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Interplay Targeted By Bioware-fare

michael posted more than 12 years ago | from the neverpublished-nights dept.

Games 215

corby writes: "Bioware Corp., developer of the highly anticipated multiplayer Dungeons & Dragons game Neverwinter Nights, is escalating the conflict with their troubled publisher Interplay. In September, they filed a lawsuit against the publisher, and now they have terminated their contract with Interplay to distribute Neverwinter Nights. The problem is, these guys need each other. The loss of Neverwinter Nights means that Interplay will lose out on substantial revenue from a surefire hit, but Interplay is apparently the only company with rights to distribute games under the AD&D license."

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215 comments

fp (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642296)

fp

Re:fp (-1, Offtopic)

Syrcam (540030) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642303)

Dammit.... Maybe another day

All your base are belong to us. (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642299)

All your base are belong to us.

Re:All your base are belong to us. (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642319)

no, it all belongs me to me you fucking bastard!! i ought to kick your fucking ass


ubc engineers suck ass.

UBC engineers do not suck ass (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642325)

They roxor

Re:UBC engineers do not suck ass (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642346)

they roxor each other's loose anals every night.


reasons why ubc engineers suck [goatse.cx]

Re:All your base are belong to us. (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642338)

what you say !!

Re:All your base are belong to us. (-1)

propstoalldeadhomiez (444303) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642386)

Shutup and go play with Ms. Portman.

Jesus chirst (-1, Redundant)

Breakfast Pants (323698) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642302)

you scared the shit outta me with that headline. and now I'm more scared - neverwinternights is in jeopardy!

Re:Jesus chirst (1)

Dynastar454 (174232) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642323)

Despite how redundent this post is going to be in about 5 minutes, I have to add my 2 cents: I think Slashdot editors are actually pretty decent, despite their love for types, but that headline IS crazy.

First post! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642306)


Just so happens, this is the first post!

WTF is with that title? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642307)

Umm, eactly what does the article title have in common with the content?

Re:WTF is with that title? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642405)

"Interplay" and, uh...

...the four spaces in the headline?

...they're both on Slashdot [slashdot.org] .

Yeah.

Re:WTF is with that title? (1)

McDrewbie (530348) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642517)

Interplay, the game publisher, is being targeted (in a lawsuit) by Bioware (the game developer)-fare

Crap headline again? (2, Offtopic)

rosewood (99925) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642308)

... yet another example of crappy headlines! That title was just used to feed off the current thoughts of bio-terrorism. Bah I say to yee.

Misleading headline (1, Troll)

SumDeusExMachina (318037) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642309)

Please, in these times of terrorists sending anthrax through the US Postal system, it is considered at least poor taste to joke about game developers being hit by biological warfare.

Re:Misleading headline (0, Troll)

wrinkledshirt (228541) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642401)

...it is considered at least poor taste to joke about game developers being hit by biological warfare.

Unless it's John Romero.

Bleah bleah bleah freedom of expression and all that...

Re:Misleading headline (2, Insightful)

Chasuk (62477) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642476)

Another obvious and trite comment posted by the humorless, and modded up by the same.

It took a quarter second for my eyes to move from the headline to the article, during which time I did not succumb to a panic attack or suffer overwhelming confusion.

Should I infer from your post that you believe most Slashdot readers are thin-skinned and stupid?

Re:Misleading headline (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642523)

You didn't read the original headline. They changed it, which kind of invalidates the parent comment, but it's what affected the change. The original headline was:

Interplay Targeted by Bio-warfare

Re:Misleading headline (1)

dramaley (20773) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642493)

Humor is not in poor taste, it is one mechanism humans use for dealing with stress.

Re:Misleading headline (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642537)

Well, it looks like michael has come to his senses, and changed the headline slightly. of course, he makes no mention of it and there's no update tag either.

nice "editing" there michael. if only used used some common sense to begin with.

Well, there is alwasys Open Source (1)

Vardamir (266484) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642310)

Surely it is legal to distribute an Open Source AD&D game?

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (2, Informative)

vondo (303621) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642331)

Surely it's not. AD&D is a trademark owned by Wizards of the Coast (formerly TSR).

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642369)

There is the d20/OGL (Open Gaming License) thingamabob... Do a google search, you'll find it.


However, I think a core component of it is that everything bearing the logo (with an exception of the recent WotC Star Wars rpg) must require access to the core rule books (The AD&D 3rd Edition PHB, DMG, and often MM).


The analogy would be open source projects that were linked to a non-free library. sure, you can download the software, but it won't work without the lib.


Note that there is a 'system reference document' that can somewhat fill in for the phb, dmg, and mm books, although it's not really meant for that. it's essentially a stripped down version of the ruleset with no background material or example text, just the bare rules.


Interesting concept, even if it is an attempt to make sure the core D&D rulebooks sell well.

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642344)

As long as you don't call it AD&D and don't completely copy AD&D, yes. Then it's just another OS RPG.

If you want to make an exact copy of AD&D and call it GNU/AD&D, expect to get sued. A lot.

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (1)

matrix29 (259235) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642525)

Whatever happened to GURPS (bad acronym)?

Sword & Sorcery covers it. Just swap with synonyms and you've got a lawsuit-free game system.

Ergo:
Blades & Magic
Swords & Spells
Knights & Summoning
Kings & Casting
Princess & Necromancy
Might & Magic (oops, someone beat me to it).

Legally, they CAN use "Based on the AD&D role-playing system" as a blurb. Heck, there's plenty of fantasy-play systems which could be used in place of the AD&D layout. The DIABLO play system is gaining rapid popularity and it's not the only one.

Open Gaming Foundationg (2, Informative)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642349)

http://www.opengamingfoundation.org
http://www.opengamingfoundation.org/srd.html

The second link is to the SYSTEM REFERENCE DOCUMENT for D20/DnD. It contain's most of the content from the Players Handbook, Dungeon Masters Guide, Monsters Manual I, and the Psionics Handbook.

Re:Open Gaming Foundationg (2, Informative)

taion (304184) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642363)

To add to this, the license under which the D20 SRD has been released is the Open Gaming License, available here [opengamingfoundation.org] on the OGF site.

This license gives fairly broad rights to most people willing to build upon the d20 ruleset, almost certainly including non-commercial games, but IANAL, so don't take my word on it.

Re:Open Gaming Foundationg (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642370)

The OGL Licence strictly forbids the creation of Interactive Software (games).

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (1)

Drakin (415182) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642480)

Likely not. The opensource d20 license AFAIK doesn't extend to products like computer games.

Big issue would be the setting anyway. The Forgotten Realms is not under the d20 license, so Wizards' lawyers could have a field day.

Re:Well, there is alwasys Open Source (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642529)

Right. Bioware is going to spend Millions of dollars on development and then just give it away for free. I'm glad to see everyone is living in the real world here.

D&D Nitpicking (5, Informative)

taion (304184) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642311)

AD&D is generally taken to refer to the second edition Dungeons & Dragons Rules.

Neverwinter Nights will be based on the 3rd edition D&D rules (D&D3e), which is different from AD&D.

A link to the 3rd Edition System Reference Document with all the core rules released to the Open Gaming Foundation (including Psionics!) may be found here [opengamingfoundation.org] .

Re:D&D Nitpicking (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642382)

You my friend will never ever have sex.

Re:D&D Nitpicking (2)

leucadiadude (68989) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642508)

This thread reminded me of the Simpson's episode where Homer is in the fallout shelter when a nuetron bomb hits Sprinfield and at ground zero is the arrogantly cynical, obese, comics reading, DnD playing geek. At the last second the geek sighs and says "I've wasted my life." ***BOOM!!***

Re:D&D Nitpicking (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642555)

your comment reminds me of all the simpsons fans who are in the same category as DnD fans.

cheers

Re:D&D Nitpicking (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642589)

Ha! I have successfully rolled a 20 against your curse!

You need to make a saving throw to see if the curse bounces back to you, hahahahaha!

Re:D&D Nitpicking (1)

TMacPhail (519256) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642514)

The reason they are commonly associated with the second edition rules is that the second edition rule set lasted so long. They still have claim over the third edition rule set as well.

Re:D&D Nitpicking (1)

elandal (9242) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642560)

I would say that AD&D refers to Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, both first and second edition. Remember that Dungeons and Dragons usually refers to the D&D boxed sets edition, while theoretically some oldskoolers may use it to refer to the earlier pamphlets (I wouldn't call them "books" as such).

I haven't actually played AD&D 2nd ed but a few times, but have spent a lot of time using D&D boxed set / AD&D 1st ed hybrids.. I'm not oldskool enough to have played D&D original - I started with the boxed set edition (red box: Basic Set (levels 1-3, dungeons only); blue box: Expert Set (levels 4-14, outdoors); cyan box: Companion Set (levels 15-25, castles and stuff); black box: Master Set (levels 26-36, kingdoms and stuff); and was it gold box: Immortal Set?).

I have heard that the AD&D 3rd ed is pretty different from 2nd ed, though. But, AD&D 2nd ed definitely was not D&D second edition, as it's so that D&D still had Dave Arneson listed as authors, while AD&D first ed dropped him and had just Gygax. AD&D 2nd ed is considered by TSR (does the name still exist, or are they now WotC?) "a different game from the first edition" which allowed them to drop Gygax from the list of authors and, more importantly, stop paying royalties to Gygax as well as stop having to listen his whining. The same Gygax did to Arneson with AD&D originally..

Re:D&D Nitpicking (1)

isoteareth (321937) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642564)

Who modded this to this up to 5, and why?

Would have been a more clever headline... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642318)

Had they said 'Biowarefare'...

Re:Would have been a more clever headline... (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642366)

Wouldn't be much better. Remember, half the people here don't even read the article, so they'd probably just think Taco (all Slashdot editors are named Taco, except for Timmah and Katzbot) screwed up again.

Bio Warfare = Irresponsible Headlining (0, Troll)

perdida (251676) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642321)

I saunter into Slashdot and what do I see, a bio-warfare threat! I am alarmed and wait for the rest of the article to load.. looky here, it's a stupid lawsuit.

Slashdot's not a yellow journalism zone (or is it) and shouldn't use such titles. People have been dying from bio warfare.

Re:Bio Warfare = Irresponsible Headlining (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642384)

lawsuits are MORE dangerous than biowarfare.

Re:Bio Warfare = Irresponsible Headlining (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642394)

Yes people have been dying from bio-warfare.

Three of them.

More people died in traffic accidents in the time it took to type your post.

how irrelevant do you have to appear before you are satisfied.

To the 'legal' keylogging trojan on my pc I say " KILL G DUBYAH"

TROLLL???? (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642441)

What the hell?

Just great (4, Informative)

serps (517783) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642324)

When Hasbro bought out Wizards of the Coast and sold off their rights to D&D computer games, you could see something like this eventually happening. Wizards had a 'Mastertools' program under development which was designed to remove all the bookkeeping tedium of handling a campaign. Once the license was transferred to Interplay, WotC had to gut the project to ensure compliance. I wish them all the best against Interplay.

MasterTools (2)

taion (304184) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642347)

MasterTools has not been "gutted". It's still in active development, and seems to be on track for release in the first quarter of 2002.

In fact, Ryan Dancey posted updated info [wizards.com] regarding the project just two days ago on the WotC Message Boards.

Re:MasterTools (3)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642367)

MasterTools HAS been gutted. They have removed the ability to play DnD online over the internet among other things (very limited prestige class support, no support at launch for anything other than the PHB, DMG and MM. I know they promise support for the add ons in the future but look how they support the Forgotten Realms Atlas, the have patch 3 for it but they haven't released it yet because the web team at WoTC won't be able to add a link to is before the end of the YEAR.)

Re:MasterTools (2)

AlterEd (67760) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642395)

They have removed the ability to play DnD online over the internet

Whoopeedoo. MasterTools wasn't originally conceived as a game. It was only ever supposed to be a set of tools for F2F gaming management. Just because some yahoo at WotC thought it'd be "neat" if you could play online doesn't mean it was a good idea or even something Wizards/Fluid *ever* had any legal right to do.

As far as the functionality of the program being so limited, chalk that one up to the yahoos at WotC wasting Fluid's time with feature bloat. Now they've come too far to scrap the project, but Hasbro isn't going to budget any more money for development unless and until they see this as a profitable endeavor. *IF* and only if people actually buy MT, then it'll be supported and expanded. As it is, they're way late on delivering this to the marketplace.

Had they focused on the original concept, not only would the thing be out by now, it'd be an awesome utility.

Re:MasterTools (1)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642419)

I am not talking about playing the computer I am talking about the original stated goal of having the ability to pay DnD 3e over the net with a Human DM and Human players.

Something like OpenRPG (OpenRpg.Org) but with better graphics.

Re:MasterTools (1)

AlterEd (67760) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642446)

I am not talking about playing the computer

No! Really?

I am talking about the original stated goal of having the ability to pay DnD 3e over the net with a Human DM and Human players.

That was NEVER supposed to be what MasterTools was for. Wizards never had the rights to develop that sort of program.

Besides, there's no reason why you couldn't do 3e over the net with MT the way it was originally conceived and IRC.

Re:MasterTools (1)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642579)

They why was that feature green lighted, developed and advertised as a feature???

As to playing it over the net as is, no you cant. The combat features will not be network aware.

They've already cut back Neverwinter Nights... (4, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642329)

If you haven't heard, the editing tools (the part of NWN most people thought was nifty) were already stripped from the Non-Windowes versions. Talk was made of including them later, but...


Stated reason was difficulty breaking them from an MS framework. Seems like a designer fubared by choosing that framework to begin with, huh?

Re:They've already cut back Neverwinter Nights... (0, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642481)

Cross-platform toolkits are generally ass. They're only suitable for when you HAVE to make things running across platforms. They're either compromised on all but one platform or all platforms equally. Not surprising, considering how monumental the task is. And before you scream "SDL!" realize that this is a game editor, not a game.

So no, I think it was no mistake. There's still no cross-platform API worth the trouble.

Re:They've already cut back Neverwinter Nights... (5, Interesting)

LMCBoy (185365) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642540)

As I understand it, they designed the Toolset with Borland C++ Builder. They were expecting Borland to have a Linux version of this product (not Kylix), but it never materialized. However, the fact that they used BCB means a Mac version was never in the works...

amen (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642541)

regardless of personal preference of OS's, it is a foolish decision to ever design a non-abstracted and modular framework today. Using propietary messaging and rendering protocols is only for a quick fix solution. To be scalable and maintainable in the long run, you have gotta design in a open fashion. If from there you have one instance of a windows design, then fine. You will not have to back up and reinvent the wheel to make a crossplatform version (or other platform specific version).

The other side of this, is that the open source community needs to work harder towards having consistent and uniform architectures and coding practices. Otherwise it is only making the very same mistake as that other rather large software company we all love and adore!

Re:They've already cut back Neverwinter Nights... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642562)

If you compare sales for non-winx games versus winx games, you'd realize it's all about economics. This is a for profit company, and I am confident if non-winx users buy more games than winx users, then they'd spend more resources developing for that market.

I don't know now, but Bioware did promised to have a Mac, Linux, and maybe a BeOS version at their initial release. From what they said, I wonder how many other game companies would go out of their way to include non-winx versions at release.

Bio Warfare? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642330)

I know Slashdot (and every other news outlet) likes shocking headlines, but isn't that a bit much? Nobody's mailing them anthrax. This is just companies doing what companies do best: being stupid.

hmm. (1)

loraksus (171574) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642334)

They need each other, they don't want to play with each other.
What are we gonna say?
Fuck 'em - they deserve each other, though it would be nice to see the game come out. I hate it when adults act like children, damn....

more hmmmm (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642532)

If someone steals something from me and in my attempt to get it back in a rational and legal manner it gets slowly dragged across the litigation floor, then is it still me who is included in the 'acting like children'?

I guess in this case I am supposed to just let them steal from me? As in not HONOR a professional and ADULT contract. Interplay knew damn well what they were doing. This was no accident, but rather one of those "you can do anything until you are either caught and punished or caught and the PR dropout kills your bottom line" sort of like politicians.

Interplay- "By gamers, For gamers" Well, actually to be fair, Interplay was once a fine example of how to run a great gaming company and this slogan was true. However it is now, "Interplay, By executives, marketers, lawyers and managers... For executives, marketers, lawyers and managers. we take the engineer out of Engineering, well, we shit on all our actual REVENUE PRODUCING WORKERS, but we sure slap each other on the back... hey, did I ever tell you on my new cell phone on my laptop what my latest Golf score was? Hey, is that a new watch?..."

but I guess that wouldn't fit as well so they kept the old one. Like EA (and all of its gobbled up fodder dev studios) and Sierra, Interplay has decided to ignore common sense and history and will gladly beat its collective executive heads into a spiked steel wall. Good job guys! Great forward thinking! I am betting you probably have an average of about 3 staff meetings a week, produce more spread sheets and powerpoint slides than WORK, and consider the actual business of making games as bottom on the priority list (with more meetings, memos, messages, documents, teleconferances and other crap up top)

Hear that everyone! That is three sounds combined into a chorus in the distance! One is Interplay choking on its own vomitous bureacratic red tape, one is the mass exedus of all your workers (including dev and support studios) and the other sound is the steam locomotive of independant studios that wish to make good games and logically understand that their quality approach will naturally bring great rewards as a consequence... and that train is gonna run you over!

Anyone know what Interplays ratio of workers to non workers is (anyone who does not actively create, document and qa the actual products). Managers are necessary... but when did they move from a member of the team to a heirarchically higher echelon that is bloated and innefficient to the point of breaking the organizations under their own weight? DOT BOMB? More like executive bomb. Watch and learn America! If you continue this downward spiral of throwing more red tape and management at problems you will only destroy yourselves

How many people on /. play DND?? (0, Offtopic)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642336)

How many people on /. play DND?

Re:How many people on /. play DND?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642355)

342

Re:How many people on /. play DND?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642371)

Better make that 343.

Re:How many people on /. play DND?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642390)

n, where n is an integer between 0 and N.

Not Me! (-1)

egg troll (515396) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642424)

Egg Troll has better things to do than to hang out with some ponytailed compufags who live in a fantasy world. Like, I can go out and get laid. Sure beats throwing around my 27-sided dice or talking about my 32nd level dwarven ninja/janitor.

Re:Not Me! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642495)

Beating yourself off with a loaf of bread doesn't count as getting laid.

How About Beating Off With This? (-1)

egg troll (515396) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642568)

THE ULTIMATE GIF VIEWING ACCESSORY!

The other day I found an amusing and informative text file on some BBS or other, explaining how to make a lifelike, artificial vagina "out of common household products." Hey, I thought, I've tried that. (Bet you have, too. Be honest.) I was intrigued. The guy who wrote it calls his device Porta-Pussy. It involves a mailing tube, a string, and a balloon. Basically, you lower the balloon into the tube, stretch the neck of the balloon to overlap the outer edge of the tube, then use the string to stretch the balloon down the length of the tube. He suggests taping the tube to the edge of a table, kneeling down and licking it for a while, then standing up and fucking it.

I just tried fucking it. It wasn't bad. I decided not to try the advanced applications, though, which include sticking a dildo up your ass and drinking the cum as it leaks out of the tube. Another time, maybe. But I did admire his imaginative design; simple to make, reasonable facsimile, easy cleanup (throw away the balloon). His description made fun reading, too; "How I Spell Relief." I encourage others to download his file(called IWACK1.ZIP).

So, in a spirit of sharing, here's my technique. It doesn't look as authentic as his, and it takes more preparation, but I think it feels MUCH closer to the real thing. Close your eyes and the PseudoCunt (this name just occurred to me; snappy, huh?) feels just EXACTLY like a warm, wet, tight pussy. You think I'm kidding, right? Nope. Read on, if you're so inclined.

CONTENTS:

1- Registration

2- Materials & Ingredients

3- Construction

4- How to Use

5- Hints & Techniques

6- Troubleshooting

7- Why I Created PseudoCunt

REGISTRATION:

Ha, ha. Get it? It's software. Real soft. If you figure out who I am, send me some money. PseudoCunt is not shareware, by the way. It's recommended for use alone.

MATERIALS & INGREDIENTS:

* Cylindrical container (see below)

* Large pot (3-4 quart capacity)

* Butter or margarine (2-3 tablespoons)

* Vegetable oil (just a drop or two)

* Saran Wrap or equivalent

* Spaghetti or fettucini (lots; two boxes)

* Sturdy rubber band

* Several big, firm sofa cushions (optional)

* Your favorite masturbation fantasies in magazine, video, gif, or virtual form

CONSTRUCTION:

1- Find a suitable container. This is the tough part. The best one I've found is an overlarge Mason-type jar (about 11" tall), though these are hard to find. Second choice would be a length of PVC pipe sealed at one end, or a mailing tube, but it should be at least five inches in diameter. A half-gallon cardboard milk carton might work, with clever modifications.

2- In a large pot, bring two or three quarts of water to full boil. Add a tablespoon of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt. Boil spaghetti to aldente texture (about 8 minutes). Any pasta will do, but I find spaghetti and fettucini most satisfactory.

3- Drain spaghetti, but do not rinse. Mix in A FEW DROPS of vegetable oil (be CAREFUL not to use too much; use just enough to keep the spaghetti from sticking together) and stir well. Set aside in colander until cool enough to handle.

4- While spaghetti is cooling, melt some butter (not much; about 1/3 of one of those little butter pats you get with toast in a diner is enough). Don't let it boil; 15-30 seconds in the microwave should do it.

5- Stuff spaghetti into the container described in Step 1. Really pack it in tightly; as tight as you can cram it in. This is crucial to success. I use wooden cooking implements to tamp it down. When the jar is about 3/4 full, bore a hole down the center with something long and moderately thin (I use the long handle of a wooden stirring spoon) and continue packing spaghetti around it, up the brim. Remember to pack tightly; spaghetti will compress a lot more than you'd think.

6- At this point, remove the rod or dowel or whatever, and pour a SMALL amount of melted butter down into the little hole to lubricate it. (By the way, I've found that butter or margarine feels much more like the creamy inside of an aroused cunt than any kind of oil; and I've tried quite a few). Stick your finger in and work the lubrication down into the little hole. Feels interesting, doesn't it? Close your eyes and probe, slowly; does that feel just EXACTLY like a wet pussy hole, or what?

7- Now, use something wider and slightly tapered to widen the mouth of the surrogate vagina (I use the neck of a wine or beer bottle). Do this gently, and don't widen it to your full dick diameter; you want it to be nice and tight.

8- Cut a generous length of Saran Wrap and stretch it tightly over the mouth of the jar. Fasten it tightly with the rubber band. Now punch a hole in the Saran Wrap in the obvious place. (Use a pencil, or a spoon handle, not a knife; a sharp cut will make the Saran Wrap tear.)

HOW TO USE:

1- Pile two or more big, thick sofa cushions on top of each other. Make an identical pile next to the first, leaving a 12-inch space between the two piles.

2- In the space between the cushions, spread a towel (or newspaper) on the floor. If properly constructed, your PseudoCunt should not make a mess unless you really get carried away, but it's a good idea to protect against this possibility.

3- Position the PseudoCunt jar on the floor between the two cushion piles.

4- Lie across the cushion piles, chest on one, thighs on the other, dick dangling in the space between. Now, gaze lovingly at whatever fantasy object you prefer, tease the head of your dick against the warm, slick mouth and begin fucking.

HINTS AND TECHNIQUES:

* Before you get started, check with your finger to make sure your PseudoCunt has cooled to the proper temperature. You don't want to burn yourself. Optimum temperature should be obvious if you're a reasonably sexually active person. Push your finger in as deeply as you can; the bottom of the jar may be too hot even though the mouth is a nice, warm, cuntlike temperature.

* The PseudoCunt is not recommended for quickies. Choose a time when you're absolutely certain you'll be alone and undisturbed. PseudoCunt takes some time to prepare, and a fair amount of what's called in cinema and theater circles 'suspension of disbelief.' It can't be fully enjoyed if you're worried about your wife or girlfriend walking in and finding you fucking a jar of spaghetti.

* Size of the container is important. Make sure it is at least two inches deeper than your dick is long, and wide enough so that your dick is surrounded by a generous cushion of pseudo cuntflesh. You don't want to bang up against the hard sides or bottom of the thing at a crucial moment.

* Shape of the container is important, too. I like the jumbo jar configuration because the "shoulders" of the jar where the neck narrows help to keep the spaghetti in place when you withdraw on the out-strokes.

* Don't use too much butter. A very small amount should suffice. Remember that your own secretions will increase the lubricating effect. It's not generally recognized that grease and oils actually DE-sensitize erectile tissue. A thin coat of oil on your dick is like wearing a condom. I find that the absolutely perfect effect is achieved by adding just a tiny amount of butter, then slathering saliva all over my dick just before first penetration. The combination of butter, saliva and natural lubrication that leaks from your dick feels closer to authentic vagina arousal than any oil I've ever tried.

* Make adequate preparations. Arrange your favorite magazines on the floor in front of you, or display a particularly fascinating .AVI, or make sure the VCR is cued up and the remote is handy. One of the real joys of using PseudoCunt is that it leaves both hands free to work the VCR remote or languidly browse through magazines, savoring the tight cunt sucking wetly at your dick with each slight movement of your hips. With careful preparation it's a damned comfortable position, and you can just lie there for as long as you please, indulging as many fantasies as your self-control will allow.

* For best results, fuck slowly and gently on first penetration. This allows the PseudoCunt hole to adjust to the proper diameter.

* Don't ram your dick in to the bottom at first. Go slowly, and try to restrain yourself as long as possible, fucking a just a little deeper at a time. Each time you stroke a little deeper, the PseudoCunt is a little tighter, and incrementally warmer. The sensation is fabulous if prolonged. I like to keep the last inch or so unpenetrated until I'm just at the point of cumming, then grunt and howl and plunge to the bottom and blast my sperm into the tight warmth deep down inside.

* Sound effects, if authentic, can really heighten the effect. Porn videos just don't do it for me. Too contrived. I have a few audio tapes that do, though, and once in a while I'll put on the headphones while fucking my Pseudocunt. One is a tape I made by concealing the microphone in the headboard of the bed before fucking my wife doggy-style (you should consider trying this; it's incredibly arousing to hear the rutting grunts and screams of a woman you know). The rest are recordings of phone-sex conversations with two former girlfriends -- one in particular, whose panting and gasping and whimpering as she masturbates is truly phenomenal.

* Shed all inhibitions. Admit to yourself that, while this may seem truly bizarre behavior, it feels incredibly good. Get hedonistic. Get totally naked. Or wear leather, or panties and a bra, or clothespins on your scrotum, whatever makes your dick throb and ooze.

TROUBLESHOOTING

If you experience problems with your PseudoCunt, the fault most likely lies in your choice of materials, or lack of attention to proper construction techniques.

Commonly experienced problems usually have simple solutions:

Too hot for comfort

If too hot, allow to cool at room temperature. Don't get impatient and put it in the freezer, or outside in a snowbank. If it cools unevenly, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise.

Not warm enough

If too cool, place jar in a pan of water on the stove and simmer for at least 30 minutes. To spread heat more evenly, make sure the water covers at least 2/3 of the jar, and place a wire rack beneath the jar to raise it off the bottom of the pan. If a glass jar is used, you can heat it in a microwave oven for a minute or so. [This procedure is not recommended if using a waxed cardboard milk carton.]

These heating techniques, by the way, are handy for repeated use of your PseudoCunt between washings, unless you're too squeamish for sloppy seconds.

It's also occurred to me that a hair dryer might be a quick alternative, but I haven't tried this. I'm not sure I could maintain a hardon or a straight face kneeling there naked and blow-drying a jar of spaghetti.

Bits of greasy spaghetti cling to your dick on withdrawal

This is normal. While the problem cannot be eliminated entirely, the effect can be minimized by several means:

1- Make sure spaghetti is packed in VERY tightly.

2- Use a high-shouldered jar (see above) to help keep the spaghetti in place on the out strokes.

3- Make sure hole in Saran Wrap is not too large. Punch, do not cut, this hole to prevent tearing.

PseudoCunt makes distracting slurping noises

You used too much butter, or oil, or both. Or you've gang-banged your PseudoCunt one too many times and you need to clean it out and start over again at Step 2.

Of course, if you want to fantasize about oral sex, this could be regarded as a design feature rather than a problem.

Greasy stains on sofa cushions

My wife responds to greasy stains on upholstery by immediately dumping a big pile of talcum powder on the spill, letting it sit for a while, vacuuming it off later, then calling in a professional furniture cleaner to finish the job. I try to avoid stains by making sure the Saran Wrap is tightly secured with the rubber band, and by spreading a towel over thleading edge of the sofa cushion pile. I'd rather not have to explain PseudoCunt stains to my wife.

Fetid stench

Throw away the spaghetti and wash the damn thing. Unless mold and bacteria growth play an essential role in your sexual fantasies, repeated use of the PseudoCunt is not recommended beyond, say, 24 hours. Refrigerate after use.

WHY I CREATED PSEUDOCUNT

No, I'm not a social outcast or a phobic recluse. I have a normal sex life (pretty fabulous, actually) so I should explain why I continued to experiment with masturbation techniques in adulthood, long after abandoning the clumsy remedies most teens invent to draw off excess spunk. One reason is simply that I'm a very sensuous person with a vivid imagination. I've found that I can occasionally attain amazing heights of sexual arousal when I masturbate. At the risk of sounding immodest, I've induced some of the best orgasms I've ever had.Another reason is that I am aware of absolutely no physical or psychological reasons not to masturbate, and can't help wondering if the world might not be a better place if more people did. Whether they use fists or balloons or spaghetti.

Finally, it provides a fabulous way to indulge certain sexual fantasies that just can't be shared no matter how skilled and understanding one's lover may be. Know what I mean? If you're inclined to give this thing a try, I hope it enhances your own secret fantasies as much as it does mine. If you have a technique of your own, write it up and post it for others to share. If you find the whole concept disgusting, why did you read this far?

Re:Not Me! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642559)

Better things to do? Like what? Sit around all day posting garbage to slashdot?


Maybe you should go throw around some 27-sided dice with compufags. Then at least you'd be out of your house interacting with real people, not your slashdot troll fantasy world that you live in.

I Farted! (-1)

egg troll (515396) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642578)

You are clearly a homosexual. I refuse to join you and your ilk at your Gay Renessaince Faires that someone like you certainly attends. But hey, have fun at Ye Oldetyme Pavillion of Buggary or whatever you fruits call it.

Title (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642340)

Yes! Finally someone decided to get them back for Total Recall for the NES!

Oh.. you mean they didn't get killed?

Crap.

Nice headline, (-1)

Genghis Troll (158585) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642345)

jackass. Further proof that, even in the company of fools, you manage to distinguish yourself as a complete fucking idiot.

At Least (-1)

egg troll (515396) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642594)

Well at least when he's writing insipid headlines he's not censoring posts, so maybe its a good thing?

Wizards = Publisher? (1)

Cow4263 (312716) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642350)

Was this agreement maid pre-Wizard or back in the TSR days? If it was made back with TSR, then it makes sense (TSR was having troubles finacaliy if I recall). But nowadays, I don't see why Wizards couldn't just publish it themselves. I'd be very suprised if they didn't already have a few published titles and more so if they couldn't handle this one.

Re:Wizards = Publisher? (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642381)

plse lren two spel beter. Eye kant udestnd u.

plse lren two spel beter. Eye kant udestnd u. (0, Offtopic)

DAldredge (2353) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642448)

plse lren two spel beter. Eye kant udestnd u

Penny Arcade's take on it... (5, Funny)

hiryuu (125210) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642358)

Here. [penny-arcade.com]

I got a giggle out of it, at least...

Licenced properties... (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642359)

Aw, man - that's a pretty shitty state of affairs. But I suppose it does graphically illustrate why developing products based on licenced properties is generally a Bad Thing (or at least something to be done with extreme care) for any game developer. (Being someone who has been bitten by having a licence holder [psygnosis.com] suddenly refuse to let us release our finished game [ign.com] because of Sony's [scea.com] attitude to all things not Playstation 2).

Re:Licenced properties... (1)

aka-ed (459608) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642581)


Hey, I was salivatin' for "Hired Guns" back in 99. Got a copy you can "release" to the newsgroups?

Dungeons and Dragons (4, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642361)

Who cares, those games are for nerds and satanists [chick.com] .

Re:Dungeons and Dragons (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642409)

someone mod this up! Chick's tracts are hilarious.

Lol! (1)

Shade, The (252176) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642445)

This definately needs mod'ing up! I can't stop laughing now. Oh, where for art a moderator when one is needed? :)

Whoa there! (3, Interesting)

HunterZ (20035) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642378)

Back that truck up, slick! Check this out:
http://www.poolofradiance.com/ [poolofradiance.com]

I don't see any mention of Interplay or Bioware there, yet it's an AD&D computer game. Would anyone care to explain?

Re:Whoa there! (1)

Ondo (187980) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642499)

Interplay's license is not exclusive. From Gamespot's history of AD&D ( http://www.gamespot.com/features/history_add/ )

At this year's E3, it was announced that Mindscape, the parent company of SSI and now a division of Mattel, had reclaimed the license, and that the original developers of Pool of Radiance would now develop a sequel.


Note that this was written years ago.

Re:Whoa there! (1)

elandal (9242) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642599)

Just means that Interplay is not the only company to hold license for AD&D computer games.

Pool of Radiance is a kind of a sequel to the old SSI gold box series (Pool of Radiance, Secret of the Silver Blades, Pools of Darkness) which was set in Phlan, then the surroundings, in the end covering the Moonsea area with visits to Myth Drannor, outer planes, thwarting plots to revive a god and so on. The whole SSI series, including other AD&D licensed games like the Eye of Beholder series, are available as "The Forgotten Realms Archive", in three boxes. The games look pretty awful by current standards, but were important milestones on the CRPG timeline.

Slashdot = Misinformation? (4, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642379)

Once again slashdot amazes me with the ability not to be able to post reliable or good information.

Bioware CAN publish titles under AD&D license, interplay has been rideing the "bioware" wave for over a year now. Bioware has every damn right to terminate their contract, especially since Interplay VIOLATED the terms of it.

The game is slated to be released Mar 2002, and on another note, I submited this story on wednesday.

I have posted anonymusly in order to protect myself and other sources.

This Suprises You? (-1)

egg troll (515396) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642598)

Once again slashdot amazes me with the ability not to be able to post reliable or good information.


And you find this suprising because...? Has Slashdot ever had reliable or goof information? Once they were almost on time with a report of a new kernel coming out, but other than that, I'm hard pressed to think of anything.

how to tell if you're in Al Gore's restaraunt! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642389)


Reuters:
"Former Vice President Al Gore told a Nigerian audience on Thursday that he now runs a family restaurant in Tennessee."
-Thursday, November 29, 2001

#1: Everything on the menu is a #2.

#2: Second half of menu all Kosher.

#3: Special everything-that-should-be-down-is-upside-down cake.

#4: Annoying waitress Karenna also a lawyer, mom & runs restaurant ad campaign.

#5: Patrons have trouble following arrow to lavatories.

#6: Sign on door reads "Inventors of Bacon & Eggs."

#7: All Tipper can eat salad bar.

#8: Bill tallied up using "fuzzy math."

#9: Beard hair in soup.

#10: Boasts Robert B. Reich "short stack" o' pancakes.

#11: Cashier can't recognize George Washington on $1 bills, or Ben Franklin on $100s.

#12: All patrons greeted at door with a bear hug and long, sloppy, slobbering soul kiss.

#13: Coffee for working patrons charged to the bills of the "top 1%" of customers.

Someone should tell Infogrames (5, Informative)

AlterEd (67760) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642403)

Infogrames bought [infogrames.com] Hasbro Interactive and now has publishing rights to all present and future Hasbro electronic games. Previous agreements notwithstanding, natch.

If Bioware can't hash things out with Interplay, I'm sure they can get a deal with Infogrames.

Re:Someone should tell Infogrames (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642490)

If Bioware can't hash things out with Interplay, I'm sure they can get a deal with Infogrames.

And as for Interplay's "exclusive" rights, all Bioware needs to do is declare the game done and when Interplay doesn't deliver, well, can anyone say "breach of contract"? [referring to the one with (TSR|WotC|Hasbro|Infogrames)]

Peace.

Jeez.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642418)

bunch of pimply-faced dorks getting worked up over a stupid game. Don't you people have lives at all?

Re:Jeez.. (3, Funny)

HunterZ (20035) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642431)

Bunch of wart-faced trolls getting worked up over a bunch of "pimply-faced dorks". Don't YOU people have lives at all?

thats funny (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642494)

considering that myself and everyone of my other buddies interested in this are combat veterans, mostly Marines, the others are various Special Forces (hey, Marines ARE special forces)

Re:Jeez.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642588)

Hey! I'll have you know this dork doesn't have acne!

Exclusive Rights? (2, Interesting)

mESSDan (302670) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642475)

BALDUR'S GATE: © 1998 BioWare Corp. All Rights Reserved. Baldur's Gate, Forgotten Realms, the Forgotten Realms logo, Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, the AD&D logo, and the TSR logo are trademarks of TSR, Inc., a subsidiary of Wizards of the Coast, Inc, and are used by Interplay under license. All Rights Reserved. Interplay, the Interplay logo, Black Isle Studios, the Black Isle Studios logo, and "By Gamers, For Gamers." are trademarks of Interplay Productions. All Rights Reserved. The BioWare logo is the trademark of BioWare Corp. All Rights Reserved. Dolby, the Dolby Surround Logo and the double-D symbols are trademarks of Dolby Laboratories Licensing Corporation. All Rights Reserved. Exclusively licensed and distributed by Interplay Productions. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
I stole this from the link in the article. The problem is, the second to last line is all that indicates "Exclusively licensed" (Emphasis mine), and it doesn't indicate what it pertains to.

The part that does mention AD&D indicates that it is being used under license, no mention of exclusivity.

Can anyone clear this up?

Agh (1)

professortomoe (540098) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642478)

I hope they can find a good pub. because I've been waiting for Neverwinter Nights for a hella long time. Oh, and Bioware, if you don't get this game published, damn you.

Now what? (0)

dmomo (256005) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642515)

Does this mean that I am going to have to get a life? Things are so much easier when you can pretend to have a life, and not have to leave the house!(dmagoo steps outside.. sees a big burning thing in the sky and runs back in, Frightenend.)

Kidding aside, it's a shame that things are not going well. The game has great potential. I suppose I will have to stick to Diablo II for my fix! Perhaps Starwars Galaxies will cater to our needs, even though I anticipate a world with a disproportionate number of Bouty Hunters and Jedi's.

Keep your hopes up (1)

Otik2 (317009) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642524)

According to Gamespot [gamespot.com] [gamespot.com] "Despite the announcement, the developer plans to release the Dungeons & Dragons game on schedule in early 2002." Still, I'm a bit worried. I think NWN has a huge potential, as it allows players to both play a fun MMORPG and allow the more hardcore players to create and play their own D&D adventure - like these [nwdl.net] [www.nwdl.net] people. I think a NWN Dragonlance will be great, so I really hope Bioware can finish it.

Time to use GURPS ! (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#2642526)

Perhaps will we see games using other fighting systems !
Personnaly, I like GURPS.

Look at the copyrights page (2)

hrieke (126185) | more than 12 years ago | (#2642577)

You'll see a few intresting titles / names, does anyone know what these were licensed for?
* Bill Watterson - Calvin and Hobbes - This one I really don't understand, Bill didn't license anyone C&H...

* Peter Townhend - Tommy
* Mario, Luigi, The Princess, Yoshi and Koopa are trademarks of Nintendo of America, Inc
* Rodney Dangerfield Copyright © 1997 Dangerfield Entertainment
* Statistics provided by STATS, Inc. © 1998. All rights reserved

Makes you wonder what these chacters are used in / licensed for...
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