Me, I did not actually care at all.

So what was the compromise? I have a little desk in the living room with two notebooks that are joined and connected to my trading desk downstairs. Thus when she reads we are both in the same room. Granted not talking much to each other, but still together. That is I think what he is getting at.

Whenever we buy a house we always make sure that my office is big enough so that the couch, TV, and my computer array fits in. Thus she spends most of her time in my office. This time our house has the office in the bunker (seriously its a bunker) and its too damp and hence we put a little table in the living room.

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl (4, Funny)

SerpentMage (13390) | about 5 years ago | (#28953777)

Oops make that "On the weekends she is READING..." LOL...

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl (0)

Necroloth (1512791) | about 5 years ago | (#28953809)

lol, I thought you were giving a bit too much detail and bragging and then being /. I would have no doubt come up with some witty quip ... thanks, spoilsport! :p

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953947)

Paging Dr. Freud. Dr.Freud to the reading room.

What does it say about me that I actually read "reading" instead of "ready"? Can't be too good.

Re:Perhaps you can ask your girl (3, Insightful)

loki_tiwaz (982852) | about 5 years ago | (#28954131)

I have a geek friend, she's more of a punk freak geek but still, geeky, and she and her WoW addict man have got the same basic issues as your average non-geek couple. I suspect those books you are reading are equally applicable just substitute your relevant geek interests and geek social networks and it should all be much the same (assuming the books are not just pop psychology twaddle).

Intriguing (5, Funny)

Noam.of.Doom (934040) | about 5 years ago | (#28953629)

Being in a similar situation, I'd also be interested in hearing suggestions from married geeks with more XP

Re:Intriguing (2)

SlashWombat (1227578) | about 5 years ago | (#28953689)

H'mm, you must NOT be a real geek, since for a real geek, the saying goes

When ALL else fails, RTFM!

(Besides, your getting married ... Never the less, I suppose your going to live with your mother ...

Re:Intriguing (1)

Lillebo (1561251) | about 5 years ago | (#28954055)

Syntax error: Missing closing ")"

Re:Intriguing (1)

polar red (215081) | about 5 years ago | (#28954159)

with more XP

oh, marriage is with Levels ...

Just replace sports with raids. (2, Funny)

danhm (762237) | about 5 years ago | (#28953633)

Neglect due to interest in World of Warcraft.

Re:Just replace sports with raids. (1)

X0563511 (793323) | about 5 years ago | (#28953845)

> (WoWPlayer < Geek) == true;
< 1

Yeah ditch WoW or... (3, Funny)

z0mb13e (1492637) | about 5 years ago | (#28953889)

...it could all end in a Geek Tragedy! I'm sorry...

Forget the books (5, Insightful)

fazz (122375) | about 5 years ago | (#28953635)

Intelligent people do not need the kind of rubberstamp advice you find in self-help books. As long you remain honest, open and calm, you are very well off. Not doing stupid thing like playing WoW (ATTN! compare to watching football with you buddies and sipping beer) through your anniversary helps, too.

Re:Forget the books (3, Insightful)

EvilIdler (21087) | about 5 years ago | (#28953737)

...unless raiding together IS what the two of them like to do for their anniversary :P

Re:Forget the books (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953753)

Is that what you kids call it these days?

Re:Forget the books (1)

Moraelin (679338) | about 5 years ago | (#28953825)

I can testify that that's what my mom and dad did. Quite literally.

Re:Forget the books (1)

Beriaru (954082) | about 5 years ago | (#28953747)

Give her attention, don't think of her as your personal servant, and in general, survive. Nothing less, nothing more...

Re:Forget the books (1)

RicRoc (41406) | about 5 years ago | (#28953807)

I think "intelligent people" realize that there are other intelligent people out there that have more experience than them selves -- and some of them write books.

Now, learning from books may be fine for many things, but marriage is a more practical matter. Our illusions about marriage are colored "love", or rather infatuation, as the initial phase is called. Love is beautiful, but infatuation builds dangerous illusions.

I suggest the poster and his wife-to-be get out of the books and into a practical course, perhaps like this: http://relationshipcentral.org/marriage-preparation-course [relationshipcentral.org]

Honestly: be honest, and stick together as a team (5, Insightful)

FreeUser (11483) | about 5 years ago | (#28953881)

Intelligent people do not need the kind of rubberstamp advice you find in self-help books. As long you remain honest, open and calm, you are very well off. Not doing stupid thing like playing WoW (ATTN! compare to watching football with you buddies and sipping beer) through your anniversary helps, too.

I can't second this enough. In the 4.5 years I've been married, the ONLY time we ever ran into any real trouble was when I tried to "manage" information. The excuse you'll typically tell yourself if tempted to do this is that it's to "spare her feelings", "you couldn't cope with it then", or "spare us an unnecessary fight". Those are excuses...the real reason is you don't want to deal with her reaction and the fallout. Don't give in to that temptation. Be honest, and demand honesty from your partner. That, and a good dose of compatabiltiy and love, will take you through just about anything).

The other underlying principle I'd add is: take the attitude that you're a team, and its you against the world--not necessarily in a combative sense, but in a "we stick together" and an economic (perhaps competative) sense. If you do these two things, you'll do well, and weather just about any storm.

There are other obvious guidelines, like not tearing each other down to your friends (even joking about the ball-and-chain will propogate memes that undermine what you have, so don't do it), not engaging in activity that can result in relationship-destroying behavior that you'll regret--like drunken "boy's nights out" in nightclubs or pick-up joints, or my personal favorite: these idiotic bachelor parties/stag dos that people go on right before they tie the knot (talk about laying the groundwork for a divorce before you're even married) ... but these are all common sense things that are directly derived from the two basic principles above: be absolutely honest with each other even when (or more precisely, especially when) it is difficult, and stick together as a team against the inevitable external pressures that the rest of the world will exert (in whatever form it takes, be it economic, cultural, external tempation, vicious inlaws, jealous exes, or whatever).

Re:Forget the books (1)

SeaFox (739806) | about 5 years ago | (#28953903)

Not doing stupid thing like playing WoW (ATTN! compare to watching football with you buddies and sipping beer) through your anniversary helps, too.

What if the wedding was held on WoW to begin with?

Re:Forget the books (4, Insightful)

bigmouth_strikes (224629) | about 5 years ago | (#28954105)

Being married (yes I am!) falls in the same category as having friends, being a manager...etc - they are relations that you have, not methods that you apply. That's where all the books have it wrong suggestion that there are techniques to apply instead of being authentic.

wrong kind of books (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953641)

Don't read books to make your marriage work. Don't ask strangers on slashdot like geeks were some sort of alien race. Get advice from people you know who are already married, parents, relatives -- people you know and trust. And then, relax, ignore it all, as the biggest thing is "different strokes for different folks"/"everyone has to learn for themselves".

Re:wrong kind of books (1)

gmack (197796) | about 5 years ago | (#28954001)

I agree with this one. I often wonder why we go to all the wrong people for advice when it comes to relationships. Would you ask a beggar how to manage your finances? Go to someone who has what you want (preferably someone who has been married awhile) and ask them.

Nows not the time to be logical (5, Informative)

ma11achy (150206) | about 5 years ago | (#28953643)

Small piece of advice.

We geeks find it hard to "get in touch with our emotional side" sometimes...

Concentrate on enjoying each other's company. Enjoy being with each other. Stop trying to analyse the hell out of it and just ENJOY it :)

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (1)

ookaze (227977) | about 5 years ago | (#28953811)

Small piece of advice.

We geeks find it hard to "get in touch with our emotional side" sometimes...

Concentrate on enjoying each other's company. Enjoy being with each other. Stop trying to analyse the hell out of it and just ENJOY it :)

Seconded!
It's too late to learn anything anyway, and usually these kind of things isn't learnt in books. Books can give you a method to follow, but actually to learn anything you have to interact with people. And as you're going to get married, it's too late to learn anything with other people.
Just manages like you always have, you'll learn along the way, like everybody else.

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (1)

operator_error (1363139) | about 5 years ago | (#28953879)

Really? Just ENJOY it? But what is one supposed to do when someone's machine goes PING! and no one is there to monitor it the event? Have you carefully considered the implications and subsequent risk? [Possessive's changed to protect the innocent and un-implicated].

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (3, Interesting)

rve (4436) | about 5 years ago | (#28953897)

Small piece of advice.

We geeks find it hard to "get in touch with our emotional side" sometimes...

Oh my...

The "alpha-male jocks" mentioned in TFA aren't stupid, they're socially so successful because of their high social/emotional intelligence.

(Some) women may think that what they want in a man is someone who is 'in touch with his emotional side', essentially a girly-man, but in reality a woman with a penis isn't any more attractive to women than it is to men.

You have to be someone she can look up to. In this day and age this doesn't have to mean huge amounts of muscle bulk. She might look up to you for your leet skillz, your artistic prowess or your meticulously cultivated good manners, whatever, but if that element is missing, but being all touchy-feely is not a plus, but something that has to be compensated for.

This also explains why highly successful women so often end up single, or go through divorce after divorce. The selection of men they can look up to is much smaller, and in that segment they have to compete with not very successful but seriously good looking girls.

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (1)

Tx (96709) | about 5 years ago | (#28954153)

... but in reality a woman with a penis isn't any more attractive to women than it is to men.

There are websites that say otherwise buddy ... erm, or so I hear.

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (1)

rainhill (86347) | about 5 years ago | (#28954077)

...and, DONT keep score.

Re:Nows not the time to be logical (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954141)

Weed helps

Sport might just be a metaphore. (3, Insightful)

digitalchinky (650880) | about 5 years ago | (#28953651)

Replace every passage in all the marriage books you've read where it says "Sports" - with "gaming/Linux geek" and you'll have exactly the same result.

However, don't believe everything you read! :-)

Communication (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953653)

Email doesn't count.

Just some generic advice from me. (1)

Reservoir Penguin (611789) | about 5 years ago | (#28953655)

IAAMG (I'm a married geek), so take my simple advice - Patience, forgiveness, always count to 10.

Re:Just some generic advice from me. (5, Funny)

MartinSchou (1360093) | about 5 years ago | (#28953727)

always count to 10.

What good will that do?

0, 1, 10 ...

Re:Just some generic advice from me. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953861)

It works if the field is a single bit wide:

0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 1, 0, 1 ...

Obligatory question.... (-1, Flamebait)

tanveer1979 (530624) | about 5 years ago | (#28953661)

does she run linux...

Never mind, but you asked for it.
Cue 1,2,3 for...
1. Imagine a Beowulf cluster of literary geeks
2. In Soviet Russia ... whatever .. ..
Profit ???

I know I am making no sense, but I am predicting this one to be the most sensless and pointless discussion threads on Slashdot! Bring it on!

Geekiness is irrelevant. (5, Insightful)

Max Romantschuk (132276) | about 5 years ago | (#28953663)

Making a marriage work requires three things:

Communication, communication and communication.

Learn how to talk, how to fight, and how to consider the other person, and you'll be fine. Don't try to own your partner and let him/her do things with other people that you can't reasonably do together. Don't be afraid to show your feelings, and talk about little issues before they become big issues. Compromises are inevitable, so don't think of these are a failure on either part.

The single biggest thing that is needed to make a marriage work is simply work. You can't expect a relationship to last without maintenance. Make sure to have time for each other when times are rough, and you'll be fine.

And ultimately, if things eventually stop working, divorce is not really a failure. It's simply an option to be considered if the relationship is hurting either or both parties.

Re:Geekiness is irrelevant. (4, Insightful)

realkiwi (23584) | about 5 years ago | (#28953823)

Don't get married at all, living in sin is much more fun!

But if you must:

1) When problems arise: argue, find a compromise, make up (that is the bit which involves lots of sex if you are lucky!). Couples that don't argue never last, all that suppressed/hidden resent eventually finds its way to the surface...

2) Stop reading about how to make marriage work

3) Stop asking questions about how to make marriage work on /.

Re:Geekiness is irrelevant. (1)

Lillebo (1561251) | about 5 years ago | (#28954099)

Second this.

Re:Geekiness is irrelevant. (2, Informative)

TXISDude (1171607) | about 5 years ago | (#28953837)

Both of you read "The Five Love Languages" this book explains it all - really

MOD PARENT UP (1)

mrgiles (872216) | about 5 years ago | (#28954111)

Making a marriage work requires three things:

Communication, communication and communication.


I completely agree.

I find that the great thing about communication is that the more you do it the less often you will fight. Fights are normally just misunderstandings, caused by a lack of communication.

You will fight of course, any couple who tells you they don't is either a lier or in trouble.

You read a book (1)

sakdoctor (1087155) | about 5 years ago | (#28953667)

That spells the end for this one.
But you'll learn, augment your common sense (It's a super power!), and apply it to marriage 2.0

Really? This is a story? Dr.Laura.org (0, Offtopic)

Kotoku (1531373) | about 5 years ago | (#28953673)

This is, without a doubt, the worst story I have seen on Slashdot in the many years I have been reading.

Geek Marriage Here (5, Interesting)

SerpentMage (13390) | about 5 years ago | (#28953683)

I am an engineer (ME), my wife is an engineer (EE).

We have been married for 15 years now and things are good.

1) I dated non engineers and let me tell you those relationships were more "active" in every sense of the word. But you actually tire of it quite quickly because you are constantly trying to figure things out.

2) The relationship becomes pretty constant since both you are pretty constant people. That is a good thing, but as my wife says NEVER take it for granted. Appreciate each and every day.

3) Be there for each other. I seriously mean this one. Be there for the other person through it all. EVEN if your logic says that the other person is wrong.

4) Support the other person. My wife is a director level manager and I have worked for her. Here in Europe some look at that as being a "wuss". After meeting me people quickly realize I am not a wuss, but there is a stigma associated with it. Though times are changing...

Re:Geek Marriage Here (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953745)

I am an engineer (ME), my wife is an engineer (EE).

We have been married for 15 years now and things are good.

1) I dated non engineers and let me tell you those relationships were more "active" in every sense of the word. But you actually tire of it quite quickly because you are constantly trying to figure things out.

2) The relationship becomes pretty constant since both you are pretty constant people. That is a good thing, but as my wife says NEVER take it for granted. Appreciate each and every day.

3) Be there for each other. I seriously mean this one. Be there for the other person through it all. EVEN if your logic says that the other person is wrong.

4) Support the other person. My wife is a director level manager and I have worked for her. Here in Europe some look at that as being a "wuss". After meeting me people quickly realize I am not a wuss, but there is a stigma associated with it. Though times are changing...

So she wears the pants in the house? Wuss.

Re:Geek Marriage Here (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953941)

I dated an architect student for 4 years. Although you might think architecture is artsy, it's in fact mostly very geeky. So I think a lot of my experience from there applies here.

Your advice is really good and I think it is the things that made things work for us as long as it did work. Then again failing in point 2 & 3 is what is crashed the relationship after having to live in different cities for a while.

Not taking things for granted is the most important aspect of all, because it gives you motivation to solve problems as they come along. And solving problems as they come along is necessary to avoid buildups of anger and annoyance.

It's also really important learn how to agree to disagree. Geeks have a tendency to think that small points are really important and that it's important to proof your point to someone else.
For a easier life, skip this and accept that someone else has a different opinion AND understand and respect that opinion even if you clearly states that it is not your own. This way many unnecessary fights could have been avoided in my and my ex's lives.

A more practical advice is that often in relationships arguments turn into some kind of a strength show-off instead of a logical discussion. This will sometime make you angry because someone is keeping on to a really stupid standpoint, but instead of being angry try to remember that you yourself sure as hell is doing the same thing from time to time and deal with situation at hand.

Well... That's all folks, now get on with your happy lives and stop reading BS posted on the internet.

You answered it already ... (1)

MartinSchou (1360093) | about 5 years ago | (#28953691)

How can a literary geek not realize that "(neglect due to interest in sports, etc.)." has an etc. in it?

Neglect due to over fixating on any one thing for a length of time, be it sports, books, linux, gaming, work, hanging out with friends and whatever else might come between you is what they're talking about.

When reading those kinds of books and articles, don't think "This doesn't apply to me because $reason" think "what would make this apply to me"

Geez ... and you guys call yourselves geeks?

Remeber When Slashdot Use To Be Good? (0, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953695)

This site use to be a fairly good site to read multiple times a day for fairly serious tech/computing articles.

The half-assed coding for the site and these idiotic 'Hi, I'm looking for advice...' crap just screams 'We just don't give a shit anymore'.

Sure there are still a few 300+ post articles now and then but the post count on stories appears to keep dropping more and more and the site ranking for Slashdot is on a steady decline.

It's too bad there is no single replacement for Slashdot. This place is toast.

 

Simple! (1)

doktorstop (725614) | about 5 years ago | (#28953705)

You don't need books to read about how a marriage works.
Believe me, all you need is love for your spouse and respect for each other. If you both have that, any problems (yep, don't believe anyone telling you that a marriage doesnt have its rainy days!), can and will be solved.
Don't look into books, look into yourself, and your partner as the most cherished person in the world. That's all.
Hey, worked for my 20 years of marriage, lol!

A few guidelines for the methodically oriented... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953707)

1. All good things come in cycles. Don't try to force things to always be exciting (or mellow), happy (or existential), close (or distant). Enjoy the ups and downs and you will always be fulfilled. 'Need' one or the other and you will never find what you are looking for.
2. Your deepest personal meaning (for both of you) is not tied to either literature or technology. Go find it together. Create shared meaning rather than simply expressing, in one direction at a time, your individual meaning.
3. Care about only a few, really important things; and let everything else go completely by the wayside. She moves her laptop around with abandon, not realizing how that affects the MTBF of the hard drive? You pronounce Goethe as if it rhymes with 'both'? Fuck it.
4. Get more attractive over time. I'm serious. Be a great investment, not a depreciating one, for each other. Join a gym. Do more cardio. Dress better. Release that hilarious, social personality inside you. Chris Rock said it best: In the first three months of a relationship, you're not you; you're the ambassador of you. He meant that you're at your best in the honeymoon, and then you let the belly hang out. Prove him wrong.

If you enjoy being a geek... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953709)

marriage is not for you

Rules of seeking relationship advice (5, Insightful)

tsvk (624784) | about 5 years ago | (#28953721)

The first rule of seeking relationship advice on Slashdot:

1. Do not seek relationship advice on Slashdot.

Re:Rules of seeking relationship advice (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953833)

Would you prefer that he asked 4chan?

Re:Rules of seeking relationship advice (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953939)

Getting guesses from educated persons in an area they know nothing about is not that much better than asking uneducated persons about an area they know nothing about.

Re:Rules of seeking relationship advice (1)

ThomasHoward (925022) | about 5 years ago | (#28954025)

Getting guesses from educated persons in an area they know nothing about is not that much better than asking uneducated persons about an area they know nothing about.

Asking slashdot is better than asking on 4chan, I can just see the advice on /b/ now, it largely consists of "stick it in her pooper"

Re:Rules of seeking relationship advice (1)

PyroMosh (287149) | about 5 years ago | (#28954031)

It would be more entertaining! Especially if he followed the advice, and there was some way to witness it being carried out.

Re:Rules of seeking relationship advice (1)

Smidge207 (1278042) | about 5 years ago | (#28953899)

1. Do not seek relationship advice on Slashdot.

^THIS!^ Now imagine for a second you're at the home of Rob Malda. He's having breakfast with his long-time lover Michael Simms and the two are - of course - bickering like an old married couple. With me so far? Good. Michael ruffles the NY Times paper and coughs under his breath. Rob butters his toast and lights another Parliament. From under the table a mischievous cackling is heard. In a high, feminine falsetto, Rob asks Michael who's under there.

"Oh that's just ESR. He's been under there all night." Michael says and goes back to his paper. Sure enough, ESR crawls out from under the table dressed in women's thigh-high stockings (black) stiletto pumps and negligee. There are purple bruises under his left eye just at the cheek bone and what can be construed as crusted drying semen on the corners of his mouth; ESR has - apparently - had a rough night, indeed.

Ever since Eric Raymond had raped him at his house in Holland and later again at Slashdot New Year's Eve party, Rob Malda has had ESR living with him off and on. Michael doesn't care for the arrangement but who cares? So, sleeping until four or five in the evening, ESR would wake and surf the 'net for pictures of young, boyish men and call and talk tearfully to Hemos on the phone. He ignored Slashdot, thinking himself above editing tech-news, while his Open Source stocks slipped. Depression and anxiety had Rob so entirely that it seemed he would never again enjoy life. He had truly hit bottom.

Last night, Rob had forgotten his birthday but Hemos managed to coax him out for a night on the town across the state in Detroit. After their little road trip, the pair went on a shopping spree, took in a movie, and ate dinner at a very chic and expensive restaurant. After stopping for ice cream, the two friends headed to Rob's favorite Detroit night spot, the Malebox Bar. There they wasted no time dancing to the latest hard house remixes and downing shot after shot of watermelon Jolly Rancher drinks.

As time wore on and mix after mix pounded the dance floor, Rob and Hemos began feeling tipsy and decided to take a break in the club's arcade. The two fought through Mortal Kombat like an old married couple, went back and forth in Altered Beast, and played a couple rounds of Spy Hunter. The conversation had slowly turned to MAME, an Open Source program that emulated dozens of arcade games by means of illegally pirated ROM files, as they began playing Rampage. Rob and Hemos had gigs and gigs of illegally pirated ROM files.

"It's ludicrous playing video games here when we have MAME on our systems at home," Hemos said as he punched Rob in the back of the head and jumped halfway up a building.

"Yeah," Rob said as he smashed a tank. "But you can't get any action sitting at home playing video games like you can here."

"Too bad there's no way to pick up guys and play MAME at the same time," Hemos said as he ate a bathing woman and burped. "That would be the best."

"Yeah, that would be pretty great," Rob said.

Rob stopped climbing the building he was on, leaving Hemos to smash the building and jump away before it collapsed. Rob fell on his butt and lost some life.

"Rob, are you okay?" Hemos asked while button-mashing Rob's character into oblivion. "Rob?"

Hemos continued speaking, but Rob wasn't there. His eyes were wide and glazed, focused elsewhere. He was smiling weird and crooked as the game showed in reverse in his eyes. Hemos finally turned to look at Rob.

"Robert Hubert Malda!" Hemos yelled, hands on hips in frustration. Not waiting for a response, he reached out and pinched his friend's elbow. He didn't like that look in his eyes it always meant something bad was about to happen. Rob came to, shaking his head and stepping back from the game, which was now blinking GAME OVER at him. He turned and looked at Hemos, who was fuming.

"Jeff, uh, I'm sorry. I guess I zoned out there for a minute," he said as he looked around the bar. "I, um. I'll be right back."

"Jesus Christ, Rob!" Jeff said between breaths. "This thing is heavy and there's barely room for it in my back seat!"

"Ha, yeah right," Rob said, grunting. "There's always room in your back seat!"

Jeff rolled his eyes at Rob's little jab. "You be nice, you're lucky I'm letting you do this."

With one final shove and groan, Rob was finished, and the old, worn arcade game shell was wedged tightly the back seat of Jeff's VW Jetta. They bound the back doors to the machine with bungie cord and then tied their red hankies to it, sat down against the side of the car, and lit cigarettes.

"So what exactly are you going to do with this thing?" Hemos asked between puffs. "You're building a MAME system?"

"My plan is much more ambitious than just some MAME system," Rob said, smirking. "But it's based on the same concept. It also combines my love of hairless man-boys."

There was a depraved look of malignant inspiration in Rob's tired, bloodshot eyes.

"It was when you were talking about playing MAME and getting ass," Rob continued. "That very instant, on that very spot, I decided to build a twink molesting machine."

Hemos choked on his cigarette. "A what?" he asked in disbelief. Rob flicked his cigarette away and stood up. "I'm going to build a cage in which I can entrap young boys a cage from which they can't escape and are totally vulnerable in."

Hemos sighed. "Vulnerable to what, Rob?"

"To homosexual assault, of course!" Rob leered as he entered the passenger side door.

"Oh god, Rob," Hemos said, opening the driver's side door. "You have been watching way too much hentai!"

And with that, the car, weighed down by the old arcade machine, rolled off toward Holland.

One advice (1)

MemoryDragon (544441) | about 5 years ago | (#28953735)

Throw the books into the next garbage bin...
There is all to it, only a minority of marriages/relationships work in that scheme, the rest has been
posted by others alreasy.
One thing I cannot figure out is why all those books are written in those stereotype ways while
most relationships do not work that way anyway.

Re:One advice (3, Insightful)

thasmudyan (460603) | about 5 years ago | (#28953925)

I agree completely, throw the books away!

I think people like stereotypes and consequently try to change themselves so they can fit into them - not the other way around. For example, if most successful relationship books deal with caveman-style guys and submissive girls, that's because many people draw comfort from these role models, it's something that they can "aspire" to and those stereotypes can be used to explain away anything and everything that comes up in regard to social issues (no actual insight required).

That's the reason why most people always try to become more jock-like or cheerleader-like as the case may be. If you have typical jock/cheerleader problems, your relationship is perceived as normal, you can then go out and buy books that tell you "it's normal because guys are always that way and girls are always that way", most of them purporting (without a real scientific basis of course) that's how it's always been and evolution forces us to be jocks and cheerleaders anyway. On the other hand, if you have real and deeply special problems, you're perceived as a freak and your issues are quickly attributed to failure to be a real jock or cheerleader.

So you basically have to decide if you want to be a conformist who is striving to be a stereotype or whether you want to be yourself. Either way you'll be paying dearly for the path you choose.

my two cents (2, Interesting)

dspolleke (1139333) | about 5 years ago | (#28954085)

My two cents:

1. Go geocaching. http://www.geocaching.com/ [geocaching.com] (be geeky outdoors) .. Outdoors, in nature, no books, no pc just you, your spouse and a gps. This will force you to interact, solve problems together which will teach you to solve YOUR problems together..

2. Do "the mariage course" http://relationshipcentral.org/ [relationshipcentral.org] It almost ended my marriage but made it stronger in the long run. It is very practical because it is adapted to your needs. there are common theme nights where a subject is explained and then you discuss it together. every couple in our course enjoyed and had benefits from different subjects.

Communication (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953741)

I'm a gamer / geek who is married to a wife with a university degree in german studies and
literature.

There is no recipe that could be quoted in books or /.-comments. For our marriage, permanent
communication is the most important key. We talk (even when both are travelling due to our
jobs) at leat an hour per day. Beyond that it is helpful, that we both don't loose our humor in
difficult situations: e.g. we agreed beforehand, that everything that ever happens will be my fault.
So by now if something happens, i even claim my privilege to be the guilty party :-). This takes the
sting out of any discussion, whos fault it may be.

CU & good luck!

Basics (2, Insightful)

JBL2 (994604) | about 5 years ago | (#28953743)

My experience: 1. Find out what's important to HER. For instance, birthdays never seemed a big deal to me, but she likes a little bit of a celebration -- nothing fancy, mind, but a few ribbons here & there. 2. Listen beyond the words. Something that doesn't usually bother her might get to her sometimes; find out why she was unhappy to start with. Work, relationship, family, ... 3. Do something unexpected and nice once in a while. 4. Trust her. I know it sounds obvious, but I was hesitant to tell her about some things first. I did, anyway, and eventually found that it's much less a big deal when you're in it together. Good luck!

Hrmm. (1)

pHus10n (1443071) | about 5 years ago | (#28953755)

I think you're already a leg-up on many other marriages. Obviously, you've talked about your union in detail. That's it -- communication. Just like kids, there are no guides or books to follow.

That said, my only piece of advice to you (which I would give to any married couple) is to make sure you have some "me" time. You can't possible enjoy everything together, all the time, 24/7. If your wife likes absolutely everything you do/eat/say, you didn't marry a woman --- you married a fembot. Take some time to explore an interest on your own, and encourage her to do the same.

Geek relationships aren't that different (4, Informative)

Scholasticus (567646) | about 5 years ago | (#28953789)

I'd guess that you being a Linux geek and she being a literary geek won't have much effect on your marriage. Other things, such as what you each expect from marriage, how you communicate (or whether you communicate at all!), how considerate each is of the other's needs, and so on, are more important. Forget the marriage/relationship books. They're pretty useless, and for the most part sell well because lots of people think that there can be manual for everything. It's not true; some things you just have to learn by doing. I've been happily married for 15 years. It takes patience and work to get through rough spots, but the good times make all that more than worth it.

Books (2, Insightful)

ledow (319597) | about 5 years ago | (#28953795)

Don't live by books, live by your brain. Books can help provide inspiration but you're not stupid... your brain knows if/when there's something wrong and how to fix it. People normally run off and cry to their friends in order to be told what they already knew. You know this. You know if the marriage is working or not. You know if you want to / need to work at it or not. To be honest, a marriage you need to "work at" in any way probably wasn't started on the best footing ("I don't really love you any more, darling, but let's work at it"? It's almost like saying "I don't find you sexually attractive any more but let's keep trying and see if I can keep it up" - Oh, and marriages based on sex aren't really marriages).

Ignore therapists, books, courses, "relationship counselling" (Yeurk!), all the other nonsense... live your lives together and be happy for as long as you both can and, if you can't, see what can be done to fix it. Sometimes that means divorce is actually the best way to find happiness for you both... so be it.

"I'm doing this because I read it in a book" comes nowhere near "I'm doing this because I want to make you happy".

Now run off and enjoy married life with your geek girl, you lucky sod.

slashdot? (1)

rob13572468 (788682) | about 5 years ago | (#28953797)

wow, asking for relationship/advice about girls on slashdot? talk about going to the wrong place... seriously though, the best thing you can do to ensure a happy marraige is to at least make an attempt to work out some of the difficult issues before you actually get married... Do you or your GF have any annoying/disgusting habits: (weird laugh, make noises, leave toenail clippings around, etc..) those sorts of things tend to be ignored in the beginning when things are going well but once your married they can get very irritating very quickly. Secondly, work out basic stuff like finances: how is the money going to be spent and on what, how are you going to pay bills.. and so on... get that sort of stuff worked out before. Finally, I hope you are getting a decent amount of sex now because however much that is, its going to be *less* once you are married. if you arent getting much or any now then you might want to rethink things...

books? wtf??? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953799)

silly geek, a book is not the way to go about this. what motivated you to look at a book anyway??? sounds like you had some hidden doubts and/or insecurities.

basically, it's like this. (a) you are going to get married and be with the person forever, (b) you don't know if you'll be with them forever, but you'll be with them for a while and a while's good enough (and we'll end things amicably if they do end) or (c) you're going to take a rough and tumble through the marriage and then have a horrible divorce.

if you can stand to be around this person for long amounts of time, and also trust this person enough to let him/her do whatever they want when they want (as long as they're not doing someone else) then you should be fine. go with your gut.

Marriage kernel 0.01, suitable for hackers only (5, Insightful)

FourthAge (1377519) | about 5 years ago | (#28953839)

There is no stock "off the shelf" marriage; every marriage is self-built, like Linux kernel 0.01.

You must learn to modify the source to fix problems that come up. There is no manual, and although there is a large user community, all of them have different systems, and consequently may give you bad advice. At least you have a co-author to help you.

Here is one piece of advice. Neither of you should play timesink online games, such as MMOs, unless you do it together or set clear boundaries about the times when you will play. Otherwise you or your wife will use those games to escape the marriage when it becomes difficult, and avoiding problems will make them worse.

Abstraction (1)

Nick Fel (1320709) | about 5 years ago | (#28953863)

Just read the normal books, but when it says "watching sport", read "playing Warcraft".

I don't get it (1)

DrXym (126579) | about 5 years ago | (#28953873)

If you want to know what marriage will be like, just go live with the girl for a year or two. If you get on, if you don't argue, if don't annoy each other, if you can see a future together then go get married. If you can't do this then split up. I really don't understand why any further hyper-analysis is required. Books will dish up all sorts of blanket aphorisms and pat advice but at the end of the day it's up to you and her to make it work, not some stupid book.

Communications (1)

Sobrique (543255) | about 5 years ago | (#28953885)

Geek lesson number one - establish your communication protocols.
Er. That's about it really. Anyone who thinks 'true love' can make everything right is wrong. What it really takes is open and honest communication - even about stuff that you might feel uncomfortable bringing up.
How you accomplish this is different for different couples and 'geeky' couples might well handle it differently.

Talk openly ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953891)

Talk to each other, be open about problems and try to solve them together. Thats most important part.

Alex

It really is the same as all other marriages. (2, Insightful)

artecco (1020333) | about 5 years ago | (#28953905)

Don't be a fool like I was

Don't go into a coma and hope that problems will fix themselves (they don't).

Tell her that she is special (she is).

Get your ass off the computer chair do stuff with her (she wants you to take part in her activities)

Get out of bed when the alarm goes off, shave and make her breakfast, buy her flowers ones in a while.

If you think that marrying a geek is extremely different than a non geek you are dead wrong. I married a geek girl, and I nearly lost her because I thought she was 90% logic and 10% emotions. I was wrong and now 10 years after our marriage I have just gone through the worst summer ever, and have finally realized that she deserves much more than I have been offering her.

I fell into a vegetable state where I was waiting for things (we were fighting a lot) to get better. Some guys watch sports, other play computer games and some do other shit. No matter what one chooses, all these activities boils down to a low activity veggie state where one resigns and hopes things, in some magical way will get better.

After some serious TLR (Total Life re-engineering) I'm back on track and we are rebuilding our relationship now. All it took was for me to realize that my special little geek girl are as all other girls, they need more than pure logic and reasoning, they need complements and they need to feel that they are special in the way only you can make her feel. A male geek and a female geek has as much in common as a male and a female, while a female geek and a "ordinary" female has almost everything in common.

KDAWWWWSSSOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!! (n/t) (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953915)

:/

Re:KDAWWWWSSSOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!! (n/t) (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954155)

For the Love of God! This AC has the only appropriate post in in this whole story! MOD PARENT UP!

Real geeks don't get married (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953945)

In the U.S. 58% of marriages end in divorce. And of the remaining 42%, my guess is that at least half of them become loveless marriages, with the two people being miserable and staying together for various reasons (e.g. financial considerations, "we have to think of the kids", "what will my family say?", "what will I do if I'm alone?", "divorce is against my religion").

So you're entering an arrangement with an over 75% chance of failure, one way or another. Why would a sensible person do that? "Geeks" are supposedly smart people. Marriage is an outdated institution (its origins are in property relations, it was a way for families to merge their property and wealth). If two people love each other, they'll be together, regardless of whether it's officially sanctioned by the state.

But be careful. It's perhaps even easier to fall out of love than it is to fall in love. And when it happens (as it most likely will), it's easier to get out of when you don't have all the legal crap to go through.

Too much analyzing, too little feeling real. (5, Interesting)

Bongo (13261) | about 5 years ago | (#28953957)

As a geek couple, I can say after 12 + years there are certain real pitfalls.

This may vary for you, but here's a few key items:

Your intellect can be very clever at making up lies, hiding what you really feel, and it basically just gets in the way. This hiding and dissociation from your feelings can take different forms. If you're the kind of guy who tries to be nice and tries to be a good partner, then you may find that you hide your natural anger and hide your resentments. Eventually these will bite you hard. If on the other hand you or your partner are basically quite selfish, lack empathy, and lack a basic goodness, then she or you can do the most outrageously selfish things but rationalize them away using your clever intellect. (I know one woman who would cry "sexist" if you said she was behaving badly, on the basis that had she been a man, you'd have complemented him for being "strong" (some people are educated beyond their intelligence)).

So feeling is very important. But what's also important, and this is beyond therapy now... what is also becoming more important for modern couples is that, once you both accept each other as equals (you're not stereotypical gender roles from the 50s), once you accept each other as equals, doesn't mean you are the same. You still have to be a man and she still has to be a woman, otherwise there is no difference between you, and there is no polarity of attraction, and sex and romance will disappear completely. See David Deida's books for a challenging and difficult slap in the face on this subject. Your woman may often act crazy--she is testing you and she wants to feel your masculine ability to be a solidly dependable rock who can stand there and still love her. Once she knows she can trust you to be a rock, she can relax into her feminine side and blossom and be sexy. And this little drama will repeat itself over and over. If you don't want that, get a best friend and forget about romantic partners.

Use your tongue (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953963)

There are at least two things you can do with it -- talking is one of them.

It's not that different (5, Insightful)

DeathToBill (601486) | about 5 years ago | (#28953977)

Geek marriage is not that different to any other marriage. Three pointers:

  • Talk to each other. When something bugs you, talk about it early, not when you're at the walking out stage. It will make things easier. And make time to just talk to each other about whatever.
  • Cherish each other. Count how lucky you are to have your wife. Regularly. Focus on what's good.
  • Sex. Lots of it. I know this sounds incredibly daft, but don't forget sex in your relationship. I know at least one geek couple (not me, BTW) who ran into serious trouble because she was always playing online games, he was always designing new gadgets and somehow they just never ended up in bed together. Both of them wanted it, but it never actually happened. Make it happen, or you will start looking elsewhere for it, and that is very nearly the end of your marriage.

It's about what you want. (1)

FortuneoSarcasm (1612401) | about 5 years ago | (#28953983)

My wife and I are both geeks (she's an SEO and I'm a DBA) and we just picked something we wanted. We wrote our own non-denominational vows and organised a marriage officer who was happy to perform the ceremony. We found a venue we both liked and did the whole ceremony so that we both enjoyed ourselves. We didn't do a first dance since neither of us are into slow dancing and we skipped stuff like having a wedding cake. In the end after the meal we all sat around outside by the bar chatting with all our friends and drinking and everyone had a great relaxed time celebrating together. Why try conform to an ideal thats not your own?

Great! You found a girl . . . (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28953987)

. . . that will go Greek, then --

Oh, wait. You said GEEk. Sorry. No advice here.

Rob Parsons (1)

troon (724114) | about 5 years ago | (#28953995)

Get a copy of The Sixty Minute Marriage by Rob Parsons. Although aimed at Christians (you don't say if that applies), the large majority of the advice applies to anyone. Highly recommended: Parsons' line of thinking is very clear and logical.

Oh really (1)

DNS-and-BIND (461968) | about 5 years ago | (#28953997)

Unfortunately, all of the references seem to be based around an alpha-male jock and a submissive cheerleader-style wife.

Really? Which books were these? You know, the jock has been out as a male stereotype for over 20 years now, and likewise the cheerleader. Hint: marriage is not about anyone's hobbies or interests, it's about being able to tolerate another person hanging around for the next 40 years. Yup, I just checked and sure as sugar it's a kdawson story. PS stop pretending you're special.

It's not difficult if you keep things simple... (1)

mh123083 (514387) | about 5 years ago | (#28954003)

1) You are equals in the relationship.
        Balance the things you want to do with the things she wants to do.
2) Have discussions, not arguments.
        Going to sleep on an argument is not a good plan, try to make peace - doesn't matter if you won or lost the argument...
3) The odd's of an argument decrease dramatically the more you talk to each other
4) ...
5) Profit

Good luck with your first marriage! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954013)

Hopefully you'll learn some valuable lessons for your future one(s).

In geek terms (4, Insightful)

cybereal (621599) | about 5 years ago | (#28954017)

Marriage is like a static group in any RPG. The same basic facts apply.

1. You need goals to achieve anything. You need to achieve things to be happy. If one or more of your group is unhappy, the result will inevitably be dissolution of the group. Set goals early, set them often.

2. Whenever undertaking any task it is important to understand each group member's role. Though not strictly necessary, it is good to have a leadership position to orchestrate any support roles. This position may be shifted around the group based on whatever the scenario requires.

3. Eventually you will reach conflict, it's inevitable. Practice care in participating in conflicts. Attempt to understand all party's grievances and complaints and effect a useful resolution. Submit the proposed resolution to the group and hope for a diplomatic reception.

4. Keep the channels of communication open. Be sure all group members understand and approve of any actions prior to taking them. Nobody wants a Leeroy Jenkins in their group!

5. When you wish for your group to grow, the most important prerequisite is always preparation.

6. As your group grows in numbers, avoid favoritism. All members should be treated with respect and given the assistance they need to become fully useful participants.

7. Members of your group are unlikely to be so exclusively! They may still have close ties to the group or groups that nurtured them. Be sure to respect those ties and even assist in maintaining them.

8. That said, members of the group must understand their priorities. Most successful groups have prioritized with their own goals in mind.

9. Finally, you are not the group. And the group is not you. Sometimes you must focus on your own goals. Always take time to solo and be understanding of the need of others to do the same.

Those are just a few tips on successful grouping in World of Wedcraft. Good luck!

Some Advice (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954037)

Dont make the mistakes my wife and I have. I'm about to begin the paperwork for our divorce.... But here's what I would have changed. My wife and I are both very hermit like people. However, one thing that I found that would later become a HUGE issue, was that we didn't do very much outside of the house away from our computers/books/projects. We sort of fell into being more roommates than lovers. Our Relationship became a combination of the two and not really either at the same time. Coupled with the economic and repeated job losses for both of us. After 3 years, the problems finally stacked up and well the rest is my own business.

If I can give you any useful advice, it would be to keep the communication open, keep doing things together, and when there's a problem bring it out into the open and solve it. I'm a very mellow and conflict avoiding person, and I allowed many things to just go unanswered, later on when things where going to sh*t, it was brought up that I never complained about the things that bothered me. Although I still think that that is actually a good thing I can also see the damage it did to our ability to communicate honestly.

Good luck to you, even with the way things turned our I wouldn't have changed it, my marriage has been some of the happiest years of my life, even if is ending on a low note.

gt

It doesn't get much geekier (1)

berpi (1187131) | about 5 years ago | (#28954079)

Asking for marriage advice on Slashdot... it doesn't get much geekier than that! Congratulations, you've brightened my day! Oh, my $0.02: ask people who have seen many marriages up close, but always from outside: find a priest. A good one. There are plenty.

As seen on TV... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954081)

Why? All other combinations are cowered by a number of "funny" sitcoms on TV. I'm sure you can find one or two that covers your particular type of marriage.

It's really not the same as all other marriges! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954083)

I've been with my parner for a while, still considering the best time to take the next step like you. I have a fairly simple rule of thumb for when it happens though. Marrige is not the be all and end all, it's not the start of the rest of your life, it's the dedication to your partner and a special day for you both.

After marrige, dont let things go stale, dont fall into run of the mill lets do the same crap as always. do anything and everything you want and share the experience with your lover. if you want to play wow togeather through your aniversary because you will both enjoy it, do it! it's not sad it's enjoying your time togeather, screw anyone who refers to any hobbys that you both enjoy as sad because in the end (and i'll sound like my parents here) they are just jelous.

Geekie marriges can hold so much more than many others simply because you are open minded!

Here is a list of stuff both me and my partner enjoy just for the hell of it: WOW (yeah, she just got to L80 with me!! ), watching movies like everyone else, going to the local rock/goth clubs, playing AIRSOFT (yes, she has a L96 sniper rifle and a G36K among others) Tae Kwon do (believe it or not she out ranks me, she's a blackbelt! ETC etc

Just enjoy it!

Power/Control... (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | about 5 years ago | (#28954093)

As with the other posts I've seen, Communication is very very important. But, there will be power struggles in a non-dominant marriage, and more than you like to think (especially after you've been together for several years). How to deal with that is non-trivial and non-self-help-book-solvable. But if you're both emotionally stable and adaptable people, you'll find your path through the problem. Just don't let it blindside you.

And then there's kids. Be totally sure you're on the same page about kids from the start. Not just yes/no or how many, but under what set of rules will you raise them, feed them, reprimand/punish them, what privileges will you allow (TV use, bedtimes, outside time requirement/allowances), etc, etc, etc... The subtleties in raising kids (no sugar-coated cereals, must learn a stick-shift before getting a license, etc) are the biggest source of power struggles in our household.

To the "football watching" comments, bah. The problem with going to watch football with the guys (or WoW, whatever) is not a cause, but an effect. It's the result of an unhealthy relationship. How do you cope with losing power struggles that you deeply care about? Because you will lose -- the sooner you accept it, the better. Just admit defeat and go have a beer with the guys and let it go.

It's very simple (1)

nekrecart (704551) | about 5 years ago | (#28954103)

Get digital copies of those books, open them with your favorite text editor and do a :

ReplaceAll("sport", "WoW");
ReplaceAll("beer", "Mountain Dew");
ReplaceAll("talking about woman", "techtalk");
ReplaceAll("cars", "computers");
ReplaceAll("espn", "Discovery Channel");
ReplaceAll("Playboy", "torrents");
ReplaceAll("Hustler", "torrents");

There you go. The books will make a lot more sense to you now. :)

One more manual by Hugh and Gayle Prather (1)

boneglorious (718907) | about 5 years ago | (#28954107)

I would read "I Will Never Leave You", by Hugh and Gayle Prather (married something like 45 years now), which they wrote after, during their years as marriage counselors, they noticed a dramatic shift toward increased broken relationships that the participants originally intended to be permanent. One issue it addresses in detail that seems like it could potentially be relevant to you in the future is, What do you do when you seem very compatible but then one or both of you change so you seem not to have much in common anymore? Does it mean you're not "meant to be together" anymore? (Hint: no.)

Geek-oriented marriage? (2, Insightful)

Kokuyo (549451) | about 5 years ago | (#28954121)

Dude, how about a marriage-oriented marriage instead? You're not entering some club, you know.

Honesty is the key. A lot of people will disagree with me there, but if you can't be honest to your effing partner, with whom can you ever be honest then?

When I asked my first girl out, who happens to be my wife now, I told her my views on life and how I wanted and needed a relationship to be (both sexually and not) from the beginning. She happened to agree with what I said. I was honest and she was honest. That's why we've been married for almost four and a half years now and have been together for over seven.

No matter if one of the people involved tends toward submissive or dominant, the important part is that the relationship is built on being equal partners. Equal at least in the right to be happy and get from the relationship what they need. But to make each other happy, one must know what the other needs and what they have trouble dealing with.

I don't know how people can expect to live together for the rest of their lives, ideally, when they don't dare bring up wishes and dreams, fears and basic needs for fear of losing the other. How can people believe that someone whom you're afraid to tell your most important secrets, the things that are such a big part of you, would make a good partner?

The geekyness... what the heck does it matter? Whether you like being called a geek or not, the fact remains that we all have hobbies and interests. Being a geek is merely a label for how widely spread your hobby is (gaming retains its geeky status only through nostalgic means). Can you accept her hobbies? Can she accept yours? If not, you're going to have trouble that has nothing to do with geekyness anyway.

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