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The State of the Game Console Wars

michael posted more than 11 years ago | from the no-holds-barred dept.

XBox (Games) 439

An anonymous reader writes "Two years after the next-gen game consoles hit the market, the verdict is in. What does the future hold for each of the Big Three? Here is a thoughtful but crude summary of the X-Box vs. GC vs. PS2 ordeal."

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The Troll War (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720338)

Chapter 1

It was 03:00. The moonless night engulfed three individuals in complete darkness. Three individuals who moved, with surprising grace, toward a single destination. Three individuals on a campaign; a mission. A campaign to rid Slashdot of lame trolls. A mission to ultimately destroy Slashdot forever.

A low candle flame, flickering slightly in the crisp Autumn night breeze, lit the storm sewer corridors and access tubes with a deep yellow pallor. Faint whisperings, little more than leaves brushing against ancient cement walls to the rest of the world, could be heard.

"Where is Alan? I thought I saw him approaching a moment ago," Trollaxor hissed. Standing a full 6 foot, with slicked-back black hair and a few day's worth of stubble, Trollaxor looked every bit the revolutionary in his black leather biking jacket. His green eyes pierced the dimly lit darkness, awaiting a response.

"I believe he tripped on his beard," Linus stated matter-of-factly, with just a hint of impatience. Linus Torvalds, Open Source hero and maintainer of Linux, stood taut as coiled snakes as he realized the gravity of the situation.

"Contact him. We have already overstayed our time in this place, even as we arrive." Trollaxor pushed.

"Fine," Linus Torvalds threw back the hood that concealed his Finnish visage, which was painted with tightly closed eyes and a look of grim concentration. He rubbed his temples lightly as sweat began to bead upon his high Finnish forehead.

Mumbling rapidly in Finnish, Linus turned to the East, now raising one hand above his head, palm extended to the direction of the sun's somnal abode.

"I can't seem-- to contact him--" Linus grunted in broken English. "I will try another method!"

Now a tributary of Old Swedish poured from the well of Linus's foreign maw. Trollaxor started, "Linus, if he is lost to us, there is nothing you can do, not even a fossil language can bring him to us now!"

Linus broke his linguistic trance and turned to Trollaxor. "In the name of all discontinued Japanese Transformers! The enemy must have captured him! Damn him and his filth-ridden beard! Now you know why I hate working with dirty GNU hippies!"

The enemy, as both Trollaxor and Linus knew too well, were the nefarious Slashdot Moderators, a group of numb-minded, brainwashed denizens of their strange, dark world that patrolled in hopes of "disabling" those who rebelled against their beloved Commander's will. "As dirty as he was, he was a valuable ally that you and I and the rest of the free world needed," Trollaxor dryly pointed out. "If the Mods got him, we must forego tonight's plans and rescue him immediately!"

Grunting again, this time out of frustration and anger, Linus whispered sharply thru clenched teeth in a heavy accent, thick with Finnish and Old Gutnish phonemic forms. "In the name of unmade Beast Wars toys, how are you and I to do a thing if the Mods patrol tonight?"

Trollaxor, ever the rebel to thrive against challenge, grew a vicious smile as he turned to Linus again. "The harder they patrol, the harder we troll, my friend." Linus remained nonplussed. As Trollaxor tightened the belts on his black leather biking jacket and made sure all miscelanaous zippers were sealed, his face brightened even more. "We've faced worse setbacks. Remember the Fallen Trolls. And remember moreso those Trolls who have gone over to the other side."

As Trollaxor's voice trailed off, Linus hung his head and exhaled slowly. Thoughts of the fallen whipped thru Linus's Finnish brain like TCP packets to Linux's bit bucket. "No, how can I not remember. Troll Mastah, Signal 11, travesty... They tried to break us!"

"Looks like they'll try again!" Trollaxor replied, smiling, completing a verse from "Wild Boys", the infamous Duran Duran track that Trollaxor and his camp had taken up as their anthem. "Now come on. We have some Mods that need bitchslapped tonight!"

Linus closed his eyes and bobbed his head three times, while, in Latin, rattling "nonigne et neluce, ex! ex! ex!", automagically extinguishing the candle that had lit their clandestine council. Casting a dirgical glance at each other, Linus and Trollaxor crept out into the night on their newly made, desperate mission.

In the backs of both of their minds, fear gnawed at them.

Chapter 2

Alan Cox wearied to the point of exhaustion. As sweat stung his eyes and collected in his beard, he shook his head lightly and peered over top of his cheap sunglasses.

It was night. Early morning? Alan didn't know. He felt a pain on the back of his head and firm hands gripping his skinny, atrophied arms. He heard fast talking in a barbarous tongue. He estimated, by the sound of footsteps and murmuring, he was in a party of about a dozen people. People he knew to be the dread Moderators.

Suddenly, he heard shouting up ahead, and heard the company begin to halt. More shouting in what he finally realized was the Etruscan tongue, which had been used exclusively by the Moderators since the dawn of their kind, and then silence. Thru the silence he heard a single set of footsteps drawing nearer.

"Where?" Alan forced out, finding his own voice to be dry and strained from strain and sleepiness.

A quick slap from whoever had stepped in front of him silenced Alan immediately. "You, Alan Cox, rebel, dissident, shit-disturber." Alan noticed the substandard English immediately. "You have no right to ask 'where'. You have no rights anymore. Those who choose to stand against the Commander and Slashdot are lucky to even--"

The speaker was abruptly cut short when Alan spat in his face. "You fucking karma whore! Power-hungry insecure fucking karma whore!"

The speaker started. "SILENCE, PIG!" as he buried an armored knee into Alan's loins. Alan barfed in pain, most of the vomit entangling in his beard. "You'll not speak again!" The speaker stepped back a few paces, and, in the Etruscan tongue, which Alan knew little of, ordered the others in the company to strip their prisoner naked. Even as Alan blew the last few chunks of undigested Ramen noodles and soggy Cheezie Doodlez out of his mouth and sinus cavities, his clothes we ripped from his haggard body, exposing his small, pale, hairy frame to the night air.

"Ah," began the voice in English again. "Alan Cox, naked and petrified. What a laugh!" A cork popped off a container in the darkness At the sound, Alan began to scream like a little girl. "Oh, Alan doesn't like Hot Grits? Alan must know what the Commander's Hot Grits do to trolls! What a clever little traitor you are. Bottoms up!" And with that the glug-glug of emptying liquid was heard. Alan's screams filled the night as deadly Hot Grits were poured onto his sodden crotch.

As Alan thrashed his head and beard wildly, he felt the petrification simultaneously climbing up and rolling down from his crotch. By this point he could not feel his dingle-dangle, and his toes he could barely move. Alan gritted his teeth and hissed at his captors. "Never. As long as I have breath left!"

Sinister laughter filled the air as Alan slowly heaved his chest and struggled even to wiggle his beard, now almost totally petrified. "Well, you won't have breath for very much longer". Alan, now almost totally numb and paralyzed, saw a torch brought forth. And in the split second before he drank oblivion, he saw the wicked face his tormenter, lit by wildly dancing fire. Then he saw nothing.

With the petrification complete, Signal 11 laughed a laugh poisonous with sarcasm and evil. "Burn his clothes and bind him for carrying. We have a long journey before we reach base by morning," he spat in Etruscan.

The company of Moderators, led by Signal 11, embarked on the last leg of their journey, complete with Alan Cox, naked and petrified.

Chapter 3

Trollaxor and Linus stooped low, under the brush that grew alongside the road above. Their breaths came quickly.

"Linus, can you try to detect his presence? Is he within our radius? I last saw Alan along the Southern pass of this road as I flew silently overhead to our storm sewer hideout!" passed Trollaxor in a fluid whisper.

"He was far when last I tried to contact him," replied Linus. "I could barely detect his presence, let alone his position. I'll try again." Linus, clutching at the bramble and heather under him, hissed rapidly in Latin, then Old Norse, constructing an incantation of detection. Trollaxor watched on, helpless to aid his compatriot, intensely awaiting any sign of Alan Cox.

Linus ejaculated his incantation at fever pitch now, too fast for Trollaxor, even with his own self-taught linguistic skills, to decipher anything. Linus began to chant in Frisian and Anglo-Saxon now, sweat dripping from his slick Finnish forehead, glasses fogging above his tortured breath, now a fast pant, like a dog's in heat.

With a cry like a freshly dehymened virgin, Linus collpased on the ground, breathing fast, full of despair. "I cannot sense him, for all the Decepticon generals in the world !" It is as if he no longer exists here any longer, or never did!"

After a few seconds, Linus started to sit up, an expectant look on his face, toward Trollaxor.

Trollaxor's face was awash with anxiety and worry. "Did you sense any other presences? The Moderators? Any other trolls, hidden in the area? ANYTHING?"

Linus blew hot air from his lungs. "Though they're no longer within my radius of persuasion, a group of Moderators were here not long ago. I could sense that. About a dozen. And yet..."

Linus stared hard at nothing, biting his Finnish lip almost hard enough to draw blood. Trollaxor came eye to eye with Linus. "Yet what? What did you sense?"

With a hard stare into oblivion, Linus shook himself and wiped his generically cut hair back off his his face. "The Moderators' presence were easy enough to detect. Yet there was one among them who was concealed from me. He was not a moderator. Not a moderator, but very powerful. But I could not-- His identity was totally concealed! Very powerful and saturated in the Commander's evil!"

Biting his own succulent, bad ass lip, Trollaxor weighed the gravity of Linus's report. "Was it one of the Black Advocates? Why would they be on a petty Moderator patrol?!? What does it mean?"

"No!" exclaimed Linus. "It was not one of the Advocates. Their signatures are known to me. Their presence is always felt. Their black weight crushes my shoulders always. But no, it was not one of the Advocates. That is what worries me, and you too, I am sure."

Weighing options, his typical aloof and devil-may-care attitude gone from him, Trollaxor finally stood upright and turned away from Linus. "We'll have to hold up in the Storm Sewer compound until we can devise something. We're not safe near the road, and with no reason to follow it, the risk isn't worth it to expose ourselves. Here, climb on my back, I will fly us there in a silent manner."

Linus mounted Trollaxor, hugging his arms around Trollaxor's waist, inhaling the macho scent of Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket. The aroma filled him with courage and eased his mind from unneeded and useless worry. He closed his eyes and felt Trollaxor take off silently into the night sky.

By the time Linus opened his eyes to see their location, the Storm Sewer compound was rapidly coming into view. A few seconds later, they entered it, after a feather-soft and soundless landing.

Trollaxor groped in the darkness, knocking over a few books and what sounded like a Sun 3/60 workstation by the concrete breaking under it. "lux igne!" Linus pronounced in Latin, causing a candle to light.

Trollaxor had indeed knocked loose a Sun 3/60, and the split in the concrete was massive. With a stern look on his face, he replaced it, and then retrieved what he had been looking for. "OK. I know you're exhausted. There is a pile of hay in the next corridor you can make sleep in. I'll be up a while longer researching some things." He set a pile of books on a nearby table while he finished addressing Linus. Trollaxor then took a cigarette from inside of his black leather biking jacket and lit it with his customised Zippo lighter. As he drew a thoughful drag from his cigarette, he turned to Linus.

"I wouldn't worry too much. We are doing all we can at the moment. We'll need your strength to summon any trolls in the area that may be in hiding from the Moderators." Linus's expression didn't change; he was once again frightened for his ally, Alan Cox, as much as he loathed his personal hygeine habits.

"I did detect some trolls in the area, some quite near to hear, but well hidden from the Moderators and myself. Until then..." As he paused, Linus's forlorn expression focused on Trollaxor's carved face. "I am so frightened! Can I... Can..."

Trollaxor intercepted Linus's plea. "Do you want to sleep in my black leather biking jacket again, comrade?"

Linus nodded feebly while a winsome grin spread across his lips, revealing his gleaming Finnish teeth.

Trollaxor removed his black leather biking jacket after taking his cigarettes from its pockets. Donning it, Linus scurried to the next corridor without a word, sleep beckoning to him like a Bangkok whore to sailors on leave. Soon his soft Finnish snores could be heard echoing quietly thruout the Storm Sewer compund.

Meanwhile, Trollaxor opened several of the books, his face a godly representation of concentration. He knew deep inside his heart of hearts that he and Linus had little chance of wrestling Alan Cox away from a full patrol of Moderators. Though he didn't like to admit it, they needed more help, and the scarce, hidden trolls of the area were there best and only hope at the moment. He only hoped that he and Linus would find them willing to help.

Chapter 4

Day broke on Trollaxor's face as he stepped into the light, jacketless, his mind weary for sleep. He heard Linus stirring in one of the other corridors and knew he'd be awake and by his side in no time.

"You know, we have no chance against a full patrol of Moderators," Linus spoke, suddenly appearing next to Trollaxor, wearing Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket.

"I know. I knew that last night," replied Trollaxor. "I did some scouting. I flew past the Southern pass of this road and further on, down into the Southern Valley, within site of the Source Forge. And saw no signs of the Moderators or Alan." Linus looked down at the ground.

"The Moderators must have been on the move all night; that's the only way they could have been out of this area so quickly," Trollaxor continued. "We need Alan back before we can do anything else. And I didn't see any signs of trolls or trolling from here to the Source Forge either," finished Trollaxor in a dead tone.

Linus removed Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket and handed it to its owner, cold in the morning chill, a tight, thin white tshirt his only shield against the cold. He gladly wore his jacket again, and he could feel Linus's body warmth in it still.

"By Starscream's wing, we're helpless to do anything alone. Shall I begin rooting out trolls friendly to our cause?" asked Linus, turned to Trollaxor, awaiting instructions.

"No," replied Trollaxor, his wicked grin returned, revealing naturally straight, white teeth. "Past the Source Forge, out of the Valley, in the Far Southern Waste, is a band of trolls I know. Trolls we can trust. If they've continued their raids on the Source Forge, as they used to do, they should be well equipped and ready for action. We would do well to visit them, rather than looking for whomever might live around here."

Linus agreed quickly with Trollaxor, as he was apt to do, and spoke. "Who are they? Would they be able to travel with us?" Linus shook spiders and centipedes from his robe and a scorpion crawled out of his hood.

"They are established trolls, of the clan Litera, all adept to the greatest skills and intricacies of High Trolling. You haven't met them yet but soon will, assuming."

After a quick shave and shower, both Trollaxor and Linus sealed their Storm Sewer compound. They wouldn't be seeing it for a while. They had decided to walk, as flying during the day would almost certainly be detected by Slashdot's filters. And so they embarked on their journey, in search of allies and Alan.

Trollaxor burped and Linus giggled as they took the first few steps toward the Far Southern Waste.

Chapter 5

Gigant0r stirred in the sunbeams that cascaded thru the trees' leaves. He'd heard a massive burp just moments before, and as he awoke he began looking around.

Clothed only in a loincloth made of deciduous leaves and pine cones, the forest sprite Gigant0r realized in alarm that the doors to the nearby abandoned storm sewer had been sealed shut. Someone had been in his forest, and been blatant enough to belch so early in the morning, waking him! He began leaping from tree to tree, making soft cooing sounds, a look of panic on his pale British face.

After climbing to the top of a very tall, rigid tree, Gigant0r had his vantage point. He could see, far off in the distance, two travelers, alongside the road nearing Southern Pass, among the bramble and bushes. His keen forest eyes had caught what an untrained survey couldn't have.

His face glowed when he saw the one traveler's black leather biking jacket. Trollaxor had been in Gigant0r's forest for some time and he hadn't even known about it! With a sinking heart he realized he'd missed out on Trollaxor's company.

He climbed down from his tree and stepped gingerly toward the sealed Sewer Storm compound.

---

Linus and Trollaxor paused for a smoke. Linus took a cigarette from Trollaxor and placed it deftly between his lips while Trollaxor, in a single fluid motion, flicked his customised Zippo lighter into flame and lit Linus's cigarette.

Linus coughed as he inhaled the sweet, succoring smoke deep into his lungs. Trollaxor inhaled even deeper and exhaled the thick, white smoke into the forest air.

"Do you think it was wise to leave Robot Ron behind in the Storm Sewer compund, deactivated?" asked Linus.

"In case we need a backup from the North while we are past the Source Forge, Robot Ron can come by remote control," replied Trollaxor without thinking.

Robot Ron was a creation of Trollaxor's very early dabblings into AI and EE. Immensely strong and having special abilities such as 2x Grits generation and a full array of +1, +2, +3, and even +4 and +5 beams, Robot Ron was an asset to Trollaxor, with one catch: his personality algorithms were buggy.

Stupidly, under the recommendation of RMS (back before the Great Schism, when trolls and Advocates lived together in harmony), Trollaxor had used the GCC to compile virtually all of Robot Ron's AI. Now he was an unstable maniac, whose AI became more and more corrupt as his uptime increased. And so Trollaxor had decided to leave him behind.

"The less uptime he has, the better," continued Trollaxor. "We'll only use him in a dire emergency." Then, turning back to the path they were following, he said, "We'd better get going. The sooner we arrive at the Southern lip of the Valley the better."

And so they reembarked on their travail.

Chapter 6

The sealed door to the Storm Sewer compound creaked and groaned under the pressure tiny Gigant0r exerted, trying to open it. Sweat covered his pale, thin, hairless body, and his loin cloth threatened to lose its position around his waist if he didn't stop to readjust it.

"Fucking Hell! This door is always open! Why would Trollaxor have sealed this fucker?" Gigant0r cursed to no one in general. In his little British mind, Gigant0r tried reason why Trollaxor had sealed off the Storm Sewer compound. After several hours of standing still, his loincloth now more dangerously close to falling off then ever, Gigant0r shook himself out of his trance, smiled, and wiped dry spittle from his lips.

"Of course!" Gigant0r spake in his British accent, "they must be hiding something wonderful inside!" Thoughts of Cobalt Qubes, prototype first-generation PSX consoles, and life-sized posters of Kirk Cameron filled Gigant0r's head while a look of wild glee slowly spread across his face. "I must get in there. But how?"

---

Darkness had fallen when Gigant0r once again shifted violently out of his stupored trance. His loincloth finally fell to the ground of the forest, revealing his boyhood, but he didn't care. Gigant0r's plan to open the sealed Storm Sewer compound had been given birth to out of the vulva that was his mind.

Fishing around in his fallen loincloth, Gigant0r finally freed his thick-framed 70s style prescription lenses. Smelling like hot musk near his nose, he wore them like a pro. Gigant0r screwed up his face, as if trying to remember something.

"YES!" Gigant0r yelped, his naked, hairless body jumping up and down in glee. "I've got it!"

Suddenly the dark forest was filled with a poorly rendered version of the Beatle's "A Little Help from My Friends", in a blatantly uppity British accent. Leaves fell from the trees, small plants curled and died, and several birds flew into trees on purpose.

An amazing transformation was taking place. In the place of the pale, naked, hairless little boy was now a ripped, tanned, rug-chested Jewish man who bore a remarkable resemblence to Paul from the famous TV show, the Wonder Years, glasses and all.

Gigant0r, surrounded by a mystical light, finishing the last verse of the song in his own unique falsetto, raised his arms above his naked body. Taking in a deep breath, he clapped his hands together and bobbed his head three times each, chanting louder and louder, "I AM PAUL," until the forest shook with his squeaky boyish shouting.

Now Gigant0r / Paul, the ripped manthing, stalked toward the Storm Sewer compound with purpose.

"Seal the Compound, will you, Trollaxor?"

Gigant0r/Paul grabbed a hard hold of the door handle to the compound, a look of fierce desire on his face.

With a thud, Alan Cox's naked and petrified body landed on a pile of manure-ridden hay. He was cold and purple, and to the casual observer, would have been in the post mortem stage called rigor mortis. But this was not so. Evil Hot Grits had been used to petrify Alan and bring him to this woeful state.

As he reviewed all of this, Signal 11 laughed. Half of his band of mindless Moderators slept silently while the others tended to various chores, such as stoking the fires, watching guard, or hunting for maverick trolls in hopes of shooting them with Negative Modifier energy beams.

Signal 11 grabbed a piece of manure from the pile of hay where Alan Cox's naked and petrified body lay and chewed on it thoughtfully, completely content with the world, pleased with his choice of aligning himself with Slashdot, its Commander, the Moderators, and Black Advocates. His green and white armour shone warmly in the light of the fire. Yes, he thought, he had indeed made the right choice. But in the back of his mind he thought of Alan Cox and was troubled.

---

Before the Great Schism, when Trolls and Coders and DGHs and Moderators lived in harmony, Alan Cox had been an Advocate. A member of the GNU camp, Alan had had it made. Then money and power corrupted those with influence. Advocates were revealed to be the tools of the all-powerful Commander and his evil empire Slashdot. Moderators enforced martial law the world over; however, Alan did what no one expected: turning his back on the other Advocates, he sided with the Trolls.

Signal 11 had been one of the most skilled of his kind, practicing several of the arts of Higher Trolling. Running free with the legendary likes of Troll Mastah and Bruce Perens. [note the period], Signal 11 was a foundation upon which Trolldom was defined, a Troll among Trolls, a role model for young Trolls everywhere, and an all-around funny guy.

Then the Great Schism came. At that juncture in time, Signal 11 revealed himself to be tactile, cold, and selfish: acting in a similar but opposite fashion to what Alan Cox had done in the Great Schism, Signal 11 sold out his fellow Trolls and switched sides, crossing the chasm from being a master Troll to being a loyal Slashdot subject and Karma Whore.

As Signal 11 pondered he and Alan Cox's juxtaposed stations in life, he yawned loudly, smelling his manure-laden breath, and stretched his tired tendons by bending over and grabbing his ankles repeatedly. Calling to the last few wakeful Moderators in Etruscan, the mystery devil tongue of the Slashdot Empire, Signal 11 made way to his green and white tent, ready to curl up with his favorite book, the Cathedral and the Bazaar, and suck his pacifier until sleep took him.

Tomorrow he and his band of Moderators would reach ESR's fortress, and would be clean of Alan Cox, naked and petrified, forever.

Chapter 7

Linus snored in a Finnish manner, once again curled up in Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket, a look of simple happiness across his Finnish face as he slept dreamlessly.

Trollaxor and Linus had travelled farther South during the day, and had stopped for a few hours of sleep. The darkness enveloped them both. And it was in the darkness that it was safe for Trollaxor to fly.

Trollaxor looked upon the sleeping Linus. He surveyed the area once again and made sure Linus would be secure for the few hours that he would be gone. After once last glance around, and pulling some more brambles and heather over Linus's flaccid form, Trollaxor alighted and was gone into the night sky, his masculine form silhouetted by the new moon above.

---

Back at the Storm Sewer Compund, Gigant0r wept and wheezed.

His transformation into the rugged Jew Paul had been temporary. After wrenching the door off of the Storm Sewer Compound, Gigant0r / Paul felt a great weakness come over him. Being hypoglycemic, Gigant0r / Paul began to worry. The transformation into Paul taxed Gigant0r's tiny British body beyond what it could handle, and now Gigant0r lay in the doorway to the Storm Sewer Compound too weak to move, wheezing for breath.

"What I would do for some Cheezie Doodlez or Curry Ramen Noodlez now," thought Gigant0r in a moment of mental clarity. Sweat poured over and covered his boyish, hairless form in a sort of musky dew. "Fuck it all! There probably aren't even any life-sized posters of Kirk Cameron or PSX consoles at all in here, are there!?" he spoke aloud in his nasal British accent.

Gigant0r jumped as he heard some strange noises in reply. A squeaking, from the far end of the corridor he lay in, echoed to him. He paused for a moment to be certain that it was not his own voice. The squeak came again, this time after he hadn't spoken. Gigant0r began to worry again. Perhaps Trollaxor had sealed the Storm Sewer Compound not to keep others out, but to keep someone (or something) in. Gigant0r shuddered as he heard more sqeaking and now clanking. Growing closer.

Gigant0r never remembered what happened after he soiled and wet himself in fear, laying naked on the cold cement floor of the Storm Sewer Compound. Sweet oblivion beckoned and Gigant0r had blacked out.

---

Trollaxor had flown a little farther South when the Source Forge came into view. ESR's dreaded fortress of melancholy, it was heavily fortified with guns. Guns what should have never been in the hands of such an uneducated, evil entity such as ESR, one of the chief Black Advocates and a malicious Gas Baron.

As Trollaxor climbed higher into the night sky overtop the Source Forge, his ultra-thin PowerPC-based cellular phone, which ran QNX Neutrino, rang loudly. Panic struck Trollaxor as he retrieved the custom made celphone from the right back pocket of his form fitting jeans.

On the backlit LCD screen of his QNX-on-PowerPC celphone, the message glowed eerily at him in the night:

SSC UTIME640H PLANZ. THANK YOU.

Trollaxor realized this meant that the Storm Sewer Compound had been broken in to, and that Robot Ron had awoken, as he was set to do in such a case, and had neutralized the situation and was awaiting further instructions. UTIME640H was simply Robot Ron reporting his total uptime at reboot, 640 hours.

Just as Trollaxor began to dial Robot Ron's built-in cellular voice modem, panic struck him again. In his attention to his QNX-on-PowerPC backlit LCD screened celphone, he'd fallen in altitude and had come dangerously near to the Source Forge. So close, in fact, that he could even see the Slashdot filters that were probably detecting him right now. The Slashdot filters that flashed red.

"MENCSH, ZIELEN! SCHNELL! SCHNELL!!!" Trollaxor, still falling, looked to his right and saw a platoon of the Gas Baron's Hessian mercenaries taking aim at him with their insidious -1 Negative Modifiers. "Damn them!" thought Trollaxor, "there are Moderators among the Hessians!"

SCHEISSEN, trilled in the harsh Hessian accent that found its home on the tongues of ESR and his men, was the last word uttered before the Source Forge's defense force of Hessian mercenaries and Slashdot Moderators let loose at Trollaxor with deadly -1 Negative Modifier beams.

Chapter 8

Linus awoke to silence and the chill wind of Autumn in his bones. The Finnish hair on his pale programmer's chest stood on end as a breeze swept thru the heather and brambles that covered him; his robe was no deterrent for the weather in this season.

Linus also realized that he was alone. Trollaxor was nowhere to be seen in the dark, and Linus detected no one nearby. Clutching Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket for security, he felt a little stronger, and so dared to venture about the area.

Out of the inner pockets of his robe, Linus heard a beeping, and realized that his own custom celphone must have received a message. He fumbled in his robe for several seconds until reaching it. Linus's celphone was a treasured gift from Trollaxor. It had been Trollaxor's first cellular project, in which Intel's Pentium III processor and Linux were used. After realizing how shitty such a combination was, Trollaxor built his current celphone, using a copper PowerPC 440 core and QNX Neutrino 2.1 kernel, while giving his shoddier, initial foray into cellular innovation to Linus.

Whatever the architecture and OS, Linus saw on his celphone that Robot Ron had been reactivated. The message also revealed that Ron had been running a total of 640 hours upon this latest reboot. That had been an hour ago. Too far from the Storm Sewer Compound to retrieve Ron, and not knowing where Trollaxor might be, Linus began muttering an ancient prayer in Swahili in supplication to his gods Orion Pax and Alpha Trion. He would pray until his fearless master returned. He pulled Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket a little tighter around him.

---

Robot Ron stood looking around outside of the Storm Sewer Compound, Gigant0r's soiled, limp, naked form slung over his hefty robotic shoulder. His AI routines told him to wait for his master and creator, Trollaxor, to either return or to send instructions. But today Robot Ron didn't feel like waiting for either of those things to happen. Robot Ron leered at the smelly ass next to his face and swung Gigant0r's limp body around, hitting the British forest sprite's head on the cement walls of the compound, in a simple attempt to wake the boy.

"Ow, you fucker! What in Hell is..." began Gigant0r, in an especially annoyed British accent. "Hh, good lord! What the fuck is this?" he continued, as he saw the back end of some automaton near his pale British face, and felt wall after wall greet the bottom of his head. Had he not been passed out before, he would have passed out now. "Put me down, god damn it, or I swear I'll trash talk you!" let out Gigant0r to his metallic catptor. Thankfully fot Gigant0r, the thrashing stopped.

Roughly flipping him and setting him down in front of him, Robot Ron now stood facing Gigant0r. "Are you hurt?" asked Ron, his robotic eyebrows articulating an expression of concern.

"Yes, you daft fucking git! My head is throbbing! What the fuck are you!? And where the fuck is Kirk Cameron!?" replied Gigant0r with more than a fair share of pluck in his tiny squeaking voice.

Robot Ron stepped toward Gigant0r, placing a cold, firm metallic claw on Gigant0r's shoulder, which Gigant0r took to be a comforting gesture.

A second later Gigant0r was vomiting profusely, as Robot Ron's bionic punch, which carried a force of 2000 metric tonnes, impacted with Gigant0r's soft, fleshy belly and abdomen. "I don't want to get in trouble," Robot Ron said coldly, as he punched the doubled-over Gigant0r in the kidneys from above. Now blood poured from Gigant0r's mouth, mixing with his vomit, which made the floor slick underneath him. He lost his balance as Robot Ron slapped both of Gigant0r's ears simultaneously, bursting his eardrums, and slipped in his pile of vomitus, crying like a baby girl.

Suddenly Ron stood upright again, a blank stare coming over him. Muttering something about kernel modules and soft realtime failures, he grabbed his head in his hands and screamed, a metallic, echoing sound to chill the bones of man, finally quieting and sitting in Gigant0r's pile of blood and vomit, in which also Gigant0r lay, cold and still and unmoving.

Chapter 9

Signal 11 brought his company of Moderators and their captive Alan Cox, naked and petrified, to a halt at the Northern lip of the Valley where the Source Forge, ESR's house of Diesel and melancholy, lay. The sounds of Negative Modifier beams echoed thruout the valley, disrupting an otherwise calm dawn.

"Double time! We must fortify the Forge!" bellowed Signal 11 in his diabolic Etruscan dialect. The Moderators under his command mindlessly obeyed him, running at full hilt, their bounty of Alan Cox, naked and petrified, bouncing overhead as they carried him.

Studying the rooftop of the Source Forge, where ESR's Hessian guard were stationed, Signal 11 searched for the Forge's target of attack. To his surprise the Hessian guards were shooting up all along the perimeter of the roof. Something aireborne.

And then Signal 11 saw what the Hessians intended to land. "God damn him!" He said thru clenched teeth. "By RMS's beard, God damn him!" Turning to his Moderators, again shouting in the barbaric Etruscan tongue, Signal 11 announced, "Faster! Faster! There is no time to lose! Trollaxor is in our midst!"

---

Trollaxor had been dodging Negative Modifier beams for the better part of an hour now, and was exhausted. Doing some swift mathematical calculations in his head (math was another of Trollaxor's strong points), Trollaxor estimated there to be only another few minutes before the Hessians and Moderators used the last of their Moderator Points, the energy source that fueled their Negative Modifier beams. Being so far from Slashdot itself, the guard in ESR's Source Forge had, luckily for Trollaxor, a limited supply of Points to use.

Then Trollaxor saw a band of Moderators, their leader, and Alan Cox, naked and petrified, cross over the Source Forge's diesel moat and into the stronghold. "ALLAN!" Trollaxor screamed, nearly getting hit by a Negative Modifier beam. Trollaxor ascended higher, still surounded by deadly -1 Modifier beams, into the thin air and Forge Source-smogged of the atmosphere, in a last, desparate attempt to save himself and poor Alan, naked and petrified.

---

Signal 11 saw the last of his Moderator troop across the drawbridge into the Source Forge, making sure Cox's naked, petrified body accompanied them. Then his sights turned to the sky again, scanning for the now-ascended Trollaxor. Signal 11 fingered his weapon, ripping his green cloak off and throwing it to the ground.

"Satisfaction, Trollaxor!" Signal 11 shouted, "I'll have your head to bring back to the Commander!" Withdrawing his whomper, a tight 18" long and dark green in color, with white rubber gripping, Signal 11 took to the sky, his automagical Slashdot armour a guarantee that he wouldn't be affected by the Negative Modifier beams still ripping the skies above the Source Forge.

"SATISFACTION!"

Chapter 10

Trollaxor dialed his celphone so quickly his fingers were ablur. His head was already feeling light, and vertigo was setting in. At the height he was hovering at, Trollaxor's brain was oxygen-starved and failing fast. Luckily he had just the thing to buy him an extra thirty seconds of time.

As one hand held the special QNX-on-PowerPC backlit LCD celphone to his ear, the other fished in the back of his pants pockets for the one thing that would allow him to breathe at such heights long enough to comeplete his call. And finally his hand grasped at the stiff prize in his pants: Trollaxor pulled the small, cold, metal Whippit from his pocket.

Biting into the thin tip of the Whippit with his left vampire canine tooth, Trollaxor pierced the trinket and quickly inhaled the gaseous ecstacy. Immediately a feeling of bliss and knowledge came over him; he was god and the universe existed within him. Also he had less than 20 seconds to complete his call. Trollaxor realized this too.

Quickly, and without error, Trollaxor coded Robot Ron's next set of instructions. His custom-built QNX-on-PowerPC celphone allowed him to log directly in to Robot Ron's "brain". Within seconds, he transmitted this code to Robot Ron for processing:

10 if SSC_Occupants !=0; 20 then terminate (SSC_Occupants); 25 else goto 30; 30 return (Trollaxor); 100 end;

As he hit the transmit button, Trollaxor remembered the days of creating his own programming language, Troll++, and those who had ridiculed him. Now Robot Ron's entire AI was written in the language, which was a homerolled combination of Commodore BASIC V2 (the fixed ROM version, from '86) and Objective-C, and though Robot Ron's AI was severely corrupted, Trollaxor was confident that the blame lay in RMS's GCC.

Now Trollaxor swooned as the Whippit's effect wore off. He had to descend into thicker air. And so he did. And as he did, he was joined. A green-armoured figure matched him meter for meter in descent through the warm, thin air above ESR's Source Forge.

Trollaxor's expression could not have looked more sour as he floated face to face with his hated enemy.

Signal 11.

Chapter 11

Faster than a dirty GNU hippy to an acoustic guitar at a bonfire, Trollaxor pulled his own whomper from his side, black and shining in the light. Signal 11 stared hard at Trollaxor as the battle was joined. "Prepare to drink oblivion! You'll either be dead or naked and petrified by the time the sun sets tonight!" yelled Signal 11 thru the wind. "You're at the disadvantage here, Trollaxor! I will finally have my satisfaction!"

Not wasting a second, Trollaxor descended and looped up behind Signal 11, hitting Signal 11's helm full-force with a sharp, loud clang, just as Signal 11 turned to intercept Trollaxor's attack. Trollaxor then ascended above Signal 11 and kicked him in the back of his helm, and brought his whomper down heavily on Signal 11's helm for a third blow. Sweating hard from his initial burst of effort, Trollaxor flew backwards, nearer the stream of deadly Negative Modifier beams being shot by ESR's Hessian guard, and studied his opponent for a split-second.

Signal 11 wheeled and flew straight for Trollaxor, even as his bent, dented helm obscured the view of one of his eyes and scratched into his scalp, causing rivulets of blood to pour down his face. As he met Trollaxor's taut, muscular form in a bearhug, Signal 11 gave Trollaxor several gauntled palms to his face, causing Trollaxor's blood to gush wildly down over his rough yet good looking visage. Disoriented, Signal 11's inertia pushed Trollaxor, dizzy, to the perimeter of their battle, near the deadly Negative Modifier beams.

Trollaxor resisted Signal 11's thrusts and pushed back with his own as he inched closer and closer to the -1 beams, merely feet away now.

---

Robot Ron flew South with a speed that stripped the leaves from the tops of the trees he flew over. Gigant0r's limp, lifeless, naked form flapped in the wind over Robot Ron's shoulder. Robot Ron flew faster still, following the instructions Trollaxor, his creator, had transmitted to him just moments ago via Trollaxor's QNX-on-PowerPC celphone.

A sonic boom could be heard for miles as Robot Ron broke Mach 1 like a high school jock breaking thru a freshman girl's hymen. Ice formed on Gigant0r's British body now as the wind whipped over it furiously. Robot Ron was already approaching Mach 2 when ESR's dread SourceForge came into view, along with Trollaxor's and Signal 11's airborn forms and the Hessian guard below.

---

Linus had been in a trance now for quite a while. Panting more than breathing now, he stuttered in an ancient dialect of Vedic Sanskrit, imploring his gods, Orion Pax and Alpha Trion, to come to his and his friend's aid. Pulling Trollaxor's black leather biking jacket around him tighter, Linus now spat in Avestan, beseeching Orion Pax and Alpha Trion to give him guidance in his darkest hour.

With a start, Linus stopped his wild muttering, and he held his breath in a quiet rythym. He looked around as if he thought the woods were full of ghosts. He had just heard what sounded like a sonic boom above him, and several leaves fell from high in the forest, a few landing in his tussled Finnish hair. Had his prayers been answered? Linus felt that the eardrum-popping sound he'd heard was a sign. Orion Pax and Alpha Trion had answered Linus's devout, pious prayers.

Linus stood now, a look of fierce determination on his face, Finnish sweat soaking his furrowed brow. Once again tightening Trollaxor's black leather biking jack around him, he resolutely began marching South, where he now knew his fearless master lay in wait for him.

Nothing would stand in Linus's way. Not even ESR's dastardly forces or the Moderators phased him now; Linus had his gods to guide him, and in the hands of Providence, he would be delivered in safety to where could serve in his divine mission.

---

As Trollaxor neared the Negative Modifier beams closer still under Signal 11's strength, the world spun around him in a dizzying circle, and he tasted barf in the back of his throat. Signal 11 smiled wickedly as he saw Trollaxor begin to black out.

But just as Signal 11 began a final effort to shove Trollaxor into the field of -1 beams, he turned his head in response to something he'd heard: a metallic, chilling roar that echoed above the sounds of the firing Hessian guard below. And right behind the mechanical shout came Robot Ron, straight thru the field of -1 beams, with some humanoid form hoisted above his head with both robotic arms. Trollaxor's breath came weakly now as Signal 11's force lessened slightly as Signal 11 was taken aback by the strange form approaching him rapidly.

With a final, redoubled effort, Signal 11 threw Trollaxor's weakened body off into the field of -1 beams and turned to meet his new automatonic challenge. Once again unsheathing his whomper, Signal 11 licked his lips and tasted salt, and smiled, ready to meet all challengers with his white-hot battle rage.

Chapter 12

Flying at Robot Ron with astonishing speed, Signal 11 raised his whomper with a devilish grin on his face. In reponse, Robot Ron swung his hips forward, and landed a heavy metallic foot in Signal 11's gut, severely denting his green Slashdot armour and knocking his helm off completely, revealing his moptop haircut and overly-average looking face. "UGH," Signal 11 screamed, as he felt at least two vital internal organs rupture.

Robot Ron then ascended a few feet and once again heaved the now rigored carcass of Gigant0r above his head. "I don't want to get in trouble," he said, and he threw the pale, British cadaver at Signal 11.

As Gigant0r's corpse flew threw the air, dried blood and what appeared to be brains whipped off of his icen form. Its impact with Signal 11 created a loud squishing sound, accompanied by brittle cracks and pops, and Signal 11 succumbed to the blow. Now vomiting profusely, out of the sick gore that was wrapped around him and the damage to his internal viscera, Signal 11 began to fall fast directly above the Diesel moat that surrounded ESR's villanous SourceForge.

Robot Ron, now unencumbered by battle or Gigant0r's frozen form, scanned the sky for Trollaxor.

---

Trollaxor writhed in pain as -1 Beams slashed and cut at his body. He could feel his karma dropping and nausea overtook him. After being thrown into the Moderation Beams by Signal 11 moments before, Trollaxor moaned and yelled in extreme pain. No longer coherent to the outside world, Trollaxor began falling fast in his oblivious state. Straight to the roof of the insidious SourceForge.

With a loud crash, his body hit the granite floor of the Forge's roof, the sound of it audible thru silence, as the Moderators and Hessian Guard had stopped firing their -1 Beams.

Barely conscious, Trollaxor groaned and wiped vomit from his mouth as the Guard and Moderators surrounded him. Attempting to look up, his vision blurred, Trollaxor saw hard faces and heard yelling in German. A few of the Guard came closer to Trollaxor, their -1 guns still pointed at him, and began to help him up. "Wha--" Trollaxor whispered, wondering what in fuck's sake was happening to him.

With a sharp blow to the back of his head, Trollaxor moaned once more and was silent.

Chapter 13

It was dark.

No light could be seen. Not even after looking around in the dark, with his eyes adjusted to it, could Trollaxor see anything. But he could tell he was bound to a table. And it was cold.

Trollaxor shivered and wished for his black leather biking jacket. Coughing in pain, he heard echoes far around and above him. Obviously he was in some kind of chamber or dungeon. "A pit deeper and blacker than ESR's heart," thought Trollaxor, as his mind returned to him out of his groggy haze.

---

After his ill-fated battle with Signal 11 above ESR's dastardly SourceForge, Trollaxor had fallen to the roof the Forge where he blacked out and was taken by ESR's Hessian guard and Moderator patrol.

The fall to the roof and the Moderation Beams had taken its toll on Trollaxor: his head and ribs ached, and was pretty sure his clothes had been all but torn away in the battle. He coughed again, its echo penetrating the gloom, his body wracked in pain. Slowly he tried to sit up, clenching his perfectly straight, white teeth against his nervous system's complaints. In doing so he Trollaxor discovered his hands, waist, and legs had been bound to the table beneath him. And as he sat up, lights, far above him in the chanber's ceiling, turned on.

As his eyes adjusted to the light, Trollaxor craned his sore neck to study his surroundings. After a few seconds, he realized where he was. Then things became a little clearer for him.

---

The Hessian Guard heaved one last time, and with a loud series of clanks, Signal 11's armoured form was finally dragged out of the diesel moat surrounding ESR's SourceForge.

The Guard looked at each other, and at Signal 11, who had been burnt beyond recognition.

After Signal 11 has dispatched Trollaxor to the Guard's deadly Moderation beams, Robot Ron, Trollaxor's automatonic ally, had thrown Signal 11 into the diesel moat, which he then set fire to. Now Signal 11 lay silently, smelling like burnt dogshit on an old man's front porch, apparently dead.

Suddenly, in Etruscan, the demonic tongue of the Slashdot empire, a voice spake. "Bring his cadaver to the dungeon. Lay him next to our two prisoners in the medical unit!" The Hessian Guard complied quickly as the hooded character that has commanded them watched on. ESR spoke again, this time with an insane bent to his voice. "Prepare Trollaxor for the surgery as well. I want this operation to go perfectly!"

---

Trollaxor gasped in shock as he viewed the figure on the operating table next to him. "Alan!" he shouted in disdain. Alan Cox's naked and petrified form lay still, its carven visage a blast to Trollaxor's mind. "They've killed him, the bastards!" thought Trollaxor, as he gazed on Alan's stoney form.

Having known Alan for only a few months, Trollaxor had the rare opposrtunity to see a man reborn. Alan had been one of the most powerful of the Black Advocates, and the rankest of DGHs (Dirty GNU Hippies), but had sacrificed all of his stake in the Slashdot Empire to fight alongside the trolls. Alan's sentiment toward free speech and free beer had touched Trollaxor's heart.

Now he lay dead so soon after his conversion, an ally to trolls, an enemy of censorship and everything the GPL stood for.

Trollaxor wept silently in the cold darkness of the SourceForge's lower levels.

Epilogue

Trollaxor stopped in his tracks, a sudden thud of mental confusion hitting him like a brick wall. As he looked to his side, the darkness concealing his face, his mind raced. He hadn't remembred beginning any walk, let alone being where he was now. In fact, where was he now? He looked at his hands, remembering the weeks straight he'd spent reading the alt.dreams.lucid FAQ he'd discovered on Usenet. Was he dreaming?

With a small grunt of annoyance, he realized he was awake. Just to be sure, he reached into the inner pocket of his black leather biking jacket and retrieved the single folded page he'd torn out of the last novel he read, Big Tit Anal Gangbang IV: Rectal Revenge, and attempted to read a passage.

After suppressing his engorged member, he accepted that he was in the waking world. So now his mind turned to figuring out where in the Hell he was. Surveying his surroundings, it was obvious that he was in some sort of underground sewer system, the tunnel being just tall enough to accomodate him. Still, he was left puzzled. The last thing he remembered was Alan Cox's naked and petrified form on the surgical table next to his own, deep in the bowels of ESR's insidious SourceForge.

Paniced, he grabbed at his black leather biking jacket. He'd been naked and chained in ESR's SourceForge, and not clothed at all. In fact, he'd left his black leather biking jacket with his timid ally, Linus. How did he have it now? How long had it been since he'd fought Signal 11? Or since he'd summoned Robot Ron to his aid? He remembered the cutting Moderation beams. The fall to the roof of the SourceForge. The smell of Signal 11's sweat and his own as it mingled in the midst of the throes of battle. Had that been dream?

Suddenly, in the darkness, he saw movement. More accurately, he saw a flash of light. Followed by a scuffling sound. Who-- or what-- was here with him?

Trollaxor flew thru the tunnel, barely able to see more than 20 feet ahead at a time, after. Something that had attacked him and ran-- flew? Whatever it was, he was gaining on it. He could almost smell it now, a fragrance of musk and sweat and leather. Just a few more seconds and he'd be within tackling distance. He saw his assailant's ass and gave one final spurt of speed, and dove after it.

After flailing around and climbing atop his struggling opponent, Trollaxor looked down, in the poor light, and saw...

Himself.

wTF? Someone WROTE this? It's 12 chapters fgs! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720402)

I just don't believe the shameless timewaste.

Ya man get some FUCKING PRIORITIES!!! DAMN! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720429)

The biggest black out in US history just happened 2 days ago and you people are sitting around talking about "game console wars"?

GET SOME PRIORITIES PEOPLE!!

(this troll brought to you by the grassroots organization OFGSPABBGTSPT: Organization For Getting Some Priorities And Bringing Back The Get Some Priorities Troll)

YOU FAIL IT ! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720509)

It's OFGSPABBTGSPT, not OFGSPABBGTSPT, n00b !

Re:The Troll War (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720451)

this is just another evil attempt by Micro$oft to monopolize the industry.

Woah (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720348)

Check out Microsoft's boobs [pointlesswasteoftime.com] ! I had always heard Bill Gates was a giant boob, but I didn't believe it until now.

It's not offtopic! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720364)

It's straight from the article linked to in this story!

Don't Forget.... (-1)

SCO$699FeeTroll (695565) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720349)

...to pay your $699 licensing fee you cock-smoking teabaggers. Don't forget this either: the only natural enemy of the hole is the pile (and Taco's cock, that is when the hole is a man's ass.)

Ah, Slashdot. (-1, Offtopic)

Vanieter (613996) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720353)

Written by trolls, for trolls ? Just RTFA [=

Server is slowing - here's the text... (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720354)

You. You out there, who snickered at me and my other almost-30 friends who just spent four consecutive hours discussing video games, nearly coming to blows and shedding the occasional tear. You need to understand us, because video gamers are the future. Gaming is now a 23.2 Zillion dollar industry in the United States alone; it is the next big thing, ready to change the culture in ways everyone but the Japanese will consider bad.

Us game fans believe in our games and we rush to defend our favorite console in the way that we could never defend, say, our country or our women. Visit a video game message board and you'll find verbal warfare, Nintendo owners vs. X-Box owners vs. Playstation 2 owners. Accusations of sexual deviance are their bombs, typographical errors their bullets. You likely do not feel the need to man the ramparts for your favorite play or novel or film, but those works of art don't belong to you; they belong wholly to the writer. You're just a spectator. With a video game, I control the main character, I become the author of the adventure.

If I don't direct Mario to jump on the walking oversized dildo, it will roam on to sodomize again. I'm there, in the room, when Zelda's adventurer Link slays evil overlord Gannon, or when Madden's Defensive End Jerome Lincoln sacks evil QB Rich Gannon. When the Dead or Alive girls are playing bikini volleyball, I'm there, on the beach, pleasuring myself behind a tree.

Sad? Maybe.

When historians 500 years from now look back on the Great Video Game Console Wars of the early 21st Century, who will they say came out the victor?

Nintendo

Almost certainly it will be the Nintendo Gamepube, considering that by the year 2503 the definition of the word "victor" has changed drastically thanks to the actions of incompetent Canadian Empire General Leonard Victor in World War 6. In the 2205 Battle of Fatrock Mountain, Victor's nine armored divisions will be defeated by a lone space marine armed only with a pistol and a case of combat stimpacks.

And so it went with the Gamecube. One does not plan to fail, but rather fails to plan, and just as General Victor botched his battle planning with poor placement of his spawning points and a foolishly littering of his battlefield with Space Marine weapon upgrades, so Nintendo is now paying for its early decisions with a full production halt on its little machine.

What Went Wrong:

No form of entertainment, no matter how enjoyable, will succeed if the average modern male is embarrassed to be caught doing it by his peers. For example, Pixar's CGI cartoons succeed massively with non-child audiences for a very important reason: they took out the musical song-and-dance numbers that threatened the sexuality of previous feature-length cartoon viewers.

A 20 year-old male will watch a story about a cartoon fish if it's funny and he has his girlfriend with him as a gaydar shield. He will not be caught dead watching a cartoon fish if he and his cartoon friends frequently and spontaneously break into song about how wonderful life is under the sea, even if said male works as an oceanographer and agrees wholeheartedly with the assertions contained therein. It has nothing to do with the quality of entertainment; it has everything to do with how foolish one feels doing it.

It's a very simple equation; if it makes us look gay or like our sexual maturity was stunted at age 10, we won't do it. Flopping around on a swingset may still be a lot of fun at my age, but I'll never know. A purse is a handy thing to have, I'm sure, but for me that will always be a hypothetical.

A little, toyish purple game console with a lunch pail handle on back, with cartoonish games about a cartoon Peter Pan-esque Link who saves a cartoon princess and a cartoon plumber who collects little bits of smiley-face sunshine to save the sad, sad smiley-face sunshineless town, might be a lot of fun. Only those of us who are very secure in our manhood will ever know.

Why Nintendo doesn't get this is a mystery, especially from the Japanese who invented cartoon tentacle porn as a way to let males revel in the entertainment value of violent rape without the horrible possibility of getting caught glimpsing a penis. Nintendo knew that to be number one they would have to expand to an audience who didn't still find girls "icky." But instead of selling me a hard-core piece of serious entertainment equipment to go with my bitchin' stereo/DVD setup, and bloody action games I can set on the shelf alongside my supercool-even-if-still-unwrapped library of Hong Kong-era John Woo films, they sold me a child's toy where every game package looks like it belongs in the pocket of some footy Pokemon pajamas.

The truth is, I still feel the need to stay closeted about my GameCube ownership, even after I rigged my console with a pair of huge rubber truck balls, because I know it will still raise eyebrows when my parents drop in for a surprise visit and find me using the machine to manipulate a flower-shitting Hello Kitty around the screen.

What's Next:

Nintendo surprised everyone, especially those of us who bought a Gamecube just that day, with the announcement that their next machine will be out in 2005. This means death for the little purple cube as developers must now begin the process of making GameCube 2 games to meet that machine's projected 2005 failure date.

The Verdict:

There's this odd thing with the video game world; once a game maker falls out of first place they never, ever, ever rise to first again.

Atari and Sega both kept cranking out consoles after their dominant machines ran their respective courses. The Atary 5200, Atari 7800, Atari Jaguar, Sega Saturn and Sega Dreamcast sold a combined 14 machines worldwide. It's the same reason why the losing Presidential candidate and second-place Superbowl team becomes late-night joke fodder; this culture hates losers. And for a video game, losing the "cool wars" inside gamers' heads and chat rooms is a death knell. Nintendo should consider a name change for the next console.

My suggestion: The KillSim TitBox.

another article mod troll (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720386)

Original:Accusations of sexual deviance are their bombs, typographical errors their bullets.

This Post: Accusations of sexual deviance, which normally plague the typical dirty slashdot hippie, are their bombs, typographical errors their bullets.

Interesting Toll on troll here. Re:another article (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720424)

It is a troll, but not for the reason suggested above - the ac who is reporting this is reporting a change that did not take place, while leaving the real change un-highlighted. A subtle variation on this popular troll.
Well done.

Who cares really... (5, Insightful)

desenz (687520) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720356)

Basically, it depends what kind of games you like to play. Although, those lines are getting a bit blurry too.
Personally, I am a gamecube person. I have always been a fan of nintendos first-party games, and they are the only non-PC games I usually find an urge to play.
Yes, I enjoyed Celda.

Re:Who cares really... (5, Funny)

RTPMatt (468649) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720376)

its all about the XGameStation [xgamestation.com] !! I cant wait till this thing comes out, give the market a good kick in the anti DMCA direction! It dosent matter how good the system is, as long as its being pushed to its limits!

Re:Who cares really... (4, Funny)

desenz (687520) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720387)

You know, I was sort of considering one of those for my little brother. After all, Must turn him into a geek somehow.

Re:Who cares really... (1, Funny)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720388)

You can tell how much they [xgamestation.com] 're against copyrights by how they steal Gamespot [gamespot.com] 's layout without batting an eyelash.

Re:Who cares really... (5, Informative)

Osty (16825) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720539)

Yes, I enjoyed Celda.

I enjoyed Celda as well. Unfortunately, it's pretty much the only Gamecube game I've truly enjoyed so far (enough so that I played it entirely through). I admit that I only have a small library of Gamecube games, but that library does include Mario Sunshine and Metroid Prime, both of which were extremely disappointing to me. In fact, Metroid was extremely disappointing, considering that it was the reason I bought my Cube. Luckily, Celda made up for Metroid and made me not totally regret the purchase.


Right now, I've been playing Mario Golf, and it's enjoyable, but it's certainly not going to hold my attention for more than another week or two (just up until Soul Calibur II hits the XBox, at which point Mario Golf will go back on the shelf with Mario Sunshine and Metroid Prime, to eventually be sold or traded away).


For completeness, my Cube library consists of:

  • Mario Sunshine (came with the Cube)
  • Metroid Prime (disappointing)
  • Wind Waker (and the Zelda: OOT remake)
  • Rogue Squadron II (I was pretty disappointed with this one, so much so that I don't care that RS3 is coming soon)
  • Skies of Arcadia. I liked this one, but Knights of the Old Republic made me put it off to the side, and I don't see me picking it back up any time soon. Also, this was almost a straight port from the Dreamcast, so I'm not sure I'd really consider it a win for the Gamecube
  • Mario Golf. After Celda, this would be my best Cube game. It's fun to play through a round or two of golf, and I guess that's a plus because I can sit down and play for fifteen minutes or half an hour and then put it away. However, I don't anticipate it holding my attention long.

Any suggestions on what would be some good Cube games to pick up? I don't have time to really play something like Animal Crossing (plus, I played the old Harvest Moon on the SNES, which seems to be similar in style to AC, and wasn't that enthralled), and I generally don't have enough friends over at my place to make something like Smash Brothers: Melee worth a purchase (and when I do have enough people over, we generally will play Halo on two XBoxs and TVs). And no cross-platform games, please. I'd rather play those on my XBox, though if there's a good game that's only on the Cube and PS2, I may consider picking it up for the Cube (no PS2, and no interest in a PS2).

Holy crap, (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720360)

could the author be any more of a eunich?

that's eunuch (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720375)

you fucking spoon

Hmmmmmm (-1, Troll)

Snoopy77 (229731) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720361)

Sony looks alright but Microsft needs to sue whoever did that boob job. And what's with Microsoft going the grope? I'm not even going to mention what's up with Microsoft's swimsuit.

Poorly Written Article (-1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720362)

This is one of the most poorly written articles I've ever been exposed to. I don't what the author thinks or says because the way he/she/it says it so scatterbrained and immature.

Who wrote that piece of rubbish? A 12 year old?

Re:Poorly Written Article (0)

Kytakh (512678) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720515)

your kidding right?

i thought it damn funny!

u must own a gamecube right and didnt think to add the balls?

The article. (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720370)

You. You out there, who snickered at me and my other almost-30 friends who just spent four consecutive hours discussing video games, nearly coming to blows and shedding the occasional tear. You need to understand us, because video gamers are the future. Gaming is now a 23.2 Zillion dollar industry in the United States alone; it is the next big thing, ready to change the culture in ways everyone but the Japanese will consider bad.

Us game fans believe in our games and we rush to defend our favorite console in the way that we could never defend, say, our country or our women. Visit a video game message board and you'll find verbal warfare, Nintendo owners vs. X-Box owners vs. Playstation 2 owners. Accusations of sexual deviance are their bombs, typographical errors their bullets. You likely do not feel the need to man the ramparts for your favorite play or novel or film, but those works of art don't belong to you; they belong wholly to the writer. You're just a spectator. With a video game, I control the main character, I become the author of the adventure.

If I don't direct Mario to jump on the walking mushroom, the mushroom will roam on to kill again. I'm there, in the room, when Zelda's adventurer Link slays evil overlord Gannon, or when Madden's Defensive End Jerome Lincoln sacks evil QB Rich Gannon. When the Dead or Alive girls are playing bikini volleyball, I'm there, on the beach, pleasuring myself behind a tree.

Sad? Maybe.

When historians 500 years from now look back on the Great Video Game Console Wars of the early 21st Century, who will they say came out the victor?

Nintendo

Almost certainly it will be the Nintendo Gamecube, considering that by the year 2503 the definition of the word "victor" has changed drastically thanks to the actions of incompetent Canadian Empire General Leonard Victor in World War 6. In the 2205 Battle of Fatrock Mountain, Victor's nine armored divisions will be defeated by a lone space marine armed only with a pistol and a case of combat stimpacks.

And so it went with the Gamecube. One does not plan to fail, but rather fails to plan, and just as General Victor botched his battle planning with poor placement of his spawning points and a foolishly littering of his battlefield with Space Marine weapon upgrades, so Nintendo is now paying for its early decisions with a full production halt on its little machine.

What Went Wrong:

No form of entertainment, no matter how enjoyable, will succeed if the average modern male is embarrassed to be caught doing it by his peers. For example, Pixar's CGI cartoons succeed massively with non-child audiences for a very important reason: they took out the musical song-and-dance numbers that threatened the sexuality of previous feature-length cartoon viewers.

A 20 year-old male will watch a story about a cartoon fish if it's funny and he has his girlfriend with him as a gaydar shield. He will not be caught dead watching a cartoon fish if he and his cartoon friends frequently and spontaneously break into song about how wonderful life is under the sea, even if said male works as an oceanographer and agrees wholeheartedly with the assertions contained therein. It has nothing to do with the quality of entertainment; it has everything to do with how foolish one feels doing it.

It's a very simple equation; if it makes us look gay or like our sexual maturity was stunted at age 10, we won't do it. Flopping around on a swingset may still be a lot of fun at my age, but I'll never know. A purse is a handy thing to have, I'm sure, but for me that will always be a hypothetical.

A little, toyish purple game console with a lunch pail handle on back, with cartoonish games about a cartoon Peter Pan-esque Link who saves a cartoon princess and a cartoon plumber who collects little bits of smiley-face sunshine to save the sad, sad smiley-face sunshineless town, might be a lot of fun. Only those of us who are very secure in our manhood will ever know.

Why Nintendo doesn't get this is a mystery, especially from the Japanese who invented cartoon tentacle porn as a way to let males revel in the entertainment value of violent rape without the horrible possibility of getting caught glimpsing a penis. Nintendo knew that to be number one they would have to expand to an audience who didn't still find girls "icky." But instead of selling me a hard-core piece of serious entertainment equipment to go with my bitchin' stereo/DVD setup, and bloody action games I can set on the shelf alongside my supercool-even-if-still-unwrapped library of Hong Kong-era John Woo films, they sold me a child's toy where every game package looks like it belongs in the pocket of some footy Pokemon pajamas.

The truth is, I still feel the need to stay closeted about my GameCube ownership, even after I rigged my console with a pair of huge rubber truck balls, because I know it will still raise eyebrows when my parents drop in for a surprise visit and find me using the machine to manipulate a flower-shitting Hello Kitty around the screen.

What's Next:

Nintendo surprised everyone, especially those of us who bought a Gamecube just that day, with the announcement that their next machine will be out in 2005. This means death for the little purple cube as developers must now begin the process of making GameCube 2 games to meet that machine's projected 2005 failure date.

The Verdict:

There's this odd thing with the video game world; once a game maker falls out of first place they never, ever, ever rise to first again.

Atari and Sega both kept cranking out consoles after their dominant machines ran their respective courses. The Atary 5200, Atari 7800, Atari Jaguar, Sega Saturn and Sega Dreamcast sold a combined 14 machines worldwide. It's the same reason why the losing Presidential candidate and second-place Superbowl team becomes late-night joke fodder; this culture hates losers. And for a video game, losing the "cool wars" inside gamers' heads and chat rooms is a death knell. Nintendo should consider a name change for the next console.

My suggestion: The KillSim TitBox.

PART 2: Microsoft >>
MICROSOFT

Of course, Nintendo would run into legal difficulties because Microsoft has already trademarked that name for their next console. The software giant and newest contestant in the Console Wars went the opposite direction from day one, debuting their system with Halo's futuristic death orgy and Dead or Alive's entertaining depiction of voluptuous women erotically punching each other in the breasts.

Thus, where Nintendo seems to be losing momentum, Microsoft is gaining. Starcraft: Ghost, a game about a popular female character from the outrageously successful PC game who must perform a series of dangerous missions while avoiding being punched in the breasts, is now an X-Box exclusive. Microsoft paid big for Rare with hopes of finding success with its Perfect Dark franchise, a game about secret agent Joanna Dark and her hazardous quests to avoid all manner of mammary assault.

What Went Right:

The Washington-based company was already leading the world in production of operating systems, office software and pure evil. They know their market, and made their console the biggest and blackest and thickest of the lot, the beast all angles and sharp edges and thrumming with the pulse of its internal fusion reactor. Microsoft was also fully aware of theories that hand size is an indicator of penis length, and thus made us proud to walk out of the software shop with one of their gigantic controllers.

There is a feel of inevitable victory with the X-Box line, despite the fact that this version is still 40 million units behind the Playstation 2 in sales and that Microsoft could have made more money off the expensive machine if it had wrapped them in hundred-dollar bills and fired them out of a cannon at passing pedestrians. But of course, that's the point. One gets the feeling that Bill Gates is willing to spend $500 per unit on the X-Box 2 and mail them out for free like AOL trial disks if that's what it takes to win.

What it will also take is a domination of online play, and already Microsoft has lined up a series of team-based titles (Olympic Boobpunch 2004, World War II Online: Normandy Titslap) and hackers are already hard at work on a series of network worms meant to destroy them.

The Verdict:

Within three years, it will likely be a violation of federal law to not own an X-Box. Microsoft simply always wins. Then again, there is one gaming giant standing in their way:

PART 3: Sony >>
SONY

As experts have said elsewhere, Sony has dominated this century with its Playstation line by being the first company to cater to the mass murderer inside all of us. The Grand Theft Auto line saved the PS2 from a disappointing start, as did the decision to include DVD playback in a machine that is otherwise a Playstation 1 painted black.

The fact that Sony has sold now over 100 million in a line of machines that are so technologically inferior raises some questions about the details of the company's 1993 pact with Lucifer. Meanwhile, Sony is working on something called a Cell Processor for its PS3, and has apparently spent over half a billion dollars developing and manufacturing the complete bullshit to promote it. Quote:

"...a chip of unprecedented computing power, one that would make it as much as 1,000 times more powerful than the PlayStation 2."

"Buoyed by so much processing power...Instead of using a mouse or game controller, players might wave their hands in front of a Web cam, showing what they want to do through gestures."

"They could tap into vast networks of movies and music, or they could record shows on the PlayStation 3 hard drive, which, by 2005, might hold 12,800 hours of music or 2,000 hours of video."

"Might" being the key word throughout. Hell, it might do anything. The new X-Box might add six inches to your

>>error 959: nodule 4445.2.24.24 /apache/files/ssml./ penis reference frequency exceeded in directory please contact your system administrator 8=====>

and the new Nintendo might not stock its fighting games with sentient stuffed animals. At this point, who knows?

What Went Right:

Edgy games right when the audience wanted something edgy (PS1), realizing their launch games were inferior (PS2) and thus making the unprecedented decision to let gamers use their Playstation 2 to not play Playstation 2 games via DVD playback and PS1 backward compatibility. They were ahead of the pack on online gaming, and are about to blow the roof off. Imagine immersing yourself in the magical world of Final Fantasy XI, having the dark magic powers currently only available to Satan-possessed Sony Executives.

The Verdict:

No one had ever successfully followed up a best-selling console before Sony and its Playstation 2. If the PS3 follows up on its promise to transform cancerous tumors into pure gold and make shooting game bad guys who don't run around in circles whilst I kill their friends, then it has a chance. If, instead, we only wind up with a Doom IV that lets us fit four rendered enemies on screen at once instead of the standard three, all of them lacking even an earthworm's survival instinct, then there is trouble in Sonyville.

Meanwhile, black Microsoft vans with gun slits in the sides will be pulling up to the offices of Square and Sega and Rockstar Games, stating quite clearly that the dotted line on their MS exclusive development contracts will contain their signatures or their brain splatterings.

And there you have it.

The past belongs to Nintendo, the present to Sony, the future to Microsoft. And some very strong words await the man who disagrees.

-David Wong

Thoughtful? (5, Insightful)

acxr is wasted (653126) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720372)

I can enjoy the sort of tongue-in-cheek humor this article has, but I wish I could rate this as "-1, Redundant" for the front page. Honestly, it's pointless. This current generation of consoles has had their fates sealed for a year now. Anyone who would take the time to read the article would already be aware of everything presented. None of what is explained in this story qualifies as "news."

Re:Thoughtful? (2, Flamebait)

Buran (150348) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720380)

The story in the link disgusted me. I don't want to see graphical stuff like that without a warning. Someone go back and add a warning to the link, for godssakes.

Re:Thoughtful? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720433)

Do you need a warning before you look at your naked self in the mirror? Haven't you seen a set of balls before?

Re:Thoughtful? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720459)

What, the cartoon nudity with the goodie bits censored out somehow insults your REALLY represed sense of the world? I hope you never reproduce because you will likely never be mature enough to handle raising a child.

Re:Thoughtful? (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720516)

An edited version without the graphic illustrations can be found here [goatse.cx] .

Re:Thoughtful? (5, Funny)

tealover (187148) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720532)

Let me guess:

You own a GameCube.

:)

Re:Thoughtful? (3, Insightful)

Gherald (682277) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720390)

Well you gotta at least give the article a +1 funny:

Gamecube "non-sales" ?

PS2 = PS1 painted black ?

Within three years it will be a violation of federal law to not own an X-box ?

C'mon now, thats funny.

Re:Thoughtful? (4, Funny)

Bradee-oh! (459922) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720463)


Within three years it will be a violation of federal law to not own an X-box ?

C'mon now, thats funny.


Yeah, reality is funny... :(

Re:Thoughtful? (1)

nadadogg (652178) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720487)

That was a damn funny article, about 5 lines into it you can tell that it's not that serious. I read it, and got enough good chuckles, and a few jokes I can "borrow" to use over the next few days, so my friends will think I am "original" and "witty".

Re:Thoughtful? (5, Insightful)

Babbster (107076) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720525)

None of what is explained in this story qualifies as "news."

Amen. In fact, I stopped reading because the writer presented something that not only wasn't news, but wasn't even true:

"Starcraft: Ghost, a game about a popular female character from the outrageously successful PC game who must perform a series of dangerous missions while avoiding being punched in the breasts, is now an X-Box exclusive."

The rumor that Ghost will be Xbox exclusive has apparently been spread around so much that it's now being taken as a fact. The truth, of course, is that no such announcement has been made and Blizzard's official website still has the icons of all three consoles on the Starcraft: Ghost front page.

I was nearly stopped in my tracks by the beyond insipid "penis chart." There was no way I could continue after the paragraph quoted above.

Two words for the linked article: "Utter crap."

Three words for michael [mailto] : "Shame on you."

I don't really understand the idea of console wars (3, Insightful)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720373)

There really is no sense to this "console war" thing. PC vs. Mac is a viable religious debate, because Macs cost thousands upon thousands of dollars unless you want a low-end eMac. But with game consoles costing $129 and $149 (OMG TOO AMERICAN-CENTRIC) is it really a big deal anymore to own all three? You can buy all of them with one week's paycheck, if you make a good salary. If you play enough games on each to justify the initial cost of the console, it really shouldn't be a big deal.

Re:I don't really understand the idea of console w (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720466)

Kids play alot of games. Kids have Christmas (OMG TOO JESUS-CENTRIC) and a birthday.

Re:I don't really understand the idea of console w (4, Insightful)

lightspawn (155347) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720489)

But with game consoles costing $129 and $149 (OMG TOO AMERICAN-CENTRIC) is it really a big deal anymore to own all three? You can buy all of them with one week's paycheck, if you make a good salary.

The PS2 and xbox are normally priced at $179. And how many households make a good salary? Some don't have a salary at all, any more, and a second console certainly isn't a priority.

Also consider that some gamers are (gasp) underage, and as such have limited resources to spend on gaming. Let's say you're a kid with a PS2 and $240 burning a hole in your pocket. Would you prefer to buy an xbox, second controller, memory card and one (1) platinum hit game, or twelve (12) greatest hits games for the console you already own?

obligatory.... (-1, Troll)

BradlyLane (314200) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720374)

worst. article. ever.

X Box (0, Offtopic)

neiffer (698776) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720378)

My X-Box wins as it's running X-Box linux. :) And, the article *does* read like a 11-year-old wrote it thinking he was an "3lit3 dewd."

Re:X Box (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720412)

My X-Box wins as it's running X-Box linux. :) And, the article *does* read like a 11-year-old wrote it thinking he was an "3lit3 dewd."

And you're not thinking the same thing by running linux on a goddamned X-box?

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Re:X Box (1)

neiffer (698776) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720430)

Yeah, I'm real elite. Good one.

PC vs Console.. (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720381)

PC vs Console is a more interesting debate since PC's have such a large installed base now. If PC game makers had their shit together there would be no need for consoles.

Re:PC vs Console.. (5, Insightful)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720417)

The PC will never, ever take off in Joe Schmoe's eyes, and there's a good reason.

Take a look at the hardware requirements for Jedi Knight II:

Operating System: Windows 95 OSR2/98/ME/2000/XP

Computer: 100% DirectX-compatible computer required.

CPU: Pentium II or Athlon class 350 MHz or faster CPU required.

Memory: 64 MB required. 128 MB required for Windows 2000 and XP.

Graphics card: 16MB OpenGL-compatible PCI or AGP 3D Hardware Accelerator required.

Sound card: 16-bit DirectX 8.x-compatible sound card required.

CD-ROM: Quad-Speed IDE or SCSI CD-ROM drive required.

Input device: Keyboard or mouse required. Joystick supported.

DirectX: Microsoft DirectX 8.0a is included on this CD.

Installation: 665 MB of free hard drive space required. Additional free space required after game installation for Windows swap file and save games.

By comparison, here's the hardware requirements for Halo:

Xbox.

Re:PC vs Console.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720475)

While I agree with your point it should also be noted that the PC has a larger market share of game sales than all the consoles combined and that's without any mass market advertising like tv/billboards that you see for console games. So, I'd say there are plenty of Joe Schmoe's that are ok with a not very complicated long list of requirements.

It seems that your post relies on a stereotype of consoles being for idiots and kids and pc's for intelligent people which is certainally not the case.

Re:PC vs Console.. (2, Interesting)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720528)

I'd like to see a source for this market-share figure, because I'm not entirely buying it. My skepticism is attributed to the sales of games like Halo, Grand Theft Auto 3/Vice City and The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. Yes, I am aware that two of the three games mentioned do/will have PC ports.

And to address your second point, that's simply not the case: I'd hardly refer to someone without extensive computer experience as an "idiot." Many people I've spoken to have no idea what's in their computer. I work in technical support and have a good deal of experience speaking with these people. They don't know, and certainly don't care, what "DirectX" is. What's a "32 Emm Bee video card"? What the hell is AGP? These kind of things do realistically put people off somewhat. And though many modern computers are more gaming-oriented as costs of hardware is being driven down, and people are becoming more comfortable with this sort of thing, "casual" gamers are probably not going to play PC games. Besides, a PS2 costs a bit less than a new mid-end video card (retail, these people don't scope Pricewatch), and it takes no technical expertise to install; just hook it up to your television.

I will make one concession to you: The PC's chances in this market are getting better and better, as many of the young'uns become more experienced with computers and the terminology relating to them, as well as many computer-related skills. However, some people would argue that PCs are becoming more of a commodity product as many features are being transferred to other devices (cell phones that can check email and send instant messages, and the like). I prefer to centralize, everything's done on my PC, but others may differ greatly in their ways of getting things done. What do you think the desktop PC will look like in 10 years? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Re:PC vs Console.. (5, Funny)

porp (24384) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720485)

Oh yeah, here's the requirements for homemade lasagna, courtesy of Emeril Legasse:

2 cups fresh ricotta cheese
8 ounces grated Provolone cheese
8 ounces grated Mozzarella cheese
8 ounces grated Romano cheese
1 egg
1/4 cup milk
1 tablespoon chiffonade of fresh basil
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 recipe of Emeril's Meat Sauce, recipe follows
1/2 pound grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese
1 package of dried lasagna noodles

By comparison, here's the requirements for frozen lasagna

porp

Re:PC vs Console.. (2, Insightful)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720535)

And you know what? I bet 19 out of 20 people make the frozen lasagna instead.

Idi Amin Dada, dead at 80 (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720382)

I just heard some sad news on talk radio - Dictator/cannibal Idi Amin Dada was found dead in his Saudi Arabian home this morning at the age of 80. There weren't any more details. I'm sure everyone in the Slashdot community will miss him - even if you didn't enjoy his banquets, there's no denying his contributions to cannibal culture. Truly a Ugandan icon.

Why can't I mod down articles? (1)

mildness (579534) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720391)

Here is a thoughtful but crude summary

Define "thoughtful" please.

Bill

Re:Why can't I mod down articles? (0)

Vanieter (613996) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720435)

Oh yeah, that's because crude pretty much negated thoughtful ...

Not that there was much thoughtfulness to begin with.

I'd be interested in a Slashdot poll.. (4, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720393)

..about the current state of gaming. Something like,

I like to play games on:

My PS2
My XBox
My GameCube
My N64
My Computer
2+ of Above Choices
CowboyNeal's couch

Seriously, excluding the obCowboyNealReference, I'm really interested in a breakdown. I used to be terribly addicted to console games, starting with an Atari 2600, then moving to the NES and the SuperNES. Once I discovered computers, console gaming lost all its magic to me and although I've played on friends' PS, PS2, and even a 3DO, I never really got into consoles again.

Would be cool to see a survey of how many people still use console games nowadays, vs those who game only on their computer, vs those who don't care about games at all (except in the toxic waste dump that is CowboyNeal's couch ;)

--
Rate Naked People [fuckmeter.com] at Fuck Meter! (not work-safe)

Re:I'd be interested in a Slashdot poll.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720456)

why dont you propose it then [slashdot.org] , instead of wanking on about it?

Re:I'd be interested in a Slashdot poll.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720517)

Already done, though a more accurate link to propose a poll is here [slashdot.org] . Emailing chrisd@ is kinda out these days, I guess...

Re:I'd be interested in a Slashdot poll.. (1)

PipianJ (574459) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720533)

Scratch N64 and add Dreamcast and then it's perfect.

Uh, editors? (0, Flamebait)

DavidLeblond (267211) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720394)

Its pretty damn apparent that this article is a joke. I mean, look at the webpage its from. I could tell you it was just a joke by hovering over the link and looking in my status bar. Really, come on editors I know its late at night but you could at least TRY!

Re:Uh, editors? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720416)

Jokes are usually funny though, which pretty much means this article doesn't have a home on /. Well...I guess you could put it in the interviews or Apple sections, as I don't think they get much traffic. :D

You see that little Monty Python foot up there? (2)

Chuck Chunder (21021) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720421)

That indicates that they know it's a joke.

Re:You see that little Monty Python foot up there? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720437)

As other's have indicated...jokes are usually funny. There's nothing worse than such a pathetic attempt at humor falling flat on it's face.

Well...I guess it could've been worse if they used a layout like AICN, but you know what I mean...

Re:Uh, editors? (2, Funny)

tm2b (42473) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720541)

They knew that.

They just don't seem to have known that it's not funny.

Just like the domain name: (5, Insightful)

gotr00t (563828) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720396)

It's a pointless waste of time. The entire article does not really poke the surface of any actual fact, and is either mostly speculation (like speculting about how Sony will eventually need to make good on their promise for a PS3 in order to even be able to stand up to Microsoft, who "always wins") or just stereotyping about stuff (like how playing Nintendo makes you look less manly... if I read that right) Moreover, like any good ./er, I hate his pro-M$ slant.

This is nothing more than a person's personal opinion on the state of the console gaming market today, and you would be crazy to site it in any research paper or anything of that sort.

Guys, tell me, please....! (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720401)

Those screenshots of the babes fighting, what game are they from??? *drool*

Just to make sure... (0, Offtopic)

El Camino SS (264212) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720405)


Is there a way to mark this entire thread as -1 Troll, just before all of the PC and console zealots arrive? I can smell them coming.

It would be a kind of flashing warning sign to others entering into the thread. Ya know, safety purposes.

Worst. War. Ever. (2, Insightful)

elwoodblues16 (666185) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720407)

Microsoft and Nintento are scrapping it out for second place. Does that really constitute a 'war'?

Sega and Nintendo, that was a console war. This is... not.

Re:Worst. War. Ever. (4, Informative)

edwdig (47888) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720440)

Look at it this way:

Nintendo is making a huge profit. Sony is making a (relatively) small profit. Microsoft is taking a loss the size of Nintendo's income (not profit). Very different picture there.

Oh, and the SNES outsold the Genesis 2:1. Profit wise it was probably an even wider gap, although I've never seen financial figures for the two companies from back then.

Pointless Waste of Time (0, Redundant)

MaverickUW (177871) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720418)

Did Blaster send one of the big moderators back to April 1st? The domain speaks for itself. Is there anything that could be truly useful to be found on a website with the domain pointlesswasteoftime.com?

priorities! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720419)

The biggest black out in US history just happened 2 days ago and you people are sitting around talking about "game console wars"?

GET SOME PRIORITIES PEOPLE!

(this troll brought to you by the grassroots organization OFGSPABBGTSPT: Organization For Getting Some Priorities And Bringing Back The Get Some Priorities Troll)

War? (-1, Offtopic)

mphase (644838) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720427)

Personally I own an Xbox(and the controller is the perfect size). It hardly seems up to the standard for a "war", mac vs pc(war), linux vs everybody(war), cube vs xbox vs ps2(chick fight). It's just not that big a deal. Why not just create REALLY good PC games instead of spending all your time working on perty lil boxes(though this is basically what MS did)? I must say I liked the way the article was written, It was readable and seemed to fit with the discussion.

The winner is... (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720431)

...those of us who have all the consoles anyway...

numbers? (3, Insightful)

jest3r (458429) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720432)

Can anyone answer the following questions:

1. How many PS2 consols have sold to date
2. How many Xbox consols have sold to date
3. How many Gamecubes have sold to date

I would also like to know when M$ is planning on making the XBOX smaller ... right now the thing is big and ugly ...

Re:numbers? (1)

AntiOrganic (650691) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720448)

Are you looking for American sales figures or global sales figures?

Also, a smaller Xbox has been talked about for many months now and will probably be seen fairly soon.

Re:numbers? (1)

jest3r (458429) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720460)

anything recent ..

Re:numbers? (0)

mphase (644838) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720452)

Big - yes. Ugly - no. It's a nice case. Solid and clean looking, it's only real problem is not being stackable.

Re:numbers? (1)

edwdig (47888) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720490)

Approx...

PS2 - either 40 million
Gamecube - 9.55 million
Xbox - 9.4 million

The PS2 lead isn't as big as it seems though, as the production quality of them is very low. Many of those purchases are replacements. EVERYONE I know who owns a PS1 or PS2 has had to have their system replaced.

Shinji Mikame, the creator of Resident Evil, has publicly said that one of the reasons RE is GameCube exclusive is because he dislikes the PS2, due to having to replace his system 3 times.

Re:numbers? (1)

bstadil (7110) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720495)

Worldwide

1. How many PS2 consols have sold to date

Approx 60Mu (4.5mu/ qtr Last Qtr slow at 2.9Mu

2. How many Xbox consols have sold to date

9.4Mu

3. How many Gamecubes have sold to date

9.6Mu

Re:numbers? (5, Informative)

PipianJ (574459) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720507)

Worldwide figures are:

1. PS2: 51.2 million worldwide (As of March)
2. Gamecube: 9.55 million worldwide (As of March)
3. Xbox: 9.4 million worldwide (As of July)

US figures are:

1. PS2: 17.7 million (As of May)
2. Xbox: 6.2 million (As of May?)
3. Gamecube: About 4 million? (figures not known, but estimated to be 2 million under Xbox)

crude yes. thoughtful.. no. (5, Insightful)

binarybum (468664) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720439)


I fail to see how an opininated piece of rubbish that lays out predictions, nay, edicts for what game console is the l3373S7 without describing the details of how the conclusions were drawn can be reffered to as thoughtful.

btw: I think that infographic was already published in USA today.

I turn to slashdot for informative tech news, not something I could find with a search engine by typing in video games +boobies

ps3 (0, Offtopic)

2057 (600541) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720441)

personally i havent owned a console since my genesis which i still play. but im really anticipating sony's playstation 3 because of all added features invovled its a pvr with 120gb hdd, dvd-rw drive, i mean its gonna be amazing, i'd probably buy one and never purchase a game.

Re:ps3 (1)

2057 (600541) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720481)

how was i labeled offtopic!? im merely talking about who i think will be winning the "console wars" and i get labeled offtopic...good golly.

I wonder (0, Offtopic)

yamcha666 (519244) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720444)

I wonder if this is an article where the majority of Slashdotters won't mind if you don't RTFA!

Microsoft Propaganda As Always... (1, Interesting)

PipianJ (574459) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720445)

It is true that Nintendo is third place in the US... And for that they are suffering a bit. Don't get me wrong, I am a Nintendo fanboy (and to a lesser extent Square, and by extension, Sony) who hates Xbox with a passion, but Nintendo isn't going anywhere in the States, and it's got a tough time ahead of it. Best wait for the secret announcement later.

Elsewhere, Nintendo takes the cake, even worldwide it takes second-place with 9.55 million units (as of March) sold to 9.4 million Xboxes (as of July) (consider the fact that Xbox sales are biased towards the US, and you get a more interesting picture of the world sales. For links on the info, look at the link at the bottom of this post.). So Nintendo is hardly down and out.

And that brings me to my anecdote. Earlier this month, I had the privilege to sit in a two-hour open forum featuring four highly respected people in the gaming industry. One of these was Ms. Laura Fryer, Director of the Xbox Advanced Technology Group.

Naturally, as a Slashdotter, I decided to ask Ms. Fryer the two hard hitting questions:

  • Why does Microsoft refuse to give Linux a legitimate license for use? (Yes, the ultimate "MS Answer" was obvious, but I wanted to irk her...)
  • What does Microsoft plan to do about the fact that they are in third place worldwide?

The initial response? "Them's fighting words!"

She went on to address my second question first, dismissing it as untrue. Of course, I found evidence to the contrary later on, but the fact is that she lied about it.

Then of course, there was the Linux part of the question, which she dodged, mentioning something about "security" before going on about "intellectual property" issues (nVidia and Intel have problems with Linux on the Xbox? This is the way she tried to paint it...)

In any case, though the public opinion coming out of it was quite likely biased for her ("She's in the industry! She knows what she's talking about!") The fact of the matter is she blatently lied and danced around my question. Needless to say, it's quite ego-boosting to realize that a 17-year-old kid had to make a member of MS management lie and dance around the answer...

As for more information on the incident, you can see my blog entry [pipian.com] on the subject.

Re:Microsoft Propaganda As Always... (1)

jkmiecik (242175) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720479)

Just another Linux fanboy. How come you aren't bugging Nintendo and Sony to run Linux on their systems? Why is Microsoft a target? Remove the zealot basis from your arguement and I'll listen.

Re:Microsoft Propaganda As Always... (1)

jkmiecik (242175) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720497)

Scratch Sony. Forgot they allow Linux.

Re:Microsoft Propaganda As Always... (1)

PipianJ (574459) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720522)

I'm not EXACTLY pro-Linux-on-Xbox, but I find it an admirable goal, as an Xbox is a ratehr powerful machine for a cheap price, and by installing Linux, and buying 10 of them ($1750) you can have a nice cluster of PIII-750 boxes for the price of 1 high-end P4 3GHz machine.

The other thing is that I do think Linux on an Xbox is rather hilarious!

As for Linux on the Cube, it would be interesting, but there isn't nearly enough functionality to really accomplish too much (e.g. no integrated ethernet, no hard drive, no ability to use normal CDs). It'd be interesting, but I seriously doubt there are any good reasons for using it, unlike the PS2 and Xbox with hard drives and ethernet...

That's easy (1)

Raul654 (453029) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720545)

Xbox is basically a gussied-up PC, complete with x86 processor. That's one of it's big hooks for developers, that it's almost trivial to develop for it compared to a PC.

Contrast that with the other two systems. Totally proprietary. I hear PS2 is a "nightmare" to develop for. I doubt the cube is cake either. Getting linux to run on these would be, at best, a long and expensive process. Touche - why should they spend money to develop that when maybe .0001% of users would run linux? Cost-benefit analysis would seem to suggest it best for them to not do it.

Re:Microsoft Propaganda As Always... (-1)

gee308 (167706) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720523)

sorry to be a jerk but the answer to this question:

Why does Microsoft refuse to give Linux a legitimate license for use? (Yes, the ultimate "MS Answer" was obvious, but I wanted to irk her...)

is that Microsoft could probably give a rat's ass fuck less about linux on xbox. Here is an analogy, "why doesn't sony sell PS2s with a refrigerator." the question makes no sense at all.
Just by reading your post before you mentioned your age, it was obvious to tell that you are a young kid. Linux is not needed everywhere.

Adolf Hitler, dead at 56 (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720449)

I just heard some sad news on talk radio - Reichsfuhrer Adolf Hitler was found dead in his Berlin bunker this morning at the age of 56. There weren't any more details. I'm sure everyone in the Slashdot community will miss him - even if you didn't enjoy his blitzkrieg, there's no denying his contributions to Jewish culture. Truly a Nazi icon.

no no no that's all wrong: Idi Amin dead at 80 (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720468)

Do Idi Amin ones dude! He just died and he was brutal as a mofo! And if you're into jewish culture idi came to power with the backing of Israel! Snazy right?

So..... (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720454)

this was written by a Microsoft employee right?

Pricing of Game Consoles (4, Interesting)

wwhsgrad2002 (698991) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720464)

The PS2 and the Xbox are the two hottest selling consoles on the market right now. These two consoles in some ways redefined gaming by including a way to connect the console to other players around the world via the internet. The next generation of game consoles will obviously be better. They will be faster. They will have bigger hard drives. The will have better graphics. In short they will almost be as powerful as a desktop computer. Can Sony, Microsft, and Nintendo sell these next generation consoles for less than $300 conoles and still make a profit. The console that wins the pricing war will likely win the "console war."

Re:Pricing of Game Consoles (4, Insightful)

AtaruMoroboshi (522293) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720491)


if by "hottest selling" you mean "I am only talking about the USA"...

and if you rank the PS2 as an equal success as the Xbox, you're being misleading, considering that Sony has sold many times more PS2's than Microsoft has sold Xboxen.

Note than in Japan, the Xbox makes up 1.6% of hardware sales. That .6% better than the discontinued Wonderswan.

.

I wish for the old days (5, Insightful)

bersl2 (689221) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720471)

when game companies were game companies. I hate Sony for releasing the Playstation, and I despise M$ for the XBox (and other obvious reasons). I think it's awful that those two compainies are not dependent for survival on the quality of the product.

Call me sentimental, but I feel as though the PS? and XBox have no substance, no charm, no soul. Nintendo and Sega have all those things for me. It's something that cannot be explained by logic or statistics.

Also, I know I can't be the only one who thinks that first-person shooters do not belong on consoles.

Why was this flamebait of an article posted? (-1, Redundant)

AtaruMoroboshi (522293) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720472)


Seriously, how is this in anyway "thoughtful"?

Good to see... (5, Funny)

oasis3582 (698323) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720492)

that everyone else here thinks this article is downright asinine. Since when did some penis-fetishist's *opinion* on the state of the console war start to matter? If this works so well, I'm going to write an article on how I think alien invasion is the cause of the East coast power outages, and see if I can get it posted. Sheesh...

Kwality Kontrol. (3, Interesting)

August_zero (654282) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720496)

Um, maybe I'm a little out of things considering that I took the MCAT yesterday and have been more or less drunk since it concluded, but why was that article posted? Are the admins off this weekend?

Don't get me wrong, the subject matter could have been an interesting read, but My cat has buried things in his sand box that had more journalistic merit than that "article" did.

Wow, what rubbish (5, Insightful)

fuzzeli (676881) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720499)

Finally, an acknowledgement that flaccid US Gamecube sales are due to the majority of American gamers being insecure in their manhood.

The format of the article underscores this point beautifully.

Save Your Mod Points (3, Insightful)

FauxReal (653820) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720503)

Although the article is informative in the fact that it names the three major consoles, there isn't any other usefull content there. I do wonder if the writer truly is clever in their textbook depiction of a completely stereotypical trailer park reject wrestling fanatic with a breast obsession. It couldn't be the writer's real perosnality because this person obviously knows how to use a computer.

Dang CounterStrike leave me in peace (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720505)

I can't ever see a day I buy a console when I could use the money to get another 5 fps for CS on my dang PC ...

ugh (2, Funny)

Hellasboy (120979) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720506)

Did Michael even bother to read what he linked to? This "article", and I use that term loosely, reads as bad as last months Stuff magazine - like a 9 year old boy who can use MSPaint and should be on Ritalin.

There is nothing "thoughtful" about this article.

I lost braincells reading half of it... (1, Insightful)

canicus (670885) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720513)

As has already been pointed out, the article is poorly written and a joke. I didn't quite finish it for those reasons, and I felt like I was losing brain cells.

The whole question is moot, though. After all, the combination of having the best advertising and releasing first will be what wins out. Even fan loyalty will likely come in handy. So, why bother predicting, when one bureaucratic screw up can ruin the whole thing.

Now, there are the other holy wars...Linux, vi, and the like being worthy causes :).

Pirate Joke (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 11 years ago | (#6720514)

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch and the bartender looks to him and says "Buddy, what's with the steering wheel on your crotch?" The pirate looks back at him and says "Yarrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Ghost still multiplatform (2, Insightful)

Clock Nova (549733) | more than 11 years ago | (#6720540)

Hmmm. Last I checked, Starcraft: Ghost was still a multi-console release. Interesting article, though slightly misguided.
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