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Ukrainian Attack Dolphins Are On the Loose

Unknown Lamer posted about a year and a half ago | from the ecco-wants-blood dept.

The Military 99

Hugh Pickens writes "The Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands. The Atlantic reports that, after rebooting the Soviet Union's marine mammal program last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military's new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate' out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to 'attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.' Dolphins were trained at Sevastopol for the Soviet Navy as far back as 1973 to find military equipment such as sea mines on the seabed as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships. The U.S. has its own dolphin program in San Diego with 40 trained dolphins and sea lions and another 50 in training. U.S. Navy dolphins were deployed in Bahrain in 1987 during a period when Iran was laying down mines in the Persian Gulf to disrupt oil shipments. No word yet on whether 'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached' have been added to the U.S. arsenal." Update: 03/14 14:55 GMT by T : Note that (as the Atlantic has updated their story reached via above link) while there really are militarized dolphins in use around the world, this particular story turns out to be an elaborate prank.

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Oh great (5, Funny)

Looker_Device (2857489) | about a year and a half ago | (#43159923)

Bad enough when you just had to worry about them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEb-iCQqec&feature=player_embedded [slashdot.org] ">raping you or beating you up [youtube.com] . Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!

Jaws Two, Dolphin Style (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160105)

While this is a hoax, bet you the next blockbuster movie is going to be a teenaged mutant ninja dolphin version of Jaws Two.

Funny my Capitcha is impetus

I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (4, Funny)

Thud457 (234763) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160137)

Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?

The right question was... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160923)

Are they ill tempered?

Re:I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (1)

Dusthead Jr. (937949) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162469)

You forgot a pair of Thomson Eye-Phones

Re:I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (2)

mjwx (966435) | about a year and a half ago | (#43166519)

Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?

They've already been caught and turned into John West Tuna.

Re:Oh great (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160433)

No, no, no... they aren't carrying land mines. That would just be silly. These are ship mines.

Re:Oh great (1)

blind biker (1066130) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160465)

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive.

I don't think humans are mutated and radioactive. The rest of your statement is valid, though.

Re:Oh great (1)

Big Hairy Ian (1155547) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160493)

Just waiting for Blizzard to turn this into another MMORPG :(

attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy channel (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160613)

attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy channel monster movie of the week.

Re:attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy chan (1)

TheCarp (96830) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162239)

Followed up by the history channel special on the secrets of Alien Dolphins.

Re:Oh great (1)

willcutaflip (2822571) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160615)

Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.

The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!

I am pretty sure the simpsons made an episode exactly as you described...we are all doomed!

Re:Oh great (1)

BigT (70780) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162067)

Snorky.... speaks... man!

Lemme guess (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43159963)

Lemme guess - with frickin' lasers, right?

Re:Lemme guess (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160219)

Not reading TFA is standard procedure here, but you didn't even finish the summary.

Re:Lemme guess (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43161619)

Slashdot standard procedure is not even to read the headline, but immediately post and blabber about all kinds of stuff that is irrelevant or just plain factually incorrect. And then get modded up to +5, Insightful or Informative.

Hoax (3, Informative)

roman_mir (125474) | about a year and a half ago | (#43159965)

This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.

Re:Hoax (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160051)

If you had actually RTFA, you would find out that the only part of this story that's a hoax is that the dolphins escaped. Everything else is real.

Re:Hoax (0)

roman_mir (125474) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160099)

Oh, I don't doubt that they have a program in Ukraine for attack dolphins, attack dogs and attack bulls. In fact dolphins have been used for this purpose in WWI and WWII and probably in other wars.

Irrelevant, this is a nonsense headline. There was a much funnier hoax released earlier about Krugman [bostonmagazine.com] . It's the Internet, everybody here is either a fat guy, an FBI agent or some hoaxer.

Re:Hoax (-1, Offtopic)

aboutbattery (2865143) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160257)

AS10B31 [laptop-power-battery.com]

Re:Hoax (2)

kermidge (2221646) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160971)

From what I read (three articles plus follow-up via search and more reading) and with the understanding that my reading comprehension may be questioned, they're not armed though they may have been trained at some point with some kind of offensive gear, and their 'escape' is apparently encompassed by some of them swimming off in search of mates or a desire to play hookey.

U.S. Navy also apparently looked into various possible ways to arm the beasties but later decided not to do so. In fact, a recent article (I don't have the link; look for it if you're interested - it's within the past week, I think) says the Navy is shutting down the whole dolphin program in favor of robotic submersibles and other measures.

Re:Hoax (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160071)

Who cares?! It's too awesome not to believe!

Re:Hoax (4, Funny)

TheGothicGuardian (1138155) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160271)

Hah, that's just what a militarily trained Ukrainian dolphin trying to throw us off his trail would say.

Re:Hoax (2)

Sulphur (1548251) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160417)

This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.

That was the problem; their brain cells were rubbing together.

Re:Hoax (2)

mcgrew (92797) | about a year and a half ago | (#43161043)

You really should start your medication, boy. Then read the fucking article, which says this is common and expected behavior. Of course, if it had been anything but the Register it wouldn't be blowing it so much out of proportion. Here are a few better links to the same story, by less disreputable sources:

New York Daily News [nydailynews.com]
Atlantic Wire [theatlanticwire.com]
Herald Sun (Australia) [heraldsun.com.au]
Huffington Post [huffingtonpost.com]
Slate [slate.com] (Slate credits BoingBoing)

Google News is full of them. There was one story by a business blog that questioned its authenticity on Google's list of stories from the search term "Ukraine dolphins"

Re:Hoax (1)

Quakerjono (1561915) | about a year and a half ago | (#43170599)

Wow. If the Huffington Post is a "better link" then...well, that's just a pretty low initial bar.

Re:Hoax (1)

mcgrew (92797) | about a year and a half ago | (#43172639)

I didn't say they were reputable, just less disreputable. The Register is only slightly less of a joke than The Onion.

Re:Hoax (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43165639)

Our entire societies are fabricated, it doesn't make them less real in any way.

Their last message (5, Funny)

Peter Simpson (112887) | about a year and a half ago | (#43159977)

"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"

no friggin lasers? (1)

tresstatus (260408) | about a year and a half ago | (#43159981)

and dolphins instead of sharks?!?!?

Re:no friggin lasers? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160015)

Hey, it's a step up from sea bass.

Re:no friggin lasers? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160043)

These gun-dolphins were released to combat the growing laser-shark problem.

No they're not (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43159983)

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/

Men who stare at dolphins (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43159985)

You just can't make this stuff up. These people get paid to do this.

Haox (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43159989)

This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news

http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/03/13/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-not-roaming-seas-for-romance/

Re:Haox (5, Funny)

Black Parrot (19622) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160067)

This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news

Tough choice... can we pick both?

Re:Haox (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160167)

This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news

Tough choice... can we pick both?

Of course, you can! It's a (non-exclusive) disjunction.

Re:Haox (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160761)

Well, as of five minutes ago, CNN.com was still reporting it as a true story. News sucks at news, details at 11.

Hoax (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43159993)

First linked article already mentions this being fake in an update

Re:Hoax (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43165359)

You mean you read TFA ?

Well... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160009)

Title of the first article:
"Update: Ukrainian Military Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose"

Apparently it was a partial hoax or something like that.

old story on wired (3, Informative)

schneidafunk (795759) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160011)

Re:old story on wired (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160315)

Wired reported on the program, not the fact that they escaped.

Re:old story on wired (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160421)

which was a hoax.

AWOL (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160017)

Did they check the local bars and whorehouses?

What else would you believe? (1)

roman_mir (125474) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160053)

How about this for a story that is similarly unbelievable?

Putin has released Khodorkovski from jail.
Tentacle manga: Tokyo is under attack by a 100 meter monster.
French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes.

Yeah, all of these may appear on the front page of /., would you also believe it if you saw it?

Re:What else would you believe? (2)

lfourrier (209630) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160259)

The headline : "French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes" is perfectly believable.
The plan in itself, that's another story.

Re:What else would you believe? (1)

ronpaulisanidiot (2529418) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160817)

We wouldn't have believed that a blabbering cult member such as yourself would manage to get his karma back from terrible to good in less than 24 hours of posting, but yet you did. And now as a result we see you posting your church material here as fast as you can type it. Hence attack dolphins seem pretty plausible; after all they can likely handle math much better than you.

And it was reported as a hoax (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160077)

And "Unknown Lamer" is a dumbshit that can't even check Google News before posting this idiotic shit.

all they need is lasers ... (1)

ExKoopaTroopa (671002) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160135)

dolphins with frikin lasers attached to their head

Planet of the Dolphins? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160141)

Is this the beginnig?

Once again the Simpsons predicted it. (4, Funny)

BLToday (1777712) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160153)

Once again the Simpsons predicted it.

I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overloads.

Re:Once again the Simpsons predicted it. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43161187)

If you throw enough darts at a dart board, one of them will hit something.

April 1st (2)

watermark (913726) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160177)

April 1st is still a few weeks away

Quick! (2)

Idou (572394) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160179)

We must arm sharks with lasers!

Ballistics (1)

Khyber (864651) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160191)

Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics.

The knifers, oh shit.

No need to worry about lasers. Attenuation underwater is a bitch.

Re:Ballistics (2)

oodaloop (1229816) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160275)

Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics. The knifers, oh shit.

Do knives have longer ranges underwater?

Re:Ballistics (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160491)

Dolphins swim at up to 50 mph and have incredible agility while swimming. Unless you can swim like a Navy SEAL, don't bother trying to dodge, just smile happily while the dolphin guts you.

Re:Ballistics (2)

SteinzoTheGreat (936654) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162193)

Given the choice to be able to swim like a Navy SEAL or a Harbor Seal, I think I would choose the latter . . .

Re:Ballistics (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43161955)

This is obviously just "proof of concept"; I mean, how long do you think it will be before we start seeing orcas with mini-torpedoes???

US navy has this covered (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160239)

The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.

Re:US navy has this covered (1)

Kwyj1b0 (2757125) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162481)

The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.

Obligatory Simpsons

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

AS10C7E (-1, Troll)

aboutbattery (2865143) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160243)

AS10C7E [laptop-power-battery.com]

Red Alert 2 (1)

Rataerix (2814199) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160267)

It's coming true, next up mind controlled squids.

SLASHTABLOIDOT (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160297)

Next: Fukushima accident opens demonic portal! Bat boy discovered in Gotham City sewers! Alien life found! (yeah, dupe) Slashdot editor edits story! (ok too implausible even for this site)

Sex (1)

billakay (1607221) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160327)

Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.

So, they left to get laid?

NRA Response (4, Funny)

guttentag (313541) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160355)

I'm waiting for the NRA to use this in its lobbying, pointing out that it's easier for a dolphin in the Ukraine to legally acquire a gun than for a human in the U.S. They may take it a step further and claim that there is an ever-growing need for assault weapons at the beach now that foreign countries are arming their wildlife and setting them free in the ocean.

Re:NRA Response (2)

eeyoredragon (674402) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160851)

The only answer to a bad guy with a gun is a dolphin with a gun!

Re:NRA Response (1)

Chuckstar (799005) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162939)

Guns don't kill people... dolphins kill people.

as has been said... (5, Informative)

dAzED1 (33635) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160393)

Not only does the headline say it was a hoax, the very first line says it was a hoax.

Update! Sad news, friends. It turns out that one piece of the Ukrainian dolphin story is, in fact, a hoax.

The "one piece" is the idea that they were trained to kill, and that they escaped. So other than they not being killer, nor escaped, yes - there are dolphins. Good job, "Unknown Lamer"

Re:as has been said... (2)

Graydyn Young (2835695) | about a year and a half ago | (#43161731)

You just ruined my day. Couldn't you just let me believe in the Ukrainian murder dolphins?

The D Team -Starring Dolph Lundgren, I'm thinking? (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160409)

In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.

If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.

Re:The D Team -Starring Dolph Lundgren, I'm thinki (1)

daveashcroft (321122) | about a year and a half ago | (#43163665)

Actually, Its would think it more likely they would be known as the C-Team!

In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.

If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.

the ukraine is weak (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160441)

the ukraine is weak

I still have armys in the Ukrainain (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160461)

I still have armys in the Ukrainain

so... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160477)

Where's my sharks with lasers?

Killer Dolphins (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160483)

Guns don't kill people. Dolphins do.

Perhaps Douglas Adams Was Right (2)

Ukab the Great (87152) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160515)

Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.

Dolphins make love, not war. Mabye they really are the smartest creatures on earth.

Re:Perhaps Douglas Adams Was Right (1)

EmperorArthur (1113223) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160621)

Yeah, they "make love" whether the other party wants to or not.

This is it. (1)

VAElynx (2001046) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160625)

Last week germs from Lake Vostok, this week this
We're living in a pulp fiction sci-fi
And it's awesome.

Re:This is it. (1)

julesh (229690) | about a year and a half ago | (#43166043)

I'm thinking this film [imdb.com] is the one we're currently in.

I, for one... (1)

vikingpower (768921) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160673)

...welcome our new tursiops truncatus overlords.

wait a minute... (1)

sudden.zero (981475) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160781)

I said sharks with lasers attached to their foreheads not dolphins with knives or guns YOU IDIOT!!!

Day of The Dolphin (2)

lemur3 (997863) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160803)

there was a book.. and film about dolphins that were trained to talk and in some way involved in an assassination attempt on the president of the USA.

ive never read the book.. and the movie wasnt all that great..

its worth a look if youre in to 70s stuff!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Dolphin [wikipedia.org]

After the dolphins are kidnapped, an investigation by an undercover government agent for hire, Curtis Mahoney (Paul Sorvino) reveals that the Institute is planning to further train the dolphins to carry out a political assassination by having them place a limpet mine on the hull of the yacht of the President of the United States.

A hoax (4, Informative)

matrim99 (123693) | about a year and a half ago | (#43160917)

Re:A hoax (2)

nyri (132206) | about a year and a half ago | (#43163627)

Everybody! Ignore this guy with stupid facts and continue with killer mutant dolphin jokes!

HOAX (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43160975)

Update! Sad news, friends. It turns out that one piece of the Ukrainian dolphin story is, in fact, a hoax. No dolphins from the Ukrainian army's complement have actually escaped, according to this newspaper report. The hoax began with this faked report from the museum director, which led to a story by RIA Novosti.

Karl Pilkington.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43161021)

Now you wonder where he gets it. [youtu.be]

He heard it on slashdot.

Time to release the (1)

Nyder (754090) | about a year and a half ago | (#43161077)

sharks with the lasers.

As IBM Once Said: THINK (1)

buravirgil (137856) | about a year and a half ago | (#43161151)

Hoax? Sure, but think of a dolphin in a pool throwing out clicks designed to traverse leagues and fathoms of seawater-- an enclosed pool would function much like an echo-chamber. Oh, but we are learning their language... IN AN ECHO CHAMBER? Through the 80s, I recall NASA soliciting primary school students for ideas about what experiments might be conducted on the space shuttle in 0g conditions. And that was very thoughtful. But it was public relations to suggest something other than the cargo of satellites to be launched from low orbit now forming a sphere of space junk so dense further "research" is imperiled. The science of training animals is highly classified, and likely of a sordid history to be revealed. Stories like this will confound what fog of war surrounds the practice.

Who cares? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43161603)

Do you honestly think a single person on Slashdot actually clicked this story looking for serious information? Not a chance in hell. I promise you, every single one of us that isn't a first time visitor, came to this story for one thing, and one thing only: to read the ridiculously funny as hell comments on the dumbest fucking story of the day!

lol

...and the dolphin bumps into a shark (1)

MugenEJ8 (1788490) | about a year and a half ago | (#43162965)

"Say 'ello to my little friend!"

Finally an obligatory non-XKCD comic (1)

IwantToKeepAnon (411424) | about a year and a half ago | (#43163465)

Cow and Boy [gocomics.com] Have a "whale" of a good time this weekend.

Yep. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43163647)

In Soviet Russia, Dolphin harpoons you!

If those dolphins... (1)

Kittenman (971447) | about a year and a half ago | (#43163847)

... ever discover fire, we're all doomed.

Oh, wait...

Deja Vu (1)

slater86 (1154729) | about a year and a half ago | (#43166569)

I seem to remeber something very similar after Hurricane Katrina a few years back.

http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/09/25/1850228/armed-dolphins-released-into-gulf-of-mexico

'armless Arrested Development reference (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year and a half ago | (#43168945)

Loose Seal!!!!

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