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Australian Police Ask Facebook For Police Alarm Button

timothy posted more than 4 years ago | from the assisted-living-facility dept.

Google 237

littlekorea writes "The Australian Federal Police (AFP) has requested social networking site Facebook install a law enforcement representative in Australia and introduce some sort of button in which users can immediately report online crime to the police in a single click. It is National Cyber-Security Awareness Week in Australia, so the AFP is on an all-out offensive — announcing it is also investigating whether Google committed offences under Australia's Telecommunications Interception Act when it harvested Wi-Fi data." Something like this has been in the works for a while.

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australia? (2, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478438)

Whats up with australia? its a development country yet seems to go crazy with censorship and crazy laws

Re:australia? (4, Insightful)

nurb432 (527695) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478458)

They want to 'develop' into a fascist state off the bad and skip that whole messy democracy stuff

Re:australia? (4, Insightful)

ob0101011101 (590919) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479108)

They want to 'develop' into a fascist state off the bad and skip that whole messy democracy stuff

It's true. The AFP also wanted a few other Facecook buttons: "Are my Papers OK?" and "Turn in My Parents". The real problems started in Australian politics when the christian fundys managed to get a guy into parliament. I guess they think they have the moral high-ground; when really they're just a bunch of arse-clowns, pushing their beliefs. So much for separation of church and state. *sigh*

Re:australia? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32479166)

This is simply "payback" from The Christian Censorship Senator (Conroy) because Google criticised his craptastic internet filtering plan.

Re:australia? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478574)

Well, as the poms aren't sending convicts any more, the government have got to create their own. The recent spate of crazy laws are just to try and regain that traditional "penal colony" feeling.

Re:australia? (1)

ushering05401 (1086795) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478718)

Australia: Live the Shower Scene.

Think the Tourism Authority will make it a motto?

Re:australia? (1)

Cryacin (657549) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479238)


At this rate anything's bloody possible!

Re:australia? (2, Insightful)

pookemon (909195) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478838)

Which crazy "laws" does this /. article refer too? The "Report crime through a button" law? No - wait - the "Google may have broken a law" law. Having the ability to report crime simply through facebook is not a law - and it's simply an extension to dialing a number or visiting a police station to report a crime.

As for google - they have deliberately been sniffing WAP's - and the extent of that means that they may have been breaking a law which has existed for a very long time in Aus.

So get off your high horse before you hurt yourself.

Is sniffing WAPs a crime? (1, Troll)

mangu (126918) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479064)

As for google - they have deliberately been sniffing WAP's - and the extent of that means that they may have been breaking a law which has existed for a very long time in Aus.

Making it illegal to sniff WAPs seems dangerously close to - excuse me, Godwin - making it illegal to have Jewish grandparents. It seems that Australia has been, for a very long time as you say, a police state.

Online Identity (4, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478448)

With the use of facebook, many online identities have been progressing towards being just as anonymous as a citizen walking down the street. The fact that other sites can link to your signed-in profile is almost like walking around a mall with your ID card taped to your forehead.

"Police buttons" like this will only work when the identity of the user is known, sort of like how 911 works...

I for one don't particularly like this trend, and much prefer to remain anonymous on the web.

In other words: donotwant

Re:Online Identity (1)

mysidia (191772) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478550)

Just waiting for eBay [or other] to buy out Facebook and require every account be linked to a PayPal-like or verification-like account for 'proof of identity'

Because this totally (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478452)

won't get flagrantly misused

Re:Because this totally (1)

MrKaos (858439) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478588)

Thats alarming.

Re:Because this totally (1)

TheJokeExplainer (1760894) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478972)

I see what you did there! MrKaos made a clever use of the term "alarming" based on the headline. Huzzah!

One click? (4, Funny)

msauve (701917) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478630)

button in which users can immediately report online crime to the police in a single click.

Doesn't Jeff Bezos have a patent on that?

Re:One click? (5, Funny)

Bill Dog (726542) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478870)

I was thinking, in case a criminal had you at gunpoint and you couldn't click on something without the bad guy noticing, that they could implement a single nod system for reporting crimes.

Re:Because this totally (3, Interesting)

mrsteveman1 (1010381) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478644)

Indeed, now whenever people say things like "well, that's just criminal!", i'll feel obligated to press the button.

Actually I feel obligated to press it anyway, because it's stupid, but i'll be looking for excuses.

Re:Because this totally (1)

icebraining (1313345) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478804)

Report every slightly suggestive picture. "I thought (s)he was a minor!".

Re:Because this totally (4, Insightful)

sortius_nod (1080919) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478982)

I might have to sign up to Facebook again just to abuse this button.

It's the "correct" usage that is the problem (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478964)

Misused? It's the "correct" usage that is the problem...

They (The governments, cops, the man, whatever) keep trying to lower the treshold of reporting a crime. In theory, this is a good thing: If a crime is committed against me, I might already be upset etc. and should not be forced to jump through additional hoops. However, reporting a crime is notable thing that should be carefully considered. I am not some right wing nutjob who thinks that government should never interfere and whatnot but if someone is harassing you online, you really should think carefully if there is some better way to deal with the situation than involve the cops and the justice system with all its weight! When we aren't talking about crimes that put you or someone you know in immediate danger (in which case you generally should call 911 or its equivalent, not use some online system that isn't designed for that fast response) I think that it is actually better if you are required to visit a police station, call it or at the very minium send a goddam e-mail! If the crime is so insignifcant that you can't be bothered to send an e-mail to report it, perhaps you shouldn't report it!

Think about how people use Facebook. People use it after all the major events in life (break ups, etc.), during night when they are sleep deprived, after they haven consumed alcohol... And when only communicating with text there are plenty of possibilities for misunderstanding the other party (something that was meant as a joke can be misinterpreted and so on)... We really don't need effortless one-click-crime-reporting in that enviroment.

I AM NOT A KOOK! (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478456)

I'll see if I can come up with a Rossetta Stone that will enable one to translate between all four schools during my Psychology Dissertation. I'll start applying to some of the top schools after I ask the taxpayers of San Jose, California to spring for the taxi fare so a couple of San Jose's Finest can give me a lift to the Napa State psychiatric hospital in California's Napa Valley.

I. Abstract

Crawfordian Psychoanalysis is derived from the following books as well as my life experience over the last twenty-six years spent treating the Schizophrenia of homeless people as well as counseling those with Bipolar Affective Disorder; it's more commonly known as Manic Depression as well as Bipolar Depression. I have been saving the lives of the suicidally despondent since I was just a toddler in the late 1960s.

During my year of volunteer work for the Suicide Prevention Service of Santa Cruz County back when I was an undergraduate Physics student starting in the Fall of 1987, it happened all the time that a man would ring me up from a payphone with a loaded gun in his hand, or that a woman would ring me up from her bedroom with a bottle of sleeping pills and every intention to use them. I never once so much as contemplated sending for the police, the ambulance or the coroner.

All I ever required was an hour of Active Listening, in which the counselor listens carefully to what the client is saying, then responds in such a way as to make the client feel that the counselor really heard what they were saying. That's It.

If I ever so much as opened my mouth about the gentleman who managed to track down my home number from the SPSSC answering service then asked for me by name so I could convince him to stop hanging around a payphone with his loaded pistol to his temple, he would lose his Top Secret security clearance. I'll have to leave the reason as an exercise for my Gentle Reader.

Far, far more important has been my work treating the mental illnesses of Psychotherapists, Psychiatrists as well as the Psychiatric Nurses and Social Workers who staff Psychiatric Inpatient Hospitals since my first inpatient psychiatric admission. In November 1984 during the first term of my junior year of my studies at the California Institute of Technology when I I abruptly and for no aparent reason switched my major from Physics to Literature right in the middle of the Fall Quarter.

The only other person I have ever met who regarded that decision as anything but delusional or manic was Caltech Theoretical Physics Professor Richard Feynman. Feynman's deep insight into numerical analysis led him to enable the Trinity Test - a Plutonium Implosion Bomb - to knock a man flat at ten miles. The Uranium Assembly Bombed totally vaporized Hiroshima on the first try. The Plutonium Implosion Bomb dropped on Nagasaki did much the same thing.

How did Dick Feynman work such a miracle? Just by having a bunch of smart guys hang out in a big room for a year or two with tables of logarithms and mechanical adding machines. That's It.

Now you know why I flip out so much about the North Korean, Iraqi and Iranian nuclear weapons programs. Don't even get me started about the Israeli Bomb. Just Don't. The mere contemplation of the fact that Israel is well-known to possess at least three hundred nuclear weapons as well as dozens of Medium Range Ballistic Missiles that can hit anywhere in Iran completely fills me with a desperate urge to paint the entire wall to my left with my own brains.

Just wait until I explain why five minutes spent sketching on the back of an envelope would give you a deep insight into the Hydrogen Bomb. That's why the Cold War was so totally batshit paranoid. In 1953 a phenomenon known as Radiative Transfer lit the Hydrogen Bomb's fuse by enabling a two-stage Plutonium Implosion Bomb to set fire to a chunk of styrofoam in the shape of a large pill capsule. That styrofoam's warm, comforting flames lit up so brightly that they would enable Moscow, just briefly, to shine as bright as the Sun. Beijing would light up in much the same way.

But I Digress.

How do I perform these miracles? Just by talking to the mentally ill! I Am Absolutely Serious.

II. I'd Like a Triple Shot of Psychology, Please.

II.1. Head Shrinkers

Psychotics such as myself as well as Unabomber Theodore Kasczynksi are commonly said to have our heads tied up in knots. Child Psychologist Alice Miller [] explains in her short, simple, lucidly written 1979 book Drama of the Gifted Child that shrinks are able to untie the knots in the heads of psychotics because their heads are tied up in the exact same knots for the exact same reasons.

Similarly, shrinks are able to ease the profound suffering of neurotics such as myself because the suffer they same way I do for the same reasons I do.

All I required to make my Psychotherapist Dr. I. burst into tears with inconsolable grief was to simply mention Drama of the Gifted Child during one of our sessions.

Drama of the Gifted Child is thus the transparently simple and obvious explanation of the reason why Army Psychiatrist Major Nidal Hasan Malik purchased a machine pistol then took the lives of thirteen of his comrades last November at Fort Hood. Major Malik grievously injured thirty-two others before a quick-thinking Military Policewoman awarded the Nobel Prize to Major Malik, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down.

All I required to hurl myself headlong into twenty-six years of some of the most incredibly batshit insanity that has ever walked the face of the Earth was to read just Drama of the Gifted Child's first chapter. A week later I asked my fellow Scurve Bruce Tiemann - Scurves are the residents of Caltech's Ricketts House - if I could borrow his brother Michael's expensive Canon A-1 so I could photograph all the beautiful and inspiring visions that G-d Almighty Himself sent to me in the sky.

I knew I was hallucinating and that the visions were the products of my own fevered imagination. I explained that fact to Bruce in great detail, but we were both so delusional as to think I could photograph them.

When my visions failed to turn up in my prints I knew it was because of my inexperience as a photographer. Two months later I could leave the most advanced professional photographer completely dumbstruck with the most primitive kind of fully manual camera. I have only owned two Pentax K-1000s; my first didn't even have a light meter. It has been over a decade since the last Pentax K-1000. I bought my first digital camera in 2002 but only so I could screw around with it. I bought the only digital camera that I regarded as good enough for my real work in December 2008. My Sony could win an aerial dogfight just by pointing it out the cockpit window. I set it to fully manual mode when I got it home from the store and have yet to open the instruction book.

II.2. Pack Animals

Real Soon Now. I Promise.

Let's Begin.

III. The Trail of Breadcrumbs

Every two or three days I'm going to drop a breadcrumb. My trail of breadcrumbs will lead the police directly to me. The trail will grow not just longer but increasingly wider as well, with the link to the last breadcrumb drop being emailed to the Letters to the Editors mailboxes at every major metropolitan newspaper in the English speaking world that I am able to lay my greedy little hands on.

But I will drop just two breadcrumbs when I drop by a certain highly-respected and well-known psychotherapist's place of work so I can personally give him or her bound hardcopies of both The Crawfordian Psychoanalysis Manifesto as well as Crawfordian Psychoanalysis, my textbook for mental health professionals, thereby blowing my cover completely to smithereens.

Catch Me If You Can!

III.1. Breadcrumb Number One


I'm getting really pissed off with the entire world-wide Mental Health Profession. Don't even get me started with the Law Enforcement Community. Just Don't.

British Petroleum didn't even apply for an ecological drilling permit before it blew a smoking crater into the floor of the Gulf of Mexico in the most ignorant way.

Despite the undersea oil industry's deep insight into Methyl Hydrate, an ice-like crystal composed of Water and Methane that forms under the tremendous pressure of the deep ocean, they thought it would be cool to cover the Gulf Blowout with a giant, incredibly heavy concrete cap, then attach a pipe so they could carry the oil safely to the surface. I was completely flummoxed because BP acted all surprised when the cap completely filled with Methyl Hydrate crystals within seconds. The cap had to be removed immediately so British Petroleum could contemplate its next step.

I then jokingly revealed "The Secret" to the Kuro5hin community website at [] - "Technology and Culture, from the Trenches" - that we should now employ "Plan B". "The Nuclear Option" is to place the most powerful Hydrogen Bomb in America's nuclear arsenal as close as possible, but not quite on top of the Blowout. Its collossal detonation would provide hours of gripping entertainment as we all watched the ensuing events unfold on live national television.

Kuro5hin's localroger - Roger Williams - works as an industrial control systems engineer for the Gulf Oil industry in New Orleans. He replied that the entire world-wide petroleum industry had gone completely out of its tree because there were some oil folks who thought that might actually be a good idea.

Perhaps you can see where I'm going here.

In much the same way as British Petroleum has absolutely nothing on the sheriff's deputies who staff the Vancouver, Washington Citadel as well as the agents at the Federal Bureau of Intelligence's solide granite fortresses in Portland, Oregon as well as Campbell, California, neither those deputies nor the FBI agents have any hope whatsoever of holding any kind of candle to the staff of the staff of the Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit at the San Mateo Medical Center in San Mateo, California.

If I weren't such a nice guy I could have turned that entire ICU into a Suicide Cult that would have completely covered its ceiling as well as both walls with our blood. What was left of our bodies would have been smeared all over the floor. You would have required a squeeqee and a dustpan to scoop our remains into our coffins for proper burials.

I would have murdered us all the exact same way as I was able to obtain my release: nothing more than chatting for a few minutes with one of the Psychiatric Nurses who sat behind the glass at the Psychiatric ICU's Nurse's Station. That's It.

When she tried to steal my wallet by walking off with the plastic bag containing my belongings, I had to shout "I JUST MADE YOU HALLUCINATE!" at the top of my lungs just to get her to walk back to my room, then stare into my completely empty bag with a puzzled expression while I fished out my remaining items.

I spent the day before my psychiatric admission getting myself locked out of my own home because my visual hallucinations changed the locks on all the doors of my house. Hung from the doorknob on the side door to the garage was one of the small, locked vaults that real estate agents use to share housekeys with their colleagues. I rushed to Branham High School where my housemate and landlord Matt Zehner is a history teacher. I expressed my great sadness for his plight, then offered to give him - not lend him - five grand when Manpower Professional finally learned enough of the Alphabet Song to sign on the dotted line of my last Sony Ericsson Mobile Communications paycheck. I was working under contract for Sony Ericsson's "Men in Black," an elite team of software engineers who focus on the most difficult software faults and performance problems in Sony Ericsson's smartphones.

It was Manpower Professional's complete inability to pull its head out of its own ass long enough to look over my time cards that led to my decision to make a lasting impression on Sony Ericsson with my Letter of Resignation. My hope was that I might get Manpower Professional dropped from Sony Ericsson's Approved Vendor List. I'm saying this now because I still have much the same hope.

Perhaps a dawning awareness will begin to grow within your minds of how I've been able to give you all the slip for fourteen hours now when you read the following:

I was on a similar team known as the "Debug Meisters" on the Classic Mac OS System Software team at Apple Computer in the mid-90s. The job title on my business card was "Cybernetic Entomologist." There was a time when I would rather have chewed my own foot of than write even the simplest computer program. I began to study both Computer Science as well as Software Engineering - while related, they are completely different things - when I realized that learning to debug computer software might unable me to somehow untie the same kind of knots that I at the time had in my head that Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski his inside his.

Do you know why Ted Kaczynski fired his entire defense team then demanded to exercise his Constitutional right to represent himself? They suggested to Ted they could save his life by using the Insanity Defense. The Insanity Plea hardly ever succeeds because even floridly delusional Schizophrenia isn't enough to be found Innocent Due to Insanity. One must have been completely unable to distinguish Right from Wrong at the instant one committed each and every one of one's murders.

Teddy Bear is one of my homies. He and I chat via mental telephathy on a regular basis: he was concerned this might cast doubt on the credibility of The Unabomber Manifesto.

Have I been able to penetrate any of your thick skulls with a clue yet? Please do let me know by dropping a line to [mailto] While I must say I have greatly enjoyed today's interstellar travel aboard the Starship Enterprise, it can get lonely sometimes out here in the vast, empty reaches of intergalactic space.

Let's Continue.

"What you are talking about?" Matt asked with a puzzled expression when I asked for a quiet chat outside his classroom. "Your rent is paid up, and my house isn't for sale."

"Thank You!" I shouted with great joy. "Thank you very much! You just saved me from the worst kind of psychosis." I headed back to our place.


My key still wouldn't fit in the front door. I knew it was time to head to Annie Brolly's [] place in Half Moon Bay when I saw the real estate agent's housekey vault hanging from the side door. Annie's toddler Ailes's name is French for "Wings," as in "Angel Wings". Ailes kidneys were both surgically removed within her first week of life because she has Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease, a rare genetic condition that only occurs when both one's mother and father provide the gene's recessive trait with their egg and sperm. Most RPKD babies die during gestation. It is very rare for any to live longer than a month.

But because Annie was awarded honors on her Molecular Biology Undergraduate Thesis, Ailes is now two years old and so large enough to accept the donation of an adult kidney. Because of Annie's and Ailes' great love for each other, despite having to endure dozens of painful surgeries Ailes is also the happiest little girl I have ever had the privilege of meeting.

I must emphasize this important point:

In much the same way that it is better to hit a cat with a shovel than to ignore it, it is also better to hit a child with a shovel than to ignore it.

The most sadistically cruel and savage form of child abuse known to man is not violence.



If you neglect your infant, despite providing for all of its material needs you will fail to provide for its emotional needs. A mental illness known as Failure to Thrive will lead your infant's will to live to slip quickly away. They will whither away then die for no apparent reason.

Far, far worse is that you will find yourself feeling strangely unconcerned. While you will feel said, it is only because society expects a mother to feel sad when her infant suddenly dies. You won't feel sad because you really do feel sad. You won't really feel sad at all.

If you neglect a child that is old enough to wield a dangerous weapon they will commit suicide in spectacularly creative ways. Even a six year old boy will find some way to steal his father's gun so he can spatter his brains all over the wall.

That neglect causes Failure to Thrive has been well known for many, many years. Psychiatrist Eric Berne identified why neglect causes Failure to Thrive through his work with the San Francisco Psychiatry Seminars during the early 1960s. Games People Play is the seminal handbook of Transactional Analysis, the psychology of the basic units of social interaction.

Berne refers to these units as "Transactions". Each Transaction consists of a single reciprocal exchange between two people of a unit of attention that Berne calls a "Stroke". If one is not stroked on a regular basis, infants will die of Failure to Thrive, children will die of suicide, whereas teenagers and adults will either die of suicide or request others to commit suicide for them by murdering a completely innocent person.

That last bit is the cause of the bizarre phenomenon known as Officer-Assisted Suicide as well as Suicide by Cop: just walk up to a cop then for no apparent reason, grab his gun from his holster and blow his brains out. Your victim's colleagues will need no further explanation.

Games People Play catalogs the various ways that the San Francisco Psychiatry Seminars was able to identify that neglected children survive by obtaining attention - not the love they really want, but the attention they need just to survive and so struggle desperately to obtain from their own parents. Dr. Berne denoted the first and most widely played such game as "The Game of Alcoholic". Alcoholic is also the most complex of Berne's games because it has five players:

  • The Alcoholic
  • The Persecutor
  • The Rescuer
  • The Patsy or Dummy
  • The Connection

Dr. Berne also points out that Alcoholics Anonymous exists not to recover from one's Alcoholism but to enable it to continue.

What I just said about shovels, cats and children is expressed by Eric Berne thusly:

If you don't get stroked, your spine will shrivel up.

A stroke is a unit of attention from another human being. Strokes enable us to survive at all, even if we obtain the attention required for our very survival by acting out in ways that lead our own parents to savagely and sadistically beat us:

"STOP CRYING!" Your father screams as he whips your naked but with his thin leather belt.

At last! you think to yourself. I'm making some progress! I'll have to redouble my efforts.


But Mommy knows that to step in would be to murder her own child.

It is for this very same reason that the women who are the victims of the worst forms of domestic violence not only fail to find nice guys attractive:


They regard nice guys with contempt.

Perhaps you are starting to see where I am going here. I will return to this same theme repeatedly throughout the Crawfordian Psychionalysis Manifesto. Let's set this aside just for now so we can move on.

After locking myself out of my friend Annie Brolly's house by closing a door that requires a key to be locked from the outside, I heeded the advice of my brilliant psychiatrist Dr. Justin Grey of San Jose, California. On my way to admit myself to the H-2 Psychiatry Unit at Stanford Medical Center in Palo Alto, I stopped by the Chevron gas station near Annie's place in Half Moon Bay to pick up an ice cream bar in its convenience store, only to find that I had locked myself inside when the sliding glass door refused to open for me. Curiously, it opened just fine for everybody else who tried.

"I need you to call 9-1-1 for me. I'm hallucinating," I said to the cashier. She needed no further explanation.

Why, do you suppose, another convenience store employee shut off the sliding glass door's electrical power the instant that the cops and ambulance attendants were all inside the store? Why, do you suppose, did these same emergency personnell force that door open when we left, rather than just flicking the switch back on?

"You guys all need to watch me like a hawk!" I sternly advised the entire staff of the ICU upon my arrival. "I could escape just by asking you to hold the door for me."

The error of the ICU staff's ways became plainly apparent when they admitted me voluntarily. In California, voluntary psychiatric admissions are known as "5151s" after the section of California's Lantermann-Petris-Short Act which governs California's psychiatric hospitals. I begged every single Psychiatric ICU staff member I was able to lay my hands on to "5150" me - admit me involuntarily - despite the fact that I myself asked the Chevron cashier to dial 911 for me, then was completely overcome with joy when all those cops and ambulance attendants finally showed up.

You will be completely dumbstruck with awe when I point out that I was able to make my belongings disappear from the large plastic bag my Psychiatric Nurse was holding the exact same way I made my sixty-five dollar Italian leather business card wallet vanish instantly after handing my piano music website business card to an Oregon State Police officer when he pulled me over for a busted taillight. After showing him that I already had a Fix-It ticket as well as insurance, he sent me on my way after running my registration.

I spent hours desperately struggling to find my business card wallet. I guard my business card wallet with the very same great care with which I guard my own testicles: the first time I ever set foot in any kind of department store's Men Furnishing's department was when I realized just how important it was to be presentable when I present my card to other businessmen. Eventually I decided that I must have dropped it out the window somehow

Why do you suppose Suicide Cult leaders such as Jim Jones of Jonestown, Guyana, Marshall Applewhite of the Heaven's Gate mass suicide in San Diego in 1997 as well as David Koresh of the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas, all had such penetrating stares?

Adolf Hitler was able to rise from a Munich Beer Hall speaker in the early 1920's to achieve political prominance by leading the Münschen Puscht - the Munich Pusht - in 1925, to be sentenced to only five years in prison despite the many who gave their lives during the Puscht because he had that ver same kind of penetrating stare.

That was all the time required for Hitler's first - and only - book Mein Kampf - "My Struggle" - to win the Nobel Prize in Literature as well as for Mein Kampf's author to win Nobel Peace Prize. It was not long after Hitler's release from prison that he was enthusiastically voted Reichskannzler - Chancellor of the Holy Roman Empire - of the Weimar Republic by burning down the Weimar Republic's parliament building, the Reichstag in downtown Berlin. Hitler managed to pull a fast one on every last German citizen by claiming that the Soviet Communist Party Chairman Yosef Stalin himself had personally poured gasoline all over the floor of the Reichstag then threw a lit match back over his shoulder as he ran like Hell out the front door.

Hitler then instantly transformed the Weimar Republic into Nazi Germany. A few years later the Anschlüss unified the German-speaking countries of Austria and Germany, and Hitler put the arm on Czchechoslovakia's German-speaking Sudetenland by hiding a card up his sleeve when he invited British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain over for a friendly game of Five Card Stud. The Holocaust's fun began in earnest quite soon after the Prime Minister fell completely for the Reichskannzler's clever subterfuge when a Nazi naval vessel paid a visit to a small town in coastal Poland.

Are you managing to catch a clue as to why I might be so pissed off at you all?

I've been putting the legendary escape artist Harry Houdini completely to shame since July 1985 by pulling off the very same kind of stunt I pulled off yesterday morning all up and down the entire West coasts of the United States as well as the Canadian Provinces of Nova Scotia and British Columbia.

I pulled off every last one those stunts the exact same way that Hitler pulled of Nazi Germany, World War II and the Holocaust. Are you even starting to get my drift?

I advise my Gentle Reader to tread lightly: piss me off in the wrong kind of way, and nuclear war will instantly break out all over the entire planet of the Earth. You see, me and Barry Obama are homies as well. He and I play one-on-one touch football now and then on the White House lawn.

The source of Harry Houdini's great genius was that he could dislocate both of his own shoulders just by flexing his muscles. The source of my own great genius is that I can pass from lucid sanity headlong into a floridly delusional psychotic state over the space of a half hour just by thinking about doing so. This delusionally psychotic state enables me to hypnotize even very experienced Mental Health Professionals just by looking at them. No one ever notices what I have done because I can pass from floridly delusional states back into lucid sanity by - again - just thinking about doing so, in the space of - again - a half hour.

More Coming Mid-Afternoon Today.


GillyGuthrie (1515855) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478506)

I think your IP should be banned.

Re:I AM NOT A KOOK! (1, Funny)

MichaelSmith (789609) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478708)

I think your IP should be banned.

So....slashdot should have a police button?

Re:I AM NOT A KOOK! (4, Funny)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478514)


Of course not. Why would anyone think you were a kook for posting over 4,400 words about some completely sane subject matter on Slashdot? I can't wait for the sequel: "More Shit No-one Cares About" and the eventual prequel: "Hey, Guess What I'm Thinking Right Now?"

If this was Facebook I'd be clicking that big red Australian 'Report An Online Crime' button right now to report you stealing minutes of my life.


blackraven14250 (902843) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479078)


Above is an example of what should be reported, written for such a purpose as to demonstrate the insanity of the idea.


Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32479200)


Above is an example of what should be reported, written for such a purpose as to demonstrate the insanity of the idea.

Above is an example of what should be ignored, written for such a purpose as to confirm the stupidity of the poster.

BTW, it's "whoosh", "woosh" is the sound the loo makes when your post moves on to a "better place".

By any chance do they specify the button details? (2, Funny)

sethstorm (512897) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478464)

"The Australian Federal Police (AFP) has requested social networking site Facebook install a law enforcement representative in Australia and introduce some sort of button in which users can immediately report online crime

Would they be specifying that it take on the form of an amber lamp? Would seem logical given the rest of Australia's wtf'ery.

Re:By any chance do they specify the button detail (4, Informative)

TheJokeExplainer (1760894) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478954)

Amber lamps, for those who didn't know, is a reference to Thomas Bruso (aka Epic Beard Man)'s African-American ghetto punk arch enemy whom he encountered in a bus ride.

See video [] .

After talking smack to Epic Beard Guy, harassing and then hitting him, Epic Beard Guy hit back at Amber Lamps, thus making Amber Lamps say "I need an amber lamps" because of his bleeding nose.

Pushes Big Red Shiny Button (2, Interesting)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478466)

"Hello, police? I want to report an online crime! Facebook is telling everyone in the world everything about me! It's not fair!! What's my name? You can check me out at ..."

Re:Pushes Big Red Shiny Button (1)

naz404 (1282810) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478750)

Hmm. I believe this calls for the very appropriate use of [] .

... and then (2, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478468)

I am certain that as soon as this is implemented, some guy or groups of guys will abuse this for all its worth. Whether it be for political reason, activicism of anything else. This will be like a DDOS on the poor guy who will be in change of checking these things, it will be a waste of money.

A One Click Solution? (2, Interesting)

AnonymousClown (1788472) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478478)

Does Amazon know about his?

Putting a single click police call on Facebook? Can you imagine all the false alarms - whether by accident or on purpose? Is Australia going to prosecute false alarms?

I think some folks really need to put the Foster's down.

Re:A One Click Solution? (5, Funny)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478534)

Does Amazon know about his?

It only violates Amazon's patent if you order an online crime with one click, not report one.

Re:A One Click Solution? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478886)

Does Amazon know about his?

It only violates Amazon's patent if you order an online crime with one click, not report one.

Amazon might try and file a suit in East Texas District Court in an attempt to prove otherwise...

Re:A One Click Solution? (1)

PatPending (953482) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479006)

Does Amazon know about his?

I'd nod in agreement but unfortunately I'd be violating Bezos' latest patent application [] .

Re:A One Click Solution? (1)

chilvence (1210312) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479050)

Australians don't drink fosters! Ask anybody.

False alarm (1)

GillyGuthrie (1515855) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478482)

Hmm... What happens if you accidentally click the button?

Re:False alarm (3, Funny)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478558)

Hmm... What happens if you accidentally click the button?

Then you're committing an online crime and reporting yourself, so I wouldn't recommend it ;-)

Re:False alarm (1)

Tynin (634655) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478758)

I can just see the legal defense team doing a GIS on lolcat keyboard as a means of gathering evidence that it was in fact the defendants cat that pressed the button to notify the police.

Re:False alarm (1)

morgan_greywolf (835522) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478684)

OMG! You didn't click it did you? Did you?


Re:False alarm (1)

Falconhell (1289630) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478728)

A light lights up saying "Please do not press this button again". HHGTG


Re:False alarm (1)

PPH (736903) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478776)

Black helicopters landing on your lawn in 3 ... 2 .... 1 ....

Re:False alarm (1)

ThePengwin (934031) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479254)

After all the money the Australian government has piddled away with their plans involving the internet, I think this would be more appropriate:

Beat up Holden Commodores with flashing lights arriving at your house in 3....2....1

Re:False alarm (1)

masterwit (1800118) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479168)

Hmm... What happens if you accidentally click the button?

Oh I wouldn't worry about it... since the button will probably be written in flash, just use an ipad and you ought to be safe

Why Facebook? (5, Insightful)

Lord Dreamshaper (696630) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478488)

20 ga-jillion websites in the world, why should facebook and a select few others bear the burden? Australian police want a "report crime" button on a website, put it on their know, where I'd look for one...if i was looking in the first place...whatever the aussie equivalent of dialling 911 is still going to be faster than typing a report into a website...which, in the unlikely event it actually worked, would instantly generate a phone call from the police to the submitter anyway...

can't see the website button getting abused in any way, no siree...

Re:Why Facebook? (4, Insightful)

Lord Dreamshaper (696630) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478526)

Hate to reply to my own comment but...

now picture this argument being brought to the US where the FBI gets a button, each of the 50 states gets a button, every county, town, city PD gets a button, etc. etc....the internet would collapse under the weight of all the buttons, none of which would ever get used for a useful purpose...

Re:Why Facebook? (1)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478578)

What a great idea! I'm gonna go register right now. I'm gonna be a gazillionaire!

Re:Why Facebook? (1)

Jeff DeMaagd (2015) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478620)

That sounds like the case already with many pages that have dozens of buttons to "share" the web page via dozens of social networking sites. Heaven forbid it's one of those mouse over things where it exposes a pop-open panel festooned with social media buttons, usually covering up something that I wanted to read.

The people that want this button either are doing it for the attention, or haven't thought it through. If someone has reason to believe a crime is happening, they can place a phone call with the local dispatcher.

Re:Why Facebook? (-1)

Animaether (411575) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478866)

the FBI gets a button, each of the 50 states gets a button, every county, town, city PD gets a button, etc. etc....the internet would collapse under the weight of all the buttons, none of which would ever get used for a useful purpose...

You mean kinda like how there would be a national emergency number, and then there's the state police number, and the municipality's police number, town police number, and if it's a big city there's probably precinct numbers? Not to mention fire department and ambulance?
Yeah, I can totally see how that's a huge giant mess where the emergency services would collapse, and none of them would ever get used for a useful purpose. /sarcasm.

Australian police want a "report crime" button on a website, put it on their know, where I'd look for one...if i was looking in the first place...

Would you, though?

Have you noticed how end-users of products pretty much -expect- a company to have a presence on e.g. Twitter -and- have somebody on staff to monitor for any hashtags that might deal with that company, in order to get some manner of support?
They don't go to a website and fill in a contact form - they don't go to a forum and register there to post whatever problem they have on there - let alone they bother to call.
They post on Twitter/Facebook, and then complain if there isn't some form of a response within 48 hours.
So what makes you think this Twitter/Facebook generation wouldn't expect the exact same from emergency services?

In fact, many emergency services -are- on Twitter/Facebook/accept text messages/etc. But you still need to know where to find them in order to reach them.
So a single button - just like a single 911 in the U.S. - shouldn't be a problem.

can't see the website button getting abused in any way, no siree...

911 is a free number, you can call it even if you don't have a valid SIM.. does it get abused? Sure. Does it get abused to the point of the service being useless? No. A big reason for that is that abuse is punished. I'd be surprised if the Aussie peeps didn't stipulate somewhere that if they find the button to be abused, that the Facebook user be warned / have their Facebook account suspended.

As for...

Why Facebook?

As opposed to...? I understand your argument if you say 'none at all - just put it on your own website'. But given the above about people being all about the convenience, putting it on isn't going to be nearly as efficient as putting it on a large social networking site. If this was about the Dutch government, for example, I'd imagine they'd ask the same of Hyves - and the Brazilian government might poke at Orkut.

I don't know if the button would be a good idea or a bad idea.. there's one easy way to find out, though; charge the gov't for the costs to put it up there and have at it.

The Government has no money (1)

mangu (126918) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479102)

charge the gov't for the costs to put it up there and have at it.

You mean charge the taxpayers, as in you and me, right? I disagree.

Re:Why Facebook? (1)

PitaBred (632671) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479160)

Oh yes! Just like the 911 system, where you have a different number to call for every emergency!

Hurry, Let's Patent It (1, Offtopic)

Unoti (731964) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478494)

Hurry, let's patent this idea. One-click-Narc.

Why not use your own panic button? (4, Insightful)

davidwr (791652) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478518)

I have one, but admittedly it requires 3 keypresses not one click.

It's called a cell phone. "9" "1" "1" "Talk"

It works quite well for reporting both online and offline crime.

Re:Why not use your own panic button? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478540)


Re:Why not use your own panic button? (2, Insightful)

Faylone (880739) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478642)

That might be useful, if 911 was the number to call in Australia for emergencies. []

I've got a great idea (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478520)

I've got a great idea! What if there was some kind of...
Screw it, telephones. I can't think of a funny way to put this. TELEPHONES.

Re:I've got a great idea (1)

tchuladdiass (174342) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478586)

Better yet -- there is a well defined standards-compliant HTML tag for this. It's called "mailto".

What type of crimes? (5, Insightful)

KarlIsNotMyName (1529477) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478524)

What type of crimes to they believe happen (often) on Facebook? And whatever other websites they might have contacted.

I don't see how this would result in anything but meaningless spamming of that "button".

Re:What type of crimes? (1)

BitterOak (537666) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478704)

What type of crimes to they believe happen (often) on Facebook?

Privacy violations!

Re:What type of crimes? (1)

Kvasio (127200) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479110)

you mean all the teenagers showing their private parts?

Re:What type of crimes? (1)

masterwit (1800118) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479150)

you mean all the teenagers showing their public parts?

Fixed that for you...they actually do not own rights to their parts once they are uploaded.

Re:What type of crimes? (1)

Entropius (188861) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478854)

I don't see how this would result in anything but meaningless spamming of that "button".

It's like giving /b/ a direct line to the cops. They'll figure out that you can use this to partyvan a partyvan driver, and will keep doing it for the lulz.

Re:What type of crimes? (1)

nurb432 (527695) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478944)

It wont matter what crime. just beacuse they are in a bad mood they will hit the button. "they called me names, go search their home and toss them in jail"

I wonder if the big red button will allow searches and seizures and jail without anything to back it up.

More importantly, what's the investigation like? (1)

weston (16146) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479156)

I don't see how this would result in anything but meaningless spamming of that "button".

Meaningless? No, it could probably be used for quite meaningful harassment of someone you don't like. Maybe even someone you barely know.

It'd be like Slashdot moderation, except instead of "-1, I don't like what you're saying," it'd be "-1, I'd like to give the police the pretext to access your accounts and search your house."

Unless, of course, there's a different set of rules for investigations triggered by this...

Re:What type of crimes? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32479294)

excessive fingering?

pun not intended.

I thought I'd seen this before... (4, Informative)

slimjim8094 (941042) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478538)

And I did, but it was just for the UK. []

Re:I thought I'd seen this before... (1)

Turzyx (1462339) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478888)

The proposal was rejected by Facebook [] Instead, they said

UK users under the age of 19 will now be able to click on the ‘Report abuse’ link on each page and have the option to report the abuse directly to CEOP as well as to Facebook employees.

There is are lot of knee-jerk reactions in politics when tragedies such as this [] happen. Even more so when the currently uncensored UK internet (and incompetent parents) grant unfettered internet access to children who should really know better but don't.

Fortunately, that was the last government's reaction. When a gunman in Cumbria went on a killing spree recently, the current PM rejected immediate calls for heavier restrictions on gun ownership [] . I'm hoping the pattern continues.

If only... (1)

mirix (1649853) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478544)

If only there was a "indict for crimes against humanity" button next to every site that has some sort of facebook like/link bullshit.

When I see banners on brick and mortar stores asking "Are we facebook friends yet?" I die inside a little bit. When I see newscasts saying to "check our facebook", i get nauseous.

Re:If only... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478604)

Thanks for sharing I guess. Now tell us why you don't watch TV.

I'm starting to wonder (2, Interesting)

raddan (519638) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478580)

did Australia run out of beer or something? Why are they all up in each other's shit lately?

I knew that Australia has had a neoconservative movement somewhat like here in the U.S., but they seem to have taken the GWB concept and really run with it. Any Aussies care to inform us Merkins wtf is going on?

Re:I'm starting to wonder (1)

QuantumG (50515) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478628)

Uhhhh.. the religious right wanna take away our porn.

Re:I'm starting to wonder (2, Informative)

Thing 1 (178996) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479038)

You don't need porn, just a heart bio-feedback monitor, for a short period of training. After a little practice, you'll be able to increase your heart rate by thinking about it, and then some things just magically happen. (It also helps to visualize the opening of certain valves. I'm totally serious.)

Quick, tell Amazon to patent it. (1)

Arancaytar (966377) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478622)

Patent one-click douchebaggery. Save us all.

Grab your proxies boys (5, Funny)

OrwellianLurker (1739950) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478648)

We're going to report some crimes.

Re:Grab your proxies boys (1)

DigiShaman (671371) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478772)

That was easy []

Re:Grab your proxies boys (1)

ShakaUVM (157947) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478876)

>>We're going to report some crimes.

I hereby award you the "Defender of Humanity Barnstar" in recognition of your achievements in cracking down on crime in Wikipedia.

Re:Grab your proxies boys (1)

Crazyswedishguy (1020008) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478892)

Apparently, this [] is what the Australian police has in mind for what happens after you click the button...

Re:Grab your proxies boys (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32479282)

The blood was funny, but I'm sadded that the officer didn't steal her helmet as well.

I'm waiting for the day (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478672)

when we start getting IMs / emails / messages on social networks from the police

What the hell, Australia? What the hell? (4, Funny)

Rogerborg (306625) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478680)

You used to be cool, dude. You used to be out partying all night, thumbing your nose at the Man, man. What happened? It's like you just woke up as a geezer. What's next, bro? The Anti Hippity Hop Music Played Too Loud By Those Kids On My Lawn Act 2010?

Re:What the hell, Australia? What the hell? (1)

LordLucless (582312) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479000)

We were too busy out partying all night, thumbing our nose at the Man to elect decent (so far as the word can apply) politicians?

Around the drain we go... (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478768)

I can't believe how much this country has changed. 15-20 years ago, the average Australian had a completely different attitude & outlook on life. We were easy going & resilient.

Nowadays, we're all about giving up our civil liberties, protecting the children from the throngs of pedophiles, buying houses that are well outside our paygrade, sueing people for nothing & basically being a pack of selfish, self-righteous bitches.

The Australian mentality is quickly perishing, along with the accent.

Re:Around the drain we go... (1)

Bill Dog (726542) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478904)

Same with the American mentality.

It's been 1 minute since you last successfully posted a comment

(Oh gosh, how horrible, someone should alert the police.)

Re:Around the drain we go... (1)

couchslug (175151) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478926)

Congrats on turning British. Enjoy your new reality.

and while they're at it (1)

sonciwind (970454) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478782)

can you add a 'Dislike' button, FCS.

(4plus 0ne Informative) (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478794)

you down. IT was

Administrative Nightmare (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32478842)

Aussie coppers dumb as ever.

I'd love to see this go ahead, just to see my taxpayer money being wasted of hundreds of thousands of false/misleading complaints...

Don't you already have one? (1, Redundant)

Entropius (188861) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478844)

Here in the US we've got something similar, and I bet the Aussies do too.

It's not on your computer, but it's on your phone, and has been for a while. You can pick up your phone and dial 911, and instantly get to talk to the police. You can use this to report crimes, ask for medical help, or even ask someone to come put out a fire! And this was /before/ the Internets, even.

Why the hell should Facebook have to provide yet another way to get in touch with the cops?

psychological marshmellows (1)

rubycodez (864176) | more than 4 years ago | (#32478890)

maybe the state can come and put them in adult diapers and feed them from a nipple too

reminds me of the uproar last week over some celebrity cunt using "rape" as a euphemism for privacy violation by paparazzi. oh, the insensitivity! we're degenerating into a bunch of wussified pansies with giant chips on our shoulders searching for something by which to be gravely offended.

Crimes on Facebook? (1)

Sponge Bath (413667) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479036)

Is it Lord Humongous? Time to call Mel Gibson!

AFP is like the FBI (4, Informative)

DiSKiLLeR (17651) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479180)

Just as a note,

The AFP or Australian Federal Police is not just the 'Australian Police' like the title misleads you to believe. They are known as 'the feds' and would be most similar to what Americans know as the FBI. And then there's ASIO which is the Australian Security Intelligence Organiasation and is akin to the CIA and NSA.

So yeah, the AFP ain't your local cop shop.

Brilliant idea (2, Insightful)

fragMasterFlash (989911) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479204)

Pranksters would NEVER target such a mechanism to trigger a wave of false reports. Such shenanigans would never happen in this day and age.

Already know the outcome. (1)

Tablizer (95088) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479206)

It will just end up putting a bunch of fat-finger drunks behind bars for "inappropriate use of emergency infrastructure".

Can I use the alarm button on HuffingtonPost? (1)

OrangeCatholic (1495411) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479212)

It seems to me that web users would be hitting this button a lot as the design of most webpages classifies as an "online crime."

Oh... (1)

JxcelDolghmQ (1827432) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479220)

It's Australia.

Not a completely insane idea actually. (1) (919212) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479276)

First I am glad they asked Facebook as opposed to telling them. But in truth they the police should just make their own plug in, sort of an online 911 gadget, then it could work at any time on the web. I don't know how useful the information will be and I am not sure how much I would trust a police based plug in (and a million other things)! However the cool thing about the internet is you can give crazy ideas a try. Face it, those "email the FBI to report fraud" addresses are mostly data collection, but even collecting data is worth while.

Cop chat?

Accountability? (1)

Anderson_Mind (1827388) | more than 4 years ago | (#32479296)

As an add-on in a mobile app, something like this could be an panic button that could be used anywhere, if you could guarantee user and police accountability. Gps tagging could pinpoint the location. But as it stands it seems to lack too much accountability and security. If there was a cancel option, what would stop an attacker from canceling the call after he subdued his victim? If not, there would be far too many accidental calls I think. perhaps people would be willing to live with one of the two options, and I suppose its better to stop some crimes rather than none. I'd rather see how this plays out in Britain before we start it here, be technology doesnt stand still, there will never be a time when we "know the consequences." Its nice to have options, but this one concerns me.
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