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419 comments

Evangelism is war (5, Funny)

CptChipJew (301983) | about 11 years ago | (#6226670)

What if tonight, the evangelism war could be over? Isn't that work coding for? Isn't...that...worth...debugging for?

scary quote in context (3, Interesting)

Tumbleweed (3706) | about 11 years ago | (#6226681)

Consider, then, the 'Technical Architect,' and his grand scheme. Yikes. Probably closer to the mark than one would like.

Re:Evangelism is war (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226684)

[image of bill gates assimilating linus torvalds]

Bill: Windows

Linus: Windows, Yes...

[smiles]

Re:Evangelism is war (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226827)

When I look at three operating systems, MacOS, Windows, and Linux, I don't see coincidence...I see competition.

Er...nevermind that antitrust stuff, sorry guys.

get over bill! (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226905)

Will you pimply-faced linux morons stop pissing your pants about how avaricious billgates is long enough to write a goddamned driver for my motherfucking soundcard?!!!

Follow the Linus' lead -- bill can't beat him because he's not playing bill's game!

Re:get over bill! (1, Flamebait)

jedidiah (1196) | about 11 years ago | (#6226941)

Why not just get a supported replacement?

It would cost no more than a large pizza.

It would cost much less than your next series of Microsoft upgrades.

Re:Evangelism is war (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226921)

So, where does suicide bombing fit into Microsoft's plan?

at the copa! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226672)

copacabana

Evangelion (-1, Offtopic)

(TK)Dessimat0r (668222) | about 11 years ago | (#6226673)

Zankoku na tenshi no you ni
Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare...

Aoi kaze ga ima mune no doa wo tataitemo,
Watashi dake wo tada mitsumete
Hohoenderu Anata
Sotto Fureru mono
Motomeru koto ni muchuu de,
Unmei sae mada shiranai itaikena hitom

Dakedo itsuka kizuku deshou
Sono senaka ni wa
Haruka mirai mezasu tame no
Hane ga aru koto...

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
Hotobashiru atsui patosu de
Omoide wo uragiru nara
O-zora wo daite kagayaku
Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

Zutto nemutteru watashi no ai no yurikago
Anata dake ga yume no shisha ni
Yobareru asa ga kuru
Hosoi kubisuji wo tsukiakari ga utsushiteru
Sekai-ju- no toki wo tomete
Tojikometai kedo...

Moshi mo futari aeta koto ni imi ga aru nara,
Watashi wa, sou, jiyu- wo shiru
tame no Baiburu

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
Kanashimi ga soshite hajimaru
Dakishimeta inochi no katachi
Sono yume ni mezameta toki
Dare yori mo hikari wo hanatsu
Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

Hito wa ai wo tsumugi nagara rekishi wo tsukuru
Megami nante narenai mama
Watashi wa ikiru...

Zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
Madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
Hotobashiru atsui patosu de
Omoide wo uragiru nara
O-zora wo daite kagayaku
Shonen yo, shinwa ni nare

Clueless moderators (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226786)

this is moderated off topic because the moderators are clueless... it's funny, trust me

Not clueless moderators (1)

jared_hanson (514797) | about 11 years ago | (#6226833)

It is moderated off topic because the vast, vast majority of readers will have no clue what this means, and this includes myself. This is Slashdot, an English language site. I don't care how funny a post is, if I can't understand it, or have any other reason not to want to see it, I want it moderated so it doesn't show up. When I'm feeling couragous, then I'll adjust the threshold.

Way to go mods!

P.S.: If the post is in fact funny, someone could get some quick karma by translating it for us non-enlightened linguists.

Re:Evangelion (1)

DarkBlackFox (643814) | about 11 years ago | (#6226802)

The difference here is the Evangelions in question are NOT good things fighting to save humanity, but crush it in global metacorporationalism.

Re:Evangelion (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226805)

Mods need to find out what they're modding down. That was good stuff!

Re:Evangelion (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226841)

everyone is saying that this is really funny, can someone please explain it to me? thanx

--clueless guy

Re:Evangelion (1)

DarkBlackFox (643814) | about 11 years ago | (#6226876)

It's the opening song to the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion.

I wouldn't consider this too offtopic, since a number of the philosophical threads addressed in NGE can be applied to Microsoft's monopolistic business practices.

Do a Google for Neon Genesis Evangelion for a synopsis.

Re:Evangelion (1)

sTalking_Goat (670565) | about 11 years ago | (#6226890)

??? Its the theme song for Neo Genesis Evangelion. I don't get it. My Nippon-go is a little rusty though so maybe I'm missing something.

mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (2, Insightful)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226675)

use whatever suits u the best. ;)

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (2, Funny)

deadsaijinx* (637410) | about 11 years ago | (#6226701)

Dear SkewlD00d,

It seems as though you have missed basic /. brainwashing. Report to CowboyNeal for immidiate reprogramming. Soon you will see the light. Linux is the future, Apple is cool, Microsoft is evil and is never a better option.

The /. Patrol

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (1)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226763)

LOL.... everyone should be saying "mooo" or "baaah" whenever something linux or apple comes along as a subsitute for "linux r0xors" or "apple is the best." (Is it me, or is apple like the BMW of OSes?) What ever happened to *BSD and HURD? What about a distributed microkernel that allows you to send processes from one machine to another? Maybe an obscure goatse [goatse.cx] reference will hit the reset button on some people, or at least scar them for life.

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (1)

AndrewRUK (543993) | about 11 years ago | (#6226865)

Isn't it obvious? There's the whole hurd of gnu's [choiceswild.com] wanding around slashdot grunting, croaking, and going "ganoo."

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226769)

Linux just sucks slightly less. Apple is "cool" if you;re idea of cool is triumph-of-form-over-function.

Micrsoft are "evil" if you believe in intrinsic evil or "completely and utterly amoral" if you don't. Take your pick.

Linux Zealot goes to the Mac store (0, Flamebait)

rkz (667993) | about 11 years ago | (#6226804)

Even Linux Zealot switched to using macs,
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/allencastro/switch.sw f [ntlworld.com]


Re:Linux Zealot goes to the Mac store (2, Funny)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226882)

Is it me.. or are people generally lazy? I should develop the LazyAssOS that does everything for you... you just watch as it does your work for you, like a matrix screen-saver. I *know* the Automated Homework Generator is on the cusp of reality.

Re:Linux Zealot goes to the Mac store (5, Funny)

jalet (36114) | about 11 years ago | (#6226924)

> Even Linux Zealot switched to using macs

There's a typo, it should be :

"Even Linux Zealot switched to using Emacs"

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (1)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226925)

The OS Sucks-o-Metter [zgp.org] sez that windows really sucks, and linux sucks almost as much, but not as much proportionally. Then again, how slanted are metrics they are using? LOL!! Amiga doesnt suck at all? And MacOs: sucks = blows.

Fight Club (4, Funny)

MyHair (589485) | about 11 years ago | (#6226766)

What OS defines me as a person?

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (1)

rebeka thomas (673264) | about 11 years ago | (#6226783)

Unfortunately what one things suits one best isn't often the best tool for the job. I doubt you could find a true system where MS Windows or Mac OS truly outshine Linux when set up by someone who knows what they're doing.

And that's the essence of the evangelism problem.

Take two similar tools such as photoshop and gimp. Is there any way of doing a true comparison on pure quantitative grounds? of course there is. When done this way a clear and obvious superior product shows through. Evangelism is when people use emotions, feelings and wants to defend a product or a platform in irrational ways. People tend to judge a product on how it fits THEM instead of thinking how they should fit it.

Remember a particular piece of software will simply do what it is meant to do. Thinking about it that a system has to adapt to a user is an antiproductive strategy, when the user should be adapting to what the tool can do

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (1)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226824)

it's official... people are dumb and willing to prove it. That's the essence of evangelism. That, or they're obsessed.

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (2, Insightful)

deadsaijinx* (637410) | about 11 years ago | (#6226825)

yes, windows outshines Linux in that it supports more commercial hardware and that most companies only make drivers for windows. It also has a greater variance of programs for users to choose from and a huge user base, as well as near universal acceptance. I'm not pro-MS by any stretch of the imaginiation, but I also know that there are situations in which Windows truly shines.

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (2, Interesting)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226855)

The main prob i have w/ windoze is that M$FT holds all the cards, and the "std" is not a standard at all, and they change APIs all the time. *cough* .doc word "format" *cough* DDE/DDX, OLE, OLE2, ActiveX, ATL, COM, COM+, DCOM, etc etc etc (i think i missed some).

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (2, Insightful)

rebeka thomas (673264) | about 11 years ago | (#6226878)

Like i said, when Linux is set up by someone who knows what they're doing it will outshine. What you've said is indicative of wanting the product to suit you, when you should be adapting to your tool. Learn to code, it's really quite simple. Write the drivers you need, and don't expect others to do it for you or expect a piece of software or hardware to just miraculously adapt to your needs. Using a computer isn't like just turning on a television. Really sometimes I wonder, and think people should be licensed to own a computer before complaining

Re:mac vs linux vs windows vs etc. (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226898)

"Really sometimes I wonder, and think people should be licensed to own a computer before complaining"

Pardon me, darlin', but that's one of the stupidest things said here in a while...

oh great (0, Offtopic)

snartal (537674) | about 11 years ago | (#6226678)

We're going to have an evangalism on terror

Microsoft! (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226679)

Wow where to begin?

Well, for a start, they're not SCO...

Technological evangelism at SCO... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226784)

Who are we?

"SCO!!!!!"

What are we?

"Lawyers!!!!"

What are we gonna do?

"Sue people's asses off!!!"

When are we gonna do it?

"Now!!!!"

Are we gonna win?

"No!!!!!"

(shit, do you think they'll still pay us?)

A quick book summary.. (-1, Flamebait)

cyberchondriac (456626) | about 11 years ago | (#6226683)

FUD ? :-)

As much as I hate to say it... (4, Funny)

DwarfGoanna (447841) | about 11 years ago | (#6226685)

I don't think Flash is going anywhere.


Hate...MS....hate...Flash....must tolerate Flash.....must....*smoke drifts from ears*

Re:As much as I hate to say it... (1, Insightful)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226710)

flash was developed by the same people that did demos back in da day.. it was pretty cool until full-screen flash ads came along that steal control of your computer. macromedia needs to work on security of flash, or there needs to be an OSS flash client w/ real security.

Mozilla Firebird Plug (3, Informative)

MyHair (589485) | about 11 years ago | (#6226796)

Mozilla Firebird (Phoenix) has a "Flash click to play" extension. I used to not install the Flash plugin in a Mozilla browser and just switch to IE when I actually wanted flash, but now I get a blank box that says "flash click to play...". Sweet.

Does CrazyBrowser or Opera do something similar?

Re:Mozilla Firebird Plug (1)

Uart (29577) | about 11 years ago | (#6226908)

So you would have to use Internet Explorer to watch Strongbad Email?

That would never do.

Re:As much as I hate to say it... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226815)

who cares where it's going. it's brought us HOMESTARRUNNER.COM!

Re:As much as I hate to say it... (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226837)

What would be nice feature to add to Mozilla is being able to block flash from servers, just like with images.

Hate Flash too - Re:As much as I hate to say it... (1)

leoaugust (665240) | about 11 years ago | (#6226907)

But you will be surprised by how many sites have Flash on their homepage, and then give no way to bypass that *cursed* page. I don't have flash, use Opera w/o Java, and many times I see NOTHING on the homepage. No links to get into the site for some info - try http:///www.wilddivine.com (only if you have no flash and use Opera !!) There aren't ANY links on the page, and many times even Google cannot give you a direct link. What terrible site designs ....

What gets me is the Flashy flash just for the sake of flashing Flash ...

The coolest thing on that site (-1, Offtopic)

EggMan2000 (308859) | about 11 years ago | (#6226687)

Is the Windows Media file of the seattle earthquake. [plamondon.net]

Re:The coolest thing on that site (1)

Chicane-UK (455253) | about 11 years ago | (#6226709)

Wow.. now that is pretty scary.

UK never gets particularly powerful quakes, and any even noticable ones I have always slept through because they always seem to occur at night.

Don't think i'd be liking that kinda quake though!! :|

Re:The coolest thing on that site (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226728)

Oh man, is that a 25th anniversary Mac in the background?

Hell, people are always telling me I go for the details not the obvious, aanyways... earthquake you say?

Re:The coolest thing on that site (1)

EggMan2000 (308859) | about 11 years ago | (#6226745)

I think there is also a BSOD back there too.

Re:The coolest thing on that site (4, Funny)

chrisleonard (523594) | about 11 years ago | (#6226762)

> The coolest thing on that site ... is the Windows Media file of the seattle earthquake.

But did you notice how none of the computers rebooted? That ought to silence people who say Windows isn't fault-tolerant!

Rimshot!
:op

Re:The coolest thing on that site (1)

cryms0n (52620) | about 11 years ago | (#6226920)

This is what happens when Ballmer gets down with his bad self!

Your mom mailed me this .. She liked the variety (-1)

sithkhan (536425) | about 11 years ago | (#6226690)

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

Boston Steamer
The act of ending a relationship by depositing a steaming pile of feces on the back of a sleeping lover after a night of passion followed by a hasty departure.

Brazilian Flapjack
The act of Blowing one's love sauce on their partners sternum and letting her bake in the sun. The partner will then return later and peel off the cumjack and feed it to the craving slut.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

Cajun Hot Stick
The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her back and then re-inserted.

Christmas Turkey Carver
The act of sitting carefully behind your prone partner, inserting three fingers in her vagina, one in her ass, and voraciously pumping your digits in and out, maintaining a perfect L-bend at the elbow, and using only your rotator cuff as a power pivot

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Chocolate Pizza Milkshake
(added 2/10/02) Felching somebody with hemorrhoids.

Cocoa and Tea
(added 2/10/02 â" thanks Keith ) After doing the "Dog in a Bathtub" â" you plop your buttstained basted balls into your hoâ(TM)s mouth.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries. This leaves you with a "Chili Dog"

Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra.

Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)

The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a drill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happily eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!"

Couch Bombing
When you fill a small Ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy It dinner first

Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore.

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.

Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.

Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

Dirty Swirly
While boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.

Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

Double Wishbone
The play in which, while in seated 69 position, the man inserts both index fingers into the vagina and both middle fingers into the anus followed by aggressively pulling outwards with both arms. Spitting in anus, while optional, is encouraged for future maneuvers.

Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.

The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after performed.

Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail. *note: never seen it done with a straw...

The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that.

Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move.

The Flying Dutchman.
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side effects.

The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

Fur Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

Glazed Donut
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spoo-ing all over her pastry buns, thus transforming her rump into the illusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.

Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad

Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.

Hershey Highway
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.

High Dive
The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.

Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.

Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.

Hot Lunch, Vegeterian
A variation upon the aforementioned meal in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with animal product occurs.

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)

Manure Transfer
The act when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down (see SAMOAN PILE DRIVER), back-to-back with the right-side-up standing man. Through careful anal-orifice matching techniques, the man craps directly into the woman's upside-down pooper.

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.

Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.

The Moose
The sign given to a kickee when in doggie style. It is performed by placing both hands over your head with palms facing out and waving your fingers wildly.

The Moped
A chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.

The Mork
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)

Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.

Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bitch again.

The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.

New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.

New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.

The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

Oven Stuffer Roaster
The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).

Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.

Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)

Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.

Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)

Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

The Pig Roast
While you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.

Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.

Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.

The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?

Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released.

The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!

Resuscitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

Rim
n. the outer, often curved or circular edge of something.
2. the outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot.
3. v. (ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your tongue.

The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

The Roscoe
The act of using one's genitals as a bludgeoning device to upside the ho's head with your beefy billy club.

The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

Samoan Pile Driver
A sexual position that occurs when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down. The practitioner of the Pile Driver stands above the woman and points his shit due south, simply bending his knees for repeated bludgeoning. This process is repeated while screaming, "Abdaay... goony, goony, goony... ABDAY. ABDAY. ABDAY. HA!" Repeat and rinse.

Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.

Scabby
The unfortunate occurrence for a male due to a practice of dry fucking in blue jeans sans undergarments. One of the most feared of all sexual accidents.

The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

The Seatbelt
While one fag straddles his partners cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom.

Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.

The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)

Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.

Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.

Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.

Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.

Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!"

Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.

Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep & then jerking off, giving you the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.

Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.

Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.

Tea and Cocoa (added 2/10/02) See "Cocoa and Tea"

Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

Topeka Destroyer
The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while receiving fellatio.

The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.)

Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.

Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs.

Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

The Walrus
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.

Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.

The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead.

The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

Re:Your mom mailed me this .. She liked the variet (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226722)

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed. Gone fishing!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it, always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large pussy lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

Boston Steamer
The act of ending a relationship by depositing a steaming pile of feces on the back of a sleeping lover after a night of passion followed by a hasty departure.

Brazilian Flapjack
The act of Blowing one's love sauce on their partners sternum and letting her bake in the sun. The partner will then return later and peel off the cumjack and feed it to the craving slut.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head, and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead of filling up her keister with your demonseed, you pull out and proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the funbags.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is nasty.

Cajun Hot Stick
The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her back and then re-inserted.

Christmas Turkey Carver
The act of sitting carefully behind your prone partner, inserting three fingers in her vagina, one in her ass, and voraciously pumping your digits in and out, maintaining a perfect L-bend at the elbow, and using only your rotator cuff as a power pivot

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back, lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Chocolate Pizza Milkshake
(added 2/10/02) Felching somebody with hemorrhoids.

Cocoa and Tea
(added 2/10/02 â" thanks Keith ) After doing the "Dog in a Bathtub" â" you plop your buttstained basted balls into your hoâ(TM)s mouth.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries. This leaves you with a "Chili Dog"

Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms, etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months, continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal of fucking your urethra.

Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's performing fellatio.

The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho bitch girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around. (Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I know you've got some fat girlfriends to help you out.)

The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice, you'll have the effectiveness of a drill press and within weeks you'll be able to bore through wood.

Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University comes this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn" means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead gorgeous, that you would happily eat the corn out of her shit. Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn bitch, you are Corn!"

Couch Bombing
When you fill a small Ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a woman...but no need to buy It dinner first

Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore.

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to impress your friends.

Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be gay, lesbian or straight.

Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in handy on those cold winter nights.

Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty Sanchez.

Dirty Swirly
While boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both), stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.

Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

Double Wishbone
The play in which, while in seated 69 position, the man inserts both index fingers into the vagina and both middle fingers into the anus followed by aggressively pulling outwards with both arms. Spitting in anus, while optional, is encouraged for future maneuvers.

Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely fuck it without the danger of a messy split.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be very messy.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-anal, double-vaginal". This is the term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core porn industry norm.

The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut sack. This causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after performed.

Felching
A gay activity which I do not condone at all. It happens when one fag fucks another fag in the ass and then sucks the jizz out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to jail. *note: never seen it done with a straw...

The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion signaling that she has been there and done that.

Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that demented.

Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying camel. Strictly a class move.

The Flying Dutchman.
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However, its popularity increased and it has now developed into a specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing interesting side effects.

The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

Fur Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

Glazed Donut
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spoo-ing all over her pastry buns, thus transforming her rump into the illusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those who like watersports.

Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but you asked for the Greek salad

Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's appetite.

Hershey Highway
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though, just pretend it's extra lube.

High Dive
The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry "Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.

Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood trick or if you're slinging a small dick.

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.

Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's mouth.

Hot Lunch, Vegeterian
A variation upon the aforementioned meal in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with animal product occurs.

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a broad hums her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt against your dick will most definitely produce a healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the Juanita "special" bean dip.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next, the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark) and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss it out the window.)

Manure Transfer
The act when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down (see SAMOAN PILE DRIVER), back-to-back with the right-side-up standing man. Through careful anal-orifice matching techniques, the man craps directly into the woman's upside-down pooper.

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs and sucks you off.

Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the turds to the rectum of the other.

The Moose
The sign given to a kickee when in doggie style. It is performed by placing both hands over your head with palms facing out and waving your fingers wildly.

The Moped
A chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if you know what I mean.

The Mork
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index fingers up her cunt. (Please note: Not complete until you finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)

Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period. Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love you forever.

Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself) handjob. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bitch again.

The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of eating the food.

New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind.

New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on her box. Happy trails.

The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

Oven Stuffer Roaster
The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).

Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.

Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)

Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his load.

Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch. Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've been eating.)

Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry. Fuck that diamonds are forever shit.

The Pig Roast
While you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style, (up the dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.

Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty, you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.

Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face, then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials.

The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then, inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered popcorn?

Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog directly into her nostrils.

Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is released.

The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in penile sensitivity.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn your red wings soldier!

Resuscitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

Rim
n. the outer, often curved or circular edge of something.
2. the outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot.
3. v. (ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your tongue.

The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

The Roscoe
The act of using one's genitals as a bludgeoning device to upside the ho's head with your beefy billy club.

The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

Samoan Pile Driver
A sexual position that occurs when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down. The practitioner of the Pile Driver stands above the woman and points his shit due south, simply bending his knees for repeated bludgeoning. This process is repeated while screaming, "Abdaay... goony, goony, goony... ABDAY. ABDAY. ABDAY. HA!" Repeat and rinse.

Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach. Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load, without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure, grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked, and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during the spring break season.

Scabby
The unfortunate occurrence for a male due to a practice of dry fucking in blue jeans sans undergarments. One of the most feared of all sexual accidents.

The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

The Seatbelt
While one fag straddles his partners cock, he receives a blowjob from the fruitcake on the bottom.

Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her out.

The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)

Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction power.

Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.

Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore cross-country action.

Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest, fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with the intent that it will break up a slump.

Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homo pulls his extra foreskin over the cock of another homo and proceeds to jerk him off. Those gays have way too much free time. Can be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!"

Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a snuff film superstar.

Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep & then jerking off, giving you the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her over, and jerk off all over her ass.

Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck that instead.

Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.

Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed. Hopefully, you will give her an infection.

Tea and Cocoa (added 2/10/02) See "Cocoa and Tea"

Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner: thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

Topeka Destroyer
The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while receiving fellatio.

The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e. you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly, syrup, olive oil, etc.)

Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you break wind.

Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop though. When the whale spews tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry smothers your face.

Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive, and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M fun.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product occurs.

Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g. "Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

The Walrus
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the walrus.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use, hence, western.

Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands on the left side of her face.

The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her forehead.

The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting, trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at you with those pretty little eyes" when you blow your load. Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo, blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking dead.

Re:Your mom mailed me this .. She liked the variet (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226744)

+5 insightful ;p

If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone be (3, Insightful)

HiThere (15173) | about 11 years ago | (#6226693)

If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone be surprised?

MS has destroyed company after company that tried to work with them or cooperate with them. Adding MacroMedia to the list would be no surprise. In fact, if you can name a company that depends on MS to any significant extent, then I would add them to my list of "endangered companies". It takes them longer to get around to some than to others is all.

MS only thinks of technical evangelism as war if you idea of war is scorched earth that nobody can live on.

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (3, Insightful)

KrispyKringle (672903) | about 11 years ago | (#6226743)

Oh, please. This is just unthinking anti-MS drivel.

Consider for a moment that Wired article [wired.com] on the downfall of SUN Microsystems. One recurring theme in the personality of McNealy, SUN's CEO, is his inability to cooperate with the competition and instead his insistence on turning competitors into enemies and market competition into war.

If MS does this (and they may indeed), this is merely business as usual among many of these corporations. Corporate America is not a day-care facility; companies can and do play hardball. The question is not "does MS want to help or hurt the competition" but rather "did MS engage in illegal anti-competitive practices which are bad for the consumer and bad for the market." I don't see you answering that question.

Wal-Mart destroyed the competition. And, yes, some say Wal-Mart is evil. But all they did is healthy, normal competition, no?

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (3, Informative)

someguy42 (609667) | about 11 years ago | (#6226756)

Actually, Macromedia is a big enough (and incredibly well established) company that their destruction by Microsoft actually would be a big surprise. Macromedia already produces most of their products for Macintosh, as well as some of their product (barely functional ColdFusion server) for Linux. Microsoft would have to fight pretty hard to take Macromedia down.

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (2, Insightful)

NanoGator (522640) | about 11 years ago | (#6226761)

"If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone be surprised?"

It's funny hearing this from the same place that thinks BSOD jokes are always +5, Funny. The Slashdot Community is nauseatingly evangelistic about Linux to the point of modding down people who don't join in with their pitchforks.

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226870)

insightful

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (2, Insightful)

The Bungi (221687) | about 11 years ago | (#6226847)

MS only thinks of technical evangelism as war if you idea of war is scorched earth that nobody can live on.

Right, because we all know this type of thing is never done by companies like Apple, Borland, IBM, Sun, Cisco, etc. Or (heavens forbid) people who advocate open source software. At least company wars are fought in level fields - the "good vs. evil" mentality that permeates most open source zealots is downright cynical and pathetic at best.

(btw, spare me the "m$ is a monopoly so teh [sic] rules are difrereent [sic] with them" line)

Re:If MS were to use such strategies, would anyone (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226877)

Adding MacroMedia to the list would be no surprise

The suprise is that Macromedia added themselves to Microsoft's list.

Everyone installed Flash because it was a neat-o animation tool. Nobody expected it to become a dev platform like VB and Java. Macromedia has been working very quiety to translate their 98% install rate into a position of strategic control, and now we get to worry about viruses, security holes, corporate deployment and so on from a completely unexpected vector.

Evangelism..urk...Evangelion (0, Offtopic)

garfangle (467857) | about 11 years ago | (#6226696)

Pray to Poll: Rei or Asuka?

Uh...Shinji: Misato ;)

Re:Evangelism..urk...Evangelion (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226830)

Asuka's a lot like Microsoft- bullies her way around things, gets deppressed, bullies some more, and ultimately gets eaten by the rest of the Evas, much like Microsoft will ultimately get eaten by a round of angry pen pen's.

Macromedia in trouble? (0, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226700)

Macromedia's days are numbered once MS targets flash.

It's probably only a matter of time before MS decides to start targeting Adobe markets as well.

Re:Macromedia in trouble? (4, Insightful)

molarmass192 (608071) | about 11 years ago | (#6226831)

Agreed, same with Norton's and McAffee now that MS wants their share of the pie. Since, they own the browser, they can simply bundle Flash out of existence. It won't happen overnight (see Real for example) but it will happen. The only life line available for these companies is to focus and push Linux adoption. If and when Linux gets 25% of the desktop market, the monopoly will break. The sad truth is that most companies in this situation do not adopt an offensive stance but rather adopt a defensive posture aimed at maintaining their piece of the pie. That defensive posture served Corel and Borland well in any case. When you strike a deal with the devil you should know that payback will eventually come around.

Re:Macromedia in trouble? (1)

molarmass192 (608071) | about 11 years ago | (#6226883)

... oh, all you MS employees out there, notice I said "*IF* AND WHEN ...", not simply "WHEN ...". Nothing is a foregone conclusion, especially when it involves taking food from the big dog's bowl.

Re:Macromedia in trouble? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226897)

I actually wish MS would target Dreamweaver. I think Visual Studio could learn a few things about installation size, HTML editing, and code generation from Dreamweaver.

Competition (1, Interesting)

blogeasy (674237) | about 11 years ago | (#6226708)

It seems that more and more, competition is breeding brand awareness and evangelism. It's an inherent part of doing business.

Guy Kawasaki (5, Funny)

birdman666 (144812) | about 11 years ago | (#6226713)

There have been Macintosh evangelists for years, so don't worry, Microsoft isn't innovating.

Re:Guy Kawasaki (1)

Uart (29577) | about 11 years ago | (#6226929)

Yeah, but Microsoft is going to have l33t 3v4n3l15t5 haX0rZ!!!!!

Mustn't go unchallenged! (1)

Otter (3800) | about 11 years ago | (#6226720)

What says "New York to me?" Eating a Pastrami sandwich at the First Street Deli. Seeing a Broadway Play. Walking around Times Square at midnight and stopping into Roxy's for cheesecake.

Excuse me, I think he means the Second Avenue Deli.

And you go to Junior's for cheesecake, preferably after a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. And Broadway is for tourists.

Sorry, Microsoft what?

Re:Mustn't go unchallenged! (1)

geekoid (135745) | about 11 years ago | (#6226871)

I'm not even from the east coast, and I found that hilarious, and apetizing.

Re:Mustn't go unchallenged! (1)

Eyston (462981) | about 11 years ago | (#6226909)

Not a fan of the Roxy's 10 dollar slice of cheesecake?

-Eyston

MS thinking about buying Macromedia? (0, Troll)

Phishpin (640483) | about 11 years ago | (#6226721)

I recall reading that somewhere, probably Infoworld. Bah, it was probably Cringly that said it.

M$ = Robin Hood (2, Funny)

Jedi Holocron (225191) | about 11 years ago | (#6226735)

So...Microsoft is about to champion for the little guy in the war on spam. Check out this link [cnn.com] at CNN.com [cnn.com] .

Robin Hood is Evil (1)

duncan bayne (544299) | about 11 years ago | (#6226852)

Well, specifically: the modern concept of Robin Hood is evil.

Supposedly, Robin Hood took money taken from the citizens in compulsory taxes, & returned it to the taxpayers. This is a perfectly moral act.

However, in modern parlance, Robin Hood 'stole from the rich, and gave to the poor'. This is immoral, & is no different to stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Re:Robin Hood is Evil (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226926)

Thanks for clarifying that. You know, just as I was about to click the link to read about Microsoft and spam, I thought to myself, "hm, I wonder what duncan bayne's self-aggrandised run-of-the-mill morality would say about Robin Hood?". Fortunately you've told me, and everyone else, without even being asked, and without a care in the world as to how off the topic it might be. I am forever in your debt.

Re:M$ = Robin Hood (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226942)

After selling their customers' email addresses to spammers, Microsoft turn against spammers.

Pretty insightful about how they treat their business partners in general.

Wow (0, Troll)

Azureflare (645778) | about 11 years ago | (#6226741)

If this isn't anti-competitive and monopolist, I don't know what is! Pretty soon Microsoft will cut out all 3rd party vendors! Great.

Where are you, justice system of America? Why aren't you protecting us, and the smaller companies, from the big bad troll?

"Microsoft is the true company!! Use it or you will be punished in hell for eternity! Repent your sinful ways! Disband O ye geeks of linux and mac and unix lore!"

Re:Wow (1)

SkewlD00d (314017) | about 11 years ago | (#6226799)

Next stop... AOL develops it's own os, after M$ gives it a swift kick in the ass for taking too many MSN losers. Oh wait, they've got Solaris. Maybe they'll include more netscape and gator spyware and make it really suck.

MS is Hardcore (3, Funny)

Agent Deepshit (677490) | about 11 years ago | (#6226747)

"As a direct result, Microsoft built its annual profits from an impressive XXX to an astounding XXX"

When did MS get into hard core porn?

Parent +5 Interesting (1)

sn00ker (172521) | about 11 years ago | (#6226753)

Very interesting indeed.
Few things are more damaging than the words from the enemy camp. In this case, though, I'm a little confused. Plamondon is supposedly a former MS employee, but he writes in the present tense. Is he just confused about his loyalties, or is he actually an MS plant? (Yeah, I know that MS employees are vegetables :P)
That material is volatile, to say the least. He basically admits to what everyone knows: MS wants to achieve nothing less than total domination of everything with a CPU - They probably even want to run your wristwatch. Obviously the DoJ suit meant nothing (we already knew this, but it's nice to get confirmation), and it was business-as-usual in the FUD capital of the world.

Re:Parent +5 Interesting (1)

human10 (681943) | about 11 years ago | (#6226858)

It does not look like a war, it looks like an attempt to conquer the world. BG is trying to establish it's own computer/software/economic empire. We will be all slaves of Microsoft! It is a joke, but every joke has an alement of a joke. Where are you Luke Skywalker?

Robert Scoble? (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226780)


You would think Microsoft could get someone better than Robert Scoble. He sounds like a self-important pretenious asshole.

Evangelism (4, Informative)

The Bungi (221687) | about 11 years ago | (#6226803)

The words "evangelism" and "evangelist" are all wrong. They have an obvious religious overtone that conveys the wrong message. The job should have neither military (as in this case) or religious tones of any type. They're software products, for fsck's sake.

I remember during the Team OS/2 vs. ClubWin wars on USENET there was a drive within Microsoft to rename the position to "Technical Advocate". It failed because some product managers (not project managers) argued that "advocate" wasn't an agressive enough term. Sigh.

By and large though, Microsoft evangelists tend to be nice people (like Scoble, who used to organize the Fawcette [fawcette.com] industry conferences for a long time). Much different from sales drones and even most enterprise support reps.

Re:Evangelism (1)

PD (9577) | about 11 years ago | (#6226894)

I agree with you completely, but there is one thing I must know first. Do you use vi or emacs?

Re:Evangelism (3, Funny)

The Bungi (221687) | about 11 years ago | (#6226928)

Do you use vi or emacs?

Long live pico!!!

Re:Evangelism (1)

geekoid (135745) | about 11 years ago | (#6226930)

I think its a perfect word. I went to a couple of MS events in the eighties, and they were run just like a religous gathering.
I went to a launch event for server 2003, it's still the same way.

Flash is dead (2, Interesting)

interiot (50685) | about 11 years ago | (#6226807)

Or so this evangelist hopes... In favor of SVG [w3.org] , an open XML W3C spec that doesn't require expensive tools to create. Mozilla sorta supports it now and should have much better support in the future. Even though SVG isn't terribly popular yet, I already see far far more database-driven content than I do with flash since XML is pretty easy to manipulate and generate.

Pawns? (5, Insightful)

druske (550305) | about 11 years ago | (#6226829)

What a lovely attitude Microsoft has towards its customers:
...The field of battle is the computer industry and its neighbouring vertical markets. Every person, company, product, etc., on this battlefield that is not a competing platform vendor, is a pawn in the struggle between such vendors.

We win the battle when a critical mass of pawns chose to support our platform, such that the rest will too. We cannot compel this choice at the barrel of a gun. Our weapons are psychological, social, and economic â" not military. Each pawn that choses to support a Microsoft platform, does so as a rational decision to serve its own ends, whatever those may be.

To win, we must understand every relevant fact about the pawns â" their fears and desires; their likes and dislikes; their beliefs and doubts; their motivations and obstacles. We can only win the allegiance of the pawns by understanding what they need, and supplying it; what they fear, and alleviating it; what they believe, and reinforcing it; where they want to go tomorrow, and taking them there...
Not that such an attitude comes as a shock to anyone on Slashdot, of all places... and not that other corporations care much more than Microsoft... but even so, I'll bet Microsoft is less than thrilled with this little bit of PR. I like how he weaves in the "Where do you want to go today?" slogan.

I wonder if Microsoft understands how motivating it is when people to learn it regards them as pawns? In the last couple years Microsoft has succeeded in motivating me to develop software for the Palm OS, and now for OS X...

Re:Pawns? (1)

druske (550305) | about 11 years ago | (#6226844)

"when people to learn"... ugh, sorry about that...

I was an Evangelist too (4, Insightful)

Twid (67847) | about 11 years ago | (#6226835)

I worked as an evangelist for Novell, and, while I think Mr. Plamondon makes some good points, I agree with Micah Alpern that war analogies aren't necessarily the right ones. Also, I would think Mr. Plamondon would be more marketing-savvy than to refer to people that are helping him as "pawns". Chess analogy or not, it's not exactly a postitive signal to be sending out to people doing your work for you. :)

One very good point he makes is the idea of empowering other people to create materials about the technology you are evangelizing. It was amazing to me that I could get a lot of high quality help out of people for just a little public recognition, or some free software, or a nice gadget. People like to feel like they are helping with things that they feel passionately about. Heck, that's one of the reasons why the Linux movement has done so well, since just about anyone can dive in and start contributing in some way.

The problem I always experienced was from internal groups who were afraid of losing control of the corporate image. For example, we talked a lot about providing open forums and community sites for end users and consultants to share their solutions. This ended up being a series of communities we called CoolSolutions. But the actual code and solutions that people wrote went through a gauntlet of legal and marketing people, and it really wasn't an "open" community, it was all carefully screened.

The book "The Cluetrain Manifesto" talks a lot about these issues with large companies afraid to give up control. I think the right thing to do is for companies to loosly try to encourage an "ecosystem" around their technologies that then becomes self supporting. In this sense, they are practicing biomimicry in the form of crop diversity. You could think of internal PR and marketing departments as monocrops that are very susceptible to a single bad link, such as a sucky chief marketing officer. Diversity is good, and a product evangelism is one role that can encourage corporate "crop" diversity.

As an aside, I'm currently looking for a job. So if anyone in management read this and said, "product evangelists? I've gotta get me one of those!", then you can get to my resume here. [dailey.info] or e-mail me at twid @ projectjellybean.com. I don't smell, I brush my teeth several times a day, I have no open oozing wounds, and I'm great fun at parties.

Is it a troll (1)

StormyWeather (543593) | about 11 years ago | (#6226840)

when you point out the illiteracy of an article? This guy is a purported author, but he can't seem to grasp simple grammar. His concepts are sound for what could be an entertaining book, if his proofreaders don't shoot him first.

There is no war (0)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226843)

I think of platforms not as competing against each other, but competing to be a solution. More often than not, that means a solution with multiple answers that can include Microsoft, OSS, and proprietary Unix is the same breath.

Iâ(TM)m too old for evangelism. I gave up the ghost when I sold my A4000 and bought a P100.

Ignores the negatives (1)

loadquo (659316) | about 11 years ago | (#6226861)

Well I suppose this was written by an ex-Microsoft employee so is understandable, but it ignores the negative aspects for the consumer of what you must do to win the competing platform wars.

For example compare these two quotes:

"Why Evangelise Technologies?
To make money â" lots of money. Establishing its proprietary technologies as industry standards has been the basis of Microsoftâ(TM)s success from its first day. How the control of industry standards can result in phenomenal wealth, will be addressed later in this book."

"We Win if They Win
No one likes being thought of as a pawn in someone elseâ(TM)s struggle â" and theyâ(TM)re right. The may be pawns, but they are really important pawns, and our future rests on their decisions. We win their allegiance by really, truly, seriously doing our very best to help them succeed.


Does anybody else see the mutual inconsistancy of these two postitions? That the software that would "help them suceed" should be based on open standards (so that many people could develop backward compatible solutions and the best be chosen with no lock in) would not be the ones that "made money, lots of money".

Can anyone say doublethink?

Proven protection against evangelism (5, Interesting)

geoff lane (93738) | about 11 years ago | (#6226863)

is to open up your client software. That way you get your code ported to more platforms than you can count... for free.

It's difficult for a company that only really supports one platform to compete against s/w that's in widespread use everywhere.

Opening up netscape five years earlier would have killed IE before it even got started. Real may understand this now, I wonder if Macromedia does yet.

Standard responses to an article about M$ (5, Funny)

donutello (88309) | about 11 years ago | (#6226884)

1. "This is another part of the evil plan by an evil company to use its evil monopoly for world domination."
2. "This is not new. Apple/BSD/ has done this for years. Another example of M$ just copying others and having no innovation."
3. "This is the end. As soon as customers hear about this, they will en masse migrate away and Bill will be a pauper by next year."
4. "(-1, Troll) Look, this is another example of how the great lord Bill is making things better for all of us!"

phew (4, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | about 11 years ago | (#6226895)


for a second i thought we where going to have a non-Microsoft bashing day, thank goodness this story came up, i was beginning to worry about our reputation.

if(story.indexOf("microsoft")!=-1){cursingMsComm en ts++}

microsoft is not a tech company (1, Insightful)

b17bmbr (608864) | about 11 years ago | (#6226902)

really, what "technologies" have they developed, other than the animated paper clip. they buy, beg, borrow, or hell, just steal whatever they need. and never in their technological evangelism, is there any notion of the BETTER technology winning. in fact, most of theirs that won, isn't even close.

Microsoft is responsible for macromedia's success (5, Insightful)

robogun (466062) | about 11 years ago | (#6226911)

I don't get it. The sole reason Macromedia is the size it is, is simply because Windows has no option to permanently refuse a web download.

In the old days, when you hit a site that has flash content, and you don't have it installed, it would try to install Flash. The dialog box has no option to permanently refuse Flash, so sooner or later everybody just gives in.

This policy allowed Macr to reach critical mass. Now brosers ship with Flash. Now you're telling me Microsoft is against Macr?

Good Heavens (5, Insightful)

GMFTatsujin (239569) | about 11 years ago | (#6226917)

From the article: An unconscious decision is ideal, from the platform vendorâ(TM)s perspective. When ISVs support a Microsoft platform without even realizing that they have made a decision, and rejected any alternatives, then we have truly won that platform battle.

The truth - the almost sinister truth - of that statement grips me at my soul.

The trick is that folks think they're making a choice to purchase a merely single item, be it a CD, and DVD, a software package, a computer, a vehicle, or a politician (with a vote or literally with a breifcase of money). The reson this is a trick is that by making that choice, the purchaser endorses the entire chain of policies and events that bring that product to the shelf. You're literally saying, "whatever happened to get this product in my hot little hands, it's okay by me because the price is right.

Until I read that line above, I hadn't thought of the entire hegemony that lurked behind a price sticker with the kind of laser precision that the author used to word it. And I always thought I was a reasonably self-aware guy. HOLY SHIT. His side won, and I didn't even realize I was in a battle.

I'm making that line my sig. Nothing woke me up with quite the same jolt that it did. Maybe I'm just dumber than I thought I am. Is it just me?

GMFTatsujin

Planning (1)

under_score (65824) | about 11 years ago | (#6226932)

I have to admit that I learned a lot from this chapter. I have always wondered about the fact that in university the marketing class I took as some enrichment for my comp sci degree was by far the most useful class I took. Now I know that there was even more basic knowledge missing. Expect to see my name in headlines in a few years :-)

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