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Worst Explanation From Tech Support?

Cliff posted more than 9 years ago | from the what-silly-things-have-you-heard? dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 1907

Disgruntled-with-Tech-Support asks: "Let's face it: At some point or another, we've had to deal with some form of tech support. Quite often, it's a hit-or-miss experience depending on the level of support required. Occasionally, strange, bizarre, or nonsensical explanations result from the problems reported, such as this one: I had just had DSL installed, only to find it much slower than the 56K line I was looking to get rid of. On calling the provider, I was told (by someone who likely reading off cue cards) to visit one of their internal websites for measuring bandwidth. While there, I observed that they had both bytes per second and bits per second listed, and that the number of bytes/sec != bits/sec * 8, rather a factor around 13 or 14. I pointed this out as a possible problem, and the guy's reasoning: 'Uh, it looks like the bytes are getting through to you ok, but the bits are getting stuck someplace.' What was your worst explanation from tech support?"

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GNAA Announces Victory over AOL (not fp) (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211373)

GNAA Announces Victory over AOL

Monday, May 17 2004, GNAA, Nigeria

"Who is the Greatest Man Alive?" - If you ask Gary Niger, he'll tell you it is most definitely Osama Bin Laden.

The Gay Nigger Association of America (GNAA) announced today further victory in their current program to bring about total breakdown of the AOL customer relation system.

AOL Corporate Policy has been changed after GNAA (Gay Nigger Association of America) special operative Gary Niger's constant abuse of their "secret question" program designed to provide a futile illusion of security for the mongoloids and sodomites that comprise their customer base.

The "custom question" option, allowing users to create their own question, has been removed following the efforts of Niger and other fearsome Gay Niggers from the GNAA's top secret "Black Ops" divison.

With the removal of this option, trolls are now forced to use pre-approved AOL "secret question" options when signing up for fraudlent accounts for the purpose of downloading gay pornography and meeting up with the clandestine "homo thug" underground.

"I don't know why it changed, exactly. Corporate HQ didn't tell us," said Tracy, an AOL representative. "It happened two or three days ago."

Tracy was unavailable for further comment, as she was masturbating furiously under her desk - claiming that "Ten guys were on the phone and (she) had to take them all on."

An AOL executive, speaking under the condition of anonymnity, said the change in policy came after widespread employee unrest, culminating in an incident of mass sodomy taking place in the Ogden, Utah call center.

Gary Niger and other members of the GNAA "Black Ops" division continue to use the "custom question" trolling technique with various punjabis in the Bangalore, India call center - who haven't gotten the memo yet.

Meanwhile, GNAA Command is working on the creation of new methods of trolling to work within the confines of this new standard, still flush with victory.

Nick Berg's head was unavailable for comment at the time of this release.


About America Online, Inc.

America Online, Inc. is a wholly owned subsidiary of subsidiary of Time Warner Inc. Based in Dulles, Virginia, America Online is the world's leader in interactive services, Web brands, Internet technologies and e-commerce services.



About GNAA:
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which
gathers GAY NIGGERS from all over America and abroad for one common goal - being GAY NIGGERS.

Are you GAY [klerck.org]?
Are you a NIGGER [mugshots.org]?
Are you a GAY NIGGER [gay-sex-access.com]?

If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) might be exactly what you've been looking for!
Join GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) today, and enjoy all the benefits of being a full-time GNAA member.
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the fastest-growing GAY NIGGER community with THOUSANDS of members all over United States of America. You, too, can be a part of GNAA if you join today!

Why not? It's quick and easy - only 3 simple steps!

First, you have to obtain a copy of GAY NIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE THE MOVIE [imdb.com] and watch it. (You can download the movie (~280mb) using BitTorrent, by clicking here [idge.net].

Second, you need to succeed in posting a GNAA "first post" on slashdot.org [slashdot.org], a popular "news for trolls" website

Third, you need to join the official GNAA irc channel #GNAA on irc.gnaa.us, and apply for membership.
Talk to one of the ops or any of the other members in the channel to sign up today!

If you are having trouble locating #GNAA, the official GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA irc channel, you might be on a wrong irc network. The correct network is Niggernet, and you can connect to irc.gnaa.us as our official server. If you do not have an IRC client handy, you are free to use the GNAA Java IRC client by clicking here [nero-online.org].


If you have mod points and would like to support GNAA, please moderate this post up.

.________________________________________________. fucking
| ______________________________________._a,____ | CmdrTaco
| _______a_._______a_______aj#0s_____aWY!400.___ | will
| __ad#7!!*P____a.d#0a____#!-_#0i___.#!__W#0#___ | he ever learn that
| _j#'_.00#,___4#dP_"#,__j#,__0#Wi___*00P!_"#L,_ | GNAA is totally
| _"#ga#9!01___"#01__40,_"4Lj#!_4#g_________"01_ | unstoppable? Teamed
| ________"#,___*@`__-N#____`___-!^_____________ | up with the other troll groups,
| _________#1__________?________________________ | GNAA will absolutely own
| _________j1___________________________________ | the shitty place that is slashdot.
| ____a,___jk_GAY_NIGGER_ASSOCIATION_OF_AMERICA_ | Just remember, the longer the lines are,
| ____!4yaa#l___________________________________ | the smaller CmdrTaco's penis.
| ______-"!^____________________________________ | This logo is (C) 2003, 2004 GNAA [idge.net]
` _______________________________________________'

(C) GNAA 2004


First (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211380)

first post?

gnome me!

Best Explanation (0, Troll)

Klerck (213193) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211384)

It's the nigger's fault

Re:Best Explanation (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211391)

fuck you faggot

Re:Best Explanation (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211428)

Gotta love the people who respond to a racial slur with a homophobic slur. Real nice, guys.

Re:Best Explanation (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211483)

Gotta love the dumbasses who reply to trolls

Re:Best Explanation (-1, Offtopic)

strictnein (318940) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211531)

Gotta love the dumbasses who reply to trolls

Gotta love the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the trolls

Gotta love the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the trolls

Gotta love the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the dumbasses who reply to the trolls

etc etc etc

Your comment viYour comment violated the "postercomment" compression filter. Try less whitespace and/or less repetition. Comment aborted.rted. Your comment violated the "postercomment" compression filter. Try less whitespace and/or less repetition. Comment aborted.

I work in tech support.... (5, Funny)

Stir (446728) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211386)

...and we have an error code we give our unfortunate *special* callers. We tell them they are experiencing an i-d-10-t issue but they should give it time and it might clear itself up.

Re:I work in tech support.... (5, Funny)

i8a4re (594587) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211411)

Hey, how about that, that's the same printer model number i give all those telemarketers that want to sell me toner.

LOLLOLOLOLOLROFLLLlll!!!!!!11~~on3 (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211430)

That's the first time I've heard that joke before. You are a fucking comedian!

Re:LOLLOLOLOLOLROFLLLlll!!!!!!11~~on3 (5, Funny)

Inspector Lopez (466767) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211547)

Attention Earthling: We have been studying your culture and We find it ... fascinating.

Your use of the expression "fucking comedian" leads Us to interpret this as a "profession" or line of work. Previous study has led Us to generate a rough understanding of "comedian." We have nothing really like "comedian" here on Betelgeuse IV; the nearest thing would be translated roughly as "dentist." We also have deduced a wealth of words referring to copulation (again no real equivalent exists here; the closest is "shovelling volcanic ash out of the commode")

However the confluence of the terms "fucking" and "comedian" has confounded even Our most famous dentists.

We would be most grateful for an explanation.

Re:I work in tech support.... (3, Insightful)

briandk (635064) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211458)

Mine was sometimes the DFU drive or line was down...but that it would be back up soon, it always worked, I tried the I-d-10-t but someone caught it..that was fun explaining that to my boss.

Re:I work in tech support.... (1, Funny)

poofmeisterp (650750) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211521)

Unfortunately you're incorrect. I feel I have to point it out.

That particular error is known to never clear itself up. Even when intervention is forced, it's an error that almost never goes away before the end-of-life.

Re:I work in tech support.... (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211534)

I went to buy an ethernet hub and was asked if I wanted a 1 or 2 port hub. Still wondering what I would talk to with a 1 port hub.

Worst Explanation? (5, Interesting)

Rupert (28001) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211388)

The one they won't give you unless you cough up $25.95+tax.

Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (4, Insightful)

NeoSkandranon (515696) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211389)

As a former tech i've had to make up some pretty lame ones for people who were too dim or uninterested enough to comprehend the real explanation.

Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (1)

gfody (514448) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211484)

after explaining a few dozen times that the monitor is not the computer but rather the computer's screen and the thing on the floor is actually the computer and not the "cpu" the cpu is actually inside the computer..
well you just give up and start referring to them with their terms an then things go a bit smoother.

Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (5, Insightful)

MikeDawg (721537) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211513)

I completely agree with this. I've worked tech support, and even POS (point-of-sale) support before. Often times, if some layman asks you what you did to fix the problem, I give them a non-sensical (to the layman) answer, just so they stop bothering me. I have also developed new words for cashiers, as taught to me from other techs to get people to comply to what you're doing.

For instance, you don't say: "We are going to reset/restart your unix server" you say: "We are going to bump your server" You don't say: "A backhoe dug up your local T-1 line, and now you're on dialup, credit authorizations are going to take longer" You say: "Please don't call me, call the credit authorization company" There are so many more, but I just can't think of any handy right now.

Key is, you have to dumb things down a bit so the average lay person doesn't take 45 minutes chatting about what could be the technicial difficulty.

Worst excuse I've heard.. (5, Funny)

evel aka matt (123728) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211392)

That my website was down because a link was posted on some news website, causing millions of geeks to load the page and overload the server. What a crock of shit!

SBC Yahoo DSL guy (1)

dnoyeb (547705) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211395)

Told me that if I had a new computer I didn't even have to buy a DSL modem, I could use the modem that came in my computer. Just as he was.

For a moment I considered explaining the difference. But the desire passed.

Rinkworks.com brings you... (4, Interesting)

Mr.Radar (764753) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211396)

Computer Stupidities [rinkworks.com] Their stupid tech support [rinkworks.com] section probably fits this article best.

Re:Rinkworks.com brings you... (1)

EvanED (569694) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211479)

I think the question was more the other way around; not the tech support people getting idiot callers, but the tech support people making up stuff to appease the callers.

Mod parent up (5, Funny)

Coneasfast (690509) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211490)

this site is excellent, i couldn't stop cracking up after reading some of these

# Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
# Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"

# Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
# Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."

# Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
# Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"

They all start here (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211398)


OK, is your computer plugged in?

Re:They all start here (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211457)

That's because sometimes it isn't.

I've seen this happen when people called saying they couldn't access their email. And, oh yeah, they haven't changed anything recently. Except they're now using a new computer, because their son took the old one to college.

Retards... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211399)

Uh, it looks like the bytes are getting through to you ok, but the bits are getting stuck someplace.' What was your worst explanation from tech support?

Must.... control... fist of death....

Dude, your hard drive is blown! (5, Interesting)

OdinHuntr (109972) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211400)

I had a shipment of bad IDE hard drives. I was instructed by the Dell support dude that Dell recommends SCSI for "servers". Upon asking why, I was informed that it "had something to do with data harmonics".

My ISP is retarted (5, Funny)

SnprBoB86 (576143) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211401)

I call to complain that my service was flaky. Several times an hour the cable modem would just go out for 30 seconds then return. I call them and the guy says "well the problem isn't on our end it must be your network". I respond "Why do you say that?". He says "Well because your cable modem has been online and operational for the past 3 days with no disconnections". I say "Oh really? That's interesting... because its power has been unplugged for the past 20 minutes..."

Re:My ISP is retarted (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211512)

How much are you splitting your cable? We had the *exact* same problem, and it turns out that we were too far from the incoming line. Cable modems need a *much* better quality signal than your typical TV, so if you're splitting a lot, you may want to consider reconfiguring.

Took the f*cking id10ts at @Home *3-MONTHS* to figure it out. Assclowns...

- GNU/Anonymous Coward

hmm... (2, Informative)

T.Hobbes (101603) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211523)

...it could be their admin system hadn't yet updated your e-status, and the isp tsr said what he knew...

CompUSA (4, Funny)

agent dero (680753) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211403)

I've had some doozies of experiences at a couple CompUSA.

One time the guy tried to explain to me that I would need about $50+ more hardware than necessary to fix what I suspected to be a buggy RAM problem.

On another occasion, I was with a friend, checking out a couple hot-swap IDE cages for a development server I was building and a CompUSA dorkus walks buy and says "They're really overrated, and you probably don't need them, unless you're building a server (guy leaves)"

I didn't know what to say, he didn't help, he just offered a stupid opinion and left. So I left too.

Re:CompUSA (3, Funny)

nursedave (634801) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211469)

Not really tech support, but ripped from the same page in the book of stupidity.

I was recently at Fry's, looking at their server racks. Pretty good prices. now, I don't really need (or know shit about) server stuff. But I noticed they didn't have server cases in their case department, and none near the racks, so I asked a guy about server cases. He directed me to the desktop and tower cases.

"No, I mean, the special ones for server racks, they've got holes in them that you use to mount in the racks."

"Oh, ok, well, you can just drill some holes in one of these cases and use that."

Riiiiiiiiiight.

That there was no problem in our area... (1)

Qinopio (602437) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211404)

I was told that there were no problems with my internet service in our area (they "fixed" them, you see). Yet my hour of trying to connect before success, and my 1 byte/sec transfer speeds cast doubt on that.

A bit of the why... (2, Interesting)

Dozix007 (690662) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211406)

I have experience a fair share of Tech-Support mishaps. Most of the problems stem from the fact that the people who are diagnosing your problem are reading through a "cue-card" type program. They ask you questions, and their little program is "supposed" to find the problem. That is probably why you get some idiotic responses. Just remember "reboot", the ultimate solution for tech-support.

Re:A bit of the why... (1)

RKBA (622932) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211491)

Just remember "reboot", the ultimate solution for tech-support.

Followed shortly by, "Reformat your drive and reinstall the Operating System."

IBM OS/2 2.0 support. (1)

www.sorehands.com (142825) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211533)

Your printer card must not support IRQs, why not format and reinstall, see if that fixes it.

At that point, I wrote a small printer diagnostic [sorehands.com] that would detect the port using IRQ's.


BTW. OS/2 2.0 didn't have CD roms to install from, only diskette.

Plenty of them... (1)

richdun (672214) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211410)

Man, I hate when those bits hang up but the bytes keep flowing through like nothing is wrong... My worst tech support: when tech support tells you to do something you said you already tried in the original tech support communication... My Belkin wireless router lags games out when plugged into it, but not when using wireless. I tried manually opening the ports, but it didn't worked. Contacted Belkin tech support and told them all this, was told that some games require certain ports to be opened that are usually closed by default, and that if I opened them everything would work fine. A D-Link router stopped routing Internet connections but still LANed the computers together. I tried going into the browser-based configuration, but I couldn't access it. Contacted D-Link tech support and told them all that, and sure enough, they told me to get the Internet routing to work I needed to check the browser-based configuration. I've got plenty more like that too...I love tech support.

Oh that's easy. (4, Interesting)

The Tyro (247333) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211415)

"The problem must be on your end... everything here is working."

Yeah... sure.

That ranks right up there with their classic first question "do you have a firewall?" Answer "yes," and that IMMEDIATELY becomes the problem (despite the fact that it's been running for months with no change in configuration).

Just FYI: I find that confronting them with a few ethereal packet dumps usually gets you to the second tier at least.

Re:Oh that's easy. (2, Insightful)

Avenger546 (69810) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211529)

their classic first question "do you have a firewall?" Answer "yes," and that IMMEDIATELY becomes the problem

The best part is that if you say "no" then *that* can be the problem... "if you don't run a firewall, you leave your computer more open to attacks"

Fun stuff. "Damned if you do..."

iPod (1)

desenz (687520) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211416)

For my iPod, which is right now out of service: "We're sorry, your ninety-day phone service period is expired. Since you're a student, for 49.95 we can extend that to two years."

So, they want to charge me $50 because I can't request service on their web form.
Explanation? None.

Re:iPod (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211500)

Jesus Christ. For $50 you'd think you could get a whole damn service plan from a local retail joint. To hell with telling be what's wrong with it, I want it fixed!

Earthlink... (5, Funny)

Sefi915 (580027) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211419)

I was having a major problem with my DSL connection last summer.
I had a connection. I had an IP. However, nothing would go through the modem.
I even tried 3 different PCS and a Mac running Jaguar, directly to the modem, and still couldn't get anything through. And yet, I had a working, connected (if not logged in) modem.
So I called their support. Three techs I went through. They kept saying it was my problem, because they could ping my modem.
So I got to a second level guy. Chatted with him a while, told him what I'd done, what the first level guys had me redo.
He tells me he'll have the network guys check into it.
A day passes. Two. I call back.
Oh, it'll be a week before the problem's resolved.

A week. And four days.
I call back. I give my case number.

Drumroll.

I wasn't using an Earthlink-supported modem.

*blink* WTF? Excuse me? You guys SENT me this damn thing in the first place, and it worked fine til 11 days ago, and now it works again after I turned it off for two days.

Never did find out the real reason for it...

No wonder... (2, Informative)

rasafras (637995) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211420)

bytes/sec != bits/sec * 8

It should be bits/sec*(1/8), since you're getting one byte per every 8 bits. And you probably knew that, but I'm anal.
On the other hand, who knows what's happening when the bits are getting stuck someplace....

Re:No wonder... (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211473)

Are you stupid, or was this an attempt at humor? I can't tell...

Netgear Support (1)

philibob (132105) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211423)

Netgear phone support for my PCI Ethernet (FA311) card conflicting with the AMD 761 Chipset INSISTED that I upgrade my drivers for the card. ...For problems that appeared during POST.

(Yes I had already upgraded the drivers. And I was using Linux. And Windows. 98 and 2000.)

SBC/Yahoo/Prodigy (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211424)

Awhile back the SBC/Yahoo/Prodigy/whatever-they-call-it-now outbound smtp server was breaking every rule in the book. It was immediatly terminating the connection after the "." was received to end transmission, without acknoledging anything or waiting for the client to gracefully quit. Thus, the client, by SMTP protocol, assumes the message failed and should try again. But this is not so - the message was actually sent, despite the cutoff. This resulted in me sending a message in an infinite loop before I cought the problem. I explained what exactly the problem was, and how they might go about fixing it. Then, they told ME to go try with Outlook Express or Outlook and tell me them the "error message". So I did - and to my surprise - got NO ERROR MESSAGE! It's obviously these guys test it with outlook, see it works, and accept the configuration.. I called multiple times, and got the same response. (FYI: all other non-MS mail clients returned an error message, as they were supposed to - delivery was never acknoleged. If the connection is terminated before a graceful quit, the messages are supposed to be discarded) Now, finally, after about 5 months, the problem seems to be fixed.

Pixel Modulation (5, Funny)

lupin_sansei (579949) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211425)

When I was a teenager I had a Sinclair Spectrum computer that loaded games off casettes. One game I bought wouldn't load properly and I was told by the salesman "Probably the Pixels on your type of TV are modulating incorrectly with the computer causing the loading error".

Great Scott! (5, Funny)

Samah (729132) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211427)

At a computer repair place I was working at a few years back, I recall one of the techs there explaining to a customer that the reason his power supply had stopped working was that the "flux capacitor" had blown.
Mind you this tech wasn't an idiot (or an ID ten T), he just wanted to get rid of the customer :)

"it's a feature, not a bug." (4, Funny)

RevRa (1728) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211429)

One time I called Redhat for tech support in getting a RH to run on a laptop. I was told, "LCD's don't have scan rates and frequency settings like CRT's do."

I almost went through the phone to choke the bastard.

-k

Kill the process! (5, Funny)

lemsip (59349) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211431)

At one big corporation I worked at, they rolled out a security patch and it caused my Windows machine to start acting up, so I called the IT support (we were encouraged not to fix problems ourselves), and the guy on the phone took control of my desktop remotely from his end, so I could see what he was doing. He got the Task Manager up, paused a few seconds, and then said "That's really odd, there's a process taking up 99% of your processor time". He tried to kill the process, but it wouldn't go away, and he repeatedly tried to kill it about five times.

He didn't seem to realise that the "Idle" entry isn't actually a process...

HP tech support works if you speak Hindi (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211441)

Bought an HP laptop less than a year ago, Installed and ran SWG to play with my friends across the country. Frequent crashes and display problems. After speaking to several heavily accented people reading from a problem tree, one finally told me my laptop isn't built for that type of thing! All I wanted to know was what video card it had because the HP driver update didn't fix the problem, so I needed the manufacturer's drivers. Finally got through to the next tier of support. Was never so happy to hear a New Jersey accent

Make friends. (1)

SphericalCrusher (739397) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211444)

Mine was probably when I ran upon a very stupid one... whom I eventually got to play Counter-Strike with me and eventually I social engineered some essential company info out of him. Yeah, real good tech support guy there...

I was talking to one the other day (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211451)

That can hardly speak English. In the end I was so pissed off that I just hung up. Seriously, if you're going to give away hard working American jobs then at least give them to someone that can speak the language properly / doesn't sound like Apu with a speech impediment.

Reinstall TCP/IP stack... (1)

Mainframer (530235) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211452)

Similar case with a DSL line crawling about as slow as a dialup modem. Two different machines were being used alternatively on this line, one Linux and one Windows, and both had been experiencing the same excruciating problem for over a week. The tech guys kept insisting every time I called that I had to reinstall my TCP/IP stack... I cancelled my account, never touched my configs and got cable instead with a performance boost of 300% over the 800kbps that my previous DSL line was able to provide at its best.

"This is not a problem." (1)

AtariDatacenter (31657) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211456)

I inform the internal technical support that there is a problem with the LDAP server. He tells me that there is no corporate LDAP server. Then I forced him into admitting he didn't know what an LDAP server was. But because he has no documentation on it, it therefore isn't a problem, and he will not escalate it to the back-line support either. This is what happens when you fire all the intelligent technical people in your help desk and replace them with cookbook readers and rules people who don't take ownership and pride in their work.

Can't have Windows 98 and DOS on the same machine (3, Funny)

sgb235 (686043) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211459)

My wife's (former) tech support person told her that her Windows 98 machine was crashing because it had DOS on it, and that the two were incompatible. He kindly reformatted the hard disk over lunch and reinstalled everything, supposedly without DOS, but didn't think it was necessary to back up her work. Then he yelled at her because he thought she should have noticed that he had been failing to back up her machine overnight, as required as part of his job description.

tech no-support (1)

syschker (725565) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211461)

Having dealt with my Internet provider support line I can honestly say that when a person who should be knowlegable says "I don't know" and "My supervisor is not in right now" you really need to look at 2 things (1) Is our training effective? and (2) Do we pay our people enough? ---- . "You are unique, just like everybody else."

DSL & Static IP's... (1)

x.Draino.x (693782) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211462)

I recently had to help a relative out with her computer's in her new home office. She had been given 8 static IP's from Qwest. We were having issues pinging out while using those IP's. So I called Qwest and they told me all they could help me with is getting PPoE working with a dynamic IP even though they were the ones who sold her the 8. They said as long as PPoE works then that's all they can help with.. how can they not support something they sell?

Revise that formula (1)

asifyoucare (302582) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211463)

...the number of bytes/sec != bits/sec * 8

I'm sure you mean either

bytes/sec != bits/sec / 8

or

bytes/sec != bits/(sec * 8)

Bank Help Desk (3, Funny)

LostSinner (546906) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211464)

A friend of mine works for a large bank in the area. After receiving new computers at their branch, they noticed that the connection to the central office was running incredibly slow. They let it go for a while, thinking that it might be a problem that would clear up on its own, but it never did. She finally broke down and called their help desk. After reporting the issue, the response she got back from the tech guy was:

"Oh, that's perfectly normal; the computer just has to get used to the software."

Data belt slippage (2, Funny)

PlazMan (40335) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211466)

On an on-site call about fifteen years ago, I told a clueless yet very inquisitive (i.e. annoying) lady that the belt had been slipping on her data bus, causing her computer to crash. She was much relieved when I told her it was no problem for me to tighten it back up.

I have no recollection what the real problem was, but whenever her computer would crash after that, she would call and tell me her data belt was slipping again.

Server out of water (5, Funny)

Ffakr (468921) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211468)

When I did phone support as a student worker, I had to tell someone that their email was unavailable because the server sprung a leak and it was out of water.
Unfortunately this was true as we were still running a water cooled IBM Mainframe.

The clients seemed to accept it without question but I'd have to image they though we were yanking them.

San Berdino Mazda (1)

ForestGrump (644805) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211470)

"Customer is from this not fast enough for 5th gear."

I've been driving manual for YEARS. Frankly speaking, I was offended by that.

-Grump

School (2, Interesting)

akeyes (720106) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211474)

This may not fully work, but recently a student at my high school wrote an opinion column in the local paper. This column outlined many of the problems with our school's computers and tech support. The article can be found here. It is entitled, "How my school spends your money." [dailylocal.com] The response by the school's tech lady was that the article was "All Lies" when I asked her about it. (Please read the reader comments)

The two most common (an maybe worst)... (1)

aghorne (583388) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211477)

The two most common and worst explanations from Tech Support are when you dial a number and get told there is going to be a "short delay" and that "your call is important to us". All companies do it and both are blatant lies. This happens all the time in Australia, does it happen to you?

When I was 13... (1)

kdougherty (772195) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211478)

When I was 13 years old I used to call Gateway and request help. Most of the time they didn't even give me an answer, they would just hang up. F U Gateway! :)

dim sales assistants are just as bad (1)

sentientbeing (688713) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211481)

I once went to PC world in the UK to buy a pair of network cards for a uni project. I asked the guy at the desk if he knew if they were linux compatible. his reply was "they should work fine as long as both computers youre connecting have the same operating system" oookaay. another sales guy in maplin electronics i once visited for an obscure rated fuse had to shout into the back storeroom to ask a colleague how many millimaps were in an amp.

having recently started workin as a tech... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211482)

Having recently started working as a technical support person, I must say that the overwhelming majority of callers are too stupid / disinterested / lazy. to even attempt to do what might actualy fix the problem. As techs (at my company at least) we are basicly given a list of things to do no matter what the problem. the things people do to their computers are truely mind bending sometimes. I dont think many callers appreciate how hard it is to guide a completely computer illiterate person in fixing a problem they can't even describe. (case in point, spent an hour tryin to help a man with his connection yesterday, told him to check phone line, said he had, gave up and told him to call back after i gave him hairbrained fix, much to my chagrin, he called back 20 minutes latter to inform me that it actualy wasnt pluged in at all.. RAR)

Dell... (2, Interesting)

taernim (557097) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211485)

Dell tech support has been going downhill for years. I think the best/worst story I got was when I got a machine from them about 4 years.
Came pre-installed with a bunch of crap, so I formatted and was reinstalling... then I noticed a grinding sound when the HD was reading... so I call them up to get a replacement.
What was the tech's opinion on the problem?


... a virus.

Yeah. Needless to say, I was rather speechless.

Bridge rectifier (2, Funny)

jgannon (687662) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211487)

When I was first learning about electronics, I was trying to find a simple way to convert DC to AC. I asked the RadioShack guy if I could use a bridge rectifier in reverse. "Maybe." Argh. Now I know better... what a waste of a dollar.

They're not reading from que cards (4, Insightful)

T.Hobbes (101603) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211488)

At least, not in the place I work. The problem is lack of training, but the people I work with have a full knowledge of all materials in which they were trained. Admittidly, the level of training is subpar; but the workers are only expected - and allowed - to perform a limited number of fixes. Lack of knowledge about bits vs. bytes is embarassing, but knowledge of the 8:1 ratio is not required for the work that is performed.

At issue is the level of training provided.

All this is not to say that don't find the horror stories, from a tech's and customer's point of view, funny. Speaking for myself, half the people I speak to assume I can see their monitor and the other half think you can't open Outlook Express without connecting to the internet, despite the big 'work offline' button in front of them...

Satellite Internet (4, Funny)

thedillybar (677116) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211489)

Not sure if I can blame the tech support guy for this one, but it was funny.

A friend of mine had satellite internet working for months, and one day it started cutting out on him. The signal strength would show EXCELLENT->BAD->ZERO->EXCELLENT. It'd keep repeating in this cycle so fast, it couldn't even initialize the connection. So it was basically worthless.

After installing all their updates, rebooting 10 times, rebooting the satellite modem 10 times, etc. the tech support guy told me 1) I must not've done what he'd been saying and 2) I have to uninstall everything and start over. If you don't have the CDs we'll have to mail them to you.

Enough of that crap, there was no way I was messing with that software anymore. I already fought with that thing for hours. Time to climb up on the hot roof and look at the dish.

The problem: About 500 bees nesting in the thing. Apparently it was cool...that or they were just getting high on the radiation, I'm not sure which.
The solution: 3 large cans of Raid [killsbugsdead.com].

I called the tech support guy back and he didn't believe me...

comcast is less than smart (2, Funny)

nelazul (669259) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211497)

Once I was having problems with my cable modem; it was far slower than it would be expected. I called support. Approximately the following conversation occurred:

Me: My internet access is running at far slower speeds than it usually does.

Tech: Do you have a router?

Me: ...yes...

Tech: Well, you know, you might want to replace it. Routers can wear out, like lightbulbs.

Me: ...

Great support (2, Funny)

minotaurcomputing (775084) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211503)

I've always had great experiences... just today a nice young man told me the best way to fix my computer was to type format c: ... well, I did it and things seem to be on track for

LOL my story (1)

Mycroft_VIII (572950) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211504)

I've had to deal with a situation where my dads email would would stop downloading partway through a message, usually a bigger one with a pic (he's on a bunch of those online dating services).
Well I dig in a bit, and adjust OE's settings in case it's timing out, still happing.
So I dig out the aproriate rfc for pop3 mail and telnet into the server, and sure enough I can get any of the other e-mails fine with the right commands, but that e-mail just stops midway through, and a minute or so later the connection to the server just dies, no error message, nothing, just drops me.
So I call tech support to tell them whats going on so they can fix it at thier in.
First thing the guy tries to do is have me change OE's timeout settings, so I tell him I've already done this and about using telnet to acess the server.
His response "trust me sir, this will fix the problem"
So Explain again, I've done that, and it doese it when I use the raw commands and telnet.
"I'm not shure about the telnet mail reader program or who rfc is, but windows uses outlook to actually get your mail"
I very nearly said 'sorry I thought I'd called tech support'
Instead I explained that telnet lets me talk directly to the server in it's language, and wouldn't time out or use OE in any way. And could tell it was definately the server.
He tried to walk me through OE again. and said they didn't support a rfctelnet (yes one word is how he said it) mail reader, just Outlook and Netscape (4 or 5 iirc).
I then aksed him if he understood I'd verified through more than one machine that the problem was definately at the pop3 server end of the connection.
He said didn't have a pop3 involved in e-mail. it went straight from thier e-mail server to my machine. No he wasn't refering to imap eigther, he honestly didn't know what pop3 was. In fact thier site said specifically they only do pop3 and do not have imap available at all.
I finaly asked if there was a higher level support person I could talk to. There wasn't. (it was early am though)
So I wound up just manualy deleting the bad e-mail on that and a couple other occasions.
The isp in question is earthlink.

Mycroft

hows about this one? (1)

darkain (749283) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211509)

my best is that somehow the krappy wiring on my cable modem (that i had been running for two years) was bellow spec, and somehow shut down the entire cable network in my neighborhood. i laughed at that one.

Last MSN messenger feature request... (1)

Goalie_Ca (584234) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211510)

I wanted that ICQ feature where you can send a message to an offline contact. So I made a request using the appropriate channels etc..

The messenger feature Request: "You should be able to send messages to a contact who is offline".

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Microsoft Web Support.

The MSN support staff has forwarded your request for assistance with your messenger issues to Microsoft Product Support Services.

I understand that you are unable to sign into messenger for windows 95 and apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced.

For Microsoft to deliver the highest quality of support possible, it is necessary to expire support for discontinued products and apply those resources to the support of the latest developments and technologies that Microsoft has to offer.

Please Press 6 If You Have a Clue (2, Insightful)

thedillybar (677116) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211514)

Everything else has 'advanced user' setup. Why can't we have advanced tech support?

"If you are an advanced user, i.e. you know more than our flunkie tech support people, please press 6. We will connect you to an intelligent person on this side of the ocean. Please hold."

I hate trying to boot a machine (or convincing the guy on the other end that I'm trying to boot a machine) 10 different times when I know the hard-drive has failed.
It's bad. It's under warranty. Come replace it.

Bad Bad Support (3, Funny)

Fierythrasher (777913) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211517)

I worked technical support at a start-up ISP in '96. We had 5 external USR 33.6 modems hooked up to a term server. One day my boss accidentally turned off the UPS powering all the modems, all 5 users were cut off. Worse, while the term server rebooted no one could log in for about 3 minutes. An angry user called up, and I had to given an explanation better than "my boss pulled the plug." So I said: "Reboot your system." He did. "Try now." He got on. "It seems your system experienced a modem feedback loop. It happens from time to time, rebooting usually fixes it." My boss gave me a C-note for manufacturing the term "modem feedback loop".

old school (2, Funny)

3ryon (415000) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211528)

Once, while I was in Hell I couldn't remember a phone number. So, obviously, I called the operator. Man, that guy was a bastard.

MTGO (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211530)

Magic the Gathering Online. MtG allows 4 of each type of card in a regular deck of cards. Upon having a problem adding a 4th card (deck editor only allowed 3 instead of 4 which has been the rule since the beginning of MtG) a couple emails to tech support revealed "the official word is we only allow 3 of each type of card per deck." A total lie by the tech support person who obviously didn't know anything about the product he was supporting.

Staples (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#9211532)

Hi, do you have any hard drives?
No, we just have the upgrades...

Time Warner RoadRunner tech support (3, Funny)

WD (96061) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211537)

I call up Time Warner RoadRunner support for the cable internet service. The cable connection is down. The conversation with Tech Support goes like this:

WD: Hi, my cable modem isn't working. The Link light on the modem is blinking rapidly.
(I can hear TS typing up a trouble ticket with one, maybe two fingers)
TS: Whoah whoah whoah... How do you spell that? B - L - I .... ?
WD: Yes M'am, B-L-I-N-K. Thank you.

This is no exaggeration. That is exactly how it went down.

There's data stuck in the cable (1)

PHPee (559830) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211538)

I just got a new job after working in a call center doing tech support for a major printer manufacturer for the past nine months. We had some real winners working there, and some of the employees had rather interesting explanations for various issues.

One of my favourites: I overheard another rep talking with a customer whose printer kept printing random characters. The rep went through a few steps, and finally decided the best course of action would be to disconnect the cable, shake it a few times, then hang it over the back of a chair for a few minutes. Apparently this helps get rid of the data that's stuck in the cable...

*sigh* (0, Redundant)

el_guapo (123495) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211545)

when it comes to b/w calcs, it is NOT 8 per, it is closer to 10 per. layer 2 overhead kills the 8 per. 13-14 would be at least more accurate than 8, although i think that's overestimating l2 overhead.

RAM (1)

bishmasterb (536143) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211546)

Back in the day, I had a friend that would always tell customers at our service shop that they needed a RAM chip alignment.

I dealt one (1)

NanoGator (522640) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211549)

I got a little annoyed with a customer one day and responded with something like "Here's the answer as it's printed in our manual..."

Not tech support, but an installation... (5, Funny)

CSharpMinor (610476) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211550)

I ordered cable Internet from Charter a few years ago. The good thing was that they had someone out there in less than a week. The bad thing was everything else.

At the same time, we switched from satellite to cable TV. Just in case Charter had problems, I told them NOT to remove the satellite dish. At some point during the install, he decided to use the coax coming off the dish-- which he pulled out of the wall, leaving a hole in my garage's wall. Furthermore, he hit the dish-- hard-- and dented it, rendering it worthless.

I wasn't home at the time, and I knew he'd need to access my computer, so I set up an administrator account on Windows for him. (Hey, It was 2001, I hadn't switched to Linux yet.) I left this note for him, exactly these words: "username: Charterguy; no password." It's probably a good thing that he couldn't figure out what "no password" meant, seeing as he would have ruined my computer if he got onto it. (Of course, he left without running any cables or installing the modem, because he couldn't log on to my computer.)

And, just to add insult to injury, that night, when I went to sleep, I could swear that I was hearing voices! Turns out, he left his radio in my attic. (And those radios last for days on a charge if you only listen on them without transmitting.) I never did find it, so for the next three days, I slept to the sound of field calls.

Mod Interesting, I need karma.

My two favorities: (1)

duffbeer703 (177751) | more than 9 years ago | (#9211551)

From a Sun support rep:
"REXEC is not a security risk on an server connected to the internet."

From an IBM support rep two months after version x+1 of a "supported" application came out:
"Version x+1 does not exist. No, I will not look at the IBM website that you downloaded it from"

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