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"Super Monkey" Security Force Used At Commonwealth Games

samzenpus posted about 4 years ago | from the fight-monkeys-with-monkeys dept.

Idle 66

The New Delhi Municipal Council (NDMC) has increased the strength of its monkey security team for the Commonwelath Games. The large langur monkeys are used to scare away smaller, more troublesome primate species from sporting arenas and food stalls. "From tomorrow onwards we will increase the number of langurs from 28 to 38. The additional langurs will take care of the Games venues and other important areas," an NDMC official told the Press Trust of India news agency. Sounds like a good idea until the monkeys learn how to throw barrels.

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Lol (-1, Offtopic)

TrisexualPuppy (976893) | about 4 years ago | (#33735244)

Reply with random GNAA post...

Why not just shoot them? (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735278)

I know, I know - it's mean and cruel...but seriously wouldn't they get the message if some riflemen laid waste to a few those bastards?

Re:Why not just shoot them? (2, Informative)

CRCulver (715279) | about 4 years ago | (#33735754)

Because of their devotion to the monkey god Hanuman, Hindus are unwilling to wipe out the monkey population.It's similar to the continuing presence of cows on busy city streets.

Re:Why not just shoot them? (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33736362)

Bravo! Spoken like a true American. Someone causing some inconvenience? No problem. Just wipe out the entire population. And then wax eloquent about the white man's burden!! Punks.

Re:Why not just shoot them? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33738054)

Bravo! Spoken like a true American.

Well done! Responded to the wrong post like a genuine Indiot.

Re:Why not just shoot them? (1)

somersault (912633) | about 4 years ago | (#33736398)

Now now, just because a woman is ugly and fat doesn't quite justify riflemen. Think of the mess! I propose gas chambers at the local McDonalds.

In other news... (5, Funny)

Dr_Terminus (1222504) | about 4 years ago | (#33735280)

New Dehli increases its security snake force to scare away smaller, more troublesome serpent species. Fifty new pythons have been added to the Serpent Sporting Stall Security Services (SSSSS).

Re:In other news... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735312)

LOL

Re:In other news... (1)

M8e (1008767) | about 4 years ago | (#33736180)

We just upgraded to super snakes, these does some safety work too!

Super Serpent Sporting Stall Special Security/Safety Services (SSSSSSSS)

Re:In other news... (1)

davester666 (731373) | about 4 years ago | (#33744250)

Come on. It's a new Olympic event. Dodge the barrels while climbing the stairs at the entrance of the venue that your real event is in.

Re:In other news... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33737634)

...which resulted in a sudden surge of old-skool Germans looking to attend the games.

Re:In other news... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33740044)

Actually, to combat a snakes, one would probably employ King Cobras [wikipedia.org] , because unlike pythons, they (prefer to) feed on snakes. Well, that or mongoose.

Disappointment (4, Funny)

Sonny Yatsen (603655) | about 4 years ago | (#33735286)

Is anyone else disappointed when they read the article and realized that there aren't any "Super Monkeys", just langur monkeys (which are still cool, because they're still monkeys)? I was hoping for some sort of Monkey Super-Soldier project on the part of the New Delhi Municipal Council.

Re:Disappointment (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735544)

Something like this?

Taliban Training Monkey Terrorists [discovery.com]

Re:Disappointment (2, Insightful)

Anne_Nonymous (313852) | about 4 years ago | (#33735782)

Having been shit upon by a monkey in India, I'd like to point out that "regular", non-super, languid and/or Langur, monkeys are nothing to be trifled with.

Re:Disappointment (4, Funny)

feepness (543479) | about 4 years ago | (#33736638)

Quit your complaining. We got shit on by a monkey for eight years here in the US.

Re:Disappointment (0, Redundant)

operagost (62405) | about 4 years ago | (#33738048)

Yeah! Things are so much better now! The economy is booming, we shut down Gitmo, we're out of Afghanistan, and the President has totally eliminated the influence of special interests in the federal government! But does anyone know what this brown, smelly stuff is?

Re:Disappointment (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33738500)

But does anyone know what this brown, smelly stuff is?

That's the First Family to you

Re:Disappointment (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33744038)

"But does anyone know what this brown, smelly stuff is?"

The President & his family.

Re:Disappointment (1, Insightful)

rubycodez (864176) | about 4 years ago | (#33738558)

and then they replaced the pale shitter monkey with a taller darker one.

Ricky Gervais (1)

Rik Sweeney (471717) | about 4 years ago | (#33735302)

Jesus, I can see this appearing on Ricky Gervais' Monkey News podcast next year...

Re:Ricky Gervais (1)

Threni (635302) | about 4 years ago | (#33740362)

It would certainly be a lot funnier than anything that greasy fat fuck would ever come up with.

Throwing Barrels (1)

Benosaurus (1100067) | about 4 years ago | (#33735304)

If they do learn to throw barrels at least we know the solution to that problem: hire some Italian plumbers.

Obama's picture as monkey? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735314)

Did anyone try to add it in facebook share and notice that Obama's picture shows as the image placeholder lol

There was an old lady who... (1)

karstdiver (541054) | about 4 years ago | (#33735336)

swallowed a fly. Just wondering what scares away large langur monkeys?

LargeR langur monkeys (1)

SmallFurryCreature (593017) | about 4 years ago | (#33735390)

We got the technology. The bankers got our money, we shoot the bankers and then we CAN do it! We can make a 6 million dollar Langur Monkey!

Who is with me gentlemen?

Re:There was an old lady who... (1)

Locke2005 (849178) | about 4 years ago | (#33735734)

That's the beauty of the scheme; when the winter comes, the langur monkeys all freeze to death... unless they can figure out some way to get inside the buildings...

``Security?'' What? (1)

Kaz Kylheku (1484) | about 4 years ago | (#33735392)

Defending against monkeys using other monkeys is not security. It's animal control; i.e. safety.

Security means separating authorized humans from unauthorized humans.

Could the monkey distinguish a human being who is authorized to be somewhere from one who is not?

Could it verify someone's identity, validate an ID badge, look up a name in a list of names, check tickets, etc?

If not, that monkey is not a security officer in any reasonable sense of the word.

Re:``Security?'' What? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735460)

Security means separating authorized humans from unauthorized humans.

Orly? O.o

Re:``Security?'' What? (3, Funny)

God'sDuck (837829) | about 4 years ago | (#33735514)

Could the monkey distinguish a human being who is authorized to be somewhere from one who is not?

More importantly, could a monkey insure that all of a human being's gels are in a quart-sized plastic bag?

Re:``Security?'' What? (1)

magarity (164372) | about 4 years ago | (#33735610)

Defending against monkeys using other monkeys is not security
 
Dude, rtfa... the deputy mayor was assassinated by a monkey gang not long ago. If that doesn't call for security, nothing does!

Re:``Security?'' What? (1)

john83 (923470) | about 4 years ago | (#33735790)

Except in American airports.

Re:``Security?'' What? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33739296)

its like asking mozlum TSA worker to scan a fellow moslum lolll

Re:``Security?'' What? (1)

geekoid (135745) | about 4 years ago | (#33735792)

False. What you describe is some specific tasks that can be party of some security measures.

Animal control is a type of security. Securing people from the dangerous animals, for one.

Separating people from a danger is also a form of security.

I suggest you find some sort of massively connected networks and use some sort of engine to search to for the definition of security.

Re:``Security?'' What? (4, Funny)

couchslug (175151) | about 4 years ago | (#33735972)

"If not, that monkey is not a security officer in any reasonable sense of the word."

The TSA uniform sure fooled me!

Re:``Security?'' What? (1)

howlatthemoon (718490) | about 4 years ago | (#33737500)

Isn't it just a matter of scale? Monkey security agents just have it easier. Authorized monkeys, only the monkey security agents and humans, of course. Unauthorized monkeys all other monkeys. Think of human security agents as secondary screening.

Re:``Security?'' What? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33737982)

I bet you're a lot of fun at parties.

SRMTHG (1)

Liger_XT5 (1055672) | about 4 years ago | (#33735454)

super robot monkey team hyperforce go...
I can hear them chanting it from the far future :S

Re:SRMTHG (1)

jemtallon (1125407) | about 4 years ago | (#33736724)

Define "far"

Re:SRMTHG (1)

Liger_XT5 (1055672) | about 4 years ago | (#33738790)

I say 50 years far, but who says the military and Gov's don't say it's 10.

The ingenuity of this plan? (1)

GodfatherofSoul (174979) | about 4 years ago | (#33735468)

When winter rolls around, they all freeze to death

Advanced Tactical Training (1)

mnagy (854980) | about 4 years ago | (#33735470)

Are they trained to make vehicle stops using the Banana In The Tail Pipe Trick?

Re:Advanced Tactical Training (1)

SailorSpork (1080153) | about 4 years ago | (#33736298)

No, but they have been issued large blue turtle shells.

monkey uprising (4, Insightful)

slshwtw (1903272) | about 4 years ago | (#33735480)

The article ends suddenly with "In 2007, the deputy mayor of New Delhi died from a fall after being attacked by a group on the terrace of his home." I had to make the assumption (and then track down the article) that it meant "a group of monkeys" [bbc.co.uk] .

I love how their solution to the monkeys is "to train bands of larger, more ferocious monkeys". WHATCOULDPOSSIBLYGOWRONG?

Re:monkey uprising (2, Funny)

krnpimpsta (906084) | about 4 years ago | (#33736014)

I love how their solution to the monkeys is "to train bands of larger, more ferocious monkeys". WHATCOULDPOSSIBLYGOWRONG?

Well, eventually they will escalate from stronger monkeys to gorillas. And that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Re:monkey uprising (1)

infinite9 (319274) | about 4 years ago | (#33736464)

It's ok. The larger monkeys will freeze to death when winter arrives.

Re:monkey uprising (1)

Sulphur (1548251) | about 4 years ago | (#33739722)

It's ok. The larger monkeys will freeze to death when winter arrives.

Unless they find a hot spring like their Ninja cousins.

--

Forget primitive, go primative.

Re:monkey uprising (0, Troll)

Threni (635302) | about 4 years ago | (#33741092)

It's certainly an improvement on the fucking monkey they've had working on the stadia and hotels:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1314976/COMMONWEALTH-GAMES-2010-Child-labourers-pictured-working-construction-sites.html [dailymail.co.uk]

come on guys - it starts next week! Think you'll be ready? Don't give me that fucking wobbly head bullshit - I want a straight answer - yes or no? No, I'm not going to bribe you. No, I don't want to hear about 'different standards of health and cleanliness in the west'. You need to provide hotels with the basics like running water, floors and beds free from dog shit etc.

Re:monkey uprising (1)

junglee_iitk (651040) | about 4 years ago | (#33743066)

What could go wrong is that some misinformed slashdotter might ridicule them.

They have been used to scare away monkeys since hundred of years, but may be they were planning for commonwealth games all along!

Barrels? (1)

bernywork (57298) | about 4 years ago | (#33735494)

Fuck them throwing barrels, let's give the pricks shots, tie a flag to their back put them in the shot put and and see if we can get a medal out of them....

Helper monkeys (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735590)

Were these monkeys also on the organising committee? It would explain a lot.

Oblig. (1)

UninformedCoward (1738488) | about 4 years ago | (#33735692)

Skinner: Well, I was wrong; the lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Re:Oblig. (1)

Cwix (1671282) | about 4 years ago | (#33736430)

Wouldnt a cold blooded animal like a lizard or a snake freeze to death before a warm blooded one like a gorilla?

Re:Oblig. (1)

UninformedCoward (1738488) | about 4 years ago | (#33737396)

Some reptiles hibernate during the winter (Diamondback Rattlesnakes) while only 1 primate (Female Fat-tailed Dwarf Lemur) hibernates. If we are talking about temperate zones, I would think a reptile has a better chance of surviving a winter. Although, I guess it would depend on the actual species of Gorilla and/or reptile.

That's how it starts (1)

geekoid (135745) | about 4 years ago | (#33735704)

Monkey doing simple tasks. then the plague comes that kills all the dogs and cats. Then epople get monkeyies as pets, then train them to be servants, then they rise up with one Word:
"NO!"

How is this better? (1)

Sedated2000 (1716470) | about 4 years ago | (#33735858)

I'd prefer not to have monkeys throwing poop while I'm getting tasty treats from concessions.

Two words: FRICKIN MONKEYS (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33735876)

I want those goddamn monkeys off my property or you guys are out of there!

(ref Sifl and Olly, for the under-30s...)

Badges? (1)

golodh (893453) | about 4 years ago | (#33735922)

Will those enforcement monkeys be wearing badges? Or do they just work for peanuts?

[reading from the sacred scrolls of the apes] (1)

jtollefson (1675120) | about 4 years ago | (#33736224)

Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death. Truly this is the beginning of the end... Damn Dirty Apes

Yikes... (1)

northernfrights (1653323) | about 4 years ago | (#33736294)

Forget about the story. Next time could we please be warned that we're about to click on a link to the Temple of Doom?

Plus (1)

ThatsNotPudding (1045640) | about 4 years ago | (#33736610)

they'll take care of the Needle Snakes!

Proper attire (1)

bobdotorg (598873) | about 4 years ago | (#33736614)

Woot! capes.

Especially if they're flying, screaming guard monkeys.

Not MS? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33736818)

On reading this I thought that this was a deal secured by Steve Ballmer for MS.

The moral of this story... (1)

bellers (254327) | about 4 years ago | (#33739638)

The moral of this story is that even if you live in India, your job can always be outsourced to a barely-trained monkey.

In sand to our butts (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 4 years ago | (#33749800)

MY GOD! Didn't these people WATCH planet of the apes?!!

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