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Economy of Errors

timothy posted more than 11 years ago | from the exorcize-for-the-reader dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 110

Andrew Marlatt, the mind behind the insidious, sarcastic SatireWire, has finally gone Onion. Fans of that fine news source, in fact, are probably the first ones who should check out this new compendium -- 183 magazine-size pages -- of SatireWire stories. SatireWire is a deadpan Fortune/Forbes/CIO Magazine (with a touch of Adbusters) to the Onion's USAToday/Newsweek/Times. The book is called Economy of Errors, and puts a virtual bathroom library of stories from BusinessMonth Weekly (published semiannually every day) into one volume. (Read on for the rest of my review.)First, I grinned. The pin-headed suit pictured on the cover of Economy of Error (against a backdrop of sensible, neutral mottled gray) would have been right at home on the cover of a conventional business magazine, and with a different headline would probably even have made perfect sense -- this sense of ritualized news interchangeability is the same one that The Daily Show has been successfully mocking for years. Marlatt has a keen sense of the business-cheerleader media culture's inertia-driven , obsessively imitative tone and style, and apes both well throughout the book in a patois familiar to anyone reduced to buying magazines in airport news-stands

While parody sites draw their subject matter from whatever their creators find worthy of skewering, the most famous obvious comparison (The Onion) is basically a general news source, for a certain value of "news." The stories in Economy of Errors are (you guessed it) more about the Nu-Economy, and swipes at the buzzword laden, sense-deprived world of corporate idiocy and technological myopia -- the world of new startups, old-line companies pretending to be startups, last-year's startups pretending to be old-line companies and so on, not to mention dangerous "Click Houses" cropping up in the suburbs.

After I grinned, I started chuckling, then really laughing. "CDNow Wins Patent for Loss-Based Revenue Model." "Manufacturers' Lobby Says Small Children Defective.""Yahoo! beats Analysts' Estimates, Dogs."

I particular enjoyed the piece titled "Judge Denies Bias Against 'Guilty Microsoft Bastards,'" which quotes Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson explaining that his rulings in the Microsoft trial over which he presided were fair, and that he was never biased against "those guilty, lying bastards." Or, pick your poison, "Microsoft Says Linux Has No Future, So Linux Firms Will Stop." Say, these headlines are probably good for another 3 to 5 years at least!

Without giving away too much, I think you can safely read these headlines, too:

  • "House Sends Spam Bill to Senate; Senate Spam Filter Deletes It"
  • "Shooting at Virtual Office Leaves 3 as Good as Dead, 6 Tantamount to Wounded"
  • "Cubists Launch Unnavigable Web Site"

And of course, you can read these pieces on the SatireWire site as well, if you'd like too much to be given away anyhow.

Besides the stories (of which the full pagers ike "New HP Chief Can do Straddle Jump," seem to me much funnier than the shorter disinfo-blurb scattered throughout), there are a hefty selection of ads, most of which stick close enough to seeming real that I'd love to see a few scattered into a real business publication, just to see how many people notice. The spread on pages 88-89 of ads for various online trading companies certainly makes me laugh, or at least makes my face settle into a disturbing rictus. ("Thanks to Ameritrade, I quit my job as a bartender and bought that French villa I always wanted.") Maybe this is because I'm in that select group of people with a few handfuls of options on stock that costs far less than my special discounted strike price.

There are a few flat spots. For one thing, some of the parody ads no longer seem like parody, though this is hardly Marlatt's fault. (One ad shows the standard grey wash of newspaper stock listings, with enough stocks bolded to outline the familiar Absolut bottle shape, and says that the reason stocks will never fall is "Absolut Denial." Suddenly, too late -- it's like a mock gravestone for a living person, when the target suddenly drops dead.)

The same is true of two stories about the crisis that went away quietly, the Y2K bug. I wished as I was reading "Y2K survivors Devolve Ahead of Schedule" (about pre-survivors who started watching cannibalism tapes early) that each story was marked with a "first run on" date to establish more context. The undated story about the trend started by Microsoft Bob could use some context too, for when our children one day ask us seriously "What was Microsoft Bob?"

A few of the stories and ads in the book just didn't make me laugh, and small number didn't even stir a chuckle. Things like the full-pager for FamilyFetch.com ("Rent a life. Virtual Family in under an hour. Guaranteed.") seemed to take up valuable reading space, but didn't turn me on. YMMV.

On the other hand, both in the book and on the site, Marlatt makes a few forays into irreverent cultural and religious humor which may infuriate the culturally sensitive and leave those who would like to be culturally sensitive scratching their heads, not sure if they're allowed to laugh or not. I found myself in that second boat, but mostly laughed anyhow. Does anyone take real offense at a story suggesting that "Judiasm may be Y2K solution" because of the offset in years of the Jewish calendar versus the western one?

An impossible request for Marlatt when the next compilation comes out (as I'm sure it will) -- please include an index! Trying to look for an example of possibly offensive story, it would have been much faster to look for the word "Hinjew" in an index, but I think that story was too late to make the book, and is instead only on the site.

Now, I admit it -- I usually can't stand humor sites, because when they're not funny (to humor-impaired me), they're really not funny. There's no accounting for taste, which goes double for humor. This book, though, has spurred me to finally bookmark SatireWire and forced me to hand the book over temporarily to friends and family members prompted by my maniacal laughter to ask what I was reading. I look forward to the next round.


You can purchase Economy of Errors from bn.com, or from the SatireWire site. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.

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110 comments

FP My Nigga (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986384)

This one is for the Bin Ladens, Jews, Niggas, Israelys, crackas, and the HoobaStank! Goatse.cx for life!@

The CLiT Still Ownz j00 (-1, Offtopic)

DonkeyHote (521235) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986623)

This FP is now property of the CLiT.

All you CLiT haters can take go dive in RMS's boxers.

Re:The CLiT Still Ownz j00 (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987004)

All you CLiT haters can take go dive in RMS's boxers

Shouldn't they have to do something they WON'T enjoy? Demand they take a shower at least once a week or that they have sex with a woman. Something.

fp (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986388)

fp

Re:fp (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986411)

Fuck you , midget molester.

I GOT THE FP

I WILL ALL DAY

If you don't like it, go home and play with your homo-iMac and your queer games.

BTW

This webister internet sucks c0xo0rs

you are (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986495)

a m0thafuxER

Offtopic but... (-1, Redundant)

MrSloth (544065) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986422)

There are two fist posts above this, both say something like "fp." What is the deal with first posts!? I think most first posts can be compared to skipping every question on a test just to hand it in before everyone else. Why can't anyone post a first post that has something to do with the article?

Re:Offtopic but... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986451)

New here?

Re:Offtopic but... (2)

frog51 (51816) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986507)

LOL:-) Sometimes the oneliners are the funniest!

Re:Offtopic but... (-1)

SweetAndSourJesus (555410) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986557)

I think most first posts can be compared to skipping every question on a test just to hand it in before everyone else.

I did just that with my SATs. I filled in my name, ran up to the front of the classroom, slapped down the test and screamed "First Test mothafuckas! w00t!"

Of course, now I live in my parent's basement while attending community college. In just six short years I'll have my AA in computer science.

It was worth it, though.

Re:Offtopic but... (1)

JudgeFurious (455868) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986719)

Damn! I should have done that!

He's always one step ahead of me!

mod up! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3988467)

Offtopic, I know, but this almost knocked me out of my chair.

Did anyone else not find it particulary funny? (1)

qurob (543434) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986425)

Now, I admit it -- I usually can't stand humor sites, because when they're not funny (to humor-impaired me), they're really not funny. There's no accounting for taste, which goes double for humor. This book, though, has spurred me to finally bookmark SatireWire and forced me to hand the book over temporarily to friends and family members prompted by my maniacal laughter to ask what I was reading. I look forward to the next round.

So why did he post about this site?

It's really not that funny.

But then again, I like Something Awful [somethingawful.com] , Dilbert [dilbert.com] , and whatever the 'link of the day' happens to be.

Re:Did anyone else not find it particulary funny? (1)

13013dobbs (113910) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986459)

So why did he post about this site?

$ Slashdot gets paid to run these 'stories'. How else do you think this site stays up? By subscriptions? Ha!

Re:Did anyone else not find it particulary funny? (1)

panthro (552708) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986461)

The Brunching Shuttlecocks [brunching.com] have made the some of the worst humor-quadriplegics laugh.

Your .sig (2)

DunbarTheInept (764) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989161)

Carl Sagan screwed this one up. Absence of evidence is the ONLY kind of evidence of absence you can ever hope to find. Granted it's not conclusive, but if went through life with the mentality that you must have things disproven before you let go the hope that they exist, then you will end up believing in anything and everything ever proposed to you.

Re:Your .sig (1)

panthro (552708) | more than 11 years ago | (#3990203)

Perhaps the quote should read "absence of evidence is not proof of absence," but then it would not be as witty. Anyway, the idea is that without evidence, and barring any rational counterarguments, there is no logical reason to believe something does not exist. Basically, absence of evidence does not affect the conclusion one way or another unless it is the result of a sufficiently large representative empirical observation of the situation. If, however, there is a rational (as opposed to empirical, which loosely corresponds to 'evidence' in this context) reason to believe that something exists, such as intelligent extraterrestrial life (to which this quote obviously alludes) then the absence of any evidence as yet does not make the pursuit of such evidence any less worthwhile. FWIW.

Re:Did anyone else not find it particulary funny? (-1)

neal n bob (531011) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986492)

because that is how these ass-suckers make money. They post a paid ad...errr...review then provide a link. You sheep click the link, buy the crap, and they get money to buy more sailor moon tentacle rape anime porn dolls to use when they are not taco snotting little boys.

Re:Did anyone else not find it particulary funny? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987017)

What is the last thing a 6 year old boy sees before he dies?
Taco's anime collection.

Sounds like fun - shame about the name (3, Interesting)

kafka93 (243640) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986454)

I find it disappointing that a satirical publication should feel the need to identify itself so obviously as such. The Onion is the masterpiece that it is because it's so clever, so subtle, so 'could be true'. SatireWire may be all of these things, but the name 'gives it away' - by clearly saying "It's a joke! Funny!", the joke's impact is lessened.

I'm not trying to be picky; it's just something of a bete noir of mine. I use The Onion as a perfect example to fellow Englishmen who claim that America doesn't understand irony, that American humo[u]r isn't funny. The Onion -- as all satire -- succeeds because it doesn't doubt the capacity of its audience to understand the humour. On this issue, SatireWire loses many points.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2, Insightful)

Malc (1751) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986569)

Actually, I've seen a couple of the SatireWire stories appear in the National Post here in Canada. They really succeed quite well in this format! The National Post is one of Canada's two main national daily's, but it is written with more of the style and humour of a British broadsheet paper. Perhaps this is down to the Telegraph tie-in via Conrad Black.

The SatireWire web site might not be subtle like all good satire, but it's stories are good, and this especially obvious when taken out of context. The context of the story doesn't have to be subtle: take for example classic programmes I used to watch on British TV such as Drop the Dead Donkey - I know the programme is satirical, but that doesn't make is less amusing.

Finally, don't forget we're talking about the USA. Mr. Bean isn't considered simplistic and childish humour by most people. This is the country where popular satire has to be presented as a cartoon (The Simpsons) before it will have mass acceptance. The British/Australian/even Canadian/etc sense of humour normally produces blank stares from Americans who just don't think the same way. Humour has to be like all other things American to be accepted en masse: unsubtle.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (3, Insightful)

Triv (181010) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986758)

use The Onion as a perfect example to fellow Englishmen who claim that America doesn't understand irony, that American humo[u]r isn't funny

Blackadder:Baldrick, do you know what irony is?

Baldrick: Yeah. It's like...goldy, and bronzy...it's just made of iron.

I agree. I hate the body of american humor. Seinfeld wasn't bad and News Radio was fantastic, but most of it I can't stand. Give me Blackadder or the young ones any old day.

That being said...I hate bean with a passion. It's self-indulgent and yes, childish. I find it just as bad as most american popular humor, possibly a shade worse. Woody Allen once said that the thing that makes humor funny is the inherent truth to it. Humor is realising what's wrong with the world and ribbing on it to call attention to it and to lighten the burden. You should listen to some of his old stand-up routines. He, Mort Sahl and Chris Rock took social commentary to new levels. Just a suggestion, YMMV.

Triv

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

n-baxley (103975) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987296)

I fyou liked News Radio, I suggest you check out Scrubs. It's in it's second season this fall. I think you can catch reruns during the summer on Tuesday or Thursday nights. It's the only show I watch any more besides The Mole.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

ErikZ (55491) | more than 11 years ago | (#3988542)


You know, this may come as a shock, but Woody Allen isn't funny.

So, his statement on "What makes things funny." is probably very, very, wrong.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

Triv (181010) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989305)

I'm talking specifically about his standup here, the stuff he did in Greenwich village in the mid-sixties when New York was segregated - there were places you couldn't go (Like the New York Athletic Club) if you were Jewish. Very few people have heard this stuff, but it's where most of his more famous quotes come from: "Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." etc.

Woody Allen's not funny now, no (although I like some of his movies. Not most.) I agree with that. His straight comedy, on the other hand, was groundbreaking.

Triv

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

DunbarTheInept (764) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989140)

While I don't find Woody Allen funny, apparently you do, which makes me wonder why you think American humor isn't funny. Last time I checked Woody Allen is American.

The Simpsons. Dilbert. The Onion. - we Americans "get" satire just fine.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (1)

Malc (1751) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986767)

Ugh: posted before I was ready:

You claim that the name SatireWire gives it away. What does the name "The Onion" do? It certainly doesn't conjure up images of being a normal source for news. It too immediately alerts me to the fact that there is something odd going on. Sorry, but your argument on this point doesn't cut it.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

L. VeGas (580015) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986604)

Englishmen who claim that America doesn't understand irony

Brits think America doesn't understand irony? I understand irony perfectly. As a matter of fact, I iron my pants every day.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

seanmeister (156224) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986725)

Brits think America doesn't understand irony? I understand irony perfectly. As a matter of fact, I iron my pants every day.

Thanks. Now they'll also think we don't understand humor.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

MAXOMENOS (9802) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987041)

How ironic.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (1)

Paradise Pete (33184) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986860)

I understand irony perfectly. As a matter of fact, I iron my pants every day.

That would make you the ironer. Your pants would be the irony.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (1)

elmegil (12001) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986952)

Are you saying he doesn't understand his pants?

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (1)

MrFredBloggs (529276) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986622)

I`m possibly one of those "fellow Englishmen who claim that America doesn't understand irony" that you`re talking about, but a lot of us do not fit into the second category, those who believe that "American humo[u]r isn't funny". American humour at its best is far superior to that of the UK, especially when it comes to films and sit coms (if not books). But I`ve lost count of the number of times i`ve seen `is this a joke` when clearly it is, and i`m not going to suggest its because they are stupid.
I like the Onion, and have the first book, but after a while you can just read the headline and extrapolate the text of the article itself - theres a bit of a formula going on there.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

mgblst (80109) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989730)

American humour at its best is far superior to that of the UK, especially when it comes to films and sit com

I am not from the US or the UK, so lack the usual bias in interpreting these statements, but what you have just said amazes me. American humour in films and sitcoms is the worst form of trash ever, with a few notable exceptions.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (0)

Bush Pig (175019) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989826)

I guess like most generalisations, this really misses a lot. Billy Connelly (British) is extremely funny (even without the subtitles), while Benny Hill (also British)isn't (at least to my Australian sense of humour). Equally, American humour varies in quality from, say, Seinfeld (not funny) to 'The Simpsons' (very funny).

shame about your over-analytical nature (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986646)

SatireWire is as funny or funnier than TheOnion.
Get over the name. It is not important.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2)

mshiltonj (220311) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986648)

SatireWire may be all of these things, but the name 'gives it away' - by clearly saying "It's a joke! Funny!", the joke's impact is lessened.


I agree totally. It should BusinessNewsToday.com, or anything that might fool the Chinese press into running a story [slashdot.org] .

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (2, Interesting)

numatrix (242325) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986660)

I don't know, I think it's entirely likely that people will read the satirewire and not know that's exactly what it is.

Never underestimate the stupidity of humanity. If 1 person is smart, 10 are slow, and 100 are stupid, then all of mankind must be retarded.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987807)

Then why are Brit comedies so popular here?

I am so tired of the America bashing.

We're such a diverse population that saying anything like "Americans think..." is to make yourself look like a bloody fool.

We like stupid sitcoms, Brit humor, Japansese anime comedies, slapstick, satire, and so on. Many forms of comedy have been successful in this country.

Re:Sounds like fun - shame about the name (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3989883)

See, that's the thing: 'The Onion' is -not- subtle. Not even slightly. This doesn't mean it's not funny or satirical: it definately does both jobs well. But most American comedy just isn't subtle at all. I think this is the major difference in the UK/American views on comedy: Americans think they're being subtle when they're not.

Of course, this doesn't mean American comedy isn't funny: it's just more upfront and blatant.

Plagarism (4, Interesting)

tuxedo-steve (33545) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986489)

Something that has been irritating me no end of late is the frequency with which articles on Satirewire are copied verbatim and passed off as original work. This doesn't just happen on the 'net. The student magazine of my university (which will remain nameless) has on a number of occasions published Satirewire articles uncited and unacknowledged. I've emailed the editors to complain of this, without receiving so much as a reply (let alone a printed acknowledgement, god forbid).

This, I suppose, is the risk of running a great site like Satirewire that produces high-quality, original, goddamned funny content - people read it, wish they could write something as good, then figure "what the hell" and just steal it. I guess Marlatt could take it as a compliment, but only insofar as you would take having your house robbed as a compliment.

Pants-wettingly funny book, anyway. Get it.

Re:Plagarism (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986602)

Something that has been irritating me no end of late is the frequency with which posts on Slashdot are copied verbatim and passed off as original work. This doesn't just happen on the 'net. The student magazine of my school (which will remain nameless) has on a number of occasions published Slashdot articles (god forbid) uncited and unacknowledged. I've emailed the editors to complain of this, without receiving so much as a reply (let alone a printed acknowledgement).

This, I suppose, is the risk of running a great site like Slashdot that contains high-quality, original, goddamned funny comments - people read them, wish they could write something as good, then figure "what the hell" and just steal them. I guess Serial Troller could take it as a compliment, but only insofar as you would take having your house robbed as a compliment.

MetaPlagarism (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987077)

+1 Funny!

Re:Plagarism (2)

alnapp (321260) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987095)

It happens

I contribute every so often to The Brains Trust [thebrainstrust.co.uk] we make little or no money but its fun.

One of our most widly read articles was "Depressed Man diagnosed as british" [thebrainstrust.co.uk] published at the start of this year. Since then we've seen it as an email (Rebranded as "Depressed man diagnosed as Scottish") and on at least Three [thehummingbird.net] other [bluehaze.com.au] Sites [bigbadjon.co.za] .

Still, they say imitation is the etc etc etc

It's happened before (1)

KI0PX (266692) | more than 11 years ago | (#3988135)

Check out the April 2001 (?) issue of Reader's Digest. A woman wrote in response to an article about J.K. Rolling. She quoted the Onion, saying that millions of children were being converted to witchcraft because of the Harry Potter books, and that the children's books should be banned. Reader's Digest let her in on the fact that the Onion was satirical. (Reminds me of the Onion headline, "Funt lets Kennedy in on hilarious 'Cuban Missile Crisis' gag")

bite my ass you nazi moderators (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986498)

go on. i dare you.

Fortune? (3, Insightful)

transient (232842) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986503)

SatireWire is a deadpan Fortune/Forbes/CIO Magazine (with a touch of Adbusters)

are you sure about this? i was never under the impression that satirewire was this focused. consider these headlines:

  • POLICE MUST NOTIFY RESIDENTS WHEN CATHOLIC CHURCH MOVES INTO NEIGHBORHOOD
  • HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS DEMAND WARS IN EASIER-TO-FIND COUNTRIES
  • AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
maybe i'm being dense but i fail to see how any of these are related to fortune, forbes, cio, or adbusters.

--

A truly funny strip (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986519)

hackles.org [hackles.org]

It is in complete accord with the stuff that gets moderated as "funny" on slashdot.

[LOTR Troll] Full House: The Grocery Store (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986521)

Danny Tanner woke up abruptly with a massive hangover, vomited into his bedside sick-bucket and wiped his mouth with the bedsheets. "FUCKING SHIT," he exclaimed after pressing his lips to an empty plastic 1.75L bottle of Jenkins 90 Proof Vodka, "Out again already, goddamnit!", chucking the empty plastic jug to the floor. Danny Tanner staggered his way down the hall banging on his children's doors as he passed, yelling "Get your asses out of bed! We need to take a little trip to the store for daddy because none of you little bastards is old enough to buy alcohol! I expect that you'll all have your collars on by the time I'm done taking a shit! Make sure you fasten Michelle's tighter this time!" The Live Studio Audience whoops in approval. Danny slams the bathroom door shut. Shortly afterwards, distinguishable gas farts and watery diarrhea noises are heard from the surrounding rooms, accompanied by grunts, moans and further vomiting.

D.J. was aware of the consequences of not using Danny's allotted time window, so promptly put on her dog collar with the spikes pointing toward the neck, as this is the only way Danny would accept them to be worn (with fear of beating mind you.) It was always the opinion of D.J. that mild stabbing pains around the neck were preferable to a savage beating in addition to the stabbing pains later. Being the eldest forced her into the position of being "responsible" for the younger siblings and thusly would endure the majority of all beatings. Steph knew this and purposefully made D.J. chase her around the living room yelling "You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" Upon the third lap, D.J. heard a loud THUD. Michelle, previously perched on the back of the sofa, had fallen face first onto the floor. Although simply shocked by the fall, the small mongoloid only began crying as she noticed the warm blood on her finger after some nosepicking. Live Studio Audience sniggers. Steph finally decided to stop being a little shit and submitted. D.J. put on Steph and Michelle's collars and proceeded to attach the leashes.

After gaining some composure, Danny burst out of the bathroom and headed for Joey's bedroom. Before knocking on the door, he noticed grunting coming out of the room. "Don't try to insert an un-lubed summer sausage of that size into me, Joey! It'll rip!" Jesse's toned-down voice could be heard through Joey's door. Danny yelled "Uhm, I'm going out to get some booze, you guys want any?" Footsteps shuffled and magazine pages were thumbed through for several seconds before Joey replied, "No, we're cool. Jesse's just....helping me...clean ... up. See you later." Danny made his way back downstairs while listening to more shuffling and manly giggling.

"Well well," he condescendingly remarked "so you finally learned." Danny took the three leashes and lightly yanked them along towards The Van. "Get yer asses in." Danny opened the The Van's rear door, exposing the three lettuce crates of which he had created makeshift child seats, tethered with nylon rope. "Seatbelts please. Thank you!" The girls hadn't yet fastened their "safety belts," but would need to, with Danny's erratic driving skills.

Danny Tanner peeled out of the driveway, nearly hitting D.J.'s young friend Kimberly Gibbler. The Live Studio Audience cheers with laughter as Kimmy is caught off guard and crashes her banana-seat bicycle into the Tanner mailbox. Laugh Track plays as Danny observes the incident through his rear-view mirror and remarks, "I'll deal with that shit when we get home." Danny darted down the interstate, passing cars in both the fast and slow lanes, taking the second exit. Danny disregards the offramp stop sign and tears-ass into the Safeway parking lot's primo handicapped parking space. Danny hops out of The Van, opens the rear doors, take his daughters' leashes and marches them into the supermarket's seafood section. Danny lifts Michelle into a freezer "playpen" bin and instructs his two older daughters to "Keep an eye on this one, or else." Danny left the store in a rush, exiting to the right toward Jake's Liquor Store.

Steph opens a plastic container of imitation crab meat and dumps the liquid-solid mixture onto her younger sister's head. Michelle shivers as she grips the frost-laden freezer bin's outer edges, trying to hoist herself up a bit to see what was happening in the store.

A young boy of Steph's age had escaped his mother's kiddie harness and peeked over the opposite side of the bin, where Michelle and her sisters couldn't see him. Knowing that the young child was mentally crippled, he, like the Live Studio Audience found it humorous that tugging on the toddler's jumpsuit pajamas caused her to fall over. Michelle restored herself to the former standing position on side of the freezer, but was tugged down a second time with greater force and began crying. The young boy ran away chuckling. Steph heard this and yelled "Hey I know you! You're Bobby Sherman! Wait up!" Steph darted off as onlookers watched the four-child spectacle happen around the freezer bin. D.J. yelled "Hey! Get back here!" and chased after the middle child, Live Studio Audience laughing. The shoppers quickly lost interest and didn't notice that Michelle had managed to climb out of the freezer bin. Michelle squandered her newly-gained freedom for several minutes picking up dust-bunnies from under the massive refrigerator with her cold numb hands and tasting them.

Danny soon returned from the liquor store, three shopping bags in hand. "Oh what the FUCK!" he roared as he saw the Michelle alone, sitting beside the receptacle. He heaved his daughter back into the frosty cell and went on a hunting trip for his other children. Not half a minute had elapsed before he heard the pitter-patter of two sets of feet. He spotted D.J. chasing her sister down the T.V. dinner aisle and quickly caught up, kicking D.J. square in the back as she grasped Steph's leash. Both girls fell to the floor hard as D.J. impacted with Steph. "You'll suffer the penalties when we get home, but you need to retrieve your sister RIGHT FUCKING NOW and get in The Van before I beat you right here!" The two girls make their way back to the freezer and struggle to get the little tard out and are finally hauled off by their leashes toward The Van.

After crumbling and chucking the handicapped parking ticket that was under his windshield wiper, Danny drove home at a slower speed, obeying all traffic laws for the most part. He was very angry and was deciding on the punishment for his two oldest daughters. The show's scene-switching saxophone music plays as it fades into the Tanner residence backyard, where Danny is supporting the lid of a metal box. "Your punishment, eighteen hours in the hot box! Your whore of a mother would be ashamed if she were still alive." he grinned maniacally as he shoved the girls into the homemade black spray-painted hotbox in the noon sun.

Danny, being a reasonable father, went inside with Michelle on his left shoulder. He offloaded his youngest into her crib, and returned with a bottle containing an equal measure combination of Gordon's Gin and whole milk. The Live Studio Audience "Awwwws" as the child dozes off from the alcohol she consumes, and the scene fades into credits.

The Worst Book I have Ever Read (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986530)

I am telling this book is bad. I read it and I can
honestly say that it absolutely stinks. Don't waste
your hard-earned money. I can emphasise just how
poorly written this book.

This review is no different to the sponsored reviews
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intellectual commentary is nothing more than a ploy
to get to buy this book.

Slashdot is being used as a marketing tool, because
far too many readers will take this review as gospel and rush out to buy the book.

Don't fall for it. If you really want this crappy
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Chapter 5: The White Rider (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986556)

All Readers: I am now taking requests for new chapters. Email me: booty_shake@yahoo.com Chapter 5 The White Rider 'My very bones are chilled,' said Gimli, flapping his arms and stamping his feet. Day had come at last. At dawn the companions had made such breakfast as they could; now in the growing light they were getting ready to search the ground again for signs of the hobbits. 'And do not forget that old man!' said Gimli. 'I should be happier if I could see the print of a boot.' 'Why would that make you happy?' said Legolas. 'Because an old man with feet that leave marks might be no more than he seemed,' answered the Dwarf. 'Maybe,' said the Elf; 'but a heavy boot might leave no print here: the grass is deep and springy.' 'That would not baffle a Ranger,' said Gimli. 'A bent blade is enough for Aragorn to read. But I do not expect him to find any traces. It was an evil phantom of Saruman that we saw last night. I am sure of it, even under the light of morning. His eyes are looking out on us from Fangorn even now, maybe.' 'It is likely enough,' said Aragorn; 'yet I am not sure. I am thinking of the horses. You said last night, Gimli, that they were scared away. But I did not think so. Did you hear them, Legolas? Did they sound to you like beasts in terror?' 'No,' said Legolas. 'I heard them clearly. But for the darkness and our own fear I should have guessed that they were beasts wild with some sudden gladness. They spoke as horses will when they meet a friend that they have long missed.' 'So I thought,' said Aragorn; 'but I cannot read the riddle, unless they return. Come! The light is growing fast. Let us look first and guess later! We should begin here, near to our own camping-ground, searching carefully all about, and working up the slope towards the forest. To find the hobbits is our errand, whatever we may think of our visitor in the night. If they escaped by some chance, then they must have hidden in the trees, or they would have been seen. If we find nothing between here and the eaves of the wood, then we will make a last search upon the battle-field and among the ashes. But there is little hope there: the horsemen of Rohan did their work too well.' For some time the companions crawled and groped upon the ground. The tree stood mournfully above them, its dry leaves now hanging limp, and rattling in the chill easterly wind. Aragorn moved slowly away. He came to the ashes of the watch-fire near the river-bank, and then began to retrace the ground back towards the knoll where the battle had been fought. Suddenly he stooped and bent low with his face almost in the grass. Then he called to the others. They came running up. 'Here at last we find news!' said Aragorn. He lifted up a broken leaf for them to see, a large pale leaf of golden hue, now fading and turning brown. 'Here is a mallorn-leaf of Lorien, and there are small crumbs on it, and a few more crumbs in the grass. And see! there are some pieces of cut cord lying nearby!' 'And here is the knife that cut them!' said Gimli. He stooped and drew out of a tussock, into which some heavy foot had trampled it, a short jagged blade. The haft from which it had been snapped was beside it. 'It was an orc-weapon,' he said, holding it gingerly, and looking with disgust at the carved handle: it had been shaped like a hideous head with squinting eyes and leering mouth. 'Well, here is the strangest riddle that we have yet found!' exclaimed Legolas. 'A bound prisoner escapes both from the Orcs and from the surrounding horsemen. He then stops, while still in the open, and cuts his bonds with an orc-knife. But how and why? For if his legs were tied, how did he walk? And if his arms were tied, how did he use the knife? And if neither were tied, why did he cut the cords at all? Being pleased with his skill, he then sat down and quietly ate some waybread! That at least is enough to show that he was a hobbit, without the mallorn-leaf. After that, I suppose, he turned his arms into wings and flew away singing into the trees. It should be easy to find him: we only need wings ourselves!' 'There was sorcery here right enough,' said Gimli. 'What was that old man doing? What have you to say, Aragorn, to the reading of Legolas. Can you better it?' 'Maybe, I could,' said Aragorn, smiling. 'There are some other signs near at hand that you have not considered. I agree that the prisoner was a hobbit and must have had either legs or hands free, before he came here. I guess that it was hands, because the riddle then becomes easier, and also because, as I read the marks, he was carried to this point by an Orc. Blood was spilled there, a few paces away, orc-blood. There are deep prints of hoofs all about this spot, and signs that a heavy thing was dragged away. The Orc was slain by horsemen, and later his body was hauled to the fire. But the hobbit was not seen: he was not "in the open", for it was night and he still had his elven-cloak. He was exhausted and hungry, and it is not to be wondered at that, when he had cut his bonds with the knife of his fallen enemy, he rested and ate a little before he crept away. But it is a comfort to know that he had some lembas in his pocket, even though he ran away without gear or pack; that, perhaps, is like a hobbit. I say he, though I hope and guess that both Merry and Pippin were here together. There is, however, nothing to show that for certain.' 'And how do you suppose that either of our friends came to have a hand free?' asked Gimli. 'I do not know how it happened,' answered Aragorn. 'Nor do I know why an Orc was carrying them away. Not to help them to escape, we may be sure. Nay, rather I think that I now begin to understand a matter that has puzzled me from the beginning: why when Boromir had fallen were the Orcs content with the capture of Merry and Pippin? They did not seek out the rest of us, nor attack our camp; but instead they went with all speed towards Isengard. Did they suppose they had captured the Ring-bearer and his faithful comrade? I think not. Their masters would not dare to give such plain orders to Orcs, even if they knew so much themselves; they would not speak openly to them of the Ring: they are not trusty servants. But I think the Orcs had been commanded to capture hobbits, alive, at all costs. An attempt was made to slip out with the precious prisoners before the battle. Treachery perhaps, likely enough with such folk; some large and bold Orc may have been trying to escape with the prize alone, for his own ends. There, that is my tale. Others might be devised. But on this we may count in any case: one at least of our friends escaped. It is our task to find him and help him before we return to Rohan. We must not be daunted by Fangorn, since need drove him into that dark place.' 'I do not know which daunts me more: Fangorn, or the thought of the long road through Rohan on foot,' said Gimli. 'Then let us go to the forest,' said Aragorn. It was not long before Aragorn found fresh signs. At one point, near the bank of the Entwash, he came upon footprints: hobbit-prints, but too light for much to be made of them. Then again beneath the bole of a great tree on the very edge of the wood more prints were discovered. The earth was bare and dry, and did not reveal much. 'One hobbit at least stood here for a while and looked back; and then he turned away into the forest,' said Aragorn. 'Then we must go in, too,' said Gimli. 'But I do not like the look of this Fangorn: and we were warned against it. I wish the chase had led anywhere else!' 'I do not think the wood feels evil, whatever tales may say,' said Legolas. He stood under the eaves of the forest, stooping forward, as if he were listening, and peering with wide eyes into the shadows. 'No, it is not evil; or what evil is in it is far away. I catch only the faintest echoes of dark places where the hearts of the trees are black. There is no malice near us; but there is watchfulness, and anger.' 'Well, it has no cause to be angry with me,' said Gimli. 'I have done it no harm. ' 'That is just as well,' said Legolas. 'But nonetheless it has suffered harm. There is something happening inside, or going to happen. Do you not feel the tenseness? It takes my breath.' 'I feel the air is stuffy,' said the Dwarf. 'This wood is lighter than Mirkwood, but it is musty and shabby.' 'It is old, very old,' said the Elf. 'So old that almost I feel young again, as I have not felt since I journeyed with you children. It is old and full of memory. I could have been happy here, if I had come in days of peace.' 'I dare say you could,' snorted Gimli. 'You are a Wood-elf, anyway, though Elves of any kind are strange folk. Yet you comfort me. Where you go, I will go. But keep your bow ready to hand, and I will keep my axe loose in my belt. Not for use on trees,' he added hastily, looking up at the tree under which they stood. 'I do not wish to meet that old man at unawares without an argument ready to hand, that is all. Let us go!' With that the three hunters plunged into the forest of Fangorn. Legolas and Gimli left the tracking to Aragorn. There was little for him to see. The floor of the forest was dry and covered with a drift of leaves; but guessing that the fugitives would stay near the water, he returned often to the banks of the stream. So it was that he came upon the place where Merry and Pippin had drunk and bathed their feet. There plain for all to see were the footprints of two hobbits, one somewhat smaller than the other. 'This is good tidings,' said Aragorn. 'Yet the marks are two days old And it seems that at this point the hobbits left the water-side.' 'Then what shall we do now?' said Gimli. 'We cannot pursue them through the whole fastness of Fangorn. We have come ill supplied. If we do not find them soon, we shall be of no use to them, except to sit down beside them and show our friendship by starving together.' 'If that is indeed all we can do, then we must do that,' said Aragorn. 'Let us go on.' They came at length to the steep abrupt end of Treebeard's Hill and looked up at the rock-wall with its rough steps leading to the high shelf. Gleams of sun were striking through the hurrying clouds, and the forest now looked less grey and drear. 'Let us go up and look about us!' said Legolas. 'I will feel my breath short. I should like to taste a freer air for a while.' The companions climbed up. Aragorn came last, moving slowly: he was scanning the steps and ledges closely. 'I am almost sure that the hobbits have been up here,' he said. 'But there are other marks, very strange marks, which I do not understand. I wonder if we can see anything from this ledge which will help us to guess which way they went next?' He stood up and looked about, but he saw nothing that was of any use. The shelf faced southward and eastward; but only on the east was the view open. There he could see the heads of the trees descending in ranks towards the plain from which they had come. 'We have journeyed a long way round,' said Legolas. 'We could have all come here safe together, if we had left the Great River on the second or third day and struck west. Few can foresee whither their road will lead them, till they come to its end.' 'But we did not wish to come to Fangorn,' said Gimli. 'Yet here we are-and nicely caught in the net,' said Legolas. 'Look!' 'Look at what?' said Gimli. 'There in the trees.' 'Where? I have not elf-eyes.' 'Hush! Speak more softly! Look!' said Legolas pointing. 'Down in the wood, back in the Way that we have just come. It is he. Cannot you see him, passing from tree to tree?' 'I see, I see now!' hissed Gimli. 'Look, Aragorn! Did I not warn you? There is the old man. All in dirty grey rags: that is why I could not see him at first.' Aragorn looked and beheld a bent figure moving slowly. It was not far away. It looked like an old beggar-man, walking wearily, leaning on a rough staff. His head was bowed, and he did not look towards them. In other lands they would have greeted him with kind words; but now they stood silent, each feeling a strange expectancy: something was approaching that held a hidden power-or menace. Gimli gazed with wide eyes for a while, as step by step the figure drew nearer. Then suddenly, unable to contain himself longer, he burst out: 'Your bow, Legolas! Bend it! Get ready! It is Saruman. Do not let him speak, or put a spell upon us! Shoot first!' Legolas took his bow and bent it, slowly and as if some other will resisted him. He held an arrow loosely in his hand but did not fit it to the string. Aragorn stood silent, his face was watchful and intent. 'Why are you waiting? What is the matter with you?' said Gimli in a hissing whisper. 'Legolas is right,' said Aragorn quietly. 'We may not shoot an old man so, at unawares and unchallenged, whatever fear or doubt be on us. Watch and wait!' At that moment the old man quickened his pace and came with surprising speed to the foot of the rock-wall. Then suddenly he looked up, while they stood motionless looking down. There was no sound. They could not see his face: he was hooded, and above the hood he wore a wide-brimmed hat, so that all his features were over-shadowed, except for the end of his nose and his grey beard. Yet it seemed to Aragorn that he caught the gleam of eyes keen and bright from within the shadow of the hooded brows. At last the old man broke the silence. 'Well met indeed, my friends,' he said in a soft voice. 'I wish to speak to you. Will you come down or shall I come up?' Without waiting for an answer he began to climb. 'Now!' said Gimli. 'Stop him, Legolas!' 'Did I not say that I wished to speak to you?' said the old man. 'Put away that bow, Master Elf!' The bow and arrow fell from Legolas' hands, and his arms hung loose at his sides. 'And you, Master Dwarf, pray take your hand from your axe-haft, till I am up! You will not need such arguments.' Gimli started and then stood still as stone, staring, while the old man sprang up the rough steps as nimbly as a goat. All weariness seemed to have left him. As he stepped up on to the shelf there was a gleam, too brief for certainty, a quick glint of white, as if some garment shrouded by the grey rags had been for an instant revealed The intake of Gimli's breath could be heard as a loud hiss in the silence. 'Well met, I say again!' said the old man, coming towards them. When he was a few feet away, he stood, stooping over his staff, with his head thrust forward, peering at them from under his hood. 'And what may you be doing in these parts? An Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf, all clad in elvish fashion. No doubt there is a tale worth hearing behind it all. Such things are not often seen here.' 'You speak as one that knows Fangorn well,' said Aragorn. 'Is that so?' 'Not well,' said the old man: 'that would be the study of many lives. But I come here now and again.' 'Might we know your name, and then hear what it is that you have to say to us?' said Aragorn. 'The morning passes, and we have an errand that will not wait.' 'As for what I wished to say, I have said it: What may you be doing, and what tale can you tell of yourselves? As for my name!' He broke off, laughing long and softly. Aragorn felt a shudder run through him at the sound, a strange cold thrill; and yet it was not fear or terror that he felt: rather it was like the sudden bite of a keen air, or the slap of a cold rain that wakes an uneasy sleeper. 'My name!' said the old man again. 'Have you not guessed it already? You have heard it before, I think. Yes, you have heard it before. But come now, what of your tale?' The three companions stood silent and made no answer. 'There are some who would begin to doubt whether your errand is fit to tell,' said the old man. 'Happily I know something of it. You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits, I believe. Yes, hobbits. Don't stare, as if you had never heard the strange name before. You have, and so have I. Well, they climbed up here the day before yesterday; and they met someone that they did not expect. Does that comfort you? And now you would like to know where they were taken? Well, well, maybe I can give you some news about that. But why are we standing? Your errand, you see, is no longer as urgent as you thought. Let us sit down and be more at ease.' The old man turned away and went towards a heap of fallen stones and rock at the foot of the cliff behind. Immediately, as if a spell had been removed, the others relaxed and stirred. Gimli's hand went at once to his axe-haft. Aragorn drew his sword. Legolas picked up his bow. The old man took no notice, but stooped and sat himself on a low flat stone. Then his grey cloak drew apart, and they saw, beyond doubt, that he was clothed beneath all in white. 'Saruman!' cried Gimli, springing towards him with axe in hand. 'speak! Tell us where you have hidden our friends! What have you done with them? Speak, or I will make a dint in your hat that even a wizard will find it hard to deal with!' The old man was too quick for him. He sprang to his feet and leaped to the top of a large rock. There he stood, grown suddenly tall, towering above them. His hood and his grey rags were flung away. His white garments shone. He lifted up his staff, and Gimli's axe leaped from his grasp and fell ringing on the ground. The sword of Aragorn, stiff in his motionless hand, blazed with a sudden fire. Legolas gave a great shout and shot an arrow high into the air: it vanished in a flash of flame. 'Mithrandir!' he cried. 'Mithrandir!' 'Well met, I say to you again. Legolas!' said the old man. They all gazed at him. His hair was white as snow in the sunshine; and gleaming white was his robe; the eyes under his deep brows were bright, piercing as the rays of the sun; power was in his hand. Between wonder, joy, and fear they stood and found no words to say. At last Aragorn stirred. 'Gandalf!' he said. 'Beyond all hope you return to us in our need! What veil was over my sight? Gandalf!' Gimli said nothing, hut sank to his knees, shading his eyes. 'Gandalf,' the old man repeated, as if recalling from old memory a long disused word. 'Yes, that was the name. I was Gandalf.' He stepped down from the rock, and picking up his grey cloak wrapped it about him: it seemed as if the sun had been shining, but now was hid in cloud again. 'Yes, you may still call me Gandalf,' he said, and the voice was the voice of their old friend and guide. 'Get up, my good Gimli! No blame to you, and no harm done to me. Indeed my friends, none of you have any weapon that could hurt me. Be merry! We meet again. At the turn of the tide. The great storm is coming, but the tide has turned.' He laid his hand on Gimli's head, and the Dwarf looked up and laughed suddenly. 'Gandalf!' he said. 'But you are all in white!' 'Yes, I am white now,' said Gandalf. 'Indeed I am Saruman, one might almost say, Saruman as he should have been. But come now, tell me of yourselves! I have passed through fire and deep water, since we parted. I have forgotten much that I thought I knew, and learned again much that I had forgotten. I can see many things far off, but many things that are close at hand I cannot see. Tell me of yourselves!' 'What do you wish to know?' said Aragorn. 'All that has happened since we parted on the bridge would be a long tale. Will you not first give us news of the hobbits? Did you find them, and are they safe?' 'No, I did not find them,' said Gandalf. 'There was a darkness over the valleys of the Emyn Muil, and I did not know of their captivity, until the eagle told me.' 'The eagle!' said Legolas. 'I have seen an eagle high and far off: the last time was three days ago, above the Emyn Muil.' 'Yes,' said Gandalf, 'that was Gwaihir the Windlord, who rescued me from Orthanc. I sent him before me to watch the River and gather tidings. His sight is keen, but he cannot see all that passes under hill and tree. Some things he has seen, and others I have seen myself. The Ring now has passed beyond my help, or the help of any of the Company that set out from Rivendell. Very nearly it was revealed to the Enemy, but it escaped. I had some part in that: for I sat in a high place, and I strove with the Dark Tower; and the Shadow passed. Then I was weary, very weary; and I walked long in dark thought.' 'Then you know about Frodo!' said Gimli. 'How do things go with him?' 'I cannot say. He was saved from a great peril, but many lie before him still. He resolved to go alone to Mordor, and he set out: that is all that I can say.' 'Not alone,' said Legolas. 'We think that Sam went with him.' 'Did he!' said Gandalf, and there was a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face. 'Did he indeed? It is news to me, yet it does not surprise me. Good! Very good! You lighten my heart. You must tell me more. Now sit by me and tell me the tale of your journey.' The companions sat on the ground at his feet, and Aragorn took up the tale. For a long while Gandalf said nothing, and he asked no questions. His hands were spread upon his knees, and his eyes were closed. At last when Aragorn spoke of the death of Boromir and of his last journey upon the Great River, the old man sighed. 'You have not said all that you know or guess, Aragorn my friend,' he said quietly. 'Poor Boromir! I could not see what happened to him. It was a sore trial for such a man: a warrior, and a lord of men. Galadriel told me that he was in peril. But he escaped in the end. I am glad. It was not in vain that the young hobbits came with us, if only for Boromir's sake. But that is not the only part they have to play. They were brought to Fangorn, and their coming was like the falling of small stones that starts an avalanche in the mountains. Even as we talk here, I hear the first rumblings. Saruman had best not be caught away from home when the dam bursts!' 'In one thing you have not changed, dear friend,' said Aragorn: 'you still speak in riddles.' 'What? In riddles?' said Gandalf. 'No! For I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.' He laughed, but the sound now seemed warm and kindly as a gleam of sunshine. 'I am no longer young even in the reckoning of Men of the Ancient Houses,' said Aragorn. 'Will you not open your mind more clearly to me?' 'What then shall I say?' said Gandalf, and paused for a while in thought. 'This in brief is how I see things at the moment, if you wish to have a piece of my mind as plain as possible. The Enemy, of course, has long known that the Ring is abroad, and that it is borne by a hobbit. He knows now the number of our Company that set out from Rivendell, and the kind of each of us. But he does not yet perceive our purpose clearly. He supposes that we were all going to Minas Tirith; for that is what he would himself have done in our place. And according to his wisdom it would have been a heavy stroke against his power. Indeed he is in great fear, not knowing what mighty one may suddenly appear, wielding the Ring, and assailing him with war, seeking to cast him down and take his place. That we should wish to cast him down and have no one in his place is not a thought that occurs to his mind. That we should try to destroy the Ring itself has not yet entered into his darkest dream. In which no doubt you will see our good fortune and our hope. For imagining war he has let loose war, believing that he has no time to waste; for he that strikes the first blow, if he strikes it hard enough, may need to strike no more. So the forces that he has long been preparing he is now setting in motion, sooner than he intended. Wise fool. For if he had used all his power to guard Mordor, so that none could enter, and bent all his guild to the hunting of the Ring, then indeed hope would have faded: neither Ring nor Bearer could long have eluded him. But now his eye gazes abroad rather than near at home; and mostly he looks towards Minas Tirith. Very soon now his strength will fall upon it like a storm. 'For already he knows that the messengers that he sent to waylay the Company have failed again. They have not found the Ring. Neither have they brought away any hobbits as hostages. Had they done even so much as that, it would have been a heavy blow to us, and it might have been fatal. But let us not darken our hearts by imagining the trial of their gentle loyalty in the Dark Tower. For the Enemy has failed-so far. Thanks to Saruman:' 'Then is not Saruman a traitor?' said Gimli. 'Indeed yes,' said Gandalf. 'Doubly. And is not that strange? Nothing that we have endured of late has seemed so grievous as the treason of Isengard. Even reckoned as a lord and captain Saruman has grown very strong. He threatens the Men of Rohan and draws off their help from Minas Tirith, even as the main blow is approaching from the East. Yet a treacherous weapon is ever a danger to the hand. Saruman also had a mind to capture the Ring, for himself, or at least to snare some hobbits for his evil purposes. So between them our enemies have contrived only to bring Merry and Pippin with marvellous speed, and in the nick of time, to Fangorn, where otherwise they would never have come at all! 'Also they have filled themselves with new doubts that disturb their plans. No tidings of the battle will come to Mordor, thanks to the horsemen of Rohan; but the Dark Lord knows that two hobbits were taken in the Emyn Muil and borne away towards Isengard against the will of his own servants. He now has Isengard to fear as well as Minas Tirith. If Minas Tirith falls, it will go ill with Saruman.' 'It is a pity that our friends lie in between,' said Gimli. 'If no land divided Isengard and Mordor, then they could fight while we watched and waited.' 'The victor would emerge stronger than either, and free from doubt,' said Gandalf. 'But Isengard cannot fight Mordor, unless Saruman first obtains the Ring. That he will never do now. He does not yet know his peril. There is much that he does not know. He was so eager to lay his hands on his prey that he could not wait at home, and he came forth to meet and to spy on his messengers. But he came too late, for once, and the battle was over and beyond his help before he reached these parts. He did not remain here long. I look into his mind and I see his doubt. He has no woodcraft. He believes that the horsemen slew and burned all upon the field of battle; but he does not know whether the Orcs were bringing any prisoners or not. And he does not know of the quarrel between his servants and the Orcs of Mordor; nor does he know of the Winged Messenger.' 'The Winged Messenger!' cried Legolas. 'I shot at him with the bow of Galadriel above Sarn Gebir, and I felled him from the sky. He filled us all with fear. What new terror is this?' 'One that you cannot slay with arrows,' said Gandalf. 'You only slew his steed. It was a good deed; but the Rider was soon horsed again. For he was a Nazgul, one of the Nine, who ride now upon winged steeds. Soon their terror will overshadow the last armies of our friends, cutting off the sun. But they have not yet been allowed to cross the River, and Saruman does not know of this new shape in which the Ringwraiths have been clad. His thought is ever on the Ring. Was it present in the battle? Was it found? What if Theoden, Lord of the Mark, should come by it and learn of its power? That is the danger that he sees, and he has fled back to Isengard to double and treble his assault on Rohan. And all the time there is another danger, close at hand, which he does not see, busy with his fiery thoughts. He has forgotten Treebeard.' 'Now you speak to yourself again,' said Aragorn with a smile. 'Treebeard is not known to me. And I have guessed part of Saruman's double treachery; yet I do not see in what way the coming of two hobbits to Fangorn has served, save to give us a long and fruitless chase.' 'Wait a minute!' cried Gimli. 'There is another thing that I should like to know first. Was it you, Gandalf, or Saruman that we saw last night?' 'You certainly did not see me,' answered Gandalf, 'therefore I must guess that you saw Saruman. Evidently we look so much alike that your desire to make an incurable dent in my hat must be excused.' 'Good, good!' said Gimli. 'I am glad that it was not you.' Gandalf laughed again. 'Yes, my good Dwarf,' he said, 'it is a comfort not to be mistaken at all points. Do I not know it only too well! But, of course, I never blamed you for your welcome of me. How could I do so, who have so often counselled my friends to suspect even their own hands when dealing with the Enemy. Bless you, Gimli, son of Gloin! Maybe you will see us both together one day and judge between us!' 'But the hobbits!' Legolas broke in. 'We have come far to seek them, and you seem to know where they are. Where are they now?' 'With Treebeard and the Ents,' said Gandalf. 'The Ents!' exclaimed Aragorn. 'Then there is truth in the old legends about the dwellers in the deep forests and the giant shepherds of the trees? Are there still Ents in the world? I thought they were only a memory of ancient days, if indeed they were ever more than a legend of Rohan.' 'A legend of Rohan!' cried Legolas. 'Nay, every Elf in Wilderland has sung songs of the old Onodrim and their long sorrow. Yet even among us they are only a memory. If I were to meet one still walking in this world, then indeed I should feel young again! But Treebeard: that is only a rendering of Fangorn into the Common Speech; yet you seem to speak of a person. Who is this Treebeard?' 'Ah! now you are asking much,' said Gandalf. 'The little that I know of his long slow story would make a tale for which we have no time now. Treebeard is Fangorn, the guardian of the forest; he is the oldest of the Ents, the oldest living thing that still walks beneath the Sun upon this Middle-earth. I hope indeed, Legolas, that you may yet meet him. Merry and Pippin have been fortunate: they met him here, even where we sit. For he came here two days ago and bore them away to his dwelling far off by the roots of the mountains. He often comes here, especially when his mind is uneasy, and rumours of the world outside trouble him. I saw him four days ago striding among the trees, and I think he saw me, for he paused; but I did not speak, for I was heavy with thought, and weary after my struggle with the Eye of Mordor; and he did not speak either, nor call my name.' 'Perhaps he also thought that you were Saruman,' said Gimli. 'But you speak of him as if he was a friend. I thought Fangorn was dangerous.' 'Dangerous!' cried Gandalf. 'And so am I, very dangerous: more dangerous than anything you will ever meet, unless you are brought alive before the seat of the Dark Lord. And Aragorn is dangerous, and Legolas is dangerous. You are beset with dangers, Gimli son of Gloin; for you are dangerous yourself, in your own fashion. Certainly the forest of Fangorn is perilous-not least to those that are too ready with their axes; and Fangorn himself, he is perilous too; yet he is wise and kindly nonetheless. But now his long slow wrath is brimming over, and all the forest is filled with it. The coming of the hobbits and the tidings that they brought have spilled it: it will soon be running like a flood; but its tide is turned against Saruman and the axes of Isengard. A thing is about to happen which has not happened since the Elder Days: the Ents are going to wake up and find that they are strong.' 'What will they do?' asked Legolas in astonishment. 'I do not know,' said Gandalf. 'I do not think they know themselves. I wonder.' He fell silent, his head bowed in thought. The others looked at him. A gleam of sun through fleeting clouds fell on his hands, which lay now upturned on his lap: they seemed to be filled with light as a cup is with water. At last he looked up and gazed straight at the sun. 'The morning is wearing away,' he said. 'Soon we must go.' 'Do we go to find our friends and to see Treebeard?' asked Aragorn. 'No,' said Gandalf. 'That is not the road that you must take. I have spoken words of hope. But only of hope. Hope is not victory. War is upon us and all our friends, a war in which only the use of the Ring could give us surety of victory. It fills me with great sorrow and great fear: for much shall be destroyed and all may be lost. I am Gandalf, Gandalf the White, but Black is mightier still.' He rose and gazed out eastward, shading his eyes, as if he saw things far away that none of them could see. Then he shook his head. 'No,' he said in a soft voice, 'it has gone beyond our reach. Of that at least let us be glad. We can no longer be tempted to use the Ring. We must go down to face a peril near despair, yet that deadly peril is removed.' He turned. 'Come, Aragorn son of Arathorn!' he said. 'Do not regret your choice in the valley of the Emyn Muil, nor call it a vain pursuit. You chose amid doubts the path that seemed right: the choice was just, and it has been rewarded. For so we have met in time, who otherwise might have met too late. But the quest of your companions is over. Your next journey is marked by your given word. You must go to Edoras and seek out Theoden in his hall. For you are needed. The light of Anduril must now be uncovered in the battle for which it has so long waited. There is war in Rohan, and worse evil: it goes ill with Theoden.' 'Then are we not to see the merry young hobbits again?' said Legolas. 'I did not say so,' said Gandalf. 'Who knows? Have patience. Go where you must go, and hope! To Edoras! I go thither also.' 'It is a long way for a man to walk, young or old,' said Aragorn. 'I fear the battle will be over long ere I come there.' 'We shall see, we shall see,' said Gandalf. 'Will you come now with me?' 'Yes, we will set out together,' said Aragorn. 'But I do not doubt that you will come there before me, if you wish.' He rose and looked long at Gandalf. The others gazed at them in silence as they stood there facing one another. The grey figure of the Man, Aragorn son of Arathorn, was tall, and stern as stone, his hand upon the hilt of his sword; he looked as if some king out of the mists of the sea had stepped upon the shores of lesser men. Before him stooped the old figure, white; shining now as if with some light kindled within, bent, laden with years, but holding a power beyond the strength of kings. 'Do I not say truly, Gandalf,' said Aragorn at last, 'that you could go whithersoever you wished quicker than I? And this I also say: you are our captain and our banner. The Dark Lord has Nine. But we have One, mightier than they: the White Rider. He has passed through the fire and the abyss, and they shall fear him. We will go where he leads.' 'Yes, together we will follow you,' said Legolas. 'But first, it would ease my heart, Gandalf, to hear what befell you in Moria. Will you not tell us? Can you not stay even to tell your friends how you were delivered?' 'I have stayed already too long,' answered Gandalf. 'Time is short. But if there were a year to spend, I would not tell you all.' 'Then tell us what you will, and time allows!' said Gimli. 'Come, Gandalf, tell us how you fared with the Balrog!' 'Name him not!' said Gandalf, and for a moment it seemed that a cloud of pain passed over his face, and he sat silent, looking old as death. 'Long time I fell,' he said at last, slowly, as if thinking back with difficulty. 'Long I fell, and he fell with me. His fire was about me. I was burned. Then we plunged into the deep water and all was dark. Cold it was as the tide of death: almost it froze my heart.' 'Deep is the abyss that is spanned by Durin's Bridge, and none has measured it,' said Gimli. 'Yet it has a bottom, beyond light and knowledge,' said Gandalf. 'Thither I came at last, to the uttermost foundations of stone. He was with me still. His fire was quenched, but now he was a thing of slime, stronger than a strangling snake. 'We fought far under the living earth, where time is not counted. Ever he clutched me, and ever I hewed him, till at last he fled into dark tunnels. They were not made by Durin's folk, Gimli son of Gloin. Far, far below the deepest delving of the Dwarves, the world is gnawed by nameless things. Even Sauron knows them not. They are older than he. Now I have walked there, but I will bring no report to darken the light of day. In that despair my enemy was my only hope, and I pursued him, clutching at his heel. Thus he brought me back at last to the secret ways of Khazad-dum: too well he knew them all. Ever up now we went, until we came to the Endless Stair.' 'Long has that been lost,' said Gimli. 'Many have said that it was never made save in legend, but others say that it was destroyed.' 'It was made, and it had not been destroyed,' said Gandalf. 'From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak it climbed. ascending in unbroken spiral in many thousand steps, until it issued at last in Durin's Tower carved in the living rock of Zirak-zigil, the pinnacle of the Silvertine. 'There upon Celebdil was a lonely window in the snow, and before it lay a narrow space, a dizzy eyrie above the mists of the world. The sun shone fiercely there, but all below was wrapped in cloud. Out he sprang, and even as I came behind, he burst into new flame. There was none to see, or perhaps in after ages songs would still be sung of the Battle of the Peak.' Suddenly Gandalf laughed. 'But what would they say in song? Those that looked up from afar thought that the mountain was crowned with storm. Thunder they heard, and lightning, they said, smote upon Celebdil, and leaped back broken into tongues of fire. Is not that enough? A great smoke rose about us, vapour and steam. Ice fell like rain. I threw down my enemy, and he fell from the high place and broke the mountain-side where he smote it in his ruin. Then darkness took me; and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell. 'Naked I was sent back - for a brief time, until my task is done. And naked I lay upon the mountain-top. The tower behind was crumbled into dust, the window gone; the ruined stair was choked with burned and broken stone. I was alone, forgotten, without escape upon the hard horn of the world. There I lay staring upward, while the stars wheeled over, and each day was as long as a life-age of the earth. Faint to my ears came the gathered rumour of all lands: the springing and the dying, the song and the weeping, and the slow everlasting groan of overburdened stone. And so at the last Gwaihir the Windlord found me again, and he took me up and bore me away. ' 'Ever am I fated to be your burden, friend at need,' I said. ' 'A burden you have been,' he answered, 'but not so now. Light as a swan's feather in my claw you are. The Sun shines through you. Indeed I do not think you need me any more: were I to let you fall you would float upon the wind.' ' 'Do not let me fall!' I gasped, for I felt life in me again. 'Bear me to Lothlorien!' ' 'That indeed is the command of the Lady Galadriel who sent me to look for you,' he answered. 'Thus it was that I came to Caras Galadhon and found you but lately gone. I tarried there in the ageless time of that land where days bring healing not decay. Healing I found, and I was clothed in white. Counsel I gave and counsel took. Thence by strange roads I came, and messages I bring to some of you. To Aragorn I was bidden to say this: Where now are the Dunedain, Elessar, Elessar? Why do thy kinsfolk wander afar? Near is the hour when the Lost should come forth, And the Grey Company ride from the North. But dark is the path appointed for thee: The Dead watch the road that leads to the Sea. To Legolas she sent this word: Legolas Greenleaf long under tree In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea! If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore, Thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more.' Gandalf fell silent and shut his eyes. 'Then she sent me no message?' said Gimli and bent his head. 'Dark are her words,' said Legolas, 'and little do they mean to those that receive them.' 'That is no comfort,' said Gimli. 'What then?' said Legolas. 'Would you have her speak openly to you of your death?' 'Yes. if she had nought else to say.' 'What is that?' said Gandalf, opening his eyes. 'Yes, I think I can guess what her words may mean. Your pardon, Gimli! I was pondering the messages once again. But indeed she sent words to you, and neither dark nor sad. ' "To Gimli son of Gloin," she said, "give his Lady's greeting. Lock-bearer, wherever thou goest my thought goes with thee. But have a care to lay thine axe to the right tree!" ' 'In happy hour you have returned to us, Gandalf,' cried the Dwarf, capering as he sang loudly in the strange dwarf-tongue. 'Come, come!' he shouted, swinging his axe. 'Since Gandalf's head is now sacred, let us find one that it is right to cleave!' 'That will not be far to seek,' said Gandalf, rising from his seat. 'Come! We have spent all the time that is allowed to a meeting of parted friends. Now there is need of haste.' He wrapped himself again in his old tattered cloak, and led the way. Following him they descended quickly from the high shelf and made their way back through the forest, down the bank of the Entwash. They spoke no more words, until they stood again upon the grass beyond the eaves of Fangorn. There was no sign of their horses to be seen. 'They have not returned,' said Legolas. 'It will be a weary walk!' 'I shall not walk. Time presses,' said Gandalf. Then lifting up his head he gave a long whistle. So clear and piercing was the note that the others stood amazed to hear such a sound come from those old bearded lips. Three times he whistled; and then faint and far off it seemed to them that they heard the whinny of a horse borne up from the plains upon the eastern wind. They waited wondering. Before long there came the sound of hoofs, at first hardly more than a tremor of the ground perceptible only to Aragorn as he lay upon the grass, then growing steadily louder and clearer to a quick beat. 'There is more than one horse coming,' said Aragorn. 'Certainly,' said Gandalf. 'We are too great a burden for one.' 'There are three,' said Legolas, gazing out over the plain. 'See how they run! There is Hasufel, and there is my friend Arod beside him! But there is another that strides ahead: a very great horse. I have not seen his like before.' 'Nor will you again,' said Gandalf. 'That is Shadowfax. He is the chief of the Mearas, lords of horses, and not even Theoden, King of Rohan, has ever looked on a better. Does he not shine like silver, and run as smoothly as a swift stream? He has come for me: the horse of the White Rider. We are going to battle together.' Even as the old wizard spoke, the great horse came striding up the slope towards them; his coat was glistening and his mane flowing in the wind of his speed. The two others followed, now far behind. As soon as Shadowfax saw Gandalf, he checked his pace and whinnied loudly; then trotting gently forward he stooped his proud head and nuzzled his great nostrils against the old man's neck. Gandalf caressed him. 'It is a long way from Rivendell, my friend,' he said; 'but you are wise and swift and come at need. Far let us ride now together, and part not in this world again!' Soon the other horses came up and stood quietly by, as if awaiting orders. 'We go at once to Meduseld, the hall of your master, Theoden,' said Gandalf, addressing them gravely. They bowed their heads. 'Time presses, so with your leave, my friends, we will ride. We beg you to use all the speed that you can. Hasufel shall bear Aragorn and Arod Legolas. I will set Gimli before me, and by his leave Shadowfax shall bear us both. We will wait now only to drink a little.' 'Now I understand a part of last night's riddle,' said Legolas as he sprang lightly upon Arod's back. 'Whether they fled at first in fear, or not, our horses met Shadowfax, their chieftain, and greeted him with joy. Did you know that he was at hand, Gandalf?' 'Yes, I knew,' said the wizard. 'I bent my thought upon him, bidding him to make haste; for yesterday he was far away in the south of this land. Swiftly may he bear me back again!' Gandalf spoke now to Shadowfax, and the horse set off at a good pace, yet not beyond the measure of the others. After a little while he turned suddenly, and choosing a place where the banks were lower, he waded the river, and then led them away due south into a flat land, treeless and wide. The wind went like grey waves through the endless miles of grass. There was no sign of road or track, but Shadowfax did not stay or falter. 'He is steering a straight course now for the halls of Theoden under the slopes of the White Mountains,' said Gandalf. 'It will be quicker so. The ground is firmer in the Eastemnet, where the chief northward track lies, across the river, but Shadowfax knows the way through every fen and hollow.' For many hours they rode on through the meads and riverlands. Often the grass was so high that it reached above the knees of the riders, and their steeds seemed to be swimming in a grey-green sea. They came upon many hidden pools, and broad acres of sedge waving above wet and treacherous bogs; but Shadowfax found the way, and the other horses followed in his swath. Slowly the sun fell from the sky down into the West. Looking out over the great plain, far away the riders saw it for a moment like a red fire sinking into the grass. Low upon the edge of sight shoulders of the mountains glinted red upon either side. A smoke seemed to rise up and darken the sun's disc to the hue of blood, as if it had kindled the grass as it passed down under the rim of earth. 'There lies the Gap of Rohan,' said Gandalf. 'It is now almost due west of us. That way lies Isengard.' 'I see a great smoke,' said Legolas. 'What may that be?' 'Battle and war!' said Gandalf. 'Ride on!'

Getting old already.. (1)

turambar386 (254373) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986559)

Once upon a time, about four years ago I found The Onion to be the height of humour. Unfortunately, it quickly got stale repeating the same three jokes over and over again.

Then, during the dot com bubble and collapse, SatireWire was amazingly funny. Alas but it too has run out of jokes now that the "new economy" is in rigor mortis. I rarely even visit to skim through the headlines anymore.

These days, I stick with SomethingAwful for my laughs.

Can anyone else suggest any fresh new mock news sites that haven't used up all their jokes?

Not a mock news site but (1)

JudgeFurious (455868) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986681)

If you haven't already been there (and you probably have) I think Seanbaby.com is some amazingly funny stuff. His SuperFriends page is pretty much the high point of the site but "The Probe" is also pretty damned good.

Re:Not a mock news site but (2)

jayhawk88 (160512) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986740)

Agreed, it's just too bad he updates once in a blue moon.

Re:Not a mock news site but (1)

RoofPig (590281) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989477)

I see is articles in various newspapers from time to time, like a copy of 'The Wave' I picked up in Santa Cruz, CA. There was a very funny article that's nowhere on his site as well as a kick to the groin comic. I guess he's too busy writing articles he gets paid for these days.

Try reading SubIntSoc.net (2)

Artifice_Eternity (306661) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986853)

The Subversive Intellectual Society [subintsoc.net] runs an interesting site. It's not really a mock news site, but it contains a lot of satire, mostly about government, corporate and technology subjects. They pose as some kind of underground political group, and claim that their web site is hosted on a hacked DARPA server.

Right now they are chronicling a fictitious candidate's race to become "Dictator" of Florida [subintsoc.net] .

Re:Try reading SubIntSoc.net (2)

Artifice_Eternity (306661) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986917)

And it's updated every week (1 or 2 new stories).

One the funniest features: Create Your Own Terror Warning [subintsoc.net] .

Re:Try reading SubIntSoc.net (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986943)


Oddly enough, they also have a great article on the history of calculator watches [subintsoc.net] .

Re:Try reading SubIntSoc.net (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986962)


and they have a funny series of e-mails exchanged with a nigerian money transfer guy [subintsoc.net] ...

No one's mentioned modernhumorist.com? (1)

IndependentVik (582582) | more than 11 years ago | (#3988414)

This is a great site--nothing beats their Encyclopedia Brown parodies.

That's easy (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3988577)

Adequacy.org [adequacy.org]

Listen to your elders. Learn from them. Then fire (1)

dknj (441802) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986591)

That's one of the '25 things you must do to succeed in business,' which is one of the stories in this, I have to say it, classically funny book. I have yet to find a page that hasn't made me laugh. Every story? No. But 98 percent of them? Yes. And there are hundreds that take you through the whole New Economy, from the early 90's through now. Too many favorites to mention, but here's two: Based on a true story, the 'Postcards from the Ex' are postcards from companies like Citigroup and Procter & Gamble who write to ex-employees who left for dotcoms. Here's one: 'Jonathan, 'We've done a lot of thinking since you walked out the door to join online retailer Cyberian Outpost, and you know, you were right. We really are all about making money. We envy your freedom. Sincerely, Citigroup' And there's a great one about Cisco that starts: 'The rumors about Cisco Systems have been circulating for months, but the earnings warning and plunge in its share price have left little doubt in investors' minds that Cisco is not just a famous stock, but may in fact have been operating as a large company that makes complex and incomprehensible equipment related to technology.' Yes indeed, this book is great great great.

-dk

Which is better? Linux or Internet Explorer (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986607)

hey. i from the france so forgiving my poor grammar.
i like very much to know which of the better operating systems is linux and internet explorer. friend of mine (not a lover ha ha ha)(jokeing).

please supplying your comments to help my project of high school.

hello (-1)

TheBahxMan (249147) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986613)

And good morning children, the following is the troll report:

Yesterday (and monday) were boring as boring could be. I mean i could have watched paint dry and ben more entertained. The slashbots are getting lamer by the minute as they can no longer find worthy stories...

What's wrong with "Ask Slashdot: Why is Jon Katz Sofa King we Todd did?" (say it out loud you fucktard)

Anyways, I managed to hang out in #slashdot on irc.slashnet.org (yeah, the 'offical' /. chan and they don't even allow trolls in, go fucking figure) for almost the whole day until someone finally snapped that I was proxy hopping to evade bans and banned me again. I could have hopped on a nnother proxy, but I didn't becuase i decided to pick me nose instead. My boogers are green.

Anyhow, as most of my 'dynamic posts' go, I need to start talking about something else before it just degenerates into a ran about the utter disgust I have for fags like jamie mccarthy, who's name I will not capitalize as a sign of disrespect. Oh right michael and malda are fags too. Do you know what taco snotting is? Well if you don't that's a good thing...

Oh right, propz to asspussy on his numerous FPs yesterday and the formation of a new troll IRC network. Maybe, if we do enough various drugs, we can convince ourselves we are leet and do something cool. or something. STFU i'll kill you, you lame excuse for a half rotted pimple on the ass of a herpes ridden warthog.

Perhaps today, today we will see something grand occur, something grand like Linux Pro [cjb.net] . If you don;'t know what it is, make sure you check it out ASAP or you will get AIDS. This is true, just ask Geroge W. Bush or Keith Richards.

Oh right, WorldCom is abruptly terminating its internet services sometime very soon. I hope this means VA will dissappear like it should have last year, taking /. with it of course. malde might actually have to ask for his job at Wendy's back and jamie will have to move back into his parent's basement and give his dad head for rent, just like in the old days. I think his dad will be pleased with the skill jamie has developed in playing the male organ in his time at /.

That's enough for this post, as I'm getting bored.

jamie@

Re:hello (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986682)

Dude - you suck.

No thanks (1)

drsquare (530038) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986617)

Satirewire is just not funny. The jokes are obvious and forced, and about subjects which are tired and no longer funny. Sometimes there's something amusing, but the rest is just unoriginal and unfunny.

TheOnion, on the other hand, is consistently great.

thanks (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986670)

Thanks for you opinion.
I happen to disagree with you.
I think SatireWire is much funnier than TheOnion.
TheOnion's jokes are forced and uninspired by comparison.

Re:No thanks (1)

Quinn (4474) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986728)

The Onion used to be funny, until one realizes it's become just a "Mad Libs" kinda story generating machine. These days, my remaining Onion kicks come from the H-Dawg Kornfeld, stoner dude, and Fashion Bug Plus characters, and occasionally an absurd outburst from a WDYT panel.

Re:No thanks (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987219)

This just in!

Humour is subjective. What's funny to you is not funny to the next guy.

Not everyone has to agree on everything.

Re:No thanks (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3988180)

dude, you're so wrong on this.

they're both hilarious, try reading the "axis of just as evil" article on satirewire and tell me it couldnt be on the front page of the onion

published semiannually every day (1)

gazuga (128955) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986626)

from the headline: "published semiannually every day"

what exactly does that mean?

Re:published semiannually every day (1)

gazuga (128955) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986672)

sorry, little bit slow this morning...

it hit me about 2 seconds after i hit the submit button.

Re:published semiannually every day (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986688)

It means you are a humourless boob.

SatireWire (4, Interesting)

Jodrell (191685) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986630)

I've been reading SatireWire for a couple of years now, and this [satirewire.com] remains one of the funniest graphics I've seen on the net. Sometimes the humour can vary a bit but occasionally it's spot on. I'm slightly disappointed that the book seems to be a collection of old stories from the site, I was looking forward to something new.

I'm not planning on cancelling my order though :-)

Re:SatireWire (2)

Peridriga (308995) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986724)

My favorite site is still 127.0.0.1

Re:SatireWire (2)

Kallahar (227430) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986772)

Gah, I was hoping at least ONE would have been a real web site :(

Travis

Economy of censorship! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986642)

version 1.2.1, (last updated 20th July 2002) [slashdot.org]

Note to moderators : Do not moderate this post down, if you do then you support the editors stance on censorship and you support the end of free speech and support evil organisations like Microsoft, RIAA, MPAA and laws like the CBTBA and DMCA. Moderating this post will only waste mod points, and will not work!

Sign this petition, let your voice be heard! [petitiononline.com]

Slashdot is using censorship! It is trying to eridicate free and open discussion like we know slashdot to be, it has the following RESTRICTIONS in place to Censor you

They claim they don't, but they do, wonder why their are so many trolls, crapflooders and lamers on slashdot, because they are fighting for their rights! Slashdot is trying to silence the trolls. Remove the filters, the trolls get bored, and slashdot will be troll free!
  • Lameness filters (It blocks a lot of legitmate posts)
  • Unnessary posting delays. Hasnt taco learned to touch type? A lot of posts are typed in less than 20 seconds and it is a ANNOYING DELAY! 2 minute ban? Come on, so some are faster then others, big deal, some people have more to say than others
  • Broken moderation system, The whole point is to sort the gems from the crap, yet a lot of posts designed to make a LIVELY DISCUSSION are MODERATED as flamebait! Come on, not everyone likes X, but just because some one bashes it dosent mean its Flamebait. Flame bait is more useful for DIRECT INSULTS and not legitmate discussions.
The "troll" moderation reason is fragmented and broken, why? Because they are trying to use an obsolete usenet term on a realtime discussion, "trolls" can cover a huge blanket of ideas.
  • Crapfloods, a meaningless flood of random letters or text, which the lameness filter does a crappy job at trying to stop, besides trolls have written tools using the opensource slashcode to generate crapfloods which bypass the filter
  • Links to offensive websites, the most common one is known a http://www.goatse.cx, a awful site which shows a bleeding anus being stretched on the front page. Trolls sneak these links in by posting messages that look legitimate, but infact are sneaky redirects to the site. Common examples include rd.yahoo.com, www.linux-kernel.tk, goatsex.cjb.net, and googles "Im feeling lucky".
  • Trying to break slashdot, this is actually a good thing, as it helps test slashdot for bugs. Famous examples include the goatse.cx javascript pop-up, the pagewidening post and the browser crashing post!
Subnet banning, this bans a user unless they email jamie macarthy with their mp5ed ipids. This is unfair, and banning a subnet BLOCKS A WHOLE ISP SOMETIMES, and not that individual user! This can cause chaos! But real trolls use annoymous proxys to get around this so THIS JUST BANS LEGITMATE USERS! Also, they are trying to censor some anoymous proxies, mainly from countrys like africa, so this yet more DISCRIMINATION!

Pink page of Death, This censors people who use legitmate proxys or firewalls.

The Bitchslap! An unethical punishment which is applied to moderators who fight censorship against this site! In addition the Editors use their un-limited mod points to create a communist style censored discussion on slashdot!

But, the issue that concerens us the most, is the COMMENT QUOTA. A discrimatory system that stiffles discussion, cripples the community and will ultimateley destroy slashdot unless it is removed! Annoymous cowards are allowed only 10 posts a day! This is unethical! Users with negative karma only get two! That is DISCRIMINATION! How would you like to only be able to speak once a day, just because of the color of your skin. That would be racism, and slashdot is discrimitating on people just because of a negative number in a database! BOYCOTT SLASHDOT! LET THEM DIE!

We wan't these stupid useless restrictions REMOVED! This comment will be posted again and again until it does!

Inportant imformation for users
Boycott slashdot, they are pissing over their community, they are becoming like the RIAA and MICROSOFT! Do NOT TOLERATE THIS SHIT! Here are some real news for nerds sites. We don't need slashdot, slashdot deserves to die!

MSNBC [msnbc.com]
BBC NEWS [bbc.co.uk]
News.com [com.com]
Linux online [linux.org]
Linux daily news network [linuxdailynews.net]
Weird news from dailyrotten.com [dailyrotten.com]
Trollaxor, news for trolls, they are real people too! [trollaxor.com]
CNN.com [cnn.com]
New york times (free registration required) [nytimes.com]
LINUX.com [linux.com]
News forge [newsforge.net]
K5 [kuro5hin.org]
Mandrake forum [mandrakeforum.com]
Toms hardware [tomshardware.com]
The register [theregister.co.uk]
Kde dot news [kde.org]
The linux kernel Archives [kernel..org]
Adequecy [adequacy.org]
Xfree86.org [xfree86.org]

There are hundreds more, But this is where slashdot STEALS THE MAJORITY OF its "news" from.

Punish them, here are their emails, spam them, flame them goatse them!
Rob malda [mailto]
Jamie Macarthy [mailto]
ChrisD [mailto]
Hemos [mailto]
Micheal [mailto]
Pudge [mailto]

The others ones apperantly dont have an e-mail, probably because ROB MALDA IS PRETENDING HE IS JOHN KATZ.

Thank you for reading this, please feel free to repost this information, please reply to add your comments, fight slashdot and its CENSORSHIP

Don't forget to sign the petition!

Thank you Dr. Freud (1)

Mononoke (88668) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987087)

Annoymous cowards...
Well put.

Please lookup 'censorship' in the dictionary.

Thank you.

The funniest thing (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986674)

The funniest thing is that people think that they
are somehow benefitting a greater cause by posting
their pointless +1 to +5 comments. Slashdot relies
on the fact that narrow-minded idiots will happily
try to better each other by posting their stupid
opinions and technical commentaries.

Open your minds and become a troll.

Lets unite and bring slashdot to its knees.

Poop (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3986696)

I like to poop. It is ok for me to talk about my poop here? Thanks!

Re:Poop (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987215)

By all means. Please expound on size, consistency, odor and color.

Seanbaby.com (1)

JudgeFurious (455868) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986705)

THe Onion and SatireWire are good. I like them both a great deal but I think the funniest site out there has to be Seanbaby. The stories on "The Probe" are hilarious and his Super Friends page is some seriously funny shit.

Obviously where humor is concerned it's all subjective.

http://www.seanbaby.com for the 4 people out there who haven't actually seen the site.

Re:Seanbaby.com (2)

liquidsin (398151) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986753)

Wow, that's the second time you've plugged this site in this thread. Are you an employee?

Nope, just really like it (1)

JudgeFurious (455868) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986802)

Thought about it after the earlier reply and decided to do it again. The thing about it is that IMO the guy can actually write. It's crude and it's juvenile but it's funny material.

Like I said, obviously that's open to interpretation. I'm still trying to figure out what movie the people plugging the new Austin Powers movie on IMDB saw. The one I watched was pretty bad and only had a couple of scenes that worked.

Re:Seanbaby.com (2)

SirSlud (67381) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986848)

His writing is okay, but being a sarcastic glib critic who needn't deal with the devil in the details of his sweeping opinions, it's much easier to do his thing than to do the onion thing.

Re:Seanbaby.com (2, Interesting)

JudgeFurious (455868) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987028)

Like I said it's a matter of opinion.

I too often find myself in awe of the way the writers over at The Onion handle the many details involved in writing such stories as "80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch" and "Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated".

How do you deal with something like that? How do you ingest the information necessary to write something as complicated and far reaching as that? The ramifications of writing an article titled "Study Reveals: Babies are Stupid" are mind boggling to say the least. Clearly these kinds of stories should not be confused with the writings of a sarcastic glib critic. These stories clearly require the ability to "deal with the devil in the details".

Or something like that.

Re:Seanbaby.com (3, Insightful)

SirSlud (67381) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987180)

Slow down, boy.

Sean is not satire. He seems to write his opinions. He editorializes. In that respect, while his opinions and jokes can be funny, his targets tend to be somewhat obvious and easy to ridicule. Since he doesn't have to deal with the ramifications and implications of his opinions, he's pretty safe. Again, his writing can be very funny, but his opinions are the 'easy to make' flavour; mostly self-serving and generally glib. Y'know, spill a little blood, caveat emptor, that kind of take on the world. Make fun of those who've already lost. Whatever. I'm not arguing against his opinions - I'm only saying that its infinately easier to scrawl hilarious but ultimately substanceless diatribes than to parody something with a straight face and still get a point across. Sean can be funny, but he has a luxury of freedom with regard to the format of his site that The Onion and Satire Wire do not have.

The Onion is satire. Their goal is to parody truths in life by writing satirical articles in an understated and dead-pan fashion. Their research and authenticity as it relates to the subculture they are parodying in any given article is second to none, in my opinion. (I find SatireWire has great concepts, or head-lines, but the writing itself is a little too self-aware and not always up to snuff with the tone you generally find in a newspaper .. which somewhat jarrs your mind out of the 'alternate universe' parody stories presumably take place in.) While The Onion's concepts are generally not as outright funny as Satire Wire's, nor potentially as laugh-out-loud funny as Sean, the actual quality of the writing and the authenticity of the tone found in The Onion is what will forever sell its parody to me.

You disagree, but thats okay. No need to try and poke fun at me for dissecting these sites. I simply like to consider the 'difficulty level' of a comedic goal before I declare who's come closest to reaching it.

I might just be insensitive but... (2)

radmongoose (596591) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986823)

Marlatt makes a few forays into irreverent cultural and religious humor which may infuriate the culturally sensitive...

I think that the religous and cultural humor is some of the best satirewire content. I generally think of myself as fairly sensitive to other people's beliefs and cultures, but I don't see a problem with these stories. I don't think they're derogatory. Now if there was an article about how stupid Jews are or how all those black people are drug dealing gangbangers, I'd definately have a problem with them. I am Catholic and I thought the story about having to notify the public when a priest moves in funny. I think you have to take religion as with any other aspect of life with a grain of salt. If you can't laugh at yourself you need to lighten up.

I'm not saying that its ok to go attack people because of their beliefs. The line may be blurry to me but it is definately there, and I don't think these things have crossed it.

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh"

Insidious (1)

Quinn (4474) | more than 11 years ago | (#3986833)

I don't think this word means what you think it means.

The press release says it all! (1)

count_dooku (448992) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987021)

I love the story they wrote announcing the book [satirewire.com] :

At first we were like, 'A book? Gee, why don't we just go all the way and paint on some cave walls or something?'" recalled Marlatt of his earliest conversations with the publisher.

However, Broadway's response convinced the author that he should reconsider.

"They told me, 'Well then, you just go ahead and keep publishing on the Internet, for free, like an idiot,'" said Marlatt.

Overall, it's a very funny book. My only complaint is that, clearly, they didn't have enough content, so they raised the font size to make everything fit. This is the opposite of any of The Onion books, which had to reduce the size to (near) unreadable levels in order to fit their tabloid-sized newspaper into a book format.

--

One of the great SatireWire stories. (1)

PK_ERTW (538588) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987026)

Without any doubt, Satire is my favorite form of humour. As many of you here, I have been reading The Onion for years. I found SatireWire a while back, and have been enjoying it since. It isn't The Onion, but nothing is. It is quite funny in it's own right.

Probably my favorite story has to be CANADIAN WARSHIP SEIZES TANKER IN... WAIT... CANADA HAS A WARSHIP? [satirewire.com] Granted, I am Canadian, but read it for a good lauhg, and for an example of the quality that comes out of SatireWire.

Re:One of the great SatireWire stories. (2)

ceejayoz (567949) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987641)

The U.N. said the incident is already under investigation, and promised swift action against those found responsible for giving the Canadians guns. Initial findings indicate that the Vancouver crew may have been watching too many American television shows.

Yes, that's one of their best ones... I also liked the "Australia gets drunk" and "Hindus and Jews merge, form Hinjew religion" ones.

Another Canadian Site (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3989589)

It's no longer updated (last entry is Feb 2000) but www.go.to/gripewater had some good (amongst the average) laughs...

Canadian:
New Laws For Canada Day Trivia: Fines And Imprisonment Set For Cruel Media
Canada Hotbed Of Terrorist Activity: Parliament Reassures Canadians Most Terrorists Just Passing Through

Business:
Slobodan Milosevic New Walmart CEO: Despot to Leave Public Life and Pursue Business Opportunities
WTO Meets In Seattle: US Delegates Hope To Complete Pokemon Set

International:
Chinese Government Overthrown By Falun Gang: Typo Results In Government Forces Being Unprepared
Air Travel Still Pretty Safe: Complex, Reassuring Web Of Lies Offered

Does the book subsidise the website? (1)

Demerara (256642) | more than 11 years ago | (#3987075)

I'm not inclined to buy the book in any case - this is true of Dilbert, Userfriendly, The Onion or Satirewire.
If the website cannot survive on ad revenues, then that's too bad. I occasionally click through ad banners on sites which I vist frequently. That ought to be enough.
Oughten it?

Denounce came first (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987091)

Satirewire is just a ripoff of www.denounce.com.

Amazing.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#3987201)

...that so many Slashdotters like Somethingawful.com, especially with as hateful as SA is towards /., and rightly so.

SA's forums are infinitely better moderated than /., trolls are ignored or banned, and losers with more opinion than intelligence (i.e. 95% of the posting slashdotters) are mocked openly.

Just a pet peeve (1)

oooga (307220) | more than 11 years ago | (#3988821)

The Onion is NOT a website. It is a newspaper. I don't know about you, but to read the Onion I go to the library on Wednesdays and pick up a copy. The website is secondary. (The books are tertiary, although 'Century' is genius.)

Haha, those of you who don't live in Madison!

Re:Just a pet peeve (1)

essell (446524) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989133)

The Onion is syndicated all over the US. Pffft.

slightly OT: The Terrible Secret of Space (1)

reflector (62643) | more than 11 years ago | (#3989018)

Speaking of really funny sites, I just found one that I find hilarious, it's a flash animation:

www.jonathonrobinson.com/3.0/web/webtsos.html

I must have watched it like 20 times by now...

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