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MacHack 18 Just Weeks Away

CmdrTaco posted more than 11 years ago | from the blatantly-abusing-my-authority dept.

Apple 26

We don't usually post announcements of this sort, but with MacHack just weeks away, and me speaking at it again this year, I figured I'd remind readers of Slashdot's Apple section about it. It's in Dearborn, MI near Detroit, and I gotta say that I've gone to many tech shows, but this is a good show. For those of you who saw my Keynote last year, my talk this year promises to be at least as incoherent, except that THIS year I might actually talk about the Mac! Other speakers are far more qualified. ;)

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MacHack (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085537)

sucks cock compared to WWDC

If you pick one, pick WWDC

MacHack is for fatboys and transexuals like taco

Re:MacHack (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6086235)

I hate you

faggot (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085544)

get a life taco, no one gives a shit what you think of yourself

EXTRA EXTRA TACO HAS NO GENITALS!!! (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085601)

Rob Malda is a 26-year old white male with a stocky build and a beard. His head is shaved. He responded to my ad to be interviewed for this article wearing only leather pants, leather boots and a leather vest. I could see that both of his nipples were pierced with large-gauge silver rings.

Questioner: I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to prove to me that you're a nullo. Just so that our readers will know that this isn't a fake.

Rob: Sure, no problem. (stands and unbuckles pants and drops them to his ankles, revealing a smooth, shaven crotch with only a thin scar to show where his genitals once were).

Q: Thank you. That's a remarkable sight.

(laughs and pulls pants back up). Most people think so.

Q: What made you decide to become a nullo?

(pauses). Well, it really wasn't entirely my decision.

Q: Excuse me?

The idea wasn't mine. It was my lover's idea.

Q: Please explain what you mean.

Okay, it's a long story. You have to understand my relationship with Michael before you'll know what happened.

Q: We have plenty of time. Please go on.

Both of us were into the leather lifestyle when we met through a personal ad. Michael's ad was very specific: he was looking for someone to completely dominate and modify to his pleasure. In other word, a slave.

The ad intrigued me. I had been in a number of B&D scenes and also some S&M, but I found them unsatisfying because they were all temporary. After the fun was over, everybody went on with life as usual.

I was looking for a complete life change. I wanted to meet someone who would be part of my life forever. Someone who would control me and change me at his whim.

Q: In other words, you're a true masochist.

Oh yes, no doubt about that. I've always been totally passive in my sexual relationships.

Anyway, we met and there was instant chemistry. Michael is a few years older than me and very good looking. Our personalities meshed totally. He's very dominant.

I went back to his place after drinks and had the best sex of my life. That's when I knew I was going to be with Michael for a long, long time.

Q: What sort of things did you two do?

It was very heavy right away. He restrained me and whipped me for quite awhile. He put clamps on my nipples and a ball gag in my mouth. And he hung a ball bag on my sack with some very heavy weights. That bag really bounced around when Michael fucked me from behind.

Q: Ouch.

(laughs) Yeah, no kidding. At first I didn't think I could take the pain, but Michael worked me through it and after awhile I was flying. I was sorry when it was over.

Michael enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he talked about what kind of a commitment I'd have to make if I wanted to stay with him.

Q: What did he say exactly?

Well, besides agreeing to be his slave in every way, I'd have to be ready to be modified. To have my body modified.

Q: Did he explain what he meant by that?

Not specifically, but I got the general idea. I guessed that something like castration might be part of it.

Q: How did that make you feel?

(laughs) I think it would make any guy a little hesitant.

Q: But it didn't stop you from agreeing to Michael's terms?

No it didn't. I was totally hooked on this man. I knew that I was willing to pay any price to be with him.

Anyway, a few days later I moved in with Michael. He gave me the rules right away: I'd have to be naked at all times while we were indoors, except for a leather dog collar that I could never take off. I had to keep my head shaved. And I had to wear a butt plug except when I needed to take a shit or when we were having sex.

I had to sleep on the floor next to his bed. I ate all my food on the floor, too.

The next day he took me to a piercing parlor where he had my nipples done, and a Prince Albert put into the head of my cock.

Q: Heavy stuff.

Yeah, and it got heavier. He used me as a toilet, pissing in my mouth. I had to lick his asshole clean after he took a shit, too. It was all part of a process to break down any sense of individuality I had. After awhile, I wouldn't hesitate to do anything he asked.

Q: Did the sex get rougher?

Oh God, yeah. He started fisting me every time we had sex. But he really started concentrating on my cock and balls, working them over for hours at a time.

He put pins into the head of my cock and into my sack. He attached clothespins up and down my cock and around my sack. The pain was pretty bad. He had to gag me to keep me from screaming.

Q: When did the idea of nullification come up?

Well, it wasn't nullification at first. He started talking about how I needed to make a greater commitment to him, to do something to show that I was dedicated to him for life.

When I asked him what he meant, he said that he wanted to take my balls.

Q: How did you respond?

Not very well at first. I told him that I liked being a man and didn't want to become a eunuch. But he kept at me, and wore me down. He reminded me that I agreed to be modified according to his wishes, and this is what he wanted for me. Anything less would show that I wasn't really committed to the relationship. And besides, I was a total bottom and didn't really need my balls.

It took about a week before I agreed to be castrated. But I wasn't happy about it, believe me.

Q: How did he castrate you?

Michael had a friend who was into the eunuch scene. One night he came over with his bag of toys, and Michael told me that this was it. I was gonna lose my nuts then and there.

Q: Did you think of resisting?

I did for a minute, but deep down I knew there was no way. I just didn't want to lose Michael. I'd rather lose my balls.

Michael's friend restrained me on the living room floor while Michael videotaped us. He used an elastrator to put a band around my sack.

Q: That must have really hurt.

Hell yeah. It's liked getting kicked in the balls over and over again. I screamed for him to cut the band off, but he just kept on going, putting more bands on me. I had four bands around my sack when he finished.

I was rolling around on the floor screaming, while Michael just videotaped me. Eventually, my sack got numb and the pain subsided. I looked between my legs and could see my sack was a dark purple. I knew my balls were dying inside.

Michael and his friend left the room and turned out the light. I lay there for hours, crying because I was turning into a eunuch and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Q: What happened then?

Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion. Then the light switched on and I could see Michael's friend kneeling between my legs, touching my sack. I heard him tell Michael that my balls were dead.

Q: How did Michael react?

Very pleased. He bent down and felt around my sack. He said that it felt cold.

Michael's friend told me that I needed to keep the bands on. He said that eventually my balls and sack would dry up and fall off. I just nodded. What else could I do at that point?

Q: Did it happen just like Michael's friend said?

Yeah, a week or so later my package just fell off. Michael put it in a jar of alcohol to preserve it. It's on the table next to his bed.

Q: How did things go after that?

Michael was really loving to me. He kept saying how proud he was of me, how grateful that I had made the commitment to him. He even let me sleep in his bed.

Q: What about the sex?

We waited awhile after my castration, and then took it easy until I was completely healed. At first I was able to get hard, but as the weeks went by my erections began to disappear.

That pleased Michael. He liked fucking me and feeling my limp cock. It made his dominance over me even greater.

Q: When did he start talking about making you a nullo?

A couple of months after he took my nuts. Our sex had gotten to be just as rough as before the castration. He really got off on torturing my cock. Then he started saying stuff like, "Why do you even need this anymore?"

That freaked me out. I always thought that he might someday take my balls, but I never imagined that he'd go all the way. I told him that I wanted to keep my dick.

Q: How did he react to that?

At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Michael said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.

But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.

Q: So how did he get you to agree?

He didn't. He took it against my will.

Q: How did that happen?

We were having sex in the basement, and I was tied up and bent over this wooden bench as he fucked me. Then I heard the doorbell ring. Michael answered it, and he brought this guy into the room.

At first I couldn't see anything because of the way I was tied. But then I felt these hands lift me up and put me on my back. And I could see it was Michael's friend, the guy who took my nuts.

Q: How did you react?

I started screaming and crying, but the guy just gagged me. The two of them dragged me to the other side of the room where they tied me spread eagled on the floor.

Michael's friend snaked a catheter up my dick, and gave me a shot to numb my crotch. I was grateful for that, at least. I remember how bad it hurt to lose my balls.

Q: What was Michael doing at this time?

He was kneeling next to me talking quietly. He said I'd be happy that they were doing this. That it would make our relationship better. That kind of calmed me down. I thought, "Well, maybe it won't be so bad."

Q: How long did the penectomy take?

It took awhile. Some of the penis is inside the body, so he had to dig inside to get all of it. There was a lot of stitching up and stuff. He put my cock in the same jar with my balls. You can even see the Prince Albert sticking out of the head.

Then they made me a new pisshole. It's between my asshole and where my sack used to be. So now I have to squat to piss.

Q: What has life been like since you were nullified?

After I got over the surgery and my anger, things got better. When I healed up, I began to like my smooth look. Michael brought friends over and they all admired it, saying how pretty I looked. It made me feel good that Michael was proud of me.

Q: Do you have any sexual feeling anymore?

Yes, my prostate still responds when Michael fucks me or uses the buttplug. And my nipples are quite sensitive. If Michael plays with them while fucking me, I have a kind of orgasm. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely an orgasm.

Sometimes Michael says he's gonna have my prostate and nipples removed, but he's just kidding around. He's happy with what he's done to me.

Q: So are you glad Michael had you nullified?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm glad. If I could, I'd like to have my cock and balls back. But I know that I'm a nullo forever. So I'm making the best of it.

Michael and I are very happy. I know that he'll take care of me and we'll be together always. I guess losing my manhood was worth it to make that happen for us.

D/L? (3, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085614)

In case you are going to actually make a presentation (Powerpoint/Keynote/Impress), is it going to be available for download? I do not think I will want to fly all the way from west-coast to...Dear... born... a.c.

Sounds like it might be quite educational... (2, Funny)

Myself (57572) | more than 11 years ago | (#6085628)

Unlike certain other conferences [rubi-con.org] held in Dearborn.

Re:Sounds like it might be quite educational... (3, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6087228)

I'm not so sure of that. Cons like this seem to be getting far more press than ones which, while they might not be bigger, certainly have a longer history and delve far deeper technically. Where I'm from, we have several hack fests that have recently ticked over into a decade of existence, and aren't stuck on the one platform. Basically if it's UNIX based you're in and can hack away. A weekend of true technical geekery is a fascinating thing to behold!

Re:Sounds like it might be quite educational... (-1, Troll)

saintlupus (227599) | more than 11 years ago | (#6089393)

Cons like this seem to be getting far more press than ones which, while they might not be bigger, certainly have a longer history and delve far deeper technically.

Amen. If anyone cares, WWDC is in a scant three weeks. And they actually have decent presentations by real engineers, rather than incoherent rambling by goateed dot-com assholes. Prerelease copy of Panther, here I come!

--saint

MacHack? (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085686)

Oh you mean Latte Parte...

Re:MacHack? (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6087721)

Yeah... It must be really scary maintaining an irrational hatred for the Mac platform in this day and age...

On one hand you've got the minority 'artsy' set who you like to stereotype at any given opportunity... Then on the other you've got a steadily growing group of people with far geekier credentials than you could ever hope to attain diving in to OS X with both feet...

I'd suggest finding a new hobby...

Re:MacHack? (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6087959)

'Artsy' my Ass! You demonstrate the PRETENTIOUSNESS which give mac users the bad name they have now... You try to character assainatte someone making a JOKE! a little over sensitive? or pehaps 'Congintave Dissonance"... mmmmmm...

Re:MacHack? (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6088040)

Yep... That post had "+5, Funny" written all over it...

should be a great time (4, Interesting)

tarzan353 (246515) | more than 11 years ago | (#6085832)

Last year's was a landmark because it was so heavily OS X focused. However, I think this year's may be even more remarkable, since there has been such a huge influx of *nix users buying Macs lately.

I look forward to the diversity that the collaboration of two distinct groups of hackers has to offer.

Dear Apple, I am a FAG (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085978)

Dear Apple,

I am a homosexual. I bought an Apple computer because of its well earned reputation for being "the" gay computer. Since I have become an Apple owner, I have been exposed to a whole new world of gay friends. It is really a pleasure to meet and compute with other homos such as myself. I plan on using my new Apple computer as a way to entice and recruit young schoolboys into the homosexual lifestyle; it would be so helpful if you could produce more software which would appeal to young boys. Thanks in advance.

with much gayness,

Father Randy "Pudge" O'Day, S.J.

Dear Randy O'Day (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6085998)

Dear Father O'Day:

Thanks for your letter. Being Catholic myself, I know exactly what you're talking about! It has always been our plan here at Apple Computer Inc to revolutionize personal computing with our high-quality and highly gay products.

I'm happy to answer your letter by letting you know that YES we will be releasing an entire hLife ("homo-life") software line. You'll be able to recognize it in stores by the small stylized logo depicting a large cock entering a tight anus with an Apple logo on it. ("Suddenly it all comes together" indeed!).

Anyway, I hope you and other members of our community will join us on our mission, and purchase the exciting new hLife boxed set. Only the boxed set comes with translucent cock rings!

Sincerely,

Harry Rodman
Vice-president
Homosexual Liaison Services
Apple Computer, Inc.

20 bucks (1, Offtopic)

ike6116 (602143) | more than 11 years ago | (#6087208)

goes to the first person to give me a version of screen that works with OS X like it does with Linux (ctrl + alt + F* gives you a new virt term).

Re:20 bucks (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6087216)

Then use a different terminal app.

Re:20 bucks (1)

JDWTopGuy (209256) | more than 11 years ago | (#6087305)

Yeah, that would be cool, but OS X's text console seems a bit slow.

Re:20 bucks (2, Funny)

bursch-X (458146) | more than 11 years ago | (#6088687)

They should accelerate it with Quartz Extreme ;-P

Re:20 bucks (2, Interesting)

JDWTopGuy (209256) | more than 11 years ago | (#6092469)

That should be "insightful", not "funny". My comments are supposed to be "funny". :-P

Anyway, I agree. The Terminal app is slow too. Ironically, I now use rxvt when I need a terminal, because Apple's X implementation is so nice and fast.

Maybe my posts are moderated funny in Soviet Russia?

Re:20 bucks (1, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6088506)

I dunno, is screen what you are looking for? http://fink.sourceforge.net/pdb/package.php/screen http://macosx.forked.net/showcat.php?cat=Miscellan eous&sortmethod=reverse

heed the reviews (4, Funny)

Slur (61510) | more than 11 years ago | (#6088628)

Good to hear you'll be back, Rob. Developers need to understand more about the nuances of The Sims.

Anybody got a link? (2, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6088755)

Anybody got a link to a transcript of speech mr. taco gave last year. I remember there was a story about it but by the time I click on the link it was no longer functional.

Thanks

Dear Crapple: (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6090294)

Dear Apple:

I bought an Apple computer because of its native support for teledildonics. I bought a USB FUFME [onzin.nl] and MacOS immediately recognized it and installed drivers instantly! As a gay Catholic priest who often can't be at the altar all the time, you can understand how the ability to have sex with children whilst on the airplane with my Powerbook and wireless internet service is a lifesaver.

I just have a single question, will Apple be releasing a firewire version of the FUFME anytime soon?

With much gayness,

Father "Michael" Harris

Dear Father Harris (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6090304)

Dear Father Harris:

Thank you for your kind letter! Being a former Catholic priest myself, I know exactly what you are talking about! It has been our dream at Apple

Computers ever since we began in the 80's to shape the homosexual experience with the ultimate computer.

I can answer your letter by saying that YES we will indeed be making a firewire version of the FUFME. With the additional bandwidth offered by the firewire bus, we will be able to more accurately record and deliver more minute and subtle movements that the USB FUFME simply couldnt support due to lack of bandwidth. You will be able to recognize our firewire FUFME in stores by the fancy holographic logo of a cock entering an Apple.

We are glad to help loyal customers such as yourself. If you ever have any more questions, feel free to drop a line (or connect to my teledildonic

FUFME server on fufme://cockman.apple.com).

Hugh G. Cockman
President
Homosexual Liaison Services
Apple Computer, Inc.

Quicktime footage? (1)

irving47 (73147) | more than 11 years ago | (#6093171)

Someone needs to stream it. I hear Taco did a great little dance. Something about his girlfriend trying to get an Airport signal.
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