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Fleeing Jurassic Park III

JonKatz posted more than 13 years ago | from the -weekly-movie-wrap-up-instead- dept.

Movies 215

Minutes into Jurassic Park III, the movie I'd planned to review, I lost it. It was obvious we'd all seen this movie before, only in better-written, more vivid and original form. The bottom line is that dinosaurs keep getting smarter, while screenwriters are getting dumber. Anybody dumb enough to get on that island again deserves what he gets. The raptors are getting as familiar and menacing as Mickey Mouse. So I bolited, skipped illegally across the hallways of the megaplex to write a weekly wrap-up instead. I saw Legally Blonde, Score, and the big romantic comedy of the summer, America's Sweethearts. The latter, despite the great cast, is a near-total disaster. What can you say about a week in which the most entertaining movie was Legally Blonde? Hang on for Planet of the Apes next Friday.

We are deep into the summer doldrums, and to what is shaping up as a sub-par movie summer. Score (Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Marlon Brando) is a stylish, genial, high-end crime saga, one of those old-style movies in which the good guys are classy, harm no one, have high ethical standards, and have the neatest tools in the world. The movie is a bit flat and predictable. There is the by-now standard deranged computer hacker who screams at his mom while stuffing junk food into his mouth and hacking into the most sophisticated computer systems in the world in nano-seconds to find out anything anybody wants to know. DeNiro plays an aging burglar who is depressed about having to do one more big score so he can get out of the game and shack up with Angela Bassett. But in this movie, DeNiro is a little too depressed. Norton, a young wannabe, takes him on. Norton does a great job of playing a pseudo-psychotic who keeps you guessing right up to the end precisely what he is capable of. The movie is worth seeing, if only to see these good actors, atmospheric scenes of Montreal, and an aging Brando do one or two neat scenes that suggest the great actor still has it.

Legally Blonde (Reese Witherspoon) suggests another dumb teen movie, but manages to transcend the genre. Witherspoon plays a seemingly brainless but good-hearted Malibu-Barbie type who applies to Harvard Law School to pursue her snotty boyfriend (who dumps her once he's admitted because he needs someone more serious) and who, in the name of diversity, gets admitted. The twist is that this airhead is a sympathetic victim, turned on by snotty peers, jeering classmates, and insulting professors. You know the plot without seeing the movie, but one interesting thing about this film, which goes against expectations, is the way Witherspoon's (who was great in Clueless) character [note: Actually, that was Alicia Silverstone, but who can tell? -T] hangs on to her odd values. If movies are a barometer of anything, this one may be telling us it's okay to obsess on manicures and how you look again. There are, of course, all of the familiar cliches about elitist kids and Harvard. Hollywood needs some new targets. But still, this is the most enjoyable movie I saw all week, which says something.

America's Sweethearts is the summer's most ballyhooed romantic comedy. This should have been a knockout movie. It has a great cast -- Billy Crystal, John Cusack, Julia Roberts, Stanley Tucci, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Christopher Walken, and a great target to feast on -- Hollywood hype, studio culture, and press junkets. Who better than Billy Crystal to write and star in this kind of a movie?

But America's Sweethearts is a shockingly awful movie. The truth is, when push comes to shove, any film is often simply about the writing, something that did in Final Fantasy, and the writing in this one is just terrible. The movie is crammed with slapstick gags that aren't funny, a plethora of masturbation and penis jokes (the Farrelly Brothers do this a lot better), and just crummy dialogue. It's a major disappointment, given the talent involved, maybe one of the biggest of the summer. This movie has about five laughs in its nearly two long and arduous hours.

Personally, the movie I've been waiting for all summer is coming out next week -- the re-make of Planet Of The Apes. According to the movie mags, they were re-shooting the end of this movie as recently as last week, a bad sign. But there's always hope, even this summer.

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First... (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69140)

Did anyone notice the appearance of Linux in The Score? Plus I think that computer-geek kid was a right-on portrayal of the "script kiddie" type!

Oh, and.. first!

Yeah, that guy (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69141)

Jon Katz doesn't like anything. He's like a CNN-reviewer-wanna-be. Jurassic Park III did what it was supposed to do: show us fun dinosaurs in a summer adventure movie. It wasn't "Citizen Kane," but it was entertaining anyway. Also, Reese Witherspoon was not in "Clueless." Check the IMDB before you write a lame tirade, er, I mean review.

Re:hmm (2)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69142)

Jurassic Park was amazing. It was a true summer-movie-experience. The kind of movie that reminds you what movies used to be like when you went just to have your mind blown and not brainwashed by some overly sensitive "real life drama" that you could get by spending the weekend with your own disfunctional family.

The sequal was pathetic. The special effects were still cool and in a few parts, you still were on the edge of your seat, but it was a sequal that shouldn't have been made.

I wouldn't even consider going to see, buying or even renting the second sequel. The gee-gosh of the special effects is gone now and it'd be a battle just to maintain the suspension of disbelief from the now-standard special effects to the detraction of whatever plot they managed to scrounge together.

You'd think with the big names, big bucks and big experience, they could have used the money and talent behind the third movie and done something seperate and unique rather than rehash the boring dinasaur thing.

Re:Witherspoon in Clueless? (2)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69143)

She was great in Ferris Beuller!

Witherspoon in Clueless? (5)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69145)

Wasn't that Alicia Silverstone that was in Clueless, not Witherspoon? She was in Election and Pleasantville. Both fine movies.

Re:Clueless? (5)

Anonymous Coward | more than 13 years ago | (#69146)

Haven't you figured it out? I mean, after reading Jon Katz's articles for so long, I've come to one, undeniable conclusion.

Jon Katz doesn't watch movies.

That's right. I'm almost certain he writes his reviews based on the trailers. "Hey, that Witherspoon chick looks kinda familiar. Wasn't she in......CLUELESS! Yes! I'll put that in my review! And of course, I know the plot before I see the movie; that qualifies me totally, 100% to write an objective, unbiased, informative review."

One the off chance that he actually makes it into a movie theater, he's mumbling "What a goddamned shitty movie" to himself as he is paying for his popcorn.

When he sits down and the film reel starts, he reviews the movies in the pre-feature trailers - each one of them being a horrible muddle of teen-insulting drama permeated by violence and shallow characters. Including That-New-Disney-Flick(tm).

Gene Siskel would be proud. *cough*

Quality Entertainment Content (1)

Vaystrem (761) | more than 13 years ago | (#69147)

I agree that Slashdot does need some Entertainment content, its just part of a well rounded site. But is Jon Katz the right person for the job? His 'reviews' of movies (His Book reviews are much better in my opinion, as he actually seems to dig a bit) are often no more informative or exploratory than the trailer of the movie itself. Maybe in this category the focus shouldn't be on quantity (1 bash and 2 reviews in 1 post) but on quality. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would be able to submit quality movie reviews. As discussion of these 'mini reviews' degenerates quickly into, shallow "I liked it", or "I didn't like it" discussions. A more thoughtful approach may be required.

Clueless? (4)

Phaid (938) | more than 13 years ago | (#69148)

Reese Witherspoon wasn't in Clueless. Alicia Silverstone played the blonde stereotype lead character in that one. Witherspoon's characters in various films have been compared to Alicia Silverstone's Clueless character, which may explain the confusion.

Re:Minutes into? How many minutes? (2)

Glytch (4881) | more than 13 years ago | (#69151)

I dunno, it's happened to me once. I watched the first few minutes of Biodome, and for some gosh darn reason I thought that it wouldn't be much.

Re:Star Wars tie in (2)

Glytch (4881) | more than 13 years ago | (#69152)

I haven't seen JP3 yet, and I'm kind of hoping, nay, praying that you're kidding.

Re:Agree with all except Planet of the Apes (2)

Glytch (4881) | more than 13 years ago | (#69153)

Yeah, but with Tim Burton. The man's got a gift for weirdness.

Jon (2)

Laxitive (10360) | more than 13 years ago | (#69157)

I think what you WANT to say was that Alicia Silverstone was great in Clueless, and that Reese Witherspoon was great in Election, and that Reese Witherspoon's version of Alicia Silverstone's character in Clueless was great!

See? Much clearer.


Re:Planet Of The Apes (2)

uradu (10768) | more than 13 years ago | (#69158)

> Is it true that members of Mensa are telekinetic and can jerk off with only their mind?

That's the ONLY way they can accomplish it, I'm afraid. You win a little, you lose a little.

Re:Clueless? (1)

Detritus (11846) | more than 13 years ago | (#69160)

She also starred in Election, opposite Matthew Broderick. She did a great job playing the part of the junior achiever from Hell.

Duh. (3)

Kyobu (12511) | more than 13 years ago | (#69161)

What can you say about a week in which the most entertaining movie was Legally Blonde?

Well, that's because you didn't see Ghost World. Anyone coulda told you that all the movies you reviewed would suck, except for The Score. I was disappointed to see that every single review of it has trashed it, because De Niro and Brando are two of the best living American actors. But even though I sometimes disagree with reviewers, it's rare that I disagree with everyone. So I'll skip it. But as for the others, it was pretty obvious they were going to be shallow, by looking at the trailers, who was in them, and what they were about. What was he last "romantic comedy" that had any redeeming value? Probably Chasing Amy, and that one doesn't even count. And Legally Blonde is such a tip-off summer-movie lame-pun name that you didn't even need to see the retarded trailer to know it would be terrible. Ghost World, though, was a subtle movie that actually contained (gasp!) beauty, and perceptive observations, and acting, and all that stuff! Plus, Steve Buscemi is my hero.

You may have noticed that I haven't given a lot of evidence for my opinions. Well, tough. I'm too lazy.

Re:Clueless? (1)

Octorian (14086) | more than 13 years ago | (#69162)

No, I think that was Selma Blair.

Re:Planet of the Apes... (1)

Sly Mongoose (15286) | more than 13 years ago | (#69165)'s not going to be the same without Charlton Heston screaming "DAMN YOU!" at the end...

And without Roddy MacDowall dragging his knuckles on the ground...

This is Slashdot's Boycott of the MPAA? (2)

Quarters (18322) | more than 13 years ago | (#69170)

So I bolited, skipped illegally across the hallways of the megaplex to write a weekly wrap-up instead.

Way to go, JK. You're really stickin' it to em now!!

What total and utter crap....

Re:Clueless jonkatz (1)

Evro (18923) | more than 13 years ago | (#69171)

But you read it, right? What does slashdot care about the quality of whatever's on the site? The point is to get people to discuss it. Then again, I can't imagine they like seeing an entire thread on "gay" or "this sucks". I have to give Jon Katz some credit for still writing for Slashdot after all the abuse he's gotten.


Re:The advert says... (2)

Moofie (22272) | more than 13 years ago | (#69176)

I'm not going to cry any crocodile tears for Crichton. He sodomized his own (pretty good) novel Jurassic Park by magically resurrecting the most obnoxious character, just so they could hire Jeff "I Only Play Goofy Slightly Charismatic Scientists" Goldblum for JP2.

Guess what...he still sucked. : )

Re:Clueless? (2)

Webmonger (24302) | more than 13 years ago | (#69177)

Yeah, she was in Cruel Intentions too, where she played the nice girl.

Re:Minutes into? How many minutes? (2)

gmhowell (26755) | more than 13 years ago | (#69179)

At least Katz is honest. It is not at all unusual for a movie critic to leave the theatre not long after the opening credits.

(Seen it myself. Lucky enough to score some press tickets while on my college newspaper.)

Movies suck now. (3)

Restil (31903) | more than 13 years ago | (#69182)

Not all movies. I'm sure there are some good ones out right now, as there have always been bad ones over the years. The problem is, while sitting through a bad movie, I can usually pick up (during the 20 minutes of previews) a few good candidates for GOOD movies.

I was dragged to see America's Sweethearts last night (I had a couple female companions..... what was I to do? say NO!?!? :). There was not ONE preview that screamed at me "You have to see this!" Thats what previews are for anyways, to take the only good 1 minute worth of footage from a movie and make it out to be the best movie ever produced in the history of movie making. If the content of the movies is so bad they can't even pull THAT off, I've come to realize there might be an actual REASON I haven't been to a theatre more than 3 times since Phantom Meanace was released.

So what's the deal? Do movies suck more now than they used to, or am I just changing and finding that movies tend to pander to the less neurologically active audience?


Re:Katz is a little too bitter.... (1)

HydroCarbon10 (40784) | more than 13 years ago | (#69188)

Is there seriously anything Jon Katz likes? Perhaps slashdot should change to "News for Nerds. Stuff that Matters. Jon Katz Movie Reviews". Oops, I just turned off Jon Katz articles, darn.

JP3 (3)

NetJunkie (56134) | more than 13 years ago | (#69194)

We saw JP3 last night and liked it. It's exactly what they tell you it is...people running from cool looking dinosaurs. It isn't going to win a lot of awards (maybe special effects), but it's a great summer movie to see.

Movie reviews on this site have become totally useless. Unless the movie is about some population of people being repressed for being different and can be compared to Columbine Katz doesn't like it. Hey John, pretend the people on the island are being persecuted for being different and the dinosaurs are the "jocks" and then maybe you'll like it!

JonKatz and the Case of Broken Moral Compass (1)

KingJawa (65904) | more than 13 years ago | (#69198)

Two weeks ago, some of my friends went to see Legally Blonde. "Matinee," I thought, referring to the price I'd like to play -- about $4 -- to see a movie that proudly portrays its vapitidy. I, and other friends, went to see The Score instead. I may see Legally Blonde this afternoon, but it's looking increasingly unlikely. $8.50 (the regular price of a movie) saved; $4.50 if I end up seeing it during the day.

Mr. Katz ended up not only saving the money, but seeing the movie.

Last Wednesday, my friends wanted to see JP3. I, having not particularly liked the first and downright hated the second, said no thanks, have fun, and smell ya later. Another $8.50 saved.

Mr. Katz ended up seeing enough of the movie to walk out on it (apparently, my foresight is 20/20, if his opinion is to be trusted), and did so without paying for it.

I'll likely see America's Sweethearts soon. That's $8.50 I'll spend.

Mr. Katz also paid full price to see America's Sweethearts (we'll assume the ticket printed "Jurassic Park 3" was simply clerk error), but is actually paid -- by a corporation, nonetheless -- to do so.

So, here we have me, Average Joe Moviegoer, unable to see every movie that comes out due to budgetary prioritizing. On the other hand, Corporate Moviegoer Jon goes to not one, not two, but THREE movies for the price of one, recognizes the illegality (but not immorality) of his actions, and then gets PAID to do it.

As movie theaters' profits are based on economies of scale -- that is, each moviegoer gives them increasingly more income, per person -- Corporate Jon has in effect stolen doubly from the theaters. I say we blame the evil entity known as Big MovieReviewing. After all, corporations have no moral compass, and Mr. Katz is a shining example.

Re:Clueless jonkatz (2)

Refried Beans (70083) | more than 13 years ago | (#69199)

I'd be happy if someone would proofread the articles before they are posted. I've seen so many spelling errors and outright typos recently, I think some junior high kids would be a good change. At least they are still getting taught basic English skills and might review their writing before hitting the submit button.

Huh? (1)

Trinity-Infinity (91335) | more than 13 years ago | (#69204)

You know the plot without seeing the movie, but one interesting thing about this film, which goes against expectations, is the way Witherspoon's (who was great in Clueless character hangs on to her odd values.

I hate to nitpick, but do you mean Witherspoon was great in Clueless? Or that a character like hers was great in Clueless? If it's the former, methinks the IMDb stands to correct you [] - if its the latter, your grammar hath confused me...

Re:*cough cough* Memento (1)

zer0vector (94679) | more than 13 years ago | (#69209)

I'll have to second that, Memento was definitely one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Too bad it didn't get the publicity it deserved.

Katz - All your opinions are belong to you (1)

BobandMax (95054) | more than 13 years ago | (#69210)

What did you expect in a summer/Spielberg movie... high art? Maybe we should have expected "The Third Man" or "Wages of Fear" from the Spielberg/Chrichton duo? Grow up and stop whining, Katz. Jeez, you're irritating.

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

Re:Katz - All your opinions are belong to you (1)

BobandMax (95054) | more than 13 years ago | (#69211)

There are a few that Hollywood, in all its cinematic perfidy, can never touch. They are just too good. I'll list my top five...

Wages of Fear
The Third Man
Seven Samurai
Seventh Seal
The Hidden Fortress

I have the Criterion DVDs and they are superb, especially (my favorite) "Wages of Fear".

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

Final Fantasy - Dr. Aki Ross (1)

Snowbeam (96416) | more than 13 years ago | (#69213)

I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere, but was anyone else mesmerized by her looks. This was the first time I found myself staring uncontrollably and she wasn't even a real woman.

There should be laws against replicating fineness like that...

Re:Witherspoon in Clueless? (1)

ChodaBoy (97144) | more than 13 years ago | (#69214)

Perhaps it's the fact that this movie appears to be little more than a sequel to Clueless.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it was intended to be Clueless 2 but they couldn't get Silverstone, so they cast someone else in the role and changed a couple names.

Katz' backhanded review notwithstanding, I think I'll pass on seeing it anyway.


alan... alan... (1)

nick++ (100416) | more than 13 years ago | (#69215)

JP3: they should have continued the movie from alan grant's dream sequence where the raptor is like, ALAN!@!@$$ ALAN#$#$ instead of going into all that stupid OH NO WE HAVE TO RUN FROM RAPTORS AND FIND THINGS IN DINOSAUR SHIT junk. i want more raptors talking in rediculous voices!

Minutes into? How many minutes? (5)

JohnnyBolla (102737) | more than 13 years ago | (#69217)

I'll be the first to admit that I am disappointed by many movies, but minutes? This movie could have kicked ass, but you'll never know if you left "minutes" into it.

Re:Planet of the apes?.... (1)

BradleyUffner (103496) | more than 13 years ago | (#69218)

I beleive that was ripped from a Simpson's episode. Very funny, but you should have given some credit.
=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\= \=\=\=\=\

Re:The advert says... (2)

ewoods (108845) | more than 13 years ago | (#69221)

It's false advertising. It all takes place on Isla Sorna (site b, same island as in 2). I saw it last night. I had free passes. What a waste! The effects are not nearly as good, it has some genetically engineered overgrown crocodile monster that kills the t-rex. It has a terrible (and unbelieveable) plot. DO NOT SPEND REAL $ ON THIS FILM.

JonKatz (3)

WheelDweller (108946) | more than 13 years ago | (#69222)

Does anyone else here watch "The Critic" on USA? I keep thinking "John Katz: I't stinks!" :) (No, in fact I have NO useful comment, aside from this attempt at humor, why?) Have a nice day, guys!

Episode Two (1)

zerocool^ (112121) | more than 13 years ago | (#69224)

I will be going to see planet of the apes.

and i plan to "bolt" before the movie starts.

Why? Planet of the Apes is the first movie to run the Star Wars: Episode Two trailer before the movie.


Planet of the Apes... (1)

Robber Baron (112304) | more than 13 years ago | (#69227)

I'll give it a shot, but it's not going to be the same without Charlton Heston screaming "DAMN YOU!" at the end...

I'm shocked! (1)

SpookComix (113948) | more than 13 years ago | (#69228)

For once, I actually agree with a Katz review. I saw Jurassic Park 3 at a pre-screening. It was SO LONG! It turns out, it's only about an hour and a half...but it felt like 3.

Katz is absolutely right about this one. If you've seen the first JP, and perhaps the second, you've already seen this movie. Same island as #2, same principles as #1, same dinos as both, except for one. They spray painted a few of the 'saurs to make them "different", then stretched the science to give the raptors "more abilities".And the soundtrack? C'mon! They just bought the CD from the first movie and had it playing in the background as the humans ran around being pursued by the dinos.

I didn't buy it. (Truly, I didn't pay for the ticket.) I suggest you don't either. Go rent #1 again. It's a better bang for your buck.


*cough cough* Memento (2)

GECK (122071) | more than 13 years ago | (#69231)

Well, What about Memento? That was a good movie... umm... okay, lord of the rings looks to be "okay" as well, if it will ever come out...

Garden of Eden Creation Kit

Katz didn't like Final Fantasy... (1)

Nameles (122260) | more than 13 years ago | (#69232)

...but he didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Maybe it's the same with America's Sweethart?

Give us some time.. (1)

kill_9_1 (123711) | more than 13 years ago | (#69233)

I'm not going to write about the opinions Katz expresses in his reviews. The problem I do have is the timing of these reviews. This site is designed to generate discussion about articles, news & in this case, movies. Wouldn't it make more sense to wait several weeks following the release of a movie before the review is posted so we the readers have more to offer than what were you expecting??

We can all turn to a local entertainment mag for reviews. What i want here is an environment where we can discuss what we've SEEN.

Re:Minutes into? How many minutes? (1)

Kristopher Johnson (129906) | more than 13 years ago | (#69237)

This is essentially what Ebert's review said. He gave it three stars, saying that it was a well-executed B-movie. Some of the action sequences are effective, and the plot (thin though it may be) moves along quickly. And at 90 minutes, it is one of the few movies of this summer that one wishes would be a little longer.

That's what I like about Ebert: he rates movies based upon reasonable expectations. He doesn't judge everything against Citizen Kane.

Re:Planet of the Apes (1)

fobbman (131816) | more than 13 years ago | (#69238)

Holy creeping zombie Jesus! Liberty is nothing but a freaking STATUTE? No wonder Dmitry is in jail.

I've figured it out... (1)

cliffiecee (136220) | more than 13 years ago | (#69242)

Jon Katz is becoming Mister Cranky [] .

Re:Do recent movies suck? (2)

bellings (137948) | more than 13 years ago | (#69243)

I can't remember a decent movie I've seen in the theater in the last year or two.

That's bullshit. Memento was a good movie. Crouching Tiger was interesting, and certainly qualifies as "decent". Princess Mononoke was pretty damned cool. LA Confidential was certainly worth watching. There have been a whole shitload of smaller releases that have been worth watching -- Buffalo '66 springs immediately to mind.

All this bullshit about how there are no good movies anymore bugs the crap out of me. There have always been a bucketload of crappy movies, and there have always been a few gems that stand out, against the odds.

But if you keep insisting on giving money to the people that make movies like Pearl Harbor, you're going to keep seeing movies like Pearl Harbor. I have very little sympathy for you.

Nope... (1)

J.C.B. (141141) | more than 13 years ago | (#69246)

The studio will never let the JP franchise get cheesy enough to become watchable. The cheese is what keeps Godzilla alive, take it away and you get a pile of crap like that one with Matthew Broderick.

Re:Movie thoughts (2)

e_lehman (143896) | more than 13 years ago | (#69247)

Movie: $10 for two hours. Totally passive.

Computer game: $50 for many tens of hours. Interactive. Increasingly social.

And I wonder if computer games now actually require more work to create than movies? (Diablo II vs. American Sweetharts, say?)

Re:Movies suck now. (5)

e_lehman (143896) | more than 13 years ago | (#69248)

Hollywood just has too few ideas in its collective mind:

  • Every movie must be set in New York or Los Angeles. If, by oversight, the setting is actually someplace else, then that someplace will be depicted as a New York or Los Angeles resident would imagine it. (Which is pretty much like New York or Los Angeles, but papered over with some shallow stereotypes.)
  • Everyone in every movie aspires to be famous, rich, powerful, and glamorous-- much like someone who goes to Los Angeles or New York to be in the movie industry. No one aspires to a stable job, a good family, and fun with friends. That's just dumb. Who would do that?
  • There must be a love interest. Middle of the Peal Harbor bombing? Love interest. Legal thriller? Love interest. Man struggling alone across Greenland icecap? Uh, flashbacks to love interest. And she meets him at the end. And seems him off. And, um, parachutes in briefly to resupply him.
  • At all key moments, viewers must be provided with unambiguous guidance on how to feel in the form of an overdone musical score.
  • A character that survives torture, escapes through a crocodile-infest swamp, and then blows up the enemy fortress must endure an artful dirt smudge on the cheek and a modestly torn shirt to indicate his or her travails. (Fortunately, there was a discount laundry/dry cleaner, not depicted, just outside the crocodile-infested swamp.)
  • The entire world constantly hangs by a thread, but everything Turns Out Okay in the end.
  • There are good guys, and there are bad guys. Moral ambiguity is right out. ("Well, gee, that 'bad guy' really kinda has a legitimate point there, when you think about it"-- NO! BAD! CUT-CUT-CUT!)
  • [insert your own here]

I've taken to watching foreign films. Subtitles are a drag, and I often miss cultural references, but at least there is some variety. And a foreign film has to really prove itself to get into Blockbuster. In contrast, it seems that worse an American film is, the more the studios hype it in order to compensate.

Re:The advert says... (2)

BadDoggie (145310) | more than 13 years ago | (#69249)

The TV commercials for Jurassic III take bits of the movie and not only re-arrange them out of sequence but out of context as well. The purpose of this, of course, is to make the movie seem more exiting than it really is.

...which is why I wish to Wotan they'd let the people who make trailers edit the whole damned film to begin with.

Did Michael Crichton have anything to do at all with this film, the third consecutive rape of what started off as a pretty good novel? I mean besides the "based on the book" credit.


Pity the Europeans who will get these films a few months later, badly overdubbed.

Memento! (1)

stego (146071) | more than 13 years ago | (#69250)

and if you want some good Ed Norton, go rent American History X...

hmm (5)

Docrates (148350) | more than 13 years ago | (#69251)

Anybody dumb enough to get on that island again deserves what he gets

And anybody dumb enough to go see that movie deserves what he gets...

Honestly, didn't you know what to expect when you went to see it? I did, I knew exactly what I was gonna get, and that's what I got. No more No less. But at least I'm not complaining...

Pleasantville (1)

Fishstick (150821) | more than 13 years ago | (#69252)

Only film I remember her in was Pleasantville opposite Toby McGuire.

Pretty sure she wasn't in Clueless.


Movie thoughts (2)

KaiserSoze (154044) | more than 13 years ago | (#69258)

Allright, without going too far off the deep end, I have got to scream out that movies suck. period. Seriously, does the MPAA expect me to spend up to $10 to go see one of the following films?

  • America's Sweethearts: I was always under the impression that 'romantic comedies' were a genre of film that was quite formulaic, in that they were about some schmuck (be it guy or girl) who wanted to go out with some other schmuck who was already attached to someone. We get real sad that poor Blah isn't going to end up with his/her true love, but many music montages later, they end up in love. Hoo-hah. Now you want me to go see a movie where the characters are Hollywood stars and their secretaries, and you want me to feel sorry for them? As if I should care about the lives of two (even fictional) Hollywood people and their love problems(heh, whereas I do care about dinosaurs overunning a small island off the coast of Costa Rica. touche.) I'm sorry, I know movies are about transporting us to this magical land, but with the whole point of the movie to be we feel sorry for the characters, this one loses me a bit.
  • Jurassic Park III: This is the story of the movie studio that went to the well one too many times without a sturdy bucket. In fact, I don't even think the writers had a bucket. I think they may have been using cheese cloth and vegetable strainers. There was so much potential for the Jurassic Park series. As the first book ended, the dinosaurs were last seen headed for the mainland. You could have set JP movies in the South American rainforest, or even the American Southwest, and had a more believable movie than sending another group of retards to the island and land their damn plane there!! Ah well, as McTeague once said, "Art can go no further!"
  • Final Fantasy: Another movie like the Jurassic Park sequels, in that it had so much going for it, they could work with so many different subplots of the greater FF storyline. They could have had Summoners, Ninjas, Wizards, Moogles (well maybe not the last one). The point is they decided to focus on no real creatures, no exotic weapons (c'mon, those things were just laser guns, I want to see a bio-rifle that shoots out a green cloud while going 'WHAA-OOO-WAA-OOO-WAA-OOO'), and no magic or summoning per se (you could consider Aki's little show either, but don't kid yourself). In fact, the ONLY thing I noticed that was remotely in connection with the games was the earth Gaia, that was straight outta FF7. Overall, I wasn't too disappointed, because I had seen the reviews in advance, and my expectations were pretty low. In fact, the animation was even better than I was expecting, even as the plot almost made my brain melt [why would that retarded general keep firing that gun even when it said it was going to explode? if he wanted to get his revenge, why in the hell wouldn't he just lay off and let the gun recharge so he could keep firing full strength?].

These are some probably off-base trains of thought, but I just woke up, so please excuse my insanity.

Re:Editorial Bias? (1)

bonzoesc (155812) | more than 13 years ago | (#69259)

He liked Tomb Raider, which nobody else thought was a good movie. He's starting to seem like a troll with an Operator account.

Tell me what makes you so afraid
Of all those people you say you hate

From the looks of things... (3)

bonzoesc (155812) | more than 13 years ago | (#69260)

...the MPAA is screwing themselves over with shitty movies, so we don't have to do it by watching them after buying them. I guess I'll just goof around with my 8-year-old camcorder rather than fork over $8 to see a movie I've seen before.

Tell me what makes you so afraid
Of all those people you say you hate

Editorial Bias? (1)

Jester998 (156179) | more than 13 years ago | (#69261)

I'm beginning to think that JonKatz hates all forms of popular media... I can't recall a single movie of late that he hasn't started off by saying "this movie sucks". Is this because the movies really do suck (I'm not much of a moviegoer personally), or is this editorial bias kicking in?
Is this maybe a strike back against the MPAA, in order to make us Slashdotters believe that all movies suck and we shouldn't "waste" our money by supporting the MPAA? Now, I agree that the MPAA is evil, but don't bash the products if they really are good entertainment!
- Jester

JP3 wasnt that bad... (2)

Rackemup (160230) | more than 13 years ago | (#69262)

I watched JP3 the other day and I didnt think it was that bad, but maybe I just like seeing big dinosaurs chase stupid people (apparently so do many other people since they're already talking about a JP4).

I admit, the first dino scene with the plane did look kinda cheesy (it was obvious that was an animatronic dino instead of CGI) but I thought the bird-cage and some of the raptor scenes were done pretty well. Maybe they should've thrown a Compy attack in for good measure, but I went to the theatre to see dinosaurs and that's what I got. Long ago I discovered that turning off the logical part of your brain while watching a movie is the only sure way to have a good time.

Katz shouldn't be bashing a movie after only seeing the first few minutes, that's like reading the first 2 pages in a book and saying the plotline was terrible. If you dont like dinosaurs, please go rot your brain in another Reese Witherspoon movie.

P.S. If the spineosaurus had run out onto the airstrip and eaten Tea Leoni in the first 10 minutes of the movie I would've paid to see it on a regular-fare night instead of a cheap-night... god she's annoying.

Minutes into the demonstration (1)

G Neric (176742) | more than 13 years ago | (#69267)

you're right. Think of it this way, if Jon and Jamie and Timothy left the demonstrations in Genoa "minutes into" them, they would never have written us inciteful/insightful commentary on what it was like in the Dante's Hellmouth where peaceful protesters are being killed in the streets by vicious jackbooted ... hey wait a minute... what are these guys doing? going to the movies? surfing space sites... wow! what dedication.


plot holes [spoilers] (1)

Syn404 (179434) | more than 13 years ago | (#69270)

Indeed, I noticed that no one in the choppers shot down those dinosaurs when they were heading away from the island. If they don't have the range to make it to Costa Rica, they could easily accomplish that through island hopping. I don't think they were Quetzalcoatlus, though; they seemed too small for that. They looked more like Pteranodons to me.

About the phone, I was wondering why it wasn't digested. Or as someone pointed out to me, when it was fully underwater, it died. Saliva should do the trick as well. Or maybe stomach acid. I don't see any way for the phone to continue working after it is swallowed by a dinosaur.

As for Eric, surviving 8 weeks should have been impossible. Consider this: On the same path Eric took, Alan Gray was attacked by dinosaurs at least once, and they would have killed him, if not for Eric. Eric, taking that path, should have been attacked as well, especially if it's a common territory for velociraptors. I don't see how he was able to make it to safety at all in that time, and I'd consider that fairly unrealistic [although I do understand that it theoretically *could* happen].

Final point, not exactly a plot hole, but I absolutely do not like how all the dinosaurs looked and sounded different from the other 2 movies. It reminds me a lot of the comparison between the Star Wars trilogy and Episode 1. It just seems wrong to start using new technology in the middle of a set of movies.

..And why didn't JP3 have a title? Or maybe a better question would be, why did Lost World have a title? (:


Sweethearts: made for hollywood, by hollywood. (2)

cvd6262 (180823) | more than 13 years ago | (#69273)

Steve Oldfield, an Emmy-winning entertainment reporter agreed to a cameo in "Sweethearts" after he read the script and saw that it was all about making fun of real-life hollywood. He thought that this could be a blast, but admitted that the average joe, who didn't even know what a junket was, would probably be left out.

Apparently, the studio got word of this, or talked to someone of the same opinion, and changed the script after the shooting was done. They removed most of what Crystal had wanted to movie to be about and tried to repackage it as what it is.

So it's little wonder that it failed, regardless of the casting.

Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back! (1)

funky49 (182835) | more than 13 years ago | (#69275)

This summer season of movies does suck.. except for the Fast and the Furious (the Top Gun of car movies!) and the upcoming Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back! Shrek was good too.

What has the MPAA done now? (5)

martyb (196687) | more than 13 years ago | (#69277)

Minutes into Jurassic Park III, the movie I'd planned to review, I lost it. [...] So I bolited

Bolited? Hmmm, the closest word to this that I could find was:

bolide n : a very luminous meteor (sometimes exploding) [syn: fireball]

Heh. Image comes to mind of a new MPAA video content protection scheme: critics who don't like a film are caused to explode, thus acting as a warning to others... would YOU want to copy a film that might make you blow up, to? :)

Katz is a little too bitter.... (1)

dfenstrate (202098) | more than 13 years ago | (#69281)

This guy doesn't like anything, does he?
Jurrasic Park 3 certainley wasn't original, but it definatley was entertaining- there's something to be said for a movie that's just a good time, and nothing more. Do we need to break new ground with every flic, and have each be of the highest art? No. Often, as long as it's fun to watch, thats good enough. As usual, don't listen to Katz, go see Jurrasic Park three, it's fun.
Incidentally, The Fast and the Furious is also a dumb movie, but worth the $8, 'cause it's entertaining.
Final Fantasy was a good movie if you enjoy Sci-fi AND fantasy, and was wonderful eye-candy.
Perhaps we can have Hemos, or CmdTaco do the movie reviews. Katz seems to hate everything, so why bother reading his reviews?

Hey, I've got an Idea... (1)

dfenstrate (202098) | more than 13 years ago | (#69282)

Since most Katz-Bot articles are mostly the same "Movie Reviews: They all sucked. Oh yeah, I ripped off the theater in the process" or "Technology: this article completely forgets that technological solutions don't apply to social problems," why don't we replace Katz with a full time copy editor?

Find someone technologically inclined with a bachelors in English, so we can avoid brilliant front page errors like "So I bolited, skipped illegally across the hallways of the megaplex" (which is only a step above writing in l33t-sp34k). Make the guy/gal a copy editor, and proof read all the articles posted. Maybe they can even write intelligent articles once in a while, because we certainly can't get much worse.

Here's another clue for you all (1)

T1girl (213375) | more than 13 years ago | (#69285)

Maybe Katz (no relation) was thinking of Gwyneth Paltrow in Emma, the Jane Austen novel on which Clueless was based.

BTW, Reese Witherspoon stole the show in her 1991 film debut, The Man in the Moon.

The advert says... (4)

jamesots (214246) | more than 13 years ago | (#69286)

The TV trailer says "Different island, different monsters..." and should end my saying "same film".

Lame (1)

SpunOne (222681) | more than 13 years ago | (#69288)

If you haven't seen JP3 yet, and you want to actually read a real review of the movie and not the stupid shit that Jon Katz likes to spew out, then check out Roger Ebert's [] review. I think his review of JP3 is very well done.

Planet of the apes?.... (5)

3-State Bit (225583) | more than 13 years ago | (#69289)

Personally, the movie I've been waiting for all summer is coming out next week -- the re-make of Planet Of The Apes.
....I think I'll wait for the musical.

Snippets follow, curtesy of the simpsons. The broadway show has now been in preparation for I don't know how many years! I can't wait for it to come out!

"Dr. Zaius"

Ape: Help, the human's about to escape.
Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
Ape: [gasping] He can talk!

Apes: [in unison, rythmed] He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk

Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

[funky beat of "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing]

Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me Dr. Zaius!
Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Oh... Dr. Zaius
Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

Troy: What's wrong with me?
Zaius: I think you're crazy.
Troy: Want a second opinion.
Zaius: You're also lazy.

Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

[one ape starts breakdancing]

Oh... Dr. Zaius
Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
Zaius: Of course you can.
Troy: Well I couldn't before!

[plays piano]

"You'll Never Make a Monkey Out of Me"

Troy: [singing] I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No, you'll never make a monkey out of me

Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth all along

You've finally made a monkey
Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey
Troy: Yes, you've finally made a monkey out of me
Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey out of you

Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!



hound3000 (238628) | more than 13 years ago | (#69296)

I went to go see Jurassic Park III a couple days ago.

Less action than JP2, but thankfully a couple less glaring plot holes.

Hearing a phone from inside a dinosaur's belly, and again in his excrement pile later is a really far fetch. None so much as a T-Rex getting out, eating shipmates, and returning to his pin though...

If you want to computer animate dinosaurs again for your movie, please try to get a better shuttle to the screen than Jurassic Park again Hollywood.

Sheesh, we only saw the 'Park' proper in the first film... But no, you had to release dinosaurs at the end of this movie to threaten us about a forth. I assume those were Quetzalcoatlus'? []

Re:*cough cough* Memento (1)

jokrswild (247507) | more than 13 years ago | (#69299)

LOTR is going to come out at christmas this year, The Two Towers next xmas, and Return of the King the following. It's been announced like this forever, so don't worry. It WILL come out. Nathan

Re:Minutes into? How many minutes? (1)

dat00ket (249468) | more than 13 years ago | (#69300)

"This movie could have kicked ass, but you'll never know if you left "minutes" into it."

It didn't though. But it wasn't really a kick in the nuts either. No worse than I thought it would be.

Anyone who went to see Jurassic Park 3 expecting a movie experience that included more than pretty dinosaurs must have been in serious denial. I mean what the hell did you expect? "Oooh, a second sequel to a cheezy dinosaur movie! Break out the oscars!"

It's a special effects movie, and people should have known that going in. Just accept it for what it is.
________________________________________________ __

Re:Editorial Bias? (3)

baptiste (256004) | more than 13 years ago | (#69303)

I can't recall a single movie of late that he hasn't started off by saying "this movie sucks"

Funny - I don't recall him saying that about any of the 3 movies he reviewed above. In fact I thought he gave well thought out commentary on the movies (even if he got his blondes confused) Face it - JP3 does suck. But he bailed on a crappy movie to see three others, two of which he generally seemed to like and didn't use the word suck anywhere in the review. So is it Jon that's biased against movies or you who are biased against Jon?

IMHO I'm glad he reviewed these movies instead of JP3 cuase everyone knew it was gonna suck anyway :)

Anyone notice (1)

Husaria (262766) | more than 13 years ago | (#69304)

That katz lately has said he walked out the theatre or has been tempted to? Is this because so he doesn't have to write a review, doesn't feel like seeing it? Or that the movies are truly horrible?

Agree with all except Planet of the Apes (1)

totallygeek (263191) | more than 13 years ago | (#69305)

I really don't think that Planet of the Apes will be that great. In the original you had the struggle against the religion of the apes that humans could not talk, were not chosen by the gods, and did not have a soul. Only to find out that in the end, a doll proved otherwise from an archeological dig. And, later, Taylor finds the hand from the Statue of Liberty.

I don't know what this one will bring, but doubt that it has the depth of the original.

Re:He's right about Legaly Blonde. (1)

totallygeek (263191) | more than 13 years ago | (#69306)

I guess this shows how bad Final Fantasy must be, I had not even noticed it was out yet.

I do not understand why the studios want to promote movies so far in advance... I mean, I just saw the Spiderman trailer. It will come out this time NEXT year. By the time Lord of the Rings comes, I doubt I will be pumped to see it.

Nice Example, Katz (5)

dasmegabyte (267018) | more than 13 years ago | (#69308)

How are we supposed to attack the presiding notion of Free Software and Peer to Peer as being havens for social agitators and communists if we've got movie swiping criminals like Katz speaking for us?

Way to set back the movement, JK. Couldn't you just have accepted the lame dinosaurs and toughed it out???

He's right about Legaly Blonde. (2)

glrotate (300695) | more than 13 years ago | (#69309)

It's sad when this is the best movie I've seen this summer. Both AI and FF were tediously boring.

Re:Planet of the Apes... (1)

EpsCylonB (307640) | more than 13 years ago | (#69311)

I agree, the ending of POTA is a classic and certainly one of the best in the history of cinema.

On the other hand Tim Burton seems confident in the interviews I've seen and he is very talented. Anyone know when it is released in the UK ?.


Re:Katz is a little too bitter.... (2)

tb3 (313150) | more than 13 years ago | (#69320)

Movie reviewers tend to get jaded, after having to review at least one movie a week. I've got a friend who does movie reviews for radio, and he's so jaded, he hates almost everything.

Some of it has to do with the fact that he has to review a major release every week, and sometimes the only major release is a complete turkey.

I think reviewers (unless they're karma whores, see the Flithy Critic) just get sick and tired of all the crap they have to watch.

Re:Katz - All your opinions are belong to you (2)

tb3 (313150) | more than 13 years ago | (#69321)

Oh, please, don't give them any ideas. All the studios do these days is shoot sequels and re-makes, and the re-make of "The Wages of Fear" was god-awful.

I jokingly predicted the remake of "Rollerball" and was horrified to hear they were actually releasing it this summer.

Some bright spark in Hoolywood is going to re-make "The Third Man", in a comtemporary setting, starring either Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise. On that day I will have to hurt someone.

Clueless jonkatz (5)

jparp (316662) | more than 13 years ago | (#69323)

If jonkatz is getting paid to write these junior high school calibre reviews, then you guys need to seriously consider finding someone else. First, his jurassic park III "review" was a cop-out, (you can't just leave and say it sucked) His sloppy rants lack accuracy (ie, the witherspoon/clueless screw up)any kind of insight, and are void of any valid arguments. How old is he, twelve? i'm all for personal opinion, but if you're gonna post on a good page, you should at least use/have some skill.

"it was a dark and stormy night"

Planet Of The Apes (1)

TargetBoy (322020) | more than 13 years ago | (#69326)

Did they finish editing the movie yet?

Last I heard there had been a helluva lot of last minute scrambling around that movie.

Doesn't usually bode well.

Oh, and Final Fantasy is one of the better, accessable, pieces of anime I've seen. I can't wait to watch the subtitled Japanese version of the story that wasn't dumbed down for Americans.

I fear for the future of this country if so many people had trouble following the plot of a fairly straightforward anime.

Re:Planet Of The Apes (1)

TargetBoy (322020) | more than 13 years ago | (#69327)

I find it quite funny that a so-called member of Mensa like yourself would so totally misunderstand what I wrote.

Let me translate it for you:

American version of Final Fantasy was too simple.

I would like to see the original version that was NOT dumbed down.

Did lowly ogg translate grunt speech well enough for big-brain?

Re:Nice Example, Katz (5)

Waffle Iron (339739) | more than 13 years ago | (#69332)

This particular form of intellectual property theft has been going on since the first duplex theater was opened. The politicians probably have warm fuzzy memories if sneaking into movies when they were kids; it's as American as apple pie. Hence, no reason to create special new laws like the DMCA to stamp out the perpetrators.

sneaking into movie == clever kid
watching DVD in wrong region == felon

America's Sweethearts (1)

Shant3030 (414048) | more than 13 years ago | (#69334)

Hank Azaria, who plays a Spanish actor and Catherine Zeta-Jones' love interest. stole the show and is worth seeing because of him. For eye candy, you can peep Catherine-Zeta Jones and Julia Roberts. Worth the free movie pass I used to see this flick.

Re:The advert says... (1)

rudy_wayne (414635) | more than 13 years ago | (#69335)

The movie studios are up to their old tricks. The TV commercials for Jurassic III take bits of the movie and not only re-arrange them out of sequence but out of context as well. The purpose of this, of course, is to make the movie seem more exiting than it really is.

Re:Agree with all except Planet of the Apes (1)

rudy_wayne (414635) | more than 13 years ago | (#69336)

The "new" Planet of the Apes is just another exanmple of Hollywood's totally lack of creativity. Instead of something new and original, we get a remake of a movie that was done 3o years ago ......... with better special effects.

duh... (1)

President of The US (443103) | more than 13 years ago | (#69338)

What was he expecting -- "Schindler's List" with dinosaurs? The Jurassic park series is simply the heir apparent to Godzilla movies. Lots of action, cool FX, fun to watch, fairly easy to forget. You know what you're getting. The preview says it all -- which trailer did Jon watch?

Re:hmm (1)

Francis Frisina (447570) | more than 13 years ago | (#69339)

Anybody dumb enough to get on that island again deserves what he gets And anybody dumb enough to go see that movie deserves what he gets...

Did either of you actually pay attention while you were in the theater? The third movie takes place on a DIFFERENT island than the first. You should pay more attention to facts before you go pointing fingers - especially you, Katz.

Planet of the Apes (2)

idonotexist (450877) | more than 13 years ago | (#69341)

has got to be the most successful (appealing to the masses and monetarily) movie of the year. While young, I grew up watching countless reruns of Planet of the Apes --- hell, my first view of the Statute of Liberty was in Planet of the Apes. Destroyed, of course. But, it was my first image of the statute.

Review of Jurassic Suck 3 (5)

JBowz15 (451573) | more than 13 years ago | (#69342)

This movie has us believe that raptors aren't just intelligent, they're super intelligent - smarter than primates...even smarter than Sam Neill! (Definitely smarter than the screenwriters.) Weren't they just "clever" in the first movie? Now they all gather and confer before killing someone. At this rate, by JP4 they'll all be using Debian Linux, wearing monocles and twirling mustaches: "Well, Dr. Grant, we meet again. You shan't escape me a third time!"

Re:Minutes into? How many minutes? (1)

AtariKee (455870) | more than 13 years ago | (#69343)

I dunno.... 25 minutes into Charlie's Angels, I figured out that getting in my car and driving to see the movie was on par with just taking the $8 I spent and wiping my ass with it.

Grrr! (1)

Purple_Walrus (457070) | more than 13 years ago | (#69344)

OK, look! Jurasic Park has dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are fun! Legally Blonde has dumb chicks! Those are not fun!

Eat my nuts, Witherspoon! GRRRR!!!

Movie should be called ERIC (1)

MuthaFukka (458599) | more than 13 years ago | (#69347)

cos that's the most, ah, bellowed word throughout.
ERIC (through bullhorn) ERIC eric
erIC EriC E*R*I*C eriC
eric eric eric ErIc ERIc eric eric

speilberg's dialog is even more retarded than
usual, which seems impossible considering how
stupid it was in the last movie.

i'd have liked this movie more if it had no
dialog at all.

whatever (1)

obi327 (458822) | more than 13 years ago | (#69348)

personally, i think you are all fools for leaving the movie. while it is just a spinoff mini-story on the first movie, it was better than the 2nd one. also, in a movie like that, who cares about the plot? its all about ILM and SkywalkerSound.

Re:What has the MPAA done now? (1)

nailchipper (461706) | more than 13 years ago | (#69350)

i think he meant bolted.
bolted: slang term for leaving fast.

-thoughts before posting:
damn.. i read the word outloud so much its starting not to make sense.. damn i hate when that happens....
bolted rite? bolted...bolt. lighting bolt... leaving like lighting bolt.. i hope i make sense.

Editorial Effort [Re:Witherspoon in Clueless?] (5)

UberOogie (464002) | more than 13 years ago | (#69352)

I'm not one to get on the bandwagon of naysaying the site, but exactly how long would it have taken Katz to go to the IMDB to check this fact if he wasn't positive of its veracity?

Fifteen seconds? Twenty?

I've worked in publishing. People get fired every day for making mistakes less than this.

It is just shoddy.

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