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Cthulhu the Musical, Tentacular, Tentacular!

CmdrTaco posted more than 4 years ago | from the can-they-get-neil-patrick-harris dept.

Google 33

Tyler Too writes "Beware, mortals: Cthulhu has returned, and he's armed with bacon and an unhealthy obsession with geek brains. It's a really bizarre and hilarious choose-your-own-adventure saga starring the Great Old One himself, Sergey Brin, Anonymous, David Pogue, and non-Euclidian tacos with bacon."

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33 comments

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Damn it (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703364)

I ended up dead, all alone in a cave.

Yuk. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703400)

These stories aren't jokes, they're stupid!

Race Relations (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703434)

Many people would have you believe that there is nothing whatsoever the Black people can do about racism, that it is something the White people are going to do no matter what, that it is not something the Black people have any control over. They would tell the Black man that he is powerless in this case, a helpless victim who can do nothing to help his plight. It is especially disturbing when this message comes from those who are otherwise a friend of the Black man. Like Liberalism, it is a childish conception of the world that, while well-meaning, renders its believers powerless over their own life experience due to its own short-sightedness.

So what can Black people do to effectively end racism? First, they can stop assuming that White people are inherently racist. To assume that a person is full of hatred or judgment towards others merely because of his or her light skin color is to engage in the very racism they claim to be against. Racism of that sort won't end racism, no more than gasoline will put out a fire. So we can abandon this failed idea and look to the things White people see that make them think less of the Black man. These are some steps that Black people can unite and take together if they really want to end racism:
  • Stop committing a disproportionate number of violent crimes. When White people go to other countries that also have diverse populations, and notice that the violent crimes committed by Black people is higher than any other single racial/ethnic group when adjusted for their percentage of the population, what are they supposed to think? If you don't want to be regarded as a savage people who were brought out of the tribal jungle too soon and haven't yet learned to cope with the whole civilized society thing, please stop acting the part.
  • Stop having a disproportionate number of bastard children. This one can't be emphasized enough as it is surely related to all the other points. Black men, if you don't even care about your own children enough to let them know who you are, if you think so little of them, how is the White man going to argue with you? Parenting is easily the most important responsibility any adult is likely to ever have, and you abandon it willingly. What are White people supposed to think when you do this far more than any other single racial/ethnic group? Do you think it makes you respectable? When even their own fathers shunned them, oes it surprise anyone that such bastard children are far more likely to be incarcerated, far less likely to go to college?
  • Stop glorifying the "thug" image. When you act like your highest and most noble goal in life is to be a career criminal, and talk happily about abusing women, abusing drugs, stealing, murdering, etc., it doesn't make White people think you're a good human being. It doesn't make White people respect you. It makes them think you're a menace, and when the media helps you spread this message and it influences impressionable White youth, it makes them think you're a contagious menace, like any other disease or infestation. Anyone who wants to hate you for your skin color will feel justified by all of this.
  • Stop blaming all of your problems on racism. Many groups, from the Native Americans to the Irish Catholics to the Chinese to the Japanese to the Jews and many, many others have unfortunately suffered some kind of racial or ethnic discrimination. Yet they don't top the charts on violent crime statistics. They don't have tons of bastard children. They don't glorify being a thug. The Asians in particular have had a great deal of success because they highly value education. The Jews have amassed financial empires that are the envy of many Capitalists. They all have something in common. When they fail, they blame their own bad decision-making. When they succeed, they attribute it to their hard work. They take personal responsibility for their situation, and if it sucks, they work to improve it.

    Some White people may hate your guts. They may think you're less than a human being. But no thought in a White person's head forces you to commit violent crimes. No thought in a White person's head forces you to abandon your own children and leave them fatherless. If you won't recognize and deal with your own shortcomings in order to become a stronger people, who is going to do that for you? You may have a scapegoat but it's costing you dearly.
  • Establish one stable, successful, peaceful, prosperous Black nation. Just one will do. This is a quote from Hesketh Prichard. It's pretty bad, but it illustrates what White people are thinking when they see failed Black nation after failed Black nation. If you want to shut them up, prove them wrong:

    "The present condition of Haiti gives the best possible answer to the question, and, considering the experiment has lasted for a century, perhaps also a conclusive one. For a century the answer has been working itself out there in flesh and blood. The Negro has had his chance, a fair field, and no favor. He has had the most beautiful and fertile of the Caribees for his own; he has had the advantage of excellent French laws; he inherited a made country, with Cap Haitien [A once beautiful town on the north coast of Haiti] for its Paris. . . . Here was a wide land sown with prosperity, a land of wood, water, towns and plantations, and in the midst of it the Black man was turned loose to work out his own salvation. What has he made of the chances that were given to him? . . .

    At the end of a hundred years of trial how does the Black man govern himself? What progress has he made? Absolutely none."

If you address all of those things and still continue to experience racism, you will then have a valid case against White people. As things are now, White people are merely being objective when they see these things and wonder what's wrong with you. The only difference is that some will have compassion for you, while others will think negatively of you. Don't like that? Work on yourselves.

Re:Race Relations (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703524)

This is actually very true, +5 Insightful IMO

Re:Race Relations (0, Offtopic)

tpstigers (1075021) | more than 4 years ago | (#31704238)

Wow. That was one seriously long-winded piece of racism. And a rather sad attempt to blame racism on its victims. You may think you have intellectualized your way to rationalizing your personal prejudices, but rest assured that those of us with brains (of any ethnicity) see right through your 'arguments'. I wish I could believe that this was some sort of elaborate April Fools' joke, so that it wouldn't make me want to puke. Unfortunately, I'm sure you actually believe that you stumbled upon some sort of racial 'wisdom' and you couldn't wait to share it with your 'inferiors'. Hitler would be proud.

Re:Race Relations (0, Offtopic)

EdIII (1114411) | more than 4 years ago | (#31704580)

Whats dangerous about it is that it is one excellent piece of rationalization, and in some cases, absolutely true.

1) Reverse racism does suck. It is the height of hypocrisy and willful ignorance to act as a victim of racism only to employ it yourself. Judging anybody by the color of their skin is patently ridiculous and offensive it has no place in any advanced society. You should be judged by your actions, and at the most afterward, your words.

2) The disproportionate number of crimes is a slick argument that can ensnare somebody with its logic. Problem is, that it strategically ignores other factors that have resulted in higher crime rates for people who happen to have darker skin. War on drugs is a damned good one, along with the pathetic state of our education system. We don't have to go into all the factors, but to say that 'black' people have had the exact same level of opportunity and access to resources is just plain untrue.

3) Bastard children. Another true one. You cannot argue this one. However, it once again conveniently ignores quite a number of factors. The same ones that lead to high crime rates also lead to 'bastard' children.

4) The thug image. Most powerful argument in the post, hits the deepest nerves, and has the greatest chance of dividing people, alienating them, and spreading hate. I know it is a major factor in arguments #2 and #3. I DESPISE AND LOATHE the 'Thug' culture. It has ensnared not just 'black' youth, but youth across all races, religions, etc. It has no redeeming value whatsoever, is not artful, and is just plain disgusting. Being a chivalrous man, seeing the negative treatment of women makes me want to beat the fuck out of them in person every time, and that has nothing to do with the color of their skin. I see a women being mistreated like that and I take action. Period. It was how my mother raised me. The 'Thug' culture preaches values that have no place in our society. It is for the most part about money and power being the primary goal and motivator for all actions and that it is a justification for shortsighted violence, murder, and intimidation to achieve those ends. What about the Golden Rule? The strong protect the weak? That being ethical and acting with personal integrity while serving your community, and the betterment of all mankind everywhere is 'cool'? Man I could go on for pages about how much I loathe it. I am just smart enough to know it has nothing to do with 'black' skin.

5) Take personal responsibility. Another slick argument that fails to note this is not a 'black' problem. Plenty of people do not take personal responsibility for anything regardless of their race. It also ignores the fact of how many successful 'black' people there are in America that have personal responsibility and integrity. It uses the thug argument for cover by blanketing all 'black' people into that group by their skin.

6) The country argument. Okay...... How about the fact that a destabilized Africa is good for the developed countries by allowing cheaper iPhones? I'm SURE there has been no influence by other countries in Africa's affairs in the last 200 years. Haiti merely happens to have a lot of dark skinned people in it. However, the problems with their country are not so dramatically different than some other countries that are comprised of different skin colors too....

I see a lot of people just bashing him real quick, but not taking the time to really break down his arguments into what they are.... a really smart and slick way to sow the seeds of hate and racism.

Re:Race Relations (1)

kainosnous (1753770) | more than 4 years ago | (#31705324)

Although this thread is mostly offtopic, I feel compeled to comment here. Lovecraft in his writings clearly had an dislike of certain cultures, blaming them for the degridation of our nation. Sadly, he did make some accurate observations. The slums that he wrote of had seen decline from those immigrants just as our neighborhoods see the negative effects from influx of other cultures. We are quick to rightly point out the evils of the ganster lifestyle and the "gimme" attitude.

However, in reality that is the depraved nature of men - all men. We see the faults in others when we don't acknowledge our own fallen nature. A lot of our fiction, including the Cthulu mythos, seeks to create some moster or force that we can blame for the evil around us. In truth, the evil is in us. Unless we deal with that truth, we are doomed to invent and run from these fantasy villians.

That being said, this story contains tacos, and non-euclidian ones at that! Hmm... All this time I thought that Taco Bell forgot half my order. It turns out, that it just fell into another deminsion.

Re:Race Relations (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31706842)

2) The disproportionate number of crimes is a slick argument that can ensnare somebody with its logic. Problem is, that it strategically ignores other factors that have resulted in higher crime rates for people who happen to have darker skin. War on drugs is a damned good one, along with the pathetic state of our education system. We don't have to go into all the factors, but to say that 'black' people have had the exact same level of opportunity and access to resources is just plain untrue.

That's one of those things people say and never feel a need to substantiate. Do tell me, why would the War on Drugs affect black people more than white people? Are you making the claim that a dark skin color automatically makes one more inclined to abuse illegal drugs? If this is not what you are claiming, then how do you explain why the War on Drugs does not affect blacks and whites equally?

If you are saying that poverty or something like that is to blame, this is circular reasoning. It's circular because some white people are poor too. It's circular because if a larger percentage of poor people are black, this requires an explanation. It would be like someone asking you "where did life on Earth come from" and you say "from a comet or another planet". That's great, but where did that comet or other planet get its life? So you see, it's not a satisfying, ultimate answer that really addresses the question.

6) The country argument. Okay...... How about the fact that a destabilized Africa is good for the developed countries by allowing cheaper iPhones? I'm SURE there has been no influence by other countries in Africa's affairs in the last 200 years. Haiti merely happens to have a lot of dark skinned people in it. However, the problems with their country are not so dramatically different than some other countries that are comprised of different skin colors too....

You do know that Haiti is not in Africa, right? Africa has had a great deal of interference in its affairs by other nations. That's probably why the original AC mentioned Haiti and did not mention Africa. Yes, Haiti does "happen to have a lot of dark skinned people in it". They're otherwise known as black people. If you're done babbling, could you address the original AC's argument about Haiti please?

I see a lot of people just bashing him real quick, but not taking the time to really break down his arguments into what they are.... a really smart and slick way to sow the seeds of hate and racism.

Another unsubstantiated claim. Why does one have to hate the black race before they can be honest about its negative image? Did you know there are black people (both self-identified and in the sense that they have very dark skin and are descended from Africa) who also think that the thug image needs be given up, who are also disturbed by the crime statistics, who would also like to see a successful black nation? I'm afraid you are either going to have to claim telepathic powers or admit that you may have your suspicions but really don't know what the original AC was thinking or how they feel.

Re:Race Relations (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31705820)

What is truly sad is that he focused on a race rather than a culture. I can understand his points, but rather than apply it to specifically black people, it should be applied to a large segment of popular culture that includes niggers,whiggers and beaners. Not inclusive of Negro ,Caucasian and Latino peoples as wholes. In cities these may appear to be a majority and in some places like Kansas City it may be a reality. Rather than promote racism, we should promote good parenting by all Negroes, Caucasians and Latinos and encourage them to beat the living piss out of their corresponding nigger, whigger and beaner gangsta kids. Remove their pop culture markers, "fashion" accessories, auction their "rides" replace them with station wagons, soccer mom vans, Geos and other vehicles that will teach utility and responsibility. Care where they are and who they are with. Monitor your children. Give them some values to live by before they end up on the end of a shotgun or swingin from a tree. Then line up all the rest of the niggers ,whiggers and beaners who cling to the culture and execute them and burn the remains, broadcast on worldwide television as a future warning to slaves of pop culture and gangstaism. Culturecide not racism is the answer. Parents who continue to allow their little bastards to participate need removed from the gene pool as well. No good can come from allowing them to continue to breed any more menace.

             

Re:Race Relations (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31704490)

What a wonderful racist screed you have there. It sickens me a little that, as of this comment, you have a +1 insightful rather than, at the very least, a -1 for offtopic or a well deserved -1 for troll. I'm not claiming that some of your facts aren't correct, but your conclusions and how you've framed the argument are a bit faulty. I'm of Irish descent and I can't help noticing a striking similarity between your arguments about black people and the arguments people bandied around about the "Irish problem" back in the day in the British Isles. Attitudes like yours are responsible for self-righteous idiots turning the Irish Potato Famine from a dip in crop yields due to a mold infestation to an opportunity for some ethnic cleansing. All well intentioned and for the purposes of the "betterment" of the Irish people, naturally.

One of the main things that people like you ignore is that this country had major racial segregation laws in place until about half a century ago, and tons of little local laws that hung on for decades more, along with the attitudes that go along with it. Mississippi didn't even ratify the 13th Amendment until 14 years ago. So, the point is that it's hard for something to become ancient history that should be forgiven and forgotten while a good number of the people who suffered through it and were profoundly affected by it are still alive. So, black people in America are still dealing with the direct effects of all that history, then there's the long tail to deal with. So your argument that parity has been achieved, so therefore any problems are signs of deep inherent flaws, or some sort of lazy failure to self-improve, is pure twaddle. Based on the histories of the majority of non-giant former colonies or protectorates, with populations of various racial types, including actual honest to goodness Caucasians (from Caucasus, no less), the history of Haiti is no surprise regardless of the color of the average man on the street there. Let's not forget that they were occupied by the US in the last century and are prone to all kinds of fun natural disasters.

I understand that you're not a hardcore, burning cross on the lawn racist. You're clearly one of the softcore ones with the "I don't have a problem with black people, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry one. Why can't they just go away and leave us decent people alone" attitude

Re:Race Relations (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31705946)

Calm yourself. With a little thought, the parent would've realized that it is a segment of pop culture that bothers him. The "gangsta" consisting of every race. The answer to his problem is good parenting, which he has no control over. All races now have the same opportunities and there is no reason for anyone to continue to spout either hatred or inequality as they are both excuses for the ignorant to continue perpetuating illusions that get either Democrats or Republicans elected. It is a non issue. Pop culture is the enemy.
Popular Media and Popular Political Parties are the allies.Culturecide and Revolution are the answers. Feel any better? I certainly don't. I want peace for mankind, but it is evident that blood is going to be shed as tensions escalate. Meanwhile crying or promoting racism, buying into the media and voting for the lie of the "two party system" is the smokescreen ruining our country,lives and quality of life. Know your enemies, in this order: Pop media who perpetuate all the lies,culture and politics, Pop politics who use the media and culture as a smokescreen to their evil powermongering, and Pop Culture as the end result and massive food for the other two to sustain existence.

Yummy. (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703370)

Taste our new non-euclidean tacos with bacon. It's good enough for Cthulhu!

Yuk. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703386)

These stories aren't jokes, they're stupid!

You had me at (4, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703390)

Bacon

Me Too (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31704460)

The second time.

Re:You had me at (1)

flyneye (84093) | more than 4 years ago | (#31705988)

mmmm, bacon, oh beautiful bacon.
Ironically at the Asian buffet I dined at last night there was squid in hotsauce w/peppers and veggies in salad form that I sprinkled bacon bits on and enjoyed the texture of the little suckered tentacles. Coincidence? Absolutely. However I believe in Hoffstadters recursive universe.
mmmm, bacon.

Had enough (1, Troll)

Island Admin (1562905) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703406)

Simply put .... I cant take it anymore. Bring on April 2nd ..... please .... pretty pretty, please!

This one's actually good, imo. (1)

Chris Burke (6130) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703498)

The best /. April Fool's stories are the ones that are actual links to other sites doing actual funny things for April 1st.

And this one is pretty funny if I do say so myself, but then again I ate too many non-Euclidean Tacos with Bacon and, after meeting the Tentacular one himself, well, ended up like this: "You have a powerful temptation to make Linux your primary operating system and start coding in emacs. So this is madness..."

Apparently meaning that I was already mad/i..

bah (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703408)

I was moderating this all fucked up like but I got tired of that. I won't give you even that satisfaction, motherfuckers. I'll just wast my points right here. April fools sucks.

BLASPHEMY (1, Redundant)

Arancaytar (966377) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703410)

Thou shalt not take the name of THE CTHULHU, THY SQUID in vain!

Your heads shall be eaten last for this!

Ia Ia Etc.

Re:BLASPHEMY (1)

Foobar of Borg (690622) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703874)

But I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Surely squid and spaghetti can work together in peace!

Stop the whining! (3, Informative)

thonot (226019) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703424)

Seriously folks, this is a slashdot tradition here! It may not be a good tradition, but many traditions aren't. The admins here have been doing this for over ten years, if the whining didn't work in the 90's, it sure as hell ain't gonna get you anywhere now, so STFU and come back tomorrow!

Re:Stop the whining! (1)

Island Admin (1562905) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703436)

You forget ...... some of us are /. junkies ....... and I am on GMT time ..... so I have had more April Fool abuse than you :P

Cool - stage, then screen, then white house! (4, Insightful)

Ralph Spoilsport (673134) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703430)

CTHULU FOR PRESIDENT!

Why settle for the lesser evil?

Re:Cool - stage, then screen, then white house! (1)

kerrbear (163235) | more than 4 years ago | (#31705060)

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

SO F*****G LAME (0, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703462)

Pro Tip: Web admins should be thinking about April Fools ALL YEAR LONG. No, seriously. For twelve months, write down all your best, wittiest ideas, and then pick the cream of the crop when the time comes. This way you don't have to make up lame stupid shiat like what we're seeing today. It's just pathetic. /. editors, LOOK AT THE ARTICLE REPLY COUNTS. People are avoiding /. and that's just sad.

Never thought I'd say this, but I miss the pink OMG PONIES days.

(I admit, Slashroulette was a pretty good idea... But the rest just sucks)

capcha: vacuous

I drank Cthulu under the table (1)

Bigjeff5 (1143585) | more than 4 years ago | (#31703518)

Everybody knows Alcohol knocks them out, the fool!

Seriously, I usually end up dead in these "chose your own adventure" stories. I totally kicked ass this time.

I wondered ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31703896)

what Andrew Lloyd Weber was up to next.

As Lovecraftian musicals go... (1)

JoshuaZ (1134087) | more than 4 years ago | (#31704148)

As Lovecraftian musicals go I prefer Shoggoth on the Roof, a Lovecraftian version of Fiddle on the Roof. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaJckcCZtBQ [youtube.com] is the opening song (they can all be found on Youtube).

Re:As Lovecraftian musicals go... (1)

Mindcontrolled (1388007) | more than 4 years ago | (#31704778)

Ahh, yes - the Howard Philip Lovecraft Historical Society. They also recorded some very nice Lovecraftian Christmas, err... Solstice Carols with the Dagon Tabernacle Choir. Here [youtube.com] is an example. Come to think of it, that is the only physical CD I bought in the last 3 years, the guys deserve it. Check out their homepage [cthulhulives.org] , if you don't know them. They also made an absolutely brilliant silent movie titled "Call of Cthulhu".

It actually exists (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#31704666)

Cthulhu, the musical actually exists, It think it was even performed publicly once.
I bought the CD some time ago, you all reading this go and buy it!
http://www.cthulhulives.org/musical/cdinfo.html

Mildly fun (1)

catbertscousin (770186) | more than 4 years ago | (#31706092)

Not bad actually. Your eventual choices are:
a) go mad and get eaten
b) run away and spend the rest of your life haunted by what your saw
Pretty Lovecraftian. But I will never look at Hulu the same way again.
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