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Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation

timothy posted more than 10 years ago | from the what-is-this-sex-thing-anyhow dept.

Science 264

danny writes "Having problems with your sex life? Read on for my review of Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation -- it may not get you laid, but you can have some fun learning about the evolutionary biology and natural history of sex." With that disclaimer in mind, read on for the rest.

Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation mimics a write-in advice column, in which anthropomorphised animals of all kinds ask for help with their sex lives. That is just the framework, however, for an entertaining tour of the natural history and evolutionary biology of sex. Pretty much every aspect of animal sex is at least touched on, though the "all creation" of the title is an exaggeration -- there's only the occasional reference to plants and bacteria, with nothing (for example) on the fascinating topic of pollination.

The columns are grouped thematically in thirteen chapters, divided into three parts. Part one covers the "expenses" involved in sex, female promiscuity, conflicts between males, and alternative strategies for those who are poor and small. Part two covers sex and cannibalism, sex and violence (male and female), love potions and homosexuality, and monogamy. And part three looks at incest, at hermaphroditism, facultative sex and other variants, and at asexuality and theories for the evolution and persistence of sex.

Each column typically runs to four or five pages, beginning with a question.

Dear Dr. Tatiana,

I'm an Australian redback spider, and I'm a failure. I said to my darling, "Take, eat, this is my body," and I vaulted into her jaws. But she spat me out and told me to get lost. Why did she spurn the ultimate sacrifice?

Dr. Tatiana never answers directly, but looks around first at other species with similar or related problems

"... most guys prefer not to be eaten at all. ... In the scorpion Paruroctonus mesaensis, the male whacks his partner several times before racing off; in the wolf spider Lycosa rabida, the male tosses his lover in the air, leaving her in a crumpled heap as he hurries away.

... In the bristle worm Nereis caudata, something similar goes on but for once it's the man who eats his wife.

... Do other males eat their mates? I have never heard of it. But note: this is not to say males don't eat females. They do. Just not during sex. Platonic cannibalism is a problem for creatures from apes to amoebae. It's depraved out there."

and sets the question in a broader context

"... It goes without saying that such a death wish can evolve only in special circumstances. That is, being eaten must mean you leave more offspring than if you are spared. So far, your species is the only one known to meet this criterion. A male redback who gets himself munched fertilizes more eggs than a male who survives. Why? ... it turns out that sex takes longer when she's chewing away on you, which gives you the chance to deliver more sperm and thus fertilize more eggs. So your challenge is to make yourself more appetizing."

before finishing with the answer, if there is one.

"The secret is picking your moment. Female redbacks aren't greedy; when they're not hungry, they don't eat. If you offer yourself right after she's feasted, forget it. You've got to wait until she gets that mean and hungry look in all eight of her beady little eyes. And then, for what you are about to receive, may your kiddies be truly thankful."

Links to many different areas of biology are explored.

"Lysin, the protein that determines whether an abalone sperm can enter an abalone egg, is evolving at record speed. Tantalizingly, abalone are also splitting into new species at a startling rate."

And for those who want to follow up specific topics in the technical literature, there are thirty pages of notes, giving annotated references for each column, with pointers into a forty page bibliography. (Though a short recommended reading list of non-technical popular works on evolution would have been a more useful inclusion for most readers.)

Sex Advice to All Creation assumes no background in biology, and there's the occasional wordy or repetitive explanation. But even scientists for whom the evolutionary biology is old hat are likely to find some new details in the natural history. The chatty tone and the framing conceit of an advice column -- extended in the last chapter to a mock television show -- remain entertaining and decorative, never pushed so far they become annoying or distort the science.

"If you are not a hermaphrodite, incest is best if you come from a species where males have only one set of genes. If you're not a member of such a species, I urge you to avoid sex with your nearest and dearest."


You can purchase Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation from bn.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.

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asdfasdfasdfasdfasdf (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359277)

fp

Having problems with your sex life? (3, Funny)

Pingular (670773) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359279)

This is Slashdot, the only problems with people's sex life here is that they don't have one.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (1)

TrippTDF (513419) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359294)

Speak for yourself.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359329)

Judging from your sig, he doesn't have to.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (5, Informative)

Pingular (670773) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359405)

I was suprised to not see this, but here's a link to Dr Tatiana's Website [drtatiana.com] .

PINGULAR = SIR HAXALOT (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359889)

Pingular is Sir Haxalot [slashdot.org]

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (2, Funny)

roedeer (127491) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359428)

Which is confirmed by the fact that a normal /. post would have at least 3 times the amount of comments by now

Or maybe they all went to read the book...

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359488)

Or actually read the article.

Speak for yourself... (2, Insightful)

NineNine (235196) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359450)

... not all of us are fat and pasty, with spit coming out of the corners of our mouth when we talk, which so happens to always be about computerth. I get laid on a *very* regular basis (no, I'm not married), AND I've been posting on /. for a while now. So there.

Re:Speak for yourself... (2, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359480)

Methinks he doth protest too much.

Re:Speak for yourself... (5, Insightful)

11223 (201561) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359548)

Dude, you run a porn aggregating site. You have a serious credibility problem on this subject.

Re:Speak for yourself... (2, Funny)

sulli (195030) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359585)

Maybe being a pornographer gets you laid? Just a thought.

Re:Speak for yourself... (1)

proj_2501 (78149) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359656)

yes, but by whom?

Re:Speak for yourself... (-1, Troll)

NineNine (235196) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359621)

Chicks dig the fact that I run a porn site. What, do you think that I run it for my OWN benefit? Shit, I haven't looked at it in months. I don't need a porn site to spank to. I've got chicks throwing themselves at me. Personal hygene + the gym + ability to talk about things other than computers + confidence = pussy.

Re:Speak for yours elf... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359669)

This guy is an immature idiot... just look at his other comments

Re:Speak for yourself... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359709)

Throw a little respect for women in that equation and you might end up with a little dignity too.

Re:Speak for yourself... (2, Funny)

American AC in Paris (230456) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359617)

Not to be pedantic, but "laid" is not a superset of "laid off"...

fnord

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (4, Funny)

unoengborg (209251) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359468)

Real slashdotters doesn't see this as a problem.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359474)

That's not true! I have bona fide ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

Slashdot and BSD *ARE DEAD*. (-1, Troll)

Clippy (691243) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359475)

Anyone else noticed the LACK of an "News for Nerds" here at Slashdot, of late? I mean really, "Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation"??? Unless it talks a whole lot about different ways to masturbate, no one here is going to know what to do with it.

But really, where did the "News for Nerds" go? Slashdot and BSD *ARE DEAD*.

Dear Masturbator (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359503)

Dear Masturbator,

I know a site that might interest you, if you have some spare time:

http://jackinworld.com/ [jackinworld.com]

Lubed,
Letter

Re:Slashdot and BSD *ARE DEAD*. (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359718)

HOW IS THIS A TROLL? Mr. Clippy makes a good point! This story is off topic for slashdot. If the reviewed book was Scientific Support for Creationism, Clippy would have been modded Insightful.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359592)

Haha. You wish! =D

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359640)

Hey, it's not my fault no fabulously good-looking woman wants to eat me...

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359647)

I've been accused of not ever getting laid on this site before. This not an espeicially illogical assumption given the fact that I am overweight, my feet smell, I dress shoddily, I watch Star Trek TNG DVDs and play Star Wars KOTOR, I work so much that I have almost no social life at all, am obsessed with computers and have a messy apartment (that I call "the cave") that smells like cat pee and where the cats track kitty litter all over the bed(actually it's a nice one). I also have a crusing fear of attractive members of the opposite sex (and I am *NOT* teh ghey, despite numerous accusations to the contrary and my somewhat androgenous nature). Oh, and I also own a StarFleet Uniform (Next Generation) and collect props from Star Trek Movies and TV shows. My "cave" has ethernet cables crisscrossing it and books strewn in piles everywhere. Quite a catch, ain't I?

I have had dry spells lasting upwards of 7 years (!!!) in my twenties and another 2 years in my early thirties. *BUT* to my utter surprise and amazement, I have had a number of gilrfriends over the years. All were at least *cute* some were so attractive that I was absolutely incredulous that they would be even seen with me, let alone that they would enjoy sex with me enough to not break up with me after the first tragicomic attempts to make love. Which I find intimidating. It's miserable doing nothing but masterbation for lack of a sex life, but on the other hand pleasing another human being in bed can be sort of intimidating. Nevertheless, I have had, and continue to have sexual opportunities to my utter amazement. One amazingly incredibly sexy young woman that I helped with an IT probelm is freakin' ga-ga over me. So is an attractive blond young saleswoman. Honest truth, and I don't really give a shit whether you believe me or not. I'm living this life, not you smart guy! Slashdot crowds are so damn easy to predict that I figured I'd cut some of the less psychologically cogent of us off at the pass by with some stock defensiveness. That being said, I certainly can't figure it out. I certainly wouldn't lay me. But it happens. For that, at least, I am glad.

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (1)

Bendebecker (633126) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359654)

What's sex?

Re:Having problems with your sex life? (2, Interesting)

segmond (34052) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359786)

Anyone who is a serious geek and hacker and who wants to get laid and cannot get laid is not worthy to be called a geek or a hacker. I can understand that some geeks/hackers don't get laid because they devote much time to their projects that they see sex as a waste of resource in terms of time investment, emotional investment, etc... Human beings are computers, meat machines, they accept input using their senses (hearing, seeing, feeling) and they respond with output (feeling, speech, touch). The appropriate input gets you the right output just like any normal functioning computer does.

Humans are not universal machines, they are more complex and the inputs varies based on culture, social class, environment and such, so to program them, one has to be aware of all that. This is nothing more but advanced psychology. How so called geeks and hackers can not pick up books and study this baffles me.

To give some examples, you can use presuppositions so that things you want the girl to do is pre-supposed. Instead of asking, "WILL you like to go out for coffee?" which fetches a yes or no, you ask, "WHERE will you like to go for coffee?" your presupposition is that she wants coffee, if she says, "I don't drink coffee", you go ahead, why they sell milk and juice for the cute little girls like you, lets go! just get them never to say no.

When people communicate you have to find out how they communicte, and use the same method to code back their message to them. some are visual, others auditory, kinesthetic. Example, "What do you think about the movie?" a) It looked beautiful! (b) It was loud! (c) It was moving. now you know where they fall in and use words that they can relate to better, etc, etc.

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) teaches this, and whilst you learn alot from it, I am not going to say that this is the one key, you have to tailor it and adjust it for your environment. What do political leaders, politicians, lawyers, religious leaders have in common? The power of persuasion and to influence. Being a geek/hacker is not an excuse!

I am from Africa, I live in Detroit and have for a while! By the old school definition, I am a hacker, I grok digital eletronics, programming languages, natural languages, I know more assembly langauges than the average geek knows high level languages. I have been a Unix fool for 10yrs shit like that, oh yeah, and I think Python is the ichiban of programming languages. I love to tune 4 cylinder cars and turbocharge them. I am not trying to toot my own horn or whatever, I am just pointing out, that yes, I am a hax0r! w00w00!, anyway! point is that I get laid quite often by beautiful women! I once was a social inept fool, but I had to actually really sit down, read, study myself, others and environments and figure out how to manipulate it. So geeks do have sex lifes. I am still an introvert, but I can still hit the rowdy detroit clubs, dance to gangstar rap, spit the slang of the detroits and close up some fine women for future encounters. So enough of this crap about geeks not being able to get laid, I worry that the more yall say it, the more it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I had sex last week! But.... (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359828)

This has nothing to do with anything remotely Slashdot related, but I need to do something before my head explodes:

As I type this, my roomate and my best friend/recent lover are fucking in the next room over. WHAT THE FUCK. After 10 years of friendship and built-up sexual tension, we finally hooked up and now less than a week later she's banging my roomate. I am so fucking incensed right now I can't think straight. I wouldn't mind if they went to a hotel or otherwise didn't make it known, but she just FUCKING WALKED PAST MY ROOM TOPLESS AND SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FUCKING FACE. How fucking insensitive can you be?!

This sucks. It's 3AM and I'm telling strangers (GEEK strangers, no less) about my personal problems. I am a big pussy and will most likely not say anything to either one of them so I expect this to go on for a while. Fuck.

Feeling low? There's someone else out there that's having a worse day than you. Trust me.

The spammers are attacking slashdot! (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359282)

Next thing we are going to see penis enlargement stories.

Re:The spammers are attacking slashdot! (1)

TrippTDF (513419) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359330)

Next thing? Every story about SCO is just them trying to prove they have a massive wang...

Frast Pizat (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359283)

blarg. frosty piss

jesus hates y ou (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359284)

put your pants back on. youre all gonna burn in hell for this!

Re:jesus hates y ou (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359695)

Well, if I'm going to burn in hell anyway...

(drops pants back down)

GNAA Anus Sex Advice (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359285)

GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which
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Third, you need to join the official GNAA irc channel #GNAA on EFNet, and apply for membership.
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If you have mod points and would like to support GNAA, please moderate this post up.

This post brought to you by Penisbird [nero-online.org] , a proud member of the GNAA

G_____________________________________naann_______ ________G
N_____________________________nnnaa__nanaaa_______ ________A
A____________________aanana__nannaa_nna_an________ ________Y
A_____________annna_nnnnnan_aan_aa__na__aa________ ________*
G____________nnaana_nnn__nn_aa__nn__na_anaann_MERI CA______N
N___________ana__nn_an___an_aa_anaaannnanaa_______ ________I
A___________aa__ana_nn___nn_nnnnaa___ana__________ ________G
A__________nna__an__na___nn__nnn___SSOCIATION_of__ ________G
G__________ana_naa__an___nnn______________________ ________E
N__________ananan___nn___aan_IGGER________________ ________R
A__________nnna____naa____________________________ ________S
A________nnaa_____anan____________________________ ________*
G________anaannana________________________________ ________A
N________ananaannn_AY_____________________________ ________S
A________ana____nn_________IRC-EFNET-#GNAA________ ________S
A_______nn_____na_________________________________ ________O
*_______aaaan_____________________________________ ________C
um, dolor. Nunc nec nisl. Phasellus blandit tempor augue. Donec arcu orci, adipiscing ac, interdum a, tempus nec, enim. Phasellus placerat iaculis orci. Crasa sit amet quam. Sed enim quam, porta quis, aliquet quis, hendrerit ut, sem. Etiam felis tellus, suscipit et, consequat quis, pharetra sit amet, nisl. Aenean arcu massa, lacinia in, dictum eu, pulvinar ac, orci. Mauris at diam tempor ante ullamcorper molestie. Ut dapibus eleifend ipsum. Nam dignissim.

Re:GNAA Anus Sex Advice (-1, Troll)

Entropy Unleashed (682552) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359356)

Please mod parent down for being offtopic... penisbirds aren't mentioned in the article.

Why didn't this get a 10? (2, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359288)

There's nothing in the review that justifies the one point deduction!

$1.40 cheaper (2, Informative)

zontroll (714448) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359299)

Referral: Amazon has this book for $1.40 cheaper than bn [amazon.com]
Spend $13.80 more to get free shipping.

Re:$1.40 cheaper (1, Flamebait)

Dot.Com.CEO (624226) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359509)

How thoughtful of you to provide an associate's link so you can get the commission. There is a word for you, and the word is spammer.

Re:$1.40 cheaper (1)

AmishSlayer (324267) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359773)

Indeed!

Half of his posts are about how Amazon is cheaper than bn.com and spend X more to get free shipping. I've seen a lot of trolling spamming scum like this lately.

Same text everytime too... like it is a script making the post or something.

Very accurate review (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359309)

It said that this book won't get me laid, and guess what. It didn't. 4 stars.

Re:Very accurate review (2, Funny)

zoeblade (600058) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359770)

It said that this book won't get me laid, and guess what. It didn't. 4 stars.

So if you got laid, would you have given it five stars?

What's with all the Furries lately? (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359310)

They were on CSI last night, now they have a friggin' fuzzy sutra. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

Re:What's with all the Furries lately? (2, Funny)

jonnyfivealive (611482) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359599)

THAT was the nuttiest(no pun intended) thing ive seen in a while on CSI last night... that dude crying about finding out who he really was was WHACKED. id never even heard of all that before...

to stay on topic, uh... beowulf clusters of something or others... or how about SCO sux?

Re:What's with all the Furries lately? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359835)

Furpile anyone? Who wants to yiff?

hahahaha (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359327)

Problem is it gets freakin tough to find a lady thats single gaarrghh

Come on (1)

pheared (446683) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359344)

"Dr. Tatiana" ?

She clearly changed her name to garner sales.

Re:Come on (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359377)

You stupid shit.

Re:Come on (1)

Pingular (670773) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359378)

She clearly changed her name to garner sales.
What do you mean, 'she'? :)

it was a bit short though (5, Informative)

rednuhter (516649) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359366)

I was dissapointed when two thirds of the way through the book ended (it was a small paer back to start with) the last third was notes etc.
But regardless it was a fun read, turned a few heads on the train ;)

Re:it was a bit short though (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359637)

"I was dissapointed when two thirds of the way through the book ended (it was a small paer back to start with) the last third was notes etc."

So now you know how women feel about sex.

Hooo-wheee! (0, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359375)

I'm all thankin', golly, who don't know how ta sex up a barnyard aminal 'fore they even learns themselfs to read? Who gonna buy this book?

But this book looks ta gots lotsa other stuff. I's gonna saves up fer this book fer lernin some new tricks fer 'Ms. Piggy.' :)

--Cleetus

A book on evolutionary biology... (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359380)

...should not have 'creation' in the title.

News for News? (0, Offtopic)

goldspider (445116) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359382)

Comon! I know this question almost always gets modded down, but I think in this case especially, it's as valid a question as any!

News for NERDS, that is! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359458)

Ack, not been a good day, what can I say...

The Book is utter crap with statements like... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359392)

"... most guys prefer not to be eaten at all. ... " I KNOW that I sure do!

News for nerds? Stuff that MATTERS? (2)

ichthus (72442) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359440)

Funniest thing... I typed slashdot.org, but It looks like I got www.salon.com. Where the hell did this review come from?

Re:News for nerds? Stuff that MATTERS? (1)

jonnyfivealive (611482) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359473)

did you RTFR?

its science, foo. bugs and things. its funny, laugh

Is it safe (1, Funny)

czephyr (706389) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359445)

To still have hot Monkey love?

Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation (2, Funny)

siphoncolder (533004) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359457)

"We apologize for the inconvenience"

Re:Dr Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359651)

Only on slashdot would someone consider sex as inconvenient.. (yeah yeah, I know it's from HGttG, and I don't even mean it seriously it's just one of those "might as well get over it" slashdot jokes ^^)

don't buy the book (4, Informative)

brad3378 (155304) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359462)

.... when you can get better advice for free:

http://www.sosuave.com/ [sosuave.com] - this one is my favorite for content, but the interface sucks

I haven't looked at this one much, but it has potential.
http://fastseduction.com/guide/ [fastseduction.com]

and a couple more:
http://www.blowmeuptom.com/index2.html [blowmeuptom.com]

http://askmen.com/ [askmen.com]

No, I wouldn't consider myself a player - far from it, but yes I do read these websites. You can always learn from others even if you don't agree with their philosophies. If you'd consider yourself more of a "niceguy" than a "player", you should still read this stuff and figure out what you need to do differently to start scoring.

Re:don't buy the book (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359495)

No, I wouldn't consider myself a player - far from it, but yes I do read these websites.

Ummm.. No one is going to assume you are a player because you read these websites.

Re:don't buy the book (0, Flamebait)

brad3378 (155304) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359620)

Ummm.. No one is going to assume you are a player because you read these websites.

Nor will anybody assume that you are a genius for reading slashdot.

Re:don't buy the book (1)

numark (577503) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359917)

I think you missed the point of the book. It's about the evolution of sex throughout the animal kingdom, written in the form of advice column letters. Nothing in the review about humans.

Re:don't buy the book (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359920)

"No, I wouldn't consider myself a player - far from it, but yes I do read these websites."

but apparently not TFR.

More of this sort of spooky information (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359465)

... can be found here [somethingleet.com] .

Don't thank me, just use PayPal.

Sex will not exist soon. (1)

Thinkit3 (671998) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359490)

It is the single most complicating factor of life today. Imagine how much simpler if we didn't have the division between sexes? Less pronouns to remember! We already have artificial wombs, so we'll just evolve into a being that doesn't reproduce. But imagine if we had stayed like earthworms, both male and female.

Re:Sex will not exist soon. (1)

jonnyfivealive (611482) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359555)

poor soul... you really have given up on ever getting laid, havent you?

Re:Sex will not exist soon. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359760)

What? You think life would be simpler when EVERYONE'S potentially someone to have a relationship with? No "hangin' out with the guys" or "going out with my girlfriends?" Hoo-boy.

Re:Sex will not exist soon. (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359870)

If you can think of a better way to exchange long protein strands, we'd like to hear about it.

Wait for her... (4, Insightful)

NineNine (235196) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359508)

"The secret is picking your moment. Female redbacks aren't greedy; when they're not hungry, they don't eat. If you offer yourself right after she's feasted, forget it. You've got to wait until she gets that mean and hungry look in all eight of her beady little eyes. And then, for what you are about to receive, may your kiddies be truly thankful."

This is some good advice. The best way to get laid is not to pursue, and not to give a shit. If she's interested, let her chase you down. Hell, make her wait. Then when the time is right, BAM! Crazy, hot, dirty monkey sex.

Re:Wait for her... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359754)

I'd have to agree with you, there.

"Having problems with your sex life? (4, Funny)

botzi (673768) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359605)

No. But I should say that's the most original first line from a /. book review in a loooooong time......

Sex, new topic on slashdot! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359612)

How are we supposed to discuss sex?
I predict utter and complete failure, posts are going to be so slow it's not even funny, anonymous cowards bringing fantastic new insights (-sure i've done it, it was me, a stripper, and her friend).

To mod me up is a vote, to mod all sex down.

someone please kill me (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359619)

someone please kill me

sex.. bah (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359665)

This has nothing to do with anything remotely Slashdot related, but I need to do something before my head explodes...

As I type this, my roomate and my best friend/recent lover are fucking in the next room over. WHAT THE FUCK. After 10 years of friendship and built-up sexual tension, we finally hooked up and now less than a week later she's banging my roomate. I am so fucking incensed right now I can't think straight. I wouldn't mind if they went to a hotel or otherwise didn't make it known, but she just FUCKING WALKED PAST MY ROOM TOPLESS AND SHUT THE DOOR IN MY FUCKING FACE. How fucking insensitive can you be?!

This sucks. It's 3AM and I'm telling strangers (GEEK strangers, no less) about my personal problems. I am a big pussy and will most likely not say anything to either one of them so I expect this to go on for a while. Fuck.

Feeling low? There's someone else out there that's having a worse day than you. Trust me.

MOD PARENT UP! IT'S FREEKING ON TOPIC (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359711)

for once...

Re:sex.. bah (1)

Oddly_Drac (625066) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359800)

"I am a big pussy and will most likely not say anything to either one of them so I expect this to go on for a while. Fuck."

Say anything? Fuck that, take revenge. Be a carbon-based lifeform about and stop blogging your frustrations. Play loud polka music; call his mom and ring off just after she answers; fake a fire alarm; record the whole thing for a wedding speech.

Jesus, unless you're trolling you need to take some portion of yourself back.

Getting laid is actually simple (1, Insightful)

Neo-Rio-101 (700494) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359674)

Just don't make the lady feel like a slut, and she will become one for you.

All the crazy stuff women do is based on this one thing. Just avoid letting her make decisions, and never force her to seduce you... that makes her feel slutty.

There is no such thing as rejection... just a warning alarm that you made her feel cheap. (even though she may very well be!)

Uhh... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359675)

there's only the occasional reference to plants and bacteria, with nothing (for example) on the fascinating topic of pollination.

Hey man, whatever gets you goin'...I guess...

Hey! (2, Insightful)

ReciprocityProject (668218) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359678)

I suggested this in my journal [slashdot.org] back in june. I guess I shoulda written a review.

How to have an active sex life (4, Funny)

Cyclopedian (163375) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359690)

Step 1) Move out of your parents house and into your own apartment/house/townhouse/condo.

Step 2) Invite female friend for dinner.

Step 3) ????

Step 4) uh, profit? More like score!

Ok MODS, I'm ready for you!

-Cyc

ESR's Match.com LoveLetter (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359697)

I do the club scene a lot, some say I am a good dancer. I enjoy having a few drinks, usually ale or mead, and I have been known to cause a scene now and then...

Eric paused, breathing heavily. He'd never done this before and he wanted to make sure all of his best qualities were included in this email.

I am a geek, to be frank, and I enjoy hacking UNIX and maintaining Open Source programs such as Felchmale^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HFetchmail and a bevy of FAQs regarding 386 sound internals and role-playing games. I've been doing this for 15 years though I've never held a job in my life.

Eric wondered if this woman he had found on match.com would be impressed with his talents. He decided to put more detail into the message.

I recently drove 24 hours straight, with but two stops for gasoline, from Pennsylvania to Kansas City in an effort to destroy my two arch-nemeses. I would have succeeded except that I blew a head gasket as I was about to shoot one of them from my moving car on Route 69. I am an excellent shot and love guns in general.

ESR pondered for a moment, wringing out his soaked handkerchief, and continued with his typing.

So what languages do you know? I fancy myself quite an accomplished amateur linguist and know Anglo-Saxon and Old Icelandic inside and out. I often compose little riddles in them for fun and mental exercise. In fact, I'll include one for you now!

Chewing on his tongue and squinting, Eric pushed his mind into overdrive and produced a beauty of a riddle on the spot:

Windeth I towarde the skye
I haveth eye but blinde am I


Pleased with his linguistic talents, undoubtedly matched by no one, Eric then asked his potential love-conquest:

Can you guess the answer to that? In case you can not, the correct answer is "my erect penis." I hope you enjoyed that; I do this sort of thing all the time.

Eric exhaled slowly and rubbed his belly. It was growling and no doubt wanted its nightly bottle of Jagermeister. He decided to finish up the email in anticipation of the coming alcoholic stupor.

Well I don't want to make this email too long-- I have a lot of responsibilities in real life to deal with. My role-playing group is coming over and we are spending the next week holed up in the forest near my home in character playing out a possible scenario from Beowulf. I need to get dressed up and I can not find my bear-claw mittens.

Eric wondered how to wrap up the email, something that would hook the lady on him and make her want more...

I hope we can meet and have sex. Despite my cerebral palsy, I am a monster in the sack! Maybe you'll get to see for yourself, LOLOLOL! ;-)
Love,
Eric S. Raymond


Re:ESR's Match.com LoveLetter (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359722)

Today was shaping up to be a great day for Eric S. Raymond, Open Source figurehead and accidental anthropologist extraordinaire. He had finally received, after a year and a half, a reply to his Match.com love-letter. He knew this not because he had been checking his mail in anticipation, but because he had scripted Fetchmail to set off various alarms and buzzers all over his cabin when his reply arrived: Using Open Source tools such as Perl and Jagermeister, Eric had wired his entire house to his 386 with eight megs of RAM running Linux. His shack had just lit up like a Christmas tree before his eyes.

Straining to read his 13" monochrome monitor, ESR pulled out a soiled handkerchief and spat it in, eagerly wiping away the years of filth and grime. When the screen was cleared, he sat anxiously at his kitchen table waiting for his lovely's email to come up. After what seemed like minutes (and was actually closer to a half hour) of Linux paging out and going swap-mad, Felchmale displayed her reply on the screen. Eric beamed as he read the first few lines, and warm sweat began welling up on his ruddy brow.

I liked your little poem. And I did guess the answer before you told me. uh LOL! UR 2 funny!

Eric clapped his hands together several times as a smiled festered its way across his face. He exhaled sharply through taut lips, as if he were literally letting pressure off, and mopped sweat from his forehead. He also began opening a new bottle of Jagermeister.

So how did you learn Anglo-Saxon and Old Icelandic? I speak Latin-American Spanish fluently, and also know a little German and Portugese.

Eric almost had a heart-attack. Jager shot into the air and his hands started shaking uncontrollably. The girl from Match.com he fancied was not only beautiful, but intelligent! He began drinking the Jager with his trembling left hand as he started pounding on his chest with his right-- not in victory but in an attempt to get his heart beating in a proper cycle again. This email was so exciting it was making his congenital arythmia act up! All the while his crooked eyes were fixed hard upon the text of the email.

Well, Eric, allow me to introduce myself properly. My name is Maggie Delano Ipsimer. I am please to meet you, Eric S. Raymond! You may just call me "MDI" for short, Mr. ESR! :-)

Sex Article on Slashdot? (0, Offtopic)

Shaper of Myths (148485) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359708)

Great. Fires, floods, famine, now this...

Sex advice^H^H^H^H^H^^Htalk from Oderus of GWAR (1, Funny)

The Ape With No Name (213531) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359749)

"This song goes out all you guys who ain't gettin' laid. And that is every last one of you. Sexcow!" -- Oderus, Level 5 show, the Roseland, NYC, Halloween, 1997.

Re:Sex advice^H^H^H^H^H^^Htalk from Oderus of GWAR (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359792)

Here's a little something from a GOD to a SLAVE!
Never should've been let out the fucking microwave!
Burning a mall or two!
Blowing the load I spew!
If you don't want to fucking fuck me, I'll fuck YOU!

Evolution is a crock of shit (1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359764)

Why do they still teach 19th century thinking in schools?

Re: Evolution is a crock of shit (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359907)

"Why do they still teach 19th century thinking in schools?"

You mean like genetics, theromodynamics, electromagnetism, quantitative chemistry, and all that unreliable jazz?

tech news?? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359771)

I'm sorry but what the F*CK does this have to do with Slashdot.

Entertaining (1)

RobFrontier (550029) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359774)

I friend of mine bought this for me about a year ago, and while it starts out entertaining enough, it really gets redundant quickly. It certainly would make your sex life interesting if you followed some of the examples from the animal kingdom.

Re:Entertaining (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359793)

...you mean like follow their example and actually HAVE a sex life instead of living in our parents basements?

That's a start...

Re:Entertaining (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359860)

"It certainly would make your sex life interesting if you followed some of the examples from the animal kingdom."

Yeah, that's how I learned the benefits of pouring warm vegetable oil on the trampoline before we start.

The Linux party (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359805)

First, there was a plan: how to bring together the different development groups at work? My boss said there was a sort of tension he thought could be eased by some social interaction. Not easy. Almost all of the different development groups despised each other, each thinking its "art" was more important and eloquent than the others'.

There was the kernel extension developer group, coding mostly in C and some PowerPC and x86 assembler. They worked on making our PCI board work with Linux, *BSD, Mac OS X, QNX, and Solaris. They worked "special hours," coming in at one and staying late, supposedly, until seven or eight at night. They enjoyed Red Bull and had a penchant for ThinkGeek t-shirts and cracking jokes about Win32 API calls and the dreaded Blue Screen of Death.

We had XML developers too. They worked on our website, documentation formatting, and simple apps to configure the driver software. They used HTML, XSL, JavaScript, and a bit of Java. They typically dressed casually, drank coffee and tea, and liked to work straight from the spec: no "Learn XSL in 30 Days" books were to be found in their cubicle farm.

Then we had the guys who wrote full-out UNIX apps. These guys and the products they wrote had been acquired from another company, and were the source of most of the tension: they'd never really been integrated into our group except that they were physically present with the rest of us. They all had beards or mullets or long, unwashed hair. Many wore suspenders or the afore-mentioned ThinkGeek clothes; some even had Penguin tatooes or small C app code tattooed on them. Their cubicle farm was known for the bleating laughter that exploded when one of them found a "silly" bug on someone else's code, and for the rotten, fetid stench that could only be compared to three-day-old shit reeking from inside a rotting corpse's abdominal cavity.

So, in order to get the guys to "know each other" my boss had asked me to organize a during-hours, alcohol-friendly party. My ideas ranged from a keg or two to live entertainment, AKA strippers. But as to what to get them to actually talk to each other in a human manner I had no clue. So I let it go til the last minute and decided to let my inherent creativity mull it over in the back of my head.

When the day of the party had arrived, the catering company brought in a few trays of lunch meat, chicken, pizza, and side dishes, I had picked up the kegs (all four) from the local brewery, and the big-screen TV and DVD were set up ready to blast the Matrix into the eyes and ears of my co-workers. The eagerness in the the air was encouraging and I thought that loosening up and smiles going on even now were a good sign. I even saw some of the guys who'd known each other previously begin to bunch up, bringing along the co-workers they knew from everyday work.

The first thing everyone did was hit the food line, loading up their plates and grabbing a cup for beer to wash it down with. A few approached me and thanked me for the food; it seems appeasing the belly really did tame the beast. After a few minutes of silence and eating and a few second and third courses, they guys were ready to sit down and be entertained. After asking if anyone needed anything else before the movie started, the lights went out and the Matrix began playing. I heard a few enthusiastic comments and jokes being told.

About half-way through the movie I noticed a lot of the guys, especially from the UNIX app group, were getting up and presumably going to the restroom. No suprise, as the second keg was history by now and the third was probably half-way gone. I also noticed some of the guys bumping into things and stumbling. Alcohol's the social lubricant, eh? Well, not long after, my bladder beckoned and I answered. As I made my way to the restroom, I had a self-satisfied smile on my face: my little plan was working, my boss would be happy, and it might even a Christmas bonus or a promotion (even if in title only).

Well, as soon as I pushed the restroom door open, I knew something was wrong. The smell of vomit was pretty strong and I hoped that it'd only been the work of one guy. But the smell was so pungent! After standing at the urinal, waiting for the golden flow to commence, I stood in silence. It was then that I heard grunting. Listening intently for a few seconds, I hoped whoever was upchucking their beer and munchies wasn't leaving a huge mess for the cleanup crew. After pissing and still hearing the noise, I approached the stall the that moaning was coming from.

"Hey, you alright in there, man?" I asked cautiously.

I was met by silence for a moment. Then I heard a few grunts and concealed giggles. Something was up in there. It was then that I heard what sounded like crying and more moaning. What the fuck? I decided I needed to see what was going on. I didn't want this party to come crashing down around my ears. I pushed the door open hard and then gasped as I saw the most sordid, disgusting thing I'd ever seen in my life.

Standing on either side of the toilet were two if the UNIX app coders, their beards caked with vomit, their pants in puddles around ankles, with erect penises wagging in the air. Doubled over the toilet, his head nearly dunked in the swill, was one of the XML developers. His pants were also around his ankles and what appeared to be a combination of blood and semen were dripping from his torn, ragged anus. He was covered in vomit from head to toe, and he was crying hard into the toilet bowl, its echo an eerie accompaniment to the awful scene I was seeing but not believing.

They two Linux coders slowly turned and looked me straight in the eye, evil grins smeared across both of their bearded faces.

"What in Fuck's name are you doing!?" was all I could force out of my mouth. I still wasn't believing I was seeing this.

Saying nothing, both of the Linux coders rushed me. Being in such a tense state, I threw both of them off and made a break for the door. And the fucking thing wouldn't open. In the follow two seconds that seemed like an eternity, the door was pushed open my way and two more Linux coders came in. Upon seeing what was happening, they immediately grabbed me and were joined by the first two. I was trapped. Then the one guy, who was a dead-ringer for Rasputin, the mad Russian monk, gazed into my eyes and said in a feminine voice, "Looks like Mr. Party is gonna get a taste of the real action!" and cackled insanely.

Cold sweat spurted from the pores on my foreheads and cheeks as I was dragged by the four stinking, polluted hippies into the same stall their previous victim was in. Rasputin spoke again, excitement in his voice.

"Thanks for the pizza and beer, now it's time for the weeners and buns!"

Immediately the first two slogged their pants off and got down on their knees. The other two put there knees in my back and held me on top of the first victim, who now appeared to be unconscious. I heard their belts coming off and their zippers coming down, and some rustling around told me that their pants were coming down also. Then the first two started sucking off the other two, in what I could only call the most enthusiastic blowjobs I'd ever seen in my life. The moaning and slurping sounds turned my stomach and I retched. I could see why the first guy might have vomited.

Eventually Rasputin and his cohort started moaning more loudly, and one of them said "fifteen seconds." This was followed by a series of rapid-fire belching and burping that shook me up and down on the guy underneath me. After about fifteen seconds, all Hell broke loose. The two guys behind me started vomiting on the two guys fellating them and I saw cumshot shoot and mix with the vomit all over the two cocksuckers' faces. It was then that I almost lost. I finally did refund when the first two vile fluids were followed by streams of piss. I heard swallowing and dripping and I yacked all over their first victim's head.

Rasputin cried out like a little girl in ecstasy. "Oh god, I'd been waiting for that all night! This party fuckin' roxorz my coxor!"

Now it was my turn, it seemed, as all four started tearing my pants down. Chunks of vomit-piss-semen fell on my back and soaked through my t-shirt. It was reviling. I shuddered as I felt their cold, clammy hands in my ass-crack and a very indelicate reacharound on my ball-sack. At this point I had no idea who was doing what, and I was just praying that I'd wake up and realize I was drunk and dreaming a la nightmare.

Just then I heard the door boom open and my boss's voice fill the air. The stall door was open and he saw right away the turgid scene transpiring in front of him. His voice was immediately followed by two others, XML developers I knew, and they flew into the stall as best they could and began a fight to save my asshole. The poor guy underneath me had just woken up and started struggling and the extra weight of eight other bodies in the stall must have been suffocating.

"It'll be all right, buddy," I offered to him.

Within thirty seconds I was to my feet and was delivering the most heart-felt kicks to the guts of the rapist faggot Linux coders. Between me, my boss, and the two XML developers, we had the gang of four knocked out in a sloppy, excrement-filled pile of hairy body.

It's now been a month since this horrible incident and I am in regular therapy with a sexual abuse counselor. In response to the terrible outcome of this party, my boss toyed with the idea of selling the group off to another company, sans the four hippies who'd been fired and arrested. After considerable urging on my part, and very open ear from my boss, the whole group was dissolved and the Linux coders lost their jobs. Their product was delayed by a year as my boss began hiring a new development team. We'd found evidence that the whole group had been involved in the planning of the gang- bangs and that had it not been for us everyone would have had a "turn" in the stalls.

If there's one thing we learned from this tragedy is that Linux coders, users, and advocates are desperate cock-lusting homosexual faggots that can't be trusted in any situation, let alone a restroom setting. You've been warned.

On the positive side, though, the whole incident brought solidarity between the other groups in the company and I am now on schedule to get a huge Christmas package that not only includes a gigantic bonus but a month's worth of paid time off and a real promotion.

creator's advise to all creation? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 10 years ago | (#7359808)

lookout bullow. the daze of the georgewellian fuddite southern baptist corepirate nazi payper liesense stock markup FraUD execrable, is WANing into coolapps/the abyss, at the speed of right (which tends to be kind of slow sometimes).

that whoreabull blemish on humankind is being replaced by the creator's newclear power, & planet/population rescue initiatives.

it's quite obvious to the creator that most of you already know about sex.

no moretoll man can win this daze.

consult with/trust in yOUR creator... get ready to see the light.

Listen to a Dr. Tatiana interview (2, Informative)

corvi42 (235814) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359812)

Here's an interview with Dr. Tatiana herself, available online in real and ogg courtesy of the Canadian Brodcasting Corp.:
http://www.radio.cbc.ca/programs/quirks/ar chives/0 2-03/jan18.html

NPR Interview (2, Informative)

centauri (217890) | more than 10 years ago | (#7359892)

I first heard about this book when the author was interviewed on NPR [npr.org] . It was just like a normal interview with callers and everything, but the callers were actors pretending to be slime molds, or wasps, or birds or whatever asking her for advice. Really hilarious.
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