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NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Data

timothy posted about a year ago | from the please-don't dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 78

reifman writes "Perhaps the reason the NSA's surveillance programs are so unpopular with Americans is that we haven't seen any of the potential consumer benefits that spying and big data can provide. Here are ten ideas for the productization and monetization of the NSA's spying infrastructure to inspire Americans to consider the bright side of the dark arts." In case anyone doesn't notice, these suggestions (at least most of them) are presented tongue-in-cheek; a truly secure email system, though, is another story.

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Last!!! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185237)

Oh.....wait..

Re:Last!!! (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185455)

In case anyone doesn't notice, these suggestions (at least most of them) are presented tongue-in-cheek

Gots to cater to the stupid. Heaven forbid if some impulsive person lept to the wrong conclusion and wound up feeling embarassed, leading to an appreciation of why you don't leap to conclusions... We can't be having that! Good thing you spelled it out for them to avoid just such an occasion.

Foolproof Witness Protection Program ?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185789)

Now that NSA got all the buddy lists neatly compiled wouldn't it be easy for the U.S. Marshall to peruse some of those "buddy lists" to shore up the credentials of their protected witnesses under the "Witness Protection Program" ?

Computer says no.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185249)

Nice to see the slashdot effect still ruining servers from time to time

Re:Computer says no.. (5, Informative)

reifman (786887) | about a year ago | (#45185281)

Yeah, sorry - it'll be up again shortly. I've been having problems with Varnish cache on traffic spikes today. This is my WordPress setup with W3TC & Varnish in case you are interested: http://jeffreifman.com/detailed-wordpress-guide-for-aws/ [jeffreifman.com]

Re:Computer says no.. (1)

_merlin (160982) | about a year ago | (#45185295)

Haha given the situation, I think people will read this as a way not to set up a blog.

Re:Computer says no.. (2)

reifman (786887) | about a year ago | (#45185303)

Fair enough :) But, it's been slashdotted a lot before and held up just fine. Perhaps need to add a maintenance section.

Re:Computer says no.. (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185481)

Fair enough :) But, it's been slashdotted a lot before and held up just fine. Perhaps need to add a maintenance section.

Perhaps to add a nigger section.

Re:Computer says no.. (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185617)

It's not working. It already has a nigger sectio

Re:Computer says no.. (-1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185721)

wtf

Re:Computer says no.. (0)

mrclevesque (1413593) | about a year ago | (#45188471)

uhn : )

Re:Computer says no.. (1)

whoever57 (658626) | about a year ago | (#45185339)

Haha given the situation, I think people will read this as a way not to set up a blog.

Unfortunately not:

Error 503 Service Unavailable



Service Unavailable
Guru Meditation:

Re:Computer says no.. (5, Funny)

PPH (736903) | about a year ago | (#45185355)

This is what you get for making fun of the NSA.

They will probably be scraping up the IP addresses of everyone who visits your site. You could make your life easier if you'd co-locate your server with them. They have a nice facility in Utah.

Re:Computer says no.. (1)

interkin3tic (1469267) | about a year ago | (#45185441)

"Making fun of" or "giving them such good ideas that they have to literally bury the source"? From the summary, it sounds like these are suggestions that someone who thought "Hey, spying on EVERYONE ALL THE TIME isn't technically unconstitutional" might think are good suggestions. And the NSA's public image is pretty much as low as it can go without someone taking out a superbowl ad proving the NSA rapes dogs. They may as well try unconventional methods to improve their image: there's nowhere to go but up. And they're not really risking anything anyway. We all know what they did, but what can we do about it?

Re:Computer says no.. (1)

cold fjord (826450) | about a year ago | (#45185627)

This is what you get for making fun of the NSA.

I think this sums it up. [youtube.com] *

*Assuming "making fun of them" is a cause of action. ;-)

Very hot facility (2)

Taco Cowboy (5327) | about a year ago | (#45185827)

They have a nice facility in Utah.

They already had 10 bouts of fire inside that spanking new utility, only 2 of those they have identified the causes of the fire.

Of the other 8 fires the causes still remain unknown

Even Slashdot has covered the news of the fires, twice

http://slashdot.org/topic/datacenter/nsa-datacenter-delayed-1yr-after-series-of-explosive-electrical-failures/ [slashdot.org]

and

http://slashdot.org/story/13/10/08/1457235/nsas-new-utah-data-center-suffering-meltdowns [slashdot.org]

Re:Very hot facility (1)

dbIII (701233) | about a year ago | (#45187769)

Fires? It's just the special effects for the Star Trek set they had built :)

Re:Computer says no.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185365)

ahh shut down by the NSA. Tech support from Gitmo will be stopping by to assist you.

Re:Computer says no.. (2)

comgen (802337) | about a year ago | (#45185679)

Jeff: I can mirror this excellent article for you, either redirect to or link in slashdot post to alt source. That is if you don't mind political blog / site ? helping out! Also, give WP-super cache a try in place of W3TC, I switched awhile back and noticed better overall performance, however, slashdot/reddit spikes are difficult to handle at times regardless.

Re:Computer says no.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185731)

A varnish cache may not particularly help if the load is high. Consider running multiple servers + Route53 and/or CDNizing

Re:Computer says no.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45188129)

And what do your technical problems have to do with NSA spying popularity?

Re:Computer says no.. (4, Informative)

reifman (786887) | about a year ago | (#45185735)

Re:Computer says no.. (2)

Antonovich (1354565) | about a year ago | (#45186921)

Google to the rescue! Oh, hang on...

Read the book 1984 and Farenhight 451 (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185263)

That will surely be a kick!

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Dat (1)

MobSwatter (2884921) | about a year ago | (#45185327)

Ideas to sell this? Here's a few... 1. The constitution, the foundation and framework of law on which the nation (and all conceptually contained within it) was built upon forbids it. 2. Communism or the many shades of it shouldn't be a real big seller in the U.S. unless we'd like to see Jewish barbeques or some other race on the grill depending upon the bar code series tat on your wrist. 3. See #1.

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Dat (4, Informative)

ozmanjusri (601766) | about a year ago | (#45185439)

Ideas to sell this?

Check out the Gruen Transfer's videos. They ran with this idea a few weeks ago and asked two Australian ad agencies to compete for the production of the best ad to support ASIO spying on Australians,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JinOn0fu-u0 [youtube.com]

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Dat (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186411)

I'm sure many Australians would be fine with the ASIO spying on Australians as long as all the Australians also get the same level of information on Australian leaders and politicians.

"If they're not doing anything wrong they have nothing to fear" right?

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Dat (1)

jhol13 (1087781) | about a year ago | (#45186619)

You do remember that "war on terrorism" is not enough, we need "war on everything" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G0w0JBpcMA [youtube.com]

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Da (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45189971)

If only there was someone to Chase that goal.

Re: NSA App Ideas To Popularize Spying and Big Dat (0, Troll)

myowntrueself (607117) | about a year ago | (#45185577)

Ideas to sell this? Here's a few...

1. The constitution, the foundation and framework of law on which the nation (and all conceptually contained within it) was built upon forbids it.
2. Communism or the many shades of it shouldn't be a real big seller in the U.S. unless we'd like to see Jewish barbeques or some other race on the grill depending upon the bar code series tat on your wrist.
3. See #1.

Who would eat Jews? They probably don't even taste like pork!

Another suggestion (1)

Empiric (675968) | about a year ago | (#45185333)

For a small monthly fee, you can retrieve your company e-mails directly from the NSA. Although this will not help with the fact that your "politically connected" competitor will soon inevitably put you out of business due to having all your trade secrets, it does simplify remembering the e-mail address of that guy you think might want to buy the office furniture.

My ten (2)

djupedal (584558) | about a year ago | (#45185349)

Here are ten ideas on how to spend the money that should be taken away from the NSA. . .
1.) Buy as much bacon as possible before the Chinese decide they need it all for themselves.
2.) I lied about ten, well, because bacon.

NSA should cache web pages (5, Funny)

Megahard (1053072) | about a year ago | (#45185391)

So they can intercept and fulfill requests for slashdotted articles.

Re:NSA should cache web pages (2)

girlintraining (1395911) | about a year ago | (#45185545)

So they can intercept and fulfill requests for slashdotted articles.

I'm not so sure. The NSA may be watching us all masturbate via our webcams, but they're still a government agency, and as such there are certain standards they must abide by regarding government services provided...

"NSACloud(tm) is currently experiencing a high volume of freedom requests. Your freedom is very important to us. Please remain in the queue and your request will be granted in the order we think it should. Thank you for your patience, Citizen." (cheesy muzzac starts playing on the webpage)

Unpopular? (4, Insightful)

EvilSS (557649) | about a year ago | (#45185393)

"Perhaps the reason the NSA's surveillance programs are so unpopular with Americans..."

Um, I don't think this is really true. So far we haven't seen a real push back on the NSA programs by the general public. It's one of the things that scares the crap out of me about the whole situation: Joe Sixpack and Lisa Liberal don't seem to care.

Re:Unpopular? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185509)

I agree, but what can you do about it? A majority know this "terrorist threat" is complete crap. You can vote out politicians but the next ones will keep it in place, for fear from Joe/Jane Sixpack that the terrorists are going to win, and won't be voting for them next election. Politicians are more or less yuppies trying to run ponzi scams to become even richer, while jerking off its voters by talking out there ass about freedom/security.

You gotta love how uncreative the idiots in government are to keep running communist like propaganda..

stop voting? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185659)

maybe if far less then 50% VOTED YOU COULD then ALL CLAIM they DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO be THERE CAUSE YOU DIDNT VOTE CAUSE none WAS WORTH VOTING FOR.

Re:stop voting? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186701)

That's very stupid. If you don't vote at all, to the politicians you literally don't count.

There are often other candidates not just R/D if none of them are worth voting for (have you really checked? Maybe a new liar/politician would still be better than the old ones), maybe you should run as a candidate or you should encourage someone suitable to do so.

If nobody suitable is willing to be a candidate, maybe indeed your leaders are the best your country can do. In which case your country is getting what it deserves.

Re:stop voting? (1)

Rob the Bold (788862) | about a year ago | (#45187435)

That's very stupid. If you don't vote at all, to the politicians you literally don't count.

If you don't donate you don't count. And you count in proportion to your donation.

Re:stop voting? (1)

JazzLad (935151) | about a year ago | (#45191375)

I live in a solidly red state. Except in a R primary (and on a local level) my vote truly does not count whether I vote R, D or other. My state will go R. This has been compounded by redistricting (I would like to see all involved with redistricting to other than to revert to simple shapes hung for treason, regardless of party).

Re:Unpopular? (5, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185527)

"Perhaps the reason the NSA's surveillance programs are so unpopular with Americans..."

Um, I don't think this is really true. So far we haven't seen a real push back on the NSA programs by the general public. It's one of the things that scares the crap out of me about the whole situation: Joe Sixpack and Lisa Liberal don't seem to care.

I know its a bit of an over reaction to draw the connection, but that is the same thing that scared me so much about The Holocaust. Something clearly preventable, and obviously bad being done by a government, but very few of the citizens are doing anything about it. Our american students are sitting in their history classes being told how the Germans failed to prevent the Holocaust, and thus we need to be careful about such things, while our government is doing blatantly immoral things (of drastically less severity) that no one is caring about. I don't care if congress has a 10% approval rating; just saying you don't approve isn't going to stop this (especially given that its another branch of government doing a power grab. Oh where have we seen that before...)

What are we suppose to do? I sent money to the EFF, and I tell everyone I know. I'd consider joining some protests, but there arn't any. Maybe I should be writing my congressmen? Does that actually work?

I'm a software engineer, and I'm been teaching myself cryptography. I try to design governmental/representative and electoral systems in my free time. I really don't think I can accomplish much though. Maybe propaganda campaigns like this app will help, but I fear not. So much is so wrong, and I just don't know what to do. What can we do?

Re:Unpopular? (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186195)

I don't mean to depress you or kill your hopes, but as someone that has been doing the writing to representative routine for years now. No it doesn't work, I've never once received a personal response and at best was subscribed to their spam mail list. Something more needs to be done.

Re:Unpopular? (3, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186427)

I know its a bit of an over reaction to draw the connection, but that is the same thing that scared me so much about The Holocaust. Something clearly preventable, and obviously bad being done by a government, but very few of the citizens are doing anything about it. Our american students are sitting in their history classes being told how the Germans failed to prevent the Holocaust, and thus we need to be careful about such things, while our government is doing blatantly immoral things (of drastically less severity) that no one is caring about. I don't care if congress has a 10% approval rating; just saying you don't approve isn't going to stop this (especially given that its another branch of government doing a power grab.

Oh, the low approval rating is a good match for the parliament at the times of the Weimar Republic. That was the basic situation giving the National Socialists the ability to push through the PATRIOT act, excuse me, I mean the Ermächtigungsgesetz putting aside major parts of the constitution. They subsequently implemented the CIA, excuse me, the Gestapo which would kidnap and kill people without due process. They had concentration camps in Guantanamo, excuse me, in Poland, where they used "enhanced interrogation techniques" to figure out more political enemies to assassinate and intern in order to protect the state from the attacks of international terrorism and al-Quaeda, excuse me, the Jewish world conspiracy.

Re:Unpopular? (1)

n1ywb (555767) | about a year ago | (#45188125)

I invoke Godwin's Law [wikipedia.org] . As horrible as some of the stuff our government does is, there is no mass incarceration or genocide period end of story. Comparing a few terrorists in Gitmo to Auschwitz is asinine.

Re:Unpopular? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45189697)

I invoke Godwin's Law [wikipedia.org] . As horrible as some of the stuff our government does is, there is no mass incarceration or genocide period end of story. Comparing a few terrorists in Gitmo to Auschwitz is asinine.

We've already committed genocide (native Americans) and used concentration camps ("Japs" in WWII), so your primary objection to this comparison is that we haven't yet grown our concentration camps to this larger size again? If not now, at what point do you think the comparisons will be appropriate... 1 million interned, 20 million interned?

Re:Unpopular? (1)

cellocgw (617879) | about a year ago | (#45189929)

I invoke Godwin's Law. As horrible as some of the stuff our government does is, there is no mass incarceration or genocide period yet end of story.

FTFY.

BTW, there's significant evidence that other nations had a reasonable inkling of what was going on -- read some of the history books on IBM's explicit involvement in tagging and rounding up Jews. Not that Jews were particularly welcome in the USA either back then.

Re:Unpopular? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186705)

How on earth can the above post have been modded insightful?

Once a certain threshold is exceeded, a terror regime becomes fairly stable for some time by instilling fear and terror among its citizens. Under the nazi regime children were spying against their parents. There were people fighting the Holocaust, but these were very few and most of them landed in concentration camps themselves. There is nothing special about the fact that most people loose their democratic principles very fast if upholding them could mean that they are captured and tortured by a secret police. Mechanisms of terror work the same everywhere. That's the first point. The second point you should tell your students is that Hitler was elected democratically and most Germans de facto were nazis, despite the fact that many of them suddenly became democrats again just minutes after the war had ended.

Students should really study the history of terror regimes more closely, from the Nazis over the Soviet Union, Mao's "Revolution" to Pol Pot, in order to get an idea of how they work. They can arise anywhere and among any people once the respective mechanisms of terror against their own population reach a certain threshold. There are not even remotely any such mechanisms in the US in place, so the whole comparison is pointless. The worst you can get, at the current time, is a "soft" tyranny run by a small "elite". Some would say you already have that. Anyway, please do not confuse one type of totalitarian regime with another.

Re:Unpopular? (2)

AmiMoJo (196126) | about a year ago | (#45186855)

To be fair the fact that millions of Jews were being murdered was not common knowledge at the time. The government was aware of how extreme it was and kept it quiet for fear of a blacklash or that it might encourage other countries to join the war against them.

Re:Unpopular? (1)

MrL0G1C (867445) | about a year ago | (#45189471)

If you knew the govt was killing Jewish people, coloured people, gays, unionists etc, ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holocaust#Non-Jewish [wikipedia.org] ) you'd think hard about adding yourself to the list, most people don't wish to be martyrs.

Re:Unpopular? (1)

Megol (3135005) | about a year ago | (#45189527)

Maybe (historians disagree). However what is known and documented is that the majority of Germans did know of the mass execution of civilians in Poland and Russia/the Soviet union. This partly as ordinary soldiers sometimes was ordered into the execution units and more commonly because German civilians did witness the executions as a form of entertainment. Again this is well documented e.g. from recorded conversations from German prisoners of war and other sources. Is it then a large step to go from knowing that thousands of (apparently) civilians was executed to inferring that maybe those trainloads of Jews and other unwanted elements will be taken care of in a similar manner? I think not.

Re:Unpopular? (1)

intermodal (534361) | about a year ago | (#45190503)

As a German-born American, I've been following this with that very eye. And it scares the hell out of me that my countrymen here in the US do nothing. We revolted against Britain for far less.

Re:Unpopular? (3, Informative)

reifman (786887) | about a year ago | (#45185669)

Agree at some level but I was following this EFF report https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2013/10/polls-continue-show-majority-americans-against-nsa-spying [eff.org] "For instance in an AP poll, nearly 60 percent of Americans said they oppose the NSA collecting data about their telephone and Internet usage. In another national poll by the Washington Post and ABC News, 74 percent of respondents said the NSA's spying intrudes on their privacy rights."

But are they doing anything about the intrusion? (2)

Taco Cowboy (5327) | about a year ago | (#45185855)

... For instance in an AP poll, nearly 60 percent of Americans said they oppose the NSA collecting data about their telephone and Internet usage ...

Even if 99% of the Americans say they oppose it still doesn't matter.

Saying is NOTHING.

What is need right now is for Americans to ACT.

But are we seeing the Americans doing anything ?

Nope.

As long as MOST of the Americans remain complacent and do NOTHING, them fuckers gonna take advantage of the it and will conjure up much more despicable stuffs in order to "keep us safe from ourselves".

Re:But are they doing anything about the intrusion (1)

Windwraith (932426) | about a year ago | (#45189213)

Show me the people of your country doing something about it, and I will take your US bashing seriously.
In my country we are worse off and people has no way to "act". It's easy to make demands for others, but how about "acting" yourself? You might be known as a "hero" and everything.
Your post is also "saying", by the way. By your definition, it's "NOTHING".

Learned helplessness (4, Interesting)

Okian Warrior (537106) | about a year ago | (#45185691)

Joe Sixpack and Lisa Liberal don't seem to care.

Some people have been studying the phenomenon of "upheval" in it's generic form. It's spawned a lot of studies/papers and even popular books, viz: The Tipping Point [google.com] .

The overall summary is that you can't just point out how bad something is, you have to give people an action they can take to help fix the problem.

There is widespread distrust, anger, and annoyance at the NSA due to the revelations. There's no public outrage because there's really nothing anyone can do. "Joe Sixpack" has no actions to take: voting doesn't help, writing congresscritters doesn't help, even public mass demonstrations don't seem to help. What you are seeing is Learned Helplessness [wikipedia.org] : an animal doesn't take actions to help themselves, because they're convinced that the actions will have no effect.

Consider the recent history of cell phones or music distribution: people were complaining that cell phones were a walled ecology with no innovation and poor functionality. You had to get carrier approval to run a program on a cell phone, and they would only allow the simplest, meager functionality. You were lucky if your carrier allowed you to have tetris.

People complained that if you wanted music, you had to purchase a physical CD, for an ensemble collection and for an exorbitant fee. Usually you had to purchase an entire CD for a single song you liked.

As soon as an option was given, people flocked to the new systems in droves, uptake was very fast.

Make secure E-mail easy to use with trivial installation and the situation will change overnight. There will be a flood of new users.

Everyone hates the situation, but for most people there's nothing they can do about it.

Re:Learned helplessness (2)

TapeCutter (624760) | about a year ago | (#45186257)

People complained that if you wanted music, you had to purchase a physical CD, for an ensemble collection and for an exorbitant fee. Usually you had to purchase an entire CD for a single song you liked. As soon as an option was given, people flocked to the new systems in droves, uptake was very fast.

Seems to me the "option" was withdrawn when we moved from records to CD's but then it was returned, ie: a business plan glitch in the transition from records to downloaded mp3's.. My own kids that grew up in 80's/90's paid little or no attention to top 40 lists, what was the point when you couldn't buy the single to play at home?

I think that financially speaking they shot themselves in the foot with the rush to digital albums. As kids in the 60's / 70's we used to visit the record shop every Friday to pick up that weeks "3XY top 40" list, although some bands (most notably the Beatles) tinkered with the idea of music videos, they didn't take off until the mid to late 70's and didn't really hit the mainstream until Jackson's Thriller vids (coincidently the idea of creating the Thriller videos was given to him by Paul McCartney). We were quite lucky here in Oz since the ABC (Aussie BBC) were one of the pioneers in music vids, they started broadcasting all night music vids in 1978 (the show "Rage" is still running in a similar timeslot on Fri/Sat nights).

Singles were priced so that the average HS kid could buy a single once a week and still have pocket money left over. Not every album was broken into singles, eg: Pink Floyd's DSOTM had only one single "Money", but most of them were broken up because if you wanted it heard on radio you had to have a single for the radio station to promote. DSOTM still is one of the all time biggest selling albums, it's very likely it would not have sold more than a handful of copies without begrudgingly cutting the "Money" single for the radio audience to hear and subsequently vote onto the all important "hit list" with their wallets.

Re:Learned helplessness (1)

couchslug (175151) | about a year ago | (#45188215)

"There's no public outrage because there's really nothing anyone can do."

Nothing convenient and safe. The inconvenience of being surveilled isn't sufficient for any of the public to give up their freedom in return for (hypothetical example) kneecapping politicians. Since politicians only respect what they fear, and the public won't sacrifice to put them in fear, the elites win.

After OK City, there were no more "Randy Weaver" or "Branch Davidian incidents". I'm not advocating such acts, but pointing out that they have some effectiveness. OTOH there is no hope for peaceful change. In order to make people do your will you must be willing to hurt or kill them. (The US exists because the Founders and their followers were willing to send shot and shell through Redcoat, Hessian, and Tory.) If you won't do this, those who will are your masters and so it has always been through history.

The social contract in the US is that the elites allow us food and shiny objects while being able to kill us if the bribes don't work. I'll take the bribes as we all do, but I'm aware I'm being paid off.

Re:Unpopular? (1)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186299)

Well...in terms of going out and demonstrating, no. But background, I'm a health care provider. In my office new patients are required to sign a receipt that they have been offered a copy of my privacy policy, part of HIPPA. I've been doing this for over 10 years. In the past few years I added a new section on email. It informs patient that if they want to use email to make appointments or for minor communication they can, but email is not secure and there can be no expectation of privacy. Pre-Snowden, everyone signed it and everything else (they need to sign 5 things to get started) like a mindless robot. Since Snowden, about 9 out of 10 new patients do not sign that section.

I think one affect of Snowden's and others revelations is that people will pull back a little or a lot here and there regarding how they approach using the internet. They may have suspected that what they put up was being intercepted by "someone;" now they know it for a fact.

Re:Unpopular? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45188237)

Exactly what kind of pushback do you think the public can do? There have been plenty of complaints, but the Secret courts are the ones that allowed it in the first place, so what recourse does the public have?

Most people I know have started encrypting EVERYTHING and refuse to comply with ANY secret orders, no matter if they are from a court or not.

So what are you doing?

Thanks for updating your web site (1)

davidwr (791652) | about a year ago | (#45185423)

The /. article said you had 10 ways, now you have 503 ways.

Now where is the "next" button? I'm only seeing method #1, "guru meditation."

In case anyone doesn't notice, these sentences (at least most of them) are presented tongue-in-cheek; a meditation of a guru, though, is another story.

NSA will know what you will write 2 posts in advan (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185429)

The NSA will eventually get so good with its data collection algorithms that it will be able to know what you will write, 2 posts in advance. This will doubtfully create a sentient internet with our collective conscious.

Re:NSA will know what you will write 2 posts in ad (1)

MobSwatter (2884921) | about a year ago | (#45185835)

Cool, communist genocide doesn't seem so bad if they don't really need us anyway, they will speak for us, oh wait, they already do that.

Really? (0, Troll)

redmid17 (1217076) | about a year ago | (#45185511)

I know this is satire, but fuck you

Really dude? (5, Interesting)

Okian Warrior (537106) | about a year ago | (#45185739)

I know this is satire, but fuck you

Dude, really?

Check out John Cleese's lecture on creativity [youtube.com] .

Then tell me if you're one of the people who believe in absolute solemnity for certain subjects, that they cannot be joked about in any way.

By way of illustration, here's a parody of torture [youtube.com] .

Reversing the role (1)

gmuslera (3436) | about a year ago | (#45185551)

If want some sympathy, don't look outside. The future of the country is on stake by the actions of the ones that are in power. So, spy on all of them, report to the public (and justice) any misbehavior, bribe, abuse, etc and that threat could be subverted. After all working for america is not working for some particular rich guys but for all its citizens.

the fook off app (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45185641)

lol

Last Wish (1)

TheRealHocusLocus (2319802) | about a year ago | (#45186003)

I didn't feel very jokey-jokey about the subject, so I decided to write a short story for the treasonous bastards of the NSA. Hope you like it assholes, hope it makes you think about what the future will bring. I am channeling Phillip K. Dick today. Or perhaps I was inspired by this [youtube.com] .

________

LAST WISH

It was a bright little office with an official seal and large letters on the door: The Pact. A hole in the wall really. A series of blurred young faces, documents to sign. A ten minute 'psych' interview with pointless questions, presumably to check his mental fitness, or perhaps to kill time while they ran a more complete background check of family and friends to ensure there were no lawsuits waiting in the wings. No matter, he knew he would sail through it easily, and made small talk with a faceless young man. A formality.

They led him down a hallway to a large silent room with a comfortable chair in the middle. "The flat panels on the armrests respond to your touch, and to some extent you can steer or pause the content." Then with a wordless nod the technician leaves the room through a doorway that secures with an gentle click. The lights dim slowly.

Points of light surround him which grow into images; sounds rise all around. It is a mosaic, computer constructed but at times seemingly guided by an artist's hand. Images of him as an old man, as a young man. Yearbook photos, recent photos. Various favorite musics, voices he recognizes as his own, friends, others. He even recognized some things from the ancient website 'Facebook', the company long dissolved and its data merged by Congressional decree into the Federal Cloud. But this is just the beginning.

It is what they refer to as the 'personal public torrent', a period of media gathered from all possible sources for which there exists a 'contract of assent'. You can access it for a fee, even take a copy with you for an additional fee. He knows however that the show will not last long, he has led a mostly solitary life unworthy of note. They will mostly spare him everything: long blurry shots of his back, walking down empty corridors, sitting at his desk. He knew a camera was nearby though he never bothered to spot it, not once in 30 years. Now there is an incredible mosaic filling the screen. It is Times Square full of people. Popups appear with his face from different angles and a red line traces across the mosaic indicating his walking path. But they are just showing off, he thinks. Anyway he is walking alone and he remembers that night as one of sadness, she was out of his life then. He is grateful when it passes quickly. Perhaps they sensed his mood. Family photos now, so distant in the past they could be for someone else.

They have done their job well. He has not glimpsed her or heard her voice even once. It had been late in the evening when he found the brief official note, pursuant to such and such public law, she was being 'unpersoned' and her effects would be removed from the cloud. She had left for work that morning with a kiss and had simply not returned. He remembered when they first met, she would chide him for not speaking out along with her, not joining the Cause, going with her to meetings. He would tease her in return, telling here to be plain and boring, that is the way to avoid trouble. That faded dog-eared copy of 1984 she would wave at him like a bible and slap on the table as she spoke. Her face so beautiful then.

He was grateful when the public torrent finally slowed then ceased. If he knew how he would have ended it sooner. It was as if they were tormenting him, with relish, for these lonely years that had passed uncounted.

The screens now display in total darkness a horizontal red line and flashing question mark. A soft female voice. "The public torrent has ended. Proceed to the exit now and the fee is due. If you choose to stay the fee will be waived and you will be bound to the Pact. To continue, tap both hands twice."

He taps the consoles. No doubt they were aware that his balance was exactly zero. He had keyed it all over to the cheerful waitress who had always kept his accustomed table empty, ordered ahead and placed his meal before him with a flourish. "You remind me of someone... years ago," he had once told her. She had laughed easily, tossed her hair and replied "Sounds like a compliment. Perhaps some day someone will remind me of you... years from now." How easily she had lifted his spirit at that moment. Tomorrow his table would be empty. He began to feel a yearning moment of sadness.

There is an audible snap from the doorway as if a bolt is locking into place. The room explodes with light and sound.

It begins with music! Raucous and glorious music of his youth, music he simply cannot find anymore, it is always 'sold out' or oddly 'unavailable' in a world where everything else is. The images growing and cascading as before, but many more of them, places and with him and family outings from distant angles and --- there she is! Over to the right, they are walking together, hand in hand down a street after a rain. He sweeps his hand sideways and the image slide off into darkness, replaced by one of him eating at that lonely table. He almost cries out, then calmly, desperately operates the controls. There she is again, fixing her hair as if she is gazing into a mirror. It probably was a mirror... and the system responds to his shaky fingers and before a minute has passed all the screens are filled with images of her, him, them, together.

And voices, conversations. He has mastered the navigation and can bring up still images, slide moving images and zoom. They are deciding what to wear, there's that book on the table. It is their apartment sure enough, did they have cameras like that everywhere or was it because she was a member of the Movement? He does not care at this moment, for what would for them be some dreary voyeuristic viewing of some couple saying nothing really, just existing, is a feast. For countless minutes that could be hours he is exploring the life he had forgotten, tears clouding his vision. The moving mosaic seamlessly holds nothing back, not even the fervor of their lovemaking. He struggles with the controls because he is shocked and disoriented by the views of his younger self, even feels a strong twinge of jealousy. Finally with deft strokes he is able to find an unobstructed angle of her face, zooming and sliding himself off the screens. He gazes at her for a long time as she reaches her peak, and he freezes the frame. The room falls silent. Something is not right. He looks around, down at the chair and at his wrinkled trembling hands. "Damn it all to hell." Then louder, "To hell!" But there is only silence.

Soon other images appear on the fringes, and he resumes the journey but now it is just moments, silly little moments that enthrall him. She is applying lipstick, dancing down the stairs. Speaking to a group of people in a small room, the friends he had never met. She is telling them about slippery slopes, turning points, Liberty and other things but he doesn't hear the words, just her young voice full of life and conviction. So long ago in a country that could have been so different. Now it shifts viewpoint, someone in the crowd was recording, then again, showing the back of her head and the audience. He becomes irrationally angry at the rapt faces listening to her. Why didn't you do something, change anything?? I was an idiot and a fool but you all were there. She finishes up with a joke he does not catch and they are all laughing, laughing at him. "So you bastards! She just wanted to be left alone, and this is what you wanted?" he shouts to his unseen benefactors beyond the room. There is no reply.

No one listens. The viewing rooms are not monitored or staffed while in operation, as the material being shown is not cleared for any but the individuals it is ascribed to. And even then only persons who have signed the Pact are permitted to view and sift the entire collection. The cloud presents the material using algorithms tailored for continuity, novelty and aesthetic value. This may include surveillance footage, material collected before the Pact was signed into law, popular culture that is in the process of being redacted, material that has been declared reactionary or obscene, news events deemed unworthy of note. As an unalienable right a Citizen has full access to it under the Pact.

His journey takes him back to their apartment, dashboard views on some road trip (I remember!) and now she is sitting at a bus station somewhere humming a song he recognizes. It is forbidden music but in the background the cloud has softly brought up the original recording. He loses his anger and weeps aloud, selfishly grateful that despite the quiet horror, the disappearances and the dismal outcome... the government at least has the decency to grant an old man one last wish. He is feeling dizzy now, and discerns a new odor in the room. It has been scarcely an hour since he entered the room. Originally the Pact was more of a retreat with no set time limit, but budgets are stretched and others are waiting.

The price of the Pact is death. But it is a merciful one, as guaranteed by the Constitution.

"Howdy! Wait here hon, I'll find you a table... oops there's only one available but it's reserved. He's late today, so I guess I'll have to sit you there. That's funny, I wonder... yes, right this way."

Danger (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45186345)

The danger of spying on your own citizens can never be underestimated.
Just think of how the NSA will be able to influence any future election by disclosing the private information it has gathered about the candidates.

Use that data-center (1)

StripedCow (776465) | about a year ago | (#45186477)

Can't read the article (server slashdotted?), but, since they have the data-center anyway, I suggest they start a "free" social network, a "free" web-based email service, and a "free" search engine.

here is TFA (4, Informative)

Gravis Zero (934156) | about a year ago | (#45186585)

it's just a blog post so...

Ten Ways to Make NSA Spying Popular with Americans

posted by REIFMAN OCTOBER 20,2013 in FEATURED, HUMOR

With a more entrepreneurial focus, the NSA could easily counteract the current unpopularity of its surveillance programs and eliminate concerns over the cost of its multi-billion dollar programs.

Here are ten services the NSA could offer to make its spying more popular with Americans and offset the costs of its massive data collection:

1. Make flying easier. Since the NSA knows who the terrorists are, it can generate proceeds from “Not a Terrorist” badges which allow the wearer to bypass security screenings. For an additional fee, it will text you ahead of time if you’re booked in the middle seat between two lumberjacks.

2. Simplifying tax time. Since the NSA knows everything about our finances and credit card transactions, it will file your return with the IRS. Never be audited again.

3. Data recovery. Lose your phone? The NSA will restore your contact list. Hard drive fail? No worries, the NSA will rebuild it from the cloud.

4. Avoid annoying people. The NSA’s new mobile app will help you identify and avoid specific people. Is that chatty coworker in the restroom? Know before you go. Never run into your ex again.

5. Find your teenager. Kid out past curfew? AT&T and Verizon won’t help? Don’t guess. The NSA’s mobile app will pinpoint your teenager on a moment’s notice.

6. Private investigations. Is the guy you’re dating married? Is your spouse having an affair? There’s no need to hire a private investigator. The NSA will monitor the activities of those around you and email you if there’s anything you should know.

7. Improving relationships. Need to playback that conversation with your partner from 3 days ago where they’d agreed to cancel dinner reservations with your mom? No problem, the NSA audio cloud (built in to iOS and Android) will make it easy to retrieve.

8. Unlimited remote access to data. Out of dropbox space? Need a file from home or from your ex-boyfriend’s computer? No problem, the NSA’s cloud file store has it.

9. Access to medical records. Need to lookup an x-ray for your doctor? Want genetic testing reports on your date? The NSA mobile app has that too.

10. Truly secure email services. Using email encryption is hard, a surveillance-free email service would be super popular right now.

If you have more ideas for the NSA, with the hashtag #NSAapps.

Re:here is TFA (2)

dbIII (701233) | about a year ago | (#45187903)

11 just in - Really piss off the entire population of France. That would get most of the USA on side since they went from loving the place in the 1980s as partners in the foundation of the USA to the disgust, hatred and "freedom fires" bullshit that exists now for some reason.
Mexico isn't very happy with the NSA today either but with the French it's personal (millions of personal phone calls recorded from nearly everyone in France that used a phone last December).

HIV Testing? (2)

AndyCanfield (700565) | about a year ago | (#45186603)

I was at the hospital recently to get an HIV blood test. After I paid, the lady said I could go home. I said "But nobody has taken any blood out of me yet!" Truely, the NSA is good, but they're not THAT good! I think. Maybe they are that good. That would be convenient. No need to send your girlfriend in for a pregnancy check; just e-mail nsapao@nsa.gov and get the results over the Internet.

No more calling in sick! (2)

Ihlosi (895663) | about a year ago | (#45186675)

Instead of you calling in sick, your workplace will call you and tell you to stay home for the next five days, since you showed elevated body temperature on yesterdays IR pictures and they don't want you to spread the germs to your coworkers.

FUCK YOU (0)

Anonymous Coward | about a year ago | (#45192181)

When Manning or Assange, or Snowden or others spy on government, they don't like it, but when they spy on us, they expect us to be happy about it.

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