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160 comments

Dirty Mouth? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193438)

Clean it up with Orbit!

yeah, while they may not actually brush your teeth, there are already gum brands on the market that do help protect your teeth.

Oblig. Futurama reference (1)

plover (150551) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193528)

If the army is handing it out, is it ham-flavored?

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (3, Insightful)

camperdave (969942) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193636)

Actually, I'd love ham flavoured gum. Why is it that sweet toothed people get all the calorie free snacks? What about those of us who like savoury/salty snacks? All we get is potato chips and pretzels. It's all carbs. So how about it? How about some ham flavoured gum, or taco flavoured candies, or pizza flavoured lollipops?

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193666)

Why don't you just chew on a piece of ham?

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (1)

Redlazer (786403) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193738)

Hey man, no need to get all mean.

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (1)

OrangeTide (124937) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194232)

Pickles are low calorie and very salty.

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (1)

Jarik C-Bol (894741) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194898)

yeah, but do you really want to go down the street sucking on a big huge pickle?

Re:Oblig. Willy Wonka reference (1)

Scarletdown (886459) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194418)

If that sort of gum becomes a reality, be sure to spit it out before you get to the dessert, unless you fancy inflating like a giant blueberry.

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193800)

If the army is handing it out, is it ham-flavored?

Judging by the Military's approach to field rations so far, I'm guessing it tastes like fermented cardboard, and has at least a 50/50 chance of causing constipation.

Re:Oblig. Futurama reference (1)

asm2750 (1124425) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193892)

Will it be nothing but bones? Was war were declared?

Let's hope these go international (3, Insightful)

nikomo (1338131) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193440)

As a proud xylitol-chewing Finn, this would really help.

Re:Let's hope these go international (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194982)

That was my reaction, too. US Army invents Xylitol, story at eleven. Wow, sometimes I really wish that I worked for these guys. Talk about easy money.

Sugarless gum??!? (3, Informative)

BWJones (18351) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193442)

Hey, I thought thats what sugarless gum has been used for..... years now? Wonder what this development cost the military/US govt?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (0, Flamebait)

Cathoderoytube (1088737) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193458)

Read the article idiot.

"The report also explains that US Army researchers developed a protein that attacks the bacteria that causes plaque, which can lead to gum disease. This protein can easily be incorporated into the gum, making it a serious alternative to toothbrush and toothpaste, the researchers claim. "

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (4, Funny)

Jah-Wren Ryel (80510) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193578)

"The report also explains that US Army researchers developed a protein that attacks the bacteria that causes plaque, which can lead to gum disease. This protein can easily be incorporated into the gum, making it a serious alternative to toothbrush and toothpaste, the researchers claim. "

Lets hope ingesting the protein doesn't have any harmful side-effects, like priapism.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

ColdWetDog (752185) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193880)

Lets hope ingesting the protein doesn't have any harmful side-effects, like priapism.

OK, do go on. How do you get from dental plaque to priapism? Now, I realize that Viagra's main selling point fell out as a side effect of a high blood pressure medication. But that all makes sense - erections are controlled in part by blood flow and pressure.

I'm having a bit of a problem working out any plausible mechanism between bacteria hanging out in your gums and a chronic boner.

Maybe it's just me...

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

Jah-Wren Ryel (80510) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194242)

Dude, I said "like."
At first I was thinking birth defects, but I wanted to keep it light.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194320)

Dude, I like totally said "like.", dude!

ftfy

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194650)

Yes, it is just you, looking too far in to things trying to find a reason to argue over a useless point.
HE WAS LINKING A MAN-MADE SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM TO A NEW MAN-MADE SOLUTION.

Jesus, you remind me of Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle, most pretentious "intelligent" kid ever.
Yeah, mark me as troll, i don't even care. Anything to get through to bonehead above me.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

elewton (1743958) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194826)

Your glaring pearl whites may introduce priaprisms of envy?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (2, Interesting)

Jarik C-Bol (894741) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194922)

actually, if you look at the side effects of a lot of the drugs on the market, and consider how freakishly unrelated many of side effects are to the actual problem being treated, a dental hygiene product causing Priapism does not seem that outlandish at all.
That, and to the parent: thanks, you nearly made me spew chocolate milk on my computer. well played.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (5, Informative)

ultranova (717540) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193586)

Read the article idiot.

I guess the researchers forgot to read the Wikipedia article on Xylitol Jenkki [wikipedia.org] first.

"The report also explains that US Army researchers developed a protein that attacks the bacteria that causes plaque, which can lead to gum disease. This protein can easily be incorporated into the gum, making it a serious alternative to toothbrush and toothpaste, the researchers claim. "

Seriously, this has been invented over 35 years ago (in 1975). And to add insult to injury, the word "Jenkki" is derived from "Yankee" and means an American in Finnish.

Or is the problem that Xylitol is patent-free while this new molecule might not be? You can't charge $10 per piece for a nonproprietary gum...

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193686)

Or is the problem that Xylitol is patent-free while this new molecule might not be? You can't charge $10 per piece for a nonproprietary gum...

Your right.. the military loves to do stuff like that. Dont forget to pay you 15 dollar monthly subscription service for the gps satelite. Ohh wait.. you can access them for free? Hmm alright dont forget to pay your coast guard AAA fee when you go on your fishing trip. Ohh wait, if you break down out there they will come and get you for free? Hmm or perhaps we can stop the gratuitous government bashing. There is no reason to suspect that the government is gonna charge you 10 dollars a piece for tooth brushing gum.

Protein flavoured gum? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194712)

Perhaps we now can get the Yankee flavour to Jenkki? That spearmint starts to taste like wood...

I'd be happy with bloody sea bird flavour too.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

Trailer Trash (60756) | more than 3 years ago | (#34195074)

You can't charge $10 per piece for a nonproprietary gum...

Yeah, that'd be like charging $900 for a toilet seat. Who would pay that?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (5, Informative)

BWJones (18351) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193672)

Ah, I just love it when the self aggrandized call others idiot on the Internet, especially when they can do it from behind relative anonymity.

As .... I .... said ... I thought that is what sugarless gum nee Xylitol has been used for years. Xylitol for the laymen out there inhibits bacteria, specifically mutans streptococci, one of the predominant bacteria involved in tooth decay.

I know a little something about proteins and chemistry as I had to take years of coursework in chemistry and biochemistry to get the Ph.D., so please... tone down the arrogance a bit, O.K.? It makes Slashdot a much more pleasant place.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (-1, Flamebait)

northstarlarry (587987) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193724)

You might want to take a refresher course, doctor. Xylitol isn't a protein.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (3, Informative)

BWJones (18351) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193758)

Who said it was?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193744)

You never said Xylitol, and he was right you probably didnt read the article, you just decided to post. And lets see those Ph. D's if you don't mind. Whats that, you don't think you have to show some random person on the internet your degrees that you claim to have? I thought so. Next time you post, why don't you tone down the arrogance a bit, O.K.?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194154)

I know a little something about proteins and chemistry as I had to take years of coursework in chemistry and biochemistry to get the Ph.D.

Years of coursework to get a Ph.D.? Ha, yer such a loser... It took me just a few minutes and $50 to buy mine off the internet.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194118)

My understanding is that there IS already a protein that attacks plaque - it's part of our saliva !
Chewing helps produce saliva which in turn destroys oral bacterias - hence the efficacy of "sugarless" gum.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194430)

"The report also explains that US Army researchers developed a protein that attacks the bacteria that causes plaque, which can lead to gum disease."

Yeah, xylitol has been doing that for decades: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chewing_gum#Effects_on_health

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

ObsessiveMathsFreak (773371) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194670)

Super-plaque bacteria, here we come.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

KiloByte (825081) | more than 3 years ago | (#34195068)

Super-plaque bacteria, here we come.

Anti-bacterial agents are only a very minor part of the toothpaste. It's mostly about detergents helping mechanically removing bacteria and rotting organic matter.

There's little evolution can do to let a bacteria resist getting physically yanked off the surface of teeth if it wants to be able to feed on the remnants of your meals. With merely killing germs, survivors can not only reproduce again but they even have some food readily available.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

BradleyUffner (103496) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193792)

Hey, I thought thats what sugarless gum has been used for..... years now? Wonder what this development cost the military/US govt?

Maybe it works, you know, better than sugarless gum?

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

BWJones (18351) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193834)

I'd love to see the dose-response curves for their protein fragment, KSL vs. something like Xylitol. If it works better, great. If not, Xylitol is cheap and it works.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

badboy_tw2002 (524611) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193852)

Odds are it doesn't. I find most things are worse than what we already have, and if those bonehead scientists took 5 seconds to ask someone they'd know that. That's my world view of course, as all I know is only going by what I read on /.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

imakemusic (1164993) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194848)

all I know is only going by what I read on /.

No wonder you're so cheerfully optimistic.

Re:Sugarless gum??!? (1)

delinear (991444) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194572)

I thought we already had this stuff over here (UK) for at least a few years. I know everywhere I go, cinemas, supermarkets, train stations etc. I see vending machines with teeth cleaning gum, although I will admit I've never been curious enough to investigate exactly what it is or how it works (the machines are usually in the men's room, and call me picky but I prefer not to buy gum I'm going to put in my mouth from a machine in a room that stinks of urine).

Nothing new... (3, Informative)

Lord Kano (13027) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193446)

All kinds of military developments have filtered out to the civilian market.

Antiperspirant/deodorant. GPS. Radar. Microwave communication.

It's just how some things develop.

LK

Re:Nothing new... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193576)

You are correct, this is nothing new, considering the article is dated: By Simon Pitman, 21-Dec-2005.

Re:Nothing new... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193606)

Yeah, what the fuck is this, Slashdot editors... how did this get past the firehose?

Re:Nothing new... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193720)

Yeah, what the fuck is this, Slashdot editors... how did this get past the firehose?

You answered your own question there.

Re:Nothing new... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193722)

i wonder how my tax dollars will be used to make this product so some fucking corporation can be given the patent and make billions they don't pay taxes on.

Re:Nothing new... (1)

purpledinoz (573045) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194008)

Microwave Oven! How would I make Kraft Dinner without it...

Re:Nothing new... (1)

93 Escort Wagon (326346) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194168)

All kinds of military developments have filtered out to the civilian market.

Antiperspirant/deodorant. GPS. Radar. Microwave communication.

And hopefully, that first item will eventually filter out even to the Slashdot market!

Re:Nothing new... (1)

wvmarle (1070040) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194176)

Don't forget guns.

Re:Nothing new... (4, Funny)

imakemusic (1164993) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194862)

Yes. They were originally designed for killing people but were later found to have a wide range of household uses.

Re:Nothing new... (1)

KiloByte (825081) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194934)

Considering that quite a few robberies include bastards invading a house when the occupants are in, yes, guns do have an important household use.
And an even more important dark alley use.

Really, really not news (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193450)

Your typical MRE has contained two little green squares of grainy gum, with this stated purpose, for years and years.

Works, too.

This amazing new invention (1, Funny)

tmosley (996283) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193462)

Amazing, they invented a gum that acts like gum!

It freshens your breath and whitens your teeth!

AMAZING!

The Army's New Motto (1, Funny)

kenrblan (1388237) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193468)

"We came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and we're all out of gum." Duke Nukem would be proud.

Original attribution (5, Informative)

KingSkippus (799657) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193524)

Every time I see that quote attributed to Duke Nukem, I bristle. The original quote came from a 1988 movie called They Live [imdb.com] , starring wrestler "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and Keith David. I actually paid good money to go see that at a theater!

I guess Duke Nukem made the phrase famous, but still, it was blatantly stolen. The exact quote is:

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

In the movie, Roddy had just burst into a bank with shotguns looking to kill him some aliens. When he delivered the line, I thought I was going to die laughing, it was so over-the-top. Anyone who likes Duke Nukem should see the movie at some point to enjoy the original source of the quote in all of its glory.

Re:Original attribution (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193622)

I'm glad you posted. Now I don't feel so pathetic anymore, because I loved that movie, just for that line!

Re:Original attribution (2, Informative)

jones_supa (887896) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193652)

Here's an YouTube clip [youtube.com] of the scene.

Re:Original attribution (2, Informative)

Trogre (513942) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194062)

Agreed 100%. They Live and the Evil Dead series are required watching for all fans of Duke Nukem.

Re:The Army's New Motto (1)

Seraphim_72 (622457) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193534)

FFS - at least get the *REAL* ref right - They Live [wikipedia.org]

Re:The Army's New Motto (1)

Hognoxious (631665) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193688)

--
Slashdot, where arm chair scientists get shouted down and arm chair theologians get modded up.

The English speaking world, where armchair is one word.

Re:The Army's New Motto (1)

jamesh (87723) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194196)

And in peacetime, "We came to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and we're all out of ass".

Dental sealants a better option? (1)

whiteboy86 (1930018) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193476)

..to prevent teeth related issues altogether.

It's a laxative! (2, Interesting)

sockman (133264) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193510)

We always had a good rumor that the "gum" in the MRE's was a laxative. I wonder what rumor will pop up about this gum.

Re:It's a laxative! (2, Informative)

insertwackynamehere (891357) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194204)

If it contains xylitol, then it IS a laxative (as a side effect)

Re:It's a laxative! (1)

L4t3r4lu5 (1216702) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194986)

Xylitol has a laxation threshold of 50g / day.

At 0.5kcal per Smint pastille, and 9 calories per 5gm of pure Xylitol, we can back-of-a-napkin calculate you'd need to consume approximately 180 Smint pastilles in one day to see these effects, assuming that all of the calorific content of a Smint is pure Xylitol.

If you need to consume that many mints per day, you should see a dentist pretty sharpish. Something in there is rotting, and needs removing.

I Read That as "Gun" For A Second There (4, Funny)

Greyfox (87712) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193520)

A tooth cleaning gun would be way more cool, and would probably strike a lot more fear in the hearts of our enemies. God knows if I had a choice between a sit down with a military dentist and being waterboarded, I'd take the waterboarding as the more humane alternative (I'm an Air Force brat and the worst pain I've experienced in my 40 years of life so far was at the hands of an Air Force Dentist when I was 11 or 12.)

I echo that. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193568)

When one contemplates going to a military dentist, one also seriously considers using some shotgun mouthwash.

Re:I Read That as "Gun" For A Second There (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194128)

I think there should be a new label in slashdot : Serious or seriously.

Me too had the biggest pain in his live when I was 11 years old and from the hands of a dentist. I tried to be a "man" but the pain was so big that I had strong spasms.

I learn to clean my teeth from there after through, just to make sure I never experience that again.

Your official guide to the Jigaboo Presidency (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193554)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Your official guide to the Jigaboo Presidency (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193558)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service!

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Your official guide to the Jigaboo Presidency (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193566)

Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service!!

INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER.
You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.

CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER
Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat

HOUSING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers. You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.

FEEDING YOUR NIGGER.
Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc. Experienced nigger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his niggers as a result. You should never allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.

MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK.
Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.

ENTERTAINING YOUR NIGGER.
Your nigger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nigger works best. Games niggers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nigger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other niggers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nigger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nigger: niggers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nigger.

Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and niggers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other niggers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nigger dragging: Tie your nigger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nigger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nigger, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nigger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nigger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Niggers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nigger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nigger, as they are highly toxic.

DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS.
Niggers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.

COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS - MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?

MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.

WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).

MY NIGGER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.

MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".

MY NIGGER ACTS LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!

IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.

MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?

SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Re:Your official guide to the Jigaboo Presidency (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194182)

White Supremacist how to: Government edition.
Step one: Enable inbreeding, isolated mountain regions ideal.
Step two: Enable free speech.
Step three: ????
Step four: Profit.

Dentyne is a lie!? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193574)

That explains a lot, actually

Kinda the point (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193584)

This was the original point of chewing gum, which was based upon the Mayan habit of chewing zapote gum for dental health.

i wonder whats so different (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193600)

trident has been making claims of positive effects on teeth for years..

Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (5, Insightful)

Rexdude (747457) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193608)

Why is a nearly 5 year old article making news just now?

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (1)

microbee (682094) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193734)

I guess the /. submission backlog is really as bad as the Immigration and Neutralization services

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (1)

ocdscouter (1922930) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193752)

It involves a dilation incident, for which I have discovered a truly marvelous proof which the margins of this comment are too narrow to contain.

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (4, Funny)

rabiddeity (941737) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193810)

Indeed, this story is a bit long in the tooth.

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193950)

Why is a nearly 5 year old article making news just now?

Lag.

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (1)

purpledinoz (573045) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194016)

Bodily hygiene news is just not so important here...

Re:Article dated 21st Dec 2005? (1)

L4t3r4lu5 (1216702) | more than 3 years ago | (#34195002)

Indeed. it'd be like posting an article on a new form of contraceptive.

You don't need one when you only ever fly solo.

I can save them a billion dollars (1)

outsider007 (115534) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193702)

squeeze a line of colgate onto the basin and let it sit overnight. In the morning... gum.

Robots don't have teeth... (1)

VortexCortex (1117377) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193714)

How exactly is this going to help our future robot armies?

Seriously, gum? It's only a matter of time before humans won't need to die on battlefields; Let's work harder on making this a reality and focus less on long term foot-soldier tech. The soldiers of the future won't need teeth cleaning gum because they'll be safe at home, remote controlling robotic drones -- toothpaste only yards away.

Re:Robots don't have teeth... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194144)

Humans are still much cheaper, even in the long run. Cheap and easy to raise, cloning would be more economical than expensive robots.

I'm not ready for that though, this gum is a great step forward.

Re:Robots don't have teeth... (1)

delinear (991444) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194614)

Considering you'd still have to grow, feed and educate, train and equip them, I'm not sure cloning would be all that cheap when you can just recruit ready grown troops on the open market and elminate all costs other than the training and equipment (and this nicely side-steps the ethical questions around cloning).

Re:Robots don't have teeth... (2, Funny)

jamesh (87723) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194220)

safe at home, remote controlling robotic drones -- toothpaste only yards away.

a job that they'll then outsource to a country where they don't have to pay their 'soldiers' so much. In order to keep productivity up, some real soldiers will be required to stand guard with great big whips. Those soldiers will need gum - no time to brush your teeth when there's whipping to be done!

We've had this for a long time (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193804)

In Finland, almost all gums are based on xylitol, and are said to be beneficial to your teeth. I haven't seen it in the states, when I've visited. Quote from wiki: "Early studies from Finland in the 1970s found that a group chewing sucrose gum had 2.92 decayed, missing, or filled (dmf) teeth compared to 1.04 in the group chewing xylitol gums". Not only that, but they taste a LOT better than the normal gums.

Re:We've had this for a long time (1)

insertwackynamehere (891357) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194210)

Almost all our chewing gum has xylitol these days (or some sugar alcohol or something like xylitol).

Bubble gum is different, but chewing gum (like "adult" gum) is all marketed as being good for teeth and stuff

Drop ship these to England (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34193912)

Maybe the 'ext generation aught have teeth, guv'nor.

Crooked teeth (2, Funny)

Noam.of.Doom (934040) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193966)

There is also the fact that frequently chewing gives you crooked teeth. I wonder if they started developing a battlefield alternative for braces.

Re:Crooked teeth (3, Insightful)

jamesh (87723) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194246)

There is also the fact that frequently chewing gives you crooked teeth.

No it doesn't. In fact research has shown that chewing gum actually straightens your teeth, correctly aligns your jaw, assists in building upper body muscle strength, improves learning and memory function in the brain, and can increase the size of your penis and duration of your erections by up to 58%.

(you didn't provide a source for your 'fact' so I don't see why I should)

Re:Crooked teeth (1)

Noam.of.Doom (934040) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194386)

That joke went right over you head.

hygiene issues IS news for nerds (3, Funny)

G3ckoG33k (647276) | more than 3 years ago | (#34193968)

When they help deal with some of the hygiene issues, it IS news for nerds; stuff that matters!!!

Really? No link checking at ALL? (2, Funny)

CyberTech (141565) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194004)

US army develops tooth-cleaning gum
By Simon Pitman, 21-Dec-2005

-=- 2005-=- Maybe it's been stuck in the queue this whole time?

Re:Really? No link checking at ALL? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 3 years ago | (#34194382)

Or it's now available to the public...

Hygenine (1)

Arancaytar (966377) | more than 3 years ago | (#34194132)

Is that some kind of organic molecule? What's its formula?

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