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Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed To Tweet During Sex

samzenpus posted more than 4 years ago | from the nice-feed dept.

Idle 272

When an UK man was asked to be the best man at a friend's wedding he agreed that he would not pull any pranks before or during the ceremony. Now the groom wishes he had extended the agreement to after the blessed occasion as well. The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress. The device now automatically tweets when the couple have sex. The updates include the length of activity and how vigorous the act was on a scale of 1-10.

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First (5, Funny)

SparafucileMan (544171) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482404)

First!

130KG. 45 seconds.

Re:First (4, Funny)

Cryacin (657549) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482938)

You'd look kinda goofy all by yourself. I think it was a pressure sensor made for Two.

Re:First (0, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483560)

130kg is still 65kg per person (on average), which is quite reasonable actually... I don't know how much you weigh, but I am certainly FAR closer to 65kg than to 130kg.

Re:First (1, Informative)

Thinboy00 (1190815) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483706)

Reread that -- he's using metric.

ROFLLL (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482424)

ROFLCOPTER

Beowulf (5, Funny)

jmcbain (1233044) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482436)

Imagine a Beowulf cluster of these.

Re:Beowulf (3, Funny)

nametaken (610866) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483594)

Gross.

Um... (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482472)

They’re on the job! #2 - Action commenced at 15.50GMT. Weight: 151KG.

They’re on the job! #3 - Action commenced at 15.13GMT. Weight: 151KG.

They’re on the job! #4 - Action commenced at 19.14GMT. Weight: 151KG.

and later...

They’re on the job! #5 - Action commenced at 09.33GMT. Weight: 152KG.

Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from? 4 times in and they are already experimenting with sex toys?! I just don't know what to say as a virgin, unmarried slashdotter.

I guess the only fitting comment is "pics or it didn't happen"

Re:Um... (1)

Cimexus (1355033) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482512)

Although I admit this is a response deserving of a 'whoosh...', people tend to eat and drink things y'know? Your weight varies by a good +/- 1 kg throughout a typical day.

Re:Um... (5, Informative)

peektwice (726616) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482620)

Another possible 'whoosh'... but I think it's because she's married now, and no longer has to look good for the wedding. It happens EVERY time. Woman works out like crazy for months to fit into a particular dress size, then once the wedding cake hits her gullet, the fat starts piling on. To be fair, men get fatter too, but we don't "false advertise" for the wedding.

Re:Um... (1)

von_rick (944421) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483730)

Their cat jumped on the bed.

Re:Um... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482638)

I bet that She found a 1 pound heavier sex partner for the 5th time.

Re:Um... (1)

nomadic (141991) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482678)

Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?

Either a bottle of champagne. Or a riding crop.

Re:Um... (3, Funny)

Adriax (746043) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482944)

Hah! Further proof of the secret buggy whip manufacturer conspiracy!

Re:Um... (1)

geekgirlandrea (1148779) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483406)

Since when does a riding crop weigh 1 kg? One of these [stockroom.com] , maybe.

Re:Um... (1)

selven (1556643) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482704)

Different combination of bedsheets, clothes, etc?

Re:Um... (2, Funny)

lul_wat (1623489) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483640)

Um. This is kind of awkward to tell you. You don't usually wear clothes while having sex.

Re:Um... (2, Insightful)

von_rick (944421) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483766)

Does role-playing and fantasy mean nothing to you?

Re:Um... (5, Funny)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482918)

Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?

I highlighted the word that might shed some light on the situation ;)

Yes, I'm going to hell......

Re:Um... (5, Funny)

daveime (1253762) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483182)

1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !

Re:Um... (5, Funny)

Cryacin (657549) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483308)

Keep practicing!

Re:Um... (1)

oldspewey (1303305) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483532)

African or European?

Re:Um... (5, Funny)

Deisatru (1605213) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483658)

1kg of the stuff ? I find that a bit hard to swallow !

Thats what she said!

Re:Um... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483742)

Did you try chewing?

Re:Um... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482996)

You'll find out in 9 months.

Re:Um... (1)

MobileTatsu-NJG (946591) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483346)

Where did those extra 2.2 pounds come from?

Wedding cake is very fattening...

With friends like these, who needs enemies? (1)

BadAnalogyGuy (945258) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482474)

The friend is breaking the cardinal rule of pranks. Everyone must get a good laugh *before* spilling the beans.

So to recap:
1) Spit the seed
2) Tweet the deed
3) Spill the beans

Otherwise, the newlyweds are just going to screw elsewhere.

Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? (1)

56 (527333) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482904)

If you read the article, you would know that he's kept the twitter account anonymous, and hasn't told them yet.

Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? (1, Insightful)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482968)

I hope they aren't /. users.

Wait, they can't be, they are having sex ;) n/m.....

Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? (1)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483022)

Spit the seed

What if the wife wants to swallow it instead?

Re:With friends like these, who needs enemies? (5, Insightful)

k_187 (61692) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483628)

Then you've found a keeper

Groom doesn't know (1)

lazylocomotives (1645339) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482476)

If you check the bed's twitter, the best man says that the groom does not know yet. I may have missed something, but I don't think so.

Double blinded sex (4, Funny)

paiute (550198) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482478)

Unfortunately (well, maybe fortunately) all parties in this hack are anonymous. Otherwise, the new groom could rig up an automatic bed bouncing machine and become a sexual legend of Web 3.0.

Re:Double blinded sex (1)

master5o1 (1068594) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482910)

Children jumping on the bed: "They're at it again! Weight: 37kg."

Re:Double blinded sex (1)

e4g4 (533831) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483578)

I sincerely doubt this joke will last that long into the marriage.

Re:Double blinded sex (1)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483618)

It may happen sooner than you think. I found their wedding album on Facebook and if I'm not mistaken the bride's father was wielding a 12 gauge.... ;)

As one getting married in 11 days... (1)

Elros (735454) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482482)

I will have the hide of anyone foolish enough to try this on me!!!

Re:As one getting married in 11 days... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483684)

11 days? Man, my mail order bride didn't come with delivery tracking, who's your supplier?

Re:As one getting married in 11 days... (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483722)

Fuck you bitch ass. We are sticking that bitch in the ass as we speak. You ain't gonna do a thing 'bout it. Especially after we unload inside you bitch.

Obligatory (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482484)

I, for one, welcome our new pressure-sensitive, tweeting devices.

This is weak even for slashdot (1)

syousef (465911) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482488)

"Neither the friend nor the couple are known. In fact, who knows if this is even real, and who cares, it's hilarious."

What's next? Fart jokes? Unverified of course!

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

Concerned Onlooker (473481) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482528)

An invasion of privacy is hilarious?

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

peektwice (726616) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482630)

Does not anonymity grant privacy?

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (4, Informative)

awyeah (70462) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482676)

There's nothing funny about invasions of privacy.

But there's so many things that make this story hilarious.

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

BrokenHalo (565198) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483666)

I guess a mitigating factor here is that nobody except a total loser would ever bother reading posts on Twitter anyway, so the invasion of privacy was more or less meaningless...

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

BluBrick (1924) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483108)

Dear Mr. Onlooker,

It is not the invasion of privacy that is funny here. Move along, you need not be concerned.

Signed
The Humor Police

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

fotoguzzi (230256) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483190)

An invasion of privacy is hilarious?
It's called a prank. Pranks are funny. EOM

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

shutdown -p now (807394) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483226)

There's no invasion of privacy, since names are undisclosed. The only information that you get is that someone, somewhere, is having sex right now. If this comes as a surprise to you, I really have no further advice.

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

prockcore (543967) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483282)

Sure, they're undisclosed to us.. but the best man still set up a monitoring device in someone elses home, and surely he knows the couple..

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

MobileTatsu-NJG (946591) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483358)

An invasion of privacy is hilarious?

It is very easy for me to imagine that at some point in your life you've laughed at somebody getting their pants yanked down or maybe at embarrassing photos of people.

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482548)

What's next? Fart jokes?

From The Article:

Before I go any further I should say 90% the tech is ripped from http://bit.ly/kvALJ [bit.ly] with a load of motion sensing tech added instead.

Follow the link. It's a fart detecting chair.

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (2, Funny)

Hatta (162192) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482656)

I've rigged my finger to tweet when it's pulled.

Re:This is weak even for slashdot (1)

e4g4 (533831) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483602)

Fart jokes actually came first, per one of the earliest tweets in the stream, he based his design upon a fart detecting office chair over at instructables [bit.ly] (twitter-style shortened, just because).

Like most Twitter feeds... (5, Funny)

MrEricSir (398214) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482494)

...this feed won't be updated much after a few months.

Re:Like most Twitter feeds... (1, Redundant)

oldspewey (1303305) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482740)

Like most marriages, this feed won't be updated much after a few years.

Re:Like most Twitter feeds... (4, Funny)

shri (17709) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483134)

Well, lets hope it does not get updated every time the husband is on the golf course. :)

Dude needs a little more staying power (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482526)

Apparently he can't go more than 140 seconds.

Hopefully, things will get better when the novelty wears off. And it will wear off.

It'll be even more hillarious (5, Funny)

shadowblaster (1565487) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482536)

If the device starts tweeting while the husband is at work.

Re:It'll be even more hillarious (2, Funny)

RebelWithoutAClue (578771) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482688)

What about a sudden decrease/increase in the measured weight ? That would be entertaining too.

Re:It'll be even more hillarious (1)

NoPantsJim (1149003) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482694)

If one of my friends pulled this sort of crap on me, I wouldn't get mad and tell everyone, just ask him for the twitter username and keep close tabs on it...

Re:It'll be even more hillarious (4, Insightful)

Pharmboy (216950) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482806)

If you have to worry about your newly wed bride doing someone else while you toil away at work, the relationship is already over.

Re:It'll be even more hillarious (1)

NoPantsJim (1149003) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482980)

Lucky me, I'm not married, and it was a joke.

Re:It'll be even more hillarious (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483634)

I'm cheating on my wife, so I'm really getting a kick out of these responses.

Only one sensor? (4, Funny)

HangingChad (677530) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482542)

The best man snuck into the newlyweds' house while they were away on their honeymoon and placed a pressure-sensitive device under their mattress.

So it only measures sex on the bed. How boring is that? That leaves out the walls, floor, couch, kitchen counter, pool table, the whole rest of the house and car sex un-Tweeted.

And, if you're Tiger Woods, the private jet, the yacht and the putting green.

Re:Only one sensor? (1)

SparafucileMan (544171) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483498)

"and the putting green."

kind hard to hide a sensor there, dear, given how tightly shorn the grass is on the green.

Re:Only one sensor? (1)

Dahamma (304068) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483518)

That's why you put the sensor in the hole.

False positives (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482546)

I wonder how many low-intensity sex sessions are actually false positives caused by tossing and turning.

Re:False positives (2, Funny)

Gadget_Guy (627405) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483014)

I wonder how many low-intensity sex sessions are actually false positives caused by tossing and turning.

But doesn't that count as foreplay?

Not all too unrealistic. (0, Redundant)

MrCrassic (994046) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482554)

Well, let's get the obvious out of the way:

  • What is this doing on Slashdot?
  • How is this news?
  • How does this matter? At all?

Now that I've aired that out, this isn't too unsurprising of a read, considering how a former girlfriend I had told me of people she knew who would AIM while doing in doggystyle, record themselves having sex, reading, etc. etc. etc...

Re:Not all too unrealistic. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483052)

You're that bad that she IM'd durring secs? That's epic.

Re:Not all too unrealistic. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483508)

Lol if you think that's bad, I've been worse!!! :-p -mrcrassic

Hmm (5, Funny)

ShooterNeo (555040) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482584)

So how does the device work? For instance, how are these weight measurements being made? If you just put a load cell under the middle of the bed, it isn't going to measure the total mass. You'd need to use 4 load cells - one at each corner of the mattress. And the Mattress has to have a frame, like a box spring. Or you could use 1 load cell, but you'd have to build a special framework under the bed for it.

The next part is how do you translate these weight and vibration readings into a "sex detector". Where do you set the threshold, such that if someone just rolls over or even flops on the bed it doesn't set it off? Lots of ordinary acts, from scratching an itch to sitting up might create vibrations in the system that would fool a simple script into detecting "sex".

Plus, some sex acts create a lot more vibration that others. Position also matters quite a bit.

This is an interesting problem. I think it's solvable, to a reasonable level of accuracy. But you'd have to calibrate the system, which would require something that most slashdotters don't have access to....

Re:Hmm (5, Insightful)

evanbd (210358) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483222)

The sex detection part is some fairly trivial signal processing. You need a band pass filter with a passband of about 0.5-3 Hz (at a guess; better numbers exist, but I haven't tried googling them). Then you need to detect extended signal within that band; there are a variety of options for this, any of which are likely to work.

Re:Hmm (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30483468)

This. This is why I read Slashdot.

Re:Hmm (4, Interesting)

SpeedBump0619 (324581) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483270)

That's a pretty trivial filtering problem. It looks like it's all based on a set of load cells, so the question is if you look at the down forces on, say, the four corners of your bed what does sex "look" like? Fourier transforms would convert running measurements to frequency measurements. I'd say you look for a minimum of 5-10 seconds of oscillations at a given frequency (anything from maybe 1 to 10Hz). You then require a 2+ minute span of continuing recurrences. Filter out total weights that indicate only one person (or, you know, don't). Figure peak, average, and maybe std deviation of the frequency/ampitude spectrum recored for the "event" and use those numbers to do your "grading".

This is the reason *I* went to college.

Re:Hmm (1)

rockNme2349 (1414329) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483400)

This is the reason *I* went to college.

You too!?

Re:Hmm (2, Insightful)

hoggoth (414195) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483740)

10 Hz?! I must be doing it wrong. Are you sure you aren't programming an epileptic fit detector?

2+ minute span? Now I *know* I'm doing it wrong...

Re:Hmm (2, Insightful)

geekgirlandrea (1148779) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483546)

Heh, here I was wondering if you could identify different positions from the spectrum, and apparently everyone else is already been thinking about it in those terms. For once, sex comes up on Slashdot in a way that's hilarious rather than creepy.

Sounds interesting... (2, Funny)

Zakabog (603757) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482586)

Wow, I want one, that sounds awesome. I wouldn't have it tweet when I'm having sex, but I'd probably keep some sort of online log that would graph the weight, volume, temperature (though that might be greatly skewed by the friction of the mattress constantly rubbing against the device) and if I can have motion sensors I'd have it log "the motion of the ocean."

Not that the data would serve much purpose other than to say "Hey check out what I made."

Re:Sounds interesting... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482710)

There's something to put in the baby book...

Re:Sounds interesting... (0, Offtopic)

fotoguzzi (230256) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483214)

Mod parent up!

Re:Sounds interesting... (1)

Goldberg's Pants (139800) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482730)

I was going to say something very mean here, but I can't bring myself to do it.

*nerd solidarity*

Thanks advertising agencies of the world (5, Insightful)

whrde (1120405) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482606)

This has a very, very high likelihood of being an advertisement for the pads he links to. Such a pity that advertising agencies have destroyed my ability to believe things :-(

Seriously (0, Redundant)

Escaflowne (199760) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482614)

Is anyone else getting sick of samzempus purposely marking an idle article as 'science' or 'technology' that is clearly idle just so it gets more views? We already know you mis-tag articles purposely so they get more views (most people filter out idle), but seriously do your job correctly.

Most of us come on this site for relevant technology and science news and do our part by filtering out articles we are not interested in. I for one do not appreciate when this particular moderator purposely bypasses my filter on a near daily basis just to get more views or 'prestige' within the site. If anything you're becoming more infamous as being the moderator that posts useless things. /rant

The plot plotted... (1)

copponex (13876) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482626)

if time=x and frequency=y

f(x)= 1/x

x: (0, infinity)

Fun Experiment (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482724)

Here's a fun experiment to do with one of these devices: Correlate the amount of alcohol consumed with the weight placed on the sensor.

Old news.. (0, Redundant)

nanospook (521118) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482728)

This news is like a week old *yawn*

How funny... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482754)

If the weight all of a sudden doubled or tripled.

Re:How funny... (1)

darth dickinson (169021) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482924)

Give it a couple of years...

Good application of a Wiibot (1)

ctmurray (1475885) | more than 3 years ago | (#30482894)

Seems like a Wiimote, like the ones we were reading about the other day [slashdot.org] would work better than a simple pressure sensor.

Finally! (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482932)

Finally, a use for Twitter!

1-10 isn't good enough (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#30482962)

For newlyweds it should go to 11.

my wife is an odd duck (5, Funny)

Coraon (1080675) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483004)

When she read the article her first words were "Where do we get one of those?" O.o

Thrust limit? (1)

palmerj3 (900866) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483058)

140 thrust limit?

Only a matter of time (1)

LuxMaker (996734) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483130)

Only a matter of time before someone puts one of these in a motel room that rents by the hour.

Re:Only a matter of time (1, Offtopic)

Shakrai (717556) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483176)

I am proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free, as long as I follow the party line and carry my ID.

It's a misconception that you need to carry your ID in the United States. There is no law requiring it. And before you pull up the "papers please" guy, the law in question in that case required him to identify himself when asked. It didn't require him to produce ID. "Officer, my name is Mr. X" would have been sufficient.

Reliable wireless connection ? (1)

RebelWithoutAClue (578771) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483160)

I wonder how you can get a reliable connection out into the world. Local WLAN ? Random open hotspot ? Someone might actually find that an unknown device on the local lan. A cellphone/pager would be a waste.

"Everybody Knows".... (5, Funny)

plasmacutter (901737) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483162)

there's gonna be a meter on your bed, that will disclose.. what everybody knows!..

never thought it would be LITERAL.

Reply: (1)

Tablizer (95088) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483266)

Reply: "Get your own, bastard! And thanks for the iPhone."

Bedbugs and Twitterboxes (1)

macraig (621737) | more than 3 years ago | (#30483610)

I wonder how often the new bride and groom will be inclined to turn the mattress? This will tell us something about their housekeeping skills, too. Will the bedbugs find the Twitterbox before they do?

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