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Smell Like An Orc

samzenpus posted about 3 years ago | from the smells-like-demeaned-spirit dept.

Role Playing (Games) 90

You may have no trouble smelling like an orc after 12 straight hours of raiding, but if you do, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is here for you. The company has come out with a line of RPG inspired perfumes. Choose from: Dwarf, Elf, Half-elf, Hafling, Orc, Cleric, Fighter, or Mage and people will not only see that you're a geek, they'll smell it too.

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Ahh, the scent of an MMO player (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908748)

MMO players have an intoxicating aroma of BO, old milk, and urine.

Orc? (1)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908756)

Smell like Steve Ballmer? No thanks.

Err, no. Ballmer is no Orc. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908868)

You're probably thinking of Overgrown Monkey, although I think primates as a whole may be insulted by the very hint of association.

Re:Orc? (1)

glitch! (57276) | about 3 years ago | (#35913008)

Do you really want to smell like an orc? Okay. DMSO. The amount may vary per person, but start with one or two teaspoons per day. Increase the dose if nobody complains after a few days. At first, people might wonder, "Did someone open a can of oysters?" And if you keep at it, I guarantee that you WILL smell like rotting garbage.

Please note that while you are helping your health, you are creating a very real risk of losing whatever relationships you may have, if you make this more than a short-term experiment. The smell really IS that bad.

Always the same... (1)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908808)

Cheetos and Mountain Dew. It's what Orcs smell like. It's what Elves smell like. It's the aroma eternal, the olfactory cloak that keeps watch over all gaming tables.

Fart like a troll (1)

scharkalvin (72228) | about 3 years ago | (#35908812)


Ah, yes. (was:Fart like a troll) (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908882)

Wait till they discover fire... (see The Curse of Fatal Death)

Re:Fart like a troll (1)

antdude (79039) | about 3 years ago | (#35910698)

How is a troll fart smell different compared to humans and others? :P

Actual scents (5, Funny)

russotto (537200) | about 3 years ago | (#35908820)

Dwarf: Smells strongly of BO, smoke, and earth
Elf: Smells of BO poorly covered with essential oils
Half-Elf: More BO, less essential oils.
Halfling: BO, but at half strength, with a hint of bacon and eggs.
Orc: 8 times the BO standard, plus the stench of rotten breath.
Cleric: BO covered with incense
Fighter: BO, double strength
Mage: Smells like Brylcreme. Mages can make BO disappear but are clearly at a loss as to what to do with their hair.

Re:Actual scents (1)

HTH NE1 (675604) | about 3 years ago | (#35908880)

Pusling: How do you tell if you've used enough deodorant?
The Drifter: You grab an Orc and shove its head into your armpit. If it passes out, it's time for another coat.

Re:Actual scents (4, Funny)

Provocateur (133110) | about 3 years ago | (#35908914)

I wouldn't want to visit those factories that make them. Tho 'tis rumored, that the fumes emanating from their smokestacks are so strong, that the females in the vicinity tend to shed off their clothes, and their inhibitions, and for the weaker of the species, their control, as they lunge at the nearest male, with intent to mate with wanton abandon...

Re:Actual scents (1)

clem (5683) | about 3 years ago | (#35912022)

It just makes sense that orcs would smell of Axe body spray.

Re:Actual scents (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35913266)

In a modern setting they would use 'Mace'.

Re:Actual scents (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908974)

What's "BO" ?

Re:Actual scents (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35909038)

Odeur de Bodie

Re:Actual scents (1)

Miseph (979059) | about 3 years ago | (#35910516)

Put your nose near your armpit and inhale deeply through it.

That unpleasant stench you smell? BO.

Re:Actual scents (1)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35909522)

  • DWARF Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather.
  • ELF Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.
  • HALF-ELF White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.
  • HALFLING Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs.
  • ORC Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver.


  • CLERIC Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca flower, Peru balsam, cistus, palisander, cananga, hyssop, and narcissus absolute.
  • FIGHTER Leather, musk, blood, and steel.
  • MAGE All mystique and thrumming power: gurjum balsam, Sumatran dragon's blood resin, olibanum, galangal, oleo gum resin, and frankincense.
  • PALADIN Immaculate white musk, sweet frankincense, bourbon vanilla, white leather, and shining armor.
  • RANGER Untamed wilderness: buckskin accord with Terebinth pine, Russian birch, black ironwood, elder bark, hay, armoise, juniper, patchouli, galangal root, Spanish moss, and cabreuva.
  • ROGUE Soft, well-worn black leather, hemp, and rosin.


  • NEUTRAL A flawless skin musk.
  • LAWFUL Rigid oak, blue chamomile, rhubarb, and fig leaf.
  • CHAOTIC A whirling mélange of multicolored musks with wasabi, rooibos, heliotrope, and mastic.
  • GOOD Shimmering celestial musk with vanilla, white honey, acacia, and sugar cane.
  • EVIL Smouldering opium tar, tobacco absolute, green tea, black plum, kush, ambergris accord, ambrette seed, and costus root.

http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/rpg.html [blackphoen...emylab.com]

Re:Actual scents (1)

Dahamma (304068) | about 3 years ago | (#35910396)

The Ranger smells like patchouli? I knew it, damn treehugger hippie.

Re:Actual scents (1)

X0563511 (793323) | about 3 years ago | (#35911334)

Why does a rogue smell like an instrument case?

Re:Actual scents (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35911482)

Because he moonlights as a bard so people don't go thinking he's a sneaky, no-good, back-stabbin', murderin' cutpurse.

Re:Actual scents (1)

ikeman32 (1333971) | about 3 years ago | (#35913182)

You forgot the -4 modifier to intelligence when haggling for the price. There is also the Constitution check at -3 or pass out for 1d4 rounds due to being overcome by the stench. In all of the games of AD&D I have play and DM'd not a single player has ever stated that their character is going to bath.

Eau d' Geek (2)

Rational (1990) | about 3 years ago | (#35908860)

people will not only see that you're a geek, they'll smell it too.

Chances are they already do.

Re:Eau d' Geek (1)

Hultis (1969080) | about 3 years ago | (#35909132)

This. Anyone who's ever been at a LAN party knows that a geek doesn't need some fancy pants perfume to smell like a geek.

Re:Eau d' Geek (2)

VolciMaster (821873) | about 3 years ago | (#35909562)

This. Anyone who's ever been at a LAN party knows that a geek doesn't need some fancy pants perfume to smell like a geek.

if you're putting it on your pants, you're doing it wrong

I think this sounds fun honestly (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908874)

Why should douchey gym rats and coke fiends have all the fun when it comes to smelling different? I don't wanna buy a sports-inspired bottle with a Eurotrash name, but I see nothing wrong with alternative smells.

portman and grits (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35908884)

Practically speaking, is there any other scent worth considering?

Re:portman and grits (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35909328)

Your mama's pussy... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm smells great

buh (5, Informative)

heptapod (243146) | about 3 years ago | (#35908906)

http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/rpg.html [blackphoen...emylab.com]

Link to the actual site rather than BoingBoing.

Damn it, I went there to buy stuff, but... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35909472)

I thought that the idea sounded fun. Hell, the odors themselves might or might not be good but I've got some money to spend and a lot of geek friends... I know those sound like good and fun presents, even if they end up being used only once. So, I went there to buy and... "This vendor ships to US addresses only" DAMMIT, USA customs laws! It's bad enough that I can't buy the caffeinated products (such as blood and potion energy drinks) from thinkgeek but this, too? (Mind you, I can order other products, so it's not a logistics problem)

What is it with your country? Why in hell can't you accept my money?

Re:Damn it, I went there to buy stuff, but... (1)

heptapod (243146) | about 3 years ago | (#35911142)

Make friends with American (we're not all bad)
Have them order it for you to their address
Ship it to your country

Not that hard, mate.

Something new at least (1)

mustPushCart (1871520) | about 3 years ago | (#35908910)

Countless stories have been written about these races, all of them slightly rehashed with a few small combinations changed but largely the races characteristics and their appearance have largely remained unchanged in all the media they have been portrayed in. Here at last is something new about these overused boiler plate races.

The smell of each of them is something new, will our mental image of them change after smelling them?

Re:Something new at least (1)

SuricouRaven (1897204) | about 3 years ago | (#35910224)

Other mythological types have not been so lucky. Witness the total emasculation of vampires in a certain recent series of novels, for example.

Related? (2)

SnarfQuest (469614) | about 3 years ago | (#35908912)

Is thois story related to the previous one "using the International Space Station as a testbed for a human mission to Mars?" Is that where they determined what anorc should smell like?

The orc your man can smell like! (5, Funny)

The-Bobmeister (969131) | about 3 years ago | (#35909054)

Hello ladies...
Take a look at your man, hunched over the computer monitor,
Now back at me.
Now back you man, who's been playing WoW for two days straight.
Sadly, he isn't me - and will likely never live my envious lifestyle or even own a horse,
But since he's already a hardcore gamer, he may as well smell the part too...

Re:The orc your man can smell like! (1)

Dunbal (464142) | about 3 years ago | (#35909358)

I wonder how you managed to type your post without being hunched over a computer monitor. Also fail troll, there are no women on slashdot - much less in a slashdot thread that has the word "orc" in it. You might get some federal agents though.

Re:The orc your man can smell like! (2)

Labcoat Samurai (1517479) | about 3 years ago | (#35909642)

It's a parody of the Old Spice ads. I think it would have been better if he had made himself out to be an orc version of the Old Spice guy rather than the regular Old Spice guy. Maybe could change "I'm on a horse" to "I'm on a dire wolf" as a WoW reference. Oh well, missed opportunity :)

Re:The orc your man can smell like! (1)

X0563511 (793323) | about 3 years ago | (#35911366)


Fuck WoW, orcs "ride" worgs.

Re:The orc your man can smell like! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35911938)

Fail at Tolkien. It's "Warg".

Re:The orc your man can smell like! (1)

X0563511 (793323) | about 3 years ago | (#35912292)

Every bit of reading I've ever done that wasn't Tolkien (that mentioned them of course) spelled it "worg" - I'm going to go with the popular spelling.

Smell like a monster (1)

DragonHawk (21256) | about 3 years ago | (#35910462)

"Sadly, he isn't me - and will likely never live my envious lifestyle or even own a horse..."


Good grief (1)

93 Escort Wagon (326346) | about 3 years ago | (#35909074)

You know, you try to convince people you're just like everyone else, that the stereotypes about geeks aren't true, that you really do know how to talk to girls... Then a story like this one gets out.

Re:Good grief (1)

X0563511 (793323) | about 3 years ago | (#35911386)

... and what is so odd about the scent of "worn leather, hemp, and rosin"? Take a look. These are hardly bad scents.

The above description is Rogue. Those are good smells, and taken together would smell much like an old leather jacket, riding gear, or perhaps an instrument case. Not "yuck" at all.

Inconsistency (1)

WaroDaBeast (1211048) | about 3 years ago | (#35909322)

What about half-orcs? Wait, what about trolls? No, wait... what about gnomes?

Besides, classes are mixed with races. A half-elf can be a fighter, a cleric or a mage. That list doesn't make sense to me.

Ouuchhhh!!!! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35909324)

$17.50 for 5 ml...You gotta be kiddin' me!!!!

Re:Ouuchhhh!!!! (1)

retchdog (1319261) | about 3 years ago | (#35909586)

it's a perfume oil, not perfume. you can either apply it sparingly or dilute it with alcohol yourself at, say, 1:15 to 1:30-ish, so it's about equivalent to 100mL of the stuff at the drugstore.

also, perfume is a luxury good commanding luxury prices; this line in particular is catering to a very limited market...

Less popular than the ZX Spectrum (1)

Dogtanian (588974) | about 3 years ago | (#35909508)

I was sitting at some distance from the screen when I read that headline, and I genuinely thought it said "Smell Like an Oric [wikipedia.org] ".

I thought some enterprising British company had created some weird-ass fragrance that smelled like retro computer plastic or something. Not entirely unlike this [basenotes.net] or these guys [demeterfragrance.com] (*)

Smell like an Orc? Not so much. I thought that (a) your stereotype geek was already pretty competent at that, and (b) it wasn't something that would normally be considered desirable. :-)

(*) Disclaimer; the idea is interesting, but I should warn you that the company's own online shop had some absolutely stinking (ahem) reviews for its poor service according to a website I read a few years back. Might have changed since, I don't know.

Re:Less popular than the ZX Spectrum (1)

mattack2 (1165421) | about 3 years ago | (#35909862)

As opposed to smelling like Orac. (OK, I guess that probably smells the same as an Oric.)

Masters of war (1)

Walt Dismal (534799) | about 3 years ago | (#35909608)

Gamers, take a lesson from the French, who cannot be conquered because they have two ultimate weapons. Their armpits, and garlic.

Not that hard (1)

kjs3 (601225) | about 3 years ago | (#35909692)

Lemme guess...fill the bottle with butyric acid, top of with some random aromatic oil...profit!

Smell like a... (WoW edition) (2, Funny)

Caerdwyn (829058) | about 3 years ago | (#35911152)

You can do this yourself! You don't need a perfume factory! Smell like a...

Tauren: Worchestershire sauce
Forsaken: "biology experiment" in the 8-month-old milk carton
Gnome: Fukashina (BOO! BOO! TOO SOON!)
Blood Elf: Hairspray. More hairspray. More hairspray than that. Gnarly.
Murloc: Yesterday's sushi
Night Elf: lavender and rose buds, such a horrible scent they be
Worgen: wet dog
Draenei: wet goat
Goblin: newly-minted roll of quarters
Dwarf: sacramental whisky, splashed behind the ears
Troll: ganja! I mean, oregano
Human: plain nonfat unflavored watered down yogurt
Blizz GM: capacitor electrolyte

Axe me (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35911816)

Or you could just use Axe instead. Much cheaper and easier to get.

Eastern european orcs small like that w/o perfume (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35913578)

In Hungary the gipsy (roma) minority are commonly called orcs, because they are primitive, violent, murderous, too lazy to work and destroy all remnants of culture around them. They smell like spoiled lard and their homes are like pig pens. They shit in the garden or the street, because they are too lazy to dig a pit for an outhouse.

Gipsy are extremely degenerated descendants of the ancient sanskrit aryan warrior tribes, but they were forcibly expelled from northern India circa 1000AD, when the area came under muslim rule. (Gipsy kept stealing even when their hands got severed under sharia law, so muslim merchants could not have peace of mind for the mandatory daily 5 prayers.) Ousted gipsy then travelled into eastern and central Europe by way of decepion and fraud, areas where they are traditionally called tzigane (german shorthand for the phrase "wandering thief").

Hungary has about 800k-1mio gipsies and Romania has above 2.2 million. They are a menace, have minimum 6 children per mother, with huge prevalence of in-breeding so their average IQ is 70-. Italy is expelling illegally immigrated eastern european roma thiefs and fake beggars by the thousands. Large areas of northern Hungary and south-eastern Slovakia are now under gipsy gang rule, who make a sport of murdering elderly white people in robberies and polices dares not to approach them. The pre-WW2 gendarmee that kept gipsy at bay with bayonet rifles and summary shot law no longer exists and jewish-financed libertine parties explicitly encourage a gipsy lifestyle of living off social benefits fraud and criminality.

Gipsy women often beat their belly while pregnant with a wooden block so the baby will be born mentally handicapped and they get extra social benefits from the state. These kids grow up to be beggar pickpockets or violent criminals because their minds are little more than zombie. Slovaks are now forcibly castrating the multiple times convicted gipsy criminals with chemical injection, to prevent the fast-multiplicating orc ethnic from thaking over their country.

In the USA there was a wave of gipsy criminality at the end of 1980s: gipsy posed as political refugees from communist Romania and Hungary, gained entry and specialized in extremely simplistic fraud/theft methods, targeting the most senile elderly people. The FBI then up-rooted them and shipped them back to democratic Romania after 1990. Israel has only 500 gipsy orcs now, even though they accepted over 10k of them from concentration camps after WWII. Gipsy kept stealing and murdering, so the zionists sent them to jail so much, the gipsy eventually left for lands where violent crime and petty theft is better tolerated, like the Arabs.

All in all, you don't need MMORGS to meet a true-to-life orc in real life!

Came here for the Gaelic, leaving disappointed... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 3 years ago | (#35917190)

I was sniffing for free samples of bacon cologne [fargginay.com] , after the Gaelic word"orc" [wikipedia.org] . :-(

RAID (1)

Meskarune (988797) | more than 2 years ago | (#35938494)

These people probably have all the Dwarves, Elves, Haflings, Orcs, etc locked up so their smells can be captured. We should save them.
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