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Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

Cliff posted more than 12 years ago | from the object-oriented dept.

Programming 579

bLanark asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.

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OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264445)

Wow, the Slashdot editors themselves are "-1 Troll".

How many pathetic see-thru attempts at an April Fool joke are we going to see today?

That is THREE consecutive attempts... and counting.

What a collection of sad, feeble minds.

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (1)

JeffMagnus (133746) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264455)

I hate April Fools Day.

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264459)

That is THREE consecutive attempts... and counting.

How was the solar eclipse story an attempt? It looked serious to me.

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (3, Interesting)

JabberWokky (19442) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264470)

How many pathetic see-thru attempts at an April Fool joke are we going to see today?

I hate to tell you this, but I have a bad feeling that the stories we are going to see that are absolutely wretched or dizzyingly stupid are all real submissions over the past month or so. I'm pretty sure they did this a year or two ago. It kinda almost makes you pity them for having to wade through the submission box.

--
Evan

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264486)

I hope to god that they can blame this horrid crop of swill on submissions. I would pity them if this was made up by the editors. It would be a sorry fucking statement on humor.

APRIL FOOLS!!! (0)

Tester (591) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264452)

This is almost as original as fm.NET... !

APRIL FOOLS!!!

I just like testing... (2, Funny)

mrpuffypants (444598) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264453)

my input/output operators occasionally ;)

Re:I just like testing... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264536)

The real question is not what gets you sex but what gets you goatse.cx.

PHP . . . (2, Funny)

Selanit (192811) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264456)

Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"

Re:PHP . . . (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264498)

LOL - I'm with ya there =)
//marc

third post (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264458)

april fools!!!!!
it makes sense though ;)

Doh! Check the timestamp. (1)

XorNand (517466) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264464)

After the toliet bit, now this... I was starting to wonder wheter it was just a *very* slow news day.

(Check the date.)

Everyone knows that Perl (5, Funny)

Dancin_Santa (265275) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264465)

Perl makes you hung like a camel.

How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?

Would it make sense to simply forego /. today?

Re:Everyone knows that Perl (3, Funny)

Emperor Cezar (106515) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264492)

If that is true then using Linux would make you be hung like a Pengiun, and I know I'm not hung like a Penguin. :p

Re:Everyone knows that Perl (1)

mark_lybarger (199098) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264512)

22 more hours worth, according to my clock.

Re:Everyone knows that Perl (5, Funny)

dimator (71399) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264552)

So what does Python do for you? ;)

Perl, the real penis enlargement drug (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264607)

I started using Perl and my cock grew 3 inches! It's true!

Uh... (1, Offtopic)

Graymalkin (13732) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264468)

Asking what operating systems you can use to attract a sexual partner is like asking which overalls you should wear on a date to get you laid. One is just not condusive to the other.

Re:Uh... (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264500)

Depends on what part of the country yall are from and how close a relative she is, I s'pose.

Hi (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264471)

I just wanted to say that I am the first to reply and this was just hilarious. ROTFL!!!

wrong section! :) (0, Troll)

dciman (106457) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264473)

"Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love live? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know."

This should have been an "IT's funny.... laugh." But, all in all... pretty good for a Sunday night post!

Re:wrong section! :) (2)

ThatComputerGuy (123712) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264541)

Nothing is in the wrong section on April Fools' Day, fool.

YHBF. YHL. HANAFD.

First April 1st front page story, let's see... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264474)

Good programmers don't have sex. End of story.

It was last April 1st (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264475)

...when i started using Java.... my girlfriend hasn't slept a full night since.

And yeah, man, i do have a girlfriend. Woot, woot.

God bless java!!!

Of all the uneducated spellings.... (0)

cybergeak (318482) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264519)

its w00t, not woot, or wOOt, but w00t, with zeros.... man you must have a girl friend to not know that ;)

F(irst) P(ost) (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264477)

FP makes you a stud

J.A.V.A (0, Funny)

Blackneto (516458) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264479)

Juggs
Ass
Vagina
Ass

Pretty much the plot of any porno!

Re:J.A.V.A (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264513)

You
Are
Retarted

Note to posters: Not April 1 everywhere yet (0)

reidconti (219106) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264480)

Not all of us are on the east coast.. d'oh! :)

- reid

Re:Note to posters: Not April 1 everywhere yet (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264534)

you should be, you hippie

well, by that logic (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264573)

It's the same date the world over for only one hour per day. Are you going to make them wait until it's midnight at the International Date Line?

sockets (3, Funny)

upt1me (537466) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264483)

I personally like socket programming...

Wow (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264484)

I thought April Fool's jokes were supposed to be funny?!

Hello (1)

Darkfred (245270) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264485)

If you find that your sexual prowess is affected by what programming language you use maybe you need to spend less time at the computer and more time with your wife or girlfriend.

THere may come a point in your life when you are impotent without programming a small packet server.

Re:Hello (2, Redundant)

doooras (543177) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264553)

i don't know about him, but my girlfriend lately IS my computer. her name is Penty. she loves me. she always tells me that she wants me to ugrade my "hard drive" though.

Pathetic (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264487)

One word describes this story. Java may be a better language but why the fuck should this be posted. K, April fools day, well the only fool is Cliff who posted the article.

Even if it is April 1... (1, Offtopic)

Restil (31903) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264488)

This should have been marked as Funny. Its more appropriate that way.

-Restil

I use Commodore Basic 2.0 (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264490)

And I've got 38911 BASIC BYTES FREE. And I'm always READY if you know what I mean!

LOAD"$",8

Oooohhhh yeah baby, access that floppy, make it hard!

READY.
POKE THIS,THAT

Hmmmmm yeah!!! Oh yeah!!!

READY.

Re:I use Commodore Basic 2.0 (2, Funny)

danielrose (460523) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264550)

but what is:

POKE 53280,0
POKE 53281,0

?? The true test!

Re:I use Commodore Basic 2.0 (-1)

propstoalldeadhomiez (444303) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264605)

That changes the background and border colors to black. The cursor (And text typed, I think) is changed by a POKE to location 646, I believe, too.

Hey, it's after midday! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264491)

Hey, it's after midday where I live. You can't try and trick me into thinking someone would ask such a stupid question. Although compared to the rest of slashdot, it's not really that stupid. :)

Mod me up, baby!

Wishful Thinking (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264494)

I wonder how many Slashdot readers found themselves wishing this was more than just an April Fool's joke...

lame... (0, Insightful)

h4x0r-3l337 (219532) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264496)

Toilet-"humor", sex-"humor", what's next? How much lower can slashdot sink?

Re:lame... (1)

Emperor Cezar (106515) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264528)

I think someone needs to calm down. With all due respect, some people take things of little consequence way to seriously. There are plenty of things in the world more importent than arguing if some April Fool's article does not live up to "standards"

this much (1)

metalhed77 (250273) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264572)

hmmmmm, the linux-gay conspiracy trolls will have a field day with this. I can just imagine what they'll say about RMS's love of "open" systems and they reduction of "backdoors" and the sort.

Not a particular language but... (1)

thinmac (98095) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264497)

I find the best thing to get in "stallion" mode is to have some sort of sucess with the computer. Could be programming, could be getting DSL or cable to finally work, could be even just getting X to work for the first time. Getting the computer to do something you only sort of belived it would do at all is the best love drug I've found. (also, coming home and saying "guess what I did today, honey" gets you lots of 'big strong man (or woman)' points, too :)

Better question! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264499)

Here is a better question:

Do programming languages affect the mating habits of elk?

Sexual Performance? (3, Funny)

darkov (261309) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264501)

What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!

Smalltalkers are the best lovers. (3, Funny)

crovira (10242) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264503)

We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.

Penguin Socks (2, Funny)

Krezel (91860) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264504)

One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...

She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!

Preferences (2, Funny)

justletmeinnow (315504) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264506)

Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...

(leave me alone, I'm tired...)

Scrawled on the wall of the CS building bathroom: (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264508)

"ELIZA puts out!"

My Love Life... (0, Flamebait)

oasisbob (460665) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264509)

... In BASIC:

10 FOR 0 TO 15,1
20 SUB SLIDE_FIST_UP
30 SUB SLIDE_FIST_DOWN
40 ENDFOR
50 ECHO "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...."
60 EXIT

Re:My Love Life... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264584)

What a strange basic you have... I'm used to know

NEXT instead of ENDFOR
PRINT instead of ECHO
STOP instead of EXIT

Is that mean, somewhat, that you cheat on your wife ?

As for operating systems... (1)

Mt._Honkey (514673) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264511)

As soon as I installed Win XP, I started chronically masturbating. Man, it just doesn't stop. I wore out my right hand and now my left is turning red. One that hand's through, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Switch to Linux I guess. Anyone else with the same problem?

Man my floor's crusty...

Re:As for operating systems... (1)

abnormal (165012) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264540)

For me, it's not so much WinXP. It's more of the Nazi Bill Gates wallpaper that gets me off =)

Did I think that or did I post it to the world?

DAMN!

Lingo to the extreme! (0)

Joystickit (529613) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264514)

Everyone knows that lingo hax0rs are the l337est and s3xiest hax0rs around. (Lingo is the native tripe in director/shockwave).

wait wait wait (4, Funny)

Profe55or Booty (540761) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264515)

you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*

Re:wait wait wait (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264545)

The sad this is you could generalise the question to
"you're asking slashdot readers?"
and still be chuckling.

Oh God (1)

Kryzon (183359) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264520)

The last thing I need is to hear about the sex lives of a bunch of nerds.

Problems I've had (5, Funny)

Etrigan_696 (192479) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264521)

Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.

Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.

Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....

But seriously ladies and germs... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264603)

at least there wasn't the usual "hard drive", "ram" and "joystick" puns.

Assembly (1)

Nashirak (533418) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264522)

If Java makes you a stallion...and C++ lowers your sexual prowlness.... then Assembly makes you impotent. :)

Not Java! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264523)

I began progamming with Java, after a long term commitment with C++. When I returned to C++, my sex life became very bad; no more nookie at all! Therefore I continued with Java, but found myself masturbating constantly. The more Java I did, the more I jerked off! Finnaly, I returned to C++, renewing my commitment with great vigor, and my faithfulness paid off, as the sex I am having now (with someone other then myself) is great!

i asked my GF (4, Funny)

rosewood (99925) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264524)

I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways

geeks? (1)

ljaguar (245365) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264525)

Most geeks don't have a love life. Besides, this is an absolutely idiotic April fool's joke. That Qt thing was great, tho.

Dear Slashdot (0, Flamebait)

pete-classic (75983) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264526)

Dear Slashdot,

I have been a loyal reader and poster for four years. I have enjoyed slashdot greatly.

In light of this story, however, please cancel my fucking account.

-Peter

Re:Dear Slashdot (2)

XBL (305578) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264565)

What is your password? The trolls will make good use of your +1 status.

Obligatory Simpsons Reference (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264529)

Worst.... April Fools Joke... EVER!

Visual C++ is pure sex (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264532)

Of the "bend over and take it from Bill Gates" variety. After that, of course, one doesn't have a lot of appetite for anything else.

Once Again ZZTop Has Wisdom To Share (5, Funny)

FrankDrebin (238464) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264533)

... she wanna Perl Necklace ...

Slashdot and sex.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264535)

Isn't than an oxymoron?

Hrumph (1)

Com2Kid (142006) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264537)

For those of us on the west coast it is still another 54 minutes to go. . . .

Time to start checking the east coast sites though. :)

barrel-bottom(scrape); (0, Flamebait)

Talez (468021) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264538)

Fuck me... I've seen pathetic shit come from this website but this has got to be the worst fucking "article" that I've ever seen...

This is not an april fools joke, april fools jokes are supposed to be *FUNNY*. This isn't funny, it's fucking pathetic.

Re:barrel-bottom(scrape); (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264556)

That's a lot of "fucking" there! :-P

ASP & .NET ? (3, Funny)

sh0rtie (455432) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264547)



only brings.

ASP
Average Sexual Performance

.NET
.Never Enough Titties

Don't know about you... (4, Funny)

DennyK (308810) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264551)

...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!

;-)

(Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) )

DennyK

similar experience with internet sites! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264555)

i have been studying the effects of websites i visit with my sexual performance. i have found that visiting playboy.com all day at work makes me a "stallion" in the bed. cnn.com, on the other hand, turns me into a 3.5" floppy... :-(

wha? (1, Troll)

npietraniec (519210) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264557)

Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

I don't know why I bother reading slashdot on April fool's day... Most of this drivel isn't really that funny. I'm making a commitment to skip reading for the rest of the day. Who's with me?

brainfuck (2, Funny)

Daltorak (122403) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264561)

Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck [muppetlabs.com] language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.

You know what assume does... (1)

Soluxx (545237) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264562)

You're assuming that people here actually have sex.... with another human being!

When I'm in the boudoir, (1)

mstyne (133363) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264567)

my baby shouts Haskell! Haskell! Haskell!... but my name is Mike...

c definitely decreases your sexual performance (1)

dotgod (567913) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264574)

Last semster, when I was in a C programming class, I tried to sleep with the teacher for extra credit. To my dismay, I found it difficult to sustain an erection. This semester I'm in a java class, and when I slept with this teacher, she gave the whole class A's just because of how "studly" I was.

In retrospect... (1)

dotgod (567913) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264598)

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my C teacher was a guy...

Why... (-1)

Kubik - The Original (559361) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264583)

I would expect this kind of article from Katz, but not anyone else. Why is this on /.???

Hey, I know. Why don't we relate backing up file systems to sex??? I can see it now...

"The first time is always awkward... You don't want to go too deep, but then again if you don't go deep enough you might regret it later. Sure it might be painful and time consuming, but it is worth it."

It's all about 64 bit C programming... (5, Funny)

curunir (98273) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264585)

chicks dig long pointers...nuff said

Java made me a Virtual Machine (5, Funny)

Bo Vandenberg (247590) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264587)

With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.

She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.

The most important Lesson of the Day (4, Funny)

parliboy (233658) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264588)

It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.

It's gotta be... (1)

long_john_stewart_mi (549153) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264591)

... the cross-platform compatibility. Java lets you do it anywhere. =)

Functional programming?! (1)

noz (253073) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264592)

I've been learning Haskell [haskell.org] for my Computer Science degree (it's a purely functional language).
Having no looping structures (other than recursion) and embedded IFs has transferred to my sex life.

I get in fast, achieve my goal, and get the hell out...

This reminds me of a sig I saw once... (1)

errorlevel (415281) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264593)

It went something like this:

"The thing I want to see most is for Larry Wall to give Bill Gates a perl necklace."

Laugh! It's supposed to be funny. :) Sorry if I screwed it up. :)

I'd like to leave you with this: for i in /her/* ; do touch "$i" ; done

Some might encourage you to "embrace and extend" (1)

Tom Veil (115114) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264594)

Someone had to say it.

import javax.sex.*; (5, Funny)

sterno (16320) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264596)

See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:
  • javax.sex.bondage
  • javax.sex.beastiality
  • javax.sex.toys
  • javax.sex.masturbation

Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.

Standard ML of NJ (1)

ill_conditioned (529750) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264597)

Typesafe, so once you get it to compile you can rest assured that you won't run into any of those dreaded "type" errors once you start "executing code". Unlike other languages where its quite possible that you won't find out that she's a he until runtime...

Ever since my girlfriend started programming in C. (1)

errorlevel (415281) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264600)

she keeps asking me why I want to free my null pointer in the sex routine.

I don't know much about sex... (1)

PsyQ (87838) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264601)

... but I know she likes my Python.

Lisp? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 12 years ago | (#3264602)

I gueth if you're of the homothexual perthuathion you use lisp?

my fav language and it geth two thnap up!

to quote Johnny 5 (3, Funny)

oo7tushar (311912) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264606)

nice software

Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.

Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.

Sex according to apt (5, Funny)

jordancapps (532809) | more than 12 years ago | (#3264608)

sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep
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