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The Star Wars Christmas Special Still Exists

CmdrTaco posted more than 4 years ago | from the truth-is-out-there dept.

Star Wars Prequels 316

rapturizer noted the critical news that "Fans of "Star Wars" have a chance to see a free screening of the notoriously bad 'Star Wars Holiday Special' next week in Minneapolis." Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like watching what may very well be the worst TV ever produced. Sadly however, I'm not sure that this is the worst *Star Wars* merch ever made.

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The worst TV eh? (0, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387362)

Is it an Insignia?

Obviously the template (0, Troll)

Goodl (518602) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387374)

for the notoriously bad prequels, you could see it all coming I tells ya

Re:Obviously the template (1)

Wowsers (1151731) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387448)

Notoriously bad*? Did Lucas do something like clean up the picture then add characters into the original to change the plot of certain scenes, thus ruining the original?

* I am not a SW "fan", and have not seen this "special", only that Weird Al Yankovic knows of it in the video "White and Nerdy".

Re:Obviously the template (4, Insightful)

commodore64_love (1445365) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387626)

It would be nice if Lucas released a Special Edition of Episode I that had Jar-Jar Binks excised. Or if that's not possible, redub his voice so he sounds normal instead of racist.

Re:Obviously the template (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387798)

There is a fan edit which is very well done and does exactly what you are asking for http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phantom_Edit [wikipedia.org]

Re:Obviously the template (1)

thedudethedude (1462877) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388106)

The biggest mistake is denying a mistake.

Re:Obviously the template (3, Funny)

operagost (62405) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388292)

Racist? I didn't realize you could be racist against a fictional species. I mean, I don't think Gungans even have race; they all seem to have the same basic body type and skin color. Jar Jar says "meesa" a lot, but I assumed that was brain damage.

Re:Obviously the template (1, Troll)

pnewhook (788591) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388390)

I agree. Racist? How is that possibly racist?

Re:Obviously the template (4, Insightful)

biryokumaru (822262) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387716)

Notoriously bad?

I actually kind of liked the Star Wars Holiday Special with the, what was it? The Festival of Life? And the Wookie family. I thought it was pretty neat, personally. I don't know why everyone is so down on it.

Especially in contrast to the new movies.

Not really the new Star Wars movies. Like, Twilight. That had to be, by a wide margin, the worst film I have ever seen. That anyone has ever seen. Acting, directing, writing. All of it was excruciatingly bad. I really don't know why people are so down on this holiday special thing when there are much worse films out there.

Re:Obviously the template (3, Insightful)

Dadamh (1441475) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387932)

People are down on it not because of objective badness, but because of badness tied to a well-loved series.

Most sane people that aren't teenaged girls didn't expect much from Twilight, and it wasn't an established movie series.

Star Wars, however, was an established canon that was well-loved, and the holiday special was awful. It was a disappointment.

That's all it is really.

Re:Obviously the template (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30388202)

> Star Wars, however, was an established canon that was well-loved, and the holiday special was awful. It was a disappointment.

Well, kinda. There was only the original "Star Wars" in 1978 when the Holiday Special aired - and it didn't have no friggin "Episode IV" in the crawl, either!

Re:Obviously the template (1)

tg123 (1409503) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388274)

Notoriously bad?

I actually kind of liked the Star Wars Holiday Special with the, what was it? The Festival of Life? And the Wookie family. I thought it was pretty neat, personally. I don't know why everyone is so down on it.....

You have not seen it have you.

I had the misfortune of watching this during a "bad films theme night" at the cinema.
Its Wookie grunting for Half the show and a little kid Wookie that you want to strangle.

Jefferson Airplane play some songs.

Han Solo and Chewee make an appearance and last but not least Luke Skywalker shows up.

The Luke Skywalker appearance is the most interesting part as his face is caked in makeup - think Geisha and then double it.

Mark Hamill was recovering from a car crash which led to him having plastic surgery to repair his face.

http://www.democraticwings.com/democraticwings/archives/civil_liberties/003133.php [democraticwings.com]

Re:Obviously the template (1)

biryokumaru (822262) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388352)

I have seen it and I honestly didn't think it was all that bad. It was markedly less painful than, say, watching Metropolis with the original subtitles. That is torturous.

Re:Obviously the template (4, Funny)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387528)

for the notoriously bad prequels

Don't worry, Lucas fixed it up this time. All of the blasters and light-sabers have been replaced by walkie-talkies and Santa shoots first.

Re:Obviously the template (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387678)

I hope Santa was wearing protection.

Re:Obviously the template (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387670)

Eps 1-3 and the clone wars animated film were works of art on par with The Ring Cycle by comparison with the holiday special, and trust me, that's not praise.

Oh no (4, Informative)

quall (1441799) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387386)

The only thing worse than watching the special, is watching it on VHS.

Re:Oh no (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387438)

Not only that, but as TFS states, to also watch it on the worst TV.

Re:Oh no (1)

Megane (129182) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387480)

...a multi-generation copy, where one of the intermediate copies had the tape crunched somewhere in the middle.

Oh, and would it have hurt someone to put ANY sort of link in TFS?

Re:Oh no (1)

ByOhTek (1181381) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387648)

I thought the crunch in the middle would be nice - a moment of respite from the torture.

Re:Oh no (2, Informative)

commodore64_love (1445365) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387654)

Re:Oh no (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387684)

I'm torrenting this with all the files set to dont download because its so bad.

Re:Oh no (2, Informative)

Trigun (685027) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388006)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=323909610753051544# [google.com]

With cheesy 1978 commercials and everything.

I've seen that show (2, Insightful)

JeffSpudrinski (1310127) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387388)

...and I have to say that if I went to free screening of it, I would demand a full refund.

My KIDS won't even watch it, and that's saying something.

Oblig. xkcd (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387460)

Re:I've seen that show (1)

dkleinsc (563838) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387838)

Weird Al [flickr.com] should definitely demand one as well.

Link (1)

rodrigoandrade (713371) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387390)

Link or it didn't happen!!

Re:Link (2, Informative)

Farmer Tim (530755) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387634)

Didn't happen...next week? Only a time traveller would get their tenses mixed up like that, therefore:

RODRIGOANDRADE IS A LHC SABOTEUR FROM THE FUTURE! SIEZE HIM!!!

Re:Link (1)

machine321 (458769) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388118)

He went to see it with John Titor.

Re:Link (1)

megamerican (1073936) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388384)

From the pioneer press: [twincities.com]

Fans of "Star Wars" have a chance to see a free screening of the notoriously bad "Star Wars Holiday Special" next week in Minneapolis.

The Minnesota Film and TV Board is showing the 1978 television special as an official Toys for Tots event. It will be screened Dec. 16 at Bryant-Lake Bowl.

Film Board director of services Chris Grap is a fan of bad movies. Grap says he "couldn't believe" the "Star Wars Holiday Special" existed.

The plot involves Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca the Wookie back to his home planet to celebrate Life Day. The cast includes original "Star Wars" actors as well as Bea Arthur, Art Carney and Harvey Korman.

The screening is free, but people bringing a toy donation will get priority seating. Doors open at 9 p.m.

— Associated Press

Proof of the dark side (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387398)

It was proof that Lucas really is the sith lord

is it really that bad? (1)

OrangeTide (124937) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387400)

Can it really be worse than Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor?

even as a little kid I felt they were lame and painful to watch.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

S-4'N3 (1232394) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387450)

OMG, yes. Yes it really is worse. I mean, I was able to sit through Ewoks: Battle for Endor all the way through. I couldn't finish watching the Christmas special. I would liken it to being digested in the sarlacc pit (pre-special edition) for thousands of years.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

Vorpix (60341) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387452)

yes, yes it can be worse. (still worth seeing though)

Re:is it really that bad? (4, Insightful)

Rary (566291) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387592)

When I tell people about it, I go on and on and on about how unbelievably bad it is. I insist that it's worse than the worst you can possibly think of and then some. I tell them that it's not one of those things that's so bad that it's good, it's so bad that it's just bad. Really, really, really, really, really bad. Horrible. And not in a way that's funny. It's just bad.

When people I've warned about it end up finally seeing it, they always tell me that my warnings didn't even come close to preparing them for just how bad it actually was.

I'd say that, even if you're a die-hard fan, SWHS is so bad that it's not even worth seeing. I personally can't bring myself to watch it a second time. It's just so freakin' bad.

Do yourself a favour. Stay away from it — far, far away.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

dkleinsc (563838) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387870)

How does it compare with Manos: The Hands of Fate (without MST)?

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

neurovish (315867) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388080)

When I tell people about it, I go on and on and on about how unbelievably bad it is. I insist that it's worse than the worst you can possibly think of and then some. I tell them that it's not one of those things that's so bad that it's good, it's so bad that it's just bad. Really, really, really, really, really bad. Horrible. And not in a way that's funny. It's just bad.

When people I've warned about it end up finally seeing it, they always tell me that my warnings didn't even come close to preparing them for just how bad it actually was.

I'd say that, even if you're a die-hard fan, SWHS is so bad that it's not even worth seeing. I personally can't bring myself to watch it a second time. It's just so freakin' bad.

Do yourself a favour. Stay away from it — far, far away.

He speaks the truth...I was also told how bad it was, including "the first 10 minutes are nothing but grunting wookies", and I did not heed the warnings. I foolishly thought that it couldn't be nearly as bad as everybody says it is. But yes, it is. I would warn others not to watch it, but I know you won't listen. If you really want to see it that badly, it's up on youtube. The highlight of the entire thing is the commercials from 1978, they are an interesting contrast to commercials of today.

Re:is it really that bad? (4, Funny)

blincoln (592401) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388154)

If further reinforcement is needed, I loaned my VHS copy to a coworker. It literally drove him to drink - he was a teetotaler until he'd sat through the Holiday Special.
It is far, far worse than the Ewok movies.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

chaotixx (563211) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388132)

It's so bad it goes right past good and back to bad.

Re:is it really that bad? (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387598)

The Holiday Special is amazingly bad.

Re:is it really that bad? (4, Insightful)

Tridus (79566) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387656)

You have no idea. People who say this is the worst TV ever made are NOT exaggerating.

You can't deliberately make something this bad. I don't think you can even accidentally do it again. This is a once in a civilization mass failure that transcends ordinary failure and sets a new standard.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

Critical Facilities (850111) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387712)

You have no idea. People who say this is the worst TV ever made are NOT exaggerating

That's a bold statement. Remember this [imdb.com] ?

Re:is it really that bad? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387790)

The Star Wars Christmas Special makes the KISS special look like Casablanca.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

sewiv (171989) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387856)

Yes. I've seen both.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

Steeltalon (734391) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387752)

Well, you tell me... How bad is Bea Arthur singing and dancing with Roadian Bounty Hunters?

I remember the Ewok movies and, yes, they were horrible (like having the Ewok language as english but backwards). This is a variety special, though, featuring Bea Arthur, Art Carney, and Jefferson Starship.

On the bright side, it also has the cartoon introduction of Boba Fett, but that's the only redeeming quality.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

neurovish (315867) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388092)

Well, you tell me... How bad is Bea Arthur singing and dancing with Roadian Bounty Hunters?

Unfortunately, Bea Arthur's Mos Eisley musical number is one of the better parts. :(

Re:is it really that bad? (3, Funny)

schon (31600) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387774)

OK, go find a copy of Shatner's "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", and listen to it 20 times in a row.

It's *that* bad.

Re:is it really that bad? (2, Insightful)

AttillaTheNun (618721) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387966)

No - that's camp and I find it enjoyable on multiple listens.

However, I have no desire to venture past the couple of youtube clips for the Star Wars Christmas Special.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

AttillaTheNun (618721) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387994)

Leonard Nimoy's "Bilbo Baggins", however, is closer. The only redeeming quality is the elves/hobbits/whatever in miniskirts.

Re:is it really that bad? (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30388246)

A prize for anyone who can track down a copy of "Space Jazz" by L. Ron Hubbard. It's his own composition; a musical accompaniment to "Battlefield Earth". I doubt that any number of hobbits could redeem it.

Re:is it really that bad? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30388146)

My best memory of that song is from a radio show presented by British comedians Stewart Lee and Richard Herring. They played the song and added commentary. It went like this:

William Shatner: Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes...And she's gone. [weird echo effect]

Richard Herring: William Shatner obviously thinks you actually have to *be* on LSD to sing this song.

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

Conspiracy_Of_Doves (236787) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387884)

It's right down there with "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing".

As was once said about that game, it is "As bad as your mind will allow you to comprehend."

Re:is it really that bad? (1)

omnichad (1198475) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387986)

Watch it, and just wait until you get to Bea Arthur's song. Yes, you read that right.

Re:is it really that bad? (2, Funny)

bill_mcgonigle (4333) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388042)

Can it really be worse than Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor?

No, it's not that bad. Those were trying to be serious and lacked in almost every department.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was meant to be a holiday song & dance special, set with Star Wars characters. The plot is reasonable for kids and the acts are amusing. There's even the introduction of Boba Fett, with more characterization of the character than in either ESB or ROJ. There is imagination portrayed in most of the costumes and acts acts and especially the Wookie house set (a 1970's dream home hung a mile high up a tree), but it's certainly targeted at the 4-10 year old audience it was written for (it's designed that way because it's a home they can feel comfortable with).

If you want it to be a serious entry in the Star Wars saga, you'll of course be seriously disappointed. But that would be missing the point entirely - this is the Carol Burnette show set on Kashyyk meant to make kids happy and drive home the point that it's important to be with family on the holidays. If there's no room in your heart for such a use of the Star Wars Universe, then holiday fare from Dickens and Geisel would be recommended viewing.

Re:is it really that bad? (4, Informative)

VShael (62735) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388256)

That show is touched by darkness, Ambassador.
I see it as a blemish that grew over time.

I could warn you, of course, but you would not listen.
I could kill you, but someone else would watch it in your place.
So, I do the only thing I can. I go.

Oh, if it was a review you wanted? A word or two, about the special itself?
Well, take this, for what little it will profit you.

As I look at you, I see a great hand reaching out of the darkness, trying to blot out the moviescreen.
The hand is your hand.

And I hear sounds--the sounds of billions of people calling your name, telling you "NO!! DON'T LOOK!! CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!"

Why is this on the front page?! (4, Insightful)

ddillman (267710) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387402)

Wonderful article. NOT! No mention of what theater? When? No linky to information that would let people know WHY this is so bad? Pfeh!

Re:Why is this on the front page?! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387446)

+1

Link (5, Informative)

DieByWire (744043) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387440)

For those of you awaking in your tauntaun right now on Hoth (aka Minneapolis), here's the link [twincities.com] .

Re:Link (5, Informative)

eldavojohn (898314) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387490)

For those of you awaking in your tauntaun right now on Hoth (aka Minneapolis), here's the link [twincities.com] .

Indeed, from your link:

Film Board director of services Chris Grap is a fan of bad movies. Grap says he "couldn't believe" the "Star Wars Holiday Special" existed. The plot involves Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca the Wookie back to his home planet to celebrate Life Day. The cast includes original "Star Wars" actors as well as Bea Arthur, Art Carney and Harvey Korman.

Keep in mind that this is the birthplace of MST3K [wikipedia.org] and a great time in Minneapolis is a case of beer and one really bad movie with your friends. Slightly offtopic but five episodes of MST3K are on Hulu now [slashdot.org] .

tauntaun (2, Funny)

jDeepbeep (913892) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387718)

For those of you awaking in your tauntaun right now

As a matter of fact, I was [thinkgeek.com] .

Star Wars is not scientific (1)

For a Free Internet (1594621) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387444)

It misleads children into false assumptions about physics and astrobiology. Its extremely deleterious and miseducational effects warrant an official ban by Congress and the United Nations so we can promote Education and Knowledgis for the children, who as I have said many times are oiur FUTURE. THINK!

Re:Star Wars is not scientific (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387542)

You're correct, Citizen. Oiur Knowledgis are under assault! Your thinking vigilance has been noted, and you will be spared in the purges.

This version isn't true to the original (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387466)

Santa shot first!

Re:This version isn't true to the original (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387730)

Yeah, Santa commited suiced when he saw the Star Wars Christmas special. But only after trying to get the horrifying images out of his head by replacing them with much more pleasent stuff like bike-car accidents, war photography or the holocaust.

There's a science to it (5, Informative)

perlmangle (49439) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387468)

Re:There's a science to it (1)

phantasmagoric (1626559) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388318)

Science of course! Pretty graphs never lie!

Copy on DVD (1)

GoNINzo (32266) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387536)

So, a couple years ago at 'B-Fest', a Chicago festival of bad movies, I 'won' a copy of a DVD burn of someone's VHS copy. I showed it to some of my friend's kids recently, and even they started trashing it. So yes, it is out there, somewhere.

eep, publicity... (1)

Sqweegee (968985) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387552)

Lucas is going to get wind of this and shut it down.

"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it." - George Lucas

Re:eep, publicity... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387666)

Then we can make the story into a movie!

Fighting the frizzies at 11... (0, Offtopic)

Bones3D_mac (324952) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387554)

Just had to say it.

Re:Fighting the frizzies at 11... (2, Informative)

Bones3D_mac (324952) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387624)

For anyone still scratching their heads... here [wikipedia.org] ...

For anyone else, congrats on "getting it"

Re:Fighting the frizzies at 11... (1)

Bones3D_mac (324952) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387722)

More [wikipedia.org] on "the frizzies"

So what do you do? (1)

NoYob (1630681) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387556)

So, do you go to the screening and jeer at it? Or sit there and have "Mystery Science Theater 3000" type of comments throughout?

I mean, what's the point in even going?

Re:So what do you do? (1)

omnichad (1198475) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388028)

You can't jeer, you can't make comments - you're too busy laughing. It's that bad.

Awesome (4, Informative)

VincenzoRomano (881055) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387566)

Re:Awesome (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30388426)

Holy fuck that sucks.

I made it to 1:23. Anyone beat that?

tss....ah! (1)

davcorp (465418) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387580)

God I can remember watching this as a kid and being so angry that I waited with such anticipation for such a momentous piece of unwatchable crap. AND I had to sit through endless incomprehensible singing... I distinctly remember thinking to my self WHY ON EARTH are they singing in the Star Wars Universe?? I will murder to get those precious hours back from my childhood.

StarWarsHolidaySpecial.com (3, Informative)

sean_nestor (781844) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387594)

StarWarsHolidaySpecial.com [starwarsho...pecial.com]

Fan site about the special...worth checking out for more details on the subject.

I quite liked it actually. (1)

lxs (131946) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387600)

Just kidding. It stinks to high heaven. Still better than anything starring Adam Sandler though.

Kiss Movie (2, Interesting)

stewbacca (1033764) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387646)

Worse than the Kiss movie?

Klingon Christmas Carol (3, Informative)

hansamurai (907719) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387694)

For those of us in the Twin Cities who are more interested in something less... atrociously awful, there's the Klingon Christmas Carol being performed right now at Mixed Blood!

http://www.cbtheatre.org/KCC2009/KCC2009.htm [cbtheatre.org]

Most of us have seem this already (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30387704)

It seems to me that most of us should have seen this by now. If, like me, you were old enough to watch it on tv when it originally aired (but not to old to realize how crappy it was) you were blown away (especially by the cartoon portions - and don't pretend you weren't. It was the talk for weeks to come). As for anyone else, a horrible multi-generational vhs rip has been floating around the net for years. It may be horrible, but damn it is funny to watch.

Who's laughing now? (5, Funny)

cloudnin (843721) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387732)

Whenever I try to share some of my Malla and Lumpy centric Star Wars fanfic with people, they always turn me down and say something like, "The Star Wars Christmas Special doesn't exist, George Lucas even said so," or, "The events of the Christmas Special aren't canonical." Well, who's laughing now, fuckers?

Great (3, Funny)

l3ert (231568) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387744)

This might be just whats needed to eliminate fans that somehow survived the prequels!

The plot - Warning: SPOILERS (0, Flamebait)

Aan Cocks (1696952) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387982)

Obi-Wan woke with a start. A flickering in the Force had caught his notice. A vergence in the Force, Qui-Gon had called him.

The flickering in the Force was the presence of his former Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. He was near to his former Master, and it was the kind of disturbance no Knight could sleep through. Their Master-apprentice mindlink had survived even Anakin's turn into the dark side.

Which had done little for his sleep. Obi-Wan rose from the sleep-couch and silently donned his robe. Anakin had been his student; his companion and his most intimate friend since Qui-Gon had left him. Obi-Wan felt certain that Anakin was not a lost cause. He could be turned back to the light.

Qui-Gon would never have let him turn to the dark side in the first place.

Obi-Wan walked slowly to the cockpit of the transport, pondering.

Anakin could not have turned utterly to evil, because their mindlink remained. Of course, who knew if that meant anything? But surely there was still some good in him. Surely young Anakin Skywalker, of the touseled blond hair and the happy smile, could not have been eliminated completely. Yes, he had turned into a brooding adolescent, quiet and sullen, but the little blond child as Obi-Wan had first known him was surely deep inside. Surely.

And if he will not turn?

If Anakin would not turn back to the light, Obi-Wan understood that he was walking into the waiting arms of death. But there was no escaping it. He had to try to turn Anakin back, before it was too late. /Do, or do not. There is no try./

So Obi-Wan would do. He had to. It was his responsibility. To himself, to Anakin, to Qui-Gon, and to the galaxy.

He smiled bitterly into the empty darkness of the cockpit. He would finish what he had started. Somehow.

*

Obi-Wan searched the Force for Anakin, and it led him to a darkened, empty hangar bay. The boy was waiting for him.

Anakin had dressed in a black jumpsuit. His light hair was touseled, and he looked as innocent as he had the day he'd left. Except, that is, for his eyes. They had aged a hundred years in only days.

Obi-Wan walked towards him slowly, his brown robe swishing softly against his legs. "Were you calling me?"

A quiet smile spread over Anakin's face. His features were familiar yet somehow different. Altered. His teeth were very white, visible to Obi-Wan even in the dim light. "On the contrary...you were calling me."

"Was I?" Obi-Wan said with a touch of earnestness. "What made you answer?"

Anakin came towards him, faster than Obi-Wan would have liked. His weapon slapped against his leg as he stalked his former Master. "You hope to turn me from my destiny," he said in a low, toneless voice. The barest glint of anger dwelled within it. Anakin's new alliance with evil showed fully only in his eyes, which burned with molten fury.

Obi-Wan felt cold fear steal into his chest. "This isn't your destiny, Anakin."

"Why did I come? I came to silence you." Anakin tugged out his lightsaber and snapped it on. It had looked the same as his old one, but it was a new saber; bright blood red had replaced the traditional Jedi color of the other.

Quickly, but reluctantly, Obi-Wan tossed his brown robe to the side and slowly pulled out his lightsaber. "I came to help you find yourself again," he tried. Anakin stood back a moment, studying his posture and stance.

"Anakin don't make me fight you," he said in the lowest of voices. He was not afraid, but merely sorrowful. He was not afraid to die

oh Force, to be with Qui-Gon again...

but he needed to live; to turn Anakin away from the darkness and evil that had drawn him in. He would defend himself, if necessary. Obi-Wan steeled himself; he had to succeed in this mission. He had failed once; he must not fail again. Anakin had to be redeemed.

"You shouldn't have come," Anakin answered, and his voice echoed oddly. It sounded different...and somehow wrong. It was deeper than it had been when he'd left his Master, but there was more to it than that. It was quieter, its undertones edged with the dark.

Anakin where did you go wrong?

Obi-Wan parried the first red slashes easily. He was an excellent fighter; he had been since he'd first held his lightsaber. But Anakin was only testing him. Force-fast, Anakin spun his red laser towards the Jedi's midsection and Obi-Wan only barely leaped out of the way. The fight had barely begun, he realized, and already Anakin was pushing him to his limits. Already he was nearly out of breath.

Anakin was all attack, and little defense, but Obi-Wan did not want to kill his opponent, and probably he could not have even had he wanted to. He settled for blocking the solid, painful blows, but he recognized that trying to tire Anakin would be useless. The boy was too strong in the Force.

Obi-Wan did not want to give ground, but Anakin left him little choice. The younger man backed him into a smaller chamber, never letting up on his swiftly dangerous offensive. The narrow room was better lit, but Obi-Wan was not comforted. The brightness allowed him a perfect view of the demonic quality in Anakin's eyes; Obi-Wan wished he could not see them.

Obi-Wan felt the strike of the red saber vibrate through his arms, and he recognized that he was being forced backwards. Anakin sliced at him, at his head, at his torso and finally at his legs. Obi-Wan jumped over the burning red saber, and twisted away to regroup; to regain his composure.

But the younger man took him totally by surprise. Silently using the Force, he moved debris from the corner into Obi-Wan's rearward path. Obi-Wan did not trip, but it was a close thing, and he did stumble. Anakin abruptly brought the hilt of his lightsaber down onto Obi-Wan's shoulder, and the Jedi was stunned. It was only pain, and only for a single split second, but it was enough. Anakin took advantage of the moment, and Obi-Wan's weapon was loosened from his hand and flung away.

Grasping him by the neck, Anakin wrenched him around and slammed him against the wall. Obi-Wan's body tensed helplessly, involuntarily, expecting a final, fatal attack.

But then, instead of stabbing his former Master, Anakin turned his lightsaber off. Grasping both of Obi-Wan's wrists in one long-fingered hand, he held them against the wall, over the Jedi's head. He slowly dropped his other hand to lie caressingly on Obi-Wan's waist.

His cheek suddenly pressed against the coldness of the wall, Obi-Wan blanched as he realized what his student was thinking. "Anakin don't do this," he said, in as slow and calm a voice as he could manage.

He received no answer, only a tightening of the hands binding his wrists. Anakin was using not only his hands, but the Force. Desperate, Obi-Wan began to struggle against him, trying to tear himself from Anakin's powerful grip. But it was no use. Anakin had always been stronger; his midichlorian count was unprecedented.

That's why Qui-Gon wanted the boy for an apprentice. He refused you how many times? Three? Four? And was willing to drop you for the boy after three minutes with him. Obi-Wan began to slide the long descent into despair. But he would not submit; he would fight. He had too much pride not to.

The lightsaber surged back on with a hum, and Obi-Wan had a brief, flaring moment of hope. There was no dishonor in death. The momentary flash was destroyed, however, as Anakin carefully began to slit his clothes with the laser. The heat was unbearably close to him, and his body involuntarily stilled as the instinct of self-preservation took over. Frozen, he breathed hard, unable to quell his surge of terror. But the blood-colored beam burned up through his tunic without touching the fragile skin beneath; the dark side of the Force was guiding Anakin in his task.

Obi-Wan roused his unwilling body. He tried to move, to push against the wall or shove away, but the Force held him rigid and immobile. He moved just enough to get a burn for his trouble. It was but a fraction of an inch, yet it was too far. The pain stung, and he fought for control. How could Anakin have such mastery of the Force, that he could use it to keep Obi-Wan from moving while also cutting the clothing, and without slicing the Jedi in half? It should have been too much for one so young and inexperienced. But Anakin's concentration seemed effortless. Obi-Wan's leggings had been all but burned away.

When the saber went towards his boots, Obi-Wan stood stock still of his own volition, rooted to the spot and gripped by another overwhelming moment of panicked hysteria. It was too much. Anakin was going to cut off his legs at the knees, there was no way to avoid that. Even the Force could not give him the precision required to successfully do that...surely the leather was too thin, too closely wrapped around his legs...!?

But the boots too were slit, one after the other, and then his last inner articles of clothing. Obi-Wan was whole and not even really burned. His garments, however, were a different story, sliding easily to the floor. Anakin barely had to touch them. The leather of the boots peeled down around his lower legs like skinned fruits, and Obi-Wan stood exposed, face against the wall. His feet remained in the shoe parts of his boots, and a sleeve of his tunic remained hanging from him, a burnt flap of his leggings. Clothed only in tatters, he was apparently naked enough for the other man, who snapped off his lightsaber and put it away.

Exposed, nearly naked, and utterly vulnerable before the mouth of evil that waited for him.

Shamed, Obi-Wan tried to contort his body sideways, trying to pull away. He could not let this happen to him. He could not bear it. He had to escape, in any way he could...but even as he thought it he knew there would be no escape this time. Anakin was just too strong. Breathing hard, Obi-Wan bit his tongue, turning his head from side to side in a frantic, pointless search for some means of deliverance, some sanctuary, somewhere, somehow. The fact that Anakin was now letting him move only horrified him further. Anakin was allowing him to squirm, pinned like a helpless animal.

But then the motion of his head was stilled as the Force again flattened it against the wall. Obi-Wan fought to be calm, to harness the power of the light side of the Force, and he failed. His poise had long since been irrevocably shattered, and Anakin was siphoning all the powers of the Force to bend Obi-Wan to his will. The Jedi felt drugged, tired.

Obi-Wan felt Anakin press his head to the Jedi's struggling shoulder, inhaling the smell of his body, brushing against his hair. Then he felt the hands spreading his legs apart, laying him open for the taking. He resisted, trying to close them, but Anakin overpowered him with ease to spare. Obi-Wan gasped audibly as Anakin's penis brushed against him, at the hot drops of liquid already forming on its tip...at the fact of the thing itself, and at what his student intended to do to him. /Your eyes are so very wide, Master,/ Anakin mocked him through their bond. /Anakin stop don't do this Anakin no.../ Everything in him was screaming. He gasped as those treacherously soft hands roamed over his sensitive nipples, under his armpits. Exploring him, invading and defiling him. All of him. Anakin's legs rubbed between his, and those hands--no inch of skin was left untouched. They came to rest, finally, on his naked hips.

And then all conscious words dissolved, and Obi-Wan cried out as Anakin shoved himself far into him with a crushing violence. He hadn't been with a man since Qui-Gon had died; he was tight and Anakin was anything but gentle as he pleasured himself with the other's body, with Obi-Wan's smooth skin and soft hair. His tight ass, and his muscles, straining towards a freedom they could never obtain. The futile writhing of the other only added to the dark one's gratification as he thrust inside, and pulled out, and thrust in again.

Obi-Wan moaned in pain as Anakin fucked him. He could feel Anakin's anger, his hatred running like a poison stream below his darkened surface. He could feel the satisfaction the younger man took in punishing his former Master in this way. For everything or for nothing in particular, it made little difference now.

Stricken by the savage chaos of the assault, the Jedi stopped attempting to conceal his pain from the other. He no longer had the strength. why are you doing this?

But Anakin did not answer him. As the other man absorbed the anguish in the mental projections his breath came faster, and Obi-Wan felt the cold flow of that supple desire wash over him, into him, with the feel of Anakin inside him. It swept him up in a rush of physical nausea.

But the dark energy of the pain was rejuvenating Anakin. Refreshing him, and he was reveling in its gift.

Obi-Wan understood only belatedly.

His pain, felt directly through their mindbond, was turning Anakin on like nothing else could. /oh Anakin what has he done to you?/

Pain in the living Force bestowed intense power upon the dark side. The dark one released Obi-Wan's wrists and gripped his buttocks with both hands, holding him in place using only the Force.

His body racked with agony, his mind spinning, Obi-Wan gave up. He stopped fighting his former apprentice and let Anakin take him. He went slack, his body hanging like a rag doll under the other's slender, heated form. His hands fell limp to his sides as Anakin ravaged him rhythmically, every thrust killing something inside Obi-Wan. The dark one was enjoying his tortured submission as much as he'd liked his resistance. Sweat dripped between their bodies, between Anakin's stomach and Obi-Wan's back. He did not know whose it was. Anakin's motions became less jerky and smoother as more of the slippery fluid leaked from him, but Obi-Wan's pain was not lessened.

This is all because you failed. You failed to guide him in the light. Obi-Wan's blue-grey eyes involuntarily filled with tears; he thought of his Master, so long dead at the hands of that other Sith apprentice, and to the task he'd been sworn to as Qui-Gon had died. In his head he could hear his Master's voice all over again. /Promise me you will train the boy./ Could feel the gentle brush of fingers across cheek. Obi-Wan bent his head in sorrow. Master...I have failed you again. Tears ran down Obi-Wan's cheeks, but he did not move to wipe them away.

Anakin was rocking into him faster now, and harder than before. The being's passion was greedy, sadistic; Obi-Wan's anguish only enhancing his arousal. The intimacy between them was horrifying. Obi-Wan was open to him in every way, body, mind and soul. Even his thoughts were no longer his alone. He couldn't endure this. Pride kept him from crying aloud again, but what did it matter when Anakin heard every agonized thought, every sound in his mind?

And he could feel his aching torment delighting the other...three rapid thrusts, and Obi-Wan felt a slight snapping in the Force and the splash of liquid deep inside him. In that most private of areas, which no longer truly belonged to him. Nothing did, anymore...even though he was now alone again, in his mind.

Anakin released him. He stepped away, straightening his clothing, and Obi-Wan fell to the ground. Feeling fluid run down along his legs, he wondered vaguely if it was semen or blood. Probably it was both. He lay like that, then, in a heap where Vader had dropped him. Discarded him.

For the being was Vader, and he belonged to the Emperor. Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Master, no longer existed. This being was Darth Vader now, a Dark Lord of the Sith.

Obi-Wan realized he had made a terrible mistake in coming.

He moaned again, and rolled onto his side. Pain radiated through him from his center, his back, his legs. He could feel Vader's eyes on him, and he heard the snap-hiss of the Sith's lightsaber. Then came its characteristic hum, and Obi-Wan felt its blazing heat. Vader was going to kill him.

The Jedi lay still. His mind reeling, he waited for death. Dimly he sought the Force, but he felt like he would never move again. Vader or no Vader.

And then the hum died suddenly. Obi-Wan opened his eyes. Vader had flicked it off, and replaced it on his belt.

He's going to let me live. Obi-Wan came to the realization with something close to dismay. Well of course; what other choice would he make? Why should the Sith strike him down when he could let him live instead. Since everything he had lived for was gone.

Obi-Wan laughed harshly and to himself. The Jedi were rapidly becoming extinct. The Temples were destroyed, the Emperor had control of the galaxy and last but not least, Qui-Gon had been taken from him all those years ago. That pain was aged, but the wound was in many ways still fresh, still bleeding. His world had been obliterated, with everything he'd loved smashed to pieces like fragile bits of glass. At that moment, Obi-Wan couldn't imagine anything worse.

So Vader would let him live on.

Vader looked down at him for a few moments, amused or perhaps interested. Obi-Wan didn't know; couldn't tell. The mind of the Sith was closed to him now, bond or no bond. Perhaps the Knight-Padawan mindbond had finally been destroyed, in that snapping of the Force. Obi-Wan squeezed his eyes shut. He did not sense the being's departure, but he eventually realized that he was alone. In every way.

Obi-Wan's mind drifted, and he lay silent and unmoving for a great while. Get up, he told himself. He would face the destiny the Force had set for him with courage. Qui-Gon had always been impressed by his courage. But Qui-Gon was no longer there to comfort him; he would need every ounce of that courage to go on.

He would go back to Tatooine, yes. To wait. And he would be patient. Perhaps nothing could turn Anakin away from evil, but there was that one last hope for redemption.

Their only hope.

And he would always have Anakin...his friend and his beloved student. Obi-Wan would keep those memories sacred, keep them safe and separate from all....this.

Anakin was Anakin. Vader was Vader. Vader had violated him and left him to the cruelest fate he could imagine, but Anakin had been his Padawan. He'd loved Anakin, and still did. The boy was in there, behind the anger and the impatient hate and evil. Obi-Wan could still sense the Anakin he loved deep within the darkness. Perhaps it would yet be brought out.

Perhaps Anakin would someday live again.

In the meantime, he would heal. He would not forget this--he would never forget this--but he would put it behind him. He would go on.

Obi-Wan's entire being was wracked with pain as he struggled to stand and straighten, but he forced his much-abused body to obey him as he stood to face his future.

Pain could be lived with; it would have to be.

It would have to be.

Re:The plot - Warning: SPOILERS (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#30388158)

Nope.

Star Wars Christmas Special was still worse.

Star Wars Christmas Special? (1)

flabordec (984984) | more than 4 years ago | (#30387996)

Curiously I just realized that this masterpiece existed yesterday. The Nostalgia Critic sort of promised to review it next week in his He-Man and She-Ra review [thatguywit...lasses.com] and I had to Google it to see if it really happened.

To think I used to think of myself as a Star Wars nerd... :(

Of course it still exists (1)

leamanc (961376) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388058)

It has been on bootleg video since the day after it aired. It was somewhat hard to track down in the days before the Interwebs, but it's very easily found these days.

The real question here, which we can't get answered because there is no link, is what kind of screening are they holding? Something from the master tapes, or a DVD-R bootleg hooked to a digital projector?

It's like, how much more bad could this be? (3, Funny)

rubmytummy (677080) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388120)

The answer is none. None more bad.

George Lucas on the Holiday Special (4, Funny)

Qbertino (265505) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388138)

Excerpt from Interview:
MAXIM: "Any plans for a Special Edition of the Holiday Special?"
George Lucas: [hangs head] "Right. That's one of those things that happened, and I just have to live with it."

Hehe.

Star Wars Canon (4, Funny)

AlbinoClock (1185993) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388190)

There are six legitimate installments of Star Wars canon. A New Hope, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Caravan of Courage, The Battle for Endor, and The Star Wars Christmas Special.

hey... (1)

nimbius (983462) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388282)

I for one loved the christmas special star wars and eagerly await its release to 3d blu-ray you insensitive clod!

The bad story trifecta... (4, Informative)

damn_registrars (1103043) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388290)

Congrats, Taco, you have reached new heights in bad story accomplishments:
  • Meaningless headline - could George Lucas have somehow erased it from existence? I don't even think a Jedi master could accomplish that
  • No link or meaningful information in the headline - where in Minneapolis? and when?
  • Poorly written summary - do you have something against capitalization now?

Although I guess if the point is to emphasize just how bad the Star Wars Holiday Special really was, then that may have helped slightly. Though if it is so bad you aren't willing to give a summary that is worth squat, then why even put it on the front page?

That's inhuman! (1)

Minwee (522556) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388328)

Fans of "Star Wars" have a chance to see a free screening of the notoriously bad "Star Wars Holiday Special" next week in Minneapolis.

Couldn't they just be covered with honey and tied to an ant hill? Or forced to watch the Uwe Boll Film Festival with their eyes propped open while listening to loud Beethoven music? Why make them watch the Star Wars Holiday Special?

Related? (1)

aarenz (1009365) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388340)

There is a riff track special also being played through a simulcast at marcus theatres in the wisconsin area. http://www.marcustheatres.com/Movie/MovieDetail/63178 [marcustheatres.com]

Not sure if this is related directly or not, but it is the MST3K guys.

Admiral Akbar sez: (3, Funny)

thedbp (443047) | more than 4 years ago | (#30388378)

It's a trap!

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