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North Korea Develops Anti-Aging "Super Drink"

samzenpus posted more than 4 years ago | from the can-full-of-wonder dept.

Idle 296

__roo writes "According to North Korea's official news agency, a drink produced by North Korea's Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice Joint Venture Company can cure aging and all disease. 'It, with effects of both preventive and curative treatment, helps improve mental and retentive faculties by multiplying brain cells. It also protects skin from wrinkles and black spots and prevents such geriatric diseases as cerebral hemorrhage, myocardium and brain infarction by removing acid effete matters in time.' It also has no side-effects." Last month North Korea announced its fusion breakthrough, and now it has a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders may come in July — perhaps self-buttering toast.

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We've had that for years! (4, Funny)

OhHellWithIt (756826) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484522)

It's called beer goggles [urbandictionary.com] .

Re:We've had that for years! (1)

CarpetShark (865376) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485046)

Seems to me that stuff like Red Bull and Oil of Ulay is advertised in much the same way. Looks like NK is just catching up with the west.

So they won't need to worry (5, Funny)

Peter Simpson (112887) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484524)

About who's going to succeed Kim Jong-Il, then.

Re:So they won't need to worry (1)

NetServices (1479949) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484686)

Kim Jong Il needs to take it from the reports on his health

Re:So they won't need to worry (1)

Culture20 (968837) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484872)

Yeah, the real news is that North Korea has spent a lot of money on computer graphics to make a cyber Dear Leader. Now Kim Jong-Il can die, but his broadcasts will continue forever. We love you Dear Leader! We understand why only you have have the true benefit of the drink.

Re:So they won't need to worry (1)

shadowrat (1069614) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485348)

North Korea has spent a lot of money on computer graphics to make a cyber Dear Lead

Ever wondered what kind of damage cyberwarfare could do? Sounds like the North Koreans would have A LOT more to lose from a cyberassassination than the Russians.

Re:So they won't need to worry (4, Insightful)

sznupi (719324) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484882)

Or his demise could suddenly be "guaranteed" to be an act of assasination...

Re:So they won't need to worry (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485026)

Why don't they develop the means to grow food to feed their people instead?

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Good thing the US believes in small government and state's rights. Uhhhhhh, ooops. Good thing we have a constitution that is an immutable document to guide us through all the difficult times we face. Uhhhhhh, oops.

Welcome to the US in another decade or two.

Re:So they won't need to worry (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485170)

About who's going to succeed Kim Jong-Il, then.

Kim Jong-III, innit.

No different than the food supplements in America (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484536)

No different than the food supplements in America. They make all these claims and then some.

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484722)

Yeah, and those free speech hating bastards at the FDA want to stop me from selling water and making those claims! Fascists.

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485234)

gay, I wanted to moderate this overrated (at 0) but the lame mouse decided that I wanted to select funny instead. And since Slashdot got no confirm ..

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (-1, Offtopic)

aliquis (678370) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485256)

Seems like I have to answer by my own account to cancel my moderation, wanted to moderate -1 overrated but my lame mouse doesn't work that well on the surface to it decided that I wanted to moderate it funny instead. And stupid Slashdot user-interface design got no confirm/moderate/ok button.

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485446)

Hey cocksucker, the Overrated mod is not there for things you disagree with. Pieces of shit like you are why the Mod system doesn't really work anymore.

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (0)

Nimey (114278) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485440)

You laugh, but I have conservatarded and uberlibertarian friends who "think" that way.

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (5, Funny)

RyuuzakiTetsuya (195424) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484846)

I'm waiting for Kevin Trudeau to release a book titled, "Nuclear Fusion secrets THEY don't want you to know."

Re:No different than the food supplements in Ameri (1)

LowlyWorm (966676) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485314)

There are many claims being made about the new drink but does it give you wings?

and China puts up with this? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484538)

It's as if North Korea is deliberately trying not to be credible anymore. Why doesn't this embarass China?

Re:and China puts up with this? (2, Insightful)

Vinegar Joe (998110) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484586)

Because Chinese love the drink?

Re:and China puts up with this? (1)

thijsh (910751) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484892)

This is North Korea's attempt to live up to the high standards of credibility of it's western rivals... China should be able to relate, because they know everything that is wrong in their country is because of this corrupting western influence.

Re:and China puts up with this? (1)

negRo_slim (636783) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484922)

It's as if North Korea is deliberately trying not to be credible anymore. Why doesn't this embarass China?

Speaking of credibility, let us not forget that China is the country that brought us the Chintendo Vii [gametrailers.com] .

Re:and China puts up with this? (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484960)

Chinese government officials do not even pretend to respect any sort of truth. This puts them directly at odds with western governments who are very good at pretending to respect any truth.

Re:and China puts up with this? (1)

sznupi (719324) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484984)

All things considered, it's good to have the biggest threat to one of your regional economic competitors on your side.

5G Phone (1)

TheKidWho (705796) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484540)

North Korea is going to beat everyone to the punch and release the first 5G phone powered by their portable fusion reactor.

Re:5G Phone (5, Funny)

CarpetShark (865376) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485072)

Don't worry. Even if that happens, Jobs will come out with a 4G, coal-powered phone, and still convince everyone it's worth queuing all night and paying twice as much for.

\/|4gr4 (5, Funny)

nwmann (946016) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484558)

It will also make your penis grow in size, will make your erection last longer, and your orgasms more intense.

Re:\/|4gr4 (2, Funny)

gyrogeerloose (849181) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484736)

Great. Now we're gonna start getting spammed by North Korean pharmacies instead of just the Canadian ones.

Re:\/|4gr4 (1)

dziban303 (540095) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484968)

To be fair, doubling the length of the average Norf Korean penis to 5 inches isn't that, erm, big of an accomplishment.

Re:\/|4gr4 (1)

master_p (608214) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485168)

It will also make your penis grow in size

Exactly what Kim Jong-Il wanted.

Kim's Multi-Level Marketing Scheme (1)

ebusinessmedia1 (561777) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484572)

Not quite in time to help the "Great Leader". Oh, well. Looks like the start of a North Korean multi-level marketing scheme, with guaranteed buyers (all citizens will be compelled to attend). I can see Kim's people setting up the living room sell-through meetings, with free kimchee on the side.

Re:Kim's Multi-Level Marketing Scheme (1)

DarkKnightRadick (268025) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484778)

Hey now, kimchee isn't that bad. :p

Kim Jong-il (4, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484582)

No wonder he hasn't changed a bit since 10 years.

Re:Fuck Ya! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485014)

Lisa : If you could promise me you'll never die, I'd make love to you right now.
Kim Jong-il : Then I wouldn't be so roneree...

Not only self-buttering toast (4, Funny)

natehoy (1608657) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484594)

But self-buttering toast that lands butter-side UP when dropped, every time, meaning they have developed a small anti-Murphian field that envelops each slice of toast.

Next, this Anti-Murphian field will be generated on a larger scale and will be developed as an active defense, meaning that anything that can go right will go wright.

However, the device will be immediately outlawed and everyone involved in the project killed once Kim Jong-Il realizes that if he ever got in the vicinity of an anti-Murphian field he would be instantly deposed or killed.

Re:Not only self-buttering toast (1)

natehoy (1608657) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484620)

grep/wright/right. Odd typo, that. Obviously my personal anti-Murphian field failed miserably.

Speaking of anti-Murphian! (2, Interesting)

NotQuiteReal (608241) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484828)

The Wright-Murphy feud is almost as famous as the Hatfield-McCoy... no, wait, I think you are just trying to start something!

Let me fire the first salvo, I'll make up something...

Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.

Re:Speaking of anti-Murphian! (2, Funny)

gyrogeerloose (849181) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484938)

Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.

I thought Wright's Law stated that anything that can go rong will go rong.

Re:Speaking of anti-Murphian! (1)

Em Emalb (452530) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484940)

Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.

Em's corrallary:

Usually, the bastard doesn't deserve it either.

Re:Not only self-buttering toast (1)

gestalt_n_pepper (991155) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485096)

My *GOD* man. An anti-Murphian field could wipe out the last few millennium of human history, and possibly the human race. Such a thing must never be developed! All hail Murphy! All hale (Oh crap, there goes my key*)&&[]

Re:Not only self-buttering toast (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485222)

But self-buttering toast that lands butter-side UP when dropped, every time, meaning they have developed a small anti-Murphian field that envelops each slice of toast.

Nah, they just need to add a Cat gene to the toast/bread.

and Free Elections... (1)

Silly Man (15712) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484596)

And they promise there will be free elections in the country as soon as everyone learns a musical instrument. Kim says, 'it is part of a new cultural incentive program."

But... (1)

macbeth66 (204889) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484614)

Will it Core a Apple?

Re:But... (1)

ChinggisK (1133009) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484706)

Effectively, if you dump enough on the keyboard...

Re:But... (1)

CannonballHead (842625) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484956)

How many cores are we talking about here?

Re:But... (1)

Culture20 (968837) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484972)

Will it Core a Apple?

I don't know. Apples these days commonly have 2 to 8 cores.

Look what it did for the Great Leader (2, Informative)

mr_death (106532) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484734)

... he still hits a hole-in-one every day!

Jim Jones already tried this (4, Funny)

areusche (1297613) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484756)

and it didn't work out too well.

Re:Jim Jones already tried this (1)

goofyspouse (817551) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485146)

His mistake was using Kool-Aid(tm). This, OTOH, should work swimmingly.

In other news.... (1)

yeshuawatso (1774190) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484764)

North Korean soldiers have been spotted in a failed attempt to invade South Korea. The North's soldiers were all carrying Coke bottles with the Coke logo scribbled out and the words "Super Drink" written in crayon on the side. There were no Southern casualties.

Multi-level Marketing? (1)

spaanoft (153535) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484772)

It sounds like North Korea is moving into the highly lucrative multi-level marketing system. Along with this drink I'm assuming they'll start a long distance carrier that friends will attempt to get you to sign up for so they can get a commission, a business to sell rubies to friends, and possibly a skin cream to infuse your face with nutrients?

Wonderful (5, Insightful)

c (8461) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484776)

Now all they need to do is come up with a drink which protects against death by starvation and torture and the North Korean people will have something to celebrate.

c.

Great (1)

HangingChad (677530) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484784)

Hi, Kim Jong-II here for Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice. Tired of getting old? Memory fading? Can't get that grease spot out the shirt you stained stuffing your bloated, capitalistic face at the buffet? The mighty Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice cures all that and more. And, if you order today, we'll include a genuine Chinese Army battle shovel!

Snake Oil. (1)

B5_geek (638928) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484794)

You have to wonder if they are gulible enough to drink the Kool-Aid.

Why not? Folks have been selling snake-oil for as long as there has been selling and snakes!

Re:Snake Oil. (1)

goofyspouse (817551) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485204)

Folks have been selling snake-oil for as long as there has been selling and snakes!

Actually, I think selling snake-oil came about sometime later. Specifically, it was when someone discovered snakes contained oil that could be removed and sold separately from the snake.

Control of Media plus Demented Dictator (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484832)

Looks like the power structure (Glorious Leader flunkies) is pleasing the "boss" and deluding the masses - as usual.

Dystopia (1)

papabob (1211684) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484836)

A script for a sci-fi novel: after years of self-reclusion, the much hated North Korean country have developed two things, the most powerful army in Earth and a drink that can maintain their people forever young. Scared with the potential implications in economy and society, the "western" countries try to invade the korean territories but are repelled by the self-healing soldiers of the enemy...

(the rest is left to the imagination of the reader...)

In North Korea, old people ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484854)

... don't age anymore because they have super drinks.

Anti-aging, immunity boost, whatever... (4, Funny)

Millennium (2451) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484860)

The real question is, has it got electrolytes?

It's got electrolytes (5, Funny)

RevWaldo (1186281) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485018)

It's got what slaves crave.

.

Not so fast, North Korea (4, Insightful)

scorp1us (235526) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484896)

Many of you are familiar with he earth-at-night photo.

Well did you ever take a look at North Korea [wordpress.com] ? They don't have electricity, much less health care.

Re:Not so fast, North Korea (2, Funny)

PolygamousRanchKid (1290638) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485008)

Well did you ever take a look at North Korea [wordpress.com] ? They don't have electricity, much less health care.

No, the super drink just encourages you to go to bed early, and not leave the lights on.

Just like the Great Leader said, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a dictator healthy, wealthy and wise."

Re:Not so fast, North Korea (1)

sznupi (719324) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485266)

Hm, looking at the worldwide map, much of the US doesn't have electricity (much less healthcare?) either...

Re:Not so fast, North Korea (1)

Glith (7368) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485378)

Exactly. Because looking at the areas where the population density is almost nothing in the US (like the desert) is totally comparable to the 24 million people in that very small area.

Re:Not so fast, North Korea (1)

Danse (1026) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485398)

Hm, looking at the worldwide map, much of the US doesn't have electricity (much less healthcare?) either...

Ever notice the difference between having no electricity throughout nearly the entire country, which happens to be smaller than many US states, and having stretches of land where nobody lives in a one of the largest countries in the world?

Re:Not so fast, North Korea (2, Funny)

thijsh (910751) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485410)

Hey I can see Kim Jong-Il's house there, that one little dot... He must not be able to sleep at night...

In all seriousness.... (3, Insightful)

tverbeek (457094) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484920)

In all seriousness, these are warning signs that things are going to get very nasty in the Korean Peninsula very soon.

When a totalitarian regime plays the "we are being victimized by the rest of the world" card in their nationalistic propaganda, the people will generally believe it and will unite in support of the leader, sometimes for decades. But when a regime tries to stoke the nationalistic fires by playing the "we are the greatest country in the world" card and making impossible promises of how gloriously successful they will be in the coming years, promises that will very quickly be seen by everyone as the bullshit they are, something's gonna happen and it's gonna happen soon.

Re:In all seriousness.... (1)

Jeng (926980) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485176)

Or maybe Dear Leader knows that is what we would think.

He's trying to psych us out, still.

Re:In all seriousness.... (1)

Martin Blank (154261) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485572)

This is exactly the kind of story that has been coming out of North Korea for decades. They may well be in imminent danger of collapse, but stories like these are no harbingers of such calamity. Besides, China has a vested interest in propping up North Korea, because they don't want millions of refugees crossing uncontrolled into China.

Next up... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32484928)

North Korea announces their incredible scientists have created a Rainbow Factory and jump-started their Unicorn Breeding program.

North Korean joke (5, Funny)

sageres (561626) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484954)

At an art museum in Europe, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean stand before a painting of Adam and Eve holding an apple in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says: "The man has something tasty to eat and is eager to share it with the woman. Based on that, I would conclude that they're rather obviously English..." The Frenchman says: "I disagree. They're walking around entirely naked, so they must be French..." The North Korean says: "There is no doubt in my mind that they're North Korean. They have no clothes to wear, barely anything to eat, and they still think they're in heaven!"

special ingredients? (1)

JackSpratts (660957) | more than 4 years ago | (#32484990)

microelements are people man!

Vegameatavitamin (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485022)

Maybe they can get Kathy Griffin to be a spokesperson.

Time Travel (1)

aaronmoxxley (1828062) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485044)

The drink also lets you travel through time and sing like Rick Astley.

Still won't cure stupidity (3, Insightful)

kiehlster (844523) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485058)

They could really benefit from a drink that makes people aware of how outlandish they sound.

Take with food (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485060)

The directions indicate that you must take with food... they're screwed!

It's the anti-soju! (2, Funny)

Message (303377) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485064)

So they've basically developed the anti-soju! sweet

Simple explanation on how this works: (2, Informative)

kheldan (1460303) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485070)

You drink it, and it kills you. If you're dead, you don't age anymore, and dead things technically can't contract diseases.

hooray! (1)

KneelBeforeZod (1527235) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485082)

Unfortunately its so costly that only dear leader can imbibe this drink and absorb all of its nutrients so completely that he doesn't need to pee.

Their propaganda must be so effective that its immune to reason or sensibility. Scary

Finally! (1)

YourExperiment (1081089) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485092)

Thank heavens - my acid effete matters have been giving me terrible trouble lately, darlings.

A cautions hint: Comprade Kim is about to die (5, Insightful)

sageres (561626) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485124)

I have no doubt in my mind that this is a hint of opressed press: The Great Comrade Kim Jong Il is old, sick and soon to die. And here is a reason: in 1952-53 when Stalin was on his deathbed, official press maintained that "The Father of All Nations" was in the greatest health of all. However, sometime around that time, hints appeared all over the press, such an article that was published in Pravda that claimed that there is a rumor that Georgians live way past 130 years. The average Soviet people would then read it, conclude that it is impossible, and then realize what the paper really meant to say "between the lines".

What an accomplishment. (1)

shugah (881805) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485144)

Now North Koreans can live long enough to starve to death.

Just following their leaders example... (1)

meerling (1487879) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485152)

Lie, make outrageous and impossible claims, try to get everything you can out of it.
As does the leader, so do the people.

That joke... (1)

Zarf (5735) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485158)

This joke:

One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

... never gets old.

Drug test there world cup team! (1)

Joe The Dragon (967727) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485174)

Drug test there world cup team!

Superdrink! (1)

HideyoshiJP (1392619) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485238)

I'll take a case of it! Anyone in a country that trades with North Korea willing to be my shipping proxy?

secret ingredient : (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485242)

add a dash of crystal meth ; ) (and viagra?)

Advancements in toast tech. (1)

fahrbot-bot (874524) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485246)

One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

Pffft. Call me when they can make it always land buttered-side up.

I wonder... (1)

Essequemodeia (1030028) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485250)

I wonder if it can cure delusions of grandeur.. Their secret? Liquid razamatazz.

It's a feature!! (2, Funny)

CubicleView (910143) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485286)

"It, much higher than quality cosmetics in anti-oxidation capacity, is efficacious for different skin diseases, including allergic dermatitis. It also makes skin fair. "The drink has no side-effect."

It's a fruit juice drink that turns your skin white, but has no side effects....eh?

Better than toast (2, Funny)

Badmovies (182275) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485296)

Last month they announced their fusion breakthrough, and now they have a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

Bah. Wake me up when North Korea announces that they are going to release "Duke Nukem Forever."

Technology tie-in (1)

Jay L (74152) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485316)

This - Kim Jong-Il, atomic fusion, and death-defying soft drinks - this is what Steve Jobs would look like if he couldn't quite pull it off.

Who wants to live forever? (1)

Runaway1956 (1322357) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485368)

Really, what's the point of curing old age, and all the diseases known to mankind, if you have to live in Little Kim's dictatorship. I could probably learn to deal with Kim's egomaniacal personality - if only there were FOOD to go around. Think of it. Eternity ahead of you - and hungry all the time. Phhht.

We laugh (4, Insightful)

DaMattster (977781) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485390)

We laugh at the ridiculous claims of the famous "pigmy" leader's regieme whilst falling victim to the same scam in our own backyard. Look at the weight loss scam products that are out there that have spawned almost a billion dollar industry. It would seem that these shady product vendors bring a product to market long enough to make a large sum of money before being discovered as, at best inefffective and at worst, outright fraud. I find it funny that we laugh at the "Super Drink" while we become easily duped by advertisements on TV that claim super weight loss.

Re:We laugh (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485590)

I find it funny that we laugh at the "Super Drink" while we become easily duped by advertisements on TV that claim super weight loss.

Who's "we"? I don't fall for any of these scams, but Slashdot posted the Korean version, not the US version, so today I'm making fun of Korea. The US gets every other day of the year, except the days where I mock Canada and France, and Japan month.

Hell, we are scammed by our government just as muc (1)

Shivetya (243324) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485620)

as they are. Yet we think that because we live in a more modern society that they are the idiots.

I guess it is easier to look down on another country than admit to the problems in your own

Is the active ingredient Mercury? (1)

Maintenance Goof (1487053) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485418)

Or is it arsenic or both? Lots of old time medications that also gave fair skin and reduced dark spots have mercury and/or arsenic as active ingredients. To be fair, lots of skin care products in Asia and the Middle East, are still using these compounds.

Wait a minute.... (1)

warGod3 (198094) | more than 4 years ago | (#32485448)

Is this drink cyanide-based? I mean that would solve all of your antiaging problems...

It's all about the marketing.

Misread the quote (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485450)

as "Supa Drank"

Secret ingredient ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32485498)

Snake oil but don't try to copy it they have patented Snake Oil and plan to sue other faux anti aging drinks using snake oil.

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