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A Conversation with Rob Malda - Part Three; the Finale (Video)

Roblimo posted more than 2 years ago | from the all-good-things-must-end-sooner-or-later dept.


Part Two ran last Thursday. Part One ran last Wednesday. This is all a lead-up to Slashdot's Quinceañera, or 15th Birthday, this October. (Cue music: Fatboy Slim's Slash Dot Dash.) In this final part of The Conversation with Rob Malda, he talks a bit about what he's working on at The Washington Post, and leaves us waiting with bated breath for more information about projects he's not allowed to tell us about. Yet. So obviously, we'll want to get back with CmdrTaco before too long for an update. Meanwhile, please get ready for the Slashdot 15th Anniversary Celebration, which is sure to be at least as glorious as you would expect from Slashdot.

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The original interview (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985457)

Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda is a 36-year old white male with a stocky build and a goatee. He responded to my ad to be interviewed for this article wearing only leather pants, leather boots and a leather vest. I could see that both of his nipples were pierced with large-gauge silver rings.

Questioner: I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to prove to me that you're a nullo. Just so that my readers will know that this isn't a fake.

CmdrTaco: Sure, no problem. (stands and unbuckles pants and drops them to his ankles, revealing a smooth, shaven crotch with only a thin scar to show where his genitals once were).

Q: Thank you. That's a remarkable sight.

(laughs and pulls pants back up). Most people think so.

Q: What made you decide to become a nullo?

(pauses). Well, it really wasn't entirely my decision.

Q: Excuse me?

The idea wasn't mine. It was my lover's idea.

Q: Please explain what you mean.

Okay, it's a long story. You have to understand my relationship with Hemos before you'll know what happened.

Q: We have plenty of time. Please go on.

Both of us were into the leather lifestyle when we met through a personal ad. Hemos's ad was very specific: he was looking for someone to completely dominate and modify to his pleasure. In other word, a slave.

The ad intrigued me. I had been in a number of B&D scenes and also some S&M, but I found them unsatisfying because they were all temporary. After the fun was over, everybody went on with life as usual.

I was looking for a complete life change. I wanted to meet someone who would be part of my life forever. Someone who would control me and change me at his whim.

Q: In other words, you're a true masochist.

Oh yes, no doubt about that. I've always been totally passive in my sexual relationships.

Anyway, we met and there was instant chemistry. Hemos is about my age and is a complete loser. Our personalities meshed totally. He's very dominant.

I went back to his place after drinks and had the best sex of my life. That's when I knew I was going to be with Hemos for a long, long time.

Q: What sort of things did you two do?

It was very heavy right away. He restrained me and whipped me for quite awhile. He put clamps on my nipples and a ball gag in my mouth. And he hung a ball bag on my sack with some very heavy weights. That bag really bounced around when Hemos fucked me from behind.

Q: Ouch.

(laughs) Yeah, no kidding. At first I didn't think I could take the pain, but Hemos worked me through it and after awhile I was flying. I was sorry when it was over.

Hemos enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he talked about what kind of a commitment I'd have to make if I wanted to stay with him.

Q: What did he say exactly?

Well, besides agreeing to be his slave in every way, I'd have to be ready to be modified. To have my body modified.

Q: Did he explain what he meant by that?

Not specifically, but I got the general idea. I guessed that something like castration might be part of it.

Q: How did that make you feel?

(laughs) I think it would make any guy a little hesitant.

Q: But it didn't stop you from agreeing to Hemos's terms?

No it didn't. I was totally hooked on this man. I knew that I was willing to pay any price to be with him.

Anyway, a few days later I moved in with Hemos. He gave me the rules right away: I'd have to be naked at all times while we were indoors, except for a leather dog collar that I could never take off. I had to keep my balls shaved. And I had to wear a butt plug except when I needed to take a shit or when we were having sex.

I had to sleep on the floor next to his bed. I ate all my food on the floor, too.

The next day he took me to a piercing parlor where he had my nipples done, and a Prince Albert put into the head of my cock.

Q: Heavy stuff.

Yeah, and it got heavier. He used me as a toilet, pissing in my mouth. I had to lick his asshole clean after he took a shit, too. It was all part of a process to break down any sense of individuality I had. After awhile, I wouldn't hesitate to do anything he asked.

Q: Did the sex get rougher?

Oh God, yeah. He started fisting me every time we had sex. But he really started concentrating on my cock and balls, working them over for hours at a time.

He put pins into the head of my cock and into my sack. He attached clothespins up and down my cock and around my sack. The pain was pretty bad. He had to gag me to keep me from screaming.

Q: When did the idea of nullification come up?

Well, it wasn't nullification at first. He started talking about how I needed to make a greater commitment to him, to do something to show that I was dedicated to him for life.

When I asked him what he meant, he said that he wanted to take my balls.

Q: How did you respond?

Not very well at first. I told him that I liked being a man and didn't want to become a eunuch. But he kept at me, and wore me down. He reminded me that I agreed to be modified according to his wishes, and this is what he wanted for me. Anything less would show that I wasn't really committed to the relationship. And besides, I was a total bottom and didn't really need my balls.

It took about a week before I agreed to be castrated. But I wasn't happy about it, believe me.

Q: How did he castrate you?

Hemos had a friend, Zonk, who was into the eunuch scene. One night he came over with his bag of toys, and Hemos told me that this was it. I was gonna lose my nuts then and there.

Q: Did you think of resisting?

I did for a minute, but deep down I knew there was no way. I just didn't want to lose Hemos. I'd rather lose my balls.

Zonk restrained me on the living room floor while Hemos videotaped us. He used an elastrator to put a band around my sack.

Q: That must have really hurt.

Hell yeah. It's liked getting kicked in the balls over and over again. I screamed for him to cut the band off, but he just kept on going, putting more bands on me. I had four bands around my sack when he finished.

I was rolling around on the floor screaming, while Hemos just videotaped me. Eventually, my sack got numb and the pain subsided. I looked between my legs and could see my sack was a dark purple. I knew my balls were dying inside.

Hemos and his friend left the room and turned out the light. I lay there for hours, crying because I was turning into a eunuch and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Q: What happened then?

Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion. Then the light switched on and I could see Hemos's friend kneeling between my legs, touching my sack. I heard him tell Hemos that my balls were dead.

Q: How did Hemos react?

Very pleased. He bent down and felt around my sack. He said that it felt cold.

Zonk told me that I needed to keep the bands on. He said that eventually my balls and sack would dry up and fall off. I just nodded. What else could I do at that point?

Q: Did it happen just like Zonk said?

Yeah, a week or so later my package just fell off. Hemos put it in a jar of alcohol to preserve it. It's on the table next to his bed.

Q: How did things go after that?

Hemos was really loving to me. He kept saying how proud he was of me, how grateful that I had made the commitment to him. He even let me sleep in his bed.

Q: What about the sex?

We waited awhile after my castration, and then took it easy until I was completely healed. At first I was able to get hard, but as the weeks went by my erections began to disappear.

That pleased Hemos. He liked fucking me and feeling my limp cock. It made his dominance over me even greater.

Q: When did he start talking about making you a nullo?

A couple of months after he took my nuts. Our sex had gotten to be just as rough as before the castration. He really got off on torturing my cock. Then he started saying stuff like, "Why do you even need this anymore?"

That freaked me out. I always thought that he might someday take my balls, but I never imagined that he'd go all the way. I told him that I wanted to keep my dick.

Q: How did he react to that?

At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Hemos said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.

But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.

Q: So how did he get you to agree?

He didn't. He took it against my will.

Q: How did that happen?

We were having sex in the basement, and I was tied up and bent over this wooden bench as he fucked me. Then I heard the doorbell ring. Hemos answered it, and he brought this guy into the room.

At first I couldn't see anything because of the way I was tied. But then I felt these hands lift me up and put me on my back. And I could see it was Zonk, the guy who took my nuts.

Q: How did you react?

I started screaming and crying, but the guy just gagged me. The two of them dragged me to the other side of the room where they tied me spread eagled on the floor.

Zonk snaked a catheter up my dick, and gave me a shot to numb my crotch. I was grateful for that, at least. I remember how bad it hurt to lose my balls.

Q: What was Hemos doing at this time?

He was kneeling next to me talking quietly. He said I'd be happy that they were doing this. That it would make our relationship better. That kind of calmed me down. I thought, "Well, maybe it won't be so bad."

Q: How long did the penectomy take?

It took awhile. Some of the penis is inside the body, so he had to dig inside to get all of it. There was a lot of stitching up and stuff. He put my cock in the same jar with my balls. You can even see the Prince Albert sticking out of the head.

Then they made me a new pisshole. It's between my asshole and where my sack used to be. So now I have to squat to piss.

Q: What has life been like since you were nullified?

After I got over the surgery and my anger, things got better. When I healed up, I began to like my smooth look. Hemos brought friends over and they all admired it, saying how pretty I looked. It made me feel good that Hemos was proud of me.

Q: Do you have any sexual feeling anymore?

Yes, my prostate still responds when Hemos fucks me or uses the buttplug. And my nipples are quite sensitive. If Hemos plays with them while fucking me, I have a kind of orgasm. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely an orgasm.

Sometimes Hemos says he's gonna have my prostate and nipples removed, but he's just kidding around. He's happy with what he's done to me.

Q: So are you glad Hemos had you nullified?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm glad. If I could, I'd like to have my cock and balls back. But I know that I'm a nullo forever. So I'm making the best of it.

Hemos and I are very happy. I know that he'll take care of me and we'll be together always. I guess losing my manhood was worth it to make that happen for us.

Re:The original interview (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985585)

And this is the "new normal" that people are fighting for. Sexual liberation and marriage freedom at its best.

Re:The original interview (1)

Dunbal (464142) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985713)

The fact that you use liberation and marriage in the same sentence is confusing.


Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40988517)

I can't believe you dug this interview up. I'd completely forgotten about this one. Wonder how Ol'Rob's doing these days.

Secret projects? (1)

crazyjj (2598719) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985491)

I bet it's a moonbase. It's a moonbase, isn't it?

Re:Secret projects? (1)

dkleinsc (563838) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985673)

Actually, it's a shark with a frikken' laser attached to its head.

Re:Secret projects? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985727)

Naw, he's just trying to hack the Curiosity rover.

Super Sweet Sixteen (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985541)

Rumour has it that for Slashdot's Super Sweet Sixteen next year GNAA will reunite and shower Natalie Portman in grits -- delivered, of course, via a series of tubes.

What an example of internet culture (4, Insightful)

Opportunist (166417) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985549)

I think this illustrates better than most other news how the internet, and the people's interest in the internet, is tied to ideas, to sites, to content and not to people.

In other words, yes, I like Slashdot, but why the heck should I care what he does at WashPost?

Re:What an example of internet culture (1)

cpu6502 (1960974) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985719)

This is the same reason I don't watch "Biography" on television. I really don't care about life stories unless it's a top 50 success like Gates or Jobs or Tramiel or Bushnell or Miyamoto. Someone who created a news blog, even if it's a major one like Huffington Post, is just someone who got lucky.

Re:What an example of internet culture (1)

jhoegl (638955) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985805)

Not that I am against your not viewing every moron out there with a camera, your logic is flawed. Everyone is lucky to the point of their condition and how they got there, that includes the people you listed. Watching their life story will not change your life story unless you make it happen and are "lucky".

Re:What an example of internet culture (0)

cpu6502 (1960974) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986063)

>>>Watching their life story will not change your life story unless you make it happen and are "lucky".

Well I'm pretty satisfied where I'm at: In a nice cool office where I don't do any real work except type. Even though it's boring I get to listen to books or music or news all day long, so it's more like entertainment then work. And get paid almost ten times minimum wage to do it.

Re:What an example of internet culture (2)

itsmilesdavis (985700) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986385)

Wow, great!

So, you are not only a dick but overpaid and worthless! Congratulations!

Re:What an example of internet culture (1)

jhoegl (638955) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986443)

That job title is called an "editor".

Re:What an example of internet culture (1)

cpu6502 (1960974) | more than 2 years ago | (#40992819)

Only half the time when I'm documenting. The other half the job title is called "programmer"

Re:What an example of internet culture (1)

QuietLagoon (813062) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986197)

In other words, yes, I like Slashdot, but why the heck should I care what he does at WashPost?


What Slashdotters REALLY want to know... (1, Redundant)

Frosty Piss (770223) | more than 2 years ago | (#40988455)

What Slashdotter's REALLY want to know is HOW BIG IS MALDA'S PENIS, and how often he plays Whack-A-Mole with it?

* When he shoots his load, what is his volume?
* Does he use a gym sock to clean up, or custom embroidered lace hankies?
* Does he wank to EMO Boy porn or Blond Twink porn?
* Which parks deos he like to wank in?
* Has his mother ever caught him wanking in her basement?

Seriously, these are the questions most Slasgdotters want to know about...

Re:What Slashdotters REALLY want to know... (1)

Opportunist (166417) | more than 2 years ago | (#40996371)

Really? Wow, I must be getting old, I'm so out of the loop and out of touch with the young people...

Glorious? (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985551) glorious as you would expect from Slashdot.

That's quite the bold statement. I assume this means the celebration will lack Unicode and IPv6 support.

Re:Glorious? (3, Insightful)

Jeng (926980) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985645)

What I would expect is a story submission stating that it is Slashdot's 15 anniversary and to post your favorite memories about the last 15 years on Slashdot.

Something nice and simple like that.

Re:Glorious? (1)

crazyjj (2598719) | more than 2 years ago | (#40987037)

I'll never forget the first time I got modded into oblivion for posting a pro-Microsoft, anti-global warming post that also criticized FOSS and Richard Stallman....

Yes, I am being sarcastic for the idiot mods (1)

Desler (1608317) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985647)

will lack Unicode

Quit yer bitchin' and fix it yourself, idiot. It's not like Unicode is some old and important standard or anything.

Give it up allready! (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985599)

After every single commenter (all 30 of them) ridiculed the last two videos, why are you trying again? You can't make yourself cool and popular, ever. Accept it.

Re:Give it up allready! (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985629)

His mom says he's cool.

Re:Give it up allready! (1)

Jeng (926980) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985675)

Did Slashdot look at FarkTV and say to themselves "We can do worse." and then actually attempt to do worse?

Who's Rob Malda? (And where's the text edition?) (2, Informative)

xxxJonBoyxxx (565205) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985751)

Just when you thought SlashDot video couldn't get any worse.

Editors, who's Rob Malda? Where's the transcript for those of us who don't have time to watch talking heads? Did he say or do anything interesting in "parts 1 or 2", or are those just for the Rob Malda collectors/fans?

Re:Who's Rob Malda? (And where's the text edition? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985779)

If you collect all three videos, you get a free Slushie at 7-11.

Re:Who's Rob Malda? (And where's the text edition? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985799)

" are those just for the Rob Malda collectors/fans?"


Wow, did you ever just make my day!

RIP Rob Malda (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40985791)

RIP, Mr. Malda. Timely article. You will be missed.

damn you flashdot (2)

Cyko_01 (1092499) | more than 2 years ago | (#40985813)

I can't watch this video on my android device

Nobody gives a shit. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40986103)

Malda is irrelevant, and working for the washington post (which is also fast becoming irrelevant) isn't post worthy.

15th Anniversary Celebration? (-1)

Red4man (1347635) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986263)

Great. Wonder what you guys will break for that. Half the fun of visiting slashdot is to see "What did they completely fuck up today?"

Of courrse, half as fun is reading the comments to see who's dick the slashbot collective is sucking.

You know, I've been here a while..and it's time for a coup de gras.

Go Fuck Yourself, San Diego. You too, Slashbots!

Some fun fact for slashbots:

Barack Obama is a stuttering clusterfuck of a miserable failure. Natalie Portman isn't that attractive, she has no tits and the body of a 10 year old boy. Oh, wait, that's why you like her. Got it.

Cowboy Neal has his own zip code. When he sits around his house, he really sits around his house. The shoe shiners love him, because they know they don't actually have to shine his shoes, and that he has to take their word for it. Cowboy Neal hasn't seen his own penis without the help of a mirror since 3rd grade.

Samzenpus is a portmanteau of "Sam's a Pussy" which he ironically wishes he had... along with the body of a 10 year old boy so the slashbots would find him attractive.

Good bye, Slashdot. Goodbye, useless virgin slashbots. May all your parent's basements flood so you have to go out into the real world.

LOVE AND KISSES (but not really)


Re:15th Anniversary Celebration? (-1, Troll)

Red4man (1347635) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986365)

The fact that this comment got an "Overrated" mod - which won't come up for metamod - is proof that slashbots are repressed homosexual cowards.

Re:15th Anniversary Celebration? (-1, Troll)

Red4man (1347635) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986453)

To whoever modded the above parent -1, Troll: THAT A WAY, SON!

Maybe someday you'll hit puberty and your balls will descend!

Re:15th Anniversary Celebration? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#41104033)

u had to wait that long for your nuts? no wonder your so insecure with your sexuality.

Quinceañera? (1)

fm6 (162816) | more than 2 years ago | (#40986777)

Does this mean that we all have to dress up [] ?

good post (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40986793)

what Michelle implied I cant belieeve that some one able to earn $5760 in 1 month on the internet. did you look at this web link

Wow, doesn't look stereotypically nerdy. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40987479)

Wow, I'm surprised he doesn't look totally stereotypically nerdy (aside from the glasse).
In fact, he looks quite handsome in a way. Didn't expect that.

(Semi-OT, I know, but there's not going to be much content in the comments anyway)

Fixing the basics would be nice (2)

smooth wombat (796938) | more than 2 years ago | (#40987905)

If they're working on "secret" projects, I'm presuming this means the issue with not saving ones preferences for viewing comments will never get resolved.

For the record, I have set myself to view at 1 or above, yet everyday I see comments below this threshold.

Such a simple thing, saving ones preferences, and that can't be done right. I can only imagine what these "secret" projects will be.

Then again, this is what happens when you let programmers design your application and web designers design your site.

Who is... (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 2 years ago | (#40988083)

...Rob Malda?

Without a transcript, I don't care (1)

Hillgiant (916436) | more than 2 years ago | (#40988279)

Scratch that. Even with a transcript I don't care.

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