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Chinese News Reports the Taliban Are Training Monkey Soldiers

samzenpus posted more than 4 years ago | from the I-want-to-shoot-like-you-oo-oo dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 232

According to a Chinese news publication, soldiers in Afghanistan may soon come up against a deadly new weapon in the war: monkey soldiers. The report claims that the Taliban are training the monkeys to shoot and kill American soldiers. They also claim to have pictures of monkeys holding AK-47s and Bren light machine guns. From the article: "The New York Magazine has reported about this in jest and stated on Friday, 'No invader has ever conquered Afghanistan, and now we know why. The monkeys will not allow it. It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win.'”

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fp (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876066)

f1r$t

what? (1)

Dyinobal (1427207) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876070)

Am I the only one who thought monkey soldiers was a type of military unit? Like shock troops or special forces? It wasn't until I saw the picture that I actually got it, they mean actual monkeys.

Re:what? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876218)

You mean like frog-men?

Re:what? (1)

Dyinobal (1427207) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876236)

yes exactly!

Really bad translation... (3, Funny)

RingDev (879105) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876678)

The time the cited the Onion on the story about the retractable dome over the capital building was funny, but this has to be the worst translation ever.

Monkey Soldiers...
Guerrilla Tactics...

-Rick

Re:what? (1)

WrongSizeGlass (838941) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876912)

Won't somebody think of the monkeys?

Re:what? (1)

Chapter80 (926879) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877190)

This is news? How long has Guerrilla Warfare been around?

Seriously, it didn't work for the Wicked Witch of the West, why would it work for the Wicked Warmongers of the Middle East.

How to counter.... (3, Funny)

AnonymousClown (1788472) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876074)

Grunt: "Sarge, there's a platoon of monkeys coming at us!"

Sarge: "Alright. Get the fruit truck and the truck loaded with female monkeys in heat."

The monkeys will then drop their weapons, run for the fruit and then for the females in heat. Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.

Re:How to counter.... (5, Funny)

countertrolling (1585477) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876304)

Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.

Until the Taliban truck in a bunch of Playboy bunnies, weed, and Twinkies

Re:How to counter.... (5, Funny)

AnonymousClown (1788472) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876436)

Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.

Until the Taliban truck in a bunch of Playboy bunnies, weed, and Twinkies

War is Hell.

Re:How to counter.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876694)

Since we repealed "don't ask don't tell," The Playboy bunnies won't be 100% effective at least.

Re:How to counter.... (1)

PDX (412820) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876728)

This reminds me of a Charlton Heston movie. When will Mark Wahlberg show up? When can I expect the monkey's to start looking like Helena Bonham Carter?

Re:How to counter.... (1)

Duhavid (677874) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876702)

So.... the female monkeys in heat... Fresh fruit aint good enough for them?

uh.... (0, Offtopic)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876080)

This is no longer a fight we can win.

pfft...how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all?

WE'RE BROKE AND OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER MASSIVE DEBT...but uh...we're gonna keep killing these fucks. Send gas, ammo, and armor. Thanks, mom!

Seriously?

Disclaimer: No, I do not support the Iraq or Afganisthan wars. No, that doesn't mean I don't "support the troops".

Re:uh.... (2, Insightful)

clang_jangle (975789) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876124)

Well if they're going to have monkeys and we're getting robots at least the entertainment value should go up a bit.

Re:uh.... (2, Funny)

Beardo the Bearded (321478) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876636)

Wait just a minute.

If they use monkeys and the US uses robots, we can rig up some Predator drones with cameras, hook the whole thing up to pay-per-view, and then start trucking in the weed, twinkies, Playboy, fruit, female monkeys, oil, booze, and blackjack.

Hey, people can PAY to have the trucks come in. "$50 more and the US gets the truck of bananas."

The free hand of the market at work.

Re:uh.... (1)

besalope (1186101) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876674)

Robots Versus Monkey Wrestlers?

and where's my mooncity?!! (4, Interesting)

Thud457 (234763) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876798)

It's the 21st centruy, why can't I pony up $50 so I can shoot a enemy of America in the head via webcam ?!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6568977/#slice-2

Re:uh.... (2, Insightful)

Sponge Bath (413667) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876146)

It only took Russia one decade to figure this out. Looks like it will take us two decades to come to our senses.

Re:uh.... (0, Troll)

pastafazou (648001) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876158)

newsflash: you ARE engaged in the fight, so quit whining about it, it's not accomplishing anything except demoralizing your own troops and encouraging the taliban fighters to keep fighting.

Re:uh.... (1)

logjon (1411219) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876418)

I don't think you quite understand the purpose of the first amendment.

Re:uh.... (1)

pastafazou (648001) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876524)

I completely understand the purpose of the first amendment. I don't think you quite understand the fact that whining about things that have already happened can't change them.

Re:uh.... (2, Insightful)

logjon (1411219) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876598)

Those who can't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. It never ceases to amaze me how many flag-wavers see the bill of rights as an obstacle to be overcome. I realize full well the futility of bitching about things that have already happened, at the same time, OP's post was about CONTINUING the war. The money that will be spent when we're still fighting this thing 5 years down the road HASN'T already happened. Telling OP to shut up because he takes a stance politically indicates to me that you're just another flag-waver; may God have mercy on your soul.

Re:uh.... (1)

pastafazou (648001) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876976)

First, I'm not even from your country, so you're wrong on the flag-waver call. Second, his post wasn't about CONTINUING the war. Read it carefully. He clearly says "how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all". That's referring to an event that has already passed. He hasn't suggested any means of extracting your country from the shit, he's merely bitching about how you're stuck in the shit, when you shouldn't be. And as I said, bitching about being stuck in the shit only demoralizes those trying to clean the shit up. The time for bitching is when the elections roll around, and you can fire those that got you stuck in the shit if that's how you feel. Now is the time to do what you can to help those shoveling. Third, how is it you know you'll still be fighting this thing 5 years down the road, and why aren't you doing anything to see to it that it can get resolved quicker than that? And finally, don't be asking YOUR God to have mercy on MY soul. That's between ME and MY God.

Re:uh.... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877094)

Let's take a look back at my post, shall we?

pfft...how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all?

WE'RE BROKE AND OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER MASSIVE DEBT...but uh...we're gonna keep killing these fucks. Send gas, ammo, and armor. Thanks, mom!

Seriously?

Note the bold sections. I was referring to the fact that we shouldn't have started these conflicts in the first place, nor should we be continuing them.

He hasn't suggested any means of extracting your country from the shit

Simple. We pack up and leave. Whether we leave now, five years from now, or fifty years from now, they WILL come back. Might as well do it before more American soldiers are killed and taxpayers dollars are wasted.

Re:uh.... (0, Insightful)

logjon (1411219) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877120)

WE'RE BROKE AND OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER MASSIVE DEBT

'We are.' Present tense.

we're gonna keep killing...

Future perfect tense. Your reading comprehension leaves a lot to be desired. Yes, you can be against continuing something on the basis that it should never have happened in the first place. That is not the same as arbitrarily bitching about things that have already happened.

Re:uh.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876566)

Newsflash: talibani cavedwellers don't read slashdot and don't give a shit what the GGP says.

Newsflash: Neither do most of our soldiers.

I love all these dweebs who claim that a little dissent at home is what makes our soldiers unable to tell which towelhead is their friend and which towelhead wants to kill them when we're backing a corrupt asshole who is currently destined to be the Shah of Afghanistan. Just like how Kent State students had some super powerful invisibility ray that made us lose Vietnam, and this was back when it was OK for our soldiers to rape and slaughter entire villiages, but they still couldn't find the damn Viet Cong. Naturally, everyone in possession of this invisibility cloak refuses to allow the military to use it for themselves.

Re:uh.... (2, Insightful)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876580)

it's not accomplishing anything except demoralizing your own troops and encouraging the taliban fighters to keep fighting.

Right. I'm sure their encouragement has nothing to do with bombing their homes. It's me talking smack about our presence there. Of course! Alert the military! ::eye roll::

Re:uh.... (1)

pastafazou (648001) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877042)

I guess you don't even have a clue about all the work that's going on in Afstan, do you? You think all that's going on is the US military bombing homes?

Re:uh.... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877158)

You think all that's going on is the US military bombing homes?

What I think is going on is irrelevant...our enemies think all we're doing is bombing homes, which certainly doesn't help lower their bloodlust.

Re:uh.... (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876162)

You mean you support the troops that aren't casualties and that you think the other ones died for nothing.

Re:uh.... (1)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876648)

I support the fact that they are serving their country...but the missions in Afghanistan and Iraq are indeed a waste of our time. That's not the soldiers' fault.

"War is a lot of young men dying and a lot of old men talking."

Re:uh.... (0, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876284)

I've got a better option, let's cut and run, and let those fucks continue to conquer the world. Let me give you a hint. How many muslim countries were there when you were botn? How many are there now? Do you want your daughers to be property? I'm not willing to accept that.

So, you keep supporting our troops by encouraging our enemies, and I'll keep killing the fuckers who intend to kill you if you don't convert.

Re:uh.... (5, Insightful)

Pojut (1027544) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876512)

I've got a better option, let's cut and run, and let those fucks continue to conquer the world.

Clearly, hurling rocks at tanks = conquering the world, while spending billions upon billions of dollars on advanced weaponry and yelling at anyone that doesn't agree with us isn't conquering the world.

And, naturally, trying to convert as many countries as possible to our way of doing things doesn't count as conquering.

So, you keep supporting our troops by encouraging our enemies, and I'll keep killing the fuckers who intend to kill you if you don't convert.

That's funny...I don't seem to recall American citizens being killed by Muslim's on a regular basis until we invaded their countries.

Re:uh.... (3, Insightful)

logjon (1411219) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876726)

Speaking of Islamic states, let's topple one of the most secular governments in the middle east and let the Islamic fundamentalists vote in a new leader. Nothing could go wrong there...right? I mean, it's absolutely right to demonize Hussein, but don't try to convince me that they were going to come in and forcefully change our way of life. Especially when Hussein and Al Quaeda were in direct ideological conflict regarding secularism.

Re:uh.... (2, Insightful)

ZFox (860519) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877204)

Who was invaded by the USA before this war? [wikipedia.org]

Re:uh.... (1)

pastafazou (648001) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877208)

what world are you living in?
1983 [wikipedia.org]
1993 [wikipedia.org]
October, 2000 [wikipedia.org]

for a more complete list of American citizens being killed by Muslims, try here [infoplease.com] .

Re:uh.... (1)

pluther (647209) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877102)

You're an idiot, and so is whoever rated your nonsense "insightful."

Even if you believe all the hype, propaganda, and nonsense about Islamic Terrorism, we are not, and never were, in danger of being conquered by Afghanistan.

Even if they did manage to create a nuclear device and set it off somewhere in the US, that would have meant we would have lost one city to destruction, it would not mean that we suddenly all converted to fundamentalist Islam.

The only religious fundamentalists trying to take over the US are Christian, and even they are mostly irrelevant. Sure, they can damage our science education somewhat but even with a sympathetic President and with majority control of both parts of the Congress they were unable to make much progress in their favorite agenda items (abortion and homosexuality). And that's in a religion that 80% of the populace agrees with. Can you honestly believe that fundamentalist Islam can possibly be more successful?

Best be careful.... (5, Funny)

daemonenwind (178848) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876082)

If you start arming monkeys, you end up with a banana republic.

I came here to... (4, Funny)

Sponge Bath (413667) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876222)

...eat bananas and kick some ass, and I'm all out of bananas!

Re:Best be careful.... (1)

Hognoxious (631665) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876254)

I'd be concerned about a mutiny; apparently the pay is peanuts.

Re:Best be careful.... (1, Insightful)

elrous0 (869638) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876666)

At least the monkeys are more civilized than the Taliban. They smell better too.

Well then (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876084)

I, for one welcome our gun toting simian overlords.

Re:Well then (1)

besalope (1186101) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876698)

I, for one welcome our gun toting simian overlords.

You Damn Dirty Ape!

(I know monkey != Ape, but it's close enough)

Fight Fire with Fire (2, Informative)

Sponge Bath (413667) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876108)

Time to call Lance Link!

And so starts (4, Funny)

Kitkoan (1719118) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876130)

The real planet of the apes... DAMN YOU

As seen in the picture (0, Flamebait)

twebb72 (903169) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876142)

Each expendable monkey is accompanied by an equally expendable child ranging 8 - 12 years old.

Re:As seen in the picture (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876804)

Wait til you see PETA get fired up about killing the monkeys.

Screw the women and children noncombatants. SAVE THE MONKEYS!!

I've heard of guerrilla warfare before... (4, Funny)

ProppaT (557551) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876168)

...but this is ridiculous!

Re:I've heard of guerrilla warfare before... (1)

sznupi (719324) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876244)

Meh, seen it before [wikipedia.org]

Re:I've heard of guerrilla warfare before... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876324)

I'm not being properly pedantic if I don't point out that gorillas aren't monkeys. I'm sure someone else will ape this comment.

Maybe they are? (4, Funny)

elucido (870205) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876172)

Maybe they are?

I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.

Re:Maybe they are? (2, Funny)

PPH (736903) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876600)

Right. Have you seen the price of 72 virgins lately?

Re:Maybe they are? (1)

jbeach (852844) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876626)

But if anyone can find 72 monkey virgins, Allan can.

In fact, Allah is probably the only entity imaginable who can. Not even Hanuman would be that interested.

Re:Maybe they are? (1)

elucido (870205) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876744)

Right. Have you seen the price of 72 virgins lately?

Of course those virgins have no rights, so they can be traded like property, as if Allah condones slavery.

Re:Maybe they are? (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876946)

they have monkeys we have Unmanned drones. at this rate its who runs out of rc planes/monkeys to kill each other with first.

Re:Maybe they are? (1)

gtall (79522) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877160)

Maybe they are running out of their daughters to strap suicide vests. That was also one of their favorite tricks. And then there is that passage in the Koran about 72 bananas....

Samzenpus: Ideal contender (-1, Flamebait)

Robotron23 (832528) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876198)

Hey samzenpus, since many of your Idle submissions put you roughly on the level of primate intelligence relative to most other Slashdot editors (except kdawson who is roughly as clever as a dolphin) - why don't you sign up as pack leader for the Taliban monkeys?

Firstly your small, spry body complete with ridged forehead and prolific chest/back hair would allow you to blend in with many other monkeys. Imagine how awesome your blog would be until a drone riddled your platoon of chimps - you, the lone survivor sprinted off screeching about how anti-USA you'd be as you posted Idle submissions in future.

Your experience in dealing with your own tick infestations, penchant for inane screeching as you watch humorous videogame parody videos, and brilliant moral boosting communacative skills make you prime(ate) material.

Not flamebait (0, Offtopic)

Robotron23 (832528) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877146)

This being modded 'flamebait' is a bit silly.

Samzenpus himself rarely writes comments in his own Idle posts. Also I don't think I've actually seen anybody on Slashdot write a passionate defence of his postings since Idle was created, infact the majority of people who talk about him do so in a critical or disapproving tone. Many people just block Idle altogether.

Based on this, whoever modded my original post 'flamebait' isn't thinking straight...because even if it was intended as such (it wasn't) nobody would rise to the 'bait' and flame me in defence of an editor who many would agree is Slashdot's worst.

Sarcasm, but I agree with the sentiment. (3, Insightful)

pablo_max (626328) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876220)

"...It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win."

History would indicate this is actually the case.

Historical Precedent (1)

coaxial (28297) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876232)

Lord Ram had a monkey army not only fight for him, but build a bridge to Sri Lanka so that he could attack his enemies.

AND DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT'S A MYTH! [bbc.co.uk]

Re:Historical Precedent (1)

rev_sanchez (691443) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876344)

Yes, but the bridge, while long, is underwater. Money contractors may work for bananas but the quality of the work still isn't there especially on maritime projects.

The Taliban should heed the warnings of Thatcher (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876248)

She very wisely warned against the outcome when you run out of other people's monkeys.

Somebody has to say it... (0)

0b1knob (927658) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876250)

I for one welcome our new Taliban Monkey soldier overlords....

So the Taliban has finally evolved to a primate? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876272)

How can you tell the difference? Unless you see their tail as they run away.

Monkey soldiers? (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876274)

C'mon! You can say it... They're using niggers!

Way ahead of you (1)

pEBDr (1363199) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876276)

We swedes actually tried that with moose a couple of hundred years ago. The moose were actually quite good at killing people. Sadly almost all of them were swedes.

Re:Way ahead of you (4, Funny)

PPH (736903) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876564)

A Møøse once bit my sister...

Are we sure this isn't just (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876286)

the Chinese equivalent of The Onion, and we don't know enough Chinese to recognize it?

Methinks (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876308)

the Chinese have been reading The Onion again. http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/Hoaxipedia/Retractable_Capitol_Dome/

It is the time of the monkeys.... (1)

aapold (753705) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876322)

Now get in there and test that luggage!
Headquarters! what is it? I can't move my lips!
Can't see a thing through these masks
Go go godo watch him go go go
Little Johnny is a walking faux paus
His royal purpleness!

One Boatload of Bananas ... (2, Funny)

Herschel Cohen (568) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876364)

will wipe the Taliban out. Capitalism at Work, i.e. Cost Efficient Bribery.

They are doomed I tell you.

Appropriate counter (1)

aapold (753705) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876402)

We need to train monkey-eating eagles, like the Phillippine Eagle [wikipedia.org] and the Harpy Eagle [wikipedia.org] ....

Bomb monkeys? (1)

euyis (1521257) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876408)

Monkeys that can aim and fire the guns are too unrealistic, maybe the terrorists are just training suicide bombing monkeys.
So they're repeating some really, really old mistake - Soviet anti-tank dogs [wikipedia.org]

Coo (1)

SnarfQuest (469614) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876430)

What do you do if these monkey soldier stage a coo? I'd guess you could just wait a couple of hours until they lose interest and go off in search of bananas.

Re:Coo (3, Funny)

Binkleyz (175773) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876660)

Stage a coo? As in a pigeon call?

Re:Coo (1)

Thud457 (234763) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876878)

maybe he was thinking of the word " coop ".

wait, that makes even less cents

We're way ahead of them. (5, Funny)

John Hasler (414242) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876458)

The Marines have had guns for centuries.

Re:We're way ahead of them. (1)

elrous0 (869638) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876754)

Now, now, there is really no need to insult the monkeys like that.

Re:We're way ahead of them. (1)

2obvious4u (871996) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876816)

It all makes sense now, I always wondered where Hooah [wikipedia.org] came from, it was just monkey talk...

Re:We're way ahead of them. (1)

John Hasler (414242) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876892)

> Now, now, there is really no need to insult the monkeys like that.

Good point. Gorillas aren't monkeys anyway. They're apes (though behaviorly chimps are a better fit).

Re:We're way ahead of them. (1)

Sporkinum (655143) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877174)

And monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!

Response from the American Military command: (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876470)

NUTS!

Won't it draw attention? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876514)

I know I'd be suspicious if I saw a monkey running towards me holding out a banana with a lit fuse.

Is This Monkey One of (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876560)

them [guardian.co.uk] ?

McCain is as incoherent as Rand Paul, the male version of Sarah Palin.

Yours In Astrakhan,
Kilgore T.

It's not that bad. (1)

Deathlizard (115856) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876596)

Actually, it's not that bad since the US has robots on our side.

Now if they were ninjas that would be a different story, since the only place that has pirates is somalia.

Chinese News falling for Onion article again? (1)

Arancaytar (966377) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876634)

It wouldn't be the first time.

oblig Dr StrangeLove reference (2, Interesting)

stewbee (1019450) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876686)

General Turgidson: " Mr President! We must not allow a monkey soldier gap."

Every which way (2, Funny)

vgbndkng (1806628) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876704)

Left turn, Clyde.

Monkey Overlords (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876718)

I for one welcome our new Monkey overlords

Coming soon... (1)

talktoyourpillow (1615697) | more than 4 years ago | (#32876942)

gorilla warfare

Shhhhh... - nobody tell Fox News (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32876990)

Nobody tell Fox News, or we'll have Caribou Barbie on every channel screaming about how Obama isn't doing anything to counter the monkey menace!

Queue Laser Shark Jokes... NOW (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 4 years ago | (#32877004)

The Mumbai attack would have been worse if the terrorists could have taken out the navy too.

Project X (1)

dadelbunts (1727498) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877058)

Hey if Matthew Broderick can teach them to fly planes this is possible.

Not New (1)

hasanen (745497) | more than 4 years ago | (#32877068)

Well..this is not new, Microsoft has be doing this for years.
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