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How To Steal a Space Shuttle

Soulskill posted about 2 years ago | from the discovering-an-enterprising-endeavor dept.

Space 130

An anonymous reader tips a piece by Jason Torchinsky at Jalopnik, who attended the California Science Center's press conference about moving Space Shuttle Endeavour through Los Angeles to its final resting place. While he was there, he noticed that security for the event was focused less on the shuttle than on keeping the city itself safe. So, after a helpful LAPD officer suggested it would be impossible for a supervillain to make off with OV-105, Torchinsky went ahead and made a plan to do just that. All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.

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Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (5, Funny)

stillnotelf (1476907) | about 2 years ago | (#41561739)

Surely they wouldn't follow him into space, and it's kind of a supervillian thing to do!

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (4, Funny)

forkazoo (138186) | about 2 years ago | (#41561817)

Then you need to steal launch infrastructure which would be even less practical than stealing teh space shuttle. Indeed, if you can steal that, then you can probably just build your own space ships.

That said, I live in LA. Ahat's the return policy on heavy lift helicopters? Can I get them from Amazon?

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562725)

Who needs a launch platform when you have a perfectly good runway and 'borrow' some extra boosters? If my time on Kerbal has tought me anything, it is that one can never have enough boosters.

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (1)

daremonai (859175) | about 2 years ago | (#41562883)

[W]hat's the return policy on heavy lift helicopters?

Dude, they're helicopters. Just fly them back when you're done.

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41563127)

I live in LA

I don't believe you. Evidence below:

..which would be even less practical...

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (3, Insightful)

LifesABeach (234436) | about 2 years ago | (#41563337)

No. No, no, no, no. Why return anything? Name one super villan that returned an ocean liner. Super Villians leave their discarded toys all over the crime scene.



"Anybody can kick a sleeping Tiger in the rear. But they had better have a plan for the claws, and teeth." - T.Clancy

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (3, Informative)

K. S. Kyosuke (729550) | about 2 years ago | (#41563165)

Then you need to steal launch infrastructure which would be even less practical than stealing teh space shuttle.

Actually, that part is pretty easy. Just cut off the State of Florida at the place where the neck is at its narrowest, and quickly sail away.

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (1)

alexander_686 (957440) | about 2 years ago | (#41563315)

Nah, you don’t need your own launch facility. Just file off the serial number and have Switzerland issue a fake title. Then you can use NASA’s facilities with a straight face.

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (1)

sycodon (149926) | about 2 years ago | (#41562815)

No...all he has to do is work wit the gangs in the surrounding neighborhoods.

Open the gate to give them access and the Shuttle will be completely dismantled in a matter of hours. Of course he'll have to pay the going rate for stolen merchandise.

Re:Maybe it would be easier to just re-launch it? (1)

ravenknight (1844930) | about 2 years ago | (#41562819)

It can't go into space again -- it's been gutted from the inside out.

So we're posting speculative FICTION now? (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561751)

Shouldn't this be in the "book reviews" section of Slashdot instead of "science"?

Re:So we're posting speculative FICTION now? (1)

maxwell demon (590494) | about 2 years ago | (#41561959)

Also, this is not about space. The only connection to space is that the object that would be stolen has previously been in space, and possibly would be able to go there again.

Re:So we're posting speculative FICTION now? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562195)

Surely this submission deserves to be nowhere other than the "idle" section.

High danger of being labeled a terrorist act (3, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561757)

Haven't people learned? In this day and age, even joking about stealing/damaging US gov't property can be considered an act of terrorism.

Re:High danger of being labeled a terrorist act (2)

NatasRevol (731260) | about 2 years ago | (#41562099)

Doesn't mean it's not funny!

Oh, is that all? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561765)

All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.

Oh yeah, no problem, that space shuttle is going to be up and gone.

Re:Oh, is that all? (1)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561857)

Dont forget the obligatory Bond antagonistic music in the background.

Re:Oh, is that all? (3, Funny)

Thud457 (234763) | about 2 years ago | (#41562619)

Meanwhile some feller with the ludicrously unlikely name of Elon Musk is building ICBMs right in plain sight.

Re:Oh, is that all? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561897)

Pft, I have all of that sitting in my back yard.
Including Switzerland.

What? It's a big yard!

Re:Oh, is that all? (1)

Cryacin (657549) | about 2 years ago | (#41562909)

No thanks. Leave Switzerland out of your business proposal. We want nothing to do with you.

Ernst Schmidt

Re:Oh, is that all? (1)

xevioso (598654) | about 2 years ago | (#41562021)

Don't forget...

(holding pinkie to mouth)
One MILLION dollars...

Re:Oh, is that all? (4, Insightful)

poity (465672) | about 2 years ago | (#41562147)

1. Acquire Buran
2. Call off plan since you already have a shuttle

Toll Science? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562387)

Sounds very much like a troll science comic

Steal/Acquire Buran space plane. Bro-Tip use magnets for faster acquiring.

Re:Oh, is that all? (2)

Talderas (1212466) | about 2 years ago | (#41562845)

It would be easier to steal the USS Missouri from Pearl Harbor.

Re:Oh, is that all? (4, Funny)

titanium93 (839011) | about 2 years ago | (#41562893)

But then you have to worry about the cook.

CRAP! (3, Funny)

gurps_npc (621217) | about 2 years ago | (#41561775)

Now I have to come up with a new plan.

Dumbest thing in the universe. (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561785)

Seriously. This is news now?

It's sort of like North Korea's plan to steal the moon, as reported by The Onion.

Trivial (5, Funny)

DeeEff (2370332) | about 2 years ago | (#41561803)

It becomes almost trivial to steal a spaceship once you're President of the Galaxy.

These are the types of two faced men we should watch out for.

Re:Trivial (1)

tom17 (659054) | about 2 years ago | (#41561915)

STOLEN?

Re:Trivial (2)

maxwell demon (590494) | about 2 years ago | (#41561987)

It becomes almost trivial to steal a spaceship once you're President of the Galaxy.

These are the types of two faced men we should watch out for.

No, that would be highly improbable. Next you'll say that the space ship will pick up people from space all by itself.

Re:Trivial (1)

cultiv8 (1660093) | about 2 years ago | (#41562023)

exactly. First a spaceship, then a shrink ray gun, and BAM, someone has stolen the moon.

Re:Trivial (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562037)

Assemble the minions!

Re:Trivial (1)

DarwinSurvivor (1752106) | about 2 years ago | (#41562447)

Just make sure you use a warehouse with lots of growth potential!

Re:Trivial (1)

dkleinsc (563838) | about 2 years ago | (#41562041)

Yup, you're right. Never, ever, trust a president of anything.

President of the Galaxy (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562275)

When you're President of the Galaxy ... it's not illegal.

It would be cheaper to... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561809)

...buy the space shuttle from the museum than to execute the plan to steal it.

Re:It would be cheaper to... (2)

camperdave (969942) | about 2 years ago | (#41562343)

Yes, but it wouldn't be as fun!

These guys could pull it off... (1)

CCarrot (1562079) | about 2 years ago | (#41561823)

So, after a helpful LAPD officer suggested it would be impossible for a supervillain to make off with OV-105, Torchinsky went ahead and made a plan to do just that. All he needs is a submarine, a score of Sikorsky CH-53E heavy-lift helicopters, a salvaged and disguised Buran spaceplane, and the assistance of Switzerland.

Bet'cha the crew from Leverage [tntdrama.com] could do it. They probably wouldn't even need the Swiss, although they might borrow a minister or two for misdirection

They did 'steal' the Spruce Goose, after all... :o)

PR genius (3, Funny)

paiute (550198) | about 2 years ago | (#41561861)

This is obviously viral marketing for Ocean's Fourteen.

Re:PR genius (2)

Terry Pearson (935552) | about 2 years ago | (#41562131)

This is obviously viral marketing for Ocean's Fourteen.

Exactly what I was thinking. Sounds like an Ocean's plot. If they simplify the plot a little, it could be a stunt for Fast and Furious 6 as well... Attach two Dodge Chargers to spaceship and drive through LA like mad.

Always that Switzerland! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561873)

The only reason I couldn't pull it off. Darn those Swiss!

Leaked James Bond Plot (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561895)

So what he's saying is that Skyfall is yet another rehash of Thunderball.

Re:Leaked James Bond Plot (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562063)

And/or Moonraker.

Next Season, on Breaking Bad (4, Funny)

sexconker (1179573) | about 2 years ago | (#41561901)

Next Season, on Breaking Bad

Jessie: Oh come on, Mr. White! We have $480,000,000! Each! I'm out!

Walt: Really Jessie? This is about money to you?

Jessie: Wasn't that the whole point? To leave your family money, and then to make an empire because you're mad you made a bad decision with Gray Matter? Why do you need a space shuttle? Bitch?!

Walt: Jessie, Hank is on to us. We need to get out of his jurisdiction. Out of everyone's jurisdiction! And that shuttle is our ride.

Re:Next Season, on Breaking Bad (1)

realsilly (186931) | about 2 years ago | (#41562115)

I have to say, you've got the conversation pretty close to dead on. /clapclapclap

Re:Next Season, on Breaking Bad (1)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562207)

With the path of idiocy the series has walked in the past, I fully expect this to happen. ^^

Orbiting methlab FTW! (1)

Ellis D. Tripp (755736) | about 2 years ago | (#41563207)

Screw that old RV, and cooking in roach-infested houses.Imagine the crystals they can grow in microgravity!

Just hope Jesse's funyun crumbs don't screw up the environmental control system...

too late (5, Funny)

badford (874035) | about 2 years ago | (#41561907)

What makes you think that is the real shuttle?...mwuhuhahahaha [evil laughter trails off]

first the maple syrup (5, Funny)

nimbius (983462) | about 2 years ago | (#41561921)

now the space shuttle. when will the evil stop?

Re:first the maple syrup (1)

ericloewe (2129490) | about 2 years ago | (#41562065)

I suspect the space shuttle was the original extraction method for the maple syrup, hence the need to steal it.

Of course, since the maple syrup was recovered, there's not much point in stealing the shuttle, unless the maple syrup was just a distraction for the theft of somethign even more valuable!

Re:first the maple syrup (2)

sconeu (64226) | about 2 years ago | (#41562627)

Duh! Bacon!! [slashdot.org]
!

Re:first the maple syrup (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562067)

The genius was figuring out how to use maple syrup as the fuel for the stolen shuttle.

Re:first the maple syrup (2)

Darinbob (1142669) | about 2 years ago | (#41562085)

How many barrels of maple syrup could you hide in a space shuttle?

Re:first the maple syrup (1)

neminem (561346) | about 2 years ago | (#41562311)

Never. Presumably eventually they'll start stealing major landmarks, then they'll graduate from that and start stealing entire planets. Then at some point they'll invent a time machine and start stealing bits of the past, too. Better catch her quick!

Re:first the maple syrup (1)

MooseTick (895855) | about 2 years ago | (#41562427)

The terrorists have definately won

Re:first the maple syrup (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562443)

"Here's the plan. We get the shuttle, and we hold the Science Center ransomed for.....One MILLION DOLLARS!!"

Quick! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561939)

...to the Peter Copter!

Moonraker anyone? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561943)

Obviously the easiest way to steal one is to fly it right off the back of the 747 while in flight, because everyone knows they keep the shuttle fully fueled while being transported piggy-back.

Horrible plan. (3, Interesting)

drkim (1559875) | about 2 years ago | (#41561945)

Horrible plan.

First, if you already have a Buran, what would you need the shuttle for?

You're going to put a giant, top-opening cargo hold in a submarine?

And then you're going to bring it to flight-readiness? Couldn't you just buy the Buran and bring that to flight-readiness?

Re:Horrible plan. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562121)

the only working buran was destroyed when the dome of the cosmodome in kazakstan collapsed on it. there is 1 skeletal protype in a junkyard in dubai, one in a space museum in germany and the final one is.. well i dont remember. PLus the only operational Buran was not capable of supporting human powered flight. it was soley computer controlled.

Re:Horrible plan. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562431)

All the orbiters have been safed. They're no longer capable of flying at all.

Re:Horrible plan. (1)

tysonedwards (969693) | about 2 years ago | (#41562177)

"And by the way, it's not about making [a space shuttle], it's about taking [a space shuttle]. Destroying the status quo because the status is not quo. The world is a mess and I just... need to rule it." ~ Dr. Horrible

Re:Horrible plan. (1)

DerekLyons (302214) | about 2 years ago | (#41563301)

You're going to put a giant, top-opening cargo hold in a submarine?

I'm a former submariner, and trying to maneuver something underwater like that giant cargo hold gives me the squirming heebie-jeebies. Depth control would be somewhat... interesting. (To put it mildly.)

Too bad ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561961)

Too bad that Swissair went bankrupt many years ago. It's spiritual successor "Swiss" belongs to the "Deutsche Lufthansa AG", a german airline.

Cue the James Bond theme (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561973)

Come back Ernst Stavro Blofeld, all is forgiven.

The author's first mistake may be his last. (2)

Picass0 (147474) | about 2 years ago | (#41561981)

>> "While Bond supervillans tend to have these sorts of facilities and liquidity, they don't really exist..."

Well that exactly what Blofeld wants you to think.

It's easier if it's fully fueled (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41561983)

Don't you just fire up the engines on the fully-fueled Shuttle while they're flying it on the back of the 747 carrier, because one of your twelve other Shuttles is broken and stealing one is somehow easier than fixing the one you have? (Or am I the only one who hasn't wiped all memory of that movie from his brain?)

Nice (2)

Fuzzums (250400) | about 2 years ago | (#41562005)

Especially the part where the Swiss submarine is docking in those Swiss harbours is interesting.

But while you did this, I used all that confusion to replace the Mona Lisa with a fake one :)

Or, to paraphrase the piano enthusiasts (1)

michaelmalak (91262) | about 2 years ago | (#41562013)

To paraphrase the piano enthusiasts, it's not a shuttle but rather a shuttle-shaped piece of furniture.

like this? (2)

catmistake (814204) | about 2 years ago | (#41562017)

Moonraker [youtube.com]

Submarine and Sikorsky CH-53E not needed. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562033)

Should have stolen it while is was still piggy back on NASA 747 and flown it directly to Switzerland.

Switzerland?? (1)

Max_W (812974) | about 2 years ago | (#41562055)

International Committee of the Red Cross was created in Geneva, Switzerland, http://www.icrc.org/ [icrc.org] by Henry Dunant http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Dunant [wikipedia.org] and other nice people.

Geneva Conventions http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geneva_Conventions [wikipedia.org] were accepted, well, in Geneva.

It is sort of a good serious place.

Re:Switzerland?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562673)

Also, it is the home of the Jura Federation [anarchisme2012.ch] , the Anarchist International which was founded when Marx & the marxists kicked Bakunin and the other anarchists (libertarian communists) out of the First International [wikipedia.org] in 1872.

Then what? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562073)

Then what? to launch the space shuttle cost a lot of money. Then the insurance doesn't want to cover, because the shuttle is known to have launch problem
as in the skin could be puncture by ice and blow up during re-entry.

So if he could even steal, what could he use it for ?

Buy Buran cheaply In Moscow? (1)

Max_W (812974) | about 2 years ago | (#41562143)

You have not been in Moscow for a while. Here it is: http://www.moninoaviation.com/g6a.html [moninoaviation.com]

Re:Buy Buran cheaply In Moscow? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562161)

considering there are only 2 left that still actually look like the buran, id say they cost about $3.50. although thtere is apparently one rusting in a junk yard in dubai

Fanfic (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562163)

So /. has finally turned into a fanfic site...

One assumes that NASA will now threaten to sue the author for copyright infringement, the shuttle will get re-cast as a nymphomaniac off-white shark and a hastily-assembled book will be released as 50 Scales of Grey.

Is that all we need? (1)

91degrees (207121) | about 2 years ago | (#41562171)

I'll just make a few calls...

I could do it with less (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562225)

1) Large Crane

2) Large semi-truck transport

3) Crane at docks

4) Cargo ship

5) ??(you fill it in)

6) Profit

Live in New York or L.A. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562233)

I live in Dayton, Ohio the birthplace of aviation and the home of the National Museum of the United States Air Force. We kinda thought that we were a shoe in for one of the Space Shuttles, but instead we got shafted. Our museum has its own runway and most of the airplanes stored there for display simply flew in and landed there. We wouldn't have had to cut down 400 trees, kill habitats, or slaughter virgins to get the damn thing into the display hanger, but of course no one thought about that when they petitioned to get a hold of it now did they?

It must be Chairboy. (1)

antdude (79039) | about 2 years ago | (#41562243)

I know he [hallert.net] wants a NASA space shuttle. ;)

Yeah, but that's not the hard part (1)

istartedi (132515) | about 2 years ago | (#41562249)

How do you fence it?

This is even more pointless than stealing "The Scream". At least you could just walk out with a painting so hot it sets your house on fire. With this spaceplane heist you're putting an awful lot of time and money in to acquire something with zero return.

Been there... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562315)

...done that.

He says only a country could do this... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562391)

I bet Apple also could. $100 billion can buy you quite a bit of stuff.

Re:He says only a country could do this... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562615)

Like 10 of those new Retina display Macbooks.

Don't Overthink The Plumbing (1)

wa2flq (313837) | about 2 years ago | (#41562421)

Kirk - "Scotty, do you have the coordinates?"

Scotty - "Aye Captain!"

Kirk - "Good. Transport them directly into the shuttle bay. Start with the Enterprise."

Spock - "Quite logical Captain!"

Scotty - "Does this make us supervillians Captain?"

Kirk - "We are just protecting them, Until NASA realizes they still need them"

*boop* *beep* *whirrrrrlllll*

Future interview question (1)

onyxruby (118189) | about 2 years ago | (#41562423)

How can I see this replacing "how would you move Mt Fuji" as a future interview question?

/Proposed answer was horrible by the way.

And if you could steal a Buran, (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562455)

why would you want to use it to steal a Shuttle? Buran is rarer by far... much more valuable and collectible, right?

Oh, yeah, it doesn't matter unless it's popular and famous. Never mind.

Moonraker 2? (1)

bagboy (630125) | about 2 years ago | (#41562517)

Moonraker [imdb.com]

Hrmmm (1)

dead_user (1989356) | about 2 years ago | (#41562549)

He should call Franz Harary. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Harary/ [wikipedia.org]

Re:Hrmmm (1)

dead_user (1989356) | about 2 years ago | (#41562593)

Not sure why it's appending a / to the end of the URL. Oh well.

Did anyone notice the next story? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 2 years ago | (#41562609)

Which of these 2 stories makes more sense, stealing a shuttle or Boeing has filed a patent application for a method of disposing of dead satellites and other debris orbiting the earth by hitting them with a puff of gas?

In other words... (1)

Livius (318358) | about 2 years ago | (#41562613)

The LAPD was right, it's impossible (in practical, not necessarily absolute, terms).

Sounds like a plan... (1)

roc97007 (608802) | about 2 years ago | (#41562721)

...but Roger Moore would have to play Bond...

Adequate security (1)

SLOGEN (165834) | about 2 years ago | (#41562995)

Perhaps the security is adequate if that is the best plan.

Security is not about making absolutely sure, it's about:

1. Lowering likelyhood: Making it reasonably hard to break, so that the bad guys will go somehere else.
2. Spend wisely: Not spending more to defend that the likelyhood of loss times (value lost + value bad guys gain) (in general terms)

BTW:

a. Round up the likelyhood, the bad guys are better than you at getting ideas.
b. Destroy sensitive and remove generally valuable parts to reduce the bad guys value
c. The value lost is *not* the money spent on the lost property. Perhaps you wasted a small bit of effort making it? pehaps you can recreate new and better cheaper?

I think the value of the space-shuttle is mainly sentimental and image-loss on theft, so you should probably not spend more than a simple escort -- mainly to prevent traffic-problems.

He Forgot The Canoe Paddle . . . (1)

tgeek (941867) | about 2 years ago | (#41563057)

. . . for when he finds himself up shit's creek!

Steal it?!?! Just buy it! (1)

freeze128 (544774) | about 2 years ago | (#41563145)

It would be cheaper to buy it from the US as salvage. Have you seen that crappy old rustbucket lately? Sure they put a new coat of paint on it, but I wouldn't risk my life flying in that thing. Might make a cool ground-based home though.
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