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Reason #0 (4, Insightful)

BSAtHome (455370) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308874)

There are no zombies?

Re:Reason #0 (4, Insightful)

lgw (121541) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308946)

But there is a huge market for all things zombie, and it doesn't even seem to have peaked yet. Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.

Most of the zombie fiction is just a different approach to RPG-style problem solving, and has the same appeal. A zombie outbreak happens near you, and the zombies work this way. What do you do? What do you eat? How do you defend yourself? Do you find others, or avoid others? etc, etc. It's good fun.

Re:Reason #0 (2, Funny)

Korin43 (881732) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309102)

and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.

Yet.

Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (4, Funny)

TiggertheMad (556308) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309252)

Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.

Want to know why zombies are so cool? Because Hollywood will never be able to get 14 year old girls interested in crappy zombie romance/emo books and movies....

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (4, Funny)

Emerssso (865009) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309552)

That's what you think. Just wait until I finalize the deal with my publisher and my first novel hits the market. It features Zack the Zombie and his star-crossed love affair with teenaged Sarah, a clumsy yet lovable girl I'm sure young women across the country will fall in love with.

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (2, Insightful)

Keen Anthony (762006) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309680)

It wouldn't be hard to really. Look at the average post-goth teen. They're still in love with death and the macabre. A vampire is just an undead human if you remove the demon aspect. Stephenie Meyer did that *shudder*. I suppose, you could have teen protagonists, one of which dies and comes back, and then they try to make it work. Think about Return of the Living Dead 3 and factor in some of the recent zombie mockumentaries where zombies are vying for civil rights. I think, sadly, a teen zombie romance is a logical eventuality. I'm sorry.

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (3, Informative)

Zerth (26112) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309700)

They made a comedy like that, back in the 90's: My Boyfriend's Back [imdb.com] A couple other low-budget ones I can't remember from the 80's, too.

Can't remember any serious/emo ones, though.

Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309702)

Mandatory: http://xkcd.com/591/

Re:Reason #0 (1)

strayant (789108) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308964)

yet!

Re:Reason #0 (1)

The Pirou (1551493) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309140)

Maybe you don't read /. enough

Yesterday for example:
http://science.slashdot.org/story/10/08/18/2157230/Zombie-Ants-and-Killer-Fungus [slashdot.org]

Of course, this all depends on what your definition of zombie is.
Some people are strict with the human 'undead' moniker, but as I recall, the zombie dogs in the original Resident Evil game were the scariest aspect of Zombie-dom ~'97, so branching out to the animal kingdom and accepting Ants who are under the influence of the pod people under that Umbrella (hur hur hur) is a logical next step in recognizing that Zombies exist.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

rwa2 (4391) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309658)

Real-life zombies are probably more subtle. They probably live among us, and you don't even realize it!

Read this about parasites that can alter human and other mammal behavior and come back and say it isn't as much of a stretch as you'd think:
http://www.technovelgy.com/ct/Science-Fiction-News.asp?NewsNum=547 [technovelgy.com]

Case in point: cat ladies.

Re:Reason #0 (4, Informative)

w0mprat (1317953) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309722)

It's a called a Zimboe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zimboe [wikipedia.org]

Real-life zombies are probably more subtle

In fact most all of the world has been replaced with Zimboes, and there are very few of us real people left, examples being myself, and Cory Doctorow.

Re:Reason #0 (2, Funny)

Lord_of_the_nerf (895604) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309208)

Thanks. You've ruined Zombie Christmas.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

gandhi_2 (1108023) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309210)

Think about rabies.

Now think what would happen if rabid humans were like rabid dogs.

Weird, raBIES and zomBIES are even spelled alike!

The zompocalypse is just a mutation away.

Re:Reason #0 (4, Informative)

pgmrdlm (1642279) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309350)

There are no zombies?

Constructing the Haitian Zombie: An Anthropological Study Beyond Madness [uci.edu]

Persons identified as zombies are to be found among the inhabitants of Haiti, an impoverished and politically unstable Caribbean country with unique cultural characteristics. Using the lens of the anthropologist, an investigation into Haitian zombiism reveals not only a basis for the bizarre phenomenon of zombiism itself, but also the underlying characteristics of Haitian society that have fostered and it. While zombiism may be fundamentally understood in terms of mental illness, particular theories related to madness are useful in further illuminating the subject, including Sigmund Freud’s signature theses on melancholia, Frantz Fanon’s views on the psychological effects of colonialism, and Emily Martin’s ideas about the performance of mental disorders. The resulting analysis will demonstrate that Haitian zombiism constitutes a cultural construct of madness that thoroughly fits within its post-colonial population, where a bereft people have transformed zombiism into a reality.

PASSAGE OF DARKNESS: THE ETHNOBIOLOGY OF THE HAITIAN ZOMBIE [webster.edu]

Are there really zombies in Haiti? Wade Davis devotes two long sections to this question. He first looks at the popular views and then explores cases where there have been some attempts to carefully and more scientifically determine the status of suspected cases. His key candidate for zombiehood is Clairvius Narcisse. In spring, 1962 Narcisse "died" at the Albert Schweitzer Hospital in Deschapelles, Haiti. His death was verified by the hospital staff. 18 years later Narcisse turned up alive and well, and claimed to be an escaped zombie.

No, I did not read through those articles. I just remember watching an interview with some scientist that researched out the sposid myth. So I knew therw was legitimate research into it.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

Keen Anthony (762006) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309686)

Zombies are real in the Haitian voodoo sense, but we're talking about the classic Romero zombie I assumed, the one upon which most zombie fiction is now based.

Re:Reason #0 (5, Funny)

uvajed_ekil (914487) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309514)

Keep telling yourself that. You'll be sorry one day when you don't run, and a zombie eats your face.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

stonewallred (1465497) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309586)

What you think. When the government cover ups are broken through by dedicated hackers, the facts are clear. There have been over 43 reported outbreaks of zombies in the last 100 years. It is people like you who prevent the truth from being free. The dead will walk again, as they have been for hundreds of years. It is only through the brave efforts of the ZDF that have kept them in check.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

misexistentialist (1537887) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309612)

People involved mass murder are pretty close to zombies. The outbreaks are more localized and there may be an ostensible purpose, but the devotion to killing is both stupid and somewhat contagious. Ideas can be pathological, and a mind can die while the body is still animated.

Re:Reason #0 (1)

Keen Anthony (762006) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309654)

Wait, didn't we visit this subject years ago with a story about dead frozen dogs in Australia being reanimated by having fresh blood pumped into them?

Re:Reason #0 (0)

Dachannien (617929) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309668)

Just because you've never seen one doesn't mean they don't BRAAAAIIIINSSS aaaaauuughghghsplortnomnom

Re:Reason #0 (1)

gmuslera (3436) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309684)

Depend on your definition of zombies. Even yesterday was discussed here [slashdot.org] one of the possible definitions that happen to be real.

One Reason Why (-1, Redundant)

taustin (171655) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308876)

Zombies are made up. Fictional. They're not real.

Get over it.

Re:One Reason Why (5, Funny)

dlawson (209945) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308940)

You wouldn't be saying that if you'd met some of my managers.

Brain dead - check; stumbling through life - check; rampant desire to eat people's brains (or simply recruit them to their own viewpoint) - check.

QED.
davel

This! (2, Informative)

DarkKnightRadick (268025) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308878)

This article is the reason why idle.slashdot.org exists.

Re:This! (4, Informative)

DarkKnightRadick (268025) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308894)

Re:This! (1)

ShadowBlasko (597519) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308906)

I never thought I would see the day that slashdot linked to cracked. Wow.

Re:This! (1)

DarkKnightRadick (268025) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309076)

I didn't even notice what website it was, I was more interested in the article. (:

Re:This! (2, Interesting)

Wonko the Sane (25252) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309730)

I never thought I would see the day that slashdot linked to cracked

At least they didn't do it when the majority of their readers were at work. That site is highly addictive [xkcd.com] and it's likely that no one would have gotten any work done for the rest of the day. Of course, there might be a large chunk of the workforce that goes into work tired tomorrow because they get to sleep late...

Re:This! (4, Funny)

blair1q (305137) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308966)

No, that article is the reason cracked.com exists.

This response is the reason idle.slashdot.org exists.

7. Natural predators can become zombies, too. Then where will your living natural predators be, hmm?

6. Zombies rose from the dead, some years-dead. Making them deader by drying them out isn't going to affect them.

6. Zombies rose from the dead. Dead is even more inert than frozen. Therefore, frozen isn't going to faze them.

5. Biting works for rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, rabid dogs, and yucky girls with cooties. Zombies are onto a business model here.

3. It's not like we're picking a Zombie President early in the cycle. There are zillions of them. Damage to one leaves another undamaged. You can't beat them in reasonable time with iterative solutions.

2. You can run. You can hide. But death comes to us all. And then you'll be the zombie in the place behind the incorrectly designated zombie-proof barrier.

1. Unless you plan to make bullets out of zombie finger bones, you're going to run out of bullets before you run out of zombies. Zillions, man. Zillions.

Yes, there are two rule sixes, and NOOOOOOO...rule four. Clearly not a Python sketch.

Re:This! (1)

DarkKnightRadick (268025) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309108)

Actually, zombies are the recently dead. As in, still have meat that can be animated. And if you think them freezing won't stop them, you have no business on /.

Zombies will win (1)

TiggertheMad (556308) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309280)

The article is dead wrong. The zombies will win when the arise, because while we have brains and guns, they will have zombie Jesus on their side.

Re:This! (0, Troll)

SanityInAnarchy (655584) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309292)

Natural predators can become zombies, too. Then where will your living natural predators be, hmm?

Unless there are suddenly so many zombies that they're overwhelmed, those natural predators have other natural predators.

Making them deader by drying them out isn't going to affect them.... Dead is even more inert than frozen...

Then why should making them deader with a shotgun or a chainsaw affect them?

Biting works for rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, rabid dogs, and yucky girls with cooties...

No, it really doesn't -- RTFA. Biting works for rabid dogs, but it's far from an apocalyptic scenario.

There are zillions of them.

This article is about the beginning, so unless there are "zillions" on day 1...

Damage to one leaves another undamaged.

And if each of those zillions are walking into walls all the time?

You can run. You can hide.

Point isn't whether you can hide, it's whether there can be zillions of zombies wandering around.

Unless you plan to make bullets out of zombie finger bones, you're going to run out of bullets before you run out of zombies.

And baseball bats, grenades, molotov cocktails, nukes?

Re:This! (1)

cgenman (325138) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309502)

8. To survive as a species, each zombie has to kill one person before becoming disabled. A person in an average car should be able to disable a dozen zombies before they succumb to hood damage. The zombie numbers dwindle.

Re:This! (2, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309616)

Unless you're talking about Romero's "Dead world" films. Only a bite will infect a living person, true, but anyone who dies and is not disposed of properly rises again for some reason.

  That's The Night of the Living Dead's whole thing, where the zombies dig their way out of graves, unbitten, to attack the whole world at once. The following chaos and disruption greatly increases their numbers not only through bites, but through any incidental deaths that occur.

  If it's viral, and this is unknown, then living tissue is able to defend against the airborne vector but not the bite vector; or perhaps the bite is some form of poison unrelated to the actual infection, which then proceeds as usual after the person dies from the poisonous bite.

This article's good, but only applies to some zombie scenarios.

No Zombie Outbreaks? (1)

dionyziz (736817) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308904)

God damnit!

#7. They Have Too Many Natural Predators (4, Insightful)

Ocyris (1742966) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308920)

Come on now. Everyone know if you eat zombie flesh you become a zombie. Before you know it we'll be up to our necks in zombie lion, zombie tiger and zombie bears. However, zombie birds will probably be the worst considering the distances they can cover.

Re:#7. They Have Too Many Natural Predators (3, Funny)

jadin (65295) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309418)

Oh my!

So tired (3, Informative)

LordKaT (619540) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308928)

So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet, can you please latch on to something else? Anything? I know whatever it is you latch on to will still get annoying, with 18 year old girls running around pretending to be cute and funny, but just being fucking annoying, but for the love of god, let the Zombie bullshit die.

Re:So tired (5, Funny)

sthomas (132075) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308950)

If they let it die, it might rise again. Like. a. zombie. OMG!!!!!

Re:So tired (1)

oldhack (1037484) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309608)

Yep, that's the problem with zombies. You keep killing them, they keep coming back. Whachagonnado, eh.

Re:So tired (1)

lgw (121541) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308968)

So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet

Interesting list. So zobmie priate Jesus on the Internet isn't your thing, then?

At least it's not Elves.

Re:So tired (1)

confused one (671304) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309064)

So, vampires and werewolves are OK? Or was that not an all inclusive list?

Re:So tired (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309074)

Bring back the vampire lesboes.

Re:So tired (3, Funny)

mhajicek (1582795) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309196)

Zombie Strippers are okay though.

Re:So tired (1)

turbidostato (878842) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309188)

"tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus"

Jesus won't help you here for He is Master or Zombies: He turned Lazarus into a zombie and He Himself was a zombie too (while it took him three days for the conversion).

Re:So tired (1)

SanityInAnarchy (655584) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309308)

Jesus, Internet, can you please latch on to something else?

Like sex, boobs, sex, pics or it didn't happen, sex, really perverted fucked-up shit that should never exist, sex, and lolcats?

The Internet seems to "latch on" to anything and everything. It's an expression of our collective psyches -- so if humans have latched onto anything, anywhere, the Internet has, too.

Re:So tired (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309358)

Zombies can't die. They're undead. ;)

Re:So tired (2, Funny)

Tanman (90298) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309490)

You ask to let it die, but what if it REFUSES to die. Like a zombie!

Re:So tired (1)

uvajed_ekil (914487) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309544)

So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet

Are you tired of the internet, and Jesus, too? You could always avoid the internet for a few hours a day if you are tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, or Jesus. But they will all find you, and probably when you least expect it. Don't forget, not everyone is as wise or experienced as you when it comes to zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, the internet, and Jesus, and more people are discovering these things (I call them the Super Six, and think they should team up) every day.

This doesn't seem very scientific... (5, Insightful)

pedantic bore (740196) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308974)

This person is claiming that zombie outbreaks will fail, but where is the evidence? Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that has actually failed for any of these reasons?

It all seems like blind optimism to me.

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1)

Canadian_Daemon (642176) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309028)

How is it a scientific reason when there is no evidence or statistics to back it up. I hate it when people just tack on the word scientific to an argument.

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1)

Lord_of_the_nerf (895604) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309174)

They used the word scientific and that's adorable, but it's a website that includes videos of 'Why The Planeteers Should Never Get High'.

Let's not expect too much.

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (-1, Redundant)

webheaded (997188) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309566)

Has there ever been a zombie outbreak at all? Kind of hard to get evidence when we're talking about something that has only ever happened in our imaginations.

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1, Insightful)

bar-agent (698856) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309598)

Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that has actually failed for any of these reasons?

Well, that is a good point, but let me turn that question around for a second. Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that succeeded?

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1)

uvajed_ekil (914487) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309600)

Don't forget, we have not studied zombies in any great scientific detail, and we have a poor (at best) understanding of the mechanisms behind zombification and how it spreads. The possible interdimensional implications are intriguing, and are one facet of this phenomena that we still know absolutely nothing about, thus we can not formulate a plan to stop it. This isn't just a virus, folks.

Don't panic.... yet. Have a disaster survival kit, and a plan, and don't forget to include provisions for earthquakes, floods, civil unrest, and a zombie apocalypse.

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1)

hedwards (940851) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309622)

It failed because creating zombies is a lot of work. It's definitely real, and it involves basically poisoning a person and damaging the brain so as to remove most of the thinking part. Basically leaving you with a mindless human to use as a slave. The other problem is that having damaged the brain you're left with something that doesn't really think and is easily out witted by even the dimmest grade school child.

Zombies, Voodoo and Tetrodotoxin: The Truth Behind the Myth [suite101.com]

Re:This doesn't seem very scientific... (1)

DavidD_CA (750156) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309642)

Actually, 100% of all documented zombie outbreaks have failed.

The US (1)

fenring (1582541) | more than 3 years ago | (#33308976)

I, for one, leave it to the US to deal with zombie outbreaks. You, guys have so many weapons stashed up it would be a joke to deal with a couple of zombies. Just get to Europe, will ya?

Re:The US (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33308996)

I hope we nuke Europe from orbit... just to be sure.

Re:The US (1)

Wyatt Earp (1029) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309114)

US Army in Europe will be there with guns. I know the Russians have a ton of guns in stockpiles and even at home.

"According to Russia's gun laws, Russian citizens can buy smoothbore shotguns, such as Saiga 12, gas pistols, or revolvers shooting rubber bullets. Safe use of this arsenal for five years allows purchase of a rifle or carbine. In Moscow alone, some 400,000 people legally keep 470,000 weapons."

So between the US and Russians the EU will be fine right?

Re:The US (1)

Nrrqshrr (1879148) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309218)

My army is stronger than yours.

Re:The US (2, Insightful)

mhajicek (1582795) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309178)

I, for one, leave it to the US to deal with zombie outbreaks. You, guys have so many weapons stashed up it would be a joke to deal with a couple of zombies. Just get to Europe, will ya?

Sure, like how "we" handled Katrina? The BP spill? Wonderful. The first official act would be to round up all the survivors and confiscate their weapons, then leave them in a stadium with no supplies. Then just one infected gets mixed in with the others...

Re:The US (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309648)

Katrina, she is hurricane. No can shoot in brain.

As for BP, well... would not stop LAST spill. Might still work to stop NEXT.

(On a side note... say you're a criminal in a large city after a disaster. You wanna commit some crimes, but lots of your potential victims are armed. What better a way to get the cops to go in and render everyone harmless, than to shoot at some fire fighters? You can even tell who's just been freshly disarmed, on account of all the cops leaving their house with confiscated guns.

Keep THAT in mind when the next big emergency-service-disrupting disaster occurs... now that the test case has been proven, I guarantee we'll see it again...)

Re:The US (1)

Lord_of_the_nerf (895604) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309250)

I hope they don't make it to Australia. What do we have? Unreasonable internet filtering, cheap domestic beer and poisonous animals.

Still if they hit Queensland first, they'll starve.

Moan this with a slight tone of disappointment:

"BRAINS?"

Re:The US (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309478)

Nah. Y'all just need to get to Texas. The gun to person ratio is about 1:2 ;-)

They finally did it, they finally did it... (1)

retech (1228598) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309008)

I've barely grown this to a full blown fantasy and now it's crushed (or its head has been blown off). Why can't I have one deeply warped narcissistic apocalyptic fantasy that is not ruined by science and logic? Damn you science, damn you all to hell!

Re:They finally did it, they finally did it... (1)

mhajicek (1582795) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309312)

Just give it a twist. How's this: The military industrial complex has created nanobots that can live indefinitely in a soldiers blood stream, and which quickly close woulds and repair damage using the body's own resources. If their numbers in the soldiers blood stream are reduced, perhaps by significant bleeding, they will reproduce until the appropriate population density is reached. The work the nanobots do can leave the soldier quite hungry due to the consumption of bodily resources. There are a few drawbacks however. While the nanobots can repair a damaged brain, the information content of the damaged area cannot be recovered. This can lead to various mental difficulties ranging from PTSD to coma and a permanent vegetative state. Coincidentally, the amount of time it takes for a trace infection of nanobots to reproduce in the blood of a corpse and then repair its brain is just long enough for the brain to have decayed to an instinct-only state. Unfortunately, the instinct to feed when hungry is a strong one.

Re:They finally did it, they finally did it... (1)

Manos_Of_Fate (1092793) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309602)

No spoiling the next Michael Crichton novel!

#1 pretty much covers it (2, Insightful)

confused one (671304) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309014)

We got em, they don't. To quote another fictional character, Neo, "Guns, lots of guns"

Re:#1 don't mean jack (1)

TiggertheMad (556308) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309324)

...so explain to me how #1 will solve the problem of say, India. Oh sure, #1 will keep you safe for awhile in the lightly populated, heavily armed western united states, but what about the rest of the world? You got enough bullets to stop the other 6 billion people on the planet?

Re:#1 don't mean jack (1)

confused one (671304) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309578)

they have to get to where I am... and they aren't likely to make it across the oceans.

Re:#1 don't mean jack (1)

swb (14022) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309726)

Most Zombie literature holds that large-scale weapons like bombs, machine guns, artillery and explosive weapons are ineffective. Some take the tack that the outbreak happens so quickly that we don't get use them because the Zombie overwhelm the delivery systems (you can't drop a bomb without a plane; no pilots? no air base? no bombing).

I think this undersells military weapons and how effective they might be.

A gattling-type machine gun or minigun would be devastating in massed crowds -- it'd be like using a firehose. Cluster munitions would also be pretty devastating, as would most conventional high explosives, particularly carpet bombing. Zombies don't hide or dig bunkers.

Fire gets dismissed as "zombies-don't-feel-pain" but I think that discounts how hot napalm could burn (or be made to burn); at some point the flesh will incinerate.

I do agree that among ordinary civilians, ordinary small arms could be ineffective among most people -- poor skills and a reasonable challenge (assuming headshots) for even skilled handgunners, limited ammo, and so on.

First Page Link (2, Funny)

II Xion II (1420223) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309052)

There are two pages to the article. Why you link to the second one instead of the main one is beyond me.

Yes I know people complain about the editors and the like, but is it really that much to ask to link to the main page?

Re:First Page Link (4, Funny)

alvinrod (889928) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309244)

You actually read the f'ing article?

I'd ask if you're new here, but judging from your user ID, you actually are.

At least you're grumbling about the editors so I think you'll fit in okay here.

My reason #0 (2, Funny)

Megahard (1053072) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309078)

They're DEAD. As in no more. Ceased to be. Gone off to meet their maker. Bereft of life. Shuffled off their mortal coils.

Re:My reason #0 (1)

uvajed_ekil (914487) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309692)

They're just resting.

max brooks (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309092)

Read World War Z and the Zombie Survival Guide and you will have some sound (although I'd agree that they're hardly perfect) scientific reasons why zombies might make it.

Re:max brooks (1)

Kinky Bass Junk (880011) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309234)

> Citing fiction for fact

Hurrrrrrrrrrr

Better yet, how about actual "zombies"? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309112)

You know, the things that we know exist and aren't fake and don't have "evil" powers that transcend mortal worlds?
Obviously a fictional zombie outbreak will fail. Old-style fictional zombies are dead, where has the author been for the past decade-plus?

A mutation of several well known parasites could very easily create a very real infectious parasitical disease similar to that of zombies.
All we need is some rage, a dash of EXTREME HUNGER, and a sprinkle of adrenaline, and some transferral method of the parasite.
There you go, a very real and very dangerous outbreak.
They will be able to climb, they will be able to work with doors, and will be able to think, most of the time, if anything, the rage will just make them more determined to rip your neck out in search of delicious meats.
It certainly won't last a long time, it will be quarantined, unlike in 28 days / weeks later, pretty quickly.

The chances of it happening? Very unlikely, mainly due to the transferral part, it would require some very smart mutations, almost shots in the dark, to get to the point where it would become an unexpected event.
We already have the rage-inducing parasites and hunger parasites.
An expected outbreak is more likely, however. And we could well probably make it extinct before it even becomes a threat.

Re:Better yet, how about actual "zombies"? (1)

mhajicek (1582795) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309398)

A mutation of several well known parasites could very easily create a very real infectious parasitical disease similar to that of zombies. All we need is some rage, a dash of EXTREME HUNGER, and a sprinkle of adrenaline, and some transferral method of the parasite. There you go, a very real and very dangerous outbreak.

There are several examples IRL of parasites and fungi that modify the behavior of their hosts to increase contagion. Apply this to humans as a host and there are several potential approaches. I think the aggressive approach may not be the most successful though, as people tend to kill and/or avoid overly aggressive people. A more successful approach may be for the host to experience a desire for companionship, close proximity to others, and physical contact. This would increase probability of contagion without significantly risking the host.

Reason #8 (4, Funny)

PPH (736903) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309238)

Zombies feed on brains. Thanks to our fine educational system, we'll starve them out.

Panicky Idiots (1, Insightful)

esocid (946821) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309256)

History has shown that in most awful situations, people don't always act like the panicky idiots in a horror movie. In cities, people would likely congregate in the upper levels of high-rise buildings, where the invasion can be held at bay with simple security doors.

Ahem. I beg to differ.

Re:Panicky Idiots (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309380)

Yeah, seriously.

A. People are panicky idiots. (Or "dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.", for the MiB fans.)
B. Hiding in the top of a hi-rise with one way in and one way out is the sort of thing a panicky idiot would do. Innumerable Hollywood rooftop chase sequences to the contrary, you'd better have something other than "jump across the street and down five stories" for a plan B exit strategy.

Monte carlo zombie models disagree (1)

gotfork (1395155) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309294)

Some graduate students in my department put together some simple models for zombie apocalypses and the results don't look well for humans: http://thevirtuosi.blogspot.com/2010/07/zombpocalypse.html [blogspot.com]

Brains 4 sale (1)

Lliam33 (1881990) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309326)

The article has two #6s and no #4.

I didn't think editors made mistakes...

Really? (1)

MaxBooger (1877454) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309362)

I know it's idle and all, but really? Linking to Cracked? I just looked at the firehose, and there is some good stuff in there.

Seriously... Cracked?

A Zombie Invasion Is Always Doomed to Failure... (1)

interval1066 (668936) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309406)

...because as soon as they start to animate they are snapped up by Washington DC lobbying firms and sent in to make those sweet deals.

Accepting the fiction as truth.... (1)

eepok (545733) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309434)

Some myths to accept as truth BEFORE considering why a Zombie Outbreak would fail:

(1) Zombies are real
(2) The Zombie infection is viral and spread by getting Zombie fluids (blood, saliva, etc) in another body. It also requires an incubation time.
(3) Zombies need no form of sustenance (food, drink, oxygen, etc)
(4) Zombies eat as an instinct... and it's their only instinct.
(5) They can only be killed by destroying their brains (dealing sufficient damage)
(6) Zombie "blood" is thick and gooey, does not evaporate, and doesn't seem to circulate
(7) Zombies can freeze, but they can also thaw and continue killing
(8) Zombies do not run. They shamble.
(9) Zombies do not have super-human strength, but, when they're seeking food, they only know Full Power and No Power.
(10) Zombies feel no pain
(11) Zombies do not tire or need rest

Ok, so assume all of this to be true. Also, assume that a major zombie infection begins in one metropolitan area and is spread by people who've been bitten leaving the scene and spreading the risk around larger geographic areas. So it starts, people move about, and eventually turn into zombies themselves. People panic and run, taking the wounded with them, instead of fighting back. Then the panic gets serious. People start hoarding food, water, and supplies. People become a bit more frivolous with their fire arms. Innocent people are killed. In-fighting begins. Looting. All the while, zombies are still killing and spreading the virus.

That's the real fear... the breakdown of society. People killing people in a panic while zombies are doing the same.

That's also the fantasy, to be honest. Those who those who romanticize about it seeing the society they despise fail and giving opportunity for a reboot.

Re:Accepting the fiction as truth.... (1)

eepok (545733) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309460)

Doh... forgot:

(12) Zombies don't decay. It has something to do with the gooey blood.

Just be homer simpson and they will pass you over (1)

Joe The Dragon (967727) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309580)

Just be as dumb as homer simpson and they will pass you over

Fucktards (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309590)

Go back to reading your comic books.

Zombies do exist and are hidden everywhere! (1)

Old Flatulent 1 (1692076) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309628)

At least in the world of Windows users.

it's funny how the reasons are contradictory (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309632)

First they make a big deal out of how zombies would have all sorts of natural predators from carnivorous mammals to insects. Then they claim how hard it is for blood borne diseases to transfer ignoring how they just made a great case for how non-humans could be vectors. The high rises that the humans barricade themselves in certainly wouldn't be difficult barriers for zombie rats or zombie mosquitoes.

But that's not as funny as them taking zombie movies so seriously to start with.

Evil Corporations (1)

Carebears (1867786) | more than 3 years ago | (#33309678)

does anyone besides me think how awesome it would be to work for Umbrella?

I don't agree (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#33309720)

Problems with this sunny optimism:

1) "Zombies would get eaten by insects, flies, bacteria, etc."
This doesn't corroborate with any zombie flick I've seen. For the undead-variety zombie, it can be assumed that whatever supernatural force keeps them animated, it also keeps away the worms. For the infection-variety zombie, there's no reason that a zombie would attract insects and such any more than a casually ambling human. The infection-variety may be just as susceptible to micro-organisms as we are, so you might have some attrition due to staph infections, but localized infections aren't going to slow it down.

2) "Zombies can't take heat."
This is just a repeat of the above, only dealing with the normally benign intestinal microbes. There's no reason why an infection-variety zombie would have a problem with this, and a supernatural zombie has a supernatural immune system.

3) "Zombies can't take cold."
Possibly valid for supernatural-style zombies. Alaska will be very well defended in the winter. Zombie outbreaks are really more of a summertime pandemic.

4) "Biting people is a terrible way to spread a disease."
Yes, it is. On the other hand, there are a few elements that make it viable. For starters, what does a normal human normally do after another human bites them? Seek out other people. Without prior knowledge of the disease, it grows exponentially---and the hospitals are one of the first places where an outbreak will start. The guys in biohazard suits don't come until later, if they haven't already been taken out in their normal, here's-some-antibiotics lives.

None of this has anything to do with supernatural-type zombies, anyway.

5) "Pain insensitivity is a bad thing."
If you're a human. If you're a zombie, as long as you can physically move (and bite), then it's A-OK.

6) "The landscape is full of zombie-proof barriers."
Okay, this guy has never seen a zombie movie. Don't you know that when zombies have an obstacle with people on the other side, they can execute complex plans? Or that that door will not hold forever while the undead pound on it? Or that you'll run out of food and have to come out eventually anyway... Zombies are not smart, but they're not completely stupid either---they have object permanence, for one thing, which puts them above a small child. They don't randomly go careening into rivers; there is a certain animal instinct to them.

7) "We have guns."
That you do. The US military has all sorts of nifty weapons, too, that should give them the absolute advantage in any military conflict with a developing nation like Afghanistan, Iraq, or Vietnam....

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