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Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590150)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Offtopic)

mgierhart (1823976) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590366)

What. the. fuck.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (3, Informative)

Monchanger (637670) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590588)

It's called a troll.

Very quick Google search leads me to figure this: currently often posted in various places (YouTube is popular) by trolls who object to Obama. It actually predates the president, appearing at least as early as mid-2006 [quotesdb.info] , but Google thinks even back in 2001 [google.com] .

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Offtopic)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590630)

I know that it's a troll, and I know that it's insanely racist...but you know what? If you actually read the whole thing, it's pretty funny. Horrible and wrong, but funny. The jew one that gets posted every now and then is ESPECIALLY funny.

As a jew, I can honestly say that there is nothing funnier than a jew joke. Nothing.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32610044)

I'll bite. What makes it the funniest thing for you? Myself, I have an English & Canadian background and I like to ridicule my background [the "eh" thing, crooked teeth, non-presence in the Olympics, etc.] and am comfortable if other people do it as well but I wouldn't say it is the funniest thing ever. Just something I am comfortable to scorn. Like scorning IBM or Computer Associates software. Or red licorice. Or the idea that we will one day travel to other stars.

Anyway, why is there nothing funnier (to you) than a joke about your heritage?

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (1)

mgierhart (1823976) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591176)

Sorry, still kind of a noob here. Won't happen again.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (0, Offtopic)

g0bshiTe (596213) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591542)

Welcome, and beware the GNAA troll as well.

Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590166)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590808)

Dupe! Mod redundant!

Great, but... (0, Offtopic)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590192)

...will it make those people who upload videos of them working on their MPCs actually talented? I think of all the beatmakers on Youtube, there are maybe a handful that are actually worth watching.

The same cannot be said, however, for guitar players; Youtube is overflowing with them.

Re:Great, but... (3, Interesting)

Oddscurity (1035974) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590248)

I imagine it'll be a while before it lets you remix multiple Youtube videos into something like what Kutiman did [thru-you.com] . Nevertheless, at the very least it's a very nice tech demo.

Re:Great, but... (1)

commodore64_love (1445365) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590516)

MPCs?

I like youtube for all the free episodes of Penn & Teller I can get. And the nifty Firefox addon that lets me download them to my hard disk. However I am surprised Showtime doesn't complain & yank them.

Re:Great, but... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590610)

MPCs?

This is what I was referring to [akaipro.com] .

Re:Great, but... (1)

hitmark (640295) | more than 4 years ago | (#32596470)

why is it that everything on /. seems to go from zero to pro in no time what so ever?

is it that unless its done using professional grade/cost tools, its not worth doing, or something?

people have to learn/experiment somewhere...

Re:Great, but... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32596664)

In most cases, I would agree with you...but a lot of these people act like they are hot shit when in fact they are cold diarrhea. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't act like you're the best there ever was when you aren't even close.

Note: "you" is the general "you", not "you, hitmark".

Re:Great, but... (1)

hitmark (640295) | more than 4 years ago | (#32596842)

thats more a issue of attitude then gear tho, right?

Re:Great, but... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32597104)

Absolutely...I was merely using the MPC as an example because I figured people were most likely to know what I was talking about if I referred to that specific piece of hardware. I was obviously mistaken :-)

For the record, I don't care if someone uses hardware or software, if they use an MPC or a crappy, homemade $20 pad. I don't care if someone uses Reason or FL Studio, or any other comparison you can think of...so long as your tools allow you to create the music that you want, that's what matters.

Re:Great, but... (2, Funny)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590664)

And the nifty Firefox addon that lets me download them to my hard disk.

DownloadHelper? Invaluable add-on. I've used it for all sorts of...um...reputable sites. Nope, they weren't porn streaming sites. Nope. Not at all. ::crickets:: I DON'T USE IT FOR PORN, OK?????

Re:Great, but... (1)

commodore64_love (1445365) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590846)

>>>DownloadHelper?

No. It's called 1-Click Youtube Video Downloader. It lets me download MP4 or FLV for my computer, and 3GP files for slow connections (dialup; wireless). I love it. "NetVideoHunter" is my second-used program, for non-youtube videos like CNN or FOX News.

Re:Great, but... (2, Informative)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590914)

Ah, gotcha. The one I mentioned, DownloadHelper, works with any flash object on any web page, whether it's a movie, game, audio file, or anything else. You can download the object as an .flv, and I believe the program supports on-the-fly conversion to just about anything imaginable as well.

Give it a look [downloadhelper.net] , awesome stuff.

Re:Great, but... (1)

Hatta (162192) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591010)

I don't think that will work with, e.g., The Daily Show streams from Comedy Central.

Re:Great, but... (1)

Hatta (162192) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591030)

This is simply because the guitar is a superior instrument to any sampler. If I want to hear people make beats, I'll listen to a drummer. At least then it takes some skill to keep time.

Re:Great, but... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591128)

Making live beats using something like an MPC 1000 does take a ton of skill...it's just that most of the people who try to do it don't really have it -_-;;

Full Disclosure: I couldn't keep a beat if my life depended on it. That's one of the reasons why I make spacey ambient tunes...can't screw up a beat if there isn't one :-)

Re:Great, but... (1)

manicb (1633645) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591442)

Ok, I know it's bad to feed trolls, but...

Why? Because any beat that contains more than four sounds simultaneously is not worthy to be called music? Because if something is too fast to be physically played it should not be allowed to exist? Because there is no artistic use [youtube.com] for being able to trigger arbitrary sounds?

And yes, I can play guitar. But 'keeping in time' is not the only important skill in music. Neither is singing perfectly in tune. And if you think they are, you'd be shocked by the number of top live bands that use click tracks and autotune.

Re:Great, but... (1)

Hatta (162192) | more than 4 years ago | (#32592048)

But 'keeping in time' is not the only important skill in music. Neither is singing perfectly in tune.

But they are important skills. If you don't have them, don't cover them up. Compensate with what you're good at. e.g. Bob Dylan.

you'd be shocked by the number of top live bands that use click tracks and autotune.

You'd be shocked by the number of top live bands that suck. How can you improvise with a click track?

Re:Great, but... (1)

manicb (1633645) | more than 4 years ago | (#32608056)

That's fairly simple. You improvise within songs while staying in time with the click track. You have free time improvisations between the songs.

There is staying in time well enough that nobody notices, and then there is staying in time well enough that you can introduce complex keyboard and guitar sounds half-way through a song and be perfectly in time with them.

Re:Great, but... (1)

g0bshiTe (596213) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591586)

While true any idiot can use a 404, there still is alot to be said for someone that can use it and arrange something competently.

Your official guide to the Jigaboo presidency (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590272)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.

You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER

Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.

Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.

Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.

Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.

Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.

Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE

Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN

They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?

Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".

Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?

A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.

What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?

They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD

And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?

When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Kittens (1)

jjcushen (1637385) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590430)

This will make it MUCH easier to splice a Rickroll into videos of "OMG Cute Kittenz!!1"

Re:Kittens (1)

thijsh (910751) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590518)

Yeah, but I want to bet the metadata will automatically be linked, so you're warned by the movie info: 'Contains scenes from: Cute kittens, Rick Ashley'. Very likely that a ban on a video will result in (partial) bans of other videos that use scenes. This could be a great step forward in the whole meta-web idea, content can actually be derived and linked in an organized fashion... true web 3.0, now also with: moar kittens!!!11!eleventy!!!LOL!

Yo dawg (5, Funny)

dandart (1274360) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590470)

I herd u liek video so i put a video of ur video editor in your video editor in ur video player so you can watch while you edit while you watch while you edit.

Jumpcut Lives... (1)

drakaan (688386) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590502)

I was hoping this would happen someday. Jumpcut going away (thanks a lot for that, Yahoo) left a big hole in online video content. I'll be waiting for them to allow the same type of collaborative editing/borrowing.

Yay (3, Insightful)

simonbas (1319225) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590506)

More data for google!

Re:Yay (1)

boneclinkz (1284458) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590592)

Blood for the blood god. Data for the data gods.

Re:Yay (1)

macshit (157376) | more than 4 years ago | (#32596136)

Blood for the blood god. Data for the data gods.

Turtlenecks for the turtleneck god?

Re:Yay (2, Interesting)

ChienAndalu (1293930) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591762)

So they can target ads at you because they find out that you like crossfades and lens flares?

This meme has to die.

The Horror (4, Insightful)

COMON$ (806135) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590514)

Ok so now not only do I have to filter through voiceovers and subtitles to find the original version. I now have to cut through all the remixes and crap as well. Queue people taking popular videos and cutting in genitals in 5...4...3...

Re:The Horror (4, Funny)

omnichad (1198475) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590536)

With that countdown, you are clearly cuing and not queuing.

Re:The Horror (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590762)

No, he really was queuing, and this countdown will just have to wait like all the rest.

Re:The Horror (1)

Eil (82413) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591958)

If I could cue that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder

Re:The Horror (4, Funny)

thijsh (910751) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590570)

Oh, you missed the whole article on 'penis detection' huh? Youtube will probably include labels like: 'WARNING: this movie contains 5% penis. Click here to view original without bonus scenes.'.
But seriously, the great thing about an online editor that makes it so easy is this: they will keep the link to the old movie... no more 'this is a response to...' but 'this movie contains scenes from ...'.

Re:The Horror (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590656)

'WARNING: this movie contains 5% penis. Click here to view original without boner scenes.'.

FTFY

Re:The Horror (2, Interesting)

HopefulIntern (1759406) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590718)

What percentage of penis is acceptable in a youtube video? Do we need a system similar to the drink-driving laws? Sorry, this video is over 0.008% penis, which puts you over the limit. Video removed.

Re:The Horror (1)

thijsh (910751) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590886)

I dunno, the 'Spartacus: Blood and Sand' episodes are still very entertaining, but contain at least 50% penis. Not really my thing, but I'm not afraid to see it either... I would really like some advance warning though... The unexpected transition from flying swords, blood and tits to a screen filling swinging penis is unsettling to say the least.

Re:The Horror (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590946)

YouTube is already like that.

My sister watches those gawdawful "YouTubePoop" videos, half the time it sounds like her speakers are malfunctioning.

I wish kids would go back to melting plastic army men with magnifying glasses rather than mashing up crappy cartoons.

Further more get off my lawn...

PINGAS as much as ChatRoulette (1)

tepples (727027) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591186)

My sister watches those gawdawful "YouTubePoop" videos, half the time it sounds like her speakers are malfunctioning.

And the other half of the time, they're talking about PINGAS [youtube.com] .

Re:The Horror (1)

Scrameustache (459504) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591152)

I now have to cut through all the remixes and crap as well.

Yes. Now, this crap of remixes is starting now. I haven't suffered through that for years, it's a new thing from now on ;|

Close to the edit (4, Insightful)

Wowsers (1151731) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590544)

A video editor built into youtube. Excellent! Can we remove the fingerprint then they add to files for "copyright" enforcement? No? Then it's a rubbish editor.

Re:Close to the edit (2, Insightful)

melikamp (631205) | more than 4 years ago | (#32591120)

Hey I am still waiting for a feature so complicated, they haven't gotten to implementing it after all these years: a link to a video file. I purged all flash on my computers: I am just that afraid.

Symantec's Internet Security Threat Report states that a remote code execution in Adobe Reader and Flash Player was the second most attacked vulnerability in 2009. -WIKI

These affect GNU/Linux plugin just as well, so burn in hell, Adobe. And you, Web designers, get a clue and link to your bloody videos so that people can get it and watch it regardless of which browser they use.

Re:Close to the edit (1)

Voyager529 (1363959) | more than 4 years ago | (#32592206)

And you, Web designers,
get a clue and link to your bloody videos so that people can get it and watch it regardless of
which browser they use.

In broad theory, this is among the issues that Flash is supposed to solve, while simultaneously not making an easy avenue for the server to be DDoSed by having the video downloaded by a whole botnet simultaneously. Flash doesn't succeed nearly as well as I'd like and I'm not trying to defend its poor implementation of the idea, but "watch regardless of your browser or OS" is part of the issue that Flash (poorly) addresses.

Re:Close to the edit (2, Insightful)

melikamp (631205) | more than 4 years ago | (#32592484)

get it and watch it regardless of which browser they use

this is among the issues that Flash is supposed to solve

How does it solve it for text-based browsers? It cannot in principle. What about low-profile yet very capable browsers like NetSurf or Midori? I am not against embedding video, I just want a fail-safe option, and it's not like it's a hard one to implement. DDOS issue is avoided trivially by either running a torrent (popular video) or limiting the number of connections (unpopular video).

Re:Close to the edit (2, Insightful)

PhrstBrn (751463) | more than 4 years ago | (#32592664)

How does it solve it for text-based browsers? It cannot in principle.

I too, am I waiting to stream YouTube videos with ELinks over SSH. If only people stopped using flash I'd be able to view the web properly.

Re:Close to the edit (1)

Nadaka (224565) | more than 4 years ago | (#32593644)

You might be surprised that this kind of thing is at least theoretically possible. What you need is some kind of video to text translation proxy.

http://www.webmonkey.com/2010/06/real-time-video-to-ascii-converter-written-in-javascript/

Re:Close to the edit (1)

AK Marc (707885) | more than 4 years ago | (#32597138)

I know you are being purposefully obtuse, but I agree with the original point completely. What if I know I'm going to have an offline period, like a plane flight, and want to scrape a website and browse it in the air? Oh, I get anything that doesn't include video? Why? What's the reason to exclude those that want to view something offline?

Re:Close to the edit (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32591282)

I think you are confusing fingerprints with watermarks. YouTube does not use watermarks for copyright enforcement.

Re:Close to the edit (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32592034)

So does Google actually do this, or are you just spouting off a load of crap because you are hoping for an insightful comment from the mods?

Good on Google! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590774)

Google's cloud has sold me on the concept of cloud computing

Why such a focus on fancy crap? (4, Insightful)

shadowmage13 (911186) | more than 4 years ago | (#32590826)

New features are wonderful, but i wish they'd just make the site really solid before they released fancy crap...

http://blog.thesilentnumber.me/2010/06/10-killer-improvements-youtube-needs.html [thesilentnumber.me]

See, if they had the option to specify copyright, users could be shown a vast library of other videos and songs they could use to edit.

Re:Why such a focus on fancy crap? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32592190)

What an insightful blog. So YouTube needs to do is get rid of advertising and send more money to the channel partners. I suppose they should hand out coupons for blow jobs as well.

Re:Why such a focus on fancy crap? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32592796)

Sounds like a good idea to me....

ios 4 link (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32590874)

This is probably related to the video-editing capabilities of ios 4. To be able to compete with it, a fast solution for android (and every other browser) would be to edit online, and to make this available on every browser via youtube.

smart.

Peter (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32591180)

That's a seriously primitive editor if you compare to JayCut (which also has an API to integrate it).

Check it out: http://jaycut.com/video-editor-demo-landing

Re:Peter (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32591448)

Wow, that's a really fantastic video editor. It doesn't even work for me in Safari, Chrome, Opera and Firefox.

Re:Peter (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32594754)

Works for me. May be you dont have flash or have an outdated version of flash
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