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What Does Google Suggest Suggest About Humanity?

samzenpus posted more than 4 years ago | from the fire-makes-things-hot dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 513

CNETNate writes "You'll laugh, but mostly you'll cry. Some of the questions Google gets asked to deliver results for is beyond worrying. 'Can you put peroxide in your ear?', 'Why would a pregnancy test be negative?', and 'Why can't I own a Canadian?' being just a selection of the truly baffling — and disturbing — questions Google is regularly forced to answer."

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Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008496)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (1)

HomelessInLaJolla (1026842) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008536)

"Why can't I own a Canadian" in the summary actually makes this particularly suck troll relevent. Probably the only time you will ever see it happen.

Really? (4, Funny)

crumbz (41803) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008504)

Now my curiosity is piqued. WHY can't I own a Canadian? Or at least lease one for a year?

Re:Really? (5, Informative)

Guido del Confuso (80037) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008642)

Try actually searching for those terms. It's the title of an essay satirizing Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Biblical literalism. Not so weird, really, in context.

This is two monumentally stupid articles I've seen from CNET UK in as many days (the other one being the power plugs article from yesterday). If Slashdot continues to post them, I think we should insist on a tag just for that site so we can filter them out.

Re:Really? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008694)

And its not like people couldn't simply type those questions in for fun to see what would come up.

Re:Really? (4, Informative)

johnlcallaway (165670) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009042)

The "Why can't I own a Canadian" is a wonderful essay that slams using religious texts for moral arguments by using parts of the bible people don't quote to justify slavery, stoning, and killing. As part of the essay, it uses Old Testament text that seems to justify owning slaves as long as they are not from your own country. As for the peroxide search, it's a treatment for getting wax out of your ear, although I don't know if it works or not.

I was in Chennai several years ago and noticed no one was in the water other than wading. My friend told me most Indians don't know how to swim. I figured it was probably because they don't have the same infrastructure in place as the US in teaching swimming. Maybe someone from India can shed some additional light on that and solve that mystery.

Just another worthless piece from what passes for news these days. Maybe someday reporters will get away from their desks and actually go out and report on news.

Re:Really? (0, Troll)

commodore64_love (1445365) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009170)

But the Old Testament was nullified by the New Testament - similar to how European nations' sovereignty has been nullified by the Treaty of Lisbon.

(ducks spitball)

BTW why is this posting window only 20 characters wde? This is worse than typing on my Commodore.

Yep (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009052)

Anything can seem disturbing when taken out of context.

Re:Really? (3, Funny)

dmmiller2k (414630) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008678)

You can't possibly be serious. You can rent one for a day at a time if you can find an available one. But, the best I've ever heard of is a 1-week timeshare, but you'll never get the week you want.

Re:Really? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008680)

The other one that got me is "why is there a dead pakistani on my couch?"... ROTFL LMFAO.... I mean really really?

Re:Really? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009236)

The other one that got me is "why is there a dead pakistani on my couch?"... ROTFL LMFAO.... I mean really really?

If you don't know and haven't had any blackouts lately, you probably should call the police. If you have had blackouts, you might consider fleeing the country instead.

Re:Really? (2, Interesting)

interkin3tic (1469267) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008732)

Along those same lines I was pondering the question at the top of the article "Why would a little girl in Yorkshire think Jesus was born in an egg?" Oddly phrased, and I don't think google is the place to search for insight on the immaculate conception, but if you believe that, it WOULD be an interesting embryological issue. Was it like a human egg and, er... a set of divine chromesomes or what? I bet some church scholar has talked about that more than any person reasonably should, it's entirely possible that got transcribed and computerized.

Later on if I'm still as interested as I am now, I may run a google search of my own, though more along the lines of "immaculate conception, human egg fertilization." Probably not though.

Re:Really? (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008790)

Easter. 'nuff said.

Re:Really? (1)

Goldberg's Pants (139800) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008822)

Because they're MINE!!! MWAHAHA!

Signed, Stephen Harper...

The peroxide question isn't dumb. Hydrogen peroxide is often used as an antiseptic, and can be used to treat ear infections.

Re:Really? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009036)

can I put peroxide in the ear of a Canadian I own?

I AmCanadian ( you insens...) (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009040)

WHY can't I own a Canadian? Or at least lease one for a year?

Because Canada's right wing sob (son of bush) douchebag Prime Minister Stephen Harper needs a majority government to get that bill passed. He just needs to fool a few more voters into thinking he's not the anti-christ and we should be go on that.

Re:Really? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009048)

We've already been purchased by the Chinese... just like you.

Re:Really? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009148)

"Now my curiosity is piqued. WHY can't I own a Canadian?"
Actually Canada is a socialist country and the Government already owns all of us. Sorry folks.

Re:Really? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009152)

A better question is Why would I want to own a Canadian ?

Canadians = Fine pedigree (1)

WoodenTable (1434059) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009198)

You can't own a Canadian because we're an extremely well-bred population here in Canada. We can't just sell ourselves to any dirty foreigner who offers us money! Especially Americans.

Unfortunately, most nations these days are hardly civil enough to own Canadians. It's really quite disgusting. We had high hopes for our ownership by the United Kingdom at one time, you know, but then they had to go and declare us an independent country... such a disaster. The politicians were really quite depressed about that one.

Personally, I'm holding out for an advanced alien race to arrive for all our purchasing needs. I just hope they aren't the human-eating kind, as most Canadians would prefer to be part of a long term investment, not a short meal.

'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (5, Insightful)

EvanED (569694) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008534)

Why is the peroxide question that stupid? The only thing I can think of is that the person probably meant 'hydrogen peroxide', and then I think it's a pretty reasonable question.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (1)

Eravau (12435) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008558)

I was thinking the same thing. In what way is it stupid?

ditto for the pregnancy test (1)

Frequency Domain (601421) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008630)

'Why would a pregnancy test be negative?' is a perfectly reasonable question if you're asking about false negatives.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008562)

and you can use it diluted at 0.5% to gently clean the ear canal

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008800)

My mother always used to clean my ears out with hydrogen peroxide as a child. I wish I could do it myself, it was quite refreshing, and I was always surprised at what kind of gunk that the [hydrogen] peroxide broke up.

btw, many people just say peroxide instead of hydrogen peroxide.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (5, Interesting)

nine-times (778537) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008834)

I agree. Hydrogren peroxide is a common home remedy for ear-aches and wax buildup. It seems reasonable (and even smart) for someone, upon receiving advice to put hydrogen peroxide in his ears, to plug it into Google to see if it's actually a good idea.

I also don't think "Why would a pregnancy test be negative?" is that crazy a question. Yes, there's the obvious answer (you're not pregnant), but one might assume the intention of the question is "Are there reasons why a pregnancy test would be negative even if the woman were pregnant?" Pregnancy tests aren't 100% accurate, after all, so someone might have just wanted to know what factors might throw one off.

In fact, most of the questions in this article are pretty valid questions that I can understand a person wanting the answer to. "Am I going into labor?" Well it's not necessarily immediately obvious, and there's even such a thing as "false labor". "Why would a married man cheat?" It's a valid question, and I bet there are interesting scientific studies that try to address the question.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (1)

EvanED (569694) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009024)

Hydrogren peroxide is a common home remedy for ear-aches and wax buildup.

See, I didn't even know that and I still thought it was a reasonable question. I just assumed that someone got a cut or something inside their ear somehow and wanted to disinfect it.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (1)

tenco (773732) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009266)

I thought that someone got a cut of their hair and wanted to bleach them.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (1)

bigtomrodney (993427) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008856)

I wondered the same thing. In fact my own doctor told me that it's a hydrogen peroxide in warm water solution that is used to syringe wax out of your ears.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?' (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008926)

There are several products on the market which contain carbamide peroxide for the express purpose of putting it into one's ear to break down earwax.

Peroxide (4, Informative)

gauauu (649169) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008560)

Can you put peroxide in your ear?

Why is this disturbing? Pouring peroxide in your ear bubbles like crazy (and feels rather nice), and supposedly helps remove built-up ear wax. But some sources say it does more harm (drying and/or irritating the ear) than good.

Either way, it's about as disturbing as asking whether I can put a Q-tip in my ear.

Re:Peroxide (3, Insightful)

Enahs (1606) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008688)

I do this on occasion. It's been beneficial, imho. Stupid author is stupid.

Re:Peroxide (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008710)

Same with the pregnancy question.

Seems perfectly reasonable to search for information regarding the accuracy of those tests and what can affect them.

Re:Peroxide (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009064)

My son wears hearing aids, which interfere with the natural drainage of wax from his ear canal...

Squirting a dilute hydrogen peroxide solution into his ears with a syringe is EXACTLY how his ENT told us to remove the wax deposits which occasionally form.

Digging around in there with a swab is actually a bad idea...

Re:Peroxide (1)

athakur999 (44340) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009142)

I suppose if you're ridiculously pedantic, you'd interpret "can you put peroxide in your ear?" as meaning "is it physically possible to put peroxide in your ear?" and the answer, of course, is yes and you'd have a good LOL and go back to counting the number of hairs on your arm.

Normal people, on the other hand, will interpret it as "is it a good idea to put peroxide in your ear?" which is indeed a valid and good question.

Why can't I own Canadians? (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008588)

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Re:Why can't I own Canadians? (4, Funny)

jimbobborg (128330) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008750)

Because Canada is the 51st state. Not to mention America's hat.

Re:Why can't I own Canadians? (2, Funny)

kimvette (919543) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009004)

If I learned anything from watching TV, it's that Canada is America, Jr. and therefore there is no reason to visit. Homer Simpson taught me that. ;)

Re:Why can't I own Canadians? (4, Informative)

kimvette (919543) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008992)

The concept of "slavery" that the Israelites practiced was similar to indentured servitude in early US history; not similar to the slavery the Israelites endured in Egypt or africans endured here in America. If you read leviticus all the way through you'll find that the "slaves"[sic] are to be set free and all debts released after a period of time (7 years IIRC), and also, every 50 years (the year of jubilee) all land should be returned to their original owners (so in effect land wasn't sold, but rather, leased).

So yes, you can have indentured servants (termed slaves in leviticus) but NOT slavery in terms of the horrible American slavery.

Having said that, you can't really enslave Canadians. After all, Canadians aren't really people! *kidding, obviously*

Re:Why can't I own Canadians? (1)

skine (1524819) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009172)

Interestingly, the Bible is the only source that claims that there was systematic Jewish slavery in Ancient Egypt.

Obligatory George Carlin Quote (5, Funny)

kidblast (413235) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008604)

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Re:Obligatory George Carlin Quote (0, Redundant)

ircmaxell (1117387) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008758)

And then think of how smart the smartest person is in relation to the average person. Then think that there is someone that's that much dumber than an average person... (Well, either that, or a whole lot more not as stupid people than really smart people)...

Re:Obligatory George Carlin Quote (1)

dxkelly (11295) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008906)

Thanks alot. Now I'm scared to go out to do the laundry. :-(

Re:Obligatory George Carlin Quote (1)

skine (1524819) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009192)

Thanks alot. Now I'm scared to go out to do the laundry. :-(

I'm sure you could use Google to find another way to do your laundry, but then again, it might end up being even stupider than any of the questions so far.

Your choice.

Re:Obligatory George Carlin Quote (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009070)

Dear Mr. Carlin, averages don't work that way. Sincerely, Humorless Pedant.

Re:Obligatory George Carlin Quote (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009184)

But it's not true...

Half of people are stupider than the median stupidity, but average stupidity can be far off of halfway up the stupid scale. It's entirely possible that the results are right skewed; maybe there are just some really smart people bringing up the average. Then way more than half of the people in the world are stupider than average.

I guess it's possible that there are just some really stupid people out there bringing down the average, but way more than half of the people I meet are really stupid, so I don't think that's the case.

let's not forget drunk & silly people (1)

danpritts (54685) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008608)

I can imagine "why can't i own a canadian" being a joke.

Personal anecdote (3, Interesting)

Estanislao Martnez (203477) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008620)

I once many years ago went to Google HQ to interview for a part-time job. In the lobby, right above the receptionist's desk, they had a big scrolling LCD thingy that shows actual searches that have been sent to the search engine.

The list was censored so that nothing NSFW would pop up, of course, but it was far from perfect. So me and my friend got treated to a good one: "voir les culottes de filles."

Years ago .. (1)

OzPeter (195038) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008624)

Juts for kicks I used to enter strings of random words into google just to see what sort of associations popped out .. it made for minutes of harmless fun but it always produced interesting results.

Can you put peroxide in your ear? (2, Informative)

rolfwind (528248) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008628)

Hydrogen Peroxide in your ears is a way to remove ear wax buildup.

Idk what is so worrying about that.

'Owning A Canadian' refers to a joke (5, Informative)

The_AV8R (1257270) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008638)

A radio personality named Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an orthodox jew, once said on her show that homosexuality was an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and could not be condoned under any circumstance. "Why Can't I Own A Canadian is the title of the letter in response to her comments [humanistsofutah.org] .

Wow. just. wow. (4, Funny)

idontgno (624372) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008640)

(No, not World of Warcraft.)

I just tried the little experiment in TFA with the phrase "What are..."

Google's #1 suggestion: "...these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for the fruit salad"

I boggle. I boggle at google.

There's an amazing untold story there. I hope it stays that way.

Re:Wow. just. wow. (1)

megamerican (1073936) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008854)

Example 2:

"Is the.."

#1 suggestion:

"is the world going to end in 2012"

#2 suggestion:

"is there anyway i can get this popular guy to get me pregnant"

0_o

Re:Wow. just. wow. (1)

Phrogman (80473) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009008)

Actually if you followed the first link in the results you would see its the title of a book for sale on Amazon.

Whiskey, tango, foxtrot... (0, Troll)

Enahs (1606) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008662)

"Scots are pigeon-hating perverts, but want to own monkeys, probably to fetch them fried food. No wonder we built a giant wall to keep them out of England."

Who wants a cockpunch?

Many of these questions are legitimate (5, Informative)

ShooterNeo (555040) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008664)

Many of the "inane" questions in the article illustrate the stupidity of the journalist who wrote the article. Most of these questions are legitimate, with a legitimate answer.

Some examples :
Can you put peroxide in your ear?

Actually, you can use it to remove earwax and to disinfect your ear if you went swimming in dirty water. It's a perfectly safe, legitimate use.

Am I going in labour?

Actually, other pains can be mistaken for labor, and it takes hours to develop in many women. Perhaps you're a woman, and you want to know if that abdominal pain was your first contraction or just a GI problem.

Am I having a heart attack?

Again, it's possible to mistake heartburn and cracked ribs for a heart attack. Maybe you should see what the symptoms are before you blow $300 at the Emergency Room.

Why can't black people swim? Why can't white people dance? Both must be stereotypical behaviors, and maybe there is a reason why it can seem like both are true.

Can you drink your own urine?

Again, a legitimate question. In a desperate situation, drinking your own urine may extend your survival under some environmental conditions. It's commonly mentioned in media.

Why would a pregnancy test be negative?

Yes, it's possible to get a negative test and be pregnant.

Can two women make a baby?

Yes, it's possible with newly developed technology to create sperm from stem cells. However, it has never been demonstrated in humans and may be quite unsafe.

Re:Many of these questions are legitimate (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008764)

Maybe the writer of the article should have googled the questions first?

Re:Many of these questions are legitimate (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008954)

(1) Google "What is the chance" and facepalm away.

(2) Slate had an article this week about the differences between how people ask google questions. It's enlightening.

http://www.slate.com/id/2234019/

Not Impressed (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008666)

Of course, if you just look at the suggestions they're funny, but if you actually search them there's actually context beyond just total retards googling shit. For instance, the "Why Can't I Own a Canadian?" question is in reference to this letter: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html
 
Breaking news: things have context!

Satire Filter (0, Redundant)

Telos06 (1608981) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008740)

Why Can't I Own a Canadian [humanistsofutah.org] is an article satirizing fundamentalist Christian condemnation of homosexuality (aimed at "Dr." Schlessinger in particular). This is the problem with taking searches out of context - you assume the person is asking a legitimate question when it could mean a number of other things.

My own contribution: (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008746)

Me:
what is the

Google:
date today
meaning of life
population of Canada
name of bo and luke dukes 69 dodge charger in the tv series the dukes of hazzard
population of the world
sum of days in a week months in a year hours in a day
largest city in canada
canadian dollar worth
best laptop
capital of california

I don't know how their system works, but I don't think it's based on actual searches that people have done. I mean, how many people who google for the name of the Dukes' car would actually type a full sentence like that?

Another one I just tried:

Me:
what's worse than
Google:
a pile of dead babies

thousand monkeys (1)

tarzan353 (246515) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008756)

Reminds me of the "thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters" thought experiment.

As a side note, I think that this confirms my pet theory concerning time travel: any attempt to do it will change the past, which changes the conditions of the travel slightly, which changes the past, and so on, until the travel never occurs and the past stops changing. In other words, a spacetime where time travel happens is unstable and decays into one where it won't. Quantum uncertainty would, in this interpretation, be there to allow causality to "stretch" enough to allow such decay; a hypothethical universe without quantum uncertainty but with sentience and time travel (which is an inevitable outcome of the Theory of Relativity, which in turn is an inevitable outcome from the laws of physics being the same for all observers) would tear itself apart. You can thus deduct the Uncertainty Principle from the Anthropic Principle (we are here, so this universe must be able to support sentient life).

I wonder if you could calculate the minimum required amount of uncertainty for spacetime to stay consistent, and how it would relate to observed/otherwise calculated values? Assume that the first singularity formed at t=0, and has been moving infinitely close to lightspeed ever since, and connects to every other time period through a wormhole, and go from there. The math is beyond me, does anyone else care to try?

Jesus (5, Funny)

Absolut187 (816431) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008760)

FTFA: "Why would a little girl in Yorkshire think Jesus was born in an egg?"

HAHA. What a stupid little girl. Everyone knows that Jesus was born to Mary after she immaculately conceived him by receiving God's seed somehow.

An egg. LOL.
Moron.

Jesus came from an egg (2, Informative)

Saishuuheiki (1657565) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009078)

Everyone knows the holiday Easter came from the three wise-men scouring the desert looking for the egg of Jesus.

I entered (1)

al0ha (1262684) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008774)

How can I nail...

I expected Google to suggest, "a hot chick." at minimum, but instead it suggested nothing.

Re:I entered (3, Funny)

idontgno (624372) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008860)

That's proof that Google understands the distinction between fact and fiction (let alone blatant impossibility).

The obvious weakness... (2, Funny)

fuzzyfuzzyfungus (1223518) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008776)

Of this piece is the same issue that plagues the "Dear God, look at Yahoo Answers, and weep for humanity" articles.

Obviously, the internet is, in fact, filled with fucktards; but it is also full of people searching for jokes, people trolling for the lulz, satire, google bombing, etc. Without reasonably solid statistics munching, you can't really say whether a given query is common because people are searching for it in seriousness, in jest, because they are mocking the people who were searching for it seriously, etc, etc.

Not all so stupid (1)

GuyFawkes (729054) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008892)

We typed: 'Why can't...'
Google suggests: '...black people swim?'

Answer: There is no answer to this question. It's demented to even ask it.

In fact, not quite so stupid, black people can swim, just not as well as white people, and it is all due to average density and skeleton formation.

Re:Not all so stupid (1)

GuyFawkes (729054) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008988)

Replying to myself...

The flipside is white people can run, just not as well as black people, for the same bone / skeleton reasons.

(human racism has always seemed to me like a labrador and a retriever arguing who us best... )

Funny effect (1)

parallel_prankster (1455313) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008894)

So there is an weird and funny effect here. Apparently a lot of the google suggestions are funny and it may be because when people search for something and something else comes up which is funny, they wanna go look at it. This way the funny result keeps climbing the rankings. At some point the result for what are these strawberries doing on my nipples was not the number 1 result, but it seems funny and so people end up clicking on it and this is how its become number 1. http://www.flickr.com/photos/torley/3558343796/ [flickr.com] Case closed.

Stupid to ask questions? (2, Insightful)

syousef (465911) | more than 4 years ago | (#30008900)

Since when is it now laughable or stupid to ask questions to relieve oneself of ignorance? I'd say it's stupid to want to stay ignorant.

Basing your actions entirely on one or two less than credible sources might be stupid. I wouldn't put peroxide in my ear for instance without making sure I had plenty of credible sources to back that action. However asking the question on a search engine which might lead me to such credible sources is anything but stupid.

Whoever came up with this tripe is the one that's stupid. We don't need to praise willful ignorance, when knowledge is just a google query away...

Re:Stupid to ask questions? (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009178)

It's always laughable to be ignorant. That's why anyone who can't laugh at themselves should be sterilized.

Why w... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008910)

Why wont my parakeet eat my diarrhea

Ow... my head.

Anonymous Coward (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30008990)

Seems like slashdot is becoming a place for morons to post all kinds of stuff here!!!

OMFG (1)

adosch (1397357) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009068)

Why can't a pregnancy test be negative? It's called pregnancy test for a reason, not "Still a Whore" test.

Follow the Rabbit Hole... (2, Interesting)

pspahn (1175617) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009128)

So I tried a few of the searches myself, I wanted to see what these pages actually said. After reading the article here [christwire.org] , I found myself in a world of hilarity. The web is an interesting place.

Given certain situations... (1)

Adustust (1650351) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009140)

Google may be the only immediately available source of information someone can get to. The author of this article obviously had nothing to do but sit and play with the suggestion feature and figured he could burn a work day with an article to justify how he wasn't actually wasting his time. If someone is having problems with chest pains, you can imagine they are getting scared, but it's not like they know exactly what a heart attack is supposed to feel like so they don't want to take action in case they're wrong. Someone who doesn't have insurance for example, should definitely check google for possible symptoms. Obviously if the case were serious enough, you probably would just go to the hospital regardless. However, many cases of heart attack patients actually turn out to be heartburn or acid reflux. The same goes for the "Am I going into labor" question. Instances of women getting pregnant is rare, but happens much more often than you'd think. The experience of going into labor would be extremely frightening if you had not been expecting it or learning about it several months in advance. The article seems to be written with an elitist point of view with no actual insight towards real world situations that would bring these searches about. Granted, there are definitely some listed that are stupid, the author could have done a better job finding far, far better examples. Like, "why is there a dead pakistani on my couch?" Although, perhaps if there was one on my couch, I may ask the same question.

How much will it cost to hire a (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30009194)

Pindostani as a personal assistant for one year? The question, obviously, presumes that Pindostanis are capable of working.

Yours In Novorossisysk,
Kilgore Trout

This one is the worst (4, Insightful)

Explodicle (818405) | more than 4 years ago | (#30009204)

We typed: 'Am I going...'
Google suggests: '...into labour?'
Answer: There's an easy and reliable way to test. Is there a brand-new human poking out of your lower body? If yes, then congratulations, you're going into labour. More accurately, you're already in it.


I'm amazed that these guys make fun of a question, act like wiseasses who know the answer, yet did not read the results of the search! The early stages of labor can start DAYS before birth, and false labor is very common.
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