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What is Your Best Tech Joke?

Cliff posted more than 11 years ago | from the have-fun-with-this-one! dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 606

3770 asks: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. -- OK, I'm having a slow day at work. What is your favorite techie joke? I'm asking you! Make me laugh!"

Sorry! There are no comments related to the filter you selected.

In Soviet Russia... (-1, Offtopic)

Jonny 290 (260890) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285628)

Joke beats YOU to death!

fp (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285629)

someone post already

Real Programmers ... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285790)

Don't use BASIC. In fact, *NO* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.

Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.

Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Don't use PL/I. Pl/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.

Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Don't use LISP. Only effeminate progammers use more parentheses than actual code.

Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche.They like Twinkies, Old Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food, and Tacos.

Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.

Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.

Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify, and impossible to use.

Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and a coward.

Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.

Don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics, who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

Don't like the team programming concept. Unless of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".

Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. they prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.

Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.

How many programmers does it take to change. . . (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285800)

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None : That's a hardware problem.

Object Oriented Jedi (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285812)

Object Oriented Jedi [ehumorcentral.com]

On the topic of funny tech jokes... (5, Funny)

ewhenn (647989) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285632)

View this site. I am sure most will get a good laugh.

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ [nanc.com]

enjoy!

My version (5, Funny)

Kaeru the Frog (152611) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285639)

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand hexadecimal and those who don't.

For some reason people don't get it...

Re:My version (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285755)

that's because it's not stated properly. Try 0x00000002 instead. Beleive me, many will trip over the "zero-x" part

And yet another... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285765)

There is a kind of people in the world. Those who understand binary hidden in hexadecimal and those who don't.

And mine (4, Funny)

jeriqo (530691) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285771)

There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who know how to count and those who don't.

Re:My version (the benchley (sp?) paradox). (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285859)

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that believe you candivide the world into two kinds of people and those that don't.

Re:My version (5, Funny)

Isomer (48061) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285958)

there are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary.

Re:My version (2, Funny)

WolfWithoutAClause (162946) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285992)

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand base Pi, and those that think this joke makes sense.

binary (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285642)

i understand the numbers... but how the hell do you convert to letters to read binary?

I feel like rainman - so it's probably really obvious.

Posting anon so I don't get laughed off of /. for not knowing.

Re:binary (0, Offtopic)

slacker_dave (613875) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285735)

To convert letters to binary, use the ASCII character codes.

Here's a chart [danbbs.dk] .

Programmers & holidays (5, Funny)

Krelnik (69751) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285647)

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?



Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (1, Redundant)

sulli (195030) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285648)

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Yes, I know, oldie but goodie.

Re:Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285718)

Sure is... I remember way back in the day when Krelnik told that joke. I managed to scrounge up the link [slashdot.org] .

Re:Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285746)

man i feel sorry for you on that one. never before have i seen two posts (with consecutive CID numbers) be made within the same minute have the precise same content.

Re:Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (2, Funny)

noitalever (150546) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286010)

I agree, can we mod that amazing?

Re:Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285830)

Amazing that someone would waste their modpoints on moderating you down as redundant.

sortof a joke (5, Funny)

gyratedotorg (545872) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285657)

here's the one question geek test [fiction.net] . i guess if you get the joke, then you're a geek.

Re:sortof a joke (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285728)

There was no question. It is a joke, and not a test.

Re:sortof a joke (1)

satanami69 (209636) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285787)

I supposed than the FEATURE would also apply to the test. That is ofcouse if you get the joke at all.

Re:sortof a joke (1)

aWalrus (239802) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285834)

Somewhat stupid joke, though, isn't it?

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (5, Funny)

mgblst (80109) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285664)

To get to the same side.

Re:Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285918)

For technical reasons this joke is flawed, unless "crossing" means tunnelling to the other side of the plane. The plane is infinite in only one direction; in the other it has distinct sides. You're either on one LINEAR side or the other LINEAR side -- but either way you are part of a PLANE whose REVERSE side is in fact itself.

A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (5, Funny)

stefanlasiewski (63134) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285667)

A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer were driving a car up a curvy, hilly road.

The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.

By some miracle, the 3 people survived.

The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"

The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"

The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."

My Favorite (1, Funny)

Utopia (149375) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285673)

Slashdot News for Nerds. Stuff that matters.

What's the difference (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285680)

between a Slashdot Editor and a Catholic Priest?

The Priest tries to limit himself to raping one little boy per year; the editors have no such limit!

Not really much of a geek joke, but.... (3, Funny)

dacarr (562277) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285687)

This is a reprint from a post on rec.humor.funny from about 7 years ago:

Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!

This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon.

Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.

Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug down on the hippest coaster today!

For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now!

Not a joke, but funny... (5, Funny)

Eager Newbie (90366) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285690)

Disclaimer: I didn't write this, I have no idea who did.

WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers "Write in C."

Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics! Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.

Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C.

Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.

Guitar Solo

Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C.

Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

Not so much 'techie', as 'science' jokes: (5, Funny)

mabster (470642) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285691)

Two atoms are talking to each other, and one says,
"I think I've just lost an electron!"
"Are you certain?" the other replies.
"Yes! I'm positive!"

and a science/sporting one:

Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.

Good grief (3, Funny)

Chris Pimlott (16212) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285878)

We need a "+1: Terrible" mod

What's your best tech joke? (1, Funny)

breon.halling (235909) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285695)

Why, that's easy: Microsoft!

Re:What's your best tech joke? (1)

stefanlasiewski (63134) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285803)

No silly, that's just the punchline!

A bit of silliness in C (2, Funny)

dacarr (562277) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285698)

while horse==dead
{
beat(horse);
}

Re:A bit of silliness in C (5, Funny)

funkhauser (537592) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285721)

Ahem. That won't compile.

while ( horse == dead ) { beat(horse); }

Or, in Soviet Russia:

while ( dead == horse ) { horse.beat(YOU); }

Re:A bit of silliness in C (1)

linuxghoul (16059) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285857)

hilarious :D

i knew there was a point to this whole soviet russia madness...really neat...

i just moderated you up!!! ...oh, wait :P

my favorite... (1)

jeffy124 (453342) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285700)

those email chains that go around every now and then that include some sort of audio.

the intention is for the listener to be at work or similar environment where there are otehr people. the audio gets progressively less and less, forcing the listener to turn up the volume on their speakers. right at the end, in a very loud voice - "Porn! We're checkin' out porn over here!"

Just picture a PHB hearing THAT come from his cube farm!

An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist... (4, Funny)

funkhauser (537592) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285703)

An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist are taked with building a fence for a Texan's ranch that encloses the most amount of area using the least fence.

The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.

With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.

By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...

"I declare myself to be on the outside."

This is probably not the best one (5, Funny)

jsse (254124) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285704)

but at least it's the best one I got today.

I got a email from a stubborn and clueless tech consultant who insisted on adding '... and creation date < system date' in the SQL query.

I calmly explained to her that 'creation date < system date' always holds true, unless, of course, the user could go to future and create a case there.

She doesn't seem to get the joke, and today I got a email, cc to my and her bosses, saying that we must 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss those cases created 'in the future'....and she dare quote me on that!

Re:This is probably not the best one (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285983)

I have a humorous story too, though not strictly a joke.

My friend worked part time in college for a software company. The secretary the company had just hired was new to computers, and had a lot of questions and problems with Windows. She probably hadn't even used a computer or Windows before. My friend, being the part time college kid, was assigned to help her.

So she asked him lots and lots of questions, and lots more on top of that. About a week later, when she came to work, she proudly showed my friend the new book she bought to help her learn how to use a computer.

"Hey, look what I bought!" she proudly exclaimed. The book was Microsoft Access for Dummies.

Yo Momma! (0)

vandel405 (609163) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285708)

Yo momma's so slutty she gives it up in O(1) time!

Re:Yo Momma! (3, Funny)

funkhauser (537592) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285756)

That doesn't mean she's easy... just consistent.

You will pay (2, Funny)

Chacham (981) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285709)

Be alert, the world needs more lerts.

-

You will pay for your sins!

If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

-

Be aloof, there's been a sudden population explosion of lerts.

-

A chicken, a bear, and a programmer walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"

-

Mo Yo Momma (5, Funny)

vandel405 (609163) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285725)

Yo momma's so dirty she throws gmake clean into an infinite loop!

A real memo, you might have heard it before (2, Funny)

jsse (254124) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285729)

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. - Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation

Here's a monkey joke (1)

Archie222 (649852) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285733)

Why'd the monkey fall off the tree.... Cuz' it was DEAD... -Frisco

A classic (0)

Apreche (239272) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285738)

C:\> DOS
C:\> DOS RUN
RUN DOS RUN

it's old, but I still smile at it.

Re:A classic (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285915)

Ok, i don't get it.

I had used DOS for years, and i never understood wtf that meant.

So what does it mean? Why is it supposed to be funny?

Its not that i don't have a sense of humor... i have been pissing myself laughing at the funny stuff posted here, but this i just don't get.

Re:A classic (0)

qqtortqq (521284) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285985)

It sounds that that children's book, see spot run. Say it out loud.

SEE DOS
SEE DOS RUN
RUN DOS, RUN

And the corresponding simpsons reference (1)

infernow (529374) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286015)

Lisa: "Only one person in a million would find that funny!"
Prof. Frink: "Yes, we call that the Dennis Miller Ratio."

BOFH? (1)

andfarm (534655) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285739)

How about the Bastard Operator From Hell [ntk.net] ? It's not quite a joke, but funny nonetheless. Especially for sysadmins.

Re:BOFH? (1)

jeffy124 (453342) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285763)

I'll read his website when he chooses a better color scheme. Red on blue just dont cut it. Unless it's part of his being a BOFH.

Okay, I've got one... (2)

gklinger (571901) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285740)

The owner of an ISP walks into the office and says, "I won a million dollars in the lottery!"

His staff asks him what he is going to do with the money.

"I'm going to keep running this ISP until it's gone."

OBDisclaimer: I use to own/run an ISP. Pity me.

Microsoft Antitrust Trial Decision (4, Funny)

jsse (254124) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285742)

Re:Microsoft Antitrust Trial Decision (1)

tunah (530328) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285829)

Heh... I saw the link, and assumed it was to the judgement ;-)

not quite CS... (4, Funny)

Hubert_Shrump (256081) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285770)

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Statician are watching people going in and coming out of the building on the other side of the street. First they see two people going in - after awhile three people come out.

The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"

The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."

Re:not quite CS... (5, Funny)

aoteoroa (596031) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285926)

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

Favourite Oxymoron (1, Funny)

Phouk (118940) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285798)

Microsoft Works

A BBS goodie (5, Funny)

Eager Newbie (90366) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285801)

A sig line from back-in-the-day:

Stupid dog, quit chewing on the phone line*&&^_&$#6k
NO TERRIER

Holidays (0, Redundant)

CDS (143158) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285802)

Why did the computer engineer get Halloween and Christmas confused?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer... (5, Funny)

km790816 (78280) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285811)

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf. They get behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow. After some time they realize that these two men are blind.

"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will say a prayer for them."

"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor, "maybe I could get them some help."

The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"

psych expirement (5, Funny)

djdead (135363) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285820)

a group of psychologists are running an expirement. the place the subject in a room with a sink, a bucket and a garbage can with a fire in it.

They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.

Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.

Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.

Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."

Great engineering humor (4, Funny)

km790816 (78280) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285835)

Not really a joke, but funny as hell.

"The Knack" [iastate.edu]

Doctor: "It's worse than I feared."
Mother: "What is it?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid your son has ... the Knack."
Mother: "The knack?"
Doctor: "The Knack. It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical ... and utter social ineptitude."
Mother: "Can he lead a normal life?"
Doctor: "No. He'll be an engineer."
Mother: "Oh, no! [crying]"
Doctor: "There, there. Don't blame yourself."

You're computer's problems is (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285837)

with the chair to keyboard interface.

Here goes... (4, Funny)

Masa (74401) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285854)

My job would be the number one joke. But I also find this quite funny:

"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."

Not really "tech" but i dont care. (0, Redundant)

dimator (71399) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285860)

Two atoms are walking down the street. One bumps into a pole, and he says: "Ack, I think I lost an electron."

The other atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom replies, "Yes I'm positive."

Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (5, Funny)

Tumbleweed (3706) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285866)

"Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."

"Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved.
Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect."

Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.

My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi.

So what part of rpm, linuxconf, chkconfig and make xconfig do you not understand?

"Press any key if you wish to return to Windows or Control-Alt-Delete if you
wish to close it and reboot. After that action, scream at the top of your
lungs as your computer fails to respond to either of those actions."
- The Truthful Windows BSOD

Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.

"Be consistent."
- Larry Wall in the perl man page

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon loaded with reels of tape.

Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout.
- RFC 2324

"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy

The three triangles of the Berlin logo stands for the tripod upon
which Berlin rests: Courage, Honour, and Frozen Pizza.

X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.

Strangers have the best candy.
- t-shirt seen at DefCon 8.0

"Perl is Internet Yiddish."
- Yoz Graehme

"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,
because that's exactly how much difference there is."
- Larry Wall

"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.

A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.

Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.

Classic Joke... (5, Funny)

Elroy Jetson (590373) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285875)

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the horse races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

2 strings walk into a bar (4, Funny)

MobyDisk (75490) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285879)

2 strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated."

Rinkworks! (4, Funny)

juggleme (53716) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285884)

Their computer stupidities section [rinkworks.com] has some of the best stuff I've ever read. But then again, I work in tech support and am probably biased.

Oh, and any idle speculators care to guess how many "funny" meta-mods we'll be seeing for the next few weeks? I'm betting at least half...

simple: (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285904)

slashdot.

slashdot credibility.

slashdot integrity.

Indeterministically funny (5, Funny)

Tsar (536185) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285905)

A policeman pulls Werner Heisenberg over on the autobahn for speeding.

Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Windows... (0)

WolfWithoutAClause (162946) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285908)

95 ;-)

A few of my favorite things... (4, Funny)

Hollinger (16202) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285924)

Courtesy of Inflection Point [inflection-point.com] , who has one of the largest technical / computer / engineering joke archives on the internet (aside from google groups, anyway).

Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"

St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."

And my favorite one-liner:
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
-- Anon.

You can find more at the link above, and (SHAMELESS PLUG) at in the random quotes on the homepage of my site: www.hollinger.net .

Favorite tech catch-all: (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285931)

"If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed... wait a sec, HE DOES."

No joke (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285934)

Check your buffers.

Hackers (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285946)

Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.

The metric system is a tool of the devil! (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285961)

The metric system is a tool of the devil!! I get forty rods to the hogshead, and that's the way i likes it!!

Ok, I don't get it (5, Interesting)

OzPixel (559736) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285965)

In any normal /. article, there are always Frist Posts, trolls, and the usual array of off-topic regular /. jokes.

Now someone posts an open invitation to go berserk, and I haven't (in the first 60-odd replies) seen a single Natalie Portman, hot grits, AYB or beowulf cluster. At least someone managed to sneak in an "In Soviet Russia".

Weird, huh.

David.

Pascal (1)

FunkyRat (36011) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285966)

Although not necessarily a joke, I always found the anecdote about Niklaus Wirth's (creater of Pascal) response to a question about how to pronounce his name funny...

"You can either call me by name, pronouncing it 'Veert', or call me by value, 'Worth.'"

Another really old (and dated) Pascal joke that I still find humourous is...

  • Q: What do Ronald Reagan and Pascal have in common?
  • A: They both use semi-colons!

Math jokes (2, Funny)

ElJefe (41718) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285967)

(Disclaimer: I didn't write these)

Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape [wolfram.com] .

Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon. [wolfram.com]

(with links for the math-impaired)

A formal, conservative comment about Microsoft: (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#5285968)

A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to it's head. dieMSdie (steve@spam-is-bad.xtn.net)

I don't know the joke... (2, Funny)

breon.halling (235909) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285970)

I don't know the joke, but the punchline's gotta be:

"Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!" =)

That's Easy! (1)

KingRygel (398150) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285975)

Slashdot.

UNIX email virus (4, Funny)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285976)


This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:

If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.

Thank you for your cooperation.


by pjl @ patsoffice . com

ERROR: (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285984)


ERROR: Cannot find file REALITY.SYS - Universe halted, please reboot!

(NoSpam_Jonathan_Bayer @ bigfoot.com)

Those who are ignorant believe they are right. (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5285994)


It's sad to live in a world where knowing how to program your VCR actually lowers your social status...

(rhopkins- at- crosswinds- dot- net)

From intro CS.... (1)

rcs2 (261027) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286002)

The best way to define recursion is recursively.

In C++ (5, Funny)

GeekLiving (635374) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286005)

In C++ you can access your friend's private parts.

"FATAL ERROR" (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286013)


Back in the old mainframe days, when computers cost many millions of dollars and required a staff of 20 to keep them running, computer output would often say, "FATAL ERROR". Beginners would sometimes worry a little that the message meant fatal to them.

Blueberry Muffin (3, Funny)

Fwonkas (11539) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286016)

Okay, this is a weird one. But I like it, so it's in my .sig right now.

I have a friend who works at UMN. He and some co-workers were joking about how people expect computers to do everything for them. One of them grabbed a mouse and spoke into it: "COMPUTER! Whatever happened to Blueberry Muffin?"

I can't explain why I think this is so damn funny. In fact, I didn't think it was very funny at first. But the more I think about it, the funnier it gets.

Disclaimer: (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286025)


Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this post are either mine or those of my voice recognition software.

"418: I'm a teapot" (1)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286036)


Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error code "418: I'm a teapot".

[RFC 2324] by Eric Green (eric @ at badtux . org)

Billyg (1)

Holi (250190) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286039)

Why was Bill Gates buried 12 feet under?

Cuz deep down he's a really nice guy.

The Internet interprets advertising as damage... (2, Informative)

Futurepower(R) (558542) | more than 11 years ago | (#5286044)


The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it.

by Paul Crowley (slashdot-paul @AT cluefactory .DOT- org. uk)
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